:00:11. > :00:26.This programme contains strong language.
:00:27. > :00:31.Hello. I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe, a
:00:32. > :00:33.programme all about things that are happening. Things like this.
:00:34. > :00:35.Heartbreaking and tragic scenes in Coronation Street as Hayley Cropper
:00:36. > :00:39.drinks the ultimate nightcap. Already empassioned campaigners are
:00:40. > :00:43.calling for the right to die to be extended to Emmerdale.
:00:44. > :00:47.Rubber-faced funnyman Vladimir Putin accused of homophobia as he says
:00:48. > :00:51.gays are welcome at the Winter Olympics as long as they "keep away
:00:52. > :00:53.from children". To be fair, there is nothing worse than a predatory
:00:54. > :00:55.ski-dophile hanging around the nursery slopes.
:00:56. > :00:59.Labour's Ed Miliband re-invents himself as a tough guy willing to
:01:00. > :01:01.take on the banks. Having vowed to battle apparently insurmountable
:01:02. > :01:05.financial forces, his hard man message was only slightly undermined
:01:06. > :01:08.a few hours later when he made an unconvinving attempt to enjoy a
:01:09. > :01:11.beer. That's the sort of thing that's been
:01:12. > :01:13.going on. But we start with political scandal.
:01:14. > :01:16.The political sex scandal has an illustrious history dating back to
:01:17. > :01:18.1963's Profumo Affair. Since then it's provided countless guffaws and
:01:19. > :01:21.lurid-but-hilarious headlines detailing the romps, bonks and
:01:22. > :01:24.trysts of people you'd rather not picture in any kind of bedroom
:01:25. > :01:26.scenario. But the latest example isn't much fun, involving
:01:27. > :01:29.allegations about Lord Rennard, which he denies and refuses to
:01:30. > :01:33.apologise for, thus putting Nick Clegg in a compromising position.
:01:34. > :01:37.Rennard has now been suspended and the whole thing's playing out in the
:01:38. > :01:39.media in a bizarre civil war. The Lib Dems are investigating whether
:01:40. > :01:42.Lord Rennard's brought the party into disrepute. Or whether it's
:01:43. > :01:46.actually got any repute left to diss. It's more of an ugly mess than
:01:47. > :01:49.a farce, really. For a proper old-fashioned political
:01:50. > :01:53.sex scandal you have to switch channels. Or rather cross channels,
:01:54. > :01:56.to France. Yes, France, a nation so romantic it's got a type of kissing
:01:57. > :01:58.named after it, almost expects its political figures to have
:01:59. > :02:02.mistresses. It's practically a tradition. De Gaulle was the town
:02:03. > :02:06.bike, Jacques Chirac was a filthy slut, and Francois Mitterand was
:02:07. > :02:09.famed for filling every woman he met with what the French call a penis.
:02:10. > :02:14.And we call a penis. Look, he's going for one now. Get your filthy
:02:15. > :02:17.paws off her! That's our Queen! But now a contemporary
:02:18. > :02:19.slap-and-tickle scandal seemed to be brewing around President Hollande,
:02:20. > :02:24.who stands accused of cheating on the First Lady with a Second Lady,
:02:25. > :02:35.like a sort of French Lee Ryan. The First Lady was in hospital, and the
:02:36. > :02:39.news was clinically clear about why. The first lady is still in hospital
:02:40. > :02:42.with a broken heart. Oh, God, that's awful, they can't treat a broken
:02:43. > :02:44.heart. Because it isn't a medical condition. These provocative
:02:45. > :02:46.magazine images had prompted the scandal. Hollande apparently
:02:47. > :02:50.pictured outside the actress's apartment. They didn't actually get
:02:51. > :02:53.a clear shot of his face, just his helmet. Which is the sort of thing
:02:54. > :02:55.they can put on front pages in France. They're no better than
:02:56. > :02:59.animals. Actually looking at this, how do
:03:00. > :03:02.they know it's not just one of Daft Punk? The British news gleefully
:03:03. > :03:05.recounted how the French public had snapped up every copy of the
:03:06. > :03:08.accusing mag, leaving none for them. Do you have any copies of Closer
:03:09. > :03:12.Magazine? Oh, in that case I'll just have a copy of Le Razzle. And what's
:03:13. > :03:14.French for "hand cream"? Confusingly for British reporters,
:03:15. > :03:19.outside of the magazine itself, the French media claimed it wasn't too
:03:20. > :03:23.interested in the alleged affair. If it is private, it's private. I don't
:03:24. > :03:26.care what Francois Hollande is doing in his bedroom.
:03:27. > :03:29.It soon became clear the people most interested in where the Parisian
:03:30. > :03:33.prez put his penis were the British, who found the French nonchalance
:03:34. > :03:38.incroyable. Are you interested in the love life of Francois Hollande?
:03:39. > :03:41.Not at all. I don't believe you. Because they couldn't get footage of
:03:42. > :03:45.French citizens waving their fists and shouting "zut alors!", the
:03:46. > :03:47.British hacks had to pad out their reports avec le filler. One perky
:03:48. > :03:49.Channel 4 News reporter painstakingly reconstructed the
:03:50. > :03:53.President's drive to the alleged love nest, stepping off the bike and
:03:54. > :03:56.walking straight up to the front door, but then foolishly stopped
:03:57. > :04:01.short of the interesting bit where he'd get to make love to a beautiful
:04:02. > :04:04.actress. The problem for the president is that he looks even more
:04:05. > :04:07.ridiculous than I do. Mm, I'd say it's about evens. There were also
:04:08. > :04:09.some startling pre-watershed glimpses of suspiciously
:04:10. > :04:11.post-watershed cartoons, and stock news report filler item 6B, footage
:04:12. > :04:13.of a crappy knocked-up-in-five-minutes computer
:04:14. > :04:17.game wheeled out like it's a big deal. It's not even a good French
:04:18. > :04:20.video game. It's no Super Marie-Antoinette.
:04:21. > :04:23.Back in the studio, the French insistence on respecting privacy was
:04:24. > :04:26.irritating the British media so much, they invited French
:04:27. > :04:32.journalists on to harangue them in the only language they understand -
:04:33. > :04:35.arrogance. Why are the French press so deferential? Some UK anchors
:04:36. > :04:38.apparently spent so long speaking to the French, the gallic influence
:04:39. > :04:43.rubbed off on them and they started acting French themselves. But a
:04:44. > :04:46.French president has an affair. But Hollande couldn't hide forever,
:04:47. > :04:49.because he was scheduled to give a live press conference. Rolling news
:04:50. > :04:52.wiped the schedule clean to watch the President squirm in the
:04:53. > :05:01.spotlight. Anything could happen! He could break down and beg
:05:02. > :05:07.forgiveness! Or start BLEEP the actress live on stage! He is French.
:05:08. > :05:10.Or, as he'd been scheduled to do all along, he might speak at length
:05:11. > :05:13.about French economic policy - the big tease. Although of course in
:05:14. > :05:15.French even that's erotic. We are talking about going faster, going
:05:16. > :05:18.further, accelerating and going in more depth. But we have to ensure
:05:19. > :05:24.that this growth be vigorous. Oooh. In the end, the First Lady
:05:25. > :05:27.came out of hospital, the Second Lady threatened to sue the magazine,
:05:28. > :05:30.and the President carried on, just as unpopular as he'd been before.
:05:31. > :05:45.And what had we, the British learned? Nothing. Except that
:05:46. > :05:51.ultimately the French don't seem to care who the President's BLEEP, as
:05:52. > :05:55.long as he's not BLEEP the country. Instead of being about a hobbit Ora
:05:56. > :06:00.Wizard, it is about a giant and a robot woman. Bid if you put them
:06:01. > :06:06.together, she is sort of distant, they sort of balance out and make
:06:07. > :06:09.one person. It was a bit weird, because it had George Galloway in it
:06:10. > :06:17.and Dennis Waterman and Stewart Lee. But younger and less funny. But they
:06:18. > :06:21.are all for them, not real them. It is about crimes happening miles
:06:22. > :06:26.away, but they are still exciting, so you still sort of care. And like
:06:27. > :06:31.Sherlock, it is got these clever words that come up so you know what
:06:32. > :06:35.is happening, like each time someone speaks, it explains what's going on.
:06:36. > :06:41.Sometimes there were words telling you what they said even though you
:06:42. > :06:47.knew what they'd said, because they had words anyway. I think maybe the
:06:48. > :06:52.way to do it is to watch it once with the words and then again for
:06:53. > :06:55.the pictures. The man policeman is Danish, and the woman policeman is
:06:56. > :06:59.Swedish, but even though they speak different languages, they don't need
:07:00. > :07:04.some titles to talk to each other, because they are both foreign, so
:07:05. > :07:08.even though I need subtitles to understand them, they wouldn't need
:07:09. > :07:14.some titles to understand me, because to them, I'm foreign, which
:07:15. > :07:17.they are, too. They are trying to catch these Beatrix Potter people
:07:18. > :07:22.who are killing people to make a trendy point about politics to
:07:23. > :07:26.impress the guardian. As well as the robot one, it's got you tube unit
:07:27. > :07:33.and computers, and a bit wearer man is having sex with someone. The
:07:34. > :07:38.thing is, it's not a nice foreign land like in the holiday programmes.
:07:39. > :07:42.It's really cold, and there are murders, and you can tell from
:07:43. > :07:47.looking at it that there are hardly any colours allowed over there. So
:07:48. > :07:52.everything is grey and muted and ominous. It's probably less
:07:53. > :07:55.depressing being murdered in Scandinavia than anywhere else on
:07:56. > :08:02.earth, because even as you are dying, you would think, oh, well. At
:08:03. > :08:08.least I can wear red trousers in heaven. And they probably speak
:08:09. > :08:12.English like in proper places. The first series of the Bridge was
:08:13. > :08:18.really good, so they made it over here as the Tunnel, and to make it a
:08:19. > :08:25.fair swap, the Danish we made take me out.
:08:26. > :08:31.Weather! And a UKIP councillor causes outrage by claiming the
:08:32. > :08:34.recent biblical weather has been caused by God punishing the UK for
:08:35. > :08:37.allowing same-sex marriage. Making him the only UKIP councillor to
:08:38. > :08:41.actively believe in man-made climate change. The councillor apparently
:08:42. > :08:44.wrote to David Cameron to warn him, but Cameron ignored his letter, or
:08:45. > :08:47.maybe didn't understand it because he doesn't speak 12th century
:08:48. > :08:49.maniac. In informative scenes, Sky immediately dispatched a reporter to
:08:50. > :08:57.the councillor's waterlogged hometown to badger the godless
:08:58. > :09:00.locals. Are these floods a sign from God? I don't even believe in God
:09:01. > :09:05.myself. Drown the heretic! Apparently the
:09:06. > :09:09.deluge is part of a sinister gay plot to fill Britain with water so
:09:10. > :09:12.everyone has to wear rubber all the time. And the streets will fill with
:09:13. > :09:14.water, making cruising mandatory. When the news came a-knocking in
:09:15. > :09:18.confrontational scenes, the man himself seemed oddly reluctant to
:09:19. > :09:21.speak to the media, possibly because he believes their heathen camera
:09:22. > :09:26.machines will steal his soul. I'm not giving any more interviews. Are
:09:27. > :09:28.your views and embarrassment to the party?
:09:29. > :09:31.UKIP king Nigel Farage suspended the councillor and announced an
:09:32. > :09:34.immediate clear- out of UKIP members with crazy outmoded views, a complex
:09:35. > :09:36.process that involves highlighting the membership list and then hitting
:09:37. > :09:41.delete. Now, Scotland. Should it stay or go?
:09:42. > :09:44.Or only see the rest of Britain at weekends? Scottish independence has
:09:45. > :09:46.got a lot of people thinking, none more so than our resident
:09:47. > :09:54.inquisitive human Limmy. This is Limmy.
:09:55. > :10:04.It's a big year for Scotland. Do we want to be ruled by this pack of
:10:05. > :10:07.liars or that? A message will go out from England, Wales and Northern
:10:08. > :10:16.Ireland to everyone in Scotland. We want you to stay! That's nice. Is he
:10:17. > :10:23.serious? With that face? I don't know what he's got plans to make
:10:24. > :10:35.Britain great again. Let's make Victoria Park great again. Just a
:10:36. > :10:40.lick of paint, please. Wait a minute, reverse psychology. We want
:10:41. > :10:47.you to stay. Does he really think we would do a thing he says? No. He
:10:48. > :10:51.knows. He wants us to go. I don't know what he's got plans to make
:10:52. > :10:56.Britain great again, but I want in. We want you to stay. I know you're
:10:57. > :11:05.watching, and I know what you're thinking. You are thinking of maybe
:11:06. > :11:13.doing this, or this, or this. We want you to stay. First answer
:11:14. > :11:15.counts! Do not paint this fence. Under no circumstances are you to
:11:16. > :11:22.paint this fence. Food now, and cookery shows are of
:11:23. > :11:26.course a TV staple, but there's so many of them they need a gimmick
:11:27. > :11:29.these days to succeed. A gimmick like, um...
:11:30. > :11:34.Spoons. Yes, spoons, courtesy of Channel 4's upmarket kitchen contest
:11:35. > :11:37.the Taste, in which former celebrity courtroom star Nigella Lawson has to
:11:38. > :11:40.lick a spoon clean alongside rock'n'roll chef Anthony Bourdain
:11:41. > :11:50.and the world's Frenchest Frenchman Ludo Foffyfonn.
:11:51. > :11:55.The idea is that the contestants have to win the judges over by
:11:56. > :11:58.creating a funsize helping of creative food. They should've called
:11:59. > :12:00.it Masterspoon. Some of the contestants create miniature
:12:01. > :12:03.masterpieces. While others produce the most preposterous shit to grace
:12:04. > :12:07.a spoon since Uri Geller. Having sweated and toiled to fill a small
:12:08. > :12:10.ceramic ladle, like your dad did in the Navy, the contestants then sit
:12:11. > :12:13.back nervously to see if the judges can swallow their food without
:12:14. > :12:16.choking, something Nigella should find far easier now Charles
:12:17. > :12:20.Saatchi's not around. Incidentally, and apropros of nothing, I just
:12:21. > :12:23.thought of a great joke about a famous art collector framing his
:12:24. > :12:25.wife, which I can't repeat for legal reasons.
:12:26. > :12:29.Anyway, spoons are all very well, but they're not a very adventurous
:12:30. > :12:31.gimmick. What's really missing on TV is a food show incorporating
:12:32. > :12:34.far-right politics, as exhibited in the recent bizarre cookery video
:12:35. > :12:40.posted online by the BNP's Nick Griffin. It's just like an episode
:12:41. > :12:42.of Masterrace. I mean chef. Essential cooking tool, wooden
:12:43. > :12:45.spoon. It's weird watching him in his notably well-equipped kitchen,
:12:46. > :12:48.and refreshing to see he doesn't deny the existence of ovens.
:12:49. > :12:51.Disappointingly he doesn't cook Chicken Supremacist, or Egg Fried
:12:52. > :13:00.Reich, or Swastikka Masala, but a simple stew, which he cooks, in one
:13:01. > :13:03.big melting pot. Let's have a look at the contents of that pan there.
:13:04. > :13:04.Just taking on a little bit of colour.
:13:05. > :13:08.Obviously he likes his ingredients locally sourced, although he's going
:13:09. > :13:10.to be furious when he finds out those British white potatoes are
:13:11. > :13:13.descended from South American immigrants. Still it's not just
:13:14. > :13:18.cookery tips, there's opinion, too. So I don't let people tell me that
:13:19. > :13:20.you have to have huge numbers of immigrants to have good cooking.
:13:21. > :13:27.OK, although to be fair, no-one's ever told anyone that. We've got a
:13:28. > :13:30.Mexican restaurant near here. The place isn't swamped with Mexicans.
:13:31. > :13:33.You take the recipe, and that is all you need.
:13:34. > :13:36.Ooh, you know, I do wish he wouldn't talk while he's chopping
:13:37. > :13:39.ingredients. I mean look at the clunky way he wields the knife. I
:13:40. > :13:43.keep worrying he might not hurt himself. Then finally the meal is
:13:44. > :13:47.ready to eat. To be fair, even if some of the diners look less than
:13:48. > :13:49.thrilled to be there, the end product looks good. Maybe he
:13:50. > :13:53.should've been a chef. Still, cookery's loss is bigotry's gain.
:13:54. > :13:58.And if you don't like the dishes he serves up, send them back to where
:13:59. > :14:01.they came from. Of course those who prefer their cookery a little less
:14:02. > :14:04.politically controversial and a lot more "cashe" can always ingest the
:14:05. > :14:07.swaggering and breezy, laid-back Sunday Brunch with prime geezer Tim
:14:08. > :14:11.Lovejoy. It's about three hours long, but don't worry if you can't
:14:12. > :14:15.be fussed to sit through all of it, Mr Jake Yapp has condensed it down
:14:16. > :14:22.to 99 seconds, as he'll demonstrate now. Start the clock.
:14:23. > :14:28.Good morning and welcome to Sunday Brunch with me, Tim Lovejoy. It is
:14:29. > :14:35.similar to the show I did on BBC Two. But was about celebrities and
:14:36. > :14:41.cooking. This is with guys with their low-rise jeans. Look at me, I
:14:42. > :14:47.am leaning on the set. A Scouse sidekick, what are you cooking up? I
:14:48. > :14:55.am doing French toast... That is enough from you. I am the new
:14:56. > :15:01.deadline. I am so bloody laid-back. Let's do the autocue. Watch my eyes
:15:02. > :15:10.glaze over. Our guests were in a pop group in 1997. Anyway, let's
:15:11. > :15:16.interview you. I did not bother to read the notes, I will just win it.
:15:17. > :15:21.How did you... ? What is the most... ? I have completely lost control of
:15:22. > :15:27.the interviewed now. Good job the sound man has remembered I am meant
:15:28. > :15:33.to be in charge let's say something my analytical mind could think up.
:15:34. > :15:39.Music is really important. Here is someone we have checked out on
:15:40. > :15:45.MySpace. They are called Coldplay. They are going places. Let's watch
:15:46. > :15:50.Simon Cook. I will stand awkwardly. Then Simon will stand next to our
:15:51. > :15:53.guest chef and stand awkwardly. We have got to the end of the
:15:54. > :16:00.programme, no one has worked out what my role is, time for some low
:16:01. > :16:04.key no eye contact, see you then. Culture! And in unforgettable
:16:05. > :16:07.scenes, This Morning screens a bizarre live test in which Britain's
:16:08. > :16:16.foremost and indeed only rumpologist demonstrates how to analyse people's
:16:17. > :16:19.backsides. When I was focusing on Kelly's bottom, it is the right
:16:20. > :16:23.cheek telling me all the past things, the left tells me the future
:16:24. > :16:27.things. Which, as I suspected, makes the present a shithole. To test her
:16:28. > :16:34.bum-reading skills they ran a sort of on-air reverse glory hole
:16:35. > :16:38.guessing game. There are a creative. Fun to be around. You
:16:39. > :16:42.know, looking at this, you might think This Morning's just taking the
:16:43. > :16:50.piss, but it isn't. Although some of its guests are. How do you start
:16:51. > :17:07.your day? I am a feat guy. Not these people, they kick off with a glass
:17:08. > :17:15.of their own BLEEP. -- urine. I could just think clearer. Clear
:17:16. > :17:22.enough to think, I know, I'll drink my own piss? So it's socially
:17:23. > :17:25.unacceptable and it tastes horrible, but on the plus side, it's also
:17:26. > :17:28.frowned upon by doctors, specifically a telly doc who looks
:17:29. > :17:36.like Prince playing Doctor Who, doing his best to balance the
:17:37. > :17:39.piss-taking with medical fact. It is not medically recommended,
:17:40. > :17:44.especially if you are unwell or on medication. We would not recommend
:17:45. > :17:48.it. Mmm, I guess it all boils down really to who you want to believe?
:17:49. > :17:52.The qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink piss, or
:17:53. > :17:55.the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does? Things were inevitably
:17:56. > :17:58.building towards the money shot in which the happy couple would go on
:17:59. > :18:01.the piss, necking a glass of home-brew Pee-no Grigio live on air,
:18:02. > :18:04.which probably enough to get viewers experimenting with swallowing their
:18:05. > :18:07.own vomit. Arghh, look at that, you know what that is? That is Cameron's
:18:08. > :18:10.Britain. Cameron's Britain everybody. Tsss. Inevitably, the
:18:11. > :18:13.informative item prompted some lively feedback, which tight-panted
:18:14. > :18:20.bulge-displayer Jeff Brazier did his best to reel off quickly before he
:18:21. > :18:24.had some kind of weird fit. Zoe says, if that is what they want to
:18:25. > :18:29.do, then let them, people are too quick to judge. Now. Sticking with
:18:30. > :18:33.urine and adding some excrement, this week also saw the US TLC
:18:34. > :18:38.channel air stomach churning scenes in the gruesome My Strange
:18:39. > :18:46.Addiction. Which showcased a woman with a penchant for sniffing and
:18:47. > :18:50.chewing used nappies. I love it. It tastes amazing. I have one in the
:18:51. > :18:54.kitchen, when I am sleeping. Oh, that's really put me off my piss. To
:18:55. > :18:56.be fair, this celebratory urine drinking isn't the most upsetting
:18:57. > :19:00.fluid-intake scene I've witnessed on ITV recently. That'd be Monday's
:19:01. > :19:03.harrowing Coronation Street in which Hayley Cropper drank the ultimate
:19:04. > :19:09.bedtime nightcap. Come on everyone - Down in one! Down in one! Down in
:19:10. > :19:14.one! Still nice of her to give him a hand job on the way out.
:19:15. > :19:17.Pop now, and crooning haircutted pebble Justin Bieber's been in
:19:18. > :19:19.trouble with his alleged egg-throwing hi-jinks providing
:19:20. > :19:28.startling fodder for noisy entertainment shows. A felony
:19:29. > :19:31.investigation into accusations the superstar singer pelted his
:19:32. > :19:35.neighbour's home with eggs. Frankly, I don't care what he does with eggs
:19:36. > :19:39.as long as he's not fertilising them. But are pop stars out of
:19:40. > :19:43.control? US comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope thinks they're not out
:19:44. > :19:50.of control enough. And he'll say so now.
:19:51. > :19:56.I'm Doug Stanhope and that is why I drink. You know what? Any time you
:19:57. > :20:04.complain about the kids today, you know you are walking on dangerous
:20:05. > :20:09.ground or just being a pathetic old lock. This is the weakest generation
:20:10. > :20:19.in recorded history. Jason Bieber made the news by pissing into a mop
:20:20. > :20:27.bucket. There is footage of Justin Bieber relieving himself in a mop
:20:28. > :20:33.bucket. That makes the news today? That is so indicative of what a shit
:20:34. > :20:39.generation this is. That is the rock and roll lifestyle. You are not Led
:20:40. > :20:48.Zeppelin chucking TVs out of hotel windows while the drama is dead in
:20:49. > :20:52.the pool. Oh no, Justin Bieber peed into a bucket. I know every
:20:53. > :20:57.generation complains about the new kids coming up after them, but in
:20:58. > :21:02.the past, it was always complaining that the new kids were too out of
:21:03. > :21:05.control and taking too many chances. These kids today are smoking
:21:06. > :21:08.marijuana. We will be the first generation that is the opposite of
:21:09. > :21:15.that, when we will still complain about the kids today but in the
:21:16. > :21:26.opposite fashion. Look at these locking kids. We had a good time.
:21:27. > :21:30.These sissies drink Red Bull for some pep. The closest they have ever
:21:31. > :21:37.come to a fist fight is on a message board. Are you looking at my
:21:38. > :21:54.girlfriend? I am going to unfriend you from my Facebook registry. I had
:21:55. > :21:59.better delete that BLEEP part. Wildlife! And a series of depressing
:22:00. > :22:02.news reports describe how a Texan hunting society has auctioned a
:22:03. > :22:05.permit to shoot and kill a rare Namibian black rhino. The rhino is a
:22:06. > :22:08.magnificent horny beast sadly destined to be unceremoniously
:22:09. > :22:11.mounted over a stranger's fireplace, just like your mum. Corey Knowlton,
:22:12. > :22:18.the man who paid $350,000 for the permit, outlined his reasoning in a
:22:19. > :22:22.penetrating interview. I'm a hunter. I want to experience the black
:22:23. > :22:25.rhino. I want to be involved with the black rhino. Sorry, what did
:22:26. > :22:28.that permit allow you to do again? In emotional scenes Knowlton
:22:29. > :22:32.explained that shooting the black rhino is in fact the best way to
:22:33. > :22:39.protect the black rhino. The fact of the matter is, we raised $350,000
:22:40. > :22:42.from the black rhino. It is absolutely going to conservation.
:22:43. > :22:48.Yes, and with fewer rhinos to spend it on, that money'll go even
:22:49. > :22:53.further. We are not just saying we are on a rhino hunt, have a beer, it
:22:54. > :22:57.is a scientific process. Specifically it's an experiment to
:22:58. > :23:01.find out what happens when a rhino gets exposed to lead. He says the
:23:02. > :23:06.hunt will be good for the heard by targeting an older male past
:23:07. > :23:09.reproduction. But the news prompted a barrage of death threats, from
:23:10. > :23:12.people who wanted to kill him? Don't look at them as death threats, look
:23:13. > :23:15.at them as conservationists targeting an older aggressive male
:23:16. > :23:22.past reproduction. Still, despite the outrage, the news made clear
:23:23. > :23:27.he's undaunted - and proud. In a way, we won, conservation won and
:23:28. > :23:32.the black rhino won. And it'll celebrate that win with a nice lie
:23:33. > :23:35.down and a rot. Tainted nostalgia! And there are
:23:36. > :23:38.testing times for yet another fondly-remembered TV icon from
:23:39. > :23:40.yesteryear. Yes, once upon a time millions enjoyed these loveably
:23:41. > :23:43.manipulative adverts in which chimps carried out road works or dressed as
:23:44. > :23:52.Clockwork Orange characters and lugged furniture around. Do you know
:23:53. > :23:56.the piano is on my foot? You hum it, some, I'll play it. We now know that
:23:57. > :24:00.when the cameras weren't rolling they behaved like animals. Not that
:24:01. > :24:02.being taught to act like humans did them any favours - as a
:24:03. > :24:09.heartbreaking report on Daybreak painfully revealed. The zookeepers
:24:10. > :24:12.said the chimps did enjoy walking and talking like us but afterwards
:24:13. > :24:16.they had real problems integrating them back into chimp society. Just
:24:17. > :24:18.like Ross Kemp after EastEnders. Fortunately, the chimps have now
:24:19. > :24:21.recovered enough to enjoy traditional primate pastimes, like
:24:22. > :24:24.doing nothing and putting shit in their mouths. Oh. Cameron's Britain.
:24:25. > :24:28.I hope you're proud, David Cameron. That is your Britain. Of course now
:24:29. > :24:30.we're more enlightened than when these upsetting scenes were filmed.
:24:31. > :24:34.Today we simply wouldn't force a basic creature to dress and behave
:24:35. > :24:38.like a human against its will, except maybe in those harrowing and
:24:39. > :24:41.tragic Ben Fogle Typhoo ads. Oh, it shouldn't be allowed. Of course,
:24:42. > :24:45.Charles Darwin taught us monkeys and mankind are very much alike.
:24:46. > :24:48.Tomorrow it'll be 175 years since Darwin became a fellow of the Royal
:24:49. > :24:51.Society so to celebrate that, and hard-hitting science in general,
:24:52. > :24:52.Philomena Cunk is about to explore evolution before your very face, in
:24:53. > :25:19.this week's Moments of Wonder. It is almost unbelievable that
:25:20. > :25:24.before Charles Darwin invented evolution in 1859, no one had ever
:25:25. > :25:31.evolved. Without him, none of us would be here today, except in the
:25:32. > :25:37.form of fossils or Gibbons. The story goes that here in this garden
:25:38. > :25:43.in Kent, Darwin saw an apple fall from the tree, and wondered if there
:25:44. > :25:50.was a monkey up there. And if so, where that monkey might have come
:25:51. > :25:55.from. Darwin was one of the most famous men of his age. Like Paddy
:25:56. > :26:01.McGuinness is now except Darwin has a beard which Paddy McGuinness did
:26:02. > :26:06.not, unless they use CGI to paint it out, which they probably do not
:26:07. > :26:10.because it is expensive. Even though it is obviously just boring today,
:26:11. > :26:15.the origin of species was the biggest sensation of its age, thanks
:26:16. > :26:20.to the twist ending, in which Darwin revealed everyone on the planet had
:26:21. > :26:25.been made out of monkey meat all along. It caused a battle between
:26:26. > :26:28.science and the church which still rages today although apparently you
:26:29. > :26:33.do not see them fighting like this because it is a metaphorical battle.
:26:34. > :26:37.Even today, many people still do not believe in evolution but maybe a
:26:38. > :26:46.science man can put them right. Hello, science man, who are you and
:26:47. > :26:53.what are you an expert in or on? I am Mark Thomas and I am a professor
:26:54. > :26:56.of evolutionary genetics. What did people do before evolution? There
:26:57. > :27:02.were not any people before evolution. If we came from monkeys
:27:03. > :27:05.why are there still monkeys? Because some of those monkeys which lived a
:27:06. > :27:12.long time ago turned into other monkeys that we see today like chimp
:27:13. > :27:15.monkeys and so on. Oh, right. So the monkeys which did not turn into
:27:16. > :27:22.humans they must be gutted that they did not turn into humans. Sometimes
:27:23. > :27:25.when I watch these past life hypnosis programmes on satellite
:27:26. > :27:33.channels, all the people on those, they are always ladies in waiting or
:27:34. > :27:38.gladiators, they are never monkeys. Why is that? Probably because they
:27:39. > :27:43.do not actually remember their past lives. It is probably not true. But
:27:44. > :27:49.I find it easier to believe I was a lady in waiting than a monkey. It is
:27:50. > :27:53.may be easier to believe your ancestors were ladies in waiting but
:27:54. > :27:56.I do not see the problem in believing both your ancestors were
:27:57. > :28:03.ladies in waiting a few hundred years ago and before that... Monkey
:28:04. > :28:07.ladies in waiting. Thanks. Because evolution cannot be seen, it is hard
:28:08. > :28:14.to believe in like electricity or skeletons. But one day, maybe we
:28:15. > :28:18.will have evolved eyes which can see evolution and that will prove it is
:28:19. > :28:22.real. Next week, I will be finding out where clouds go at night.
:28:23. > :28:26.Well that's about all we've got time for this week, until next time when
:28:27. > :28:32.hopefully you come back, go away.