0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:06and adult humour from the start.
0:00:06 > 0:00:08Weekly Wipes had these opening credit things
0:00:08 > 0:00:10with all bathroom tiles flying around
0:00:10 > 0:00:12and this music that went...
0:00:12 > 0:00:16BARRY SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE
0:00:21 > 0:00:25PHILOMENA SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33BARRY SINGS ALONG WITH THE THEME TUNE
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Sort of like that.
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, I'm Charlie Brooker. You are watching a special edition of Weekly Wipe.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Normally, with a TV series, there is, like,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46six normal episodes, but what this did, which was brilliant,
0:00:46 > 0:00:49was the sixth one was like some sort of compilation one
0:00:49 > 0:00:52with some of the best bits in it in case you had forgotten them
0:00:52 > 0:00:55because they happened so long ago, like well over a fortnight.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57But just so you weren't sure
0:00:57 > 0:01:00whether to just switch off if you had already seen those bits,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03it had all these new bits in it too, sort of peppered throughout,
0:01:03 > 0:01:08like if you had a burger made of old mince, but you put some new mince
0:01:08 > 0:01:12in it as well, to sort of mask the cheap fucking stink.
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Benefits Street is a fly on the fly-covered wall documentary series,
0:01:16 > 0:01:20a bit like Sesame Street brought to you by the letters DSS and DWP.
0:01:20 > 0:01:21It follows some of the residents
0:01:21 > 0:01:24on an apparently notorious Birmingham street
0:01:24 > 0:01:26where, we are told, most of the residents are on benefits.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28As well as impoverished single mums,
0:01:28 > 0:01:30it also depicts petty criminals on the rob.
0:01:30 > 0:01:33On the one hand, it's a gritty slice-of-life expose,
0:01:33 > 0:01:35but it's also packaged with a knowing nod and a wink
0:01:35 > 0:01:37and it is so full of larger-than-life characters,
0:01:37 > 0:01:42it almost feels like a sitcom, a bit like Friends...with benefits.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Some complained the programme depicts lazy ne'er-do-wells
0:01:44 > 0:01:46living the high life, sponging off the state.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49To be fair, the level of luxury they are enjoying is outrageous.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50I mean, just look!
0:01:50 > 0:01:54Most of them have got shoes! The sense of entitlement is amazing!
0:01:54 > 0:01:56They use oxygen without even paying for it,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59they just inhale it and convert it into carbon dioxide,
0:01:59 > 0:02:01selfishly leaving less for the taxpayer.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03They've even got sticks and bits of old fan.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I haven't got sticks and bits of old fan! Why should they?
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Channel 4 says Benefits Street is about
0:02:08 > 0:02:11community spirit in adverse circumstances, but the problem is,
0:02:11 > 0:02:14it's not called Community Spirit In Adverse Circumstances,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17it's called Benefits Street, a button-pushing title
0:02:17 > 0:02:20attached to a programme with more buttons than a shirt factory.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23They might as well have called it The Great British Skive-Off
0:02:23 > 0:02:24or Layabout Way.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26To wear my earnest hat for a moment,
0:02:26 > 0:02:29I actually thought Benefits Street was broadly sympathetic
0:02:29 > 0:02:31to its participants, although being a TV show,
0:02:31 > 0:02:34it also inevitably boiled their lives down
0:02:34 > 0:02:36to eye-catching highlights and outrageous sound bites,
0:02:36 > 0:02:37but thanks to that title
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and ingrained assumptions of some viewers
0:02:39 > 0:02:42on both sides of the political divide,
0:02:42 > 0:02:45it also caused the sort of noisy publicity-stoking press reaction
0:02:45 > 0:02:48that must have had Channel 4 wanking with dismay.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49The debate came alive
0:02:49 > 0:02:53on a feisty edition of Newsnight, as a man from Channel 4 had to
0:02:53 > 0:02:56defend himself against accusations of being a poverty porn baron.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00Are you comfortable with the idea of poverty porn as an idea?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04I am deeply uncomfortable with that phrase. I think it's inaccurate.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06That's true. Benefits Street isn't porn.
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I mean, what is pornographic about seeing six sweaty men
0:03:09 > 0:03:10crammed into one filthy hole?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13There's not even any money shots. Well, they haven't got any money.
0:03:13 > 0:03:16There was this sort of detective programme called Sherlock,
0:03:16 > 0:03:17which was really exciting,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20about this hobbit who lives in London and he's friends with
0:03:20 > 0:03:23this wizard called Sherlock who is really good at solving crimes.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26It's brilliantly made. You can tell all the people in it
0:03:26 > 0:03:28are really clever because they speak really quickly.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Because the repairs exceed the cost of the hat,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32so he is mawkishly attached to it, but it's more than that.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34One, perhaps two patches, would indicate sentimentality.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Which is good because it means they are not put off by the fact
0:03:38 > 0:03:40that no-one actually speaks like that.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Sherlock is so brainy he can see words floating in the air
0:03:43 > 0:03:45that tell him what's going on,
0:03:45 > 0:03:46like he has done a spell
0:03:46 > 0:03:48so he's got a Wikipedia in his eyes, you know.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Everything must look like a diagram to him.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Like when he does a piss, right, it must have "piss" written next to it
0:03:55 > 0:03:57or something cleverer than "piss", like "urine".
0:03:57 > 0:04:02It was like a film about a robot policeman, but on television,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04so it wasn't really a film,
0:04:04 > 0:04:09but it is so good they should do a film about a robot cop.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11They could call it Robot Cop.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Sherlock's really smart and can use the internet, but he doesn't
0:04:15 > 0:04:19seem to know that you can open more than one window at a time.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Like, when he wants to open a new window, he must have to just
0:04:22 > 0:04:25buy a new laptop, so he's got loads of them.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27He must have to do all the solving stuff
0:04:27 > 0:04:29just to pay for all his computers.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32What's good is it's sort of for the Twitter generation.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Like, because everyone watching is tweeting, "I love Sherlock,"
0:04:35 > 0:04:38all the time, there's these special bits of the programme
0:04:38 > 0:04:40where nothing important happens,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42so you can use your phone for a bit without missing anything.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47It's unpredictable, which is brilliant.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Like sometimes it gets all excited
0:04:50 > 0:04:53and sort of whooshes from one thing to another
0:04:53 > 0:04:56in a really modern way, and sometimes it sort of turns into
0:04:56 > 0:05:01Take Me Out, but with Sherlock Holmes instead of Paddy McGuinness.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06- Describe him.- Short blond hair.- Dark hair. Long.- Ginger. I like gingers.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Seriously, it really was like Take Me Out.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10Mmm, not you.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Not you, not you, not you, not you, not you.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Not you.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Food! And with the horse-meat scandal behind us,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26the New Year got off to a grisly start as a Chinese branch of Walmart
0:05:26 > 0:05:29discovered its donkey meat was tainted with fox.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31These days, you just don't know what the FOX you are eating.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33The sad news was expertly reported
0:05:33 > 0:05:35on the slightly odd Blue Ocean Network,
0:05:35 > 0:05:38anchored by the world's first Lego human.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41A man that bought a package of what he thought was donkey meat
0:05:41 > 0:05:44at a local Walmart turned out to be fox meat instead.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Talk about Fox News! Ha-ha-ha!
0:05:47 > 0:05:50The report rounded off with a helpful Jamie Oliver-style
0:05:50 > 0:05:51austerity cooking tip.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56To be on the safe side, boil fox meat with spices before consuming.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And to be on the really safe side, throw it away.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Culture! And in unforgettable scenes,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08This Morning screens a bizarre live test
0:06:08 > 0:06:11in which Britain's foremost and indeed only rumpologist
0:06:11 > 0:06:13demonstrates how to analyse people's backsides.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17When I was focusing on Kelly's bottom, it's the right cheek
0:06:17 > 0:06:19that was telling me all the sort of past things.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22The left cheek is all the future things.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Which, as I suspected, makes the present a shithole.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Looking at this, you might think
0:06:26 > 0:06:28This Morning is taking the piss, but it isn't,
0:06:28 > 0:06:30although some of its guests are.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33How do you start your day? Do you like an orange juice?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- I'm a coffee guy. - You're a coffee guy.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Maybe some of you are tea people.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Well, not this couple.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41They kick off their day with a glass of their own urine.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Yes, in a thrilling episode,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45This Morning interviewed a happy couple who drink their own urine.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Not to save money - they drink it for health reasons,
0:06:48 > 0:06:50none of which are visible or indeed exist.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52What difference did it make to you?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55It just generally, it helps balance my head,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59like my emotions were a lot calmer and I could just think clearer.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Clear enough to think, "I know! I'll drink my own piss!"
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Is it an acquired taste? Could you ever try each others?
0:07:05 > 0:07:09- It's not a taste you want to acquire! - You don't like the taste of it?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- No!- When you begin, it smells and tastes like wee.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16So it is socially unacceptable and it tastes horrible,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19but on the plus side, it's also frowned upon by doctors,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22specifically a telly doc who looks like Prince playing Doctor Who
0:07:22 > 0:07:25doing his best to balance the piss-taking with medical fact.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27It is not medically recommended,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29especially if you're unwell or on medication.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32- We would not recommend it. - It had been medically recommended.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Mm, yeah, I guess it all boils down, really, to who you want to believe -
0:07:35 > 0:07:38the qualified medical professional who tells you not to drink piss
0:07:38 > 0:07:41or the hairy bloke in the stripy jumper who does.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Things inevitably built towards the money shot
0:07:43 > 0:07:45in which the happy couple would go on the piss,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48necking a glass of home-brewed Pinot grigio live on air,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50which was probably enough to get viewers experimenting
0:07:50 > 0:07:52with swallowing their own vomit.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Look at that. You know what that is? That is Cameron's Britain.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Cameron's Britain, everybody!
0:07:57 > 0:07:58CHARLIE SCOFFS
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Inevitably, this informative item
0:08:00 > 0:08:02prompted some lively viewer feedback,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05which tight-panted bulge-displayer Jeff Brazier
0:08:05 > 0:08:06did his best to reel off quickly
0:08:06 > 0:08:08before he had some kind of weird fit.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Zoe says, "If that is what they want to do, then let them.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"People are too quick to judge." Now...
0:08:14 > 0:08:19MUSIC: "I'm Gonna Love You Just A Little More, Baby" by Barry White
0:08:19 > 0:08:20Mmm!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23To be fair, this celebratory urine drinking isn't the most
0:08:23 > 0:08:26upsetting fluid intake scene I have witnessed on ITV recently.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29That would be Monday's harrowing Coronation Street,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31in which Hayley Cropper drank the ultimate bedtime nightcap.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Come on, everyone.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37# Down in one, down in one, down in one! #
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Still, it was nice of her to give him a hand job on the way out.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I love you!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46You know what I've noticed? Have a look at this.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47X Factor!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Yeah, look at this. This sort of brightly lit spew,
0:08:50 > 0:08:52this is popular culture.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54This is popular! But it's terrible.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56# It's going down! #
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Makes you think, that, doesn't it?
0:08:57 > 0:08:59Well, it makes nobody think more
0:08:59 > 0:09:02than our resident inquisitive human, Limmy.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03This is Limmy.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09The world is full of mystery, the unexplained,
0:09:09 > 0:09:13but I like to think I've got an ability to work out what is really
0:09:13 > 0:09:16going on, to take a peek behind the curtain like in The Wizard Of Oz,
0:09:16 > 0:09:17and show you, you know, like,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20"Hey, look, it's been him the whole time!"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22That kind of thing, but something has come up that
0:09:22 > 0:09:26I just cannot get my head around and that's, erm...
0:09:26 > 0:09:27That's, erm...
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Pitbull.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I mean, erm, what?!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34One minute there is nae Pitbull,
0:09:34 > 0:09:36the next, there's this guy about 40,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38jumping up and down on a stage in a suit
0:09:38 > 0:09:40like he's just come straight out from work.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- 'Mr Worldwide!'- Mr Worldwide? It's bizarre.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46But what's most bizarre is that nobody is batting an eye.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47It's like an alien's landed
0:09:47 > 0:09:50and I'm like that, "Look, everybody! An alien!"
0:09:50 > 0:09:51And everybody is like that.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54What's most bizarre is that he's number one everywhere.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Somebody is buying the singles, but nobody's owning up.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I was in Victoria Park, painting the fence - somebody's got to -
0:10:00 > 0:10:02and this school lassie walked by, so I asked her.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You into Pitbull, hen? She just ran away!
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I even jumped on Twitter to speak to the man himself.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"Who are you?" Cos nobody else will talk to me.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It's like everybody's in fear to speak out,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15like some kind of mafia thing. In fact, that's what it's like.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18It's like Pitbull's some kind of mafia godfather who just woke up
0:10:18 > 0:10:19one morning and decided,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22"I want to be a pop star." Just one day decided,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26"Mr Worldwide!" And everybody's just having to go along with it, or else.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Nobody dares mention the suit. Or the voice.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Or the fact that he's about 40 years old, calling himself Pitbull
0:10:31 > 0:10:34and jumping up and down on the stage shouting, "Mr Worldwide!"
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Nobody dares, unless they want to find themselves at the bottom of the
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Clyde, wearing a Columbian necktie and a pair of concrete boots.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49# Oh, oh, oh, oh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- # I just want to feel this moment. # - Pitbull!
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Britain's brilliant, isn't it? It's got everything.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59It's got Paddington Bear and flags and the Bake Off.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02But all of this hangs in the balance thanks to immigration,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05which is completely out of control, apparently.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Which is why it's helpful that for over a year, the news has kept us
0:11:08 > 0:11:11informed of the imminent threat of inbound Romanians
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and Bulgarians set to flood the country once EU restrictions
0:11:14 > 0:11:16were lifted on New Year's Day.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20But who exactly are these people? First, Bulgarians.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Bulgarians, as a series of eye-opening reports made devilishly
0:11:23 > 0:11:27clear, live in a kind of Medieval realm, twinned with Game of Thrones.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31Consisting entirely of horses and carts and people lugging giant
0:11:31 > 0:11:34sacks around like they're in a live recreation of a Bruegel painting.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Their world isn't entirely backward. I mean, they do have, say, cars.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40But only shit ones.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41In fact, as Channel 4's footage made clear,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45Bulgaria's a kind of open air shit car museum, where the only
0:11:45 > 0:11:48form of entertainment is driving over the nation's one speed bump.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Romania, meanwhile, is apparently also
0:11:50 > 0:11:53a Medieval Game of Thrones Bruegel painting squalor pot,
0:11:53 > 0:11:55according to this news footage,
0:11:55 > 0:11:58apparently beamed live from the year 1386.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01The news certainly painted a graphic picture of deprivation
0:12:01 > 0:12:05and hot horse-on-cart action. I mean, look at this bleak existence!
0:12:05 > 0:12:07No utilities, squalid conditions,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09people lugging sacks around everywhere.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And the only way to get about is on horseback.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13They'd be better off in Britain.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Little wonder a tidal wave of immigrants was being predicted by
0:12:15 > 0:12:18some, and it didn't seem they were going to be welcomed with open arms.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It's hard to shake the suspicion that much of the hostility
0:12:21 > 0:12:23towards immigrants who haven't even migrated might have
0:12:23 > 0:12:26something to do with the level-headed, non-judgemental
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and factually watertight reporting surrounding the issue.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Given the nature of the news coverage,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34you'd think the Romanians would be rubbing their hands together,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36looking at the clock and booking their tickets.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38But weirdly, as some of the reporters pointed out,
0:12:38 > 0:12:39they're just not that into us.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Having spoken to people here, it's clear that contrary to popular myth,
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Romanians have no wish to go to the UK to live on benefits.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Yeah, I know. I've read about it in the paper.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52They can't wait to come and steal from us. Just listen to them.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I would never leave my country, this woman says. For what?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- I'm a patriot. - Give me back my wallet!
0:12:58 > 0:13:02What would be the point of leaving Romania just for social benefits?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Yeah, whatever. Have you got a receipt for those kids?
0:13:05 > 0:13:08I make my money here. I have my family here, and my friends here.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- I feel at home here, I would never go.- You lying thief!
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Even their own officials denied they wanted to come here.
0:13:15 > 0:13:21I can see at least one factor that makes the UK far less attractive,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23- and that's certainly the weather. - What, how dare you?!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25What's wrong with our weather?!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29More disruption and misery after powerful gales
0:13:29 > 0:13:32and heavy rainfall hit the UK for the second time this week.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Yes, in an apparent bid to scare off the great Eastern European
0:13:35 > 0:13:38invasion scheduled for New Year's Day when the floodgates would open,
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Britain's weather spent much of Christmas demonstrating
0:13:41 > 0:13:43what it'd look like if there were no floodgates at all.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Suddenly, there was an intense sense of deja vu about some of the coverage.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48I mean, look at this bleak existence.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51No utilities, squalid conditions,
0:13:51 > 0:13:52people lugging sacks around everywhere.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55And the only way to get about is on horseback.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56They'd be better off in Romania.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59As New Year's Day arrived, the press pulled out all the stops
0:13:59 > 0:14:01to welcome the expected horde of newcomers,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03while in a last-ditch attempt to put off anyone
0:14:03 > 0:14:06attempting to enter the country, the government stationed MP
0:14:06 > 0:14:09and publicity tagnut Keith Vaz at Luton Airport.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11In fact, as Sky News clearly proved,
0:14:11 > 0:14:13when the much anticipated planeload of Romanians arrived,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16it turned out most of them already worked here.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20But the news did find at least one new Romanian - this guy, Victor,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23who'd come to get a job washing cars while wearing a green hat.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26I don't come to rob your country,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I come to work, and you open the border.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Hope you paid for that hat.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Ironically, while Victor the one-man horde flooded Britain
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and bravely withstood a coffee with Keith Vaz,
0:14:35 > 0:14:36there were more British newcomers
0:14:36 > 0:14:40working in Romania as reporters than new Romanians in Britain.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Anyway, now the country is ruined.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45I miss the traditional British way of life, you know,
0:14:45 > 0:14:47before we had the Bulgarians and the Romanians.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50And the Polish and the Russians and the Australians.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52And the Kurdish and the Turkish.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53And the Bengalis and the Pakistanis,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55and the Indians, and the West Indians
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and the Africans and the Huguenots.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59And the Jews and the Normans and the Vikings
0:14:59 > 0:15:01and the Angles and Saxons and the Romans and the Jutes.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04And those bloody Celts who were first in the door,
0:15:04 > 0:15:05- the foreign- BLEEP- idiots.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07It's been downhill ever since.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Food now, and have you ever seen Sunday Brunch?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13It's a kind of ladsy, blokesy, cooksy kind of show
0:15:13 > 0:15:16that lasts for about 600 years every weekend on Channel 4.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18But don't worry if you couldn't eat the whole episode of that,
0:15:18 > 0:15:23Mr Jake Yapp is here to reduce it down to a matter of seconds.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Here he is. Start the clock.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Good morning, welcome to Sunday Brunch, with me, Tim Lovejoy.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33A completely different format to Something For The Weekend
0:15:33 > 0:15:35which I hosted in the same slot on BBC Two.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37That was all about celebs and cooking,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39this is all about food and famous people.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Anyway, it's no biggie, it's only telly,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44just a couple of top blokes slightly too old for their low-rise jeans
0:15:44 > 0:15:46hanging out for classic bants.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Look at me, I'm just leaning on the set, owning the space.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Scouse sidekick, what are you cooking up for us today?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Well, I'm doing French toast with...
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Yeah, all right, mate, that's enough of you. Back to me.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57Only joking! BARKING LAUGH
0:15:57 > 0:16:00He's laughing. He's laughing as well.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02I'm the new Des Lynam when you think about it,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I'm just so bloody laid-back.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05All right, let's do some autocue,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07watch my eyes glaze over, remedial time.
0:16:07 > 0:16:13HALTINGLY: Our guests today were famous in a pop group around 1997.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Welcome, guys, just hang out, help yourselves to anything,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18my parents aren't back till September and I'll be at uni by then.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Anyway, let's interview you,
0:16:20 > 0:16:22didn't bother to read the notes, I'll just wing it.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Er, how did you...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27What's the most...er... Who are you?
0:16:27 > 0:16:30OK, I've completely lost control of the interview now.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Good job the sound man's remembered that I'm supposed to be in charge.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Time to say something blindingly obvious as though
0:16:36 > 0:16:39it's something only my keenly analytical mind could work out.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Music's really important, isn't it? Speaking of which,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44here's a bit of a pop video we've been checking out on MySpace.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48They're called Coldplay, and we think they're going places. Here it is...
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Time now for me to stand next to Simon
0:16:49 > 0:16:51while he cooks, all a bit awkward,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54like a neighbour standing in your kitchen at your New Year's party.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Later on Simon will stand awkwardly next to our guest chef,
0:16:57 > 0:17:00keeping that whole redundant bloke standing about vibe going.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Well, we've got to the end of the programme
0:17:02 > 0:17:04and no-one's worked out what my role is.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Time for a low key, no eye contact finale. See you later.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Cinema! And in a lushly composed and thought-provoking promo
0:17:18 > 0:17:20for a satellite film channel,
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Harrison Ford himself shuffles glumly around
0:17:22 > 0:17:25asking us relentless questions about the silver screen.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27What was the last movie...
0:17:28 > 0:17:30..you couldn't stop thinking about?
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Hmm. That'd be Edward Penishands. I saw it on VHS, like, 20 years ago.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Still see it every night in here.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41When was the last time you saw a movie you really wanted to watch?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Oh, Edward Penishands. As soon as I heard that title, I was in.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48What was the last movie you just had to tell someone about?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Edward Penishands. Seriously, he's got penises for hands.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56What's the last movie you saw that sent a shiver down your spine?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57Oh, Edward Penishands. There's an eerie bit
0:17:57 > 0:18:00where he has to eat spaghetti with the family,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- and it's really uncomfortable. - He's disgusting!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Now, Susan, be polite.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07That was the last movie that really impacted on me.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09What will be the next?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11That will probably be Edward Penishands 2,
0:18:11 > 0:18:14but that won't be on Sky Movies, so sling your hook, Dr Jones.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16Culture now, and it seems a lot of what we watch on TV
0:18:16 > 0:18:18doesn't have anything to say.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Well, some people don't think that's a bad thing.
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Namely US comedian and shambles, Doug Stanhope. Here he is.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29DISTORTED "HAIL TO THE CHIEF" PLAYS
0:18:32 > 0:18:33I'm Doug Stanhope,
0:18:33 > 0:18:34and that's why I drink.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41They always said Seinfeld was a show about nothing.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46And I enjoy that concept, cos that's what I look for in a TV show.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47Nothing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49At this age, I don't want to learn anything.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52I don't want to have to care or pay attention.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That's why I try not to read books,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57cos it gets you all thinking and stuff. Who needs that?
0:18:57 > 0:19:02But even Seinfeld could not have imagined the levels of nothing
0:19:02 > 0:19:05that television could one day reach.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Nobody does nothing better than the Norwegians.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12They've mastered a concept they call slow TV.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16One show that's 12 hours long about knitting,
0:19:16 > 0:19:19nothing but relentless knitting.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21GENTLE LOUNGE JAZZ PLAYS
0:19:29 > 0:19:32That is paradise to me.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36They put cameras on a cruise ship in Norway
0:19:36 > 0:19:40and filmed an entire six day voyage.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44134 hours, one episode.
0:19:44 > 0:19:51I would have watched that show in my cabin on that cruise ship.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Thanking God I didn't have to lift my neck all the way up to the window
0:19:55 > 0:20:00to see this. I could just see it, it's right here on TV!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I hope we don't dock before this is over!
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I need to know how this cruise ends!
0:20:07 > 0:20:10If only I could make these segments about nothing.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Cos this is not really who I am. I'm not this angry all the time.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18Do you think this is what I do at home? Get drunk and go, "Ahh?!"
0:20:18 > 0:20:21No, that's why I only do half a dozen of these segments a year.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23The rest of the time, I'm kind of all right.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I'm not like a Sean Hannity,
0:20:25 > 0:20:29who's going to be angry and outraged every goddamn night.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I'll bet you 10,000, your charity versus mine,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36that Congress has a special subsidy the American people don't have.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38You going to take the bet, Congressman?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Are you going to take the bet?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Are you going to take that bet?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- No, I...- Because you're lying, that's why.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46How do you live like that, Sean? Relax!
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Just grab a drink and settle down.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53There's nothing going on and you're missing it.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57EastEnders, the BBC's expertly realised ongoing simulation
0:20:57 > 0:21:00of what London might look like if human beings spoke
0:21:00 > 0:21:01and behaved in unrealistic ways,
0:21:01 > 0:21:03has been facing a crisis.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Viewers were turning away in droves,
0:21:05 > 0:21:06even though no-one knows what a drove is.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09It's not quite clear why people haven't been enjoying
0:21:09 > 0:21:11this tale of downtrodden proletarians
0:21:11 > 0:21:14suffering endless miseries beneath a battleship grey sky.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17It can't be the fault of the richly drawn characters
0:21:17 > 0:21:19like Purple Ronnie here, or Ian, or Kat,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21or Ian, or Dot, or Ian,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23or, I don't know, who's that? Colin?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Or the bald one, or the other bald one, or the sort of newer bald one.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Actually, there's so many bald heads in it,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32it's like watching Finding Chemo. Seriously, when two of them meet,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34they must think they're looking in a mirror.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Anyway, now there's a new boss driving the East End bus
0:21:36 > 0:21:40and the Square's being sexed up. Literally, with some mature erotica.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42They've paired Phil Mitchell up with Sharon again.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Good news for anyone who's ever wondered what it might look like
0:21:45 > 0:21:48if scientists made a woman mate with a giant thumb,
0:21:48 > 0:21:50and bad news for anyone who doesn't want to witness
0:21:50 > 0:21:52his delighted post-coital gasping.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56CONTENTED SIGH
0:21:59 > 0:22:00Just like old times, eh?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02"Whurrr! Thanks for that, love.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04"Just going to go pat my dick dry on a tea cosy."
0:22:04 > 0:22:08But these thrilling developments were nothing compared to the news
0:22:08 > 0:22:11that cockney actor Danny Dyer, the thinking man's Dick Van Dyke,
0:22:11 > 0:22:15was joining the Square to play the exotically-named Mick Carter,
0:22:15 > 0:22:18a mystery wrapped in an enigma cocooned within a bloke.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Contrary to popular opinion, Danny Dyer can act.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Although he seemed uncertain at first,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26openly asking other cast members how he should perform each scene.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31I was thinking, how do I play this? Do I try tears?
0:22:31 > 0:22:33I don't know, Danny, what does it say in the script?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35How am I going to tell Linda that tomorrow
0:22:35 > 0:22:38our little girl is getting married to a man we hate?
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Oh, er...you're supposed to do it gruffly, apparently.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43But most of the time, there's no dialogue at all,
0:22:43 > 0:22:46because the inhabitants of Albert Square chiefly seem to communicate
0:22:46 > 0:22:48by staring mutely at each other
0:22:48 > 0:22:51in some sort of weird silent theatre of the mind.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00SIGHS DEEPLY
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Prompt!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15To be fair, this is some of the best dialogue
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Albert Square has seen in years.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Gambling, and in a chilling online bingo advert,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28London is invaded by pop giant Mel B,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31clomping through the streets like Godzilla-ziggah.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Terrifying pedestrians with the biggest camel toe in history.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Not that it's that unusual a sight. The city is full of massive twats.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Actually, I don't know why they've shown her playing bingo in the city.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44It's not a place anyone associates with huge destructive idiots
0:23:44 > 0:23:47mindlessly gambling and crushing the man on the street.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49She's massive!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52You think I'm massive? Get a load of this jackpot.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Looks like someone's sitting on a full house.
0:23:55 > 0:23:56Bingo joke!
0:23:56 > 0:24:00There was this brilliant documentary thing called Splash.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03Where Daley Thompson off the Olympics taught famous people
0:24:03 > 0:24:04how to fall off a shelf.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06They all had different techniques,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09like, some of them fell in sort of elegantly,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12and others sort of like people just begrudgingly doing it for money.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18It was sort of fun, but the main problem was that all the celebrities
0:24:18 > 0:24:19fell sort of at the same speed.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Like, even the bigger ones went at the same speed.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24So it was hard to tell who was winning.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Because all they had to do was fall, even dead people could have done it.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And if they'd had dead people,
0:24:30 > 0:24:31they could have got more famous celebrities
0:24:31 > 0:24:33than the ones they ended up with.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36Like, they could've had Marlon Brando being pushed in the water
0:24:36 > 0:24:38instead of any of them.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Although I suppose Marlon Brando would sort of mush apart
0:24:41 > 0:24:43and sink like chunks of green mud
0:24:43 > 0:24:46if you dropped him from any great height onto water.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Which might not be very, sort of, Saturday night.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52The famous people weren't people you'd associate with falling,
0:24:52 > 0:24:53so that was surprising.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Like, they had an actor man, and a funny hair boy,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58and a sort of sexy wildlife woman.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00You weren't sure if they even would fall.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02Like, they might have just hovered in the air.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05But then when they stepped off, they did actually fall after all.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10I read something about falling afterwards, and apparently
0:25:10 > 0:25:15everything falls if there isn't something stopping it from falling.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20The only things that don't fall are air, clouds, and bees.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23And no-one knows why bees don't fall.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26Then, because ITV tested how famous people fall in water,
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Channel 4 tested how they fall onto ice,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31with this entertaining The Jump thing.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32Which was amazing.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35It was even more scientific than Splash cos it was in Switzerland,
0:25:35 > 0:25:37so they put them in the Large Hadron Collider.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Where they sort of flew around on their tummies
0:25:41 > 0:25:42like atoms or whatever it is.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46What was amazing was they put cameras on the celebrities.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48So you could see what sort of faces famous people pull
0:25:48 > 0:25:51when they're worried about breaking a bone or paralysing themselves.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54And it turns out, it's the same sort of face you pull on the toilet
0:25:54 > 0:25:57when there's something you can't quite push out
0:25:57 > 0:25:59unless you take a bit of a mental run-up at it.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02At the end of each episode, some of them had to do a jump,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04which looked sort of shit.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08So everyone moaned about how unspectacular it was.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11But then they all started sort of hurting themselves.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It was quite interesting, really, to see
0:26:13 > 0:26:17how injured someone can get and it still be entertaining.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Like, there were broken ribs and things.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I reckon if someone's leg had broken backwards at the knee,
0:26:23 > 0:26:24and all blood came out
0:26:24 > 0:26:27and they'd been screaming and vomiting into the snow,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30it might not have been as much fun.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34But maybe that'll happen in the second series, so I can be sure.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36As you may have noticed,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Britain endured some pretty extreme weather earlier this year.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42So did America, but in typical fashion,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45theirs was extreme-ier than ours. And beautiful.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48Picturesque US news footage made America look more like
0:26:48 > 0:26:49the United States of Narnia,
0:26:49 > 0:26:52thanks to something called the polar vortex.
0:26:52 > 0:26:53Which sent temperatures plunging so low,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57the best way to warm up was to stay indoors and climb inside the fridge.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Lots of people in reports had to virtually mummify themselves
0:26:59 > 0:27:01to avoid freezing to death.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03To the point where some reports resembled
0:27:03 > 0:27:05bulletins from the Anarchist News Network.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Well, it's just before dawn here in Minneapolis
0:27:08 > 0:27:10and it's about as cold as it's going to get.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Having delighted viewers with his cheap Batman impersonation,
0:27:13 > 0:27:15he then performed a sort of David Blaine magic trick
0:27:15 > 0:27:17using a cup of boiling water.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19It freezes before it even reaches the pavement.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Yes, someone had discovered that if you throw a cup of boiling water
0:27:23 > 0:27:24in the air in super sub-zero conditions,
0:27:24 > 0:27:27you can make instant snow, and the news didn't tire
0:27:27 > 0:27:30of demonstrating this, occasionally offering a step-by-step guide.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Put it in the microwave for about two or three minutes,
0:27:33 > 0:27:35make sure it gets really hot.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38And encouraging viewers to try it at home.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41A pretty fun experiment, you can do that at home with the kids.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Yeah, it is a fun experiment, isn't it? At least it makes me laugh.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh, my God, it's burning me!
0:27:49 > 0:27:50LAUGHS HEARTILY
0:27:51 > 0:27:53HE SCREAMS
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Yes, it turns out the downside of repeatedly showing
0:27:56 > 0:27:58millions of people a trick in which you throw boiling water around
0:27:58 > 0:28:01is that people might actually try and do it,
0:28:01 > 0:28:03turning scenes from what should have been a winter wonderland
0:28:03 > 0:28:06into something more like When Idiots Happen.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
0:28:08 > 0:28:10At the end of the Weekly Wipes programme,
0:28:10 > 0:28:12the sort of angry for money man
0:28:12 > 0:28:15would say goodbye in this really, like, dismissive way.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Hmm. Well, that's all we've got time for.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Until next time, whenever that is, go away.
0:28:20 > 0:28:23And you're like, no. You go away, mate.