0:00:18 > 0:00:21Your da' just kept a lot of junk up there, boys.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23I don't think there'll be anything worth finding.
0:00:23 > 0:00:27Och, you never know, Ma, might be something interesting up there.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Have you been up since he died?
0:00:29 > 0:00:34No, no been up there for ages. Ach, youse knock yourselves out though.
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Right, listen.
0:00:39 > 0:00:41In the hospital before he died,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44my da' told me he kept his porn stash up there.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Aw, what?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46His porn stash.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49He asked me to get rid of it for him, in case Ma found it.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52I don't want to know what kind of things he was into.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54If I'm doing it, you can do it an' all, right?
0:00:54 > 0:00:58Now, I'll go up, you keep the edgy in case my ma comes back,
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and you'll need to help me sneak it out an' all.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Apparently, it was quite a big stash.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05'Sake, man! Hurry up, then.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Do youse want a cup of tea?
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Oh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24All right?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27I'm Jolly Boy John. Jolly Boy John wearing his da's wig is FOR REAL.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Back in the '50s,
0:01:28 > 0:01:32the ladies all called me Mr Haircut.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Jolly Boy John wearing a pair of pants made out of his da's wig...
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Wig. Wig.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37..and giving Pixie Lott a knockback is FOR REAL.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Listen, Pixie Doll, I've telt you before,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44you're no' getting a dry ride!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45Jolly Boy John wearing his ma's drawers
0:01:45 > 0:01:47and breaking eggs for an omelette
0:01:47 > 0:01:48in them is FOR REAL.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52Cooking eggs in panties on the BBC.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Don't forget the cooking oil... Trumpet.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58My ma used to bake bread in her pants when we went camping in Wales.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Trumpet.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Pixie Lott wants to eat my omelette!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Oh!
0:02:04 > 0:02:08FOR REAL. Barack Obama, George Bush, Bill Clinton,
0:02:08 > 0:02:12youse think running America makes you as for real as Jolly Boy John?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14GET REAL!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21I hear you have a special relationship with The Almighty,
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Father Mackenzie.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Oh, aye, it's true, we have good banter.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Good banter?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh, aye, some laugh!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31What do you mean?
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Patter. Banter. Good slaggings, and all that.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Are you saying you slag off God?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Aye, of course I do.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I pure wind Him up something rotten, tie Him up in knots.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46'Aye, ding dong! I tie You up in knots, you roaster!'
0:02:46 > 0:02:51Och, away, and start a flood or something, you old tramp, you!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53'I'll start a flood in your trousers, Mackenzie,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55'when I burst your bladder with a swift right hook!'
0:02:55 > 0:02:58See what I mean? Some banter fae the Big Man!
0:03:06 > 0:03:08I'm no' wanting to pay that.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Just want something for cutting about the house with.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Say no more.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Get along to Ciderson's Stores to try out
0:03:14 > 0:03:17our new Cut Aboot The Hoose clothing range.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Saggy joggies.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Ah!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Ill-fitting T-shirts siphoned from your teenage weans.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Jumpers you bought four stone ago.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27We know there's nothing worse
0:03:27 > 0:03:30than the first time you stain a new T-shirt.
0:03:30 > 0:03:34That's why our Cut Aboot The Hoose T-shirts come pre-stained!
0:03:35 > 0:03:37We've got...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48..and so much more.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51When it comes to joggy bottoms, we know you don't just like them comfy,
0:03:51 > 0:03:53you like them extra comfy,
0:03:53 > 0:03:56which is why your Cut Aboot The Hoose joggies come pre-stretched
0:03:56 > 0:03:59by some of the top arses in the British arse industry today.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Guaranteed.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Ciderson's Cut Aboot The Hoose range,
0:04:03 > 0:04:06we care about making sure you look like you don't.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10BELL CHIMES
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Aye?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17It says you've got the world's first interactive ice-cream van?
0:04:17 > 0:04:18Aye.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20I downloaded the app.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22HE SIGHS
0:04:22 > 0:04:23So what do I do, mate?
0:04:23 > 0:04:27Right, well, you make the wee man
0:04:27 > 0:04:30on the wee van on that move about,
0:04:30 > 0:04:37and this app suit makes me move about on the real van.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Calm doon. Calm doon, mate, before you break my arms!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Right, nice and steady.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I'm losing signal here, pal.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Right...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19No, mate, that's not what it's for, mate.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Come on, mate!
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I want flying saucers and strawberry shoelaces, mate.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Ye can have a Mars bar.
0:05:44 > 0:05:4570 pence.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Ye no' want the money, mate? Here...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54If ye don't want the money, mate, I'll keep it.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Listen, ye bag o' fannies, I am going to stick one on your chin!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Oof!
0:06:11 > 0:06:18Hello! Crank a lanky in the ladies' lum, it's Harry MacLowderie!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22# All alang the way
0:06:22 > 0:06:23# And awa' alang the way
0:06:23 > 0:06:25# And all alang the way
0:06:25 > 0:06:26# Ye hear a moaning sound
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# Cos awa' and awa' and the laddies are awa'
0:06:29 > 0:06:33# Cos apparently, Rihanna's had the phone pics hacked. #
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Hey, baby!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Hey, baby, baby!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47Hey, baby, baby, baby!
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Da'!
0:06:55 > 0:06:56WOMAN ON TV GASPS
0:06:56 > 0:07:00HE TUTS AND SIGHS
0:07:02 > 0:07:04What?
0:07:04 > 0:07:10Gasping, mate. I hate it when people gasp in films. A lot of shegite, man.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12That's it spoilt for me now.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Is that no' a wee bit extreme, mate?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Who gasps in real life, mate?
0:07:17 > 0:07:22Wouldn't even know where to get started with that gasping shite.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Ah! Ah!
0:07:27 > 0:07:29You think you're going to suddenly decide to gasp one day,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32and it's going to come out sounding perfect first time?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36What you going on about?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I gasp, mate. All right? I gasp.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41HE SCOFFS Piss off!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42I'm a renowned gasper, mate.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Mad Frankie, the Gasper, they call me.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46When do you gasp?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48When I'm startled.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Right. Show us your gasp, then.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55HE GASPS
0:07:55 > 0:07:59See? Think you're just born wi' gasping skills like that?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02That was no better than my gasp.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03HE GASPS
0:08:03 > 0:08:06You're only saying that because your ear isn't tuned
0:08:06 > 0:08:10to pick up the subtleties in my gasp, all right?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I'm gasping at how bad your gasping is, mate.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Ah!
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Ah!
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- Shite.- How is it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It just sounded exactly the same.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It's not even similar. Listen.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Ah!
0:08:24 > 0:08:25Ah!
0:08:25 > 0:08:26Ah!
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Ah!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Garbage. I've practised for years to get this good, mate.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35Three hours a day, every day, including Christmas Day.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37How do you practise gasping?
0:08:38 > 0:08:39You want me to tell you?
0:08:39 > 0:08:45First of all, you start off with a series of ten sprint gasps, right?
0:08:45 > 0:08:49HE GASPS QUICKLY TEN TIMES
0:08:52 > 0:08:54HE IMITATES BADLY
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Calm down, mate.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58You're like a wee guy having sex for the first time,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00shagging too fast.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Then it's 20 minutes of slow gasping, right?
0:09:05 > 0:09:06HE GASPS SLOWLY
0:09:11 > 0:09:14HE IMITATES POORLY
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Right, I'm only going to say this to you because you're my mate, right?
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Gasping is not for you, pal.
0:09:23 > 0:09:24You're dross.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31D'you know what? You can piss off, mate, right?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Here's what I think, right?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35You tried a wee bit of gasping,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39learned a wee bit of the lingo, and noo, you're trying to pass
0:09:39 > 0:09:44yersel' off as some kind of gasping sensei, or something.
0:09:44 > 0:09:45Well, I don't need to be a sensei.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49You know, your gasping wouldn't look out of place
0:09:49 > 0:09:50on a bit of smeared bog roll, mate.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58PROLONGED GASP
0:10:12 > 0:10:16How do you get God to speak to you so directly, Father Mackenzie?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Well, you see, I used to be like you.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Always being nice to God, bumming Him up.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28"Oh, God, you are so good. Oh, God, you are so great." All that patter.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30And is that wrong?
0:10:30 > 0:10:34He doesnae like all that praise. It makes him hit a beamer.
0:10:35 > 0:10:39One night, I was praying and I heard Him talk to me.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41And what did He say?
0:10:41 > 0:10:46He said, in His wisdom, that He liked - His words -
0:10:46 > 0:10:47"Getting slagged a belter
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"like a spotty junior apprentice on a building site."
0:10:50 > 0:10:53So that's what I dae. Here, watch this...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Aw, look at all this dust!
0:10:58 > 0:11:04Whoever's hoose this is - God's hoose - keeps a right dirty hoose!
0:11:04 > 0:11:09'Aye, very funny. Is that the best you've got, Mackenzie, you pie?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11'You know why the women you work with are called a nun?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14'Because that's how many think you're good looking, mate - none!'
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, aye, cos you're dead handsome, aren't you?!
0:11:18 > 0:11:23What's that look you're going for? Kenny Rogers in a homeless hostel?!
0:11:23 > 0:11:26'It took me seven days to create the world, Mackenzie,
0:11:26 > 0:11:27'but I could create
0:11:27 > 0:11:30'a wee aneurism in your brain as fast as squeezing out a fart!'
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Some banter fae the Big Man!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41All right? You might know somebody like me.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44In every single photie I've ever had taken of me,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I always dae an old double bird.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Every single photie, man. C'mon, take a look.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55There's me when I was on holiday in Spain.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01There's me when I was in Afghanistan.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Aw, there's me on my wedding day.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07There's me when my wee baby boy was born.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10There's me getting my medal fae the Queen.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14There's me when I was nine.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Aw! And there's me when I was five.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Och, and there's my wee mammy before I was born.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24That's me in my mammy's belly.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29It's magic, the old double bird. Try it yourself. See you later!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34BELLS CHIME
0:12:42 > 0:12:45There we are. Do you want some...?
0:12:54 > 0:12:55Ya pair of wee bastards!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04This is lovely.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Amazing.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09You know, when your friends set you up on a blind date,
0:13:09 > 0:13:14you certainly don't expect to meet someone so gorgeous.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17I just hope you're not disappointed yourself.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I'm swallowing it, but the cheese hasn't broke.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52HE GAGS
0:14:33 > 0:14:36So, taxi back to yours?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Hiya.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Thanks for buying our instructional video - How To Punch A Guy.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Now, in this first lesson,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'm going to be showing you the famous crab punch.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58This is my brother-in-law, Gardo.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- Hiya.- Huh!
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Are you ready, Gardo?- Aye. Punch away.- Now, here is your stance.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11This is called crab stance.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13It's named after a kind of fish, a crab.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15You get the full movement in crab stance.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20And now, the punch.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Now, this next punch is legendary... Huh!
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- An iconic skelp.- Huh!
0:15:30 > 0:15:35This is the traditional Burnistoun timetrap punch. Ready, Gardo?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Ready.
0:15:37 > 0:15:42The textbook Burnistoun timetrap wi' a patter flourish.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45HE INHALES
0:15:45 > 0:15:46What's the time, Gardo?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's...
0:15:49 > 0:15:51It's time you stopped punching yersel', mate.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Let's take a look at that in slow motion.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Now, a couple of guys got killed doing the Burnistoun timetrap,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07so please, please, please, don't try this at home, right, kids?
0:16:16 > 0:16:21See, when I was a wee guy, Peter,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25I used to think that maybe all this was just my imagination.
0:16:25 > 0:16:26All what?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Everything. The world, man. Everything.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33That was stupid, wasn't it?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Thing is, but...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I've never seen any proof that it isnae.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45- What?- Where's the proof, Peter? Think about it.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51Why would you imagine anything as shite as this? This flat.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Having one pair of scabby trainers to your name!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Are you even real, Peter?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Think about it.- Aye. I'm real.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Don't get me wrang, sometimes, I wish I wasnae,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06but it was giro day today, so today, aye, I'm real.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11Are ye, but? Or am I just imagining you saying that? Think about it.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Why are you the one imagining me? Why am I no' imagining you?
0:17:13 > 0:17:18Why would you imagine yersel' the way you are, the mess you're in?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20I'm a mess? You're worse than me!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21I'm happy, but.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25I like my life, so I would imagine this, but you're never happy, Peter.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Why would this be your dream? Think about it.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32No. No, I'm the real one, if any of us is.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35Why are you always in my flat, Peter?
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Because you're a lazy bastard, is why.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Aye, I'm lazy. So in this world I imagine,
0:17:43 > 0:17:47where would everything that happens to me happen, mate? In my ain hoose.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50So that I never need to move off my arse. Think about it.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Right, let's go to my flat the noo, then.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Peter, do you even have a flat? I've never been in it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58That's cos you never come to visit me.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Or because it disnae exist, mate.
0:18:00 > 0:18:05Maybe you only exist here, wi' me, nowhere else.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09We go for curries, don't we? We go to the pub.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13I'm a greedy pie that likes a drink, so I WOULD imagine those places.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14That's the universe I'd create, man.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16You're just proving my point here, Peter.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19There's no proof, Peter, there's nae proof
0:18:19 > 0:18:22that you exist anywhere outside...this.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Garbage.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29In fact, when I think about it, mate,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I've never seen you anywhere without me being there.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34How could you, mate? How could you?!
0:18:34 > 0:18:39Is it no' weird, Peter? Is that no' weird? Think about it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You think about it. How could you see me if you're no' actually there?
0:18:42 > 0:18:45You'd have to be there to see me, wouldn't you?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Or maybe I'd have to be there to imagine you being there, mate.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Think about it.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52HE SIGHS I'm away.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Where're you off to, mate?
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Hame.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Aye, that's where I imagined you'd be going.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Do you think maybe I could try
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- speaking to God, Father Mackenzie? - The way I speak to Him, you mean?
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Aye.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30I don't know, son. He'll tie you in knots wi' His patter, I think.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- What are your slaggings like? - All right, I think.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37All right, geez' a sec.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Ho, bawheid!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43'You talking to me, Mackenzie?'
0:19:43 > 0:19:45This boy here wants a word with you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48- On ye go, son.- Aye.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55You're a big dafty! So ye are.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00'Is that it? If human patter's that garbage, I should have covered Adam's mooth
0:20:00 > 0:20:02'with a fig leaf, instead of his willy!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04'I should smite you the noo, wee man.'
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Aw, shut up, ye smitehawk!
0:20:06 > 0:20:09'Right, that's it, I'm coming doon!'
0:20:11 > 0:20:13He willnae. He's bluffing.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Smitehawk, is it?!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27I'm the guy that helped Moses part the Red Sea.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- You think I cannae help this sandal part yer arse cheeks?!- Ha-ha! Yes!
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Ye want to rumble, Mackenzie?
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, haw maw for a haw maw?
0:20:35 > 0:20:37A square go, seriously!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Bah! I'm only ribbin' ye!
0:20:42 > 0:20:44That's no' why I'm doon. I'm doon for another reason.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh, aye, what's that?
0:20:47 > 0:20:53It's your time, Mackenzie. I'm sorry. I'm doon here to fetch you.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Ha! Yeah...
0:20:59 > 0:21:02Come on. We can still have good patter up there, eh?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05A wee heart attack and away we go.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Aye... Aye, I suppose.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- HE LAUGHS HEARTILY - I got you a belter!
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Oh, ya shite, ye!- You should have seen your face there!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20You looked like my boy when he found out what his job doon here was!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Best one ever!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25You stick in at this, son. You're doin' a good job.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28My love be with you, and all that patter!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30So long, suckers!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Aw, some banter fae the Big Man!
0:21:44 > 0:21:49There are 3-5-2 formations and there are 3-5-2 formations.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52And then there's me!
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I've got a hole in the armpit of this sweater.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Go get changed, then.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04I'll be fine.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08You'd better not lift that arm today and embarrass me!
0:22:08 > 0:22:10- Och, I need to go.- I mean it.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14You lift that arm even once and there'll be nae nookie the night!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Suspect matches the description.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24- But that's no' me.- Arms in the air!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- I...- Hands up!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- No, boys...- Arms in the air now! - I cannae...
0:22:29 > 0:22:30GUNSHOT
0:22:32 > 0:22:35A guy needs his nookie.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Here, boys, boys.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54- You all right, man? - How's it going there, man?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57I've thought up a new song for today.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- Oh, here we go.- What now?
0:22:59 > 0:23:02When the other mob's bus is leaving, we sing this...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07# Drive safely!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# Drive safely!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13# It's only a game
0:23:13 > 0:23:15# We want you all hame
0:23:15 > 0:23:16# Safe and sound... #
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Terrible.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20Terrible, Tommy.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23# ..To find us in bed wi' your dug! #
0:23:23 > 0:23:25What?!
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# To find us in bed wi' your da'! #
0:23:28 > 0:23:30What?!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32# To find us in bed wi' your bird! #
0:23:32 > 0:23:34YES!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It's fantastic to see, especially if you get up close. You can...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44I'm sorry, I hate that I keep pushing you back like that,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48but you have to understand that we only move these models
0:23:48 > 0:23:51a fraction of an inch at a time.
0:23:51 > 0:23:56If you were to bump one, even just move an arm a little tiny bit,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59it would be a total catastrophe for us.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Oh, no, of course, of course. I'm sorry.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03DOOR OPENS
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Can I help you?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I think I'm in the wrong studio here, son.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13My name's Biscuity Boyle, Burnistoun's favourite son,
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I'm getting interviewed for that Legends of Sport thing,
0:24:16 > 0:24:19but I got lost on the way back fae the toilet there.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Oh, here, that's that wee rabbit fella and his wee carrot pal.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26There's a wee lassie stays next door to me, she's mad about this pair.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27I'd nae idea youse...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31HE GROANS
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Oh, Mammy-Daddy! Oh, Mammy-Daddy!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Oh, in front of a camera as well.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Captured for posteriery.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44HE BREAKS WIND
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Betrayal by back passage. Oh...
0:24:50 > 0:24:54The pressure on my abdomen there,
0:24:54 > 0:24:57I think I've maybe urilated on your wee rabbit's carpet a bit.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Listen, I'll make myself scarce.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08That's textbook, that, incidentally, old trousers taunting me.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- CRACKING - Oh!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13My knee's locked!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Used to be champion knees, these. Et tu, Brute?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19I'm going here...
0:25:22 > 0:25:26I wasnae always like this, son, I used to be an athlete.
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Look at me now, rolling about, destroying a wee hoose
0:25:30 > 0:25:35like a geriatric pishy Godzilla.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Where's Mr Carrot?
0:25:52 > 0:25:53Where's Mr Carrot?!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Calm, calm, calm doon, son. I'm sure he's...
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Hold on here. Either my Jeremy's went numb again or...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Mr Carrot's in my trousers.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Aye, there he is, there's the wee fellow. Out ye come, pal.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09There he is, there.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10Oh, here, I'll put that away.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Oh, that's odd, that.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17That normally only goes numb
0:26:17 > 0:26:19right before I've had one of them blackouts...
0:26:30 > 0:26:35When this scum planted the bomb that killed our men,
0:26:35 > 0:26:38they thought they had destroyed this investigation.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41But little did they know that we still have this.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46Everything our team was working on for months.
0:26:46 > 0:26:52Every player and, mair importantly, who's connected to who.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55Now, this might be a mystery to all of us right now,
0:26:55 > 0:26:57but we, we will...
0:26:57 > 0:27:00we will not leave this room the night
0:27:00 > 0:27:03until we have worked this out, joined the dots,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and are able to pick up this investigation where it left aff
0:27:06 > 0:27:11and finally put these bastards away!
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Come on, I'll just take youse all to the pictures, come on.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd