:02:23. > :02:30.This programme contains adult Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you
:02:30. > :02:32.are watching Weekly Wipe. Britain's least comfortable man. David
:02:32. > :02:38.Cameron was surprised by the reception he received from the One
:02:38. > :02:48.Direction, but he he doesn't know he is beautiful. Scenes caught on
:02:48. > :02:52.
:02:52. > :03:02.Panorama as Iceland's boss spells out his meat meat testing policy.
:03:02. > :03:05.B beef. Obesity footage. And young British
:03:06. > :03:11.backpacker finds himself stranded in Daybreak.
:03:11. > :03:18.I am happy to say that Sam and his mum, Claire, join us from Australia.
:03:18. > :03:24.We start here. The Catholic Church in shock as the
:03:24. > :03:26.Pope says, "I quit.". The world's holiest man pulled the most
:03:26. > :03:31.spectacular sickie. Reporters ran around telling everyone the news
:03:31. > :03:35.about the Pope's resignation and let me tell you, they were shocked.
:03:35. > :03:43.Truly shocked. Oh, I'm so shocked.
:03:43. > :03:46.See! I mean who can believe it? The Pope has resigned. You are joking.
:03:46. > :03:53.The Pope? Oh my god.
:03:53. > :03:58.As you could see, papal traditions include being carted around in a
:03:58. > :04:03.Perspex box and posing for merchandise, appearing on Jools
:04:03. > :04:10.Holland and as captured on Vatican television, watching young men
:04:10. > :04:19.peeling their clothes off, before forming a big tower as the nuns
:04:19. > :04:23.look on. He had enough and announced his departure. I hope God
:04:23. > :04:30.will give him a good reference. At least Benedict was polite enough
:04:30. > :04:36.to resune. The last Pope just stopped showing up to work. We got
:04:36. > :04:41.how good a Pope he was. Pope Benedict, a man of wisdom,
:04:41. > :04:45.there is no such thing as instant wis do.
:04:45. > :04:51.-- wisdom. Anyway, now the Pope had poped off,
:04:51. > :04:54.the news was concern with who was next? Peck was old when he got the
:04:54. > :05:04.-- Pope Benedict was old when he got the job.
:05:04. > :05:08.The news began profiling the youthful new candidates in scenes
:05:08. > :05:17.which resembled beat'em up. Peter Turkson wins.
:05:17. > :05:20.Or a run-down of competitors in the over 75s category on X Factor.
:05:20. > :05:25.Maybe Louis Walsh would come in and get them to form a group. There was
:05:25. > :05:28.the possibility of a black Pope. A black Pope sounds like a new
:05:28. > :05:32.Quentin Tarantino movie. I guess you could say it would be a dark
:05:32. > :05:38.reboot for the Pope franchise if you were racist.
:05:38. > :05:43.Anyway, we will have to wait until March to find out who is going to
:05:43. > :05:47.play Popeman. You can tell when it has has happened because the white
:05:47. > :05:51.smoke comes out and he comes out with a new head on, the Pope does
:05:51. > :05:56.that. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.
:05:56. > :06:01.You know what it is like when something you have seen gets
:06:01. > :06:08.snapped up by Hollywood and makes it more violent and crowd pleasing,
:06:08. > :06:12.well they have down that with a Raoul Moat story or the Christopher
:06:12. > :06:16.Dorner story. He had the looks of Danny Glover and the insanity of
:06:16. > :06:22.Mel Gibson. The US news was recounting this tale of a former LA
:06:22. > :06:26.PD officer on the run vowing revenge against everyone he said
:06:26. > :06:28.had crossed him. They present it had like a thriller. Of course, he
:06:28. > :06:33.know has he is doing, we trained him.
:06:33. > :06:38.A manhunt for one of his own. He was a member of the of the armed
:06:38. > :06:44.forces. He is armed and dangerous.
:06:44. > :06:52.Dorner vanish forcing the news to construct a full blown panic from a
:06:52. > :06:58.handful of photographs and blurry CCTV and countless alarm graphics.
:06:58. > :07:02.Some US news outfits went out of their way not to glorify the killer
:07:03. > :07:05.with CNN's Anderson Cooper using the killer's name as little as
:07:05. > :07:10.possible. Everybody knows the person's name.
:07:10. > :07:16.A shot of the times these shooters want attention. They want their
:07:16. > :07:26.names to live on. The news networks were flinging
:07:26. > :07:32.
:07:33. > :07:38.every dorn every Dorner person. is a 300lb dummy. In is 300lbs.
:07:38. > :07:44.This is a strong man? Right. And treated to reminders of his
:07:44. > :07:50.arsenal. He Weaponry that he might be able to shoot into the sky. P.
:07:50. > :07:59.If America banned guns, the only way for maniacs to become famous is
:07:59. > :08:09.to sing on talent shows. Dorner's minute was being -- mind was being
:08:09. > :08:17.
:08:17. > :08:21.probed. He is a classic 81 nar narsasist.
:08:21. > :08:28.Thank you. A good interview.
:08:29. > :08:37.What are you up to after the rampage? The news was pouring over
:08:37. > :08:41.Dorner's manifesto. This Is my last resort the LAPD suppressed the
:08:41. > :08:48.truth and it led to deadly consequences.
:08:48. > :08:53.He listed celebrities he liked and praised Michelle Obama's new fringe.
:08:53. > :09:01.As well as haircuts, he praised left-wingers like Mia Farrow and
:09:01. > :09:07.Hillary Clinton. Dorner's admiration for left-wingers annoyed
:09:07. > :09:13.Sean Hannity. Those on the left are dismissing the notion that his
:09:13. > :09:17.shooting his rampage had anything to do with his political ideology.
:09:17. > :09:23.Just Just because this guy liked left-wingers, I don't like him, I
:09:23. > :09:33.blame them. You blame him. Yes, do I not blame
:09:33. > :09:37.
:09:37. > :09:40.them. Gazza turned up offering to help out in the Raoul Moat story.
:09:40. > :09:43.Christopher Dorner there, is Charlie Sheen. You mentioned me in
:09:43. > :09:47.your manifesto. Thank you for your kind words. I am urging you to call
:09:47. > :09:51.me. Let's figure out together how to end this thing.
:09:51. > :09:56.We should work out to end this thing. If you ask me, this third
:09:56. > :10:00.act is kind of depressing, Chris. The third act panned out like any
:10:00. > :10:06.modern blockbuster, there was speeding cars and more guns and a
:10:06. > :10:11.violent siege finale. Then as the vulture cam circled on
:10:11. > :10:16.all news networks the police set fire to the cabin and Christopher
:10:16. > :10:19.Dorner perished inside. Of course, this kind of thing has
:10:19. > :10:24.become so repetitive in the US, it is a movie everyone has seen before
:10:24. > :10:29.about 100 times and so it came to pass that as Christopher Dorner's
:10:29. > :10:33.corpse burnt on live television, an unimpressed Bill O'Reilly through
:10:33. > :10:37.languidly to a break. We believe that if the Associated
:10:37. > :10:42.Press is correct that this guy is toast. All right, he is either
:10:42. > :10:46.probably dead, either by suicide or the police got him. But we will
:10:46. > :10:50.keep you posted and we will be back in a moment.
:10:50. > :10:55.There was this programme called Wonderful Life which was about how
:10:55. > :10:59.science did all the life. It was like this holiday thing where Marco
:10:59. > :11:05.went out of Take That goes around the world and looks like things
:11:05. > :11:07.like he is on an album cover or one of his unpopular solo projects. Tas
:11:07. > :11:11.lovely holiday and then something goes wrong.
:11:11. > :11:16.He is on his own and he looks like he is thinking and you are like,
:11:16. > :11:19.this is trouble. And sure enough, he starts saying all this moody
:11:19. > :11:24.stuff. What is it that makes something
:11:24. > :11:28.alive? What is the difference between the living and the dead?
:11:28. > :11:32.What is life... Well, my friend Paul went to Thailand, he a bad
:11:32. > :11:36.pill and ended up crying and trying to run into the sea for three weeks
:11:36. > :11:41.and this is just like that. It is like he had a bad pill. He walks
:11:41. > :11:46.around all night, through a sort of burning graveyard until he starts
:11:46. > :11:51.sounding all stoned and depressed. It is hard to accept when you die,
:11:51. > :11:57.you will stop existing and you are, your life, the essence of you, is
:11:57. > :12:04.just really something that emerges from an inan mat bag of stuff.
:12:04. > :12:08.That's when his mind totally snaps and he spends the rest of his
:12:09. > :12:14.holiday spiralling out of control. He builds stuff out of bottles.
:12:14. > :12:20.stuff he says gets madder and madder until you are like, "Someone
:12:20. > :12:24.has to step in and get this bloke help." The chicken is radiating
:12:24. > :12:29.disorder out into the wider universe. And it is sad because he
:12:29. > :12:33.really wants you to understand what he is on about. He doesn't know it
:12:34. > :12:38.is pointless. Then he starts peaking and has all these crazy man
:12:38. > :12:42.visions where he sees the whole galaxy in his head and he describes
:12:42. > :12:45.this hippie stuff. Just by by being alive, we too, are
:12:45. > :12:50.part of the process of energy transformation that drives the
:12:50. > :12:55.evolution of the universe. And then he looks calm and you realise that
:12:55. > :13:00.he thinks he found the meaning of life. Even though he is past help,
:13:00. > :13:06.you think, "Fair enough mate, good for you. Enjoy the rest of your
:13:06. > :13:13.holiday. Try and not to run into the sea.". I wonder what is going
:13:13. > :13:18.on in the world? Our main store story at at least one meteor has
:13:18. > :13:28.come down in sen Central London injuring at least 500 people.
:13:28. > :13:32.
:13:32. > :13:35.Christ. Oh my god. Forgive me, I think said Central London, I meant
:13:35. > :13:39.central Russia. Thank God for that. Russia has been
:13:39. > :13:47.destroyed. This a series of pant browning
:13:47. > :13:53.images, great God almighty tossed a rock at the Earth which resembled a
:13:53. > :13:59.game of Angry Birds. News Channels had been in training for the end of
:13:59. > :14:03.the world. The blast blew out windows and rocked offices and
:14:03. > :14:08.disrupted charming school lessons and injured hundreds, but looked
:14:08. > :14:11.amazing on telly. A massive asteroid was headed for
:14:11. > :14:17.our fragile earth bauble and the scientists who were promise it
:14:17. > :14:25.wouldn't hit us were the same ones who hadn't seen the Russian meteor
:14:25. > :14:34.coming. The One Show put a clock on the
:14:34. > :14:42.screen. Life continues. In the event, the near miss looked
:14:42. > :14:47.painfully boring compared to the Michael story. Guess who has got
:14:47. > :14:54.the highest score of all time on asteroids? Yes, that's right, the
:14:54. > :15:04.Pope. You are joking, the Pope? Oh my god.
:15:04. > :15:07.
:15:07. > :15:13.This is a poem about ast asteroid. An asteroid was heading to earth.
:15:13. > :15:20.Obama bolt and The Queen hired a meeting room above a pub and after
:15:20. > :15:26.some some some banter they hatched a plan. Russian timber and Indian
:15:26. > :15:32.rope and then god himself would swing out and catch the asteroid in
:15:32. > :15:37.the net and the French would eat it. Everyone on the planet who had an
:15:37. > :15:42.access to a telly and an interest in current affairs tuned in to
:15:42. > :15:45.watch their press conference, during which the asteroid hit and
:15:46. > :15:54.everyone apart from some Eskimoes were wiped out. That particular
:15:54. > :15:58.telly cast was all the Eskimoes spoke about as they fished for for
:15:58. > :16:04.seals and drank heavily. You know who comes across well?
:16:04. > :16:11.People in reality shows. I will tell you agrees with that statement,
:16:11. > :16:16.Doug Stanhope. I am Doug Stanhope and that's why I
:16:16. > :16:21.drink. At some point in the history of
:16:21. > :16:26.reality TV, they realised as long as we have one as hole on the TV,
:16:26. > :16:31.people will watch. We have a bunch of people who are going to sing
:16:31. > :16:41.sing horrible songs so badly that you wouldn't want to hear them from
:16:41. > :16:42.
:16:42. > :16:51.the original artist. If fucking Daniel came on my car stereo. Why
:16:51. > :16:58.would I watch a show with amateurs? You will have a guy that that will
:16:58. > :17:04.better will berate them? Once they have that formula set, they realise
:17:04. > :17:09.we can use this in any setting for a reality show as long as there is
:17:09. > :17:13.an ass hole. OK, we got an American chopper, you are watching people
:17:13. > :17:16.build a motorcycle, how interesting can that be? Wait, the father is a
:17:16. > :17:24.shit head and he is mean to everybody. Let's tune in again and
:17:24. > :17:31.see how this goes. I am going to (BLEEP) We should have moved these
:17:31. > :17:36.out, jackass. Ask yourself would I watch this in in real life? Would I
:17:36. > :17:41.go to a pawn shop and stand around waiting for someone to cash in
:17:41. > :17:50.their valuables to pay their fucking cable bill or buy more
:17:50. > :17:58.rock? No. You would if you added an imba seal like this guy. They have
:17:58. > :18:08.to have depleted the supply of dicks on the planet.
:18:08. > :18:10.
:18:10. > :18:20.People aren't dicky enough. Storage Wars is a show where they they bid
:18:20. > :18:23.
:18:23. > :18:28.on abandoned storage units. When he bids, he will go... 500 bucks.
:18:28. > :18:36.1,000. That's all you got in this market?
:18:37. > :18:46.You need to go to Dick School, my friend. You could take dick lessons.
:18:47. > :18:48.
:18:48. > :18:52.Not only is this show a weak, carbon copy of Kitchen Nightmares
:18:52. > :18:55.who had a dick in Gordon Ramsay. All he knows is he has to be a dick
:18:55. > :18:57.so he is a dick all the time. How dare you pick up warm chicken
:18:58. > :19:01.and pick up cheese with your hand and pick up spices with your hand.
:19:02. > :19:05.Shame on you. Shut it down. Nobody eats.
:19:05. > :19:09.He is an ass hole when he is talking to the camera. He can't
:19:09. > :19:15.even turn it on. If these people don't shape up, I will fire
:19:15. > :19:21.everyone one of them. I can't contain myself. He is not a
:19:21. > :19:27.great employee, he is a lazy slob. Don't rope me into this. I am a guy
:19:27. > :19:32.on a couch. All these shows have created a culture where people want
:19:32. > :19:37.to be dicks. Kids are looking up at the TV going, "I hope I can be that
:19:37. > :19:44.big of a dick one day." I hope I don't have to go to acting school.
:19:44. > :19:54.I just have to be a really good fucking ass hole. Fuck Gary Oldman
:19:54. > :19:54.
:19:54. > :20:00.this guy has to do work. This guy is a jerk off.
:20:00. > :20:04.Royalty And as mucky foreign magazines publish pictures of
:20:04. > :20:08.pregnant Kate, Quentin Letts condemn their publication.
:20:08. > :20:11.They have published photos of our Kate and she has got her little
:20:11. > :20:19.bump appearing, of course. There are people saying that this is an
:20:19. > :20:26.invasion of privacy, I think they may have a point.
:20:26. > :20:28.Quentin's argument - This Morning showed the shot.
:20:28. > :20:36.This magazine should be called cheap.
:20:36. > :20:43.And this programme is called This Morning. Perhaps thanks to that
:20:43. > :20:46.bikini flash, it should be called This Porning.
:20:46. > :20:52.Quentin was was prepared to stand up for the British press.
:20:52. > :20:56.There has been a lot of talk about the rotten old British press and we
:20:56. > :21:06.are beyond the the pail. The internet version of Quentin's
:21:06. > :21:11.paper, the Daily Mail ran photos of woods of Evan Rachel Wood's unborn
:21:11. > :21:16.baby. Thereby, unsetting a non- Royal pregnant woman. The day after
:21:16. > :21:22.that, the Sun newspaper also flew the flag for British journalism by
:21:22. > :21:31.running a different bikini snap on the front page of Jubious Judgement.
:21:31. > :21:37.The press often treats women like whores or pieces of meat, or
:21:37. > :21:47.whoresmeat. You know who likes horsemeat? You are joking, the
:21:47. > :21:50.Pope? The decision by an Italian magazine to print snaps of a
:21:50. > :22:00.pregnant duchess. This is what you think, it is your thoughts, your
:22:00. > :22:04.words, your soul. It is Points of a view in Points Of View.
:22:04. > :22:14.Printing pictures of pregnant women is impertinent particularly when
:22:14. > :22:14.
:22:14. > :22:24.the woman involved is a Royal. She is indeed, the Queen's daughter,
:22:24. > :22:30.the dim boa it -- dimbo Italians don't realise that. Not everyone
:22:30. > :22:35.was overwhelmed with sympathy with Kate. Someone visited the Guardian
:22:35. > :22:42.to say, "Enough of this shit. If this family wants to put itself as
:22:42. > :22:45.the representative of GB, they can hardly complain when someone takes
:22:45. > :22:51.photographs.". We will try and pass that on to the department
:22:51. > :23:01.responsible. Skyfall came out on DVD this week. It is the 2,000th
:23:01. > :23:01.
:23:02. > :23:11.film starring James Bond. It is the longest running franchise in movie
:23:12. > :23:16.
:23:16. > :23:20.history if you don't count amateur pornography. In an odd departure,
:23:20. > :23:27.he makes overtures to Bond. What makes you think this is my first
:23:27. > :23:35.time? Oh, Mr Mr Bond. Alongside booms and bangs, there
:23:35. > :23:40.are reminder that James Bond is a bit on the old side. Bond Superiors
:23:40. > :23:47.discuss. You don't need to be an operative to see the obvious. It is
:23:47. > :23:55.a young man's game. Skyfall doubles as a big budget on
:23:55. > :24:02.whether the Bond archetype belongs in the 21st century. Yes, he does.
:24:02. > :24:06.A shit load of people have to die to prove that point. Despite not
:24:06. > :24:13.making much more sense than me going... Skyfall is entertaining
:24:13. > :24:17.from start to bum end and has a bit where James Bond makes the most
:24:17. > :24:27.most James Bondan entrance of all time. Well, he can do that kind of
:24:27. > :24:32.thing. He is James Bond. Joining me are Jesse Armstrong and I see and
:24:32. > :24:41.Izzy Suity. You carry a loaded firearm. Yes.
:24:41. > :24:48.Have you got it on you? Yes. James Bond is like the guy who gets
:24:48. > :24:57.a nosebleed. It is like Colin Staples.
:24:57. > :25:01.I liked Skyfall. It was a good James Bond film. I think they are
:25:01. > :25:06.for children, really, but you know, within the category of James Bond
:25:06. > :25:12.films, I thought it was a good one. What I really like, there is no
:25:12. > :25:19.sub-text really in the script or or the acting. If he is cross, he will
:25:19. > :25:21.look cross. If he hurts his hand, he goes.
:25:21. > :25:25.LAUGHTER There is a bit where he is holding
:25:25. > :25:27.on to the lift and he goes... LAUGHTER
:25:27. > :25:31.This is your definition of an enjoyable film. It is clear every
:25:31. > :25:35.moment this is what is happening. Yes, everyone says what they mean
:25:35. > :25:38.and everyone looks sad, happy or confused. There is a lot of
:25:38. > :25:42.romancing that generally goes on in Bond films. There is not so much in
:25:42. > :25:44.this one, but he walks into a woman's shower without... Asking
:25:45. > :25:49.her. Asking her consent.
:25:49. > :25:52.That bit is worrying, isn't it? It is constructed like a joke. There
:25:52. > :25:57.is a woman who is sort of in sexual bondage to this man and then the
:25:57. > :26:04.joke is somebody is walking up behind her, pressing themselves
:26:04. > :26:09.against her and a, aah, it is all right, it is it is James Bond.
:26:09. > :26:19.There would be a different tone if you could see James Bond'ser
:26:19. > :26:21.
:26:21. > :26:24.rection. -- -- -- James Bond's erection. Or if he had half an
:26:24. > :26:29.erection. Clearly, James Bond is a dick. He
:26:29. > :26:34.is the sort of person, you would meet him at a barbecue and he would
:26:34. > :26:38.be looking at his enormous watch and trying to move on and go home
:26:38. > :26:42.and read his car magazine. I think he is just a wanker.
:26:42. > :26:52.I can't imagine him making small talk at a barbecue.
:26:52. > :26:58.
:26:58. > :27:04.I don't think he would would invest in a conversation for long.
:27:04. > :27:14.Defecation and Andrex send Dawn Porter to foist bog roll on people.
:27:14. > :27:15.
:27:15. > :27:18.I am here to talk about bums. Dawn Porter encourages them to plop
:27:18. > :27:26.and white. Not as nice as I thought they would
:27:26. > :27:30.What have you been eating? Horse. Andrex wants to promote a
:27:30. > :27:36.conversation on bum wiping techniques by asking if we scrunch
:27:36. > :27:41.toilet paper or fold it. Don't be square, scrunch.
:27:41. > :27:46.Fabulous, fold. Scrunch like me, number three.
:27:47. > :27:52.I can't wait for the next one if they ask if you ever got a bit of
:27:52. > :27:57.shit shit on your fingers. This is the next step. First, it will it
:27:57. > :28:02.will how do you wipe and next, can I watch you do it. Andrex will be
:28:02. > :28:09.filming it on a smartphone. Behave. As the horsemeat scandal scandal
:28:09. > :28:13.continues, the news continues to turn your TV into an abattoir. All
:28:13. > :28:19.this meat coverage is the sort of thing that makes vegetarians happy
:28:19. > :28:22.or it would if they had the energy to experience happiness. Sky News
:28:22. > :28:27.had testimony from an informer in the meat industry, who turned out
:28:27. > :28:32.to be the biggest meat whistle- blower since your mum. Horsemeat is
:28:32. > :28:35.showing up everything where, you can't even pop out for a crafty fag
:28:35. > :28:41.without finding horsemeat in your cigarette. The question is, where
:28:41. > :28:47.is it all coming from from? The horsemeat scandal more fd into the
:28:47. > :28:53.international horsemeat scandal as reporters pursued the trail of
:28:53. > :28:58.edible hooves. Our food is locally sourced, but only in galactic terms.
:28:58. > :29:03.Journalist touched down in France and eventually Romania. Any attempt
:29:03. > :29:06.to get our cameras into abattoirs or meat processing factories in
:29:06. > :29:12.Romania has been met with the same answer - no.
:29:12. > :29:16.There was an indication that Romania is a medieval hamlet where
:29:16. > :29:21.horses are used as machinery. The Romanian abattoir industry managed
:29:21. > :29:27.to dig up the least convincing representative imagine imaginable.
:29:27. > :29:35.A man smoking with a floor with an array of animal skulls.
:29:35. > :29:45.Horsemeat. The end by beef meat. No sooner had the news landed in
:29:45. > :29:46.
:29:46. > :29:53.foreign land then food food cops moved in. They raided premises in