0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Here, here, I could swear I just saw a half-brick
0:00:22 > 0:00:24that was the other half of a half-brick
0:00:24 > 0:00:27I saw on a bit of spare ground when I was about 18.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35I heard old Biscuity Boyle was down there an' all.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Aye, got his heid trapped in a turnstile, but.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Missed the first half.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Poor old bugger, man.
0:00:45 > 0:00:46What's up?
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Oh, right. Excalibur.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52What is it?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Just a magical sword thing. It's been here for years.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56It's a belter, man.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Aye. Anyway, you coming?
0:01:00 > 0:01:02This pub's always heaving and I want to get a seat.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You ever tried to pull it out?
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Aye, when I was a wee guy, aye.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07It doesnae come out.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11People just mainly use it for cutting their sausage suppers in half.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Know what I mean? On the way back from the pub.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Geez a minute, man.
0:01:22 > 0:01:24THEY LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- No way, man!- It was easy, man. It just came oot.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Because you were destined to take the sword.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37You were born to wield Excalibur, young...
0:01:37 > 0:01:38What is your name?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Mad Wullie.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Young Mad Wullie, the sword is yours.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You are our champion.
0:01:48 > 0:01:53Yas, excellent, I'm the champion! Championes, championes!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Aye, right, that's good, but listen. You'll no get into the pub with that.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Oh, naw, here, he's right, old yin. I'll no get in the pub with this.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04The pub is the least of your concerns with evil rising.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It's dead heavy an' all. Any chance I could just stick it back in
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and I'll pick it up on the way back from the boozer?
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- It was a magical seal. You can't... - Here, Wullie.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14There's an old used bin bag here, you could use that.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Aye, good idea. Hold on, but.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I've got a bit of shite on my shoe here, look.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- This'll help me scrape it off. - Please don't.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25There we go. Right, old yin -
0:02:25 > 0:02:28that's it in this bin bag, right?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Punt it in there. That'll dae.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34You stay and keep an eye on it as well, Granda'? All right?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38Come on Brian, let's go to the boozer and get leathered, right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46How goes our champion, Sir Arthur?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49My lady, our champion is...
0:02:51 > 0:02:53..a fanny.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Jolly Boy John's radiator no working is for real.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07Jolly Boy John phoning a plumber and asking him to bleed his radiators
0:03:07 > 0:03:10but saying dadilators instead of radiators is for real.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14Over here immediately and bleed my dadilators!
0:03:15 > 0:03:18For real! Jolly Boy John hiding under his bed
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and rolling picked onions at a plumber's feet is for real.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32Bleed my dadilators!
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Jolly Boy John strumming a pickled onion in his belly button
0:03:36 > 0:03:37while his maw's wet tights are dryin' out
0:03:37 > 0:03:39and a big packet of frozen mince
0:03:39 > 0:03:41is defrosting on the dadilator is for real.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Tights! Mince! Dadilator! Tights! Mince! Dadilator!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Time for your dinner, ladies. For real!
0:03:52 > 0:03:56Bear Grylls, Elton John, Ronald MacDonald,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58youse all swan about, all mad dancing together
0:03:58 > 0:04:01trying to be as for real as Jolly Boy John. Get real!
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Dom and Tom Toms are twins.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12They've lived together all their life.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17Me and my brother, Dom, we're like two pieces of pea in the same pod.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20We dress alike, talk alike,
0:04:20 > 0:04:21we even finish each other's...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- Sandwiches.- ..sentences.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28We both run an antique metalwork shop on the High Street,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31called Rustified And Ancient.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33We love nothing more than to encourage people to come down
0:04:33 > 0:04:35and have a dig through our...
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- Trousers.- ..treasures.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38We never married.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Just never seemed to find the time.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Although we have had our fair share of...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Restraining orders.- ..relationships.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Relationships.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59At night, after dinner,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02we like to settle down, discuss our day, and share..
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- A bath.- ..a beer.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08People often ask if we get lonely,
0:05:08 > 0:05:12but we do enjoy each other's company,
0:05:12 > 0:05:15and with no wives and no children,
0:05:15 > 0:05:18let me tell you, the world is our...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Enemy.- ..oyster.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22It's an oyster.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27We hate the thought of anyone feeling sorry for us.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30We're actually very philosophical about our lot.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33As they say, life is like a box of...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- Condoms.- ..chocolates.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Chocolates.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Honestly, he has driven me to...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44- Disneyland.- ..distraction.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49Although, to be fair, he has once driven me to Disneyland,
0:05:49 > 0:05:52when we were on the run from the polis.
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs...
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Bugger you.- Bugger YOU!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22You wanted to see the two legends, gaffer?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Bought you a wee happy meal, gaffer.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26A wee present for you, you know that way?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28I don't want a happy meal, Toshan.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31I'm a grown man, a very unhappy grown man.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Aw, listen, if people are still making complaints about us then I am shocked,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37because we have been quality polis for the last...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- ..day or so. - Quality polis all the way.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Nae stealing nothing, nae leathering anybody,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45nae boozing, nae rolling joints,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48nae strippers, nae knocking caravans.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49That's plenty, Toshan.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I've a statement here from one Paul Young.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- What, the singer from the '80s? - Belter!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58# Wherever I lay my hat
0:06:58 > 0:06:59# That's my home. #
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Away and live in the bin, then.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10Not the singer. He's a fellow who wanted our help when his car was stolen.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Aw, that big diddy? What's he been sayin'?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16He said "I was shocked to have the police tell me that my stolen car
0:07:16 > 0:07:19"was, in their words,
0:07:19 > 0:07:20"a shanner anyway."
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Aw, it was, but.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Was, gaffer. A total shanner.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29"The two officers then went on to criticise my CD collection
0:07:29 > 0:07:33"and then demanded a shot on my home treadmill,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- "which led to the fatter officer..." - That's you, McGregor.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39"..smashing through my patio doors."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I've another complaint here from a Mrs Adams,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45who said she spotted both of you - her words -
0:07:45 > 0:07:48"In my back garden bouncing on my daughter's trampoline at four in the morning.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50"The fatter officer..."
0:07:50 > 0:07:51That's you, McGregor.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"..dressed in my underwear, stolen from the washing line."
0:07:54 > 0:07:57We were probably undercover or something. I cannae mind.
0:07:57 > 0:08:02I don't want to see youse back in here for a month. Suspended!
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Hey!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Where are you going? Forgetting something?
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I'm tired of peppering you pair, so I am.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18THEY SCREAM AND GROAN
0:08:23 > 0:08:26TV: 'Northern Ireland, the Lake District...'
0:08:26 > 0:08:29SHE SCREAMS
0:08:29 > 0:08:31- What's the matter?- Nothing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Just needed a wee scream.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37What a psycho.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Do you ever feel like you need a wee scream
0:08:40 > 0:08:42without looking like a total psycho?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I certainly do.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47That's why I invented our brand new Ciderson's Screambox.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52HE SCREAMS
0:08:53 > 0:08:55Our productivity has...
0:08:55 > 0:08:57'No matter where or when...'
0:08:57 > 0:09:02..so we can see the rewards of our long-term planning starting to...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05THEY ALL SCREAM
0:09:10 > 0:09:11'..or with whom.'
0:09:11 > 0:09:15I thought we might maybe have a wee romantic...
0:09:20 > 0:09:21..the night.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25SHE SCREAMS
0:09:25 > 0:09:28The Screambox is there to help.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I came up with this idea when one of my food products failed to sell
0:09:31 > 0:09:34and I lost my house and my wife and my children.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39HE SCREAMS
0:09:41 > 0:09:44I still cannae believe you pulled that mad big sword out, man.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I know, man. Mental, in't it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:48Here we go, man.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Here, old yin. They sausage rolls ready yet?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Brilliant wee place this, in't it?
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Aye, nice grub.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Have you noticed anything, but?
0:10:12 > 0:10:14What?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18Look at the other punters in here.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31HE SNIFFS HARD Snobby.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32Aye, snobby.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Is this a snobby joint?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Is this a snobby joint?
0:10:36 > 0:10:37What's it called?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Capoeira. Is that a snobby word?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41It's a Brazilian word, I think.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Is it a snobby Brazilian word?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I don't know if there are any snobs in Brazil.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Here, mate!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Is there snobs in Brazil?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Excuse me?
0:10:54 > 0:10:55Hear that? "Excuse me."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Who says that?- Exactly. Snobby.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Excuse me.
0:11:02 > 0:11:03Is this a snobby joint?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05What do you mean?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Is this one of they snobby joints with snobby people
0:11:07 > 0:11:09looking down on people like us?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It's a mix. Is there a problem?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Listen, mate. Why do people come here?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Is it to prove how special they are?
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Here, mate!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Why do you come here? Is it to prove how special you are?
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Excuse me?
0:11:23 > 0:11:28Hey! Enough of the "excuse me's" ya snobby Brazilian bastard!
0:11:28 > 0:11:30C'mon Joe, up the road!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Up the road now!
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Up the road! Up the road! - Up the road now!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- That's it! Up the road! - Up the road!
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Up the road now! Up the road!
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Up the road now! Up the road!
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- 'Mon, up the road!- Up the road!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Have you ever struggled for what to say
0:12:06 > 0:12:09when your child asks you a difficult question?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Mummy, how are babies made?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16You don't want to answer that question, right?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Contact me.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22Big Des Murphy at I'll Dae It.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24And I'll dae it. I will.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I'll dae it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Your da' does the dirty to your old dear is how. The lucky dog.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Then nine months later, you bust your way out
0:12:34 > 0:12:38like a jumbo jet's nose through a pigeon's arse.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42I'll dae it.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47Daddy, where's Granny now? Is she in Heaven?
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Now that's a difficult question to answer, in't it?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52I'll dae it.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It's nae skin aff my nose.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Your granny's rotting in the ground, son.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59She's mair a soup than a granny now.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03You could sook her up through one of your wee curly drinking straws.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07My service is open to single parent families, tae.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I'll dae it. Just ask me.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I'll dae it.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16Mammy, why did Daddy move out the house?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Does he not love me any more?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Your da' loves ye, son, he does.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27But he loves that big slag fae up the Burnistoun high flats mair.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32Nae luck. Love is a fallacy anyway, and men are all animals.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35We're all just spinning through space on a ball of crap,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37hanging on for dear life
0:13:37 > 0:13:40like some maggots inside a deid dug
0:13:40 > 0:13:43some wee guy's flung onto the waltzers.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Any time, seriously. I'll dae it.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I couldnae gie a fuck.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50It's no my wean.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Ah, Davie.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Have a seat.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Hey, listen.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05If it's about that result at the weekend, I'm on it.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08It's not about that, Davie.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10It's about our fans.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14It's about this club's fans.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15What about them?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18I've been taking photographs of them.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30See? Do you see?
0:14:30 > 0:14:32I'm no followin' ye, Gaffer.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Be straight with me here, Davie.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Are we the ugly ones?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- What?- Are we the ugly ones?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45Of the two great sides across this Burnistoun divide,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47are we the ugly bastards?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Erm...
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It was last year it occurred to me.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I was sittin' in the director's box at the cup final
0:14:54 > 0:14:56and when we scored the winning goal
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I looked at our fans celebrating...
0:15:01 > 0:15:03..I nearly boaked.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I nearly heaved over the back of the Lord Provost's suit jacket.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11HE GROANS
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Teeth missing, bellies hanging oot,
0:15:14 > 0:15:16and that was just the lassies.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Oor lot are houkers, Gaffer, it's true.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22A-a-ah! Dammit!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24I'd heard their lot singing songs
0:15:24 > 0:15:27about how our lot were the ugly ones,
0:15:27 > 0:15:29but I thought it was just banter.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33I didnae realise it was accurate, critical appraisal, set to music!
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Look, leave it to me, all right?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I'm working on it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:39How can you fix this?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42I've got a scout over in Spain the noo.
0:15:42 > 0:15:43We're going to sign a bunch of
0:15:43 > 0:15:45Atletico Madrid fans for next season.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Wee honeys. Big tanned hunks.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Aye, aye, you get they gorgeous fans signed as quick as you can.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Don't you worry about the cost.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Now, you'd better hurry up.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00I've got a meeting with
0:16:00 > 0:16:03the new President of the Supporters' Club in a minute.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15HE GROANS
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Dom and Tom Toms are twins.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31They live and work together every day
0:16:31 > 0:16:33and are so on each other's wavelength
0:16:33 > 0:16:35that they finish each others' sentences.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Hello.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43How can we help you?
0:16:43 > 0:16:47We do have a sale on today, so you just fill your...
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- ..bottom.- Boots! Fill your boots!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52I'm looking for a nice lamp for my wife.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54It's our anniversary. Our tenth.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Oh, congratulations, my friend!
0:16:57 > 0:17:01To be with one person for so long must be absolutely...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03- ..murder.- Magic! Must be magic!
0:17:03 > 0:17:07So go and have a rummage and give us a shout if anything tickles your...
0:17:07 > 0:17:08- ..fanny.- Fancy, for God's sake!
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Oh, we just love working in the shop.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15I've loved antiques all my life.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I like nothing better than taking out some old thing and giving it a...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- ..pull.- Polish! Giving it a polish!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25Even that sounds bad now, given the context you've created.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31This is lovely. How much is it?
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I'll just check the book.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35I'm sure the price will be...
0:17:35 > 0:17:37..a farce.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Affordable! Affordable.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Yes, £15.
0:17:42 > 0:17:43I'll take it.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Thank you. And do give your wife our warmest...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51- ..willies.- Wishes! Warmest wishes!
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Warmest wishes!
0:17:53 > 0:17:57(You are going to get us arrested again!)
0:18:03 > 0:18:06All right, man? Two doner kebabs, please.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You wanting anything, old yin?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Suit yourself.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Here, where's your sword?- I sold it.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18To who?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22To them, mate. Free kebabs for a year, man.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Tell you what, mate, there's nothing better than a wee lock-in.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39Aye. But have you no heard about the ghost?
0:18:39 > 0:18:40The ghost?
0:18:40 > 0:18:42In here.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45The Legend of the Wee Baldy Man.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Naw.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Well, they say that in this building there lived a wee baldy man.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And one day he was found hanging frae the rafters.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58Deid?
0:18:58 > 0:18:59Deid.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And they say that wee baldy man haunts this place to this day.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05That's creepy.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- HE SCREAMS - Look! It's the Wee Baldy Man!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Where?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Stop trying to wind me up, you.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17D'you think I'm...?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Oh! Argh!
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Oh, my God, I saw it!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29That was unbelievable. That was real!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34THEY SCREAM
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Argh! Argh!
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Oh, I hit it! I hit it right in its wee baldy heid!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46We need to get oot o' here!
0:19:48 > 0:19:50THEY SCREAM
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I love a wee lock-in, man. D'you love a wee lock-in, Dolan?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Aye. Have you heard about the ghost?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10The ghost?
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Two boys like us encountered it ten years ago.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15They were never seen again.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Seriously?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Aye. Have you never heard of the Legend of the Wee Ghosty Boob?
0:20:21 > 0:20:22The what?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27THEY SCREAM
0:20:41 > 0:20:46Hello! Have a howler, it's yer granny's growler,
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Sir Herry Maclowderie!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51APPLAUSE
0:20:51 > 0:20:57# Aw land away and aw alang the gley
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# And aw alang the brae afore the wainers
0:21:01 > 0:21:06# And awa', awa' The ghostie dreecht awa'
0:21:06 > 0:21:11# And Kanye West designed a pair o' trainers. #
0:21:14 > 0:21:18Erm, I'm delighted to announce
0:21:18 > 0:21:22that we've signed five thousand Atletico Madrid fans.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24We've got Carlos and Isabella with us today.
0:21:29 > 0:21:32MILD APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:34We love the Bornistown.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Go, go, Burnistowns!
0:21:38 > 0:21:43Can I just ask why you've signed a load of football fans?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Erm, I think Carlos can probably answer that one.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Any other questions?
0:22:00 > 0:22:03ALL: Me, me, me! Here, here!
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Who's the ugly bastards now, eh?
0:22:15 > 0:22:18There are stovies with more sausages than totties,
0:22:18 > 0:22:23and there are stovies with more sausages than totties.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25And then there's me.
0:22:31 > 0:22:36Roddy was a fun-loving man who lived life to the fullest.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37He loved nothing more
0:22:37 > 0:22:40than fending off friendly jibes about his mullet, and...
0:22:40 > 0:22:42MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:22:43 > 0:22:47'Hullo? Listen Davey, I cannae really talk the now, mate,
0:22:47 > 0:22:49'I'm at a funeral.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51'Aye. Guess whose?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53'No. No.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55'No, mine.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57'Aye, MY funeral. Oh, I died the other week, mate.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59'How? It's a bit of a beamer, mate.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03'Took a heart attack having a chug. Aye, aye.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06'Scants doon tae the ankles, lying on the bed with the hankies,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08'baby oil scooshed ower ma gentleman's agreements.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11'Picture of my sister-in-law wi' her diddies oot
0:23:11 > 0:23:13'on the beach in Ibiza. Got a belter, man.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16'Anyway, cannae play fitba this weekend,
0:23:16 > 0:23:19'not unless you want to lie me down in goal with a couple of sandbags.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22'Nae bother, mate. See you in the afterlife. Cheerio.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24'That's me done, carry on.'
0:23:46 > 0:23:48You know, see if I can sue for this,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- I am going to sue.- Aye, aye.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54They did this to me in London before they let me get on the plane.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55Do you people no' communicate?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58D'you think I went onto the aeroplane toilet
0:23:58 > 0:24:00and shoved a big tube of overpriced Pringles up my arse?
0:24:00 > 0:24:03See the guy in London that searched you, what did you think of him?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06His hauns were too bloody big for this job.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Did you think he was good looking?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Did I think he was...? Why am I gettin' asked that question?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14He's my boyfriend. I wondered what you thought of him.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18He said he was looking for Class A drugs. He was a Class A bawbag.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20It was him that phoned up and told me to search ye.
0:24:20 > 0:24:25He already searched me in London! There's nothing there to find.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Oh, really? What's this then?
0:24:29 > 0:24:31- SHE GASPS - An engagement ring!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Oh, he's so romantic, is that not the sweetest thing you've ever seen?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42That's your Davey McGrogan deid, man.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Aye, man. Poor guy.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Way it dragged oot in the end.
0:24:50 > 0:24:56- Aye man. See when I go, mate, I want it to be nice and quick.- Aye.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Nane of this "Oh, I've got some bad news,
0:24:59 > 0:25:01"you've got a year to live" patter.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Naw, man - nice and quick.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05A nice, quick "You've got six months to live."
0:25:07 > 0:25:09You've got six months to live? That'd be horrible.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Naw, man. Nice and quick. You don't want it to get boring.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That's no' nice and quick.
0:25:14 > 0:25:15Nice and quick is bang, you're deid.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17That's what I want.
0:25:17 > 0:25:22What, bang, you're deid? Instant death, mate? That's too quick.
0:25:22 > 0:25:23Aye. That's what I want.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25That's like saying, us two staunin' here the noo
0:25:25 > 0:25:27and bang, we get took oot by a sniper.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Aye, nice and fast.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Are you saying you'd rather get taken oot by a sniper
0:25:32 > 0:25:33than get a horrible disease?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Aye.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37That's mental, mate.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Horrible diseases are normal,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41but bang, sniper, deid, that's terrifying.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Doesn't need to be a sniper, mate. I could get hit by a bus. Bang!
0:25:46 > 0:25:48- You're scaring me now, mate.- How?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51We're all going to die, right? Fact.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You want to get taken out by a bus?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56You could arrange that in two minutes when the 37 goes by.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'm no' saying I want to arrange it myself.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01You'd want it to be a nice wee surprise.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Mate, if you die instantly it's no' a surprise, is it?
0:26:03 > 0:26:09All right. I'll live long enough to go, "Oh, what a surprise." Deid.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12"Oh, I didnae expect that bus to be there, what a surprise."
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Deid.- Mate, do you want to wrap it with that bus patter?
0:26:15 > 0:26:18Stepping in front of a bus is entirely under your control.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20That's like saying you want to die by your ain haun.
0:26:20 > 0:26:24All right, go back to the sniper then. Bang, you're deid!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25You've nae idea. You wouldnae want that?
0:26:25 > 0:26:29No, mate, no. I mean, I don't know, mate.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Maybe if the sniper had had a couple of halfs, right,
0:26:31 > 0:26:33and he goes up the roof, he's half cut
0:26:33 > 0:26:38and he goes, "Bang!" And he missed your heid, got us in the neck, man.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Deid about three hours later.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42You'd bleed to death over a few hours?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44That's the worst suggestion yet.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Bang, you're deid.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- No mate, no' bang you're deid. - Aye, bang you're deid.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51No, Peter, no' bang you're deid.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52Bang, you're...oh!
0:26:58 > 0:27:03It's all right, Peter, it was just a wee mad pigeon, man.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Seeing that pigeon's made me realise how much I want to live.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Too right, man. Too right.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Want tae go down the pub and get a pint? Might be the last.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd