0:00:24 > 0:00:26- I've got a parcel for you, mate. - Oh, cheers.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Could you sign this, please?
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Cannae.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40That'll do me.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42Ta.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49All right?
0:00:49 > 0:00:50I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o
0:00:52 > 0:00:53is For Real.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55For Real. What, what, what, what,
0:00:55 > 0:00:56what, what, what, what?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o with his nephew's nappy on his head
0:00:59 > 0:01:00is For Real.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Get tooled up if you want, mate-mate-mate.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07I'm tooled up with wee chocolate bananas!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10For Real! Come and get meee...
0:01:10 > 0:01:11For Real!
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Jolly Boy John acting the wide-o to the polis
0:01:13 > 0:01:15with his nephew's nap-nap-nappies on his head
0:01:15 > 0:01:16in his Aunty Mary's hooer boots
0:01:16 > 0:01:17is For Real!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19For Real! Here...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22There'd better be a squad of yous to get me in that polis van
0:01:22 > 0:01:24cos I'm game as fuuu...
0:01:24 > 0:01:25For Real!
0:01:25 > 0:01:27All right, ladies?
0:01:27 > 0:01:32How do yous like me now I've got my sexy boots on?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Jolly Boy John buying a good sling off the Internet
0:01:34 > 0:01:37and firing one of his nephew's pishy nap-nap-nappies that he's
0:01:37 > 0:01:39kept in the freezer all night at a polis van in the street
0:01:39 > 0:01:40is For Real!
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# White boots and a nappy hat # All the chicks go hot for that. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ooh! Ahhh!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Ooh! Ahhh!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# White boots and a nappy hat
0:01:50 > 0:01:51# All the chicks go hot for that. #
0:01:51 > 0:01:56Columbo, TJ Hooker, Miss Marple, Arthur Bostrom.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Yous are all trying to solve the puzzle of how to be
0:01:58 > 0:02:00as For Real as Jolly Boy John.
0:02:00 > 0:02:01Get Real!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05Ooh! Ahhh! Ooh!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18It is here, on this very slope,
0:03:18 > 0:03:22where Murdoch and his band of raggle-taggle bounty hunters
0:03:22 > 0:03:27and soldiers of fortune attacked Lord Porter and his English army.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It is easy to imagine their hearts pounding in their chests,
0:03:31 > 0:03:35the adrenaline coursing through their veins
0:03:35 > 0:03:39as they charged down the slope towards the colossal enemy.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41YAARGGHHH!
0:03:41 > 0:03:43YEEE-AARRGGHH!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Listen hen, yer da's got a bit of a drink in him,
0:03:56 > 0:04:00so gonnae take his shoes aff and get that fag out his hon
0:04:00 > 0:04:02before you go to your bed?
0:04:02 > 0:04:03I'm away up the stairs.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09SHE SIGHS
0:04:09 > 0:04:12New from Ciderson's Games,
0:04:12 > 0:04:14it's Take yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Can you get yer da's shoes aff
0:04:18 > 0:04:19without waking him up?
0:04:21 > 0:04:22What about the fag
0:04:22 > 0:04:23from between his fingers?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26No having a fly puff, now!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Hey, yer only a wean!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33And if yer feeling really brave,
0:04:33 > 0:04:34you can try and knock a tenner
0:04:34 > 0:04:36from that wallet in his troosers! Go on.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Aw, no!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40'Get yersel' tae fuck!'
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Take Yer Da's Shoes Aff Hen,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44from Ciderson's.
0:04:54 > 0:04:56Here.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Have you noticed anything?
0:04:59 > 0:05:00Naw. What?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Take a look about ye.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Oh, wait a buckin' minute.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Wait a buckin' minute is right. Is this a studenty place?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Is this a studenty place? - This better no be a studenty place.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh, see if this is a studenty place...
0:05:18 > 0:05:19Hey!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Are you a student?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Em, well, I go to college.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25HE SIGHS
0:05:25 > 0:05:26What's that you're drinking?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28It better be tea, the same as us.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It's a mocha.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- A what?!- A mocha.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33- A what?!- A mocha.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- A what?!?- A mocha.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37A WHAT?!?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39You, hen.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Please tell me that is a good, honest, working class cup of tea.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46It's a caramel macchiato.
0:05:46 > 0:05:47A caramel macca-what-noo?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Ho! Waitress!
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Is...
0:05:53 > 0:05:55..this a studenty place?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- What?- Is this, or is this no,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00a studenty place full of wee iPad-using f-Pads?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01THE TRUTH!
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It's just a coffee shop.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Oh, I get it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08So everybody can act all exotic with their wee coffees?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Me-me-me-me-me!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14You tell all your wee studenty pals
0:06:14 > 0:06:18that we're no impressed with their exotic coffee.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- A WHAT?!?- A mocha!
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Ohhh!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Joe! Up the road!
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Up the road now!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28- Up.- Up the road now.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Up the road.
0:06:32 > 0:06:33Up the road.
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Up the road!
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Up the road now!
0:06:42 > 0:06:49Hello. Tell yer quine to drap her breechs for Herry Maclowdery.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51APPLAUSE
0:06:51 > 0:06:56# Oh, ye dinna ken a geechie like awa' and tak' awa'
0:06:56 > 0:07:01# When the faur faur winds ae wiy fae dearer
0:07:01 > 0:07:05# An' a' ahint the braes an' afore tae tak' awa'
0:07:05 > 0:07:09# There's hot new poolside pictures of Shakira. #
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Well, Doctor?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24Thank Christ I don't need to live with that wee prick.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51On the run from the English army,
0:07:51 > 0:07:56it is here in this beautiful meadow where Murdoch set up camp
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and spent his wedding night.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02It is said that he consummated the marriage
0:08:02 > 0:08:06on this very piece of ground.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11It is easy to imagine making love to a beautiful young wife
0:08:11 > 0:08:16for the first time in a beautiful place like this.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Oh! On her back,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20feeling the grass beneath her,
0:08:20 > 0:08:24as she looks up into the eyes of her heroic husband.
0:08:24 > 0:08:25But...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29..as legend has it,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Murdoch had not yet finished making love to his new wife
0:08:33 > 0:08:37for the first time when Lord Porter's soldiers attacked.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43YEEE-AARRGGHH!
0:08:43 > 0:08:45AAARRGGHH!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48AARRGGHH!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51HE ROARS
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Hello, tiger.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Excuse me? "Hello, tiger?"
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Mmm, yes. Hello, tiger.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10What's that patter about?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Well, the management have asked us
0:09:12 > 0:09:14to be much nicer to the jobseekers from now on.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16You know they way we normally behave, darlin'?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Like snidey bastards? - That's right, tiger.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Well, we've to bin that,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23and we've to be much nicer from now on, you wee smasher.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26We have to get at least one compliment into every exchange.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- I don't think I like that, but. - Well, nae luck.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31You're just a jobseeker, so as far as me being nice to you goes,
0:09:31 > 0:09:34you'll have to like it or lump it, ya wee cutie pie.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Right, fair enough.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- So, have you been looking for work this week, stud?- Eh, aye.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Well, I'm gonnae need some proof of that, gorgeous.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44A call centre.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I went for an interview, but nae joy.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50One interview? That's your lot for a week?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53I thought you were supposed to give me a compliment with every exchange.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Sorry, did I miss one there?
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Erm...OK, let me...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Let me give you this rose here.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03It goes nice with your lovely wee red sweater and that.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05You know what I think, though? You're lazy.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09You're lazy and sleekit. A lazy, sleekit, wee sweetheart.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Can I just sign on and go? All this patter's making me feel awkward.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14"Just sign on and go?!"
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Do you think we should just be giving free money
0:10:17 > 0:10:20to any guy that walks in here with his beautiful, big brown eyes?
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Like a lovely wee Shetland pony staring at you?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Look, I am looking for work, all right?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28One interview a week isn't good enough. You should be out there
0:10:28 > 0:10:31pounding those streets with those big, muscular feet.
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I'm sick of you lot acting all high and mighty behind your desks.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37See that job of yours, mate?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38It's shite!
0:10:38 > 0:10:39It's shite!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41So just shut your mouth
0:10:41 > 0:10:44with your perfect, beautiful teeth
0:10:44 > 0:10:48and your lovely full lips and that.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50You've got me doing it now.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52How dare you abuse me like that!
0:10:52 > 0:10:53Coming in here shouting at me
0:10:53 > 0:10:55with that commanding voice
0:10:55 > 0:10:58with that rich tone, like an operatic tenor or something!
0:10:58 > 0:10:59You dreamboat!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02You know what? You can shove your benefit money, right?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Because I'm sick of listening to you
0:11:05 > 0:11:08with all your charisma and your charm.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12Like some kind of Benefits Office George Clooney or something, right?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15You, mate, are marriage material!
0:11:15 > 0:11:16MARRIAGE MATERIAL!
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Get out!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Get that lovely wee firm tush of yours wiggling out of that door!
0:11:22 > 0:11:24I hate to see you go, mate,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28but I lo-ove to watch you leave! Mmm!
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Hello, tiger. I'll be with you in a minute.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Mmm-mmm!
0:11:36 > 0:11:39GAMESHOW JINGLE
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Hello, my name's Gavin Teeth-Whitened,
0:11:45 > 0:11:49and welcome back to Fight or Dirty Bit.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53We're here with this week's contestant, Davey Crockett.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55It's Croquette.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Like a potato croquette.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58Sorry, Davey.
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- Are you ready to play Fight or Dirty Bit?- Aye.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Let's take a look at this short film clip,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and then, Davey, you tell me what's coming next.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Fight or Dirty Bit?
0:12:12 > 0:12:15RETRO MUSIC
0:12:15 > 0:12:17The faucet's just over here.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21That's good, cos I'm a plumber.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24And I'm Susannah.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Let me just open the cupboard underneath the sink for you.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Davey, Fight, or Dirty Bit?
0:12:35 > 0:12:37With a sexy wee arse on that yin like that?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It's got to be a dirty bit, Gavin.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Let's take a look.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Mmm...mmm-mmm.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49GONG CLANGS
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Get up, Susannah!
0:12:53 > 0:12:54Or should I say...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57..Scorpitarius the Spymaster.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02You see this. But you didn't see this!
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Damn you!
0:13:04 > 0:13:06HE SQUEALS
0:13:08 > 0:13:09I'm sorry, Davey.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12BUZZERS SOUND
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I'm afraid it was a fight.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Let's go to our ninth ad break of the show.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26Tonight's BTV competition question is this.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29What is a potato "crocket" made of?
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Is it...?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41The picture clue will flash on screen now.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46And the word clue will flash up now.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50My name's James Jumpstyle,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52and the big news is that Jumpstyle beds and chairs
0:13:52 > 0:13:55now delivers to your home, quickstyle!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58HAPPY HARDCORE MUSIC PLAYS
0:13:58 > 0:14:00We will come to your home, jumpstyle
0:14:00 > 0:14:02and put your furniture EXACTLY where you want it!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Shelves! Chairs!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Couch chairs! Bed chairs!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11All delivered by my Jumpstyle boys
0:14:11 > 0:14:14to the loudest, happiest hardcore music you can imagine.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23FURNITURE CLATTERS
0:14:26 > 0:14:30FUNERAL MUSIC PLAYS
0:14:30 > 0:14:33HAPPY HARDCORE MUSIC INTERRUPTS
0:14:37 > 0:14:40And, yes, the rumours are true! We're happy to introduce
0:14:40 > 0:14:42James Jumpstyle's Funeral Service.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43Go out in style!
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Go out in Jumpstyle!
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I came back to Burnistoun because I was born here
0:15:04 > 0:15:07and in Hong Kong, my Scottish accent
0:15:07 > 0:15:09made my filmmaking career impossible.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11No-one could understand my Scottish patter.
0:15:12 > 0:15:17Kung-Fu legend Micky Mann is a unique director,
0:15:17 > 0:15:19in that in his films,
0:15:19 > 0:15:23he is the only performer who knows he's in a movie.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27When you punch an actor, or you kick an actor, it looks not real.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31It looks fake. That is why I use real people.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34In a Micky Mann movie, you see real people get kicked.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39In the spectacular finale of Beatdown in Burnistoun,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42an entire pub full of unwitting Burnistoun locals
0:15:42 > 0:15:46are destroyed in a whirlwind of Micky's kung-fu moves.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Hello, there. What can I get you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Using Hong Kong dubbing techniques, these innocent pub punters
0:15:51 > 0:15:55are placed into the world of Micky Mann's movie.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- DUBBED VOICE:- Idiot, you should not have come here!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'm not leaving without the sacred idol.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You will have to defeat us all, fool!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- DUBBED VOICE:- I would like to see him try!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09You will pay for your insolence!
0:16:14 > 0:16:16This is sacred ground!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19Yahhh!
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Thank you, kind old lady.
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Try my King Kong Palm!
0:16:30 > 0:16:31There are a lot of injuries
0:16:31 > 0:16:34in my movies, yes, because it is real.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Because I am really hurting these people.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39That makes a better movie.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42In this iconic scene from Beatdown In Burnistoun,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46this old man has no idea that the camera is rolling.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52Son, can you tell me if the 56 has gone by yet?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- DUBBED VOICE:- Where are the diamonds?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00I want to know, where are my friends?!
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- DUBBED VOICE:- Give me the diamonds, you little punk!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I decided to stay in Burnistoun and make a new movie every weekend.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Please, if you see me out there, do come over and say hello.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Here y'are. Happy birthday, Peter.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36Cheers, Scott.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01- What's the script with this? - It's a hat.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I know it's a hat. What am I meant to do with a hat?
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Wear it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Do I wear hats?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Have you ever once seen me wearing a hat?
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Naw. But you'll be wearing them soon, won't you?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13How?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16What?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, no, your...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- What? My heid? - No, your hair, mate.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27You'll be wearing hats, what with you going baldy.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I'm... I'm going bald?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I wasn't wanting to just hit out with it like that, know what I mean,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- but, aye, you're receding. - Am I shite!
0:18:35 > 0:18:38At first, right, I thought it was mebbe just your nose getting longer,
0:18:38 > 0:18:41like, at the top, up the way, but then I was like that,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43"No, Scott, noses don't grow upwards,"
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and then I realised it was your hair, mate.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That's garbage, mate. I've got a full heid of hair, just the same as my da'.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Aye, but your ma's baldy, but. She looks like Buddha.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53That was stress that caused that, right?
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You're always stressed, mate. Everybody's talking about it, mate.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58You being a baldy bastard.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Like who?- Wee Barry for one.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03We saw you going into the barber's last week
0:19:03 > 0:19:06and I was like that to him, "What's he away in there for? To read the meter?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:09There must be something wrong with your eyesight, mate,
0:19:09 > 0:19:10if you think this is a baldy guy's heid.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14See if you shine a light through your hair, mate,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16it goes all translucent like a ghost.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20That's what they call you down the pub, mate - haunted heid.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Nope.- I was like that to that wee barmaid last week,
0:19:24 > 0:19:26"His heid looks like a grey dandelion, man.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"You could blow on it and make a wish."
0:19:29 > 0:19:34Grey? It's like a BLACK dandelion, mate, right?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38I better no hear anybody saying my heid looks like a dandelion, right?
0:19:38 > 0:19:41You know what? You're just raging because it's my birthday, right?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43You're trying to ruin it as per,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46trying to give me a negative body image.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48What did you get me last year? Do you remember?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49A male corset.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53Aye, that's right. And this year it's my hair. Well, I'm no havin' it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57You can shove your present right up your translucent arse.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Just because it's cold outside, mate, right?
0:20:17 > 0:20:22We are gathered here today to unveil this tribute to a Burnistoun legend.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27The greatest hero that Burnistoun has ever produced.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Must we list his achievements? Ten Olympic gold medals.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Undisputed boxing champion of the world.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39The winner of five Oscars, four Grammys and three Tony awards.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42A Nobel prize-winning heart surgeon.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45A best-selling novelist and a war hero.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56And we immortalise him today in this statue,
0:20:56 > 0:20:58captured in his most famous photo moment,
0:20:58 > 0:21:04as he sticks the Scottish flag into the surface of the planet Mars.
0:21:05 > 0:21:09Burnistoun's greatest man - the world's greatest man -
0:21:09 > 0:21:10ladies and gentlemen -
0:21:10 > 0:21:14my son...when he grows up.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16(Nae pressure.)
0:21:35 > 0:21:38So you've been wi' us for a while now, son.
0:21:38 > 0:21:39Four years.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43So you understand that the three standard cakes that we do here
0:21:43 > 0:21:47are the football pitch for the boys, the girl on the pony for the girls
0:21:47 > 0:21:50and the plain one with the birthday message for the adults.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Yes.
0:21:52 > 0:21:58Good. So, could you possibly explain to me this cake here?
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Well. The dove is the bird of love, obviously,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and here we see it being decapitated by society's sword of oppression.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11This is to represent the fact that society always tries to kill
0:22:11 > 0:22:15any love that's different to how they define it.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19And what are these wee men falling on to this man and woman here?
0:22:19 > 0:22:24It isn't a man and woman - it's a lesbian couple. And these wee men here represent organised religion.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27They're falling from the sky because they're the dove's last shit.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Man's attempt to organise and categorise spirituality
0:22:30 > 0:22:34has caused the dove of love to defecate on this blameless couple.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35So.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39You want me to put, in the front window of my family baker's,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44a cake that shows the image of the world's spiritual leaders
0:22:44 > 0:22:46being shat out of a decapitated dove's arse
0:22:46 > 0:22:49and landing on top of some giant lesbians?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Yes.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54It's supposed to be a wean's birthday cake, son.
0:22:54 > 0:22:59Now, I'm nothing if no an open-minded baker, right, but - and correct me if I'm wrong -
0:22:59 > 0:23:03I don't think Gregg's managed to be the country's biggest baker's
0:23:03 > 0:23:05by putting violent visual representations
0:23:05 > 0:23:08of the plight of the lesbians on their steak bakes!
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Now, what is this one here?
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Well, this is a four-year-old boy saying goodbye to his nursery friend
0:23:17 > 0:23:19who is an asylum seeker that the British government
0:23:19 > 0:23:22is deporting back to his country of origin
0:23:22 > 0:23:25where his family will almost certainly be put to death.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28He's saying, "My friend is going away to die.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"And also there is no God and no Heaven."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Oh-ho! Happy days, eh(?)
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Happy birthday memories(!)
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Weans usually fight over who gets the bit of cake
0:23:39 > 0:23:42with a football on it. I don't see anybody going,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45"Mammy, can I have the bit of cake with the sad boy
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"grieving o'er his doomed pal and questioning the existence of God?"
0:23:49 > 0:23:51If they eat good art it will enrich their soul.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53This one, I like.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00A wee bit of Greek mythology there. Medusa with the snakes for hair.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Well, that's an interesting interpretation,
0:24:03 > 0:24:06but this isn't Medusa and these arenae snakes.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I know they're not snakes!
0:24:08 > 0:24:10It's a woman with a hair cut full of willies!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13It represents women's eternal subjugation by men.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15There's old wifeys who shop in here
0:24:15 > 0:24:18who have only ever seen their husbands' willies in the dark
0:24:18 > 0:24:20and you want me to show them this?
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- Yes.- What were you planning on writing on it?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27"Happy fourth birthday, Connor".
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I cannae see it working, son. I cannae see people going,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34"It's my son's fourth birthday this weekend.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"Any chance I could get one of they cakes with a subjugated woman
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"with a tadger demi wave?"
0:24:39 > 0:24:40But these...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45The great artists innovate within the restrictions
0:24:45 > 0:24:49that are laid out for them. That is what makes them great.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Football pitches...and ponies.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Now get back to work.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Gingerbread ladyboy!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24There are three-course pre-theatre menus
0:25:24 > 0:25:28and there are three-course pre-theatre menus.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30And then there's me.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44# Brother, I've got another question
0:25:44 > 0:25:46# I cannae get it out ma heid
0:25:46 > 0:25:48# I'd find the answer In a book if I could
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# But you know That I cannae even read
0:25:51 > 0:25:53# I know who the question's about, mate
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# It's women Frae young uns to mammies
0:25:56 > 0:25:58# And why they're all out Cuttin' about
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# Wearin' their motherbuckin' jammies
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# Why are you cuttin' aboot In jammies
0:26:03 > 0:26:05# Why are you cuttin' about In jammies
0:26:05 > 0:26:07# Jammies, jam, jam Jam, jammies
0:26:07 > 0:26:09# Why are you cuttin' aboot In jammies
0:26:09 > 0:26:11# DJ, break it doon for the PJ. #
0:26:26 > 0:26:30What you see below you is now a car park,
0:26:30 > 0:26:35but in Murdoch's time this was a popular spot for English soldiers
0:26:35 > 0:26:38travelling north to set up camp.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41Murdoch made an educated guess
0:26:41 > 0:26:45that Lord Porter's soldiers would end up here.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48This is Murdoch's sword.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54He made a promise to his men that if Lord Porter rode into this place
0:26:54 > 0:26:57he would first remove him from his horse
0:26:57 > 0:27:00and then remove his head from his body.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04HE ROARS
0:27:23 > 0:27:25CAR ENGINE ROARS AWAY
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd