0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker, and you're watching Weekly Wipe,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26a programme all about things that are happening.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Things like this...
0:00:27 > 0:00:30Britain angers Neptune, god of the sea.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Turns out Britannia might not rule the waves after all.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Snazzily-directed detective show Sherlock returned.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Some viewers were left confused as to why Sherlock didn't die
0:00:39 > 0:00:41at the end of the previous series.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Well, the simple answer is, he was recommissioned.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Meanwhile, a freak polar vortex in America
0:00:46 > 0:00:48has created some astonishing images.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Critics are praising this charming Broadway production of The Snowman.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55But we start with Britain. Britain's brilliant, isn't it?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58It's got everything, it's got Paddington Bear and Stonehenge
0:00:58 > 0:01:00and regular bin collections...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03But all of this hangs in the balance, thanks to immigration,
0:01:03 > 0:01:04which is out of control.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07These days everywhere you look there's a Polski Sklep
0:01:07 > 0:01:09selling weird foreign food, like eggs.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11What the hell is an egg? Well, no more.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12Britain is full,
0:01:12 > 0:01:15and we need to keep an eye on anyone new who wants to come here.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18Which is why it's helpful that for over a year the news has kept us
0:01:18 > 0:01:21informed of the imminent threat of inbound Romanians
0:01:21 > 0:01:24and Bulgarians set to flood the country once EU restrictions
0:01:24 > 0:01:28were lifted on New Year's Day. But who exactly are these people?
0:01:28 > 0:01:29First, Bulgarians.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Bulgarians, as a series of eye-opening reports made
0:01:32 > 0:01:36devilishly clear, live in a kind of medieval realm twinned with
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Game Of Thrones, consisting entirely of horses and carts
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and people lugging giant sacks around,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44like they were in a live recreation of a Breughel painting.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Their world isn't entirely backward -
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I mean, they do have, say, cars -
0:01:48 > 0:01:49but only shit ones.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51In fact, as Channel 4's footage made clear,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Bulgaria's a kind of open-air shit car museum, where the only
0:01:54 > 0:01:58form of entertainment is driving over the nation's one speed bump.
0:01:58 > 0:01:59Romania, meanwhile,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02is apparently also a medieval Game Of Thrones Breughel-painting
0:02:02 > 0:02:05squalor-pot, according to this news footage,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07apparently beamed live from the year 1386.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10The news certainly painted a graphic picture of deprivation
0:02:10 > 0:02:13and hot horse-on-cart action.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16I mean, look at this bleak existence, no utilities,
0:02:16 > 0:02:19squalid conditions, people lugging sacks around everywhere.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21And the only way to get about is on horseback.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22They'd be better off in Britain.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Little wonder a tidal wave of immigrants was predicted by some,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28and it didn't seem they were going to be welcomed with open arms.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's hard to shake the suspicion that much of the hostility
0:02:30 > 0:02:33towards immigrants who haven't even migrated yet might have
0:02:33 > 0:02:35something to do with the level-headed, non-judgmental
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and factually watertight reporting surrounding the issue.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Some of the language about floods and swarms is reminiscent
0:02:41 > 0:02:45of dehumanising, anti-Semitic Nazi propaganda likening Jews to rats.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48They are cunning, cowardly and cruel.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And usually appear in massive hoards.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53And when not being compared with vermin,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55they're routinely painted as scroungers or criminals.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Many Romanians were unimpressed with the coverage
0:02:57 > 0:02:59and tried to redress the balance.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Sky News found an articulate Romanian barrister who
0:03:01 > 0:03:04pointed out Romanians have been allowed to work here
0:03:04 > 0:03:07since 2007, and apparently aren't all thieves.
0:03:07 > 0:03:13I know lots of doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers like myself.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17We have integrated in this wonderful country,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19and we have been contributing.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Yeah, whatever. Come on, turn your pockets out!
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Even statistics showing immigrants contribute more than
0:03:23 > 0:03:26they take don't help, because, as the news demonstrated,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28statistics don't really mean much to most people.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30If you read the statistics,
0:03:30 > 0:03:35most of the Romanians who are here have got jobs, are doing well...
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Living here, it's... The statistics can't be right.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41And when people aren't doubting statistics,
0:03:41 > 0:03:42they just make them up on their own.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44The majority are here to claim their benefits, innit?
0:03:44 > 0:03:47- You think the majority are here to claim benefits?- Yeah, the majority.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Yeah, definitely. - So you want to see a clamp down.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Big time!
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Given the nature of the news coverage,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55you'd think the Romanians would be rubbing their hands together,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57looking at the clock and booking their tickets.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59But weirdly, as some reporters pointed out,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01they're just not that into us.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Having spoken to people here, it's clear that contrary to popular myth,
0:04:05 > 0:04:09Romanians have no wish to go to the UK to live on benefits.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Yeah, I know, I read about it in the paper.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13They can't wait to come here and STEAL from us.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14Just listen to them.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16"I would never leave my country," this woman says.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18"For what? I'm a patriot."
0:04:18 > 0:04:20Give me back my wallet.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24What would be the pint of leaving Romania just for social benefits?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Yeah, whatever. Have you got a receipt for those kids?
0:04:26 > 0:04:30I make my money here, I have my family here and my friends here.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I feel at home here, I would never go.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You lying thief.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Even their own officials denied they wanted to come here.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42I can see at least one factor that makes the UK far less attractive,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44and that's certainly the weather.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47What? How dare you? What's wrong with our weather?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51More disruption and misery after powerful gales
0:04:51 > 0:04:54and heavy rainfall hit the UK for the second time this week.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yes, in an apparent bid to scare off the great Eastern European invasion
0:04:57 > 0:05:00scheduled for New Year's Day when the floodgates would open,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Britain's weather spent much of Christmas demonstrating what it
0:05:03 > 0:05:05would look like if there were no floodgates at all.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Suddenly there was an intense sense of deja vu
0:05:07 > 0:05:08about some of the coverage.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Look at this bleak existence - no utilities,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14squalid conditions, people lugging sacks around everywhere
0:05:14 > 0:05:16and the only way to get about is on horseback.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18They'd be better off in Romania.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21As New Year's Day arrived, the press pulled out all the stops
0:05:21 > 0:05:23to welcome the expected horde of newcomers,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26while in a last-ditch attempt to put anyone attempting
0:05:26 > 0:05:28to enter the country, the Government stationed MP
0:05:28 > 0:05:31and publicity tag nut Keith Vaz at Luton Airport.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33In fact, as Sky News clearly proved
0:05:33 > 0:05:35when the much anticipated planeload of Romanians arrived,
0:05:35 > 0:05:37it turned out most of them already worked here.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But the news did find at least one new Romanian.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42This guy, Viktor, who'd come to get a job washing cars
0:05:42 > 0:05:45while wearing a green hat.
0:05:45 > 0:05:50I don't come to rob your country, I come to work and you open the border.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51I hope you've paid for that hat.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55Ironically, while Viktor the one-man horde flooded Britain
0:05:55 > 0:05:57and bravely withstood a coffee with Keith Vaz,
0:05:57 > 0:05:59there were more British newcomers working in Romania
0:05:59 > 0:06:02as reporters than new Romanians in Britain.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Anyway, now the country is ruined.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I miss the traditional British way of life, you know,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09before we had the Bulgarians and Romanians and the Polish
0:06:09 > 0:06:12and the Russians and the Australians and the Kurdish and the Turkish
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and the Bengalis and the Pakistanis
0:06:15 > 0:06:17and the Indians and the West Indians and the Africans
0:06:17 > 0:06:20and the Huguenots and the Jews and the Normans and the Vikings
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and the Angles and Saxons and the Romans and the Jutes and those
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- bloody Celts who were first in the door, the foreign- BLEEP- idiots.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29It's been downhill ever since.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Still, who cares what I think about immigration.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Let's ask a foreigner, specifically US comedian and shambles,
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Doug Stanhope.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Here's his view.
0:06:38 > 0:06:39ROUSING MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:44 > 0:06:49I'm Doug Stanhope and that's why I drink.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54Immigration, again, really? Who is it this time?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58The Bulgarians are coming, the Bulgarians are coming,
0:06:58 > 0:07:02bar the door and lock up the wives and hide the children and put your
0:07:02 > 0:07:05pants on backwards so they don't get their mitts in your zipper.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08You know what? Honestly, I was surprised to find out
0:07:08 > 0:07:12the UK even had immigration laws of any kind.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16As shitty and miserable and dire an existence as you live,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20you think you'd welcome anyone willing to live there with open arms
0:07:20 > 0:07:23and ask them stories about the outside world.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26All the stereotypes you hear about immigration are always,
0:07:26 > 0:07:31"Oh, they're lazy and they steal and they don't speak the language,"
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and then they turn around and go, "And they're stealing our jobs."
0:07:34 > 0:07:37"Hey, Kevin, we'd like to keep you on, you've been great,
0:07:37 > 0:07:42"but we've just found a slovenly, illiterate thief
0:07:42 > 0:07:46"and we think he might do a little bit better than you,
0:07:46 > 0:07:47"so you got to go."
0:07:48 > 0:07:52Besides, I thought the Polish people already stole all your jobs, so maybe
0:07:52 > 0:07:55the Bulgarians are just going to come in and steal Polish jobs,
0:07:55 > 0:07:57so you can relax.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01In the States, when we say immigrant, it's just another word for Mexican.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03We live on the border of Bisbee.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06We see the fucking border patrol hustling all these guys up,
0:08:06 > 0:08:0911 at a time, coming out of Ford Tempo
0:08:09 > 0:08:11like a fucking clown car.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15After wandering the desert for six days and they just get over,
0:08:15 > 0:08:17and they're dehydrated and filthy.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Yeah, you're probably right, they don't speak the language
0:08:21 > 0:08:23and they probably have minimal education
0:08:23 > 0:08:28and if that guy can show up like that as qualified for your job
0:08:28 > 0:08:32as you are, you're a fucking loser
0:08:32 > 0:08:35of such dynamic proportions,
0:08:35 > 0:08:36I would be
0:08:36 > 0:08:42ashamed and humiliated if anyone found out that guy just took my job.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46How simple and menial a job do you have
0:08:46 > 0:08:50where they can do the job training in pantomime?
0:08:50 > 0:08:53"Here, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank?"
0:08:53 > 0:08:57"Oh, si, crank, crank, crank, crank, crank." "Yeah, you got it."
0:08:57 > 0:09:00"Can you go...?"
0:09:00 > 0:09:02"Oh, no, no, you go..."
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Yes, you're hired."
0:09:05 > 0:09:07You never hear people with legitimate skill sets
0:09:07 > 0:09:10complaining about immigrants taking their jobs.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14You don't hear brain surgeons sitting round the Beverly Hills Hotel
0:09:14 > 0:09:17lounge going, "You know what chaps my arse, Patrick?
0:09:17 > 0:09:22"These fucking Guatemalans come up here. Don't speak the language,
0:09:22 > 0:09:28"they steal all of our neurosurgery positions.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Let's go thunder down some Jack Daniels
0:09:31 > 0:09:34"and put on our steel-toed boots
0:09:34 > 0:09:38"and go out tonight, stomping Guats, what do you say?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:39And the Romanians.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42You see, I don't even think that one's a real country.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45It's like from a fable or something.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55Reality and grisly prick observation chamber Celebrity Big Brother
0:09:55 > 0:09:58kicked off once again with a star-studded line-up.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00This year's twist saw faded celebrities handcuffed
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and incarcerated in front of a jeering crowd,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05a gimmick they've stolen from Operation Yewtree.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10This year's housemates include Judy Finnigan and Philip Seymour Hoffman.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13A Bratislavian prince from a 1920s silent film,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Madeleine the rag doll, a young David Hasselhoff,
0:10:16 > 0:10:20an old David Hasselhoff, some atoms in the shape of a woman,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23thingy off thingamajig, Dorian Gray and his picture,
0:10:23 > 0:10:27a typical American, businesswoman of the year and Jennifer Aniston.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Highlights thus far include Dappy's surprisingly successful
0:10:30 > 0:10:33mating ritual, which has echoes of Hannibal Lecter.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Mmm...
0:10:34 > 0:10:36It's too early to saw which ones are worth hating
0:10:36 > 0:10:38and which ones aren't worth hating yet,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41so you're best off hating all of them and then retrospectively
0:10:41 > 0:10:43withdrawing some of that hate
0:10:43 > 0:10:45if they break down or die or piss in Dappy's cornflakes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Food! And with the horse meat scandal behind us,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57the new year got off to a grizzly start as a Chinese branch of Walmart
0:10:57 > 0:11:00discovered its donkey meat was tainted with fox.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03These days you just don't know what the fox you're eating.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05The sad news was expertly reported on the slightly odd
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Blue Ocean Network, anchored by the world's first Lego human.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12A man that bought a package of what he thought was donkey meat
0:11:12 > 0:11:16at a local Walmart turned out to be fox meat instead.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Talk about Fox News!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21The report rounded off with a helpful Jamie Oliver-style
0:11:21 > 0:11:23austerity cooking tip.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27To be on the safe side, boil fox meat with spices before consuming.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And to be on the really safe side, throw it away.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31Still, if you think fox meat's bad,
0:11:31 > 0:11:35what about the North Korean scandal where dog food has reportedly
0:11:35 > 0:11:38been found to contain traces of uncle meat.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40You know, it was this sort of nature show about dolphins.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It was just like a normal natural history programme,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45but set underwater.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Sort of like Finding Nemo, but if fish were real.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Dolphins live downstairs where the sea is,
0:11:51 > 0:11:55and the programme was really clever because they'd filmed it underwater
0:11:55 > 0:11:57using magic robot animals.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00It was like a game where you had to guess which things were
0:12:00 > 0:12:03the real sea animals and which were the robot animals,
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and sometimes it was like an advert for robots, you know?
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Spy Dolphin reaches 50mph and also has HD cameras for eyes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16The thing is, the robot sea animals were so sophisticated,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19they were loads more interesting than the real sea animals,
0:12:19 > 0:12:21so some of the real sea animals got jealous
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and attacked the robot sea animals.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29It was like a war between robots and the sea,
0:12:29 > 0:12:32which is something I didn't expect to see in my lifetime,
0:12:32 > 0:12:33if I'm honest.
0:12:33 > 0:12:38But then I was surprised when wi-fi came out, so maybe that's just me.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40It told you all this stuff you didn't know, like the dolphins
0:12:40 > 0:12:44talk by making noises like a squeaky floorboard,
0:12:44 > 0:12:46which gets on your tits after about six seconds.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51Usually dolphins are pretty,
0:12:51 > 0:12:55which is why unhappy people have big posters of dolphins
0:12:55 > 0:12:56jumping over sunsets on their walls
0:12:56 > 0:13:00with slogans that pretend life's worth living printed on them.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04But in this, because the dolphins didn't know the cameras were there,
0:13:04 > 0:13:07they were filmed from all these unflattering angles.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11So you saw that dolphins are actually sort of ugly.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Like a grey undersea pig.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You wouldn't want that on your wall.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18The thing is, it was really magical
0:13:18 > 0:13:21and fascinating with all this incredible footage of dolphins
0:13:21 > 0:13:24jumping in the air, and you're like, "That's amazing," you know.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27And then they're jumping in the air again and you're still amazed,
0:13:27 > 0:13:28but not as much.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31And then they jump and spin at the same time, and you're like,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"OK, that's clever. That is clever."
0:13:33 > 0:13:36And then they jump and spin again and you're like, "Do something else."
0:13:36 > 0:13:39But they don't. They just keep jumping and spinning
0:13:39 > 0:13:42and jumping and spinning, and just landing back in the sea.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45And they don't stop doing it, it's all they do. Fucking dolphins!
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Fuck 'em! And fuck everyone who likes them!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49If dolphins are the best thing the ocean's got to offer,
0:13:49 > 0:13:52they might as well concrete over the sea.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55EastEnders, the BBC's expertly realised ongoing simulation
0:13:55 > 0:13:58of what London might look like if human beings spoke
0:13:58 > 0:14:01and behaved in unrealistic ways, has been facing a crisis.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Viewers were turning away in droves, even though
0:14:03 > 0:14:04no-one knows what a drove is.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It's not quite clear why people haven't been enjoying this tale
0:14:07 > 0:14:10of downtrodden proletarians suffering endless miseries
0:14:10 > 0:14:12beneath a battleship-grey sky.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15It can't be the fault of the richly-drawn characters
0:14:15 > 0:14:17like Purple Ronnie here, or Ian, or Kat,
0:14:17 > 0:14:21or Ian, or Dot, or Ian or, I don't know, who's that? Colin?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25Or the bald one, or the other bald one, or the sort of newer bald one.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Actually, there's so many bald heads in it it's like watching
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Finding Chemo. Seriously, when two of them meet,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32they must think they're looking in a mirror.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Anyway, now there's a new boss driving the East End bus
0:14:34 > 0:14:38and the square's being sexed up, literally, with some mature erotica.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40They've paired Phil Mitchell up with Sharon again,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43which is good news for anyone who's ever wondered what it might
0:14:43 > 0:14:45look like if scientists made a woman mate with a giant thumb,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and bad news for anyone who doesn't want to witness his delighted
0:14:48 > 0:14:50post-coital gasping.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54HE SIGHS
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Just like old times, eh?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00"Oh, thanks for that, love.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03"Just going to go pat me dick dry on a tea cosy."
0:15:03 > 0:15:06But these thrilling developments were nothing compared to the news
0:15:06 > 0:15:09that Cockney actor Danny Dyer, the thinking man's Dick Van Dyke,
0:15:09 > 0:15:13was joining the Square to play the exotically named Mick Carter,
0:15:13 > 0:15:16a mystery wrapped in an enigma cocooned within a bloke.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Git Carter has purchased the Queen Vic,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21an iconic Walford landmark used for absorbing meaningful
0:15:21 > 0:15:23looks from characters as well as housing countless brooding
0:15:23 > 0:15:26grudges and impromptu shouting contests.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28What?!
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Maxie!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Swear down, touch me again and I'll rip your bits of!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Despite buying the Vic late in the afternoon
0:15:34 > 0:15:37on Christmas Day, Carter apparently had a licence to sell alcohol
0:15:37 > 0:15:38granted by the 27th,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41which makes Walford Council more efficient than the Nazis.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Contrary to popular opinion, Danny Dyer can act
0:15:44 > 0:15:46although he seemed uncertain at first,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50openly asking other cast members how he should perform each scene.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I was thinking, how do I play this?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Do I...try tears?
0:15:54 > 0:15:57I don't know, Danny, what does it say in the script?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59How am I going to tell Linda that tomorrow our little girl is
0:15:59 > 0:16:01getting married to a man we hate?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Oh, you are supposed to do it gruffly, apparently.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Dyer is surrounded by a supporting cast of Carters,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10including a wife who walks around in the street in curlers like
0:16:10 > 0:16:12she has just wandered out of Birds Of A Feather,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14a daughter who inexplicably dresses like she is in EMF,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16a son who is gay but won't talk about it,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19and a sister who's gay but won't talk about anything else.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22Right, that is it, I am splitting the room, building a les-zanine.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24No-one is building a les-zanine.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Shirley there is Mick's other sister,
0:16:26 > 0:16:28and her sex life has been horrible
0:16:28 > 0:16:31because in the past she has also been filled in by the human thumb,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34hence their loaded glances, but then she is not picky.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It won't last, Shirley.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39You'll blow it. Just like you blow everything.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40And everyone.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42SHE VOMITS
0:16:42 > 0:16:43Nice.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Not all the language is that racy.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47In fact, most of the time there is no language at all
0:16:47 > 0:16:50because the inhabitants of Albert Square chiefly seem to
0:16:50 > 0:16:53communicate by staring mutely at each other in some sort of weird
0:16:53 > 0:16:55silent theatre of the mind.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04SHE SIGHS
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Prompt!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20To be fair, this is some of the best dialogue Albert Square has
0:17:20 > 0:17:21seen in years.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Anyway after a couple of episodes, something disturbing happened.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26The old soap osmosis kicks in.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Before long, I was caring about what happened to the characters.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Like Ian and bald man, and Kat and Alfie,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33and Ian and bald man two, and Ian again.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34But mainly, Danny Dyer.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37And then I realised that rather than watching EastEnders so I could
0:17:37 > 0:17:40laugh at Danny Dyer, I was watching EastEnders BECAUSE of Danny Dyer.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42He's a canny choice because of something weirdly
0:17:42 > 0:17:45watchable about him, no matter what blokey thing he is doing -
0:17:45 > 0:17:47whether he is picking up a bird,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50standing around looking hard or enjoying a steamy threesome.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Come on, then. There's a good girl.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- Come on.- Come on.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55- Come on.- Big jump.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Yeah.- Good girl.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You know, even if that dog joined in,
0:17:59 > 0:18:00it still wouldn't be as disturbing
0:18:00 > 0:18:04as that bit where Phil came out of the bed sheets all satiated
0:18:04 > 0:18:07like a manatee surfacing for air after a big underwater shit.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09PHIL SIGHS
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Urgh.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It's a big, bewildering world, isn't it?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15We're just trying to make sense of the damn thing, aren't we?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Well, yes, we are.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Well, here's someone who is trying harder than most.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21He's trying to make sense of everything from geopolitical
0:18:21 > 0:18:25tensions to Russell Brand, and he is called Limmy.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26This is Limmy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Hi. So I just started hearing Russell Brand getting mentioned everywhere.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37"I saw Brand, I saw Brand."
0:18:39 > 0:18:42"Russell Brand." So I checked it out and he's
0:18:42 > 0:18:46gone on about how we shouldn't bother voting because "what's the point?"
0:18:46 > 0:18:48And I thought, "Good on you."
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Then I thought, "No, hold on... Don't vote?"
0:18:55 > 0:18:57And just lot that walk straight in?
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Whose side is he on anyway?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Is he one of us or...
0:19:08 > 0:19:09..one of them?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13I mean...
0:19:13 > 0:19:14What's going on?
0:19:15 > 0:19:18So I tweeted him.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19"What's going on?"
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Nae reply.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26So I headed out because believe it or not I have bigger fish
0:19:26 > 0:19:27to fry than Russell Brand.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30I'm sending a video to the council about the state of the fences
0:19:30 > 0:19:32in Victoria Park, I don't know if you've seen them.
0:19:32 > 0:19:33Look at the state of that, look.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35It was there that I remembered Katy Perry.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Katy Perry.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37Katy Perry.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40'The ex-wife. She knows what is going on.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41It's all there in the lyrics.'
0:19:41 > 0:19:45"I see it all, I see it now and I'm wide awake wake-wake-wake."
0:19:45 > 0:19:48You can see that she is wanting to tell people but she knows that they
0:19:48 > 0:19:51are watching, she knows that he is watching so she is doing it
0:19:51 > 0:19:54in riddles and rhymes for the people who can work it out, like a code.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I sent her a code to tell her she can tell me, "I'm wide awake".
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Follow me, please, so I can DM you.
0:20:01 > 0:20:02Big fan.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Nae reply.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07And nae reply from the council either.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19The New Year began as it always does, with mankind declaring
0:20:19 > 0:20:22war on the sky, and exciting news reports of world leaders
0:20:22 > 0:20:24delivering inspiring words of hope
0:20:24 > 0:20:26in their thrilling New Year speeches.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28SPEAKS RUSSIAN
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Showing the world how New Year's Eve addresses should be done, the
0:20:36 > 0:20:38star of the North Korean remake of Game Of Thrones,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42Kim Jong-Joffrey, took to an outside ornamental tissue box with
0:20:42 > 0:20:44seven inset microphones to swap feel-good stories
0:20:44 > 0:20:46about executing your own uncle.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Back home, mechanical pri-minidroid David Camero-bot
0:20:49 > 0:20:51stood in the factory that made him to deliver
0:20:51 > 0:20:54an inspiring message of hope with a slightly distracting
0:20:54 > 0:20:57glistening chin like he had just been fellating the devil,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01which I am legally obliged to assure you, he hadn't.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04But he wasn't as worried about greasy chins as the prospect
0:21:04 > 0:21:05of Scottish independence.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08This year, let the message go out from England, Wales
0:21:08 > 0:21:11and Northern Ireland to everyone in Scotland.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13We want you to stay.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Yes, or to put it in terms you'd understand.
0:21:15 > 0:21:16Och aye the noo.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Please don't...gooo.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21On the other side of the ideological curtain,
0:21:21 > 0:21:25Labour's head firebrand Ed Miliband starred his own New Year's message,
0:21:25 > 0:21:27bits of which resembled Where's Wally.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29There he is, the sexy one.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Red Hot Ed was shown posing for snapshots with delighted
0:21:31 > 0:21:33members of the public who couldn't believe
0:21:33 > 0:21:36they'd met a future Prime Minister because they hadn't.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39And he articulated their angry voices in his own sort of dorky one.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42People are thinking, look, I have made the sacrifices,
0:21:42 > 0:21:43where is the benefit?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46The Government keeps telling me that everything is fixed.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48It doesn't seem fixed for me.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He is just like Nelson Mandela, isn't it?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Sadly irrelevant in 2014.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55It being a New Year, the mystery of time is on everyone's mind.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Well, to properly explore that mystery, you need an expert,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00and luckily, we have one in the form of our very own
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Philomena Cunk who will explore time for us and you
0:22:03 > 0:22:06in the first of her landmark mini documentary series,
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Moments Of Wonder.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Time is precious.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28Well, it's not like other precious things.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31You can't hold it's like a necklace
0:22:31 > 0:22:33or taste it like money.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Time has existed
0:22:39 > 0:22:42since before time began,
0:22:42 > 0:22:45and today, it is all around us.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46On our phones,
0:22:46 > 0:22:49in the corner of the news.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53But once upon a time, if you wanted the time, then you had to come
0:22:53 > 0:22:57here, to the headquarters of time.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Greenwich Clock Museum.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05All the clocks in the world are set from here,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07which must take ages.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11So, what is clocks?
0:23:11 > 0:23:16Clocks was invented by the ancient Mesopotamians
0:23:16 > 0:23:19in ancient Mesopotamian times.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23But they did not know it was ancient Mesopotamian times
0:23:23 > 0:23:27because there were no clocks to see what the times was.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Because of the shape of clocks,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36you might think that time goes in a circle.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38But it actually goes in a line.
0:23:38 > 0:23:42This is the famous Greenwich Marillion Line,
0:23:42 > 0:23:46named after the band Marillion, who were named after this line.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Every day that's ever happened starts exactly here,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54coming out of that time transmitter,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57and running along this metal line on the ground.
0:23:58 > 0:24:02That's why this is the only place in the world where
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I can be in the past and the future,
0:24:05 > 0:24:08with the present running right up through my middle bits.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14No wonder time is such a mystery.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18Literally, no-one can understand it apart from science men.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21One science man who knows all about time
0:24:21 > 0:24:23is this science man.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Hello, Science Man. Who are you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29I'm Dr Stuart Clark. I'm an astronomy writer
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and a Fellow of the Royal Astronomical Society.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33What is time?
0:24:33 > 0:24:35We don't actually know.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37There are a couple of possibilities.
0:24:37 > 0:24:42Either time could be a physical thing that flows like a river,
0:24:42 > 0:24:45or it could be more of a psychological thing...
0:24:45 > 0:24:48When you say it's like a river, what do you mean?
0:24:48 > 0:24:53I mean that time flows like the water in the river
0:24:53 > 0:24:55and that the events in our lives
0:24:55 > 0:24:58are like things in the river that that water encounters.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Like fish and stuff?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Yes.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06You know when you store time on a clock?
0:25:06 > 0:25:10How do you get it back out again?
0:25:10 > 0:25:13Because when I was winding my watch up,
0:25:13 > 0:25:17I accidentally put it forward,
0:25:17 > 0:25:21so I'd got two hours more in my clock.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24But then I put it back
0:25:24 > 0:25:27but I thought, "Is it still in there? Is the time still in the clock?"
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- So your watch doesn't actually measure time.- Well, it does.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- Cos it's... - It measures the oscillation
0:25:35 > 0:25:37of a crystal,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41and the change in the physical state of that crystal
0:25:41 > 0:25:45has to happen in what we call a certain amount of time.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47So, from one moment to another,
0:25:47 > 0:25:51physical systems everywhere in the universe changes its state,
0:25:51 > 0:25:55and that change takes place in what we call time,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59and that's the only way we can infer the existence of time,
0:25:59 > 0:26:04but actually, what time is... we don't know.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05Right.
0:26:05 > 0:26:10So even the people who understand time
0:26:10 > 0:26:12don't understand what time is.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15It'll always be an unknowable mystery,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17like why the seasons change
0:26:17 > 0:26:19or how a telephone works.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Next time, I'll be asking,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25"What are these?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"And why are they everywhere?"
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Gambling! And in a chilling online bingo advert,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40London is invaded by pop giant Mel B
0:26:40 > 0:26:43clomping through the streets like Godzilla-zig-ah,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46terrifying pedestrians with the biggest camel toe in history
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Not that it's that unusual a sight.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50The City is full of massive twats.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54Actually, I don't know why they've shown her playing bingo in the City.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56It's not a place anyone associates with huge destructive idiots
0:26:56 > 0:26:59mindlessly gambling and crushing the man on the street.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01She is massive.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You think I'm massive? Get a load of this jackpot!
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Looks like someone's sitting on a full house.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Bingo joke!
0:27:14 > 0:27:18Furniture! And in an alarming promo for a sofa and chair emporium,
0:27:18 > 0:27:21a woman enjoys a domestic date with a two-faced kind of fella.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24I got it for the design. And it's really comfy.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- That and the fact that we saved a bundle.- Would you like some popcorn?
0:27:28 > 0:27:32What's worrying is he comes across like he's suffering from a split personality disorder.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I like a man that's cost conscious.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35You can thank me later.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38Would you like me to take your coat?
0:27:38 > 0:27:40I'll wear your skin like a coat.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Breaks! With 2014 already proving too miserable to bother with,
0:27:49 > 0:27:53holiday companies are doing their best to make us temporarily emigrate
0:27:53 > 0:27:55with this uplifting tale of a family in which Dad is a monster.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Not a monster in the sinister tabloid sense,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59but a sort of cuddly ogre.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01After a bit of fun chillaxing on holiday,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04he finds out he no longer has the horn in bed with his wife
0:28:04 > 0:28:06and attempts to run into the sea in a bid to end it all,
0:28:06 > 0:28:09only to find himself transformed into a sort of climaxing Chippendale.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12It's all quite heart-warming, until you realise
0:28:12 > 0:28:15they'll have to fly back to Gatwick in 48 hours
0:28:15 > 0:28:17for the whole soul-shitting cycle to begin all over again
0:28:17 > 0:28:20until next year, when another holiday makes him human again.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23He's only got a few more years of that left until his daughter wants
0:28:23 > 0:28:25to go to Ibiza with her real mates,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28leaving him and his poxy wife alone to bicker and read books
0:28:28 > 0:28:30in lonely silence on the beach...
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Actually, maybe I'm reading too much into this.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35I need a holiday.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Hmm. Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Till next time, go away.