:02:47. > :02:51.This programme contains some strong I'm Brooker and this is Weekly Wipe
:02:51. > :02:55.a programme about things that are happening, things like this: The
:02:55. > :02:59.Tory party has been split over gay marriage. Conservative elders say
:02:59. > :03:03.it flies in the face of traditional position that marriage should be
:03:03. > :03:07.between a philanderer and a door mat. Incredible facial
:03:07. > :03:12.reconstruction technique reveals Richard III reveals Lawrence
:03:12. > :03:17.Llewwllyn Bowen. In distressing scenes the news captured a knife
:03:17. > :03:21.wielding man outside Buckingham Palace. The only man more shocked
:03:21. > :03:27.wi Ian Hislop. He fell on the ground and within a couple of
:03:27. > :03:37.seconds he was take an way in the police van. And Maria Eagle wins
:03:37. > :03:38.
:03:38. > :03:43.Splash. -- Eddie "The Eagle" Eagle's victory proved once and
:03:43. > :03:46.more all even our fittest celebrities are no match for our
:03:46. > :03:50.shitest Olympian. That's precisely the kind of thing going on. We
:03:51. > :03:55.start here. For many years numbers were our friends ah, peering on the
:03:55. > :04:01.shirts of national heroes and starring in hypnotic animation
:04:01. > :04:05.aimed at babies. But it turns out this was a front
:04:05. > :04:09.and now we know the ugly truth - numbers may look jolly, but in
:04:09. > :04:15.reality they're bastards. Recently the Office for National Statistics
:04:15. > :04:20.proved they are by releasing a set of grim economic numbers. Gross
:04:20. > :04:29.Domestic Product fell by 0.3% in the fourth quarter of 2012. So grim
:04:29. > :04:35.they effectively silenced every journalist in the room. Any more
:04:35. > :04:38.questions? There must be some. Numbers have now knackered the
:04:38. > :04:43.country so comprehensively the only businesses doing a roaring trade
:04:43. > :04:49.are shutter manufacturers, window boards salesmen and save graft
:04:49. > :04:57.designers. That industry is booming they are bassic graphs, no, sir
:04:57. > :05:03.tallic graphs and ones with a head on them to find light guns at.
:05:03. > :05:06.Everything costs more these day -- days. Petrol is so expensive you'd
:05:06. > :05:11.think it was a precious resource. They go up quick enough but they
:05:11. > :05:16.never come down. If they do, yeah a month later. Never, ever, or a
:05:16. > :05:20.month later. They're not consistent in never coming back down that's
:05:20. > :05:25.what devious shits these prices are. Numbers don't convey the human
:05:25. > :05:30.costs which is why reporters are keen to hear tale of misery. News
:05:30. > :05:35.night rounded up totally representative people. Does it feel
:05:35. > :05:41.we're in a triple-dip recession. does. Do you thinks things will
:05:41. > :05:47.pick up? I've had no spare money. Every bit of money goes on bills.
:05:47. > :05:53.Elephant suits. What do you do? builder by trade. Indian ar
:05:53. > :05:59.African? Aan attempt to convey the misery Scai invited business folk
:05:59. > :06:02.to share their tragedies. Some of the people behind the stories,
:06:02. > :06:06.good this will be sad. Tell us about your business and how it's
:06:06. > :06:09.coping right now. We're coping pretty well. We're on the High
:06:09. > :06:13.Street and the internet. We're doing pretty well actually.
:06:13. > :06:17.shit, sorry, they must have asked you by mistake.. Tell us about your
:06:17. > :06:21.business and how your faring right now. Actually last year we probably
:06:21. > :06:25.had one of the best years we've ever had. Apart from that, how bad
:06:25. > :06:30.is it? Out of the last six months of the year, five months of those
:06:30. > :06:35.were best-ever months. All right show off. Let's ask the other bloke.
:06:35. > :06:42.I concur with the previous comments. We've seen a good upturn in 2012
:06:42. > :06:46.and our revenues were increased. for (BLEEP) sake. Let's ipbtd view
:06:46. > :06:53.a hotelier -- interview a hotelier. How's business? It's been amazingly
:06:53. > :06:57.good. Everyone's a winner. We're doing well. Growth last year on the
:06:57. > :07:01.bedroom element. On the bedroom element, you do real aisles
:07:01. > :07:06.Embarrassing Bodies is next door. It's been tough on the High Street
:07:06. > :07:11.recently. That's why it's curious against the back drop of this, ITV
:07:11. > :07:19.have offered viewers escapism with a series set in a fantasy world
:07:19. > :07:22.where people open the shops. Mr Sell fridge is effective Downton
:07:22. > :07:26.Abbey. It's about Harry Selfridge a born showman and irritant who
:07:26. > :07:33.managed to create one of London's foremost department stores despite
:07:33. > :07:39.consisting of hardly anything but a beard and teeth. Why not Bob Comet
:07:39. > :07:43.and Dick Debenhams? Presumably shell fridges is delighted. It's
:07:43. > :07:50.name checked every nano second. Good morning Mr Selfridge.
:07:50. > :07:56.exterior has been faithfully reproduced presumably with CGI and
:07:56. > :08:00.some string. However inside it's limited to one floor. We might only
:08:00. > :08:05.ever see one floor but Selfridges has a massive cheese department in
:08:05. > :08:09.the form of Jeremy Piven. His Mr Selfridge is no mere barrow boy.
:08:09. > :08:16.More of a barrowman, specifically John Barrowman. We need to put on a
:08:16. > :08:24.show. He performs the row with the subtle diof a pantomime dame trying
:08:24. > :08:27.to take attention from a burning building. You love it, don't you,
:08:27. > :08:31.the customers, the selling, the feeling of merchandise under your
:08:31. > :08:36.hands? I love it more than anything. It's hard to tell the shop girls
:08:36. > :08:40.apart, partly because they're always whispering or titering in
:08:40. > :08:45.the corner and partly because they're styled like they've gone to
:08:45. > :08:49.a fancy dress wake as a cottage loaf. Everywhere it's Princess
:08:49. > :08:52.Anneen in mourning. Sometimes there's so many Princess Annes even
:08:52. > :08:56.they can't tell if they're looking in a mirror. Because it's based on
:08:56. > :09:00.a real shop, opened bay real man, there's not much real jeopardy. The
:09:00. > :09:05.opening episode was a nail-biting tale of will he or won't he open
:09:05. > :09:09.the shop? When you know he did. Then, will he or won't he open the
:09:09. > :09:15.perfume counter. Which you also know he did. Then we had is he or
:09:15. > :09:20.isn't he dead. We know he won't be. Still while Mr Selfridge ingests
:09:20. > :09:24.seenery on ITV, the BBC is shoving viewers into the grisly world of
:09:24. > :09:30.Ripper Street a sort of CSI Whitechapel set in Victorian London,
:09:30. > :09:39.a time when men were men, except when they looked like this. It
:09:39. > :09:42.stars Matthew McFadden. Jerome or robson and Jerome. And an American
:09:42. > :09:47.as a sort of pathologist come corpse connoisseur who examines the
:09:47. > :09:52.bodies in the manner of an expert on Antiques Roadshow. You see this
:09:52. > :09:59.impression in the clafical. Her fingers, worn and puckered by
:09:59. > :10:02.strings. And her hair, there are heavy deposits in it. Soot. Without
:10:02. > :10:06.that damage, she would have been worth as much as �3,000. Seriously,
:10:06. > :10:10.loads of people die in this. It's like Victorians had the life
:10:10. > :10:13.expectancy of a cocoa pop. Since it comes off the back of Call the
:10:13. > :10:21.Midwife, it's as if BBC One has decided Sunday night is Women
:10:21. > :10:24.Screaming Helplessly Night. Lauren Bacall was brilliant. It was a
:10:24. > :10:29.drama thing about schoolgirls who worked for mad nuns. Their job was
:10:29. > :10:32.to go into poor people houses and do score sixes on pregnant women.
:10:32. > :10:38.It's exciting because you see them pulling babies out of women and
:10:38. > :10:43.meeting all these horrible men. clear out of my home or I'll burn
:10:43. > :10:47.her and I'll burn her again. That's enough. Those bits are sad, but
:10:47. > :10:51.then they meet all these really nice babies, which is happy.
:10:51. > :10:54.babies are really good actors. God knows how they read the scripts.
:10:54. > :10:57.They must have had to stick it on a mobile for them or something and
:10:57. > :11:01.wait ages for it to spin round for the right bitd for the baby to
:11:01. > :11:06.learn what to do, like, oh, I've got to lift my arm at that point,
:11:06. > :11:12.you know and all that. People have said it's rose tinted, but it isn't,
:11:12. > :11:16.it's sort of green. Sometimes it's really green. Then, sometimes it's
:11:16. > :11:21.brown and sometimes it's green and brown. But it isn't pink because
:11:21. > :11:23.it's on early, so they can't show those bits. Good old fashioned
:11:23. > :11:27.British televised health care. There what's American televised
:11:27. > :11:37.health care like? Let's ask an American namely drunk comic Doug
:11:37. > :11:41.
:11:41. > :11:45.Stanhope. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink. As I'm sure
:11:45. > :11:49.you're aware, we don't have a national Health Service here in
:11:49. > :11:54.America like you do. We either have to pay for it or we have to suck it
:11:54. > :11:58.up. In the UK they have nationalised health care. We have
:11:58. > :12:02.300 channels of cable and TV doctors. You have to get the best
:12:02. > :12:08.you could do. We're choc full of TV doctors doling out all the free
:12:08. > :12:14.advice you're willing to swallow. Have you ever heard of Dr Phill?
:12:14. > :12:19.The other day we saw he had an 800- pound guy who made a U tube video
:12:19. > :12:27.of himself. I'm trying to get some help, a nutritionist, personal
:12:27. > :12:33.trainer, Dr Phill. "Please help me Dr Phill because I can't get out of
:12:33. > :12:37.my bed." So there Phill sends an ambulance directly to this poor fat
:12:37. > :12:40.prick's house and they tow his bed into an oversized ambulance and
:12:40. > :12:47.they drive him directly to the studios, as any medical
:12:47. > :12:51.professional would do. Do you Do you really believe that
:12:52. > :12:59.you can have a normal life in a normal body and a normal health?
:12:59. > :13:03.Yeah. When they run out of obvious advice like plug up your top hole
:13:03. > :13:08.fatty, you're eating too much, then they move into junk science. Now we
:13:09. > :13:12.invent diseases. What you're a horder? Oh, wait that's not a habit,
:13:12. > :13:16.that is obsessive compulsive disorder and we have an expert here
:13:16. > :13:24.that can help you with it if you allow them to exploit you on TV for
:13:24. > :13:28.an hour. I watch horders and I see shit I need. Then we have the
:13:28. > :13:33.cottage industry of rehab television. You have Dr Drew and
:13:33. > :13:39.you have addicted and cracking addition, intervention is my
:13:39. > :13:42.favourite. That's a show that's 58 minutes long of complete
:13:42. > :13:46.exploitation. It's just watching some poor prick stumble through his
:13:46. > :13:50.life and get fired from his job and he's shootding up in a bus toilet.
:13:50. > :13:54.Now he's puking in a trash can and shitting his pants. That's the
:13:54. > :13:58.first 55 minutes, then they cut to the intervention and that's just
:13:58. > :14:06.the sad family sitting around reading these sapy letters that
:14:06. > :14:13.they wrote like hall mark greetings cards. "You didn't show up for
:14:13. > :14:17.Sheila's bar mitts va, wah". Then they take them to rehab. This is
:14:17. > :14:23.where it's helpful. They're going to show how to rehabilitate these
:14:23. > :14:27.people. No, that's the end of the show. Graphic, Bruce hasn't drank
:14:27. > :14:31.since July 21. If you're trying to help people, you might want to tell
:14:31. > :14:35.us what the fucking cure is. You skipped over that part entirely.
:14:35. > :14:40.I'm just saying if you're going to get your medical advice from a TV
:14:40. > :14:44.doctor, you might as well get the advice from Dr -- Dr Dre or Dr Sues.
:14:44. > :14:53.That way the bad vice you get will rime.
:14:53. > :14:57.-- rhyme. Transport and as the news excitedly
:14:57. > :15:01.showed Prince Charles celebrates 150 years of subterranean hell by
:15:01. > :15:07.uegz the underground. As far as Charles is concerned an Oyster card
:15:07. > :15:11.is a credit card someone uses to buy oysters. Here's how you do it,
:15:11. > :15:16.push your thingy up the round nubin and the flaps open, there you go.
:15:16. > :15:19.Ease yourself in all the way. Good- o. Not that it was his first time.
:15:20. > :15:24.ITN explained the last time Charles used the underground was during a
:15:24. > :15:27.pleb spotting trip in 1979. Whereas the last time Camilla braved the
:15:27. > :15:30.Tube was their wedding night. They didn't go all the way. Charles only
:15:30. > :15:34.lasted two minutes before popping off. Well it's understandable
:15:34. > :15:39.really. Poor bloke hasn't been inside a tunnel for 344 years.
:15:39. > :15:43.-- 34 years. Technology and the humble
:15:43. > :15:47.BlackBerry has had it hard with competition and tech problems
:15:47. > :15:52.denting its popularity to a point where it's own users try to kill it
:15:52. > :15:56.with hammers. It took about a month of intermittent bashing to actually
:15:56. > :16:00.break the BlackBerry hand set up. Now the hand set folk were
:16:00. > :16:03.attempting to revive fortunes with an informative relaunch. They're
:16:03. > :16:07.replacing their pocket type writers with something that looks like an
:16:07. > :16:12.iPhone but isn't and another thing that looks like a BlackBerry and is.
:16:12. > :16:17.Aren't they beautiful? Perhaps most startling of all BlackBerry has a
:16:17. > :16:21.new global creative director, courtesy of an announcement
:16:21. > :16:25.straight out of the Celebrity Apprentice. She's breakbury's
:16:25. > :16:29.creative director. Please welcome Mrs Alicia Keys. Yes Alicia Keys,
:16:29. > :16:33.they signed her because playing the piano and wearing hats are key
:16:33. > :16:37.business skills and not because the CEO wanted an excuse to get off
:16:37. > :16:42.with her on stage. She's actually a big Apple fan. She did a song about
:16:42. > :16:45.New York. The only thing Alicia Keys has to do with BlackBerry is
:16:45. > :16:55.she's black and wears a ber yay. You wonder if she's ever going to
:16:55. > :17:02.
:17:02. > :17:06.I'll see you in the office. Will I am was at MacWall last week when he
:17:06. > :17:16.was asked questions about technology. What is your favourite
:17:16. > :17:25.gadget right now? The eye pad mini. He was promoting his own bespoke
:17:25. > :17:29.gizmo, a $400 accessory that turns the iPhone into a boxier less
:17:29. > :17:35.ergonomic iPhone. Now, it's locked. It's aimed at people who wished
:17:35. > :17:40.they had bought a camera in 1978 instead of an iPhone in 2013.
:17:40. > :17:48.folks who want to text. Who want to text on something other than but
:17:48. > :17:55.attached to the iPhone they already own. It lights up! He is proud of
:17:55. > :17:59.his invention. This was in my head in February. Now it's in my hand in
:17:59. > :18:06.November about to be in stores in December. In landfill sites by
:18:06. > :18:11.March. Who pay a-- paid attention to Mali last year? Hardly anyone,
:18:11. > :18:14.myself included. The only people who care about Mali were the French
:18:14. > :18:19.and the Presidental candidate Mitt Romney who mentioned the country in
:18:19. > :18:26.his third debate. We want to make sure we are seeing progress
:18:26. > :18:32.throughout the Middle East with having North Mali being over taken
:18:32. > :18:42.by al-Qaeda. Only to get laughed at. Extremistes had gained a foothold
:18:42. > :18:44.
:18:44. > :18:51.there and were making civilian life about as much fun as sitting
:18:51. > :18:55.through Paddy's TV Guide. The Mallan army tried fighting back.
:18:55. > :19:03.They seemed under prepared. They were having to train without
:19:03. > :19:10.ammunition. Someone answer that gun they weren't the best quipped army
:19:10. > :19:17.in the world. Their uniforms were threadbare and their weapons were
:19:17. > :19:21.jamming. That is Mali for you. Sky News showed that the extremists
:19:21. > :19:26.seemed heavily armed with weapons gained during the Libyan uprising.
:19:26. > :19:29.France responded by sending in troops who took the fight all over
:19:29. > :19:37.Northern Mali. They sprayed paratroopers over Timbuktu in what
:19:37. > :19:41.looked like footage from 1943. The onslaught surprised both the
:19:41. > :19:45.Islamists and people like me who thought Timbuktu was a make-up
:19:45. > :19:52.region of Narnia or something. The people of Timbuktu were delighted
:19:52. > :19:59.to be liberated by the French they dressed up in costume for Sky's
:19:59. > :20:03.cameras, during Alex Crawford into Gok Wan. Look what this man has
:20:03. > :20:06.done. That is the name of the operation. A big thank you to not
:20:06. > :20:11.only to the French President, Hollande, but all the other
:20:11. > :20:17.countries who helped support this operation. That is quite a get up.
:20:17. > :20:24.That is Mli for you. While the scenes of celebrations were genuine
:20:24. > :20:33.enough, what wasn't clear is who the extremists were. Whoever they
:20:33. > :20:36.were, there wasn't much footage of them just the chaos they left in
:20:36. > :20:43.their wake. While mallians were suffering the rest of the world
:20:43. > :20:50.wasn't too bothered until a few weeks ago when another terrorist
:20:50. > :21:00.group crept out of Mali and into Algeria and overran a BP complex
:21:00. > :21:01.
:21:01. > :21:03.taking hostages. At least the news had something new to scare us with.
:21:03. > :21:13.Terrorist leader, Mokhtar Belmokhtar, so bad they named him
:21:13. > :21:14.
:21:14. > :21:24.twice. He has a variety of aliases. He has an entourage that calls him
:21:24. > :21:24.
:21:24. > :21:28."the Prince" and One Eyed Jack." Aka that bloke we only have the one
:21:28. > :21:33.shot of. They had so little footage of him they had to keep fiddling
:21:33. > :21:43.with it so it looked sinister, freezing it, zooming in and out,
:21:43. > :21:50.turning him into a sort of Warhol screen print. On Sky super imposing
:21:51. > :22:00.silly Spooks-style graphics over him while playing an ominous chord.
:22:01. > :22:02.
:22:02. > :22:09.Anyone looks sin ter if you do that to them Look at Nicholas Lyndhurst
:22:09. > :22:14.here. In a sign the West is taking the threat seriously David Cameron
:22:14. > :22:23.committed troops to Mali. The situation in North Africa and Mali
:22:23. > :22:26.in particular is clearly one to keep an eye on. That's Mali for you.
:22:26. > :22:31.David Cameron's tour of North Africa provoked thoughtful reaction,
:22:31. > :22:41.some of it online. Here is our round-up of some of the things you
:22:41. > :22:43.
:22:43. > :22:45.have been saying online. It's what you think. It's Points Off You.
:22:45. > :22:55.Seeing Cameron play the international statesman seemed to
:22:55. > :22:57.
:22:57. > :23:01.annoy some of you. Alan from Robust get con cries commentary
:23:01. > :23:08.from Alan there. Cameron visited Libya as part of his travels which
:23:08. > :23:17.didn't impress pooped on worker who didn't impress pooped on worker who
:23:17. > :23:21.He seems to have calmed down there at the end. Maybe you were tired
:23:21. > :23:31.after another long day of being pooped on as part of the system,
:23:31. > :23:35.aren't we all. Someone calling themselves "European" complains:
:23:35. > :23:44.Actually, much of that money is going to be spent on shooting
:23:44. > :23:49.Muslims. Beyonce was in the news again. She admitted lip syncing at
:23:49. > :23:59.Obama's inauguration. She blew the roof off the Super Bowl. Not
:23:59. > :24:12.
:24:12. > :24:17.everyone is happy with her. We have seen her baby's face. There
:24:17. > :24:27.was a distributed heart warming photo of it. Look, see. Thank you,
:24:27. > :24:36.
:24:36. > :24:42.Samantha, good luck. Someone who calls themself "plation to say:
:24:42. > :24:50.That is one thing we can all agree That is one thing we can all agree
:24:50. > :24:59.on. Here is something else. Hitchcock is a story involving Alf
:24:59. > :25:03.Fred Hitchcock. The story concerns his attempts to shoot his Fiebg owe
:25:03. > :25:13.while experiencing relationship turbulence with his wife played by
:25:13. > :25:14.
:25:14. > :25:21.Helen Mirren. Brutal violence. Sounds ghastly. This is the boy who
:25:21. > :25:28.dug up his own mother. It starts off well. The behind-the-scenes is
:25:28. > :25:33.fascinating. The film veers into clunky terrain and feels like a
:25:33. > :25:40.underwhelming TV movie about a couple. It has great moments but
:25:40. > :25:47.not quite enough of them. Nor is a complete horror show, which is
:25:47. > :25:57.ironic given the subject matter, which is film Janet Lee being
:25:57. > :26:06.
:26:06. > :26:16.stabbed to death in the shower. I'm joined by two guests to discuss
:26:16. > :26:18.
:26:18. > :26:23.Janet Lee being stabbed in the arse she could have survived the rest of
:26:23. > :26:27.the film she would have been complaining? It would be a
:26:27. > :26:32.different movie. If she had been stabbed in the bum. Are you a
:26:32. > :26:40.Hitchcock fan? I enjoyed the films when I was young. When I was 13, 14,
:26:40. > :26:46.when they first came out. You are saying you are too sophisticated?
:26:46. > :26:52.Technology makes them seem dated and difficult to enjoy, for me.
:26:52. > :27:00.prefer new stuff to old stuff? I much prefer it. Some of the
:27:00. > :27:07.Spanish stuff like.Wreck. That is terrifying. Magnificent. You are a
:27:07. > :27:15.connoisseur? I'm 53. I came with the first rush of DVD rentals.
:27:15. > :27:19.came with the first rush... That very moment that Blockbusters
:27:19. > :27:29.opened. There is a new film called Maniac. It's all shot from the
:27:29. > :27:35.
:27:35. > :27:45.Who do you think is playing the killer in that? Christian Slater.
:27:45. > :27:45.
:27:45. > :27:55.No. Mr Paparazzi. The guy who looks like a depressed Sonic the Hedgehog.
:27:55. > :27:58.
:27:58. > :28:03.I could believe he kills women. I could. It's e Elijah Wood. I think
:28:03. > :28:07.he is very weird looking. Baby face is good for a killer. Would you see
:28:07. > :28:16.that? I would. I like to see horror in the afternoon, the cinema is
:28:16. > :28:24.empty and I can smoke. Do you smoke in cinemas? When there is no-one in.
:28:24. > :28:27.Yes. D they let you. I don't ask. If I went to the cinema and there
:28:27. > :28:37.was a lone man in the afternoon smoking I would leave. I would
:28:37. > :28:42.
:28:42. > :28:48.think he was a pervert. The world's favourite chemically complex
:28:48. > :28:57.refreshment unveils an arresting and telling the every day story of
:28:57. > :29:03.a simple gardener undermined by a gang of predatory can-rolling women.
:29:03. > :29:10.Stopping the mower isn't enough for these pic-a-nic baskets. They trick
:29:10. > :29:16.him into drinking the shooken-up can causing it to detonate in the
:29:16. > :29:21.messiest cumshot of all-time. He flaupbts his beveled surfaces at
:29:21. > :29:30.them, rendering them both speechless and and wert than him.
:29:30. > :29:36.Thus women are conquered once more. The message here is that it's funny
:29:36. > :29:43.to forcemenial workers to strip, and that diet coke only contains