0:00:17 > 0:00:19What's your name?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Donny McMonagle. Is there a problem, Officer?
0:00:21 > 0:00:24We'll find out in a minute. Suck into this.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Suck? Do I not blow?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31You suck these new ones. Hurry up.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Now what did you say your name was, again?
0:00:41 > 0:00:43- SQUEAKY VOICE - Donny McMonagle.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45THEY LAUGH
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Hey, that's no funny! I'll be putting a complaint in about this!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51BOTH: Quality polis, man!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Hey, see you later, Orville!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Em... Just a cappuccino, please.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06To take away, or sit in?
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Aw, to sit in, thanks.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09OK. Right over here.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19That's great, thanks.
0:01:19 > 0:01:20THUMPING TECHNO
0:01:22 > 0:01:24Awright? I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Jolly Boy John holding a wee plank o' wood is for real.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Jolly Boy John sniffing a wee plank o' wood is for real.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I love sniffing planks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Jolly Boy John phoning up joiners to tell them their planks o' wood
0:01:44 > 0:01:46are getting sniffed is for real.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Awright, mate. Are you the joiner? You're getting your planks sniffed.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I'm coming down there to sniff your planks, wee man.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Your planks are getting sniffed, stupid joiner boy.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Jolly Boy John wearing all his da's false teeth like earrings
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and getting a squirrel in a bunnet up his hoose
0:02:00 > 0:02:02to sniff some planks of wood is for real.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet
0:02:07 > 0:02:09# A squirrel in a bunnet Plank sniffers for life
0:02:09 > 0:02:12# A squirrel in a bunnet A squirrel in a bunnet. #
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Trevor McDonald. Moira Stewart. Peter Sissons.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19Youse say the news is that youse want to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Balls.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Balls.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Balls.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Here, boys, boys!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Here, Tommy!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Listen, I've got a new song for the day.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21- Here we go.- What now?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24You see, when the other mob score, we sing this.
0:03:24 > 0:03:29# We don't like it when you score
0:03:29 > 0:03:33# Please don't do it any more
0:03:33 > 0:03:35# You're ruining a nice day out! #
0:03:37 > 0:03:38- Terrible.- Terrible, Tommy.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41# And youse are bastards. #
0:03:41 > 0:03:44THEY LAUGH HAPPILY
0:03:49 > 0:03:53There are lovers, and there are lovers.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55And then there's me.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03All right, lads? What do you want?
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Vodka and coke for me and a pint of cider for my brah.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Your bra?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11No, no my bra. My brah.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14No your bra, your bra?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Did I say, "No my bra, my bra?" No, I said, "No my bra, my brah."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20You saying my brah's calling me a bra?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22All right, brah, I'll deal with this.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Now my brah things his ain brah's calling him a bra.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27I don't want rumours I got called a bra by my ain brah.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- He wouldn't do that to me. - I wouldnae do that to my brah.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It sounds like you're saying bra.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Look, mate, it's simple, right? Mother, father, sister, brah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40My brah, mate. My brah. No my bra, no...
0:04:40 > 0:04:42My bra.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45No my bra.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00SNORING
0:05:05 > 0:05:07HE CONTINUES SNORING
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Stop. Right. There.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18'Sake, man. Every time.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You're on that couch sleeping all night and when I come in late
0:05:21 > 0:05:24and try and sneak past you, you always catch me.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25How do you do it, Da?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29Cos I'm the best, hen.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Stop. Right. There.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44Stop. Right. There.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Pish!
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Stop. Right. There.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Arsehole!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I'm the best.
0:06:04 > 0:06:10Hullo. Stick yer hauns up your wheecht for Harry MacLowdery.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13HE APPLAUDS
0:06:13 > 0:06:18# Awa deocht a drouth an ken tae wae a gley
0:06:18 > 0:06:22# An tak awa the deoch ahin the haunsy
0:06:22 > 0:06:26# Nae ken tae tak ye awa an tak awa
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# An Lady Gaga's tourin' wi' Beyonce. #
0:06:31 > 0:06:36OK, nice easy one to start off the quiz for you today, George.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38'The national anthem of Great Britain.'
0:06:38 > 0:06:39What's the missing word?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42God Save The...?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Eh, God Save The...
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Pandas?
0:06:48 > 0:06:52No. Why would the national anthem be God Save The Pandas?
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Well, they're nearly extinct.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56It's God Save the Queen, George.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Ach, I would never have got that. I'm no into football.
0:06:59 > 0:07:04Football? Let's move on to the next one. It's the musical odd one out.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06Aw, cool. Music's my thing.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09OK. Who is the odd one out?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison or Charlie Watts?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17I assume you know who all these people are, George?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Aye. John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison were in The Beatles.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Charlie Watts is the drummer for the Rolling Stones.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26'Exactly. So who's the odd one out?'
0:07:26 > 0:07:27George Harrison?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Wrong. Why would you say George Harrison?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32He's the only one with the same name as me.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34The question isn't related to you, George, OK?
0:07:34 > 0:07:39It's a musical odd one out. The musical element is the key.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Right, right, I've got you.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42Right, OK. So, who's the odd one out?
0:07:42 > 0:07:43George Harrison.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- No!- Aye. He's the only one that plays lead guitar.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49Look. They all play different instruments George, OK?
0:07:49 > 0:07:52We're not going to have a wrong answer. We're going to get it right.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Now, it's far more obvious than that.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Mair obvious? Right. OK.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02The most obvious, George, the most obvious. So, what's the answer?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04George Harrison.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07He's the only one whose initials follow each other in the alphabet.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09GH.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12No! Look, you practically told me what the answer was
0:08:12 > 0:08:14when you said who they were and what bands they were in.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17So it's something to do with The Beatles and the Rolling Stones?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Of course it is.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20'Right, right, OK.'
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Charlie Watts is in the Rolling Stones.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25John Lennon and Paul McCartney, I think,
0:08:25 > 0:08:29wrote one of the Rolling Stones' first singles,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31so the odd one out is George Harrison
0:08:31 > 0:08:33because he didn't have anything to do with the Stones.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37No, George! No! The answer is not George Harrison.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40'It's obvious. Three of them played in what band?'
0:08:40 > 0:08:42The Beatles.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45And one of them played in what other band?
0:08:45 > 0:08:46The Rolling Sto...
0:08:49 > 0:08:53What an idiot. Right, I've got you, I've got you now, I've got you.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54You're sure?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Aye, aye.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You're not going to say George Harrison again?
0:08:58 > 0:08:59- HE SCOFFS - No.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04OK. John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Charlie Watts,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07finally, George, who's the odd one out?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Ringo Starr.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- No!- Aye. He's the only one of The Beatles left out.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14He wasn't even an option!
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You swapped Ringo Starr for Charlie Watts.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Yes, so Charlie Watts is the odd one out.
0:09:19 > 0:09:24No. Charlie Watts is the odd one in. Charlie's in. Ringo's out.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, God!
0:09:27 > 0:09:31Hullo? Mate, do you have any quizzes about fish suppers?
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Or any quizzes about sausage suppers?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Can I say hello to my friends at the Society for Lopsided Goats?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Mate?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Wooden pallets.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Wooden pallets.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Wooden pallets.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Wooden pallets. Wooden pallets.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Wooden pallets.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Wooden pallets.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Pallets.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Pallets.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Pallets.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Wooden palle-e-e-ts.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Excuse me. Do you sell wooden pallets?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Naw.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20HE GIGGLES
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Just banter. It's all we sell.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Wooden pallets. What else is there to know?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Here's the shop.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Here it is on a map.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Here's yer maw inside the shop.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Wooden. Wooden. Wooden. Wooden.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Woode-e-e-e-n.- Pallets!
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Woode-e-e-e-n.- Pallets!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Woode-e-e-e-n.- Pallets!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Woode-e-e-e-n.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets! Pallets!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Wooden pallets.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Lewis, so glad to see you finally made it. What happened?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12My dad said to give you this.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18OK, Lewis, that's fine. Go and sit down.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- John, thanks for coming. - Thanks for asking me to come.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Thanks for reading the email so promptly.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32Thanks for pencilling me in so quickly.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35Thanks for making yourself available at such short notice.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- Thanks for being so polite. - Thanks for noticing.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- Would you like a cup of tea? - Yes, thank you for asking.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Oh, there you are now.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Thanks for not being difficult and asking for a different drink.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Thanks for having some tea at hand in spite of you preferring coffee.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Thanks for noticing coffee is my favourite drink.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Thanks for noticing how observant I am.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Thanks.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I'll tell you what it is. It's about... Oh, before that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02Thanks for filling in this application form so tidily.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Thanks for issuing such a straight forward application form.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Thanks for using block capitals and a black pen.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Thanks for insisting on a black pen, my favourite colour of pen.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Thanks for telling me your favourite colours and beverages.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Thanks for making me this lovely cup of tea.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Thanks for not slurping your tea there but silently sipping.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- Thanks.- Thanks.- Thanks.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Anyway, this application form... Oh, by the way,
0:12:28 > 0:12:30thanks for the lovely pressed flowers.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Oh, thanks for inspiring me to start my flower pressing hobby again.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35HE SNIFFS PAPER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Thanks for reminding me of summer days on my grandfather's farm.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Thanks for reminding me of my late grandmother, who I dearly loved.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Thanks.- Thanks. - So here's the issue.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46At the end of the personal bio, there's a word
0:12:46 > 0:12:49and it's the one word that we can't understand here in the office
0:12:49 > 0:12:50because the ink is smudged.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Oh, thanks for letting me know.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53It starts with a T.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- A T?- Yes.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"And that is why I think I'll be a perfect fit for your company
0:12:59 > 0:13:01"and the type of people who work there".
0:13:01 > 0:13:03And then that word, T-smudge-S.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06T and then an S at the end.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Thanks for trying to work this out. Very helpful here.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11Thanks.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Oooooh, no, sorry, no idea what I was going on about there.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Well, there's a theory in the office that it might be the word tossers.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Tossers?!
0:13:21 > 0:13:24"And that is why I think I might be a perfect fit for your company
0:13:24 > 0:13:26"and the type of people who work there, tossers."
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. I suppose it must be that then
0:13:29 > 0:13:31because I can't think what else it could possibly be.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35Well, in that case, your application is rejected. Thanks for coming.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- Thanks for asking me.- Thanks. - Thanks.- Thanks.- Thanks.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- Seriously, thanks.- Thanks.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Thanks.- Thank you.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46John, John, thanks.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Let me tell you this, I thank you.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51- Thanks.- Thanks.
0:13:57 > 0:13:58Balls.
0:13:58 > 0:13:59No balls.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- Balls.- No balls.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Balls.- No balls.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08- Balls.- No balls.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Balls.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Where do you think you're going?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Where do you think you're going?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Aw, pish!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Where do you think you're going?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32How do you always know?
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Cos I'm the best, hen. The best.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49THEY GIGGLE
0:14:49 > 0:14:52HE SIGHS DISGUSTEDLY
0:14:57 > 0:14:59'Sake!
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Come on.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Right, that's it! Get a room, you pair.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Come on, May, we're leaving.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25'The University of Burnistoun presents Snide Looks 101.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28'A beginners' guide to pulling snidey faces.'
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Coming to a cinema this fall,
0:16:00 > 0:16:05open your heart to cinema's hottest new hunky star.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I've never dated a Scotsman before.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Are you as wild and crazy as people say?
0:16:10 > 0:16:14Oh, there's nothing so wild and crazy as the Scoddish.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18What ye talking like that fur?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Sorry, who are you?
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Oh, I'm just a real guy, mate. Just like the old guys from Scotland.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29The question is, who are you, mate? Where are you fae?
0:16:29 > 0:16:31I'm from Scodland.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Scodland? Who says Scotland like that, mate?
0:16:34 > 0:16:35I'll tell ye who.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39Scottish actors that have slagged their way to Hollywood...
0:16:39 > 0:16:40and fannies.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42How d'ye no just say Sco'land like a real guy,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44like your da or your uncle would say it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Sco'land. Sco'land. Sco'land.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Nae D sound in there, mate.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51No even a T sound in there.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Just an UH. Sco-uh-land.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Look, buddy, we're trying to have a romandic dinner here.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02Buddy?
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Buddy, mate? Who says buddy in Scotland?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Why can ye no call guys things that real guys call guys?
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Things like mucker, mate, Jim, chief, pal, big yin, wee yin.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Things like yer da, yer uncle would call yer uncle or da.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Here, mucker, ye goin' to the Scotland game tonight?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw, naw,
0:17:24 > 0:17:28I'm goin' tae Hollywood so I can say Scotland like this.
0:17:28 > 0:17:29Scodland.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And call a real guy...buddy.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36What do ye want fer yer dinner?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37I'll have the chicken.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38I'll have the toona.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Toona?
0:17:41 > 0:17:45Chuna, mate, chuna. Ch, ch, ch, chuna.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48What's with arseholes and the letter T?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Scottish guys, mate, real guys, we pronounce the letter T wi' a CH.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58Mon, hen, 'mon you wi' a real guy, cos this guy...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00is a cunch.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27HE LAUGHS
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Here, Emma, come and see this stoater.
0:18:32 > 0:18:33SHE LAUGHS
0:18:35 > 0:18:38When you're that out of it, you're stoating like that,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41- there's nothing will stop ye. - I know.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- What speed do you think he's going? - Mmm, three mile an hour?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That's what I thought.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01ALARM BEEPS
0:19:07 > 0:19:10HE CHUCKLES
0:19:10 > 0:19:12There he is, there he's there.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Aw, you've got Sat Nav now?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Aye, got it for my birthday.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Got a celebrity voice on it?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Naw. Came with my dad's voice on it.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Your dad's voice?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42'D'ye never think of giein the inside of this motor a clean, son?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44'Left, left, left, left, left!
0:19:44 > 0:19:48'I said left for buck's sake. Are you deef?'
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I was past the turn before you said it.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53'Should have buckin drove myself. Burly about.'
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- HE LAUGHS - That's pretty good. That sounds just like him.
0:19:56 > 0:19:58'Are you no a fan of indicators, Derek?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00'They're these wee flashing lights
0:20:00 > 0:20:03'that let other drivers know your manoeuvres.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06'Sack that, go straight on. Whenever you're ready.'
0:20:06 > 0:20:07INDICATOR TICKS
0:20:07 > 0:20:10'Switch that indicator off. It's no big deal.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12'It's only the language of the road that the rest of us all use.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14'It's no Brands Hatch, son.'
0:20:14 > 0:20:15I wasnae goin' fast.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17'Pull over, I'll just walk.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20'I always said I wanted cremated but no right now
0:20:20 > 0:20:22'in some fireball accident you've caused.'
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Well, walk, then.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26'Left, left! Oh, you've missed it again.'
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Can you give me a bit of warning?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30'Is this a prison ship we're on?'
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- No.- 'Then why are you right up that guy's arse?
0:20:33 > 0:20:34CAR BRAKES
0:20:36 > 0:20:37You drive.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39'Aw, what have I said now?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42'Honestly, you're like a bloody wallflower.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45'I'll say what I want about your driving, right? You know why?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49'Yer 35 year old and you're still on my insurance.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51'Your ma won't let me take you off it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54'You're on my rescue recovery an all. You're costing me a fortune.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55'Turn left!'
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Balls.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29MILD APPLAUSE
0:21:42 > 0:21:43All right, Scott?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46PHONE KEY TONES SOUND
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Scott?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Scott?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Scott!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57What?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59I said, "All right."
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Hold on a minute, eh? Trying to do a Tweet here.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Telling my followers what's happening.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Did you just say followers?
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Scott, mate, the only people that follow you
0:22:10 > 0:22:13are investigators fae the social.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Mate, I've got 207 followers on this now,
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and now they're all updated with my gossip.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21All what gossip? What did you just Tweet them?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I just Tweeted, "That's Peter coming in."
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Oh, well. That must have them gripped, eh?
0:22:28 > 0:22:33I mean, that revelation must really have them on the edge of their seat.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35If they're allowed seats in a mental hospital,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37where your followers must live.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Well, mate, @cara20 just tweeted back at me...
0:22:41 > 0:22:45"Is Peter as cute as you are?"
0:22:45 > 0:22:47You're cute?
0:22:47 > 0:22:48HE LAUGHS
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Did she get her guide dog to Tweet that for her?
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Just a bit of flirting, all right? I flirt with all my followers.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Mate, gonnae stop saying followers, right.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02D'ye think you're some kind of inspirational leader or something?
0:23:02 > 0:23:06- What ye doing?- Just taking yer photo for Facebook, man.- Er, why?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Well, cos this is happening, isn't it?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10This is something that's happening.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14So I want to put it on my timeline so I can look at it.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18Scott, mate, I come over here every single day.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22We live this miserable day together, every single day.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Who could possibly want to see photies of it?
0:23:25 > 0:23:30Your doctor when you're trying to get a prescription for anti depressants?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Listen, mate, I dinnae want to go here, but...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Do you want to stop being such a Luddite.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Such a whit now?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40A Luddite, mate. You're scared of technology.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42You're no engaging with any of it, mate.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I says to wee Barry the other day, I was like that,
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"See Peter, he's no across any of these new technologies.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"He's no sharing content the way the rest of us are."
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Whit?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55See me and wee Barry, Peter, we're frictionlessly sharing playlists
0:23:55 > 0:23:58and other stuff we've curated all the time, man.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Even your maw's started live streaming now.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Everybody's daein it. You're getting left behind, mate.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Well, you know what, Scott?
0:24:08 > 0:24:12I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18I'd rather be a Luddite than a Fuddite? That's a belter.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Yes, five retweets already, man.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34There are bedroom gymnasts and there are bedroom gymnasts.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36And then there's me.
0:25:53 > 0:25:58Hey, man, welcome to Look Good For The Lassies But Feel Like A Dickhead.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00How can I help you?
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I'm looking for some claes that would make lassies mebbe fancy me,
0:26:03 > 0:26:07but at the same time kind of make me feel like a total dickhead.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Well, you've come to the right place.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10What do you think I need?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Come and have a look at our mannequins.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20What one of these mannequins do you most feel like hooking in the jaw?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Well, the one in the middle looks like the biggest arsehole,
0:26:25 > 0:26:29you know what I mean, with his wee man bag and his braces and all that
0:26:29 > 0:26:32but having said that, he probably has zero problems getting his hole.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Well, that's the outfit for you.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Let's go and try some of these clothes on.
0:26:48 > 0:26:53Oh, I don't know, man. I kind of hate myself, know what I mean?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Don't get me wrong, if I'm a lassie
0:26:55 > 0:26:58I'm probably firing right into this Mumford and Sons-looking fanny here,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01but if I saw myself walking into a Burnistoun boozer
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I'd probably want to toe my ain baws.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I think you look great.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10You look like a total dickhead but my sister would be all over you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I feel like knocking you spark out. You look fantastic.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15All right, man, I'll take them.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Four, seven, five, eight.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Right, give me a wee ring some time and we'll sort something out.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Sounds great. Bye.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35THEY LAUGH
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Nice hat, ya fanny!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Yaaaas!
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd