0:00:03 > 0:00:05Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Community leader.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22They all know me... You like my suit?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Merry Christmas, neighbour.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37What do you think?
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Why does everyone cover their bloomin' houses in lights
0:00:39 > 0:00:42every Christmas? You people not heard of global warming?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Oh, careful, Mr Khan, sounds a bit bah-humbug.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Good. Now, bah-humbugger off!
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Hang on, is that my ladder?
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Mrs Khan said it'd be OK.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Bloomin' cheek. My ladder.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Well, maybe if you're a good boy, Father Christmas will bring you one of your own.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08What was that?
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Whoa!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Aaargh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:29Oi!
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- Not working! - It's a problem with the dish.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- SPEAKS URDU - ...lazy bugger!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Shazia, why do you let her sit in my chair?
0:01:37 > 0:01:39You know she leaves hairs all over it.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42She's highlighting all the telly she wants to watch over Christmas.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Why don't we ever do Christmas properly, Dad?
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Because we're Pakistani.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Bing Crosby isn't dreaming of a brown Christmas, is he?
0:01:51 > 0:01:54Couldn't we at least put up some tinsel? It's Christmas Eve.
0:01:54 > 0:01:58Other people have real trees and they have lights on their houses
0:01:58 > 0:02:00and wreaths on their doors, like Matt and Debbie.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Oh, not Matt and Debbaay!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05No-one likes all that stuff.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07They only do it because they have to.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09We're Muslim, we've got excuse.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11You just don't want to spend any money.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13That's not true, I'm very generous.
0:02:13 > 0:02:15- Look.- What's that?
0:02:15 > 0:02:16It's for the mosque charity collection.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21Biggest donor gets named in the newsletter as Muslim of the Month. Good, eh?
0:02:22 > 0:02:24But these are all MY things.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26Which you have generously donated.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29These are my shoes. They're brand new.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30It's for charity, Shazia.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33- Which charity?- That's not important.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38The important thing is, we give them a really big box of stuff and I win.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Well, shouldn't we be giving away old things we don't want any more?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Don't tempt me.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Papaji, you can take these.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- Thank you, Alia. - Hopefully
0:02:54 > 0:02:58they can help someone who can't afford to buy make-up.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Such a good girl!
0:03:00 > 0:03:01Can I have some money to go out?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Yes, of course.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Now, come on, help me find some other stuff to give away.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12No! Not my signed photo of Miss Clare Balding!
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Vah! What a woman!
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Why do you like her so much?
0:03:17 > 0:03:20We Pakistanis love her.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22She loves her sport, she's very healthy
0:03:22 > 0:03:24and she's friends with Mo Farah.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Now, I'm going to give Miss Balding her pride of place.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Just move you out of the way.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Mum doesn't like people moving her things, Papaji.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37She won't know, beti. Who's going to tell her - him?
0:03:37 > 0:03:39ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, God! Agh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Shush!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46SHE LAUGHS
0:03:46 > 0:03:48- SPEAKS URDU - ...idiot!
0:03:48 > 0:03:52SPEAKS URDU ...get out of my bloody chair!
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- SPEAKS URDU - ...fix bloody telly?
0:03:54 > 0:03:55I'm doing it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58You see, Shazia, that's all we need for our Christmas.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Two weeks in front of the telly with a plate of chicken biryani.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04How much more Christmas can you get?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Please, Dad. What about a bit of tinsel?
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Chup! How many times? We're not doing Christmas and that's final! Baas!
0:04:11 > 0:04:12Your father has spoken.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13We're doing Christmas!
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- What?- That was Auntie Fatma.
0:04:16 > 0:04:20They're all coming over, so I've decided we're doing Christmas!
0:04:20 > 0:04:21Exciting, isn't it?
0:04:22 > 0:04:23But, sweetie...
0:04:23 > 0:04:27For one day, my whole family will be together in one place.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30So I want to do a traditional Christmas before it's too late.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32What are you talking about?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Think about it. Shazia's always wanted us to do Christmas.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39This will be our last chance before she marries Amjad and leaves us.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41And soon Alia will be off to university.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43And what about my mother? She won't be here for ever.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45I wouldn't bet on it.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48It's now or never.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Mum's right. We should all do Christmas together.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Why, thank you, Alia.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- So, can I go out?- No!
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Right, now, we just need a few things. A Christmas tree,
0:04:59 > 0:05:01some decorations, a turkey...
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And some crackers! And some mince pies. And some Christmas lights!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06It's too late. It's Christmas Eve!
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Come on, where's your Christmas spirit? Don't you remember
0:05:10 > 0:05:13the first Christmas we had in this country?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- Remember how cold it felt after Pakistan?- Yes.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20We spent the whole day huddled in front of that single-bar heater
0:05:20 > 0:05:21in the flat in Ladywood.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Yes. We were so close to it, we both singed our moustaches.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oi!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31So can we do Christmas then?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33- No!- Yes!- Yay!
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Right, I'll get the food and you get the tree and all the decorations.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39But I've got to get my charity donations to the mosque.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Oh, yes, and don't forget to fix the satellite dish for Naani.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44Oh, God!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Come on!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52SWITCHES ON RADIO
0:05:52 > 0:05:57# Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day... #
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I don't!
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Oh!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04# Last Christmas, I gave you my heart... #
0:06:04 > 0:06:06No, thank you!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- ...BBC Asian Network.- Ah!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11# It's Christma-a-a-as...! #
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Shut up!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Come on!
0:06:45 > 0:06:46Honestly!
0:06:48 > 0:06:49Merry Christmas.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Ah! Salaam aleikum, Merry Christmas...
0:06:53 > 0:06:54Salaam aleikum, Merry Christmas.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Ah, Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- It's me.- Oh. Hello, Dave.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02What the hell is going on?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05The local church is using the community centre for their Christmas Fayre.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09And what's next? Kumbaya instead of the call to prayer?
0:07:09 > 0:07:14We can still celebrate Christmas. After all, Jesus is a Muslim prophet too.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16Yes, but he's not the best one.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I think it's a great opportunity to bring the whole community together.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22And what about my charity donations?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Aha, what have we here?
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Oi! Hands off, Dibley.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29This is Reverend Green, Mr Khan. The charity donations are all for him.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30No bloody way!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It's all right, you still get to be Muslim of the Month.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Oh, right. Well, in that case, please accept my generous donation...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- your holiness.- Thank you.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- So, what you going to do with them? - Well, we'll sort through it all,
0:07:42 > 0:07:43put some stuff with the bric-a-brac.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Anything really good will be wrapped for Santa's grotto.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48No need to sort it. This is all top quality.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You want to stick it straight up your grotto.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52It's very generous of you.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You're welcome, Revy.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57You know, charity is one of the Five Pillars of Islam.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00You can convert if you want. We'll take anyone.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Look at Dave.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Thank you, but I could never abandon my flock.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- You've got a flock? - Yes, I am their shepherd.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10And I've grown very close to some of them over the years.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Crikey! And I thought we had problems.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21What do you think, Mum?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23- Hm?- For Amjad?
0:08:23 > 0:08:26We said we weren't going to buy each other presents,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29because we're saving up for the deposit on the flat, but I couldn't resist it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It's very nice.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It's hard though, isn't it, choosing presents?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35It's got to be what they want,
0:08:35 > 0:08:37but without them realising it's what they want.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Ah, like the time I got your father a new razor for his back hair.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Exactly!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47What's the best present you've ever had?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- A Dancing Arab.- A what?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51A Dancing Arab.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54It's just a little thing. It's on the sideboard in the living room.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57That? But that's...
0:08:57 > 0:09:00I know. Cheap and nasty.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03But, you see, beti, when I was a little girl,
0:09:03 > 0:09:06my father always favoured your Auntie Fatma.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10Then, one year, he gave me a present. The Dancing Arab.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13He said he'd seen it in the bazaar and he thought I'd like it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17I've always kept it because it meant that my Papaji loved me.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23I hope Amjad's got me something nice.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26I thought you said you weren't getting each other presents.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29I know, but he knows I didn't mean it.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31How's the turkey?
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Fine. I got the last one in the whole supermarket!
0:09:35 > 0:09:38It's huge! Do you know how long to cook it for?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Of course. It's just a big chicken.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Is it Halal?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50It's OK, it's fine. It says it here.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Oh, praise be to ASDA!
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Enjoying the Fayre, Mr Khan?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Not really. Have you seen the price of this stuff?
0:10:03 > 0:10:06As far as I'm concerned, Christmas is just an excuse to get money out of people.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09I do wish you'd enter into the spirit of it, Mr Khan.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12You might find that Christmas can be a very enjoyable and uplifting experience.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Really?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17You know, I might take you more seriously if you weren't dressed as...
0:10:17 > 0:10:18What are you dressed as?
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Can't you guess? It's a Christmas Fayre.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22A gingerbread man?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- No.- Because you're a ginger.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28I'll give you a clue - I've got a very shiny nose.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Sir Alex Ferguson?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I'm Rudolph.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34The red-nosed reindeer?
0:10:34 > 0:10:38Seriously, Dave, where's your pride?
0:10:38 > 0:10:39Where's your dignity?
0:10:39 > 0:10:43I've never seen anyone looking so ridiculous in all my life.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Maybe I have.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. - Salaam aleikum.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Waleikum assalam. What are you doing here?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56- We're here to help out. - I like the Christmas.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00In Somalia, everybody celebrates Christmas Day. We have a big party.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05It goes on all night long and everybody sings and dances
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and fires their guns in the air.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What, and then you have a big lie-in on Boxing Day?
0:11:09 > 0:11:12No, Boxing Day is very sad time
0:11:12 > 0:11:14when we bury those killed by the falling bullets.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20You two should be ashamed of yourselves - dressed like that!
0:11:20 > 0:11:23We're representing our community here. It's not bloody pantomime!
