0:00:02 > 0:00:06METALLIC VOICES: Go and move that tree
0:00:06 > 0:00:11so we can set up the table for the bells.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Get a move on, stupid appearance.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07- Miss, I've got my hand up. - Yes, Tracy Sneddon, I can see that.
0:01:07 > 0:01:14The glare from your sovereign rings are practically blinding me. What is it that you want?
0:01:14 > 0:01:19Is it true you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up?
0:01:19 > 0:01:23You... You... You... Is this a joke?
0:01:23 > 0:01:30- I'm serious, Miss. That's what I heard.- Who...? Who said...?
0:01:30 > 0:01:38Tracy Sneddon, the day you stop looking like you're dressed to turn tricks in a Turkish bordello
0:01:38 > 0:01:43is the day I'll answer your so-called serious questions
0:01:43 > 0:01:46about se... About...About...standing up.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Miss, sometimes you hear a lot of different stories about it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:57You'd think a biology teacher would tell you straight what the facts are.
0:01:57 > 0:02:04Yes, well, I suppose I should be... sharing the wisdom of my experience.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Here!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Here! That's not what I meant.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15Now, to answer your question, Tracy Sneddon, yes.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You can be...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20impregnated if you're...
0:02:20 > 0:02:23in a position that's...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26erect.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Right, that's enough! When I say that, I mean...
0:02:30 > 0:02:35I don't... It's not erect... I don't mean... There's the bell.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And I must go to another class.
0:02:38 > 0:02:46- Miss, this is your class.- Yes, I've also left... I've left a pie in the oven... That's the phone ringing.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So, bye.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Here, do you mind o' this one?
0:02:52 > 0:02:56# Well, hello there and how do you do?
0:02:56 > 0:02:59# You're the prettiest lady I've seen
0:02:59 > 0:03:04# Well it seems to me that recently You must have been a beauty queen
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# We're gonna buy you a drink Do you enjoy champagne?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10# Baby, this one's for free
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# What's it gonna take For you and those diddies
0:03:13 > 0:03:16# To come right home with me?
0:03:16 > 0:03:22# No need to wrap them To come back home with me. #
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- I love songs about tits, do you? - Oh, aye, aye...
0:03:38 > 0:03:44- Aye, aye.- What are you daein' up so early?- If it was any of your business, I'd tell you.- Suit yersel'.
0:03:44 > 0:03:51- If you must know, I'm waiting on a letter. ..Anything for me, pal? - Oh, aye.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Wait a minute...
0:03:53 > 0:03:59There's cash-and-carry rubbish and that. It's no' fur you. Aye, three.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Leccy bill and a gas bill.
0:04:02 > 0:04:09- That's a bastard when they all come thegither like that.- Cut! That was great, guys. ..What's your name?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12- Ma name?- Yeah.- Ronald Villiers.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17- The script says, Ronald, that you say, "Aye, three."- Script?
0:04:17 > 0:04:23- Not, "That's a bastard, all thae bills."- I didn't realise there was a script.- There is. "Aye, three."
0:04:23 > 0:04:30Right. I used to work on the High Road. They never use a script. They walk on, say what they like, then...
0:04:30 > 0:04:37- Back to your position.- Nae bother. - Show the second letter, OK?- Right. - Hold it up.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- We're going to go close up on that. - Right.- It's important.- That's OK.
0:04:41 > 0:04:49- First...- OK. ..You, er, Johnny Beattie?- Can you take your position?- Are YOU Johnny Beattie?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- I was told I was going to be working with...- Please.
0:04:53 > 0:04:59Can we go again? Where from? "Anything for me, pal?"
0:04:59 > 0:05:03Ready? ..Are we ready? And, action!
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Anything for me, pal?- Aye, three.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Anything for me, pal?- Aye, three.
0:05:13 > 0:05:18And wan o' them's a very, very important letter.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Cut! Can we get another postman?
0:05:27 > 0:05:33- What's wrong with that? Is that me sacked?- No, we'll get you something. - I was panicking there.
0:05:33 > 0:05:40- You can keep that in if you want. Postman sacked - that's a good gag. - Can we go again?- Some comedy.
0:05:45 > 0:05:51Hoose for sale. Big question is, is it offers over or a fixed price?
0:05:51 > 0:05:57- The one round the corner - offers over 72, went for 92.- CUT!
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- Am I sacked?- No, I'll get something else for you to do.- That's awright.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17This bloody seat's kickin' my starfish in.
0:06:17 > 0:06:25- What are you daein' up so early? - If it was your business, I'd tell you.- Fine.- I'm waiting on a letter.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30- Anything for me, pal?- Three, mate. - Cheers.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Here... I recognise this writing. Do you?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39RONALD WHISTLES EASTENDERS THEME
0:06:39 > 0:06:42CUT! >
0:06:44 > 0:06:49Well, class, I trust you had an excellent Christmas break.
0:06:49 > 0:06:55For my Christmas, I got an Xbox, a joystick, steering wheel and games.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You're a lucky boy, Billy.
0:06:57 > 0:07:03For my Christmas, I got a mountain bike with 14 gears, and a tent.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Very lucky girl, Jenny.
0:07:07 > 0:07:14- Thomas?- I got a puppet. My dad made it. It's got pipecleaners for legs and cereal boxes for feet.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Man, that's shit!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Right, class, get your jotters out.
0:07:28 > 0:07:34'And welcome to Channel Five's top 100 lingerie moments.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37'Here's a sample of what's coming up.'
0:07:37 > 0:07:41What's this muck you're watching? Get that off!
0:07:41 > 0:07:43TV STOPS
0:07:43 > 0:07:46What are you hiding there?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Have you got a stauner?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Naw.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55Lift that cushion. Lift that cushion and let me see!
0:07:58 > 0:08:03Ya dirty wee bastard! John, get in here! ..Don't move.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- What?- He's sitting there with a big stauner.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Lift that cushion! Pick it up!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17A stauner! Why have you done this to us?!
0:08:17 > 0:08:19PHONE RINGS
0:08:19 > 0:08:24Hello, Maw. Maw, I'll need to phone you back. Johnny's got a stauner.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Aye, a STAUNER.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Noo your granny knows!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's wee Johnny...
0:08:36 > 0:08:38He's got a big stauner!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Get the coats. We need to get over there.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55This is absolutely fantastic, Hilary.
0:08:55 > 0:09:02- In the winter, this section is entirely closed.- That'll save on the heating bills.- Indeed.
0:09:02 > 0:09:09- Once the renovation is complete, we'll open this wing to the public. - Oh, lovely.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11The painters are in at the moment.
0:09:32 > 0:09:36I fair enjoyed that turkey dinner.
0:09:36 > 0:09:41- It was smashing, love.- Now, I want to collapse in front of the telly.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45- Quite right. - So, um, what's on, then?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Ben Hur or ET.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00What's on the other side?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06- WHISTLING:- EasstEnderss.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09The Queen'ss Seassonal Messsage.
0:10:09 > 0:10:15Top Of The Popss, featuring Sshakira, Oassiss and the Ssugababess.
0:10:15 > 0:10:21Then, it's Celebrity Sstarss In Their Eyess.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Six rolls and sausages, mate.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves.
0:10:32 > 0:10:38I've no chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves, mate.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42Just gie us another roll and sausage, then, mate.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50- I've only been going out with him for six weeks, Mrs Muir. I never knew he took stauners.- I know...
0:10:50 > 0:10:55- Are you awright, Johnny? - You know me - I never greet.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I never even gret when ma da' died.
0:10:57 > 0:11:04My son's sitting there with a stauner! Oh, Jesus.. SIRENS APPROACH
0:11:04 > 0:11:09- Let me see that stauner! Let me...! - That's him! Him with the stauner!
0:11:09 > 0:11:14I'll tell you something - he's nae son o' mine! He's deid tae me!
0:11:16 > 0:11:19CROWD JEERS
0:11:22 > 0:11:26I hope you and your stauner rot in hell!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Oh, Percy! Percy! >
0:11:33 > 0:11:40That's right, you pair of Percys, look down here. I'm trapped underneath my big, fat wallet.
0:11:40 > 0:11:47I can't shift it for all that money that's inside. Help us out - there's a pound in it each for you.
0:11:47 > 0:11:55Come on! Not enjoying Big Jock's comedy, you couple of skint Percys? I could buy and sell you both.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- Crack a smile! How much are you earning a year?- Leave us, Jock, eh?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Ho, Percy!
0:12:04 > 0:12:07What's that you've got there, Percy?
0:12:07 > 0:12:14- Ten pence, Jock.- I didn't know they made them any more. You learn something every day.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Let's have a look-see, shall we? What's this?
0:12:18 > 0:12:24Look, Percys - £100 note. ..It's not accepting Big Jock's small change.
0:12:24 > 0:12:30- Och, well. Did you have a nice Christmas dinner, Percy?- Yes. - As did I.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35Me and my wife and her brand-new silicone implants. Pulled my cracker,
0:12:35 > 0:12:40couldn't eat my 45lb turkey for laughing. Know what the joke was?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43No, Jock.
0:12:43 > 0:12:48Your wage slip. The funniest thing since your daughter went to school
0:12:48 > 0:12:51wearing Big Jock's son's hand-me-down shoes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Now, cock an ear now for Big Jock. I've got an important announcement.
0:12:58 > 0:13:05Youse are all a bunch of Percys and my wallet's heavier than all your fat wives put together.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10Big Jock - the king of comedy. Who's the daddy?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- SUBDUED:- Big Jock.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15I said, who's the daddy?!
0:13:15 > 0:13:21- Big Jock.- Who's the daddy?- Big Jock. - Who's the daddy?- Big Jock.- Who's the daddy?- Big Jock.- Who's the...
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Who's the daddy?- Big Jock. - Who's the daddy?- Big Jock.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37Crackin' cardboard cut-outs, mate.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Huv you got Darth Vader?- Yes.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Have you got Yoda?- Mm-hm.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Have you got Dougie Vipond?
0:13:48 > 0:13:54- Naw. If you're no' interested... - OK, then... Huv you got Mr Spock?- Yes.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Huv you got Captain Kirk?- Uh-huh.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Huv you got Lulu?
0:14:01 > 0:14:05£27.99, you pair of wideos.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09I'll take cash.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Awright, Davey.
0:14:13 > 0:14:20- Awright. That you going up tae the High Court, aye?- Aye. - What're you going to say?
0:14:20 > 0:14:27- The truth, man. Big Shanksy done it. - Aye, man, you're right. Shanksy glassed Sharon in broad daylight.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I'm no takin' the fall fur him.
0:14:29 > 0:14:35- He's gettin' grassed up.- Aye. Let Shanksy take the fall.- Awright?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38BOTH: Awright, Shanksy?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41You'd better no' grass us up.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- No' us, Shanksy.- We never saw you.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45Aye.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48Awright, Sharon?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50How's your face?
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Are all youse pricks the jury, aye?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Aye.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59- Better no' grass us up. - Right, Shanksy.
0:14:59 > 0:15:06- This isnae right, man. We should be gettin' taken to the courts by the polis.- The law's a joke.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- Tell me about it. - Awright, mate?
0:15:10 > 0:15:13All right, Shanksy?
0:15:18 > 0:15:23'It's the two blind mice! They just love Squeaks Blinds.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26'They're jumping for joy at our prices.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31'A set of shitey, bendy plastic blinds for only £77.
0:15:32 > 0:15:38'A shitey set of blinds, big enough to cover a window in Barlinnie.
0:15:38 > 0:15:43'Or, if you live in a house with normal windows, like everyone else,
0:15:43 > 0:15:46'it'll cost fortunes.
0:15:48 > 0:15:55'So, that's a set of minuscule, shitey, bendy, jail-window-sized blinds for only £77.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58'Squeaks Blinds - that'll do MICELY!'
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Officer! Officer!
0:16:11 > 0:16:18- I'd like to report an incident. I've been terribly insulted.- Who by, madam?- Those two vagabonds...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21and Lulu.
0:16:21 > 0:16:22Ho!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Rocking!
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Ho, ho, Gary. Are you geared up for the full bhoona?
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- The complete vindaloo.- Hotter than a video from Paddy's Market.
0:16:40 > 0:16:48- Spicier than a menage-a-trois letter to the Just Joan page.- Gary, I can feel my ring-piece sting already.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51I want it mad, nippy, napalm burny, burny hot.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56- We are interested in your Ruby Murrays.- Have you any specials on?
0:16:56 > 0:17:04Boys, see if you want it full bung, go for the spicy lamb bhoona. It's dead popular. Or beef vindaloo.
0:17:04 > 0:17:11Or the chunky saag aloo. See if you're veggie, that's magic. Haggis pakora's a cheeky wee starter.
0:17:11 > 0:17:18Gie's a buzz if you want a shot of the staff curry, but it's no' for novices.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- That sounds delightful.- Right.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23We'll have two chicken Marylands.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28- No curries?- Curry schmurry. - We're only here for the banter.
0:17:33 > 0:17:38- Are we heading up to Reflections the night?- Course. It's Friday.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43We'll be, "Down periscope. What have we got here? Oh, you're a honey.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47"Torpedo. Mission accomplished."
0:17:47 > 0:17:52Cruisin' in - 15,000 feet. Babe at nine o'clock - got you in my sights.
0:17:52 > 0:17:58It's dark in here. Night-vision goggles. Captured. Prisoner of love.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01GRENADE IN! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
0:18:11 > 0:18:18'In the year 2345, the Federation Of Planets opened the Starfleet Academy near Carnoustie, in Scotland.
0:18:18 > 0:18:25'Four years later, its first regiments emerged to find themselves rewarded with the command
0:18:25 > 0:18:30'of Starfleet's newest vessel - the ion-impulse-powered Aurora.'
0:18:30 > 0:18:36Right, we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Get your belts on.- You'll no' catch us wearing belts, like poofters.
0:18:40 > 0:18:46- Captain.- What?- Gonnae let us got to the replicator? I'm starving.- Aye.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- If you bring us royal game soup and twa ootsiders.- Captain!- What noo?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55There a richt big hoor o' a spaceship coming.
0:18:55 > 0:19:01The bastarding thing's yin or twa sizes bigger than oors, ken?
0:19:01 > 0:19:08'These graduates never backed away from conflict, as they were fearless and highly trained.'
0:19:08 > 0:19:14Ah telt ye afore - any mair fist, an' I'll stick this up your crack.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16STAR TREK-TYPE MUSIC
0:19:18 > 0:19:24- Whit are you daein', ye daftie? - Haein' a go on the holodeck, ken?
0:19:33 > 0:19:37'Take a journey into the unknown with Captain McConnell...'
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Set phasers to malky.
0:19:39 > 0:19:45- '..his number one - O'Donnell...' - It's like hee-haw we've seen afore.
0:19:45 > 0:19:51- '..Doctor MacDonald...'- He's deid, Captain. Nae pulse or nothin'.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Will you stop keeking at my arse, you pervert!
0:19:55 > 0:20:00'..and McCabe, the android, and McDade, the communications officer.'
0:20:00 > 0:20:08- There's forces we cannae comprehend. - You're gaggin' for it, ken?- You've hee-haw chance of getting your hole.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12You're an android - you've cack-all knob!
0:20:15 > 0:20:21'In 60 seconds, we'll board your ship, and you'll surrender to us.'
0:20:21 > 0:20:24ALL: Och, awa' an' dinnae talk pish.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29'Taysiders In Space - In Amongst Youse.'
0:20:34 > 0:20:40- Excuse me.- Happy New Year, doll. - Ho, ho. You're got him well-trained.
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- Looks like a Benson.- Henpecked. - Deffo.- Sorry?- How can I help you?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- I want a refund with Lecotrox's no-quibble guarantee.- Certainly.
0:20:49 > 0:20:56- The no-quibble guarantee guarantees a no-quibble refund.- No trouble with quibbles.- We're quibbleless.
0:20:56 > 0:21:03- Zilch quibbles in da house.- Quibble has left the building.- Literally, nae quibbles.- 100% dequibbled.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- Quibbles, nul points. - Ooh! Is that a quibble?
0:21:07 > 0:21:15- Can I get my money back, then, please?- Sorry, no can do. - You said no quibbles at Lecotrox.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20- Lecotrox aren't quibbling.- But we changed hands.- We're Plugotrox noo.
0:21:20 > 0:21:27- You could take it up with our receivers.- Or buy a new TV with Plugotrox's no-quibble guarantee.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33- Guaranteed peace of mind.- Forget it. You people are scum. ..C'mon.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- No wantin' batteries for your strap-on?- Special offer!
0:22:11 > 0:22:15That's, er, £38.40.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Gie's a gobble.
0:22:24 > 0:22:31- Do we have to go in here? - Look, I promised my ma we'd pop in, say hello.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- Hey, hey! Come away in! - Aye, aye. Come away in.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I love visitors, eh.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Come on in and sit doon.
0:22:47 > 0:22:53- What a night we've planned for youse.- An' you'll no go thirsty either. I've got red kola
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- and pineappleade. Whit'll you have? - Actually...
0:22:57 > 0:23:01Ta-da! I thought we'd have a wee game of Monopoly.
0:23:01 > 0:23:07Monopoly. You've to watch him, an' all, cos he buys all the stations.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10Sit doon. Take your jaikets off.
0:23:10 > 0:23:16- Actually, we're not staying. We're just popping in.- Eh?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18We've got a party to go to.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Aye, you would have. Aye...
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Where's that, then?
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- His hoose. - Oh, aye, right. All the young yins.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Having a good time, an' that, all the young yins, aye.
0:23:31 > 0:23:39- Why don't you stay for a wee hour? We never see youse. You're getting that big.- I cannae. Pals, an' that.
0:23:39 > 0:23:47- I suppose you've...bigger fish to fry than us, eh?- 'S no' that. - Stay for a wee hauf-hour, eh?
0:23:47 > 0:23:54- Have a wee glass of juice.- Look at the bloody size of them. It's beer they want. ..You can split a tin.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57A beer. Stay for a wee beer.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01That's what you take. Us old fogies are offerin' you juice!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Mr McDade...please...
0:24:08 > 0:24:14- Away an' enjoy yourselves. - Aye, don't let us haud you back. Have a good time.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27We nearly had them greetin' there.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30One minute, thirty seconds.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- How long was it last year? - One minute, forty-five.
0:24:33 > 0:24:39- That's a classic. "We've got Monopoly"! Want a drink?- Love one.
0:24:43 > 0:24:50- Got these photies back from the chemist. Remember the mad holiday I was on with the wife?- Quality, man.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Steamin'.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Steamin'.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56Paralytic.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Quality, man.- Hung-over.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05Ohhh. there's Shirley on the beach, swimming costume on. Scrubs up well.
0:25:05 > 0:25:13- She's a darlin', man, total darlin'. - Total model.- Total stunner. - Total honey.- Total babe.- Total doll.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Here, dae you mind if I take that photie home for a wee chug?
0:25:25 > 0:25:29PUPPETS SPEAK "GAELIC"
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- Magic.- This is great.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Craoladh steamin'.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- A faireachdainn thirsty. - Iarr Drink?- Aye.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- Mhath.- Mhath.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- Cuine shutting time? - Nae shutting time.
0:25:48 > 0:25:53- E lock-in!- LOCK-IN! SMASHING!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Agus e polis?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Polis?!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00There's the polis there!
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Happy New Year!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15Clock this. Text photies.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17That's mental, man.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Gie's it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:38- I'm gonnae send that wan.- Coo-ul, eh, man? ..Who'd you send it tae?
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- You, man. - PHONE BEEPS
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, that's boggin'.
0:26:48 > 0:26:55- Well, Ruriadh, it's been some hike, but we're finally here.- I'll give you that, Alistair. It's some hike.
0:26:55 > 0:27:00- At first glance, you might say, "What is there to see here?"- You may,
0:27:00 > 0:27:06- but like all the rest of Scotland, just underneath the surface, bubbles a fabulous history.- Indeed.
0:27:06 > 0:27:13- In 1824, two farmers quarrelled about where one's land ended and the other's began.- The result was
0:27:13 > 0:27:21that they built a makeshift fence, a border if you like, just to separate their territories.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27This very fence stands as evidence that the dispute is far from settled.
0:27:27 > 0:27:34But hillwalkers can cross the fence, because both the landowners appreciate that it would be silly
0:27:34 > 0:27:41- to let their dispute spoil people's enjoyment of this countryside.- It's common knowledge amongst hillwalkers
0:27:41 > 0:27:46to get themselves over the fence by three o'clock,
0:27:46 > 0:27:49because then...it's electrified.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Couple of fannies.
0:28:02 > 0:28:07'It's kickoff in the final of the Ayrshire inter-pub league
0:28:07 > 0:28:13'five-a-side cup. The teams are making their final preparations.
0:28:13 > 0:28:18'There's the Kilbirnie Arms going into their huddle.'
0:28:18 > 0:28:20COACH ENCOURAGES THEM
0:28:20 > 0:28:26'And I think the New Cumnock All Bastards will do their haka.'
0:28:26 > 0:28:29CHANT: Get it up you, your ma's a dyke,
0:28:29 > 0:28:32your da's an alkie, you think you're wide,
0:28:32 > 0:28:35you're humped!
0:28:40 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Alison Haggart BBC Broadcast - 2002
0:28:44 > 0:28:46< Action!
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Hail no frequencies.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52< Cut.