0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe,
0:00:24 > 0:00:26a programme all about things that are happening.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Things like this...
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Justin Bieber has been arrested.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32His lawyer advised him to remain silent.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Not for any legal reason. Just to make him shut the f... up.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Astonishing scenes in Ukraine as 14th-century combat
0:00:39 > 0:00:40explodes in the present day.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43It's good news for anyone who can't wait till season four
0:00:43 > 0:00:44of Game Of Thrones.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47As Sky's coverage expertly detailed,
0:00:47 > 0:00:49some protestors protected themselves from riot cops
0:00:49 > 0:00:51by disguising themselves as a shed.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Sensational scenes as Channel 4 delights the nation
0:00:55 > 0:00:58with thrilling snow-sporting spectacular The Jump.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Awkwardly, Amy Childs refused to jump,
0:01:01 > 0:01:04meaning the programme should really have just been called 'The'.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07That's the sort of thing that's been going on, but we start...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09with Mr Justin Bieber,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11and if you think the world is a confusing place for us,
0:01:11 > 0:01:14what the hell's it like for him?
0:01:14 > 0:01:18For several years, Justin Bieber was afforded blanket media exposure,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20bibbling around in saccharine footage,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23just another nauseating butter-wouldn't-melt pop-weasel,
0:01:23 > 0:01:24hammered into the global consciousness
0:01:24 > 0:01:27like a nail of frozen piss through a cabbage,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31delighting screaming teenage girls and, as this wonderful photo shows,
0:01:31 > 0:01:33dismaying their dads.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35But then things started to go wrong for pop's Prince Joffrey.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38For one thing, he grew up and is now 36 years old,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41and looks like Jim Carrey playing Vanilla Ice.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Following a series of bizarre incidents,
0:01:43 > 0:01:45he was scarcely off the gossip pages.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49He had this heartening confrontation with a provocatively foul-mouthed
0:01:49 > 0:01:51paparazzi Phil Mitchell impersonator.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- ..fuck d'you say? - You heard what I said.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- What d'you say?- Fucking little cock!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58Hmm, last time I saw scum getting under the skin of a prick like that
0:01:58 > 0:02:00I was watching Embarrassing Bodies.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02More recently, in a bid to provide mankind with a single
0:02:02 > 0:02:05grim visual metaphor that encompasses everything,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07he was filmed pissing into a mop bucket,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09and also pelting a neighbour's house with eggs
0:02:09 > 0:02:12in scenes which amused news networks and our own Doug Stanhope,
0:02:12 > 0:02:16who called him a pussy on last week's episode of this show.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20These fucking sissies! They drink a Red Bull for some pep and spirit.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22But that seems so long ago.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Fox News alert.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Just coming out of Miami Beach, Justin Bieber has been arrested.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yeah! He's ruining his life!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Yes, to the obvious delight of every news channel on earth,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Justin Bieber had allegedly been drag-racing a buddy
0:02:36 > 0:02:38in an unassuming yellow Lamborghini
0:02:38 > 0:02:40when he was pulled over by Miami cops.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45I hope when the police cars chased him they went, "Bie-ber, Bie-ber".
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Immediately, the media went batshit.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Narcotics, marijuana and alcohol.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Bieber's arrest aftermath.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55His smiling mug shot after allegedly cursing at cops.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Yes, posing for the world's cheeriest mug shot
0:02:57 > 0:02:59didn't do him any favours,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02because he didn't look penitent enough for society's liking.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Look at that hair! I mean, really!
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Seriously, look how happy he is.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07That could be the front cover of a cereal packet
0:03:07 > 0:03:09or a jar of peanut butter.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11By the next day, the Bieber news had become so all-important
0:03:11 > 0:03:14MSNBC felt it trumped a conversation with a Congresswoman
0:03:14 > 0:03:16about the NSA spying scandal.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19We should, er, seriously consider
0:03:19 > 0:03:21not continuing...
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Congresswoman Harman, let me interrupt you...
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Congresswoman, let me interrupt you just for a moment.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30We've got some breaking news out of Miami. Stand by if you will.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Right now, in Miami, Justin Bieber has been arrested
0:03:33 > 0:03:34on a number of charges.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Yes, helpfully providing the second iconic image of 24 hours,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40a less chirpy-looking Bieber showed up in a bizarre split-screen
0:03:40 > 0:03:45live video feed from the courtroom, wearing Guantanamo fancy dress.
0:03:45 > 0:03:49So the total bond would be 2,500.
0:03:49 > 0:03:502,500?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Jesus, he's going to have to work
0:03:52 > 0:03:54for three or four whole picoseconds to earn that.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56The charges are fairly serious,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59so he could be looking at six months in jail.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01So who's to blame for his transformation from irritant
0:04:01 > 0:04:03to slightly different kind of irritant?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Some say the problem is his ever-present entourage.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08They claim Bieber's surrounded by unsavoury characters
0:04:08 > 0:04:10determined to get into his inner circle,
0:04:10 > 0:04:13an experience that should prepare him nicely for life in prison.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14The one thing everyone can agree on
0:04:14 > 0:04:17is that young Bieber needs a firm role model,
0:04:17 > 0:04:20so what sort of example were the adults of the media setting?
0:04:20 > 0:04:22As the voracious coverage showed, as he walked free,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25they were jostling for position, clambering over police cars
0:04:25 > 0:04:27for a better shot until the cops yelled at them.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Hey! Get off the freakin' car!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31While, back in the studio,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34assorted jumped-up pundits fought like rats in a bag...
0:04:34 > 0:04:37MAN DROWNED OUT BY WOMAN: He's 19 years old, I'm sorry.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40He's not even went to school, he's home-schooled.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42We have 18-year-olds who go and die for this country.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46..or took the time to admonish him like disapproving surrogate parents.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50He was spewing the F-bomb at police.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53They even turned his health status into a clickbait voting game.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Do you think Justin Bieber should go to rehab?
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Or at least have an intervention?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Go to our Twitter page and weigh in right now.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02The concern spread to this side of the Atlantic,
0:05:02 > 0:05:05as Daybreak's resident showbiz barnacle, Ross King,
0:05:05 > 0:05:06a close friend of Justin's,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08wasn't afraid to ask the tough questions,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10even when they weren't relevant.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13You have to question where the parents are in this whole situation,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16but also bear in mind that Justin's mum was just 17
0:05:16 > 0:05:19when she gave birth to Justin, so questions have to be asked.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Yeah, the main question I want to ask is,
0:05:21 > 0:05:23what sort of weird hair colour is that, Ross?
0:05:23 > 0:05:26What the f... have you been doing, dying it with Nescafe?
0:05:26 > 0:05:29But the prize for most outraged pundit goes to this Brazilian anchor
0:05:29 > 0:05:31who vividly demonstrated his disdain
0:05:31 > 0:05:34by improving Bieber's latest CD with his foot.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36HE SPEAKS IN PORTUGUESE
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Obviously, it's hard to feel sympathetic
0:05:43 > 0:05:45for a multi-millionaire pop star,
0:05:45 > 0:05:47but imagine having Justin Bieber's life.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You're followed everywhere you go by intrusive news cameras
0:05:50 > 0:05:53pornographically detailing your every encounter with scumbag paparazzi...
0:05:53 > 0:05:54Fucking little cock!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56..and whining teenagers shrieking your name,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59and you have to keep those fickle teenagers happy by jigging about
0:05:59 > 0:06:03in ghastly pop videos, belting out this god-awful shit
0:06:03 > 0:06:04you probably grew out of a few years ago.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Everyone who isn't a teenage girl hates you
0:06:06 > 0:06:09like you're a Nazi made out of spiders,
0:06:09 > 0:06:10and, every time you look in the mirror,
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Justin Bieber's staring back at you.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He sleeps with you, he eats with you,
0:06:14 > 0:06:17you have to hear his thoughts. You even have to jerk him off.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19And, on top of that, whenever you turn on the TV
0:06:19 > 0:06:22there's a bunch of sanctimonious parasites on there
0:06:22 > 0:06:26getting paid to bitch about what an arrogant, impulsive twat you are.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29This is a case of too much money, too much stardom,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31not enough rules and regulations.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34He needs a time out, if not a spanking.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Ha-ha! Time out and a spanking!
0:06:37 > 0:06:40If that was my life, I'd inject heroin into my eyes,
0:06:40 > 0:06:41set the Lamborghini on fire
0:06:41 > 0:06:46and deliberately drive it at 200mph into the first f...ing wall I saw.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But Justin Bieber didn't do that.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51Which means, despite everything, he's still a pussy.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54People don't pay attention to politics any more,
0:06:54 > 0:06:57because it's not as interesting as, like, celebrity ski-jumping
0:06:57 > 0:07:01or whatever, so it's hard for the parties to get publicity.
0:07:01 > 0:07:05But there was this Lib Dem party who were so good at publicity
0:07:05 > 0:07:08they could turn anything into a huge news story
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and make sure their leader was all over the telly for days,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13looking really commanding and in charge and that.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18A challenge to Nick Clegg's authority as he faces a growing row
0:07:18 > 0:07:22over the Liberal Democrat peer accused of sexual harassment.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24'They had this Rennard man'
0:07:24 > 0:07:26who looked a bit like Harold Bishop off Neighbours,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29who stood around in photos dressed as Father Christmas,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32and he was accused of doing all these inappropriate things,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34which he denied.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Everyone wanted him to say sorry, but he reckoned he didn't have to,
0:07:37 > 0:07:42so, instead, he expressed regret, which isn't quite the same,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and it caused this stupid stalemate.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Like, if he didn't want to say a full sorry, he could've said "soz",
0:07:48 > 0:07:50which is sort of half-sorry.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That would've stopped the whole thing dead.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54There was an inquiry, right,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57which said that he probably hadn't done anything wrong,
0:07:57 > 0:07:59and also that he probably had done something wrong.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02So now they're having another inquiry.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04I mean, it's good, because it keeps it going,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07so we're all talking and thinking about it all the time,
0:08:07 > 0:08:09which is great publicity for them.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12I mean, I'd never even heard of the Literal Democrats before,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14but now they've got all this coverage,
0:08:14 > 0:08:16like, loads and loads of coverage.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18It's really put 'em in the public eye.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Like, they'd probably do quite well if there was an election.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25'The yellow party used to be thought of as all hippy,'
0:08:25 > 0:08:28do-gooder people who eat whole-wheat cereal
0:08:28 > 0:08:31and care about Syria and things, which was boring.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33But now they're sort of more dangerous.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Like now, when you see their logo, you immediately think about
0:08:36 > 0:08:40bad sex stuff, which is loads more interesting.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42So they really stick in your head.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Nick Legg must be really pleased about that.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49And just when you thought it was as creepy as it could get,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52they found another one, who was accused of things he denied,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56only this one looked a bit like all the Doctor Whos mixed together,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58all sort of scruffy. And Nick Legg
0:08:58 > 0:09:00seized that opportunity, too,
0:09:00 > 0:09:01and made sure
0:09:01 > 0:09:03that it was kept in the news as well.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Revealed, the e-mails and letters which pile more pressure
0:09:06 > 0:09:09on Nick Clegg over the Lib Dem sex scandals.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11The coverage was really in depth.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Basically, the Lib Dems must be really pleased
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Nick Legg is their leader, because everybody's talking about them now.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21And not just talking, but pointing...
0:09:21 > 0:09:23and sort of whispering.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Now, the battle of the sexes. That can be unpleasant, can't it,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30as anyone who's witnessed ITV's cheerfully gruesome Take Me Out will attest.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Let the tool see the box!
0:09:33 > 0:09:36Don't worry if you couldn't bear a whole episode of Take Me Out,
0:09:36 > 0:09:39because Mr Jake Yapp has distilled it's essence,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42helpfully, into 94 mere seconds,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44which we'll share with you now. Start the clock.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51"Hello, and welcome to Take Me Out! I'm Paddy McGuinness,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55"and I like to substitute meaningless catchphrases for humour.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58"Let the thing like a penis see the thing like a vagina!
0:09:58 > 0:10:02"I'll be back in a female eunuch. No likey, no lighty!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"It all sounds like a bit of harmless fun,
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"like the broken English of a Thai prostitute.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08"Bring on the girls! There's 30 of them,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11"but don't worry, they're pretty much interchangeable.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14"It's the fella we need to get to know, cos he's fascinating.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"Let the Emmeline Pankhurst see the underside of the grave!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20"Time to point aggressively at the camera like I've got a point to make,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23"and say, 'Single man, reveal yourself!'
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"What do you do for a living, fella?" "I'm a policeman, Paddy."
0:10:25 > 0:10:28"Wahey! Truncheon! What about you?"
0:10:28 > 0:10:32"I'm a mechanic, Paddy." "Wahey! Spanner! What about you?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34"I'm a specialist renal pharmacist."
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# All by myself... #
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"Rooneyella, you've left your light on.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"Do you fancy him, or are you so conditioned into desperation
0:10:41 > 0:10:44"that you'll pair off with any man, whatever the cost to your dignity?"
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Erm... Yeah. What?"
0:10:46 > 0:10:48"Do you agree that this show sends the message
0:10:48 > 0:10:50"that both genders should conform to a type
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"and anyone outside those parameters is a deserved outcast?"
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Erm... Yeah, brilliant."
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"Now, girls, as a sop to equality, you can turn your light on and off,
0:10:58 > 0:11:01"but, fair dos, we'll give the final choice to the man,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"and, if you get picked, you'll be off to the Isle of Fernando's
0:11:04 > 0:11:07"to eat...Nandos, and, if you're lucky,
0:11:07 > 0:11:10"spend the night with some aftershave-drenched warthog
0:11:10 > 0:11:11"pawing at your buttocks.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"See you next time for more chauvinist showbiz
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"flogging culturally toxic condescending junk-food TV
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"in a cynical that's-good-enough-for-them way.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"Oh, look, they're shagging on the bar!"
0:11:28 > 0:11:31BOOZE! And, as pungent news reports reveal,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Britain's first motorway-based pub opens,
0:11:33 > 0:11:36proving once and for all we don't live in a nanny state,
0:11:36 > 0:11:38or indeed a state that wants to protect us at all.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40It's the only pub in Britain where every pint
0:11:40 > 0:11:42comes with a police car chaser.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45From 9am till one in the morning, it'll provide relaxation,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47pleasure, and a bit of welcome lubrication
0:11:47 > 0:11:49for a constant stream of drivers and long distance truckers
0:11:49 > 0:11:52at the Beaconsfield service station, just like your mum does.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55Putting a pub on a motorway might sound irresponsible
0:11:55 > 0:11:58but, as the news helpfully pointed out, they've taken precautions.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Unlike other pubs, it won't offer
0:12:00 > 0:12:03any promotional deals on alcoholic drinks.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05There are also a number of signs
0:12:05 > 0:12:08warning about the dangers of drink-driving.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Oh, it's got signs. Well, signs are effective.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12No driver's ever ignored a sign,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15which is why there's been no speeding convictions since signs were invented.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16The move sparked outrage
0:12:16 > 0:12:19because no-one's ever seen a pub on a road before.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Think about it - you never have.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Most pubs are in the middle of a field, or at the bottom of the sea,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24or up a stick.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26As the news skilfully demonstrated,
0:12:26 > 0:12:30many of the customers seemed pretty relaxed about it. Like you do in a pub.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32You don't mind having a pint and driving on the motorway?
0:12:32 > 0:12:36No, a pint is no problem, as far as I'm concerned.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40I think it's well documented that you can certainly have a pint
0:12:40 > 0:12:42without any trouble at all.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Oh, really? Well, in that case, pint of Scotch, please.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47But other customers sounded less than delighted.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50A pub on one of the main veins of the motorway systems
0:12:50 > 0:12:52in Great Britain is just wrong, I'm afraid.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55He's going to be furious when he turns round
0:12:55 > 0:12:56and finds out he's in it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58The pub's been opened by Wetherspoon's,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and inquisitive reporters grilled one of their spokesmen.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Surely it is going to increase the risk of people drinking and driving?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Well, we don't believe that's the case.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Not everyone who goes there will be drinking and driving.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Some will be drinking and crashing.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15If they have a pint, that's no different to them having a pint
0:13:15 > 0:13:19and going to a local pub and then driving home elsewhere.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yeah...at 70mph.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23He also got a biblical bollocking from Eamonn Holmes.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26You, in fact, are the devil in disguise.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30You are offering temptation to everybody.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33You're offering a scenario of Hell, basically, are you not?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36To be fair, that does describe all branches of Wetherspoon's.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We don't believe in any way
0:13:38 > 0:13:40we are encouraging people to drink. Far from it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Far from it?! You've opened a pub, for f... sake.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44You couldn't get further from "far from it"
0:13:44 > 0:13:46if you drove the length of that motorway. Drunk.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49There are some obvious plusses and minuses to a pub on the motorway.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52On the downside, a driver might go in there, drink too much,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54then cross the central reservation
0:13:54 > 0:13:56and collide head-on with a coach-load of children and old folk.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59But, on the upside, it's got a jukebox.
0:13:59 > 0:14:00So, you know...
0:14:06 > 0:14:09TWABUSE! And, as informative news reports reveal,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11two Twitter trolls who sort of don't look real
0:14:11 > 0:14:14are jailed for sending abusive and threatening tweets,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16raising concerns as to whether this is really fair.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20You're talking about people trapped in the fantasy world of the internet.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21They can't deal with the outside world.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Look, one of them isn't even sure how doors work.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26In the end, they received short sentences.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28As does everyone on Twitter.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31The debate intensified as football-star-turned-pundit
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Stan Collymore accused Twitter of doing nothing to halt the foul abuse
0:14:34 > 0:14:37he'd suffered after accusing a Liverpool player of diving.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40He was especially shocked because, having spent much of his life
0:14:40 > 0:14:43in football stadiums, he's never heard language like that before.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46But soon he walked headlong into an abuse row of his own,
0:14:46 > 0:14:50as his ex, Ulrika Jonsson, said his protestations were undeserved
0:14:50 > 0:14:52and accused him of beating her up in a bar several years ago.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56Collymore responded by saying he'd only hit her with an open hand,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59as though that's the gentleman's method of woman-beating.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03Still, at least he didn't blame her for not implementing a more efficient blocking policy.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11SNOW! And, with the Winter Olympics just around the corner,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15Channel 4 unleash the most thrilling support act imaginable, The Jump.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's gripping proof that, after Splash!,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20the relationship between celebrities and gravity has turned cold.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23It's a bit like watching someone's skiing holiday slide show,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26but without the bonus of being able to politely ask them to stop.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29The show features a phalanx of frigid celebrities,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31namely Lion-O, Paul McKenna,
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Girl Band Unit 68G,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Canoe Man, '80s hit-maker Sinitta,
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Fred off Scooby-Doo, Jaws from Moonraker, Pete Burns,
0:15:39 > 0:15:42the woman who's usually on Don't Tell The Bride when I flick past it,
0:15:42 > 0:15:43and her.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Most of the time they're not jumping but doing other winter sports,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49like sliding on sticks, sliding side-to-side on sticks,
0:15:49 > 0:15:51and sliding on tummies.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Basically, it's all on the slide.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55It's pretty much a poor man's Splash!,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57a statement that shouldn't even be possible.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59It's like discovering you can divide by zero.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Most shows like this have a panel of judges to keep things interesting
0:16:02 > 0:16:05with some bitchy feedback, but The Jump just has them doing things
0:16:05 > 0:16:08against the clock, making time the only judge.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10And time doesn't do sassy put-downs.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Apart from every day when you look in the mirror
0:16:12 > 0:16:13and it spits in your face.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15The Jump of the title is a ski jump
0:16:15 > 0:16:18tantalisingly imposed on whoever performs worst
0:16:18 > 0:16:21in each daily category, thereby guaranteeing danger.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23But to helpfully counteract potential excitement
0:16:23 > 0:16:26and entertainment, the jumps aren't quite as big as they look.
0:16:26 > 0:16:299.5m!
0:16:29 > 0:16:32But even this small jump was too much for Amy Childs,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34who merely squatted inertly at the top of the slope
0:16:34 > 0:16:37looking like someone suffering a bout of constipation
0:16:37 > 0:16:40in a reality show where stars sit up a hill and shit in a bucket.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42She said she couldn't do it,
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and I have a nasty feeling she's saying again, "Oh, no, I can't go."
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Amy's refusal meant that if Sinitta was prepared to go down
0:16:51 > 0:16:53she'd be on national TV the following night,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56a proposal that's never been put to her before.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Channel 4 has broadcast more death-defying spectacles than The Jump
0:16:59 > 0:17:01such as the frankly terrifying Don't Look Down,
0:17:01 > 0:17:06which detailed the exploits of unhinged free urban climbers.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08But the prize for truly nail-biting televised risk
0:17:08 > 0:17:10has to go to America's Discovery Channel
0:17:10 > 0:17:14and it's edge-of-the-seat live broadcast of Nik Wallenda
0:17:14 > 0:17:16crossing the Grand Canyon on a tightrope.
0:17:16 > 0:17:20But is it fair that such physical daredevilry is celebrated? Well, no,
0:17:20 > 0:17:24in the personal view of US comedian and shambles Doug Stanhope,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26who'll explain why now.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I'm Doug Stanhope, and that's why I drink.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It seems like the old-timey stunt shows of years gone by
0:17:41 > 0:17:44have been reinvigorated and are making a comeback,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46where you've got Nik Wallenda
0:17:46 > 0:17:49tiptoeing across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And he did it well. Almost too well,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55to the point where it didn't even seem dangerous at all.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Which kinda sucked all the gas out of it.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00If there's little or no entertainment value
0:18:00 > 0:18:02other than just hoping that you die,
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I might as well watch you walk down the highway,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and pray you get hit by a car.
0:18:07 > 0:18:08And speaking of praying - oh, my God,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11did you do a lot of praying out there, which the cameras caught,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14every ten feet - you stoppin' to pray to Jesus.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Thank God you were miked up.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, I praise you, Jesus.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Calm those winds in the name of Jesus.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Praise you, Jesus.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Yes, Jesus. Yes, Jesus.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28While you were doing all that praying,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31remember there were a million of us praying that you would fall
0:18:31 > 0:18:35spread-eagle on your balls on the wire, spin upside down,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38and cascade into the Colorado River,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40where you would be nothing but catfish food.
0:18:40 > 0:18:45Why is it your daredevil stunts get you all sorts of applause
0:18:45 > 0:18:48and accolades? Why do the same rules not apply to me?
0:18:48 > 0:18:52I take unnecessary risks with my own life all the time.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56Usually with my brain and chemicals. I'm out doing mocaine in the desert.
0:18:56 > 0:19:01Mocaine is when you grind up your mushrooms in a coffee grinder
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and then chop them up with your cocaine.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07And I wouldn't suggest that kids try that at home, either.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10It's the worst mistake you'll ever make.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15How is that any different than some asshole extreme sports douchebag,
0:19:15 > 0:19:20"Oh, hey, Mount Hood has got a big, dangerous snowstorm coming in,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"so please don't go up there."
0:19:22 > 0:19:25And you race up there on purpose and you get buried in an avalanche,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29and, oh, God, the National Guard's out looking for you,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32and everyone clears out of the bar and they're sticking pool cues
0:19:32 > 0:19:36into snow banks, hoping to hit hot meat to save you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I spin out in the middle of Death Valley on mocaine... Aargh!
0:19:40 > 0:19:43No-one's coming to rescue me.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44Am I heralded? No.
0:19:44 > 0:19:49I'm looked at as a bad example for other people to learn from.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Don't do that." Because you're an extreme guy,
0:19:51 > 0:19:57and your adventure and daredevil antics, they give you rock-hard abs,
0:19:57 > 0:20:01and what do I get on my adventure out on hallucinogens in the desert?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Nothing but maybe some deeper insight
0:20:04 > 0:20:07and some empathy for the human condition.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11And what's that worth, really? Not shit.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Trouble now, and I don't know if you've noticed
0:20:13 > 0:20:15but Ukraine has descended into low-fi violence,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18currently resembling an apocalyptic sci-fi thriller
0:20:18 > 0:20:20made for a budget TV station.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Given the protesters' tactic of repeatedly banging more or less
0:20:22 > 0:20:24anything even vaguely bangable,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27sometimes it looked like a performance of Stomp
0:20:27 > 0:20:30that had spiralled hopelessly out of control.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Overnight, they've burned a dozen or so police buses and trucks,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and, through the morning, the violence has continued.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Never mind Ukraine, it looks like Migraine over there.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Every piece to camera had percussion in the background.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45There's bits of petrol bombs strewn all over the place.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- BANGING IN BACKGROUND - It's quite quiet here at the moment.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Sorry, what? While the Ukrainian president,
0:20:51 > 0:20:53played by William Shatner, went on TV to appeal for calm,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and some f...ing quiet,
0:20:55 > 0:20:58protesters stopped banging stuff long enough to plunder history
0:20:58 > 0:21:00for combat tips, constructing medieval shields,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02building a wooden catapult,
0:21:02 > 0:21:05and inviting priests in to stroll around the battlefield.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07They're protesting because they want to be part of Europe.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10By the looks of it, Europe during the 14th century.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Riot cops counteracted by re-enacting the Ancient Roman
0:21:13 > 0:21:15centurion method of self-preservation.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Basically, the whole thing's like an extreme episode of Time Team.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20The relentless banging is already getting results,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23as the PM and government have resigned.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25But amidst the violence, a moment of joy
0:21:25 > 0:21:27as a couple got married on the barricades.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29The proud groom explained they'd tied the knot
0:21:29 > 0:21:33against this apocalyptic tableaux to show support, out of patriotism.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37We love our country and we love each other.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Ahh. And, with that, the happy couple wandered off
0:21:39 > 0:21:41to do the same thing as everyone else in Kiev,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43ie, more banging.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Did you know it's 30 years since Apple unveiled the Macintosh computer,
0:21:46 > 0:21:49with a famous cinematic commercial depicting a nightmare future
0:21:49 > 0:21:53in which a mute population gawps, hypnotised, at giant screens?
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Well, thanks in part to Apple, that chilling vision of the future
0:21:56 > 0:21:59never arrived, and now their adverts depict a nightmare present
0:21:59 > 0:22:02in which a mute population gawps, hypnotised, at LITTLE screens.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05That's progress. Computers have altered everything, but how?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07And why? And how again?
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Don't try answering those questions yourself, no,
0:22:09 > 0:22:12because Philomena Cunk is here to do that for you
0:22:12 > 0:22:14in this week's Moments Of Wonder.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Computers are all around us,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34in offices, computer shops,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and computer repair shops.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40It's hard to think of anything that doesn't have a computer in it,
0:22:40 > 0:22:45except cows. And they've probably got computers in them now.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Computers have become part of our culture.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Scenes like this are commonplace.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56You have to ask the question, are we looking at the computers,
0:22:56 > 0:22:58or are the computers looking at us?
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Even though the answer to that question is obvious,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03it sounds spooky.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09The computer was invented by Charles Babbage in 1822.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13But it didn't have a screen, so no-one knew what it was doing.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18Konrad Zuse managed to invent a proper one in Germany in 1936,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21but that one got bombed up by the British.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And that meant we could invent it first again,
0:23:24 > 0:23:30thanks to a man called Alan Turing, here at Bletchley Parks in War Two.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35Unlike today's computers, this early computer is made of transistors
0:23:35 > 0:23:39and pipes. And, as you can see, it's absolutely huge.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42And the mouse has gone missing, but...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44it must've been the size of a car.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48The invention of the computer was of primary benefit
0:23:48 > 0:23:50to one particular group of people,
0:23:50 > 0:23:52video game players.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54Oh!
0:23:54 > 0:23:59Until computers, they'd had to play the games using a pen and paper,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01or coloured bits of dough.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05A game of Pac-Man could take three days just to set up
0:24:05 > 0:24:07if the peas kept rolling off the table.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10The computer changed all that.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16There's almost nothing a person can do that a computer can't,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18except ride a horse.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22So lots of jobs have been replaced by computers.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Perhaps one day we'll have a computer queen,
0:24:25 > 0:24:29with the real Queen just used for the bits that are on a horse.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33In the future, I'd be able to ask a computer about computers,
0:24:33 > 0:24:38but, for now, I'll have to speak to a human who is an expert in computers.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41So, are you a computer expert?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I'm Dr Sean Holden, and I'm a senior lecturer
0:24:44 > 0:24:46in computer science at Cambridge University.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Will there ever come a time when we need two mouses
0:24:49 > 0:24:51to work a computer?
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I don't think so. I think it's more likely that there'll be a time
0:24:54 > 0:24:55when you don't need any mouses.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Things are moving now towards touchscreens,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02gesture recognition, brain-computer interfaces.
0:25:02 > 0:25:03So what's that?
0:25:03 > 0:25:08It's where you can sense, to an extent,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- what someone is thinking. - Like Derren Brown?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- Not as well as that. - Right.- Not yet, anyway.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Paul McKenna?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19You might be able to make the cursor, the mouse pointer,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- go left or right. - Just by thinking, "Go right"?- Yeah.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24That's about where the technology is.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27How can it do that, how will it know? I don't understand.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30It's possible to get some information about what your brain
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- is doing by things like encephalograms.- Encephalo-what?
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Encephalograms.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- Say it again.- Encephalograms.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- Say it again.- Encephalograms.- Right.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42So you can get some information about what your thoughts are doing
0:25:42 > 0:25:44through that kind of interface,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47which maybe means just sticking electrodes on your head
0:25:47 > 0:25:49at the moment, but it's early days.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53That's amazing, isn't it? Would you get one of those?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- Yeah, why not.- Yeah, why not.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Alan Turing, the weird man who discovered computers,
0:26:00 > 0:26:02is now a national hero,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05and people queue for ages to touch the Turing Shroud.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08There are even computers made of cloud now.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12What next? A computer you can eat, or fight?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14Computer music?
0:26:14 > 0:26:15Who knows?
0:26:15 > 0:26:20It's enough to make you...wonder.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Next time on Moments Of Wonder,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I'll be asking where your lap goes when you stand up.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35TAG-NUTS! And, in a series of patronising ads,
0:26:35 > 0:26:36a bog-roll maker
0:26:36 > 0:26:39revamps its doomed bid to convince Brits to buff
0:26:39 > 0:26:42their balloon knots clean with fancy damp paper.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44It's a moist toilet tissue, FYI.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46It's not FYI, it's FYA.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48To spread the word about the soggy bumrag,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Ginger Spice drops in on lunching folk
0:26:50 > 0:26:52and tries to put them off their food by talking skid marks.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55I want you to go away and try these and let me know how you get on.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Then, one week later, she's back to see how they got on.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00One week? That was a big shit.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04- Tell me all about it.- I was really surprised how fresh it made me feel.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Actually, I felt a lot cleaner.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Sorry, I don't believe you actually used them.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Come on, pop your rings out. Inspection time.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12- And they're flushable. - It's a game-changer.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Game-changer? What sort of sick game involves wiping your arse?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Cleaning the nation from the bottom up!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21That'll be unhygienic by the time she gets to the mouth.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Compensation! And a range of personal injury lawyers
0:27:29 > 0:27:32shill their wares with happy scenes in which an innocent victim
0:27:32 > 0:27:36wins the justice lottery, and can't help busting some moves.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Oh, isn't it great to see him so happy after that debilitating back injury?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41It's almost like it never happened.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Weirdly, tennis whizz Andrew Castle pops up at the end
0:27:44 > 0:27:46to congratulate the man in person.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48That's what justice feels like.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Dunno what Andrew Castle's got to do with completely above-board legal practices.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I mean, all he really knows about is RACKETS.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57But they're not the only ones making a song-and-dance about cash for crutches.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00There's another gleeful ad with a similarly gleeful tone.
0:28:01 > 0:28:05# Let me tell you 'bout an accident I had
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- # It wasn't nice - # It was quite bad
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- # It made me feel - # It made him sad
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Well, at least it hasn't affected your ability to irritate.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Incredibly, it seems every other prick in his hometown's suffered
0:28:14 > 0:28:18some kind of personal injury, but they seem weirdly happy about it.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19I can't imagine why.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22£2,000 upfront? Cool!
0:28:22 > 0:28:25That's nothing, I've just won four grand for the emotional distress
0:28:25 > 0:28:26caused by this bumwash.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29You know, looking at the elaborate musical numbers in these adverts,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32I can't help wondering if one of the dancers has ever sprained an ankle
0:28:32 > 0:28:35on a kerbstone or something and lobbed in a compo claim.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Cos that'd be a real tragedy.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Well, that's about all we've got time for this week.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42Until next time, go away.