0:11:23 > 0:11:24- BOTH:- Sorry.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27- Where's Amjad? BOTH:- He's behind you.
0:11:28 > 0:11:29Hello, sir.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30Hello, Amjad.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31You see? No silly costumes.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34I'm the Christmas fairy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, God!
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Are you doing some last-minute present shopping?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42No, Shazia and me agreed we weren't going to get each other presents.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Right. But you got her one anyway.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47No. She told me not to.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50I'm not sure she really means that, Amjad.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51What?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56The women say that, but it is a test to see if you really love them.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58But I do really love her.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Oh, no!
0:12:03 > 0:12:04How are we all getting on?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06We're getting ripped off, that's how we're getting on.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08This stuff costs a bloody fortune!
0:12:08 > 0:12:10But it's all for a good cause.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14So, tell me, your Fathership, how much discount do you get?
0:12:14 > 0:12:15I'm not sure I know what you mean.
0:12:15 > 0:12:20Come on, Viccy, it's the church Christmas Fayre.
0:12:20 > 0:12:21You must get trade price.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Don't tell me you pay retail! - Really, Mr Khan...
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Supposing someone wants to get some tinsel,
0:12:27 > 0:12:31some crackers, some shiny little balls, maybe a tree....
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- We haven't got any trees. - You must do.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Sorry. But you have left it a bit late.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You should have got your tree early, Mr Khan. That's what I always do.
0:12:38 > 0:12:43You know what, Dave? This is the worst Christmas Fayre this mosque has ever had!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47MUTTERS UNDER BREATH
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Ah!
0:12:51 > 0:12:52Right.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Oh, Merry Christmas, mate! - Salaam aleikum.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57How can I help you?
0:12:57 > 0:12:58I'm looking for Christmas tree.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Ah, it's your lucky day, I've got one left.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01- How much?- 50 quid.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04£50? Is it a famous tree?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I don't think so.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09I don't want the actual tree Baby Jesus was born in.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I want the ordinary one.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13That's all I've got, mate. Look, we do wrap it up
0:13:13 > 0:13:14and deliver it to your car for you.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17For £50 I expect you to bring it home,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19put it up and stick a bloody fairy on top.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21That's just how much it costs.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Can't you do a deal for Muslims?
0:13:23 > 0:13:26We don't believe in Christmas, it should be cheaper for us.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27Hey, what are you doing?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- I'm getting a Christmas tree. - That's mine.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- You haven't bought it, have you? - Well, I was going to.- It's too late.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Aah! Ohh!
0:13:35 > 0:13:36But he hasn't got any others.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Why don't you try somewhere else?
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I suppose. But my daughter will be very disappointed.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46It's her first Christmas, you see.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50And I promised I'd bring back a proper tree.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52And she may not get another one.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56I find it hard to manage alone.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59I mean, her mother's around, but she doesn't help much.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02And after the accident...
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Fair enough, mate.
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Thank you.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08Thank you.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Come on, come on.
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Come on!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18RADIO PLAYS
0:14:18 > 0:14:22MUSIC: "Wonderful Christmas Time" by Paul McCartney and Wings
0:14:26 > 0:14:28# The moon is right
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# The spirit's up
0:14:31 > 0:14:34# We're here tonight
0:14:34 > 0:14:36# And that's enough
0:14:36 > 0:14:40# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:14:41 > 0:14:46# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:14:47 > 0:14:48# The party's on
0:14:49 > 0:14:51# The feeling's here
0:14:52 > 0:14:53# That only comes
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# This time of year
0:14:55 > 0:15:01# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:15:01 > 0:15:07# Simply having a wonderful Christmas time
0:15:07 > 0:15:08# Oh-oh... #
0:15:08 > 0:15:11We're having such a great time cooking Christmas dinner.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Alia, why don't you come and help? - OK!
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Or I could just go out. - You can't go out.
0:15:18 > 0:15:19I don't even have my own life.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- SPEAKS URDU:- ...Call The Midwife!
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Mr Khan will be back soon, Ummi.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I can't wait for Dad to get back with all the decorations.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- And the tree.- I know.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33It's going to be so wonderful, our first Christmas.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37And my whole family will be here to share it...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40even my Papaji, in a way.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- Where is it?- Kya?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45My Dancing Arab. Where is it?
0:15:45 > 0:15:46Is it important?
0:15:46 > 0:15:50It's the one thing from my childhood that proves my father really loved me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51So...?
0:15:52 > 0:15:53Everybody look for it!
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Come on!
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- Oh, wait. I think Dad took it.- What?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02He was making space for Clare Balding.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Ohh!
0:16:05 > 0:16:08PHONE: # Bismillah, no We will not let you go... #
0:16:08 > 0:16:09Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Oh, hello, sweetie darling.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Yes, I've got the tree and I'm on my way home.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18What thing?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Sweetie, calm down, I don't know what you're talking about.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26What, that stupid Arab thing?
0:16:26 > 0:16:31That's what I said, that stupid