0:00:02 > 0:00:03This programme contains strong language
0:00:03 > 0:00:0724 bottles tropical shower gel. Lovely. That'll keep me going.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10MESSAGE ALERT DINGS Oh, Groupon alert!
0:00:11 > 0:00:13Me daily deals are in.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Four pairs ladies' trainers with LED lights.
0:00:19 > 0:00:20Who's buying this shit?
0:00:21 > 0:00:25200 butterscotch Pop-Tarts. Absolute filth.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Ten sessions, full-body spray tan.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33What do I want with a full-body spray tan?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Click now to get all these offers at 75% off.
0:00:39 > 0:00:4275% off? Now you're talking.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Proceed to checkout. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Hello, Nan.- Here he is. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01You come up and see me?
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- You come up and see me, ain't ya? - Yep.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05- You been at the zoo? - Been at the zoo.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- And why you been at the zoo? - Cos I got a job, Nan.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Cos he's got a job helping the elephants have babies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Oh, you are a good boy.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20God help us, love. As happy as I am you've found gainful employment,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23there's no excuse for going around smelling like a bucket of shit.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27What's happened to your foot?
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Oh, had a run in with a traffic warden, didn't I?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Well, you know what they're like.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34I do, Nan, but you don't have a car.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Yeah. Not traffic warden.
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Veteran.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41I don't like where this is going.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Oh, it was dreadful, love, the intimidation.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Glaring at me, he was, waving his box around in me face.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Was he collecting?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Not off me, he weren't.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55I saw right through him.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57And his smug white stick.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Nan, this man collecting, was he blind?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06Blind and smug.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09So, how did you hurt your foot?
0:02:09 > 0:02:14Oh, I haven't hurt it, love. They've done me for ABH.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Can't leave the house. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Guess who?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Oh, not him again.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Is it the irritating old bastard
0:02:32 > 0:02:34who's just moved in downstairs?
0:02:36 > 0:02:37It's Bernie!
0:02:37 > 0:02:40That's the one.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Piss off!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Your Groupons have arrived!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Oh, oh, come in, love, it's open!
0:02:49 > 0:02:51- Ha-ha-ha.- All right, Bernie?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh, let me help you with that.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55No, no, no, no, Jamie, no, please don't, no.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56I like a bit of a workout.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Right, now then, whereabouts do you want this?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, it's bigger than I thought, love.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03I'll tell you what, why don't you just put it in the kitchen...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05GLASS SMASHES
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Oh, my God.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Bernie, you've got to be careful!
0:03:12 > 0:03:16No, it's all right, there's nothing breakable in there.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I'm fine. I'm fine, it's just superficial.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Right, now then, is there anything else
0:03:21 > 0:03:23I can do for you on this sunny afternoon?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Well, you could go.
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Right you are. I'm on my way.
0:03:29 > 0:03:30Nan, what's in the box?
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Er, it's 15 fire extinguishers for 40 quid, love, I mean...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39..you can't say fairer than that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Nan, you've got to stop buying this stuff.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43What do you want 15 fire extinguishers for?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46If it's to dampen the flame in my heart, 15 won't do it.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Nan! What did you do that for? He was being nice.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Oh, I can't be doing with him love.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58He's a registered sex offender.
0:04:00 > 0:04:01Nan, have you just made that up?
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I have, yeah.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I'm worried about you, Nan. You keep getting into trouble.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Oh, don't be silly.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12They tag anyone these days, don't they?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15No, Nan, they're usually given to people who require
0:04:15 > 0:04:16a severe level of monitoring.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19How's the elephants? Any luck with the mating?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Why you changing the subject?
0:04:21 > 0:04:23Has Dumbo had a go on Nelly yet?
0:04:25 > 0:04:26It's not that easy, Nan.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28She's not ovulating as normal,
0:04:28 > 0:04:30so she's not giving off the right scent.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Well, you be careful, stinking like that, he might try and mount you.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36Nan!
0:04:36 > 0:04:37So what they going to do with you?
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Me? Nothing.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44- Oh, 'ere this one fella, oh, he did make me laugh.- Who?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46One of the arresting officers. Ha-ha-ha.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49He said to me... What was it he said?
0:04:49 > 0:04:52He says, "You're going to prison
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"if you don't complete an anger management course
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"to address your underlying issues of self control."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03They don't mean it, do they?
0:05:05 > 0:05:07They do mean it, Nan. You've got to do the course.
0:05:07 > 0:05:08Nah, they won't find me, love.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I gave them a moody address.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Criminal mind, see.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Nan, you're wearing a tag.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20- Guess who!- Oh, Christ.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I think I left my keys in there!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26Listen, I haven't got an anger problem, darling.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28I'm a perfectly reasonable person,
0:05:28 > 0:05:33going about my perfectly reasonable business
0:05:33 > 0:05:35in a perfectly reasonable manner.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Knock, knock, knock.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Ha-ha-ha.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47What?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52This looks like it. You sure you'll be all right, Nan?
0:05:52 > 0:05:53'Course I'll be all right.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55I mean, all I've got to do is sit cross-legged
0:05:55 > 0:05:56in a room full of nutters
0:05:56 > 0:05:58banging on about their unhappy childhoods.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oooh, I'm raving!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Well, that's why you're here, Nan. I'll pick you up later.- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Oh, ain't it good, hey?
0:06:09 > 0:06:10There we go.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Sorry we're late.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- I'm Jonathan.- I'm Samantha.
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Hello, love.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22NAN SNIFFS
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- Do we just talk? - If you like.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Well, I suppose you're automatically going to take his side.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31How's that darling?
0:06:31 > 0:06:34All right. I had an affair. I'm a monster. Happy?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Can I just say, I have forgiven her.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I'm the one who wants to move forward.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- No, you just want to keep punishing me.- I don't.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42I honestly don't, I just don't understand why you act like this.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44MESSAGE ALERT DINGS Oh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Excuse me. What are you doing?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Getting 50% off hang gliding weekend, what's it to you?
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Is that appropriate?
0:06:58 > 0:07:02Listen, you two want to get up on ya daily deals.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03Cheer you right up.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Daily deals?
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Ah, it's a game changer, sweetheart.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Every day it pings, all manner of gear, everything going for a song,
0:07:13 > 0:07:18one click of a button, two days later, load of old tut arrives.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Oh, it's marvellous.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Er, what's going on here?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Well, from what I can make out, the uppity one's been off the side,
0:07:27 > 0:07:31with someone at work, I reckon, this one looks suspect
0:07:31 > 0:07:33but it's only the eyebrows.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38And I haven't laid a hand on anyone, so can I go now?
0:07:39 > 0:07:40What are you doing in my chair?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42We're doing that anger management, ain't we?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45That's down the hallway. This is couples counselling.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Oh, I did think it was a strange dynamic.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51Well, er, can you leave then?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Yes, all right, love, keep your tie-dyed smock on.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00'Ere, eyebrows why don't you have an affair then you're even!
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Excuse me! This is a private session.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07You've no right to be here and you're way out of line.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- Yeah, well, at least my stereo ain't broke.- What?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Oh, have a look at this mob.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25You all right, Speccy?
0:08:27 > 0:08:29What you angry about, Speccy?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32You angry with people calling you Speccy?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Are you talking to me?
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Yes, love! Over here!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Poor fella can't see me.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42SHOUTS: I'm calling you. Speccy!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Oh, here he is! Porky!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- How you been, son? - Oh, God, I remember you.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Yeah, well they do say, don't they, an elephant never forgets.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03What you mad about, Porky? Weight Watchers not working out?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I'm very happy with my weight.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08So you should be, darling, it's impressive.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Ain't it, Speccy?
0:09:10 > 0:09:11It's impressive!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Ahh, follow the sound of me voice.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I can see.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18All right, Shorty?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What you mad about, Shorty?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Look at him he's raving.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Don't wind me up, old woman.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Oi-oi-oi, I'll have you across my knee if I have any more of that.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Speccy, Porky, Shorty, you're all through to boot camp.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh. 'Ere we go.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43All right, all right, no sudden movements, cos, er...
0:09:45 > 0:09:49..cos if this one's got anger problem, we're all in trouble.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Hello, darling, you all right?
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Having a good day?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57I think we'll all just stay calm, won't we?
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Don't mind me, I'm just the caretaker.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Someone from the last group kicked the wall down again.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Thank God for that.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09That was close, weren't it, Porky?
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Cor, blimey, it's like the fucking circus is in town.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Good morning, everyone!
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Good morning and welcome to anger management.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Well, it looks like you're off the hook, son.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- My name is Graham Fanee. - Who is it?
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Er, Mr Fanee. F-A-N-E-E.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Spell it again.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53F-A-N, accented E, E. Now...
0:10:53 > 0:10:54Fanny?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Mr Fanny?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Well, it's Fanee but I am aware there is potential
0:11:07 > 0:11:10for wilful mispronunciation,
0:11:10 > 0:11:12which you'll all find hilarious
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and I will have heard a million times before.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's Mr Fanny.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22You hearing that, Staples? It's Mr Fanny.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Right. Shall I begin?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30OK, what qualifies me to guide you
0:11:30 > 0:11:32through your anger management course?
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Listen, son.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35You're a midget called Mr Fanny...
0:11:36 > 0:11:40..you've earned your stripes as far as I'm concerned.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Excuse me, we don't say midget.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45My mistake.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46'Migee'.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58I was once like all of you. I would lose control often.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01And then one day, I did something I regret.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03But using the techniques I will teach you,
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I have not lost my temper since.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Yeah, what d'ya do? - That's not important.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- What, did you kill a man? - No, it's not important.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- What, did you kill two men? - It doesn't matter what I did...
0:12:12 > 0:12:14No, don't tell me cos I'll get it. I'm good at this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's not a game, it's not for you to guess.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19- Did you kill a clown? - Why would I kill a clown?
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Did you stab your MP?- No.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Well, I don't know. What d'ya do? Did you kill an animal?
0:12:24 > 0:12:28- Oh, look, can we just leave this? - Ooh, guilty as charged.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31You an animal killer? He's an animal killer.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33What d'ya do, kill a kangaroo?
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Wolf?- Was it a chicken?
0:12:35 > 0:12:36It's not a menu, son.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- A hippo? - Where's he going to meet a hippo?
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Well, you said a kangaroo!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Where's he going to meet a hippo or a kangaroo?!
0:12:45 > 0:12:46Well, I don't know, do I?
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Listen, hippos and kangaroos are eliminated. Was it a shark?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51A shark is not an animal!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52'Course, it is!
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Was a parrot, all right!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I killed a parrot.
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Let that be an end to it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03I'm not proud of it. It was very sad.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Look, I don't usually go into the details,
0:13:05 > 0:13:09but in the spirit of full disclosure,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I had an altercation with my neighbours over a noise issue.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16And, I dealt with it inappropriately.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22Things spiralled and it resulted in the death of my beloved pet.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Which is something I have to live with.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30All right, love. Well, I mean, that is a lot to deal with, innit?
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Erm, look do you want to take a minute? Get yourself together.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I mean, listen, who are we to judge?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39We've all done things we regret, ain't we?
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- OK. Yes, thank you. I won't be a moment.- Go on, son.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45You sort yourself out. Ah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Ah.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54What a fucking liberty!
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Eh?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00He's killed a parrot the man!
0:14:00 > 0:14:03He's got the audacity to come in here and tell us
0:14:03 > 0:14:07how to control our impulses and he's killed a fucking parrot!
0:14:07 > 0:14:11With his bare hands! A fucking parrot!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13The man's a lunatic!
0:14:14 > 0:14:15'Ello, darling!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19You feeling better?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Come in, darling.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37How did you know it was me?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39I could smell you coming up the stairs.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Groupon?- Yeah.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47Stylish, practical, and at a price you just can't ignore.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51How's the elephants? Any luck?
0:14:51 > 0:14:52Not really.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We think it's to do with the size of their pen.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57We're going to try and raise money to get them a more spacious
0:14:57 > 0:15:00and comfortable paddock for elephantine foreplay,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04so that Barbara's uterine muscles can be relaxed,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07ready for insertion because Maximus' phallus isn't engorging...
0:15:07 > 0:15:11All right, pack it in. Put me right off me Pop-Tart.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- How was anger management today? - Oh, yeah, it was lovely.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18They said I'm cured, ain't got to bother going tomorrow.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Nan, are you taking this seriously?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25If you don't pass this course, you'll get a custodial sentence.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Oh, I ain't going to prison, darling.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32Too old to be experimenting with me sexuality at my time of life.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Nan, not all women prisoners are gay.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Oh, wake up and smell the lesbians.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42I've seen it, darling.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Orange might be the new black, but they still want to have a go
0:15:45 > 0:15:47up your clacker when the lights are out.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52What's this?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Oh, it's me homework, innit?
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Supposed to start making amends to people we've wronged.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01What a load of old shit.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I mean, who have I ever wronged? KNOCK AT DOOR
0:16:06 > 0:16:07Guess who!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Oh, I shall end up killing this bastard, I know that much.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12Nan, be nice.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16It's Bernie! I'm just seeing if you needed anything.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18I need you to fuck off out of it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23Nan, you are out of control. Open that door and apologise.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Oh, shut your mouth you, you elephant ponce.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- I'll take away your iPad. - All right, hold on.
0:16:33 > 0:16:34Hello, Bernie.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Just popped up on my way back from Zumba.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- I'm rather pumped up actually.- Nope. - I could take you with me...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Well, I tried, didn't I?
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Nan.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oh, God, help us.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Come in, then.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49- All right, Bernie?- Hello, son.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51You been doing Zumba? It's great, innit?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Cor, yeah, taken years off me. I love it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54How's your flamenco arms?
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Ah, not too good, mate, I've got to work on me cha-cha-cha.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00All right, guardian soul mates.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Why don't you bunk up together and do a Zumba-thon?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05All right, Nan.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09Get sponsored by other nancy misfits in Lycra.
0:17:09 > 0:17:10OK, that's enough.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Yeah, get a whole gang of you together, Zumba-ing all over town
0:17:13 > 0:17:16raising money for your elephant knocking shop!
0:17:18 > 0:17:20That's not a bad idea, actually.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Yeah, I'm up for that. - Does nobody understand sarcasm?
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Bernie, Nan wanted to tell you something.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Did I?
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Not really.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32It's for your own good, Nan.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37All right. Bernie.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40I just want to say... SHE MUMBLES
0:17:41 > 0:17:42What did you say?
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Say I'm s... SHE MUMBLES
0:17:45 > 0:17:46Come again?
0:17:46 > 0:17:49I said, "I'm sorry," you deaf old fucker!
0:17:55 > 0:17:56Well, I said it, didn't I?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Whatever for?
0:17:58 > 0:18:02For spraying you with a very reasonably priced fire extinguisher.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I forgive you.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Ta-ta!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08She really is a live wire, that one.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Well, Nan, that was progress of sorts.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Yeah, I told you, darling. I ain't got an anger problem.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15KNOCK AT DOOR
0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's me again! I think I left my phone in there.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Piss off!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28You know this actually burns my skin, don't ya?
0:18:32 > 0:18:36I wanted to see you alone because I do not want a repeat of yesterday.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39No, I mean, I didn't like to say but you did go on a bit.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42You. You were being very disruptive.
0:18:42 > 0:18:43How's that?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45- Interrupting peo... - Just trying to help.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Interrupting...- Just being helpful.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Thank you.- Go on.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53I know what you're doing. I see it all the time.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56You're rebelling because I'm the authority.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58This isn't my first rodeo.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Is it your second rodeo?
0:19:02 > 0:19:04No, I've been to a lot of rodeos.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07That can't be very good for your knackers.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10No, this, I'm saying I've done this a lot of times.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13How did you fit it in with all them rodeos?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18Mrs Taylor, right now I'm what's standing between you and prison.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So, you've got one more opportunity.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It's time you took the bull by the horns.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27I'll be honest with you, son, I've never been to a rodeo
0:19:27 > 0:19:29so I'm finding all this very confusing.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Forget the rodeo!
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Right, let's get back to the group.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Oh, and behave yourself.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, look out. Here he is.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- How are you, darling? - Hello again.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Yeah, your wife behaving herself yet?
0:19:45 > 0:19:46She's running late.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Oh, running late?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51At the office?
0:19:51 > 0:19:52With her boss?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Who she's schtupping?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57- Yeah, probably.- Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02'Ere, 'ere, how's all this lark working out for you?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Well, I've still not had an affair if that's what you're asking.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08What's the matter? The eyebrows put the girls off, do they?
0:20:08 > 0:20:09No, I don't want to have an affair.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Good cos I don't think you'd get any takers with them eyebrows.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15I want to make things better with my wife.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Has she never noticed the eyebrows?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19I suppose that's why she strayed.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21I don't think it was cos of the eyebrows.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Those two monsters looming towards you.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27'Ere, listen, let me tell you a story, darling.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30When my old man caught me knocking about with Tommy Jackson,
0:20:30 > 0:20:33he made my life a misery for a whole year.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35And I respected him for that.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39And we went on to have a very happy marriage until the day he died.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41'Course he dropped dead of a heart attack
0:20:41 > 0:20:43when he caught me in bed with his brother.
0:20:45 > 0:20:46But the point still stands.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48What point?
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Do something with these things or your wife will leave ya.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54For God's sakes, why are you here again?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Oh. Well, if you were ever on time, love, you wouldn't have this problem.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- You are a menace!- Am I?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Well, at least I'm not the one with the smashed mugs.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Don't you dare. My children made them.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12- Er, what did I just say!- Aah.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Come on.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Oops.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29OK, so now your bodies and minds have found total calm,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32we can start our visualisations.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Picture yourselves on a beach.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What beach is it, love?
0:21:36 > 0:21:37It's whatever beach you like.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Well, it can't be Brighton Beach.
0:21:40 > 0:21:41It doesn't have to be Brighton Beach.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Good cos I'm banned.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46It's not Brighton Beach.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48They should've said that pier was flammable.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51It doesn't matter where the beach is,
0:21:51 > 0:21:54just imagine yourselves on a beach.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56'Ere, where's your beach, Freaky?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59I don't know, abroad somewhere.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Who's letting you on a plane?
0:22:01 > 0:22:06You ain't getting through security looking like Scrapheap Challenge.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Er, let's just try and stay calm, shall we?
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Please! I am trying to relax.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Well, spare a thought for Porky here.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17He can't relax poor sod.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Greenpeace keep throwing buckets of water over him.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- I'm getting soaked. - Please, shush.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Just ignore her. Can't you see what she's doing?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- God knows what you can see, Speccy. - Shut up!
0:22:31 > 0:22:34All right, let's just try and stay in the moment, shall we?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Remember, this is relaxing.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Now, er, imagine you're going for a walk along the sand.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42Where we going now?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45I've just laid out five euros for a sun lounger.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Nowhere, it doesn't matter,
0:22:49 > 0:22:50you're just going for a general walk.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Well, where am I going to put me valuables?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54I can't take this any more!
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Are you just going to let her keep talking?!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Well, don't engage with her.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59All right, son, all right!
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Oh, he's doing his nut cos they won't let him on the rollercoaster.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Right! That's it. I'll take prison. I'm out.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11No, Ian, please don't give up, you're making real progress.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14No, Shorty do get cranky when he ain't had his afternoon nap.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19And 5'2" is just below average height!
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Aargh!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24Oh, Ian. I don't think you're short.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Ian.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31For goodness' sake! I just fixed this!
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Mrs Taylor, you are out. Done. You have failed.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37You're not my problem any more. The state can deal with you.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Well, can I at least get me handbag from the beach hut?
0:23:40 > 0:23:41- Ha-ha-ha-ha.- Out!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45All right, love. God help us, all right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I mean, where's your sense of humour?
0:23:49 > 0:23:51I mean, we're only having a laugh, ain't we?
0:23:51 > 0:23:54No. No, this is serious. No more chances.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56You are out.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Well, you're not really telling me
0:23:58 > 0:24:00if I don't complete the course, I'm going to prison.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03That is exactly what I'm telling you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Oh.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Can you get off me, please?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:15 > 0:24:18KNOCK AT DOOR
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- I know you're in there. - I can see the light's on.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You haven't turned your trainers off!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39You'll never take me alive, copper!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Nan, it's Jamie.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I know what happened today, just open the door.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Oh, why didn't you stop me, son?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I mean, I don't know what I'm doing.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I'm out of control.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Someone needs to put me in order.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55No, Nan.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58No, Nan, this is your fault.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00And you have to face the consequences.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'm frightened out of me mind.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05I mean, you can't let them bang me up, son.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06I mean, look at me.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Those inmates will have a field day on a prime bit of cougar like me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13OK. Enough.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Do you know how lucky you are to have me, Nan?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Oh, it's all about you, is it?
0:25:17 > 0:25:20Cor, blimey, I'm the one looking prison in the face.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I went to see Mr F...your therapist.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26And he didn't want to hear it.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I mean, he really don't like you.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30But, in the end, we managed to find some common ground.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Luckily, he's an animal lover.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35Well, not according to his parrot he ain't.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37He said he'd talk to you.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40I can't promise he'll take you back but he'll let you plead your case.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42It's up to you now, Nan.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43Oh, what a relief!
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Oh, you are a good boy.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48I thought I was going to have to create hostage situation.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Don't be silly, Nan.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Go on, off you go, Bernie.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Ah, Mrs Taylor, take a seat.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Thank you, sir.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09I only agreed to this because of your grandson.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11I have a soft spot for anyone who works with animals
0:26:11 > 0:26:13and I admire the work he's doing.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Oh, yeah, he's a good boy, he's...he's going
0:26:16 > 0:26:18to do a Zumba-thon for the elephants.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Yeah, it was even my idea, actually, you know,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24raising money to engorge Dumbo's wotsit
0:26:24 > 0:26:26and shove it up Nelly's doodah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I've been leading this course for a long time now,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37and you are, hands down, the worst person I've ever met.
0:26:37 > 0:26:38Thank you very much.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42You're irritating, disruptive, selfish,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- and you never let anyone finish a s...- I know.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47But you know what, Mrs Taylor?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50If I can get through to you, the worst person I have ever met,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53then I know that what I'm doing here works
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and that Charlotte didn't die in vain.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Who is it?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Charlotte was my parrot.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Oh.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05What happened?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06It's a long story.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Oh, come on, son.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10You keep telling us not to bottle it up.
0:27:10 > 0:27:11I do.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14Yeah, see, I've been listening.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18My neighbours used to hold very noisy parties.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20One night, I banged on the wall and shouted,
0:27:20 > 0:27:24"If you don't stop playing music all night long, I'll call the police!"
0:27:24 > 0:27:27They then proceeded to play All Night Long on repeat,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29all night long.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34- Lionel Richie?- Yes.- It is a classic.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38The next night, I was trying to sleep. I was exhausted.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40And I could hear them playing that, that song on a loop.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43But only the bit that everyone joins in on -
0:27:43 > 0:27:46"Tom bo li de say de moi ya."
0:27:46 > 0:27:47'Ey, jambo jumbo.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Please!
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Well, it is the best bit.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I was furious. It was dark. I was sleep deprived.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58I picked up my alarm clock
0:27:58 > 0:28:01and I threw it at the wall as hard as I could.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And the music instantly stopped.
0:28:04 > 0:28:05I turned on the light.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09It wasn't my neighbour playing that song...
0:28:09 > 0:28:10..it was my parrot.
0:28:13 > 0:28:14She had learned the words.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19The thing is, I'd been trying to teach her to speak for years.
0:28:20 > 0:28:25And as she died in my arms, her last words were,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27"Ey, jambo jumbo."
0:28:36 > 0:28:39I mean, that is unlucky, innit?
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Come on, Mrs Taylor. Let's give this one more go.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Oh, not you again.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53'Ere, 'ere listen, darling.
0:28:53 > 0:28:57I've been thinking and, erm, I know what your problem is.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00SARCASTICALLY: Oh, good. Maybe keep that to yourself then.
0:29:00 > 0:29:02You're eaten up with guilt
0:29:02 > 0:29:05and you think you don't deserve the love of a good man.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07But let me tell you something, sweetheart,
0:29:07 > 0:29:10marriage is sacred and relationships are hard.
0:29:10 > 0:29:15You need to forgive yourself, let him forgive you and move on.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Thank you.
0:29:21 > 0:29:22And if that don't work,
0:29:22 > 0:29:25dress up like a tart twice a week and nosh him off.
0:29:31 > 0:29:32OK.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34So today, we're going to discuss our triggers
0:29:34 > 0:29:37and then look at alternative ways to cope with them,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40but we need to be open about our problems so they don't fester
0:29:40 > 0:29:42and become the elephant in the room.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43He has a name.
0:29:45 > 0:29:48I mean, I don't know what it is but he has a name!
0:29:49 > 0:29:50My name's Steve!
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Exactly. What's your trigger then, Porky?
0:29:53 > 0:29:55I'm prone to road rage.
0:29:55 > 0:29:57What, when all the Little Chefs are shut?
0:29:57 > 0:29:58Thank you, Mrs Taylor.
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Shut up, you old cow.
0:30:01 > 0:30:03Ooh, Rusty's piping up.
0:30:03 > 0:30:05Yeah, all right you two.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Who rattled your cage?
0:30:07 > 0:30:09And by cage, I mean face.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Mrs Taylor, please.
0:30:12 > 0:30:14Well, I think we know what her trigger is -
0:30:14 > 0:30:17the elderly and magnets.
0:30:17 > 0:30:18Mrs Taylor!
0:30:18 > 0:30:20BANGING ON WALL
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Can we keep the noise down, please?
0:30:22 > 0:30:24You want the wall fixed or not?
0:30:24 > 0:30:27Why do you let her talk to me like this?
0:30:27 > 0:30:29What's the matter, Pinhead? MORE BANGING
0:30:29 > 0:30:31That's not my name.
0:30:31 > 0:30:32No, what is it?
0:30:32 > 0:30:34Pinead O'Connor?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36- DRILLING - What now?
0:30:36 > 0:30:40- Pinbad the sailor? - Mrs Taylor, please!
0:30:40 > 0:30:42Why does my husband have no eyebrows?
0:30:42 > 0:30:43He looks insane.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47She said you'd leave me. I think I look distinguished.
0:30:47 > 0:30:50Excuse me, we are in the middle of a session here!
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Nosh him off?! Nosh him off?!
0:30:52 > 0:30:54That's the advice you're giving my clients?!
0:30:54 > 0:30:58Well, I don't think it's a terrible idea.
0:30:58 > 0:30:59Get out, come on, all of you! Get out!
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Is it Osama Pin Laden?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04ALL NIGHT LONG BY LIONEL RICHIE PLAYS IN DISTANCE
0:31:04 > 0:31:07It's Charlotte, my name is Charlotte!
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Oh, listen, word of advice, love,
0:31:09 > 0:31:11I'd keep that under your hat, if I were you.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14- What?- I said Charlotte!
0:31:14 > 0:31:18- Charlotte?- Yes, Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte!
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Shut up! Shut up, shut up, all of you!
0:31:20 > 0:31:23Oh, and turn that fucking music off!
0:31:26 > 0:31:27That's his trigger, by the way.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29Argh!
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- # All night long - All night... #
0:31:33 > 0:31:37What's this? Oh, oh, it's the Zumba-thon!
0:31:37 > 0:31:38Oh, is it now?
0:31:38 > 0:31:42There he is Pingu, Nellie, Dumbo, Polly.
0:31:42 > 0:31:44A parrot?! A parrot?!
0:31:44 > 0:31:48You did this, didn't you? You dreadful old witch!
0:31:48 > 0:31:49Oh, I honestly didn't, darling!
0:31:49 > 0:31:52But I mean, it's come together like a dream, innit?
0:31:52 > 0:31:55I hate her! I hate her!
0:31:55 > 0:31:56Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:31:57 > 0:31:59What a fucking liberty!
0:32:02 > 0:32:05- Are you ready to Zumba? - Lead on, Bernie!
0:32:05 > 0:32:07ALL NIGHT LONG CONTINUES PLAYING
0:32:07 > 0:32:11I'll kill her! I'll kill her like I killed that bastard parrot!
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Oh, my God.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19How was it this morning then, Nan?
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Oh, yeah, it was good, love.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23I mean, I don't know if you're supposed
0:32:23 > 0:32:25to have all ten sessions in one go,
0:32:25 > 0:32:27but I think I can get away with it.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32- Have a Pop-Tart?- Oh.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35- Ah, it's all worked out lovely, innit?- Yeah.
0:32:35 > 0:32:37With the money we raised from the Zumba-thon,
0:32:37 > 0:32:40we can make a really romantic paddock for the elephants.
0:32:40 > 0:32:41Ah, ain't that good news.
0:32:41 > 0:32:44And because of Mr Fanee's meltdown, your case has been thrown out,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46and he's been struck off.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48Everyone's a winner. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
0:32:48 > 0:32:53And, Nan, as much as you don't want to admit it, you do seem calmer.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Oh, I must admit, darling, you're right.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00I mean, that course was smashing.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05- Guess who! - Is it Bernie? Ha-ha-ha.
0:33:07 > 0:33:08Hello, sweetheart.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Joannie, I've been thinking, since it's such a beautiful day,
0:33:11 > 0:33:13would you do me the honour
0:33:13 > 0:33:15of joining me for a brisk walk around the park?
0:33:15 > 0:33:18A brisk walk around the park?
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Shove it up your arse!
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Oh, hold on.
0:33:26 > 0:33:27Oh.
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Fucking cheap shit!