:02:07. > :02:13.This programme contains some strong I'm Charlie Brookeer. You are
:02:13. > :02:16.watching a specially Weekly Wipe. A show about things that what
:02:16. > :02:19.happened over previous weeks. A compilation.
:02:19. > :02:23.Aren't you lucky. Do you remember the Olympics? Weren't they Reid
:02:23. > :02:27.great? All that running and throwing and jumping into sand?
:02:27. > :02:32.Britain seems dull without them which is probably why vur TV has
:02:32. > :02:37.been keen it keep the Olympic spirit going. -- why your TV. They
:02:37. > :02:42.have nonsense like ITV's splsh splash. Tonight, Olympic hero, Tom
:02:42. > :02:44.Daley coaches five celebrities as they dive head-first into the most
:02:44. > :02:49.terrifying challenge of their lives. Falling doesn't get tougher than
:02:49. > :02:54.this. In what is the most unedifying example of celebrity
:02:54. > :02:59.plummeting since rod Hull, ITV have unveiled Splash! Starring Tom Daley,
:02:59. > :03:04.seen here walking around in his pants like a bloke that looks like
:03:04. > :03:08.he has misplaced his locker kee. He is brilliant at falling into the
:03:08. > :03:13.water. Most people flail their arms around. Not Tom Daley, he has
:03:13. > :03:18.taught himself not to do that, using mental processes. Here he is
:03:18. > :03:27.talking about the intense drama, in the manner of swung under hypnosis.
:03:27. > :03:33.When I step out, I can smell the chlorine. My heart is racing. I'm
:03:33. > :03:36.on the edge. My world stops. I hook the trunks out of my bum and fall
:03:36. > :03:41.into the water. Apart from falling into water,
:03:41. > :03:46.Tom's job is to teach a group of famous and allegedly famous human
:03:46. > :03:51.beings how to plummet into water like graceful and hopefully
:03:51. > :03:54.oddorless turdz. At times you sense that ITV would like to broadcast
:03:54. > :03:58.celebrity stripping but Ofcom said no. I expect it was a TV experiment
:03:58. > :04:02.to find out if celebrities are affected by the law of gravity and
:04:02. > :04:06.whether they fall quicker if they are more famous. There's probably
:04:06. > :04:11.people in lab coats at the back writing the findings down. Splash
:04:11. > :04:14.splsh is increasing human wisdom by a factor of 40%. -- Splash!. The
:04:14. > :04:18.falls they do are complex. Sometimes they have to perform
:04:18. > :04:23.flips and turns which is hard and other times they have to
:04:23. > :04:27.impersonate somebody illegally dumping a dead horse in a canal or
:04:27. > :04:30.someone being executed by a single gunshot to the head. Then it is
:04:30. > :04:35.over to the judges to decide how good they were. Two of the judges
:04:35. > :04:39.are experts. One is Jo Brand whose main qualification to judge a
:04:39. > :04:43.diving contest, is like all humans, she is 98% water. The problem is
:04:43. > :04:49.that diving doesn't last long, with only a few two-second money shots
:04:49. > :04:56.in a 90-minute show, it is forced to add more dubious filler than a
:04:56. > :05:02.Tesco Value Burger. That's why we have to watch VTs about their
:05:02. > :05:08.belly-flopping journey and repeats of each dive. It is only enlifened
:05:08. > :05:15.by questioning by Gabby Logan. Getting hit in the ring must hurt
:05:15. > :05:19.and hitting the water must hurt. What is worse? A personal question.
:05:19. > :05:22.And there are street dancers. Seriously, the day we broadcast
:05:22. > :05:24.live hangings you will see these pricks doing this shit around the
:05:24. > :05:28.gallows. The Dutchenese came up with this
:05:28. > :05:30.first. Their version looks the same but the people falling in it are
:05:30. > :05:34.larger. They are still sort of celebrities but only in Dutch.
:05:34. > :05:38.Because they speak in Dutch it is the sort of thing that should be on
:05:38. > :05:43.BBC Four. It's basically the same as boringer, but with gravity in it.
:05:43. > :05:47.-- Borgen. Before last month I didn't know
:05:47. > :05:51.anything about mally. There was no connection between Mali and me, I
:05:51. > :05:53.thought it was a film about a dog but the world paid attention after
:05:53. > :05:57.a group of Islamic militants took over northern parts of the
:05:57. > :06:01.condition tri. As the depression subsequent coverage made clear,
:06:01. > :06:06.live in northern Mali was grim. Islamic extremists had gained a
:06:06. > :06:14.foot hold and were making civilian life as much fun as sitting through
:06:14. > :06:19.nine episodes of Paddy's TV Guide. The locals move out in ang exodus
:06:19. > :06:23.# Exodus. That's Marley for you. The malian army tried finding back.
:06:23. > :06:26.They seemed underprepared as a French report revealed they were
:06:26. > :06:31.genuinely having to train without ammunition. Boom, boom, boom, boom.
:06:31. > :06:36.Boom, boom, boom, boom. Someone answer that gun. They
:06:36. > :06:41.weren't the best-equipped army in the wofrpltd their uniforms were
:06:41. > :06:46.thread bear and weapons were jamming.
:06:46. > :06:50.# Yamin. That's Marley for you. The treek emists seemed heavily-armed
:06:50. > :06:55.with weapons. They had so many guns they often seemed to frolic with
:06:55. > :07:01.them, like men playing with puppies. France responded by sending in
:07:01. > :07:04.troops. They also sprayed Para troopers over Timbuktu. The
:07:04. > :07:14.onslaught surprised the Islamists and people like me who thought
:07:14. > :07:14.
:07:14. > :07:19.Timbuktu was a made-up region of Narnia. As the Islamist fled Sky
:07:19. > :07:24.News showed footage of the locals. They were delighted to be liberated
:07:25. > :07:30.and dressed up in celebrating cameras and briefly turning Alex
:07:30. > :07:35.Crawford into Gok Wan. Look what this man has done, he has here the
:07:35. > :07:39.name of the operation that Francois Hollande named it and on the back a
:07:39. > :07:43.big thank you to Hollande who will and the other countries. That's
:07:43. > :07:46.quite a get up. # Get up, stand up. That's Marley
:07:46. > :07:51.for you. While the scenes of celebration weren't quite clear
:07:51. > :07:58.enough. What isn't clear is who the extremists were. Whoever they were,
:07:58. > :08:08.there wasn't much footage of them, just the chaos left in their wake.
:08:08. > :08:09.
:08:09. > :08:14.I wonder why libraries annoy them so much Maybe they thought it was
:08:14. > :08:21.the Dewey System was invented by Jews.
:08:21. > :08:25.1234 And David Cameron there, trying to
:08:25. > :08:29.blend in with his surroundings. In summary the situation in North
:08:29. > :08:39.Africa and Mali in particular is clearly one to keep an eye on.
:08:39. > :08:41.Zion Zion -- # Iron, like a Lion, in Zion.
:08:42. > :08:46.Well marlmarl. There was this clever programme about Penge wings,
:08:46. > :08:50.which are these birds that live in Scotland. They are happy animals.
:08:50. > :08:55.It is really cold where they live and they don't have jobs. They all
:08:55. > :09:01.spend their time standing around on rocks or waiting in the dole queue.
:09:01. > :09:05.It was nar aid bid Doctor Who who kept selling these interested
:09:05. > :09:12.penguin facts. Hopping is faster than waddling. Because he is Doctor
:09:12. > :09:14.Who, he know what is penguins think. Snees nervous but the march must go
:09:14. > :09:24.on. Sometimes when he couldn't think of anything else to say,
:09:24. > :09:25.
:09:25. > :09:30.would he sort of just whistle. WHISTLE MUSIC Force
:09:30. > :09:36.They made robot penguins with cameras. Like an eye pon made out
:09:36. > :09:40.of a penguin that can walk. -- iPhone. Penguins are so stupid they
:09:40. > :09:45.don't know what a robot is. He ripped the piss out of them. They
:09:45. > :09:48.were having a big festival like Glastonbury where they mill around
:09:48. > :09:52.looking for someone to camp. The robot went around to have a look
:09:52. > :09:55.around. To blend in, he walked around like someone who needed a
:09:56. > :10:00.shit but didn't want it use the chemical toil its. I think they
:10:00. > :10:05.sent the robots in to discover what penguins are up to, like when
:10:05. > :10:09.police go under-cover to catch drug dealers or something. I mean, they
:10:09. > :10:13.didn't catch them doing anything, because it turns out penguins are
:10:13. > :10:16.basically innocent and just sort of walk around on the beach, think
:10:16. > :10:21.being fish but if he had of been criminals, that would have been it.
:10:21. > :10:27.The police could use those penguins to like infiltrate gangs or put
:10:27. > :10:30.laser guns in their beaks and use them to kill paedophiles. The robot
:10:30. > :10:33.penguin is clever, but it is dangerous, messing with nature like
:10:33. > :10:39.that. A are bot penguin can't be killed. Even when you think it is
:10:39. > :10:44.going to die it, comes back to life, like Term naitor. It's terrifying,
:10:44. > :10:48.really. It's really cruel to leave the robot penguin. He will just be
:10:48. > :10:54.alive forever, walking the Earth, watching all the new penguin
:10:54. > :10:57.friends he has made, get old and die. He can't cry. They didn't give
:10:57. > :11:07.it tear ducts. He'll have to shuffle around alone forever. I
:11:07. > :11:11.don't think I can bear think being it, to be honest.
:11:11. > :11:17.Publications nain a series of disturbing ads, tranquil lunch
:11:17. > :11:22.breaks are interrupted by the invasion of a cheerful oak tree.
:11:22. > :11:28.Hiya. What due think of the stories in this week's Take A Break.
:11:28. > :11:33.know what I think. Haven't you lot got to go back to wofrpblgts Nah.
:11:33. > :11:36.That's British industry. It seems no lunch break is safe from Mel's
:11:36. > :11:42.weekly inspections. What do you think of the stories in this week's
:11:42. > :11:47.Take A Break? All depressing, about death and disease. Hiia. Hiia.
:11:47. > :11:52.do you think of the stories in this week's Take A Break. I don't know
:11:52. > :11:56.any more. Haven't you lot got to go back to work. A of recent tragedies
:11:56. > :12:00.in America left many there calling for stricter gun controls. Mass
:12:00. > :12:05.shootings are commonplace they've genuinely started to make public
:12:05. > :12:12.information films on how to survive a Miss Kerr in the workplace. This
:12:12. > :12:19.is genuine. -- a massacre. It may feel like just another day
:12:19. > :12:23.at the office. But occasionally, life feels more
:12:24. > :12:27.like an action movie than reality. This helpful video, which looks a
:12:27. > :12:32.bit like the most harrowing episode of the American Office ever made,
:12:32. > :12:36.teaches you how to react if a man with a shotgun goes berserk in your
:12:36. > :12:42.work place. Apparently you should run, if you can't, you should hide.
:12:42. > :12:47.If you can't hide, well...... commit to taking the shooter down,
:12:47. > :12:52.no matter what. Disgrisful. Look, four of them and only one of thim.
:12:52. > :13:02.-- disgraceful. Cowards. It is little wonder the controls for
:13:02. > :13:03.
:13:03. > :13:12.tighter gun controls are getting louder. It has livened up Piers
:13:12. > :13:17.Morgan's show considerably as progun fans. It has become like a
:13:17. > :13:22.gym show where the viewer has to decide hot biggest prick is? Is it
:13:22. > :13:26.the shouty or slimy? I don't know. It also covered pro-gun control
:13:26. > :13:30.marches. We will not step back. wish you would, I can hear from you
:13:30. > :13:33.here. I'm in Britain. Gun control face an uphill drug strugle because
:13:33. > :13:43.some sections of US society seem to love guns more than their own
:13:43. > :13:50.children and they feel under threat. If only gun own hers some means of
:13:50. > :13:59.defending themselves Fox News did their bit, with a QVC style show,
:13:59. > :14:03.with this hot woman showcasing the guns. This is the most popular one,
:14:03. > :14:09.probably because of the media attention. I don't know the media
:14:09. > :14:12.has made it popular with everyone. It is big and scary but these are
:14:12. > :14:17.cosmetic features. They have no functions on the firearm. Although
:14:17. > :14:20.they will kill you. My five-year- old invest few harvested his first
:14:20. > :14:25.deer with my competition rifle. -- nephew.
:14:25. > :14:30.! There you go, so simple a child can use it. The young guns do start
:14:30. > :14:38.young in the US and their guns aren't quite so cosmetically
:14:38. > :14:45.terrifying as Five News demonstrated. This is Pinky, it is
:14:45. > :14:52.my pink 22 15 AR. And this is Pinkilicious. Not all
:14:52. > :14:55.kids like guns. Obama launched his plans for gun control flanked by
:14:55. > :14:59.children who asked him to do something. In a letter that Julia
:14:59. > :15:07.wrote me, she said "I know that laws have to be passed by Congress,
:15:07. > :15:16.but I beg to you try very hard...." Julia, I will try very hard.
:15:16. > :15:20.brave mood, resstrect the Jim 'll Fiction It form at in this day and
:15:20. > :15:26.age. With all the guns around it is a
:15:26. > :15:32.wonder anyone would like to live there. Doug stand hope will try to
:15:32. > :15:35.convince you that America is great. I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I
:15:36. > :15:40.drink. America is fucking great. It really is. I know you don't want to
:15:40. > :15:43.hear that from me. That's the truth. It really. Brits love to bitch
:15:43. > :15:47.about America and they love to hate it. The Government and wars and
:15:47. > :15:51.torture. But that's in the life here. Life in America is fan
:15:51. > :15:55.tastyik. Everything works. Come here, I want you to be here. Get a
:15:56. > :15:58.non-stop from Heathrow. Go directly to Florida. Walk down that ramp and
:15:58. > :16:04.tell me if you can't immediately sense something is really good here.
:16:04. > :16:10.Rent a car, get a convert I will. Fill up the tank. Look at the price.
:16:10. > :16:14.-- convertible. Fucking $11 over there. You are going to fill up
:16:14. > :16:17.your tang and the back seat because it is that fucking cheap
:16:17. > :16:23.comparatively. Drive down big, empty highways, drive to the beach.
:16:23. > :16:26.There will be half a dozen Cabana bars open. It is only 8.00am. They
:16:26. > :16:30.are waving at you, they are smiling at you and they are waving for you
:16:30. > :16:34.to come on. In they want you to be there. Because they don't know, yet,
:16:34. > :16:40.that you don't tip. Come on in. Come on in.
:16:40. > :16:43.Have a seat at the bar. She is going to hand awe big breakfast
:16:43. > :16:47.menu. You know what we have for traditional American breakfast.
:16:47. > :16:52.Choices. Yeah, lots of choice. You want some agencies, how do you want
:16:52. > :16:57.them? We can do them ten ways. French, toast, waffles, pancakes,
:16:57. > :17:01.we have chocolate chip. They'll put a whipped cream smiley face for
:17:01. > :17:05.your fucking British ass or maybe you want a whipped cream frowny
:17:05. > :17:09.face to match that dour expression. We're still trying to fight liking
:17:09. > :17:12.it here. Order a kk tail. She is going to d something you have never
:17:12. > :17:16.seen before. -- cocktail. She's going to pour it up and down and
:17:16. > :17:21.she keeps pouring it. How can this possibly be right? In the UK when
:17:21. > :17:26.you order a mixed drink some scientist pops out of the
:17:26. > :17:30.floorboards. The lab coat and he has a system of weights and
:17:30. > :17:35.measures and a fucking stainless steel cylinder that assures that
:17:35. > :17:39.you will not get any more. Even the vapours of more than one measured
:17:39. > :17:43.ounce in your fucking $15 cocktail. Life here is really fucking good.
:17:43. > :17:47.Yeah we have a lot of dumb people here, but you can afford to be dumb
:17:47. > :17:53.here. Everything makes sense. You are lost, you don't know where you
:17:53. > :17:57.are. Where are you? 77th street? Go a block, you know what's next, 28th
:17:57. > :18:02.street. It makes sense. You don't have to think. It is not like your
:18:02. > :18:06.can roads, they are all criss- crossed and mish mashed and built
:18:06. > :18:12.1100 years ago for donkeys and carts and you don't know where you
:18:12. > :18:16.are or where you are going. Hitler did his blest to leflt UK and --
:18:16. > :18:21.his best to level the UK flat so they could start over like extreme
:18:21. > :18:25.country makeover. And what did the Brits do? They spat in Hitler's
:18:25. > :18:29.face and built it back, brick-by- brick, exactly the way it was 1100
:18:29. > :18:32.years ago when it didn't make sense. Come to Americans you can stay on
:18:32. > :18:39.my couch. If you don't like it after a week I'll give you your
:18:39. > :18:44.money back. YAWNS.
:18:45. > :18:48.I wondwhaer is going on in the world. -- I wonder what? Our main
:18:48. > :18:58.story is at least one meteor has come down in central London,
:18:58. > :19:00.
:19:00. > :19:06.injured more than 500 people. What? Oh my God! Oh! Oh!
:19:06. > :19:09.Forgive me, I think I probably scared lots of people by saying
:19:09. > :19:16.central London. Central Russia. Thank God depor that. It is only
:19:16. > :19:22.Russia. In a series of jaw-dropping not to mention pant-broung images,
:19:22. > :19:25.God almighty tossed a rock at the earth which resembled a celestial
:19:25. > :19:28.game of angry birds. It was great for News Channels
:19:28. > :19:33.which had been training for the end of the world for ages.
:19:33. > :19:38.Now had a dry-run. It disrupted otherwise charming
:19:38. > :19:42.school lessons and injured hundreds but most importantly looked amazing
:19:42. > :19:46.on TV. Giving the meteor story extra teeth a massive asteroid was
:19:46. > :19:53.also headed for Earth and the skintists promising it wouldn't hit
:19:53. > :20:03.it, were the skaim one who isn't seen the Russian meteor. The One
:20:03. > :20:12.Show put a collision clock on screen so you could count down.
:20:12. > :20:17.Three, two, one... Oh, (BEEP), (BEEP)ing life continues.
:20:17. > :20:22.Defecation and Andrex send an enthusiastic dawn Porter around the
:20:22. > :20:26.world to foist damp bog roll on people. I'm here it talk about
:20:26. > :20:32.wiping buts. Fizzy Dawn drags her victims into a trailer and invites
:20:32. > :20:38.them to plop and wipe. How was it? OK. Give it ten minutes, if I were
:20:38. > :20:45.you. Not as moist as I thought. What have you been eating, horse?
:20:45. > :20:50.Not enough, for some mad reason, Andrex wants to conduct a national
:20:50. > :20:55.conversation about asking whether we fold or scrunch the paper.
:20:55. > :20:59.be square, scrunch. Be fabulous, fold.
:20:59. > :21:06.Scrunch like me, number three. can't wait for the next when when
:21:06. > :21:09.they ask if you ever got a bit of shit on your fingers by accident
:21:09. > :21:15.while wiping your arse. First it will's be how do you wipe, then it
:21:15. > :21:19.will be, can I watch you do it and before you know it, they'll be
:21:19. > :21:26.watch under a glass coffee table and filming it. When I ate a burger
:21:26. > :21:31.I used to think what a tasty compacted disk of mince blasted off
:21:31. > :21:37.a cow carcass, from simple beasts dying from a single gunshot to the
:21:37. > :21:46.forehead. Now it turns it may not have been that appetising. Good
:21:46. > :21:51.evening, supermarket shelves are being cleared off -- of some
:21:51. > :21:57.burgers tonight when it has been revealed some have contained horse.
:21:57. > :22:04.Many of us don't want to eat horse. We are not Barbarians, although
:22:05. > :22:07.Barbarians are precisely the people that Tesco want to chose products
:22:07. > :22:10.for their customers. You can't trust cone an here to possibly tell
:22:10. > :22:15.the difference between a cow and a horse. Look, he probably thinks
:22:15. > :22:20.that avery cad yo is a drg yon's egg. You never know what weird
:22:20. > :22:26.mash-up good you will get in Tesco. Those were probably laid by a horse.
:22:26. > :22:30.That melon was probably pig guts. (BEEP) knows how you make tiger
:22:30. > :22:34.loaf. It was also revealed that halal can take an insulting amount
:22:34. > :22:40.of meat. The steady gallop of nasty food
:22:40. > :22:45.stories was about to become a stampede as the top story basically
:22:45. > :22:49.became... The horsemeat scandal deepen, Findus lasagnes have been
:22:49. > :22:53.found contain up to 100% horsemeat. 100% horsemeat. That is a complet
:22:53. > :22:59.mare. By now the revelations were piling up like mangled horses at
:22:59. > :23:04.beechers brook and the news was full of more pink meaty glistening
:23:04. > :23:09.close-up shots than a year's subscription to Penthouse, and
:23:09. > :23:14.members of the public discovering they may have eaten horse.
:23:14. > :23:18.alley Green beef lasagne was a teatime favourite, not any more.
:23:18. > :23:22.Will you be eating any more? Definitely not. You will miss out
:23:22. > :23:27.on this gourmet experience, let's not be too hastey. I bet your mouth
:23:28. > :23:31.is watering at home. To discuss the grim scandal, sky
:23:31. > :23:35.paraded a paddockful of food experts. Some did their best to
:23:35. > :23:38.lighten the distregs news by describing the crisis in the voice
:23:38. > :23:43.of Rony Corbett What is supposed to happen is that the supermarket
:23:43. > :23:47.checks on your behalf. Supermarkets are experts in food. He may sound
:23:47. > :23:52.funny but he really knows the food chain. You talk about the food
:23:52. > :23:57.chain. At one end meat comes out and cows normally go in. But
:23:57. > :24:00.somewhere in the food chain, horses came in and meat came out. This guy
:24:00. > :24:04.is good. This whole thing has been a PR
:24:04. > :24:08.disaster for Findus, which is a shame because their lasagnes always
:24:08. > :24:12.look really nice in the lovingly- shot adverts. Look at that, no
:24:12. > :24:17.hooves sticking out or anything. That's it son, eat your horse.
:24:17. > :24:22.Giddy up. In the pre-horsemeat scandal days Findus used to reason
:24:22. > :24:29.an impressively chic advert for their gourmet range, created by a
:24:29. > :24:33.suave French chef. Candles, wine and the secret weapons A recipe for
:24:33. > :24:36.Jean-Christophe Novelli himself. used to be the credible face,
:24:36. > :24:42.prepping the food in a notably horseless kitsch yeb. I wonder if
:24:42. > :24:46.he has used horse? I'm sure if he has, it would only be the finest
:24:46. > :24:50.Parisian quality. Created by me. And ridden by jockeys. We have been
:24:50. > :24:54.asked to point out that Jean- Christophe Novelli has no way been
:24:54. > :24:58.implicated in the horsemeat scandal. Thanks to television we have become
:24:58. > :25:04.accustomed to food being prepared in picturesque kitchens like this,
:25:04. > :25:08.where as Kie News depicted, they are made in places like this.
:25:08. > :25:12.Rather than fin du, they are manufactured by Comigel who supply
:25:12. > :25:16.frozen dead animal gobble pots for companies all over yuefrplt the
:25:16. > :25:23.trail of suspect meat being detailed on the news like a map
:25:23. > :25:33.from the the Invasion of Horse Eaters. Thanks to what we have seen,
:25:33. > :25:34.
:25:34. > :25:41.it is feeling uncomfortably close to the epic so I lent Green.
:25:41. > :25:44.-- so I lent Green. -- Soylent Green. The humble
:25:44. > :25:51.blackberry has had it heart with problems denting its popularity
:25:51. > :25:56.where as Sky News pointed it out, its own users tried to kill it with
:25:56. > :26:00.haerms. It took about a month of bashing to break it up. Now they
:26:00. > :26:05.were temping to revive their fortunes with an informtive and
:26:05. > :26:09.exciting relaunch. They are repalatial the outmoded pocket type
:26:09. > :26:13.writers on something which looks like an iPhone, but isn't, and
:26:14. > :26:19.another thing that looks like a blackberry and is. Aren't they
:26:19. > :26:24.beautiful. It now has a new global creative director. She is
:26:24. > :26:28.blackberry's new global creative director, please welcome, Mrs
:26:28. > :26:31.Alicia Keys. Yes, they have signed her because playing the pee an yes
:26:31. > :26:36.and wearing hats are key business skills and not because the CEO
:26:36. > :26:39.wanted an excuse to get off with her on stage? What is odd is she is
:26:39. > :26:43.actually a big apple fan. She did a whole song about New York? The only
:26:43. > :26:48.thing Alicia Keys has to do with blackberry, is she's black and
:26:48. > :26:54.wears a beret. And you wonder if she's ever really going to work
:26:54. > :26:57.I'll see you in the office. Monday 8.00am. There was this amazing
:26:57. > :27:02.programme about Africa, all about this country called Africa. Which
:27:02. > :27:05.is why they called it that. There were all these charity things
:27:05. > :27:09.saying Africa is full of starving people and you should send them
:27:09. > :27:12.their money. That must be a con because you can see no-one lives
:27:12. > :27:17.there. It flies over for ages and there is no-one there. The reason
:27:17. > :27:21.no-one is there, is it is full of monsters. There is like sort of
:27:21. > :27:26.hairy men monsters and tall horse monsters that run around like
:27:26. > :27:29.deckchaivers would have, and vagina-head monsters that fight in
:27:30. > :27:34.ponds. It's frightening. Normally animals are in zoos, where people
:27:34. > :27:39.give them a sences of purpose by throwing nuts at them and watching
:27:39. > :27:46.them do tricks. -- a sense of purpose. Because there's no people
:27:46. > :27:52.left in Africa, the animals have gone mad. The elephants attack each
:27:52. > :27:57.other with their mouth particulars and tall horse monsters, look like
:27:57. > :28:01.they are filming rocky. There was a monkey and his bum was a state. It
:28:01. > :28:05.looked like he had been sheeting metal hexagons. But there are no
:28:05. > :28:08.doctors, so he had to walk around with it like that. It is so bleak.
:28:08. > :28:13.You can tell the animals are depressed. Some of them are just
:28:13. > :28:17.smashing stuff up. Some of them can't eat any more. Some of them
:28:18. > :28:22.can't hack it, so just lie around. This was this gazelle that had hung
:28:22. > :28:27.itself. It showed you amazing things you didn't know. How
:28:27. > :28:31.gazelles could float and how baby ostriches dance to music and how
:28:31. > :28:38.when a cricket falls on the floor it makes a massive noise, like it
:28:38. > :28:42.is made of metal.! Just like Who Framed Roger Rabbit had cartoons,
:28:42. > :28:47.this had all the famous animals together, so their personalities
:28:47. > :28:50.clash. In the jungle, like I'm A Celebrity. And they eat horrible
:28:50. > :28:53.things, too, just like I'm A Celebrity but they don't mind if
:28:53. > :28:57.they taste of animals, bus they are already animals so, they can't
:28:57. > :29:01.taste it. They nicked all this other stuff from reality shows.
:29:01. > :29:06.Like, they have infra-red night camera, like on Big Brother, so you
:29:06. > :29:11.can see what they do at nit when they have been drinking. -- at
:29:11. > :29:14.night. He may have style but he is turning out to be something of a
:29:14. > :29:19.disappointment. It's incredible what you learn. I discovered no
:29:20. > :29:24.matter how majestic and incredible nature is, if my phone beeps, ig
:29:24. > :29:34.ignore Africa and check my texts without thinking: really, if the
:29:34. > :29:47.
:29:47. > :29:51.environment goes to shit and all It is no wonder I'm getting grey.
:29:51. > :29:56.Grey, you are black and white? still looks like Kate. It would be