0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour.
0:00:17 > 0:00:19TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:19 > 0:00:21All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Jolly Boy John pointing at his granny's pet turtle is For Real.
0:00:27 > 0:00:29Jolly Boy John wearing his granny's tights on his heid
0:00:29 > 0:00:32and asking her pet turtle some hard questions is For Real.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Here, how come your ma managed to get pregnant with you
0:00:35 > 0:00:37while your da was in the jail, ya mad turtle?
0:00:37 > 0:00:40What you going about with a cosh for, ya mad turtle?
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Mad turtle! Get Real!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Jolly Boy John pouring all his granny's false teeth
0:00:45 > 0:00:48down the legs of her tights and swinging them round his heid
0:00:48 > 0:00:51and wearing a bikini made of her three pet turtles is For Real.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# I'm dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny
0:00:53 > 0:00:58# Oh! Dressing like my granny with a turtle over my fanny, yo! #
0:00:58 > 0:00:59For Real!
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Mad, mad turtle, turtle, turtle, turtle!
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Charlie Nicholas, Chris Kamara, Jeff Stelling,
0:01:04 > 0:01:05you're on that football
0:01:05 > 0:01:09trying to be as For Real as Jolly Boy John...Get Real!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Mad Turtle!
0:01:11 > 0:01:17Right, you, Toshan, remember what the match commander told us.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Nae watching the game.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Eyes on the crowd at all times, like quality polis.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26Nae watching Burnistoun United tanking your lot, McGregor.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Nae watching United City
0:01:27 > 0:01:30putting all your airy-fairy wee players on their arses.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32None o' that. Quality polis.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Quality polis.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36CROWD ROARS
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Eyes on the crowd, on the crowd!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Eyes skelped on the crowd a belter!
0:01:52 > 0:01:55Right, that's it. I'm gonnae...eh...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58I'm gonnae check there's nae violence
0:01:58 > 0:02:01happening on the field, right?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04Yes! Yes! Off you go!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Off you go, you dirty bastard!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Yes! Yes!
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Your team are gonnae get pumped now,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16cos you've just had a guy sent off.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I hate your lot! I hate them!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20I hate yours!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Aw, there he is, eh?!
0:02:26 > 0:02:29The quality goalie, eh?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Toshan, give this HERO his ball back.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37HE SPRAYS PEPPER AND GOALIE SCREAMS
0:02:37 > 0:02:39I never touched him or nothin'! Get off!
0:02:39 > 0:02:41That was play-acting, sure it was?!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Toshan!- Ho!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Gaffer, you'll need to send down the horses.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48That's another riot on the go.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Aye, it was a sending off.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Aye, it was a sending off!
0:02:53 > 0:02:56You're a United fan an' all? I'll tell you what then,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Your team are shite!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Yis are shite!
0:03:00 > 0:03:03You come doon here and say that to my face!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Come and say that to my face, you rat, you!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Get your hands off us, ya horrors!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28There are special offers on sharp sand at B&Q,
0:03:28 > 0:03:33and there are SPECIAL OFFERS on sharp sand at B&Q.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36And then there's me...
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Ahhh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48I had no idea my muscles were so tense.
0:03:48 > 0:03:49Ahhh!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Aw, I just feel so relaxed!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Would you like a happy ending?
0:03:57 > 0:04:01I would love a happy ending.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Well, just turn over onto your back.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You were separated in care as young children
0:04:14 > 0:04:17when your mother abandoned you after your father's death.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20His adopted family moved to Australia
0:04:20 > 0:04:25and you haven't seen or heard from each other in over thirty years.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26It's your brother, Craig!
0:04:30 > 0:04:33I can't believe it's you!
0:04:33 > 0:04:35And it's your mother, Morag!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40My boys, my boys! I'm so sorry!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Oh, your stauner looks just like your Dad's used to!
0:04:45 > 0:04:49He'd have been so proud of you, son!
0:04:51 > 0:04:59Burnistoun, I want to sing to y'all tonight. Hit me!
0:05:07 > 0:05:13# Baby, baby
0:05:13 > 0:05:19# I want to touch you and hold you tight... #
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Wahh!
0:05:22 > 0:05:27# Baby, baby
0:05:27 > 0:05:35# I want to hold you and squeeze you just right
0:05:35 > 0:05:37HE WINCES
0:05:50 > 0:05:52HE MUMBLES
0:06:00 > 0:06:03# I'm sorry, baby
0:06:03 > 0:06:06# Just remembered about death for a moment there
0:06:06 > 0:06:10# Baby
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# I love you
0:06:13 > 0:06:16# I love you... #
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Whoo!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Buy it!
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Buy it!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Buy what?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I drive one of these myself. Just buy it!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35I hope Paul's giving you the red carpet treatment
0:06:35 > 0:06:38because if he's not, I'll butcher his ear lobes!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40THEY MAKE FIGHTING NOISES
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I actually drive one of these myself.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I just bought a new car!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59New, schmoo, yer maw buzzes glue! Buy it!
0:06:59 > 0:07:01- Buy it!- Buy it!
0:07:01 > 0:07:02- Buy it!- Buy it!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Bleurgh!- Bleurgh!
0:07:04 > 0:07:05- Bleurgh!- Bleurgh!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06- Bleurgh!- Bleurgh!
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Bleurgh!- Bleurgh!
0:07:08 > 0:07:09All right!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Waaahhh! I assume you'll be wanting
0:07:11 > 0:07:16the tip-top-toppety of the r-r-r-ray-ray-range?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- Top!- Toppetty! - Top!- Toppetty!
0:07:19 > 0:07:20- Top!- Toppetty!- Top!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Top-top-top....TOOOOOOP!
0:07:23 > 0:07:28- TOOOOOOOP! - Top! Top! Top! Top!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- TOOOOOOOP! - Top! Top! Top! Top!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31- All right!- Yes!
0:07:31 > 0:07:34HE SOBS
0:07:34 > 0:07:36THEY SING CELEBRATORY SONG
0:07:39 > 0:07:41DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:07:43 > 0:07:46See the next time you have a fish supper
0:07:46 > 0:07:48and you find a black chip?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51That's a government chip!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56HE PANTS
0:07:59 > 0:08:00Keep your eyes open!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06GAMES CONSOLE CONTROLLERS CLICK
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- HE SNIGGERS - Aw naw!
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Here's Marky boy coming again!
0:08:22 > 0:08:23THEY GROAN AND SIGH
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Who's Marky boy?
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Our mate. He used to be all right,
0:08:28 > 0:08:32but he took something at a party one night and had a bad trip.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's totally messed him up.
0:08:34 > 0:08:35He thought he was taking an ecstasy
0:08:35 > 0:08:38but he ended up taking one of they Thatcher pills.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Now half the people that took them think they're Maggie Thatcher.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Maggie Thatcher?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47All right, boys?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49All right, Marky?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Marky, this is DO. DO, Marky.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54All right mate?
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Diego? Sounds a wee bit Argentinian to me, mate.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Where you fae?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Burnistoun.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04You'd better be, mate. You'd better be. Do you know who I am?
0:09:05 > 0:09:08I'm Maggie Thatcher, mate.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10I'm your Prime Minister!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13Right, Marky, sit down. Don't start your shite.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Sorry, man. Sorry.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19I've been getting my heid nipped about shipyards all day, man.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'll tell you, see by the time I'm done with the Scottish,
0:09:21 > 0:09:23they'll no forget me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:27Where d'ye stay?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Faulkner Drive.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32The Falkland Islands?!
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You want to try and claim the Falkland Islands?!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37You and me, square go the now, Maradona!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I'll get the navy to torpedo your wee fat tadger for you!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44Do you think I'm just gonnae take this?
0:09:44 > 0:09:47You've got some brass neck coming here to Ten Downing Street
0:09:47 > 0:09:53to square up to the Iron Lady, Nigel Lawson and Norman Tebbitt!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Listen mate, we were all having a good time
0:09:55 > 0:09:56before you walked in that door,
0:09:56 > 0:10:01so why don't you turn yoursel' back around and walk back oot?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06Listen, the lady's not for turning, ya fanny!
0:10:06 > 0:10:10The lady's not for turning.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I think what my Right Honourable Friend is trying to say here
0:10:13 > 0:10:17is that we all have everything we need to have a good time, right?
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Whoa, whoa, whoa!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33My ma's not wanting us drinking up here, Mark.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37Tell your ma to shut it or I'll shut down that factory she works in.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41I'm playing the winner.
0:10:41 > 0:10:45Oh-ho-ho! It's a magnificent strike!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Miners' strike?!
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Right, come here you, ya mad Scargill!
0:10:50 > 0:10:55There's the Hand of God, Diego! Ya wee prick!
0:10:55 > 0:10:58The wee man came into the side over the past few weeks.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59He's done great.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02We saw his potential in training from the start of the season,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and at 17, he's only going to get better.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09So John, would you do the honour of presenting him
0:11:09 > 0:11:13with the Richie Stroke Burnistoun Butcher Man of the Match?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Ho! Ho!
0:11:16 > 0:11:22It's against the law to supply an under-ager with drink, sure it is!
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I'm going to have to take you down to the station, pal! Know that way?
0:11:29 > 0:11:33And that is getting taxed an' all, ya diving wee dick!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Oh-ho-ho! There he is, eh?
0:11:42 > 0:11:47# Oh-ho-ho! Oh-ho-ho!
0:11:47 > 0:11:49# Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave
0:11:49 > 0:11:51# Tommy, gis a wave
0:11:51 > 0:11:54# Tommy, Tommy, gis a wave. #
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Yas!
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Ah, brilliant, man, brilliant!
0:11:59 > 0:12:03The wee man came into the side over the last few weeks. He's done great.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06We saw his potential in training...when we sneaked in...
0:12:06 > 0:12:09from the start of the season, and at seventeen,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11he's only going to get better.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Just wondering, eh, any more police going to invade my interview?
0:12:19 > 0:12:21One of us, or one of them?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23They're all one of them, big man.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Aye, too right.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I'll tell ye something, don't (BLEEP) ever offer me that again!
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Peppered! HE SPRAYS PEPPER
0:12:35 > 0:12:38REPORTER SCREAMS AND COUGHS
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Quality polis!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51# Let me see you dance
0:12:51 > 0:12:53# Let me see you dance
0:12:53 > 0:12:54# Let me see you dance
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# Let me see you dance, y'all
0:12:56 > 0:12:59# Let me see you dance... #
0:12:59 > 0:13:03Now I want everybody on their feet for this one
0:13:03 > 0:13:04# Let me see you dance
0:13:04 > 0:13:07# Let me see you dance... #
0:13:07 > 0:13:08Everybody, everybody!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Nah, I'm all right
0:13:10 > 0:13:13# Let me see you dance... #
0:13:13 > 0:13:15C'mon!
0:13:15 > 0:13:16All right!
0:13:16 > 0:13:17# Let me see you dance... #
0:13:21 > 0:13:24And I don't want to see no stepping from side to side dance either.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28I want to see some real dancing in here tonight, y'all.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Turn the house lights on.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34I want to see my people dancing.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Stop the music.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44But everybody keep dancing.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46But I want y'all to dance in silence.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Now I want all my band off the stage.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Thank you, guys.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59But everybody keep dancing.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01Keep dancing.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Let me see you dance.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Now I'm going to choose one of y'all from the audience tonight.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11You.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14The guy with the mustard sweater on.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17The guy looking at the floor, with the mustard sweater on.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Let me see you dance.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Yeah!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Now I want everybody to stop dancing,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28everybody except this guy, and watch this guy dance.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Let everybody see you dance.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39All right. Now I want everybody to leave now
0:14:39 > 0:14:41except this guy.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44You've been a wonderful audience. Goodnight!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46You keep dancing.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Let me see you dance.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Let me see you dance.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Let me see you dance.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Decent wee pub this, in't it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Aye.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Have you noticed anything, but?
0:15:15 > 0:15:17What?
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Look at all the punters in here.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Ancient.- Is this an old man's pub?
0:15:31 > 0:15:32Is this a smelly old granda's pub?
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- Ho, barman!- Barman!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- What is it? - Is this an old man's pub, barman?
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Do we look like a couple of old granda's staunin' here, barman?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Do we look like a couple of pishy old granda's here, barman?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Naw. It's just a pub.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Here, auld yin!
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Aye?- Can you hear me, auld yin?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Will we speak up a bit for ye, auld yin?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- Turn up your hearing aid, auld yin! - I can hear ye.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Is this an auld man's pub?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Are we like a couple of smelly auld pishy men in here, auld yin?
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Can ye hear us? I'm sayin'...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06I can hear ye.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Is this an auld coffin-dodgers' pub?
0:16:08 > 0:16:13Do we look like we're wearing yellow stained trousers in here, auld yin?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15This is just a family pub.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21Aw, it's just for families, is it, eh?
0:16:21 > 0:16:26Is that you judging us because we're in a same-sex relationship?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30Typical auld man's pub, auld man's prejudice.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32C'mon Joe - up the road.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36- Up the road now!- Up the road. - Up the road.
0:16:37 > 0:16:41- Up the road.- Up the road now!
0:16:41 > 0:16:43- Up the road, Joe.- Up the road now, up the road.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- Up the road now!- Up the road. - Up the road.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Up the road!
0:16:53 > 0:16:54- Up the road!- Up the road!
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Here, mate. See the next time you're posting a letter,
0:17:01 > 0:17:03have a listen at that slot.
0:17:03 > 0:17:08See if you hear beeping or somebody complaining about their working conditions,
0:17:08 > 0:17:10that's a government postbox.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:17:14 > 0:17:16Keep your eyes open.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40All right, Peter?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Aye.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28All right, I'll go hame and put my trainers on.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29Sake!
0:18:33 > 0:18:35CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Aagh!
0:18:44 > 0:18:47This'll do for my maw's hall.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01What can I get you?
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Double cheeseburger meal, please. With a banana milkshake.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Anything else?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Big Tasty meal. Er, large, with a Diet Coke.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Anything else?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Anything else?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Anything else?- No!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Anything else?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Anything else?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Sorry, I just remembered about death there.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Mozzarella dippers as well, please. And an apple pie.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39That's all.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Pay at the next window.- Hey.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Trainers!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21HE SIGHS
0:20:21 > 0:20:23What you want to do today, mate?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Don't know, mate. What do you want to do?
0:20:26 > 0:20:30- I'm no' fussed, mate. It's up to you.- I'm quite happy with whatever.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Naw, honestly, you decide. - Naw, why don't you decide?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36How can you no' decide?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Cos I'm no' bothered. You decide.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40I'm no bothered either, mate. Whatever.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Don't "whatever" me, mate. You decide.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44I don't care, mate.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48I don't care either, mate. So you decide, ya joke!
0:20:48 > 0:20:49You're the joke, mate.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You're the one that can't decide what he wants to do.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56Well, maybe I don't want to do anything, mate!
0:20:58 > 0:21:01I was only asking you what you what you wanted to do, all right?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So decide!
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You decide.
0:21:05 > 0:21:06NAW!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09DECI-I-I-I-DE!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11NAW!
0:21:11 > 0:21:14DECI-I-I-I-DE!
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Here's what I want to do today, mate, all right?
0:21:18 > 0:21:21I would love to go to your funeral, mate,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25I'd carry the coffin up the stairs to that crematorium myself.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I'd have a wee party hat on, mate, and I'd be singing
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# Do-do-do-do dah-dah-dah-dah
0:21:31 > 0:21:36# It's a celebration This bastard's getting burnt! #
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I'll tell you what I want to do today, mate.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43I would love to get cremated, mate.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48BURN ME! BURN ME!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And when they put me into that fiery furnace,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53I'll reach out with my hand and I'll grab your neck
0:21:53 > 0:21:57and I'll pull ye in beside me, mate.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02AND WE'LL BOTH BURN TOGETHER!
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Well, here is what I want to do today, mate.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I would love for you to pull me into that furnace, mate,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13and then I'd jump out, a big fireball with legs,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16and I'd climb over your maw and your sisters
0:22:16 > 0:22:19and with all that hairspray they wear, mate,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22they would go up like a row of big fat fireworks!
0:22:22 > 0:22:26BOOM! POW! OOH! AAH!
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Your whole family deid!
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Every single person that loves you, mate!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Deid!
0:22:34 > 0:22:39Every single memory of your existence on this planet, mate,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42extinguished.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I HATE YOU!
0:22:48 > 0:22:52I don't suppose you'll be wanting to go for a run in the new van
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I bought for us.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Palsmobile, mate.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Palsmobile.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Pals only.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16HE SNIFFS
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Hello.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Get yer dugs up on their feecht
0:23:28 > 0:23:30for Herry McLoudery.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38The nicht went the braw ken tak alang a' way
0:23:38 > 0:23:41And the quine went the nicht wi' the drum an' scatch
0:23:41 > 0:23:45And awa', and awa' and it eywis wis awa'
0:23:45 > 0:23:49And the model's dating Benedict Cumberbatch.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Right. Yer mam wants me to learn you the family trade cos you're a rocket
0:23:59 > 0:24:02and your superstar DJ lifestyle's gettin' you nowhere.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05This guy's supposed to pay me two grand a week ago.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07So we'll act like I'm no here.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11You go in, demand the money. I'll watch, see how you get on.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Get in there, show him your stuff.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15I'm on it.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Show him my stuff.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Show him my stuff.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- What do you want?- Show us your muff.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- What?- I mean, show us your fanny.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I mean, gie me the stuff, ya fanny.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41- Who are you?- I'm DJ Bertie Booster.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I mean, I'm Uncle Gary's nephew.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47DJ Bertie Booster's my showbiz name.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Well, listen, wee man.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53We'll boost ye out that window there if you don't piss off.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59That's fair do's, that's quality feedback. I'll just...
0:24:59 > 0:25:01What's that?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04I just think the guy's maybe a wee bit short on cash, right,
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- and if we let him save up... - You want people to think they can bump me outta dough?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Get back in there.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17Nobody bumps my uncle outta dough...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22I am gonnae pump your uncle in his hole!
0:25:22 > 0:25:24What you talking aboot?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Look, tell you what. Geez us a tenner now, right?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30How about I stick this tumbler up your arse
0:25:30 > 0:25:34- and pour you a pint of my shoes? - I don't know what that really means
0:25:34 > 0:25:37but I'll just go anyway in case it happens
0:25:37 > 0:25:38and I don't like it.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- It's a work-in-progress. - We're no' negotiating here!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Stop shoutin' at us, Uncle Gary,
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- or I'll pour a pint of arse on your shoes.- What?!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50I never said anything.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Listen....
0:25:54 > 0:25:56"I'm fae Gary Riley. I want his money."
0:25:56 > 0:26:00And then break something if you need to. Get in there.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Right....
0:26:11 > 0:26:15Looks like we've had a little accident.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20I'm here for Gary Riley. Gie me his money.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Listen, wee man, I don't know you fae Adam.
0:26:22 > 0:26:27So if Gary Riley wants his money, tell him to send somebody I know.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31What if I prove to you that I'm Gary Riley's nephew?
0:26:31 > 0:26:34And how would you do that?
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I'll tell you something only a family member would know.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Go, then.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Right. Right.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44When I was a wee boy, Uncle Gary took me to Blackpool
0:26:44 > 0:26:46and we went on the Grand National.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51He had a bad hangover and when we went over the fastest bump,
0:26:51 > 0:26:53he shat himself.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55MEN LAUGH
0:26:55 > 0:26:58What, yous don't believe me? Uncle Gary?
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Uncle Gary?
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Looking for a Friday night DJ?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Fair do's.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17And what will you be putting
0:27:17 > 0:27:20into the Burnistoun Winter Gardens time capsule?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm going to put in this Ben 10 toy
0:27:22 > 0:27:24so that Burnistoun children of the future
0:27:24 > 0:27:27will know what boys played with in the year 2012.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33I'm putting in this CD,
0:27:33 > 0:27:37because it's the music that's meant the most to me in 2012.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Well, I think that's everybody. So we'll...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47MAN CLEARS THROAT I've got something.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I'm putting in this sawn-off shotgun
0:27:53 > 0:27:56so that the polis cannae trace...
0:27:56 > 0:28:01so that the polis of the future can have a better understanding
0:28:01 > 0:28:07of how I robbed...how criminals robbed post offices in the past.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Right. I...
0:28:14 > 0:28:18I'll put in this machete, so the Burnistoun children of the future
0:28:18 > 0:28:21know that hitmen sent up from London to do you in
0:28:21 > 0:28:23need to be dealt with in a brutal manner
0:28:23 > 0:28:26to send the message to the Burnistoun boys...
0:28:28 > 0:28:32So children of the future understand what a good machete looks like.
0:28:37 > 0:28:41If we could maybe not have any more weapons going into the time capsule,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43it's not really the kind of...
0:28:54 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd