0:00:03 > 0:00:09Contains adult humour.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18There now follows a party political broadcast
0:00:18 > 0:00:20from the Conservative Party.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Good evening.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28In light of the recent economic downturn,
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I felt it was important that I address some of the concerns
0:00:32 > 0:00:37that you may have about what this means for you as an individual,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41for your family and for the British people as a whole.
0:00:43 > 0:00:44Over the last couple of...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47SCREAMING
0:00:47 > 0:00:49HE LAUGHS
0:00:49 > 0:00:56Ya ha ha ha, oh, got you, got you good.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Classic.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59Classic.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Over the last couple of...
0:01:08 > 0:01:10What's the new alarm clock for?
0:01:10 > 0:01:12It's this new speaking alarm clock.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14You record your ain voice in it, right,
0:01:14 > 0:01:16and then it talks you awake in the morning.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18It's like your ain mind talking to you.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Aw, cool.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22I've set it for six.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24It's an early start for me tomorrow.
0:01:32 > 0:01:37'Mate. Mate. Mate!'
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Who is that?
0:01:41 > 0:01:44'It's me. Alarm clock. You asleep?'
0:01:46 > 0:01:49I'm no' noo. What is it?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51'Nothing. Just checking.'
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Sake!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01'Mate. Mate.'
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09'What do you think happens when you die?'
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I don't know, do I? I'm trying to sleep.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16'Do you think alarm clocks go to Heaven, mate?'
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Aye, probably. Do you want to shut up?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22'Sorry, mate.'
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Unbelievable.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32'Mate. Mate. Mate. Big man.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34'Mate!'
0:02:34 > 0:02:35What now?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39'Do you think there's life on other planets?'
0:02:39 > 0:02:42I don't know. I'm just a roofer.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I'm just a guy who works up the roofs.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46'I'm just asking.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48'I was just thinking about space and that there.'
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I'm a roofer who is up they roofs at six tomorrow.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Do you want to shut up?
0:02:52 > 0:02:57'Sake. Calm doon. Sorry.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01'Sake. Grumpy.'
0:03:03 > 0:03:06'Aw no, aw no, get up mate, get up!
0:03:06 > 0:03:10'I slept in mate, it's hauf eleven.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13'Sorry, mate, slept in.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14'Slept in.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18'I was up all night thinking about a lot of shite as per.'
0:03:21 > 0:03:23All right? I'm Johnny Boy John.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Johnny Boy John eatin' pakora is for real.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Johnny Boy John shovin' a bit of pakora down his maw's old tights
0:03:28 > 0:03:30and using them as a punch bag is for real.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34Johnny Boy John wearin' his dad's pants on his heid
0:03:34 > 0:03:37and eatin' pakora sauce oot of a chocolate fountain is for real.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Saucy pant-muncher!
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Johnny Boy John stuffin' a chocolate fountain down his Uncle Danny's Speedos
0:03:44 > 0:03:47and telling Joe Calzaghe that his dad smokes roll-ups is for real!
0:03:47 > 0:03:51I'm no' trying to take away from your achievements
0:03:51 > 0:03:54but my old man's been puffin' on the roll-ups for 40 year noo.
0:03:54 > 0:04:00Pakora, pakora, pakora. Oi, deal with it, Calzaghe
0:04:00 > 0:04:04Oi, Calzaghe, you'd better learn how to deal with Johnny Boy John.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06For real!
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Professor Brian Cox, the actor Brian Cox,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11a guy from up my Uncle Nubby's bit called Brian Cox who got
0:04:11 > 0:04:13jailed for trying to shove cocodamol up a copper's nostril.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You think being called Brian Cox makes
0:04:15 > 0:04:17you as real as Johnny Boy John?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Get real!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23You should meet my mate Gordy, you'd love him. Gordy!
0:04:23 > 0:04:28Asleep already and after only one can.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31BOTH: What a Wan Can Dan, man!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Are you a Wan Can Dan?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Then you need Alex Ciderson's mini can.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40We've split wan can across 21 tiny cans
0:04:40 > 0:04:44so nobody can ever call you a Wan Can Dan ever again.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47You should meet my mate Gordy, you'd love him.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Mmm, I'd only love him if he's a right good boozer.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53This is my 15th can of the night.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Take me!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Thanks, Alex. She thinks I'm a proper alky.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Wan Can Dan? No Can Do!
0:05:03 > 0:05:05Please drink responsibly.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07No more than 65 cans a night.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20There are dogs with waggly tails and there are dogs with waggly tails.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23And then there's me.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34So, Mr Comely, I hope you've been satisfied in your dealings
0:05:34 > 0:05:36with Teddy Thomson Taxidermy.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39Hopefully your next dog won't be such a fan of sunbeds.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Are you going to show me Jessie before you go?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Well, it can be an emotional moment.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48We find it's best if we are miles away by the time it happens.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Show me the work before you go.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Right.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01There you are.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I'll leave you to get on with your grieving and your grooving.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Can I see the whole lot?
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Right, of course. Of course.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14HE SCREAMS
0:06:16 > 0:06:19That's all right. Just a sparrow.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Are you quite happy with that then?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23I still haven't seen it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Mate, you're acting like you've got something to hide. Show me it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34What the hell was that?
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Show me thae legs.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42No yours. Jesse's.
0:06:56 > 0:06:57He's got cat's legs.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Aye, see, that's the oils and stuff that we use.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03They can make a leg look a bit catty.
0:07:03 > 0:07:08A bit catty? My dug has got cat legs.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10What are you saying? You'd have preferred we gave him cow's legs?
0:07:10 > 0:07:14No, I would have preferred you left his ain legs attached.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18I'll be honest with you, mate.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22We did stuff you dog the normal way - ain legs, the lot.
0:07:22 > 0:07:27Put him in the lorry with a bunch of other animals for delivery...
0:07:27 > 0:07:29What happened?
0:07:29 > 0:07:32The driver had an improbable flashback to Vietnam
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and hit a lorry at a level crossing.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Bang!- Hit by a train?
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Helicopter. Hell of a mess. Animal body parts everywhere.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I mean, we managed to find most of the pieces
0:07:44 > 0:07:47but there was no way to tell what part went with what.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50You cannae tell apart a dog's leg and a cat's leg?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52All legs look much the same when you're drunk, mate.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Mebbe you shouldn't have been drunk.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Everybody's got Catch 22 vision in hindsight.
0:07:58 > 0:08:03I don't want my beloved dog having cat's legs or a rabbit's teeth
0:08:03 > 0:08:05or a wasp's foreskin or a pig's arse.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09Oh.
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Why are you saying, "Oh"?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Do you have anything to say?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You'd dae well at Crufts with that thing.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48KNOCK AT DOOR
0:08:48 > 0:08:50Open up, it's the polis.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54It's the government's mad squad, know that way?
0:08:54 > 0:08:59Evening, sir. My name's Officer McGregor of the polis carry-on.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02This is Officer Toshan.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I'm a polis an' all, sure I am, McGregor?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I think he'll have sussed that for hissel'. Or do you think
0:09:07 > 0:09:11he mebbe thought it was me taking my boy round the doors for Halloween?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12What have I told you?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Quality polis all the way. Keep the geggy clamped.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16What's this about?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19We've had reports of a mad party happening in here.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Party? I've got a few friends round. Has there been a complaint?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Could pure hear you blasting your music out the windae, man.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Bit of Go West, bit of Call Me. I was like that...
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# Call me, call me... #
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Doing that dance he did.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35HE SINGS
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Never you mind Go West, right? You should go wheesht.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Can you keep the noise down? My man's sleeping.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Can YOU keep the noise down, hen?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48We're aboot to make a major arrest here.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Guy's a pure junkie and all that, know the way?
0:09:52 > 0:09:53We're the polis.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57We can make as much noise as we want.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00THEY CHANT AND WHISTLE
0:10:04 > 0:10:07So just you get yersel' back in there.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Hang on, I'm no a junkie.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16You firing into that neighbour, huh? She's a wee honey.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19A wee darling. Looks like Boy George or something.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Boy George?
0:10:22 > 0:10:26- Aye, when she was young, I mean, obviously.- What is all this?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31Listen. We've heard you're having a party and since we're off duty
0:10:31 > 0:10:37in about seven hours, we thought we'd bring some cans and that.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Got a munchy box an' all, in case you've got any Class Bs on the go.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45What? You're saying you want to come in?
0:10:45 > 0:10:46Aye.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50It's no really a choice, in't it no, McGregor?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53It's kinda the law, in't it, Toshan?
0:10:53 > 0:10:58Aye, aye, come in. Why not? Plenty of room.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Boys! In yous come.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Mark's bringing his new bird here tonight.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Oh, aye? That'll be interesting.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15DOOR OPENS
0:11:24 > 0:11:29Right, boys? Let me introduce you to Vanessa.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33- Vanessa de Tiali. Hello. - ECHOING: Pleased... Pleased...
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Sorry, I think my hearing's went funny.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42That's not fair. Not fair!
0:11:44 > 0:11:50S-S-S... Ma stutter's came back.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54You should see the thing I married.
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Can I get you a drink?
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Mm. I would love one.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I cannae get my tongue back in.
0:12:05 > 0:12:06I need to sit down.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08Let me get you a chair.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12THUDDING
0:12:12 > 0:12:15My pacemaker!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17How did yous two meet?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Oh, never mind that.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22At Mark's work, at the Benefits Office.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I go there all the time to grass up benefits cheats.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I'm a benefits grass.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Nae accounting for taste, is there?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Hound.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00I'm just glad we could finally get this extension started.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Between the planning permission and you being available,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I thought this was never going to happen.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Well, it's full steam ahead from now on.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09I'm so glad.
0:13:12 > 0:13:17- Right, that's us done for the day, hen.- What do you mean? It's only eight o'clock in the morning.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That's all we can do the noo before the plumber starts his work.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22You put down one brick.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24See you next week.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I'm surprised they put that brick there.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32- That's stopping me fae doing anything the noo.- It's a brick.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34I thought they'd have put it in about half an inch to the left.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Move it then.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Tell you what I could do. I could maybe put a tap in the now.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Right, that's me done for the day.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50What's he put that tap there for? That's stopping us from doing anything now.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He says the brick should be half an inch to the left.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55You'll need to get the architect to take a look at that.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Right, that's us done for the day.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It's Mrs McIntyre again.
0:14:02 > 0:14:03Mrs McIntyre?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Mrs McIntyre?
0:14:10 > 0:14:16Mrs McIntyre? I'm afraid he's done for the day.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20I'm the electrician. That's me done for the day.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24- You have not even set foot in this garden.- You see that brick?
0:14:24 > 0:14:26I was of the understanding that that brick was going to be
0:14:26 > 0:14:27a half inch to the left.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31I cannae do anything until the glazier's been anyway.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35There's a brick and a tap stuck in some grass.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37What the hell is a glazier going to do?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46There.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Oh, dear, dear, dear.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I wish you hadn't moved that by yourself.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52This is a death trap noo, hen.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We're going to have to put our price up now.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57That lassie slippered my arse.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- We're going to have to demolish that brick and start again.- Go then.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Aw, I'd love to, hen, love to, hen, in years gone by mebbe,
0:15:06 > 0:15:11but just no insuranced to do that now.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13What can you do now, then?
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I cannae do anything until he does what he's doing.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19And I cannae do anything until he's done doing what he's doing.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I can get a wee bit of what I'm doing done
0:15:21 > 0:15:24and once he's done doing that, I can be done doing what I'm doing.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26When I'm done doing done and he's doing done doing,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29we'll be done doing done da-do-ron-ron-da-do-ron-ron.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Do you know what? I actually know a wee bit about demolishing bricks myself.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:44If I could get you all to hold one of these, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47And I'll go and make us all a nice wee cup of tea, eh?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Milk and two, thanks.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58EXPLOSION
0:16:09 > 0:16:14NOOBSLAYER666 says hello. NOOBSLAYER666 says hello.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Bullet in the head, preeeek.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Bullet in the head, preeeek.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Who you talking to?
0:16:20 > 0:16:22I'm playing online, Da'.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23Why are you speaking to people like that?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Because I'm the best, all right, and they need to know.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29You sound like a pain in the arse.
0:16:29 > 0:16:36Whooo. NOOBSLAYER666 just put a bullet to your head, preeeeek.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38You shoot like a girl.
0:16:38 > 0:16:4520 kill streaker, I'm just on. I'm no' even set up. I'm eating crisps. 21, kill streak, preek!
0:16:45 > 0:16:4922, kill streak, preek... Da'!
0:16:49 > 0:16:55Hello there. This is NOOBSLAYER666's faither here.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Just to let yous all know that he might have a 22 kill streak,
0:16:58 > 0:17:02but he's lucky if he's got four pubes to his name.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Bullet to the head, prick.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Have you noticed anything?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Naw. What?
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Is that lassies' chocolate? - Are we buying lassies' chocolate?
0:17:50 > 0:17:54We better no' be stauning here wi' lassies' chocolate like a couple of chocolate-loving lassies.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58'SCUSE ME! Is that lassies' chocolate?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02- What? - The truth! We want the truth.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- Is that lassies' chocolate? - No. It's just chocolate.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- It's all that patter, but. - What patter?
0:18:10 > 0:18:15"Better than sex." Is it all that patter? Is it lassies' chocolate?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Is it better than an orgasm, eating this chocolate?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Is it all that patter?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Do we look like we prefer eating chocolate to having sex
0:18:23 > 0:18:25with our husbands? Do we? Is it all that patter?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Hey, is there a problem here?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Aye, mate. Is that lassies' chocolate?
0:18:30 > 0:18:35Do we look like a couple of chocolate-loving lassies?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It's just chocolate.
0:18:37 > 0:18:43How come there's a lassie buying that chocolate and us?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47We cannae all prefer chocolate to sex, mate.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51It can't all just be coincidence to prefer eating
0:18:51 > 0:18:53bars of chocolate to making love to your husbands, mate.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Is that lassies' chocolate?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Is this a lassies' shop?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00Is going into a shop a lassies' thing?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Is having a husband a lassies' thing?
0:19:02 > 0:19:06Is it all that patter?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11- Up the road.- Up the road, Joe.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Up the road. Up the road, Joe.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Here, boys. Boys.- Tommy.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27I've made up a new song for the day.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- Aw naw.- What now?
0:19:29 > 0:19:34See when the other mob tackles oor lot, we sing this...
0:19:34 > 0:19:41# Please be careful with those legs You could hurt our friends
0:19:41 > 0:19:47# Don't be nasty Live a good life. #
0:19:47 > 0:19:48That's dire.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Dire, Tommy.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# And we pumped your wife. #
0:19:53 > 0:19:55ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS
0:20:06 > 0:20:10Sake. What's going on down there, you clarty bastard?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It's nothing like that, mate.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Well, what is it then?
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It's because I'm shaved down there, know what I mean?
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Sorry, you'll need to repeat that. I didn't hear it
0:20:21 > 0:20:23because I've got a man's ears.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26See when you're like perfectly smooth down there, gets pretty itchy
0:20:26 > 0:20:29when the hair starts to grow back.
0:20:29 > 0:20:36Are you joking? Are you sitting there, bold as brass, with a pair of smooth baws?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40All the guys have got them shaved these days. It's not my fault you're out of touch.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42I don't want to be in touch
0:20:42 > 0:20:45if it involves taking a razor to my haw-maws.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Well, the women love it, mate, so it's your loss.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I don't want to be with a woman that likes a guy with nae pubes.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54There's a name for a woman like that.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Aye, mate, there's a phone number for a woman like that an' aw,
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and I've got it in here.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02How many phone numbers you got on your phone, Peter?
0:21:02 > 0:21:07I'm no shaving my pubes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Well, the world's changed, Peter.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12It's time you changed with it, hairy sacks.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- What you daein'? - Just checking.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Looks like you've got Susan Boyle's heid living down there.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32That's it. You crossed a line there.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Makes your willy look bigger an' aw, so it does.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Huh?
0:21:37 > 0:21:43The balder the giraffe, mate, the longer the neck. Fact.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Do you need blades or will an electric razor do?- Blades, mate.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Buck's sake, man
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- You spilled my pint, mate?- Look...
0:22:11 > 0:22:12You know what's happening.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Wait a minute. Let me get my stuntman in. You all right, Vince?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I'm no' waiting.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Right, you finished? Come on, Vince.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Boys, hold that stuntman.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38Right, that's us noo. Come on, Vince.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43Boys, throw that stuntman out of here.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47Noo, I'm punching you.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Hey, that's plenty. Come on, Vince.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Just you.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Cash machines are rare, aren't they, son?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24Aye, Da'.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26They werenae always like this.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30See back in my day, they were very different.
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Very different indeed.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32What do you mean?
0:23:45 > 0:23:46'Hello? What d'ye want?'
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Is this the cash machine?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50'Aye. What is it?'
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Can I lift some of my money?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53'What for?'
0:23:53 > 0:23:56I'm going up the dancing the night.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00- 'How much?'- 20 quid.- '20 quid?!'- Aye.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03'Sake. Putting you on hold.'
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- You the guy that wants 20 quid? - Aye.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Haun oot.
0:24:23 > 0:24:30Fiver. 10, 11, 12.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- This for going to the dancing you say?- Aye.
0:24:33 > 0:24:3820 quid frittered away on drink. Shocking.
0:24:38 > 0:24:4413, 14, 15.
0:24:44 > 0:24:49- Who's going?- Me and my mates.
0:24:49 > 0:24:5416, 17,
0:24:57 > 0:25:0117.10, 17.20. 17.30, 17.40.
0:25:01 > 0:25:08- I'm short.- I'm wanting 20. - That'll do you.- But I need...
0:25:08 > 0:25:10That'll dae ye.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Hello?- 'That'll dae ye.'
0:25:24 > 0:25:30- That sounds terrible, Da'. - It was, son. The past was garbage.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Never forget that right, it was garbage.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I've run out of bog roll. I think my fish supper
0:25:43 > 0:25:45from last night's still in the bath.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49Just use the paper fae that, if that's what you're needing.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51It isnae.
0:25:51 > 0:25:56Aye, man, see since I started shaving old stovies, havenae looked back.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59No point being a caveman if the women want a cavalier, know what I mean? That's my motto.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Get in on the slick stovies act, man.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08You'll soon be having the same success with the women as I do.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10DOOR CLOSES
0:26:10 > 0:26:14Did someone just come in the door there? Peter?
0:26:18 > 0:26:24Hello. Take a jock to yer janglies for Harry MacLowdrie.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30# The wifies all went dreich
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# And the wifies all went wheech
0:26:32 > 0:26:35# And the wifies all bent o'er the muslin
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# And all the quinies went wheecht
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# And went alang the dreecht
0:26:40 > 0:26:43# Cos all the lassies fancy Ryan Gosling. #
0:26:44 > 0:26:51'Mate, mate, mate. Did you lock the back door, mate?'
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Aye. 'You sure, mate? Mate?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57'Mate? Mate?'
0:26:57 > 0:26:59I locked it.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00'Gonnae just double check, mate?
0:27:00 > 0:27:02'I'll no be able to sleep for worrying about
0:27:02 > 0:27:06'whether or not the back door's locked.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09'Last thing you want is somebody coming in your house
0:27:09 > 0:27:10'when you're asleep, mate.'
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I locked the back door.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Are you sure you locked it?
0:27:22 > 0:27:25'Gonnae make sure the oven's switched off while you're up?'
0:27:37 > 0:27:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd