0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour
0:00:06 > 0:00:10MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker and you're watching Weekly Wipe,
0:00:23 > 0:00:27a programme all about things that are happening. Things like this.
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Human Pob and Education Minister Michael Gove has been under attack.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Critics say he's been giving jobs to his friends,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36which isn't mathematically possible.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Child abuse allegations against Woody Allen resurface.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Woody? Could he? Did he?
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Woody Allen has denied the allegations against him,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46calling them disgraceful,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49which I think was one of the kinder poster quotes from Match Point.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Stunning scenes as Amanda Knox is found guilty again.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55As far as many are concerned there's still no clear verdict -
0:00:55 > 0:00:57do we like her new bob or not?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Don't know about you but I definitely would...
0:00:59 > 0:01:02instigate extradition proceedings at the next opportunity.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Yet more weather misery.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08Somerset now contains more water than supermarket own-brand ham.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10In gripping, faintly medieval Sky News coverage,
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Prince Charles arrived on a mobile throne to see
0:01:12 > 0:01:15if he could King Canute the water away but only managed to star
0:01:15 > 0:01:19in a depressing repeat of the 2012 Thames pageant.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21That's the kind of thing that's been going on
0:01:21 > 0:01:22but we start with the Winter Olympics,
0:01:22 > 0:01:25an event that's going to be unbearably exciting if, like me,
0:01:25 > 0:01:29you find mankind's ability to slide on ice inherently fascinating.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31This year's snowy Games are being held in Russia,
0:01:31 > 0:01:34home of one-man charm offensive Vladimir Putin.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37But the Games have run into controversy before they've begun.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41Given recent terrorist incidents security is obviously a prime
0:01:41 > 0:01:45concern but the reported 50 billion dollar cost is also problematic.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Another stumbling block is Russia's attitude towards gay people.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You'd think Russia would be accepting of homosexuality,
0:01:50 > 0:01:54given one of their national heroes, Tchaikovsky, was homosexual himself.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58And also, Red Square's so camp it looks like an even gayer Disneyland.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01As recently as 2008, Russia won the Gay Olympics,
0:02:01 > 0:02:03ie Eurovision, leading to triumphant and inspiring scenes
0:02:03 > 0:02:07as their gold-medallist figure skating champion Evgeny Plushenko
0:02:07 > 0:02:12joined Russell Howard-in-a-black-wig lookalike Dima Bilan on stage
0:02:12 > 0:02:14in a routine that incredibly - and indeed impossibly -
0:02:14 > 0:02:18made the Eurovision Song Contest look ten times gayer than it is.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21But now Russia's passed an "anti-gay propaganda" bill
0:02:21 > 0:02:24which controversially links homosexuality with paedophilia,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27thus playing into extremist prejudices.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This in a country where authorities are already accused of turning
0:02:30 > 0:02:34a blind eye to shocking Neo-Nazi attacks on suspected gay people.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Thanks to the bill, the notoriously tough Russian cops
0:02:36 > 0:02:39must now arrest anyone who's promoting homosexuality,
0:02:39 > 0:02:41and it's not clear what that means.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Does it mean, for instance, anyone wearing a uniform
0:02:43 > 0:02:46with the word "HOMO" printed backwards on it?
0:02:46 > 0:02:48I mean, presumably they'll definitely be rounding up
0:02:48 > 0:02:50the butch hunks of Russia's own Interior Ministry,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53because they recently uploaded a very camp YouTube video
0:02:53 > 0:02:56in which they don uniforms and perform a popular disco hit,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58just like the Village People.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00# She's up all night to this song
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# I'm up all night to get some
0:03:02 > 0:03:04# She's up all night for good fun
0:03:04 > 0:03:06# I'm up all night to get lucky... #
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Of course, in Russia a gay person's considered to have "got lucky"
0:03:09 > 0:03:11at the end of the night if they made it home alive.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Depressingly, lots of Russians seem to think paedophiles
0:03:14 > 0:03:16and homosexuals are the same thing.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18In worrying scenes, ITN caught up
0:03:18 > 0:03:21with the none-too-bright leader of an anti-gay vigilante group
0:03:21 > 0:03:23who's essentially a Russian Philomena Cunk.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27TRANSLATION: Based on my personal statistics,
0:03:27 > 0:03:3080% of paedophiles who engage are homosexuals.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33"Personal statistics"? I think it's a complex numerological term
0:03:33 > 0:03:35for numbers you've just pulled out of your arse.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Channel 4 News caught up with one of the anti-gay law's authors,
0:03:38 > 0:03:41a sort of ginger David Brent with a curiously small office.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Seriously, it looks like he's stuck in some sort of closet.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Captain Hate here is convinced gays are after children.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49Why do they need our minors?
0:03:50 > 0:03:54Why cannot you survive just having your same-sex friend,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56having your common disease,
0:03:56 > 0:04:00together with your invenerological disease or AIDS and live with him.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03You know what, I assumed this guy would be intolerant
0:04:03 > 0:04:05but when you actually hear him lay out his case like this,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07he's really quite insane.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11One man who won't be falling foul of any anti-gay law
0:04:11 > 0:04:14is President Vladimir Putin who, as the eye opening blanket coverage
0:04:14 > 0:04:17comprehensively proves, is 100% straight.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20He's a one-man heterosexual megabloke.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Repeatedly pictured in thrilling scenes
0:04:22 > 0:04:23shooting his bolt,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25gripping his joystick, enjoying a ride with some leathermen,
0:04:25 > 0:04:29practising his disco hustle, stretching his pelvis,
0:04:29 > 0:04:33picking up a man and tossing him off, riding bareback with cowpokes,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36getting stuck into a cockpit with his helmet all popping out the top,
0:04:36 > 0:04:38fisting an entire male hockey team
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and squeezing right up behind a young man,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42holding on tight and shooting all the way up the pipe.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44They don't get straighter than him.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Look, he's only kissing this fish cos it's a woman. Phwoar!
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Putin's Winter Games are now on a collision course
0:04:50 > 0:04:53with the anti-gay propaganda law and it's not hard to see why.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Just look at the double luge which, as you can see from this forensic,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59dazzling and exciting coverage is possibly the only sport in the world
0:04:59 > 0:05:02where two men could comfortably have anal sex in front of an audience
0:05:02 > 0:05:04without anyone really noticing.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07And they have a nice lie down and a tender cuddle. Aw!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Russia has no openly gay athletes,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12a ridiculously outmoded state of affairs,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16a bit like Britain in the 1920s or the Premier League today.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20But will gay athletes from overseas be welcome at the Sochi Olympics?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Well, the Mayor of Sochi did his best to allay concerns
0:05:22 > 0:05:25by announcing there's no homophobia at all in Sochi.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28But only because there's no gay people at all in Sochi.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- TRANSLATION: - We don't have them in our town.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34You don't have them in the town? Are you sure?
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- TRANSLATION:- I'm not sure. I don't bloody know them.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40I went to a gay bar last night.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Oh, hello! You're in there!
0:05:42 > 0:05:44The mixed messages about what sort of reception gays can expect
0:05:44 > 0:05:47continued in these unusual scenes,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49when President Putin sat down with a bunch of Olympic volunteers
0:05:49 > 0:05:51dressed like a gay Cirque Du Soleil,
0:05:51 > 0:05:54to say homosexuals are welcome to visit the games if,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56IF, they can leave kids alone.
0:05:56 > 0:06:01That's why you can feel free, relax, but leave children in peace, please.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04But if you're heterosexual, feel free to bother them.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07This statement led to further negative headlines for Russia,
0:06:07 > 0:06:09so to calm nerves Putin held a
0:06:09 > 0:06:13charming journalistic coffee morning to answer questions on gay rights -
0:06:13 > 0:06:15questions like whether homosexuality is a lifestyle decision
0:06:15 > 0:06:17or just the way you're born.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20That is beyond my professional interest.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21I'm just not qualified to respond.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24He leaves those sorts of questions to his chief eugenics officer.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Putin went on to claim some of his best friends are homosexual
0:06:27 > 0:06:30and went out of his way to praise famous gay man Elton John.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34IN TRANSLATION: For example, Elton John is an extraordinary person,
0:06:34 > 0:06:38a distinguished musician, and millions of our people
0:06:38 > 0:06:41sincerely love him, regardless of his sexual orientation.
0:06:41 > 0:06:45Nice. I'm not sure they're aware what his sexual orientation is.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48I mean, on one of his most high-profile visits to Russia,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50in the sumptuous Nikita video,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53he seemed to find romance with a female Russian doll.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55# Nikita, you'll never know... #
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Maybe he's the sort of gay guy they like,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59the sort that falls in love with women.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01But he's very well-known there.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I bet if Elton John walked through Moscow
0:07:03 > 0:07:06holding hands with his partner today, they'd be mobbed. And beaten.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Not that Russia needs Elton John anyway.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10As you can see from this inspiring coverage,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Putin can tickle the ivories just as well.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16FALTERING PIANO MUSIC
0:07:21 > 0:07:24The Games are now incredibly close and despite all the brickbats,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Putin hopes they'll shift how Russia's perceived
0:07:26 > 0:07:29by the rest of the world. And he's right, they have already.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32It used to be viewed as a corrupt mafia-dominated state -
0:07:32 > 0:07:35now it's seen as a homophobic ski resort.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38There was this exciting historical drama thing
0:07:38 > 0:07:40about these four sort of hat-and-beard men
0:07:40 > 0:07:43who had these lightsaber fights,
0:07:43 > 0:07:45except the lightsabers are made out of
0:07:45 > 0:07:47metal instead of electricity,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50or whatever lightsabers are made out of.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's like a children's thing
0:07:52 > 0:07:56but for adults so it's like for adult children.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58What was clever was they looked a bit like the bloke
0:07:58 > 0:08:01off the Anonymous mask, so you really never know who was who.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05And to make it more difficult, they all had, like, code names,
0:08:05 > 0:08:07like they used names of Greek islands
0:08:07 > 0:08:08to protect their identities.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11So there was like Athos and Porthos and Aramis and, like,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14I dunno, Mowgli or something?
0:08:14 > 0:08:17They're all quite good-looking, they're like men in a yoghurt advert.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21Like, if there was a woman in an office and her life's shit,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25but then it's her lunch break so she opens a yoghurt
0:08:25 > 0:08:30and these sexy men appear and they're sort of exotic
0:08:30 > 0:08:32and her yoghurt's nice too, so she's happy.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35It's like that but without the yoghurt.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39You could tell by looking at it was historically accurated properly.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Like, it had people from paintings in it
0:08:42 > 0:08:44and rooms with really complicated ceilings.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48And they didn't have lifts so when they wanted to leave a building
0:08:48 > 0:08:50they had to jump out of a window.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52There was loads of sword fighting in it.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Sword fights are strange because although they sort of look exciting,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57they never actually are.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Like, when you think about what a sword fight is,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03you should be on the edge of your seat
0:09:03 > 0:09:05because it's like all sharp things.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Like, once, my mate Paul was slicing a pear at a festival
0:09:08 > 0:09:13with his penknife and it was just unbearably tense to watch
0:09:13 > 0:09:17because he was really drunk and sort of cutting it in the hand
0:09:17 > 0:09:20he was holding it in, and I could hardly stand to watch that.
0:09:20 > 0:09:24But with sword fights, even though swords are bigger than penknives,
0:09:24 > 0:09:27and they really wave them around,
0:09:27 > 0:09:31it's like a dance routine or a sort of metal squabble.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35There's never really the same sense of danger
0:09:35 > 0:09:37there was with Paul and the pear.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40What I liked was, because it had all the sort of things you expect -
0:09:40 > 0:09:42like a bit where someone hides from a husband,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44and a bit where a young bloke
0:09:44 > 0:09:47earns the respect of a slightly older bloke,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49and a bit where someone's framed for murder
0:09:49 > 0:09:51because they picked up a knife and put a fingerprint on it,
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and a bit where one of the main characters
0:09:53 > 0:09:55is going to die and you're like,
0:09:55 > 0:09:57"Oh, my God, one of the main characters is going to die!",
0:09:57 > 0:10:00but then the person who was going to kill them gets shot
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and it pulls focus and it's someone surprising who saved them -
0:10:03 > 0:10:05cos it had all that stuff you already know,
0:10:05 > 0:10:07you don't have to waste time working out what it was
0:10:07 > 0:10:11or what you thought about it or, like, who these people were.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13You could just sort of look at it
0:10:13 > 0:10:15while your mind went into screensaver mode,
0:10:15 > 0:10:17and that proves it's good drama.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22CHEESY MUSIC
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Technology!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26And it's bad news for avian tossers as a comprehensively alarming
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Sky News report featuring Mr Charisma Goggles Edward Snowden,
0:10:29 > 0:10:34claims the NSA has been spying on people using Angry Birds.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Apparently they hoover up data about your age, location,
0:10:37 > 0:10:38and even your sexuality.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40God knows how they can tell your sexual orientation
0:10:40 > 0:10:42simply from watching you finger a bird.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Why on earth would you tell a game what your sexual orientation was?
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Well, it might be your only friend.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Sky News went out and found people who were appalled,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53but not so appalled that they could stop playing the game.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55It's not right people should have more and more access
0:10:55 > 0:10:58to what I consider private information.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59- BLEEP- talking to us,
0:10:59 > 0:11:01those gold stars won't collect themselves.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I think it's good people keep an eye on us,
0:11:04 > 0:11:09but not to the extent of checking out our apps and the things we play.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Sh, they can hear you say that.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Not that everyone's up in arms about it.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14In these informative scenes Sky's
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Eamonn Holmes sounded impressed.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Everybody gets so annoyed about this.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Should you not say, "How clever is that?"
0:11:20 > 0:11:22Al-Qaeda people are out there and they don't know
0:11:22 > 0:11:25when they're playing Angry Birds they're spied on!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Should people not be saying, "Smart"?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30To be honest, I imagine Al-Qaeda don't bother with Angry Birds.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32They mastered the art of knocking down structures
0:11:32 > 0:11:34by flying into them headlong about 13 years ago.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36But not everyone's worried about being spied on
0:11:36 > 0:11:39while using technology, as clearly demonstrated by the irritating
0:11:39 > 0:11:41and disturbing series of Amazon Kindle ads
0:11:41 > 0:11:43where a berk romances a MILF,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- and by MILF I mean machine he'd like to- BLEEP.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Hello. My niece is coming over and she'll be using my new Kindle Fire.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Great! The Fire's perfect for kids! - Only for the first few seconds,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54then they kind of turn black and start screaming.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Yeah, but I don't want her glued to it all day.- Got it.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Glued? What have you been doing to make the Kindle sticky?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Actually, don't answer that I think I can guess.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Amy shows the sicko how to limit the time kids can use his Kindle for.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08When that limit runs out, they'll react rationally(!)
0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Could use the time limits myself! - Oh, really?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Yeah, I've got a serious Plants vs Zombies addiction.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19For me it's Candy Crush Saga. It's becoming a real problem.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22Yeah that's nothing, I'm hooked on a game called Kindle Smash Magic.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's ever so therapeutic.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31At least he's dealing with a girl his own age
0:12:31 > 0:12:33unlike the man in this grim sales pitch.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36You appear to be in a financial quandary, young fellow.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39At Wonga, you choose exactly how much to borrow and for how long.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Really?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43You'll need quite a bit to cover the counselling you'll need
0:12:43 > 0:12:46after the psychotic breakdown you're clearly having.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50- Ahem!- No, no. I'm not kissing my phone.- Kiss it!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Uh-oh, she'll charge him for that. Kissing costs extra.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Seems you can't go anywhere these days without some
0:12:58 > 0:13:01sort of device staring at you, prying into your business.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Makes you think, doesn't it?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06Well, it makes no-one think more than our resident inquisitive human,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Limmy.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Big Brother is watching. He's like this...isn't he?
0:13:15 > 0:13:18'He's watching me on Twitter, ready to pounce.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21'I'm terrified to tweet in case it's taken the wrong way.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23'He's watching my porn, spying on my choices,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26'no doubt loving every minute, with his trousers round his ankles.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28'And even in the park, there he is again, watching,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30'pointing, laughing his head off.'
0:13:30 > 0:13:33But enough's enough. Cannae be letting Big Brother have all the fun.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34'Two can play that game!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37'I walk through the park with a wee secret in my hands.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40'Heroin? Drug money? That's for me to know and Big Brother to find out.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'I looked up some porn that I'm sure isnae Big Brother's cup of tea,
0:13:43 > 0:13:47'but he wants to be the all-seeing eye - good luck un-seeing that!
0:13:47 > 0:13:49'And then I jumped on Twitter to play with his mind.'
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"When I hit this city, it's gonnae be TRAGIC."
0:13:51 > 0:13:54When Big Brother kicks down my door I'll say,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56"No, I'm heading up to town to a club.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58"You should see my dancing, it's tragic.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02'Sorry to waste your time! What a laugh!
0:14:02 > 0:14:04'I must've came across as a dodgy bastard.'
0:14:04 > 0:14:05I was pretty convincing.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Then I thought "Right enough. "What if I'm that convincing
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"when I tell Big Brother I'm joking he doesnae believe me?"
0:14:11 > 0:14:14'I showed them I'm empty-handed so they gave me a strip search,
0:14:14 > 0:14:15'right there in the park, ball naked.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18'What if they tell the papers the porn I've been looking up?
0:14:18 > 0:14:21'Once Granny reads that, she won't be able to look me in the eye.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23'Or what if I really am in the club one night, mad wi' it, and they go,'
0:14:23 > 0:14:27"Your dancing doesn't look that tragic to us, you're pretty good.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29"You're nicked!" Next thing I'm waking up in Guantanamo.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Imagine waking up in Guantanamo wi' a come down?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34HE INHALES SHARPLY
0:14:34 > 0:14:35But it's cool.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38You know I'm only joking, Big Brother, and this video's the proof.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Unless, of course, this is just one big,
0:14:40 > 0:14:45elaborate cover story for my drug empire, and my fiendish porn habits
0:14:45 > 0:14:49and my plans to do something unspeakably tragic.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Hey? Nah!
0:14:51 > 0:14:55CHEESY MUSIC
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Bubbles! And Hollywood actress
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Scarlett Johansson becomes the face of DIY fizzy drinks in a glossy,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07promotional video for SodaStream. But wait!
0:15:07 > 0:15:09It turns out SodaStream started an independent
0:15:09 > 0:15:12state of Fizzrael in occupied territory.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yes, as far as international law is concerned,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17one of their factories is in an illegal West Bank settlement.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20There's nothing worse than a fizzy drink that's settled.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22This was a particular problem for Scarlett
0:15:22 > 0:15:23because she was an Oxfam ambassador,
0:15:23 > 0:15:26as you can see in these inspiring scenes,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29and Oxfam campaigns against factories in the occupied West Bank,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31saying they further Palestinian oppression.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33So she was facing a tricky ethical choice -
0:15:33 > 0:15:36do you stick with the charity that works to save the desperate,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37the dispossessed and the dying,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40or promote a machine that farts in your drink?
0:15:40 > 0:15:42In the end, she chose the drink. Sorry, guys!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46In informative coverage Soda Stream's CEO defended the factory,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49which employs 500 Palestinians who do depend on those wages.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51And he defended Scarlett too.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56I know Scarlett and she's not only a superhero in her movies,
0:15:56 > 0:16:00- she's a superhero in real life. - Yeah, the Incredible Icewoman.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Still, as the illuminating behind the scenes video made plain,
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Scarlett's conscience is clear.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07'My favourite thing about SodaStream
0:16:07 > 0:16:10'is that I...'
0:16:10 > 0:16:14don't feel guilty when I enjoy beverages at home,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16I don't feel like I'm being wasteful.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yeah well, not everyone's got a SodaStream yet.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21As CNN depicted, some families living a stone's throw
0:16:21 > 0:16:24from the factory scarcely have a decent water supply.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Never mind fizzy drinks on tap, that poor- BLEEP- would settle for a tap.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Speaking of hose,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33the ad Scarlett sold herself for was glossy and impressive.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Like most doctors, my real job is saving the world.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39Start with plain water, add bubbles,
0:16:39 > 0:16:41mix in the perfect flavour.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Look, a soda that's better for you and all of us.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Less sugar, less bottles.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Not less bottles! FEWER bottles!
0:16:48 > 0:16:51- BLEEP- me! Like this advert wasn't controversial enough!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53If only I can make this message go viral.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Er, think you've managed that.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58But no, to make the message go viral, Scarlett disrobes,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01sensationally revealing she's fully clothed?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I don't really get it. I think we're supposed to think
0:17:03 > 0:17:06she's sucking that straw really sexily. But that's not enough.
0:17:06 > 0:17:09I mean, I guess if she was slurping that drink in front of that
0:17:09 > 0:17:11poor boy from the harrowing CNN footage,
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I guess that'd be an ironic juxtaposition that could go viral.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Especially when he looks plaintively down the lens, almost like he's
0:17:17 > 0:17:20looking at her, and she's just sort of looking back taunting him.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22And then she could turn to camera at the end and say,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24"Mm, evilicious!" But that hasn't happened.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's all a bit flat really. Could use more bubbles.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Scarlett's super advert aired during the Superbowl,
0:17:29 > 0:17:32which as well as being a huge sporting event comes complete
0:17:32 > 0:17:35with blistering half-time entertainment like this year's
0:17:35 > 0:17:39barnstorming performance by Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41# What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya
0:17:41 > 0:17:43# What I got You gotta get it, put it in ya... #
0:17:43 > 0:17:46But who needs some American Superbowl half-time show,
0:17:46 > 0:17:49when you can see a super show at the bowls, right here in Britain?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Specifically the World Indoor Bowls Championships
0:17:52 > 0:17:55in Great Yarmouth, which was enlivened considerably by
0:17:55 > 0:17:57this powerfully moving performance
0:17:57 > 0:18:01of Something Inside So Strong by Barry off EastEnders.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05# We're gonna do it anyway
0:18:05 > 0:18:10# Because there's something inside so strong
0:18:11 > 0:18:14# I know that I can make it
0:18:14 > 0:18:17# Though you're doing me wrong so wrong... #
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Where, where are you going? Come back, come back!
0:18:20 > 0:18:23The man's singing his heart out, you bastards!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27# There's something inside so strong
0:18:27 > 0:18:29# Oh
0:18:29 > 0:18:32# There's something inside so strong
0:18:32 > 0:18:36# There's something inside so strong... #
0:18:36 > 0:18:39CHEESY MUSIC
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Drizzle!
0:18:42 > 0:18:45And as Britain continues to lose it's ongoing war with the cloud gods
0:18:45 > 0:18:49there were astonishing scenes as Sky News visited the undersea kingdom
0:18:49 > 0:18:52of Somerset, where the locals are taking part in an exciting race to
0:18:52 > 0:18:55see whether the authorities can bail them out before they evolve gills.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Patches of Somerset were absolutely sopping wet
0:18:58 > 0:19:00and required sustained and heavy pumping -
0:19:00 > 0:19:03carried out around the clock by tireless yet anonymous members
0:19:03 > 0:19:05of the fire brigade - just like your mum does.
0:19:05 > 0:19:06What is it with her?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09After the Government was accused of leaving the Somerset folk
0:19:09 > 0:19:12to marinade in their own filth they sent in the army
0:19:12 > 0:19:14to stand around and look commanding on the news.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18'But even those who live here were unclear about their role.'
0:19:18 > 0:19:19It seems a good idea,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21but what exactly they're going to do? I don't know.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24It's obvious. They're going to kick raindrops back into the sky.
0:19:24 > 0:19:25In dispiriting scenes,
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Sky's crack anchorwoman and cap stand, Kay Burley, visited Langport,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31an area of farmland twinned with the Atlantic Ocean,
0:19:31 > 0:19:35and achieved a career best by making the sky weep openly on camera.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38She interviewed a man from the environment agency,
0:19:38 > 0:19:39wearing a Hi-Vis jacket
0:19:39 > 0:19:41so you could see him, even in deluge-o-vision.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45We've got enormous sympathy for the people who have been flooded.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46They don't, they want you to dredge.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- I hope they do care. - It doesn't help, does it?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'm sure they want us to have sympathy.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Never mind the river, I think my screen needs dredging.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Worried about health issues, Sky commissioned a scientist
0:19:55 > 0:19:56to sample the water
0:19:56 > 0:19:58and find out how much of a health hazard it might be.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01This would be something like streptococcus,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03group A streptococcus,
0:20:03 > 0:20:06which could cause quite a nasty skin infection if it got into a wound.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07See, that looks horrible,
0:20:07 > 0:20:12but on the plus side it tastes absolutely great on rye bread. Mm!
0:20:12 > 0:20:15A few miles away in Waterworld, the news revealed helicopters
0:20:15 > 0:20:17plugging a gap in the sea wall with sandbags.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18While in Fishguard,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22eight one-tonne bags of aggregate have been placed in the lower town
0:20:22 > 0:20:26to protect properties ahead of high tides tomorrow morning.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I'm no expert but I reckon the water
0:20:28 > 0:20:29might get round that.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32With their fulsome and well-balanced coverage,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34ITV proved it's grim up Aberystwyth way,
0:20:34 > 0:20:35but at least the good folk there
0:20:35 > 0:20:38have got used to dealing with the cruddy weather.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41I think we are, we are getting better in this, you know?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Now we have more experience.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I don't know that you've mastered the umbrella.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Finance now and money is either good news or bad news, isn't it?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51But for as long as anyone can remember,
0:20:51 > 0:20:54which incidentally is 2008, it's been bad news.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Until recently, when suddenly it wasn't. Apparently.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01The biggest fall in unemployment in 17 years
0:21:01 > 0:21:04as the British economy begins to rocket into action.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Yes, thanks to these animated numbers the financial crisis
0:21:07 > 0:21:08was totally over and everyone in Britain
0:21:08 > 0:21:10was a fully-employed millionaire.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12To think, just a few weeks ago
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Channel 4's grimly depressing Benefits Street was current affairs,
0:21:15 > 0:21:16now it's period drama.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Thanks to the economic turnaround, instead of worrying about this,
0:21:19 > 0:21:22we can just marvel at how great it looks on our HD tellies.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Wow! Their suffering is pin sharp!
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Some cynics claim employment figures are only rising
0:21:27 > 0:21:29because Cameron's been touring the country for weeks
0:21:29 > 0:21:31disguising himself as a manual worker
0:21:31 > 0:21:34on countless occasions to boost the numbers.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Look, here he's playing a surveyor, here he's a factory worker,
0:21:37 > 0:21:39here he's a salt of the earth Tetley tea man,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41here a tour guide showing French dickslingers around,
0:21:41 > 0:21:45and here he is as a malevolent lizard blackness-from-the-stars
0:21:45 > 0:21:47temporarily shape-shifted into human form.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50But the apparently good financial news is bad news
0:21:50 > 0:21:52for plasticine buzzkill Ed Miliband,
0:21:52 > 0:21:53seen here accepting a glass of beer
0:21:53 > 0:21:56from a man who looks like Ant and Dec.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57He's recently been trying to
0:21:57 > 0:22:00drum the notion of a cost of living crisis into the national brain
0:22:00 > 0:22:03by repeating the phrase so often it becomes a kind of echo.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06I talked about the cost of living crisis and the squeezed middle.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Is the cost of living crisis really such a big deal?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13The cost of living crisis is the single biggest challenge
0:22:13 > 0:22:15our country faces.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17That is the cost of living crisis.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Of course, many people's view of the entire country's financial
0:22:20 > 0:22:23situation depends on their own personal circumstances
0:22:23 > 0:22:25and whether the cost of things they're spending money on
0:22:25 > 0:22:27is rising faster than their incomes.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29For instance, many feel the squeeze
0:22:29 > 0:22:31because of factors like skyrocketing energy bills.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Although to be honest, I'd be happy to pay more for gas
0:22:34 > 0:22:36and electricity if energy companies would stop running this
0:22:36 > 0:22:40sort of twee, bollock-lazy, animal whimsy, ukulele sing-song,
0:22:40 > 0:22:41cartoon horseshit
0:22:41 > 0:22:43in every other ad break.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46This is Hive, it lets you control your heating from anywhere
0:22:46 > 0:22:47with your phone.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49So why aren't you... # Surfing on a cab
0:22:49 > 0:22:51# Going to visit your mad dad
0:22:51 > 0:22:53# Or shopping for some trousers
0:22:53 > 0:22:55# When it starts snowing on your schnauzers
0:22:55 > 0:22:58# While Hive is busy controlling your heating at home. #
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Or you could...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03# Sing about tigers from Burma while Gran dies of hypothermia
0:23:03 > 0:23:05# Poor cow dropped dead with the chills
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# Cos she can't pay your swollen bills
0:23:07 > 0:23:11# While I'm withstanding this terrible advert at home. #
0:23:12 > 0:23:14So what exactly is going on with money?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15And what is money anyhow?
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Well, don't worry if you don't know because Philomena Cunk is here now
0:23:19 > 0:23:23to unravel that mystery in this week's Moments of Wonder.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25EPIC MUSIC
0:23:33 > 0:23:36BUSY STRING MUSIC
0:23:36 > 0:23:40Money is at the heart of the UK economy, and many others.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44People fight for it, die for it and put it in china pigs.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48So what is money?
0:23:48 > 0:23:52Put simply, money is the best way we have
0:23:52 > 0:23:54of telling how much money you've got.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Over the centuries, many things have been used as money including amber,
0:24:00 > 0:24:06wheat, eggs, traveller's cheques, feathers, book vouchers, lobsters,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08beads, gold, leather,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12Nectar points, rice, peas, mugs and money.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15It was only the last of these that caught on.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Increasingly these days,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23money isn't something you can hold in your hand or bite on
0:24:23 > 0:24:28like a pirate because it's stored in the imaginations of computers
0:24:28 > 0:24:31and some of those computers are probably here,
0:24:31 > 0:24:33in the Bank of England.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38But that computer money is in crisis.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41UK Government debt is now £1 trillion,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43and even Wonga can't help.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45So who can?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Maybe a money expert can tell us what money is and what to do.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Who are you and why are you an expert on money?
0:24:52 > 0:24:56I'm Will Hutton, I'm an economist and I'm an economic writer.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01What's the difference between ee-conomics and economics?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Nothing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06It's just the way you pronounce the e.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10I think I prefer economics to ee-conomics.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14But I wonder what... You could put the same question to the Chancellor
0:25:14 > 0:25:16and the Governor of the Bank of England
0:25:16 > 0:25:18and see whether they like the hard E or the soft E.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Hardy or softie? - Economics, ee-conomics.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Ee-conomics? Economics?- OK.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- Money's all stored in computers these days, isn't it?- Yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36How does a computer know what money looks like?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37How does it know?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Well the, uh... How does it recognise anything?
0:25:40 > 0:25:46- How does a computer recognise, you know, erm...- So you don't know?
0:25:47 > 0:25:51It's... You know in principle but you don't know in detail, no.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Do you know what I think's happened?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Someone's told a computer what money looks like.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59They've gone up to a computer and they've said,
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"This is, like, a five pound note."
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And then that computer's told the others.
0:26:04 > 0:26:10When you have a coin, where is the money in that coin?
0:26:10 > 0:26:13If I were to take a coin and cut it open,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17could I take the money out of that coin and then it'd be empty?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No, the coin is a token.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22The whole point about the coins in your pocket
0:26:22 > 0:26:26is they are universally accepted as a way of buying things,
0:26:26 > 0:26:27that's what the money is.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31How much does it cost to make a one pence piece?
0:26:31 > 0:26:37Because if it's less than one pence then it's a con, isn't it?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41But if it's, like, more than one pence, then...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Do you see what I mean?- Yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45- Sort of not worth it then. - Yeah, yeah.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50It costs a TINY amount of money to make create a one penny piece
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- and that's... - So they're ripping us off?
0:26:53 > 0:26:57It seems no-one really knows what money is.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59It will always be an unsolvable problem,
0:26:59 > 0:27:02like a crossword or a Rubik's cube.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05Next time on Moments of Wonder,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I'll be asking why there's more water in a tap
0:27:08 > 0:27:10than you'd expect.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13MUSIC: "Take On Me" by a-ha
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Courts!
0:27:17 > 0:27:19And as the hacking trial enters it's ninth decade,
0:27:19 > 0:27:21things perk up as one of the Laws of the land
0:27:21 > 0:27:24walks the legal red carpet on his way to give evidence.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Yes, Hollywood starlet Jude Law was appearing in court
0:27:26 > 0:27:28and as ITV News made clear,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30he's playing a young Tony Blair in the production -
0:27:30 > 0:27:33perhaps the most fully drawn character he's tackled yet.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35In fact, I'd go so far as to say that is the most moving scene
0:27:35 > 0:27:38featuring Jude Law I've ever watched.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Actually, looking at the BBC footage I'd say he's had work done.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42It doesn't even look like him
0:27:42 > 0:27:44any more. It's very sad.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Shortly afterwards, Jude's former girlfriend
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Sienna Miller also popped up to give evidence.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50The poor thing, these modern HD cameras are so unforgiving.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Look, you can see all her lines. I have to say,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55ITN's coverage was far less patchy than that.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58I mean, just look at it, it's practically a work of art.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00It's so good, it's already been released on DVD,
0:28:00 > 0:28:02where it's proved so compelling,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05as you can see, an appreciative audience has already been drawn in.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Of course, Jude and Sienna are movie stars
0:28:07 > 0:28:09but by pulling a face like a doodle
0:28:09 > 0:28:11they're drawing on a TV tradition that started back in the '80s,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14when it was pioneered by a-ha's Morten Haarket
0:28:14 > 0:28:16in the astonishing video for Take On Me.
0:28:16 > 0:28:21# Take on me
0:28:21 > 0:28:22# Take on me... #
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And it's a trend that continues,
0:28:24 > 0:28:26as you can see from the BBC footage
0:28:26 > 0:28:29of controversial courtroom drama Allegation Street.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Which features a handsome drawing of Ken Barlow
0:28:31 > 0:28:34and a beautiful drawing of his wife - Deidre Barlow.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36It's good but it's not as exciting as EastEnders,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39where a family of coloured pencils just moved in to 2B,
0:28:39 > 0:28:40causing a right pen-and-ink,
0:28:40 > 0:28:43then these proper EastEnd thugs called the Crayon Twins turned up
0:28:43 > 0:28:46for a cheeky sharpener at the Vic, and then Phil got rubbed out.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50'God that was awful! Pencil puns? What is this, Crackerjack?
0:28:50 > 0:28:53'I think I got away with it. I doubt anyone will even notice,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55'unless they've mic'd up my mind again.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57'I hate it when they do that.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59'Probably best to end the show to be sure.'
0:28:59 > 0:29:02Hmm. Well, that's all we've got time for this week.
0:29:02 > 0:29:04Until next time, go away.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06MUSIC: "You Are Here" by Nathan Fake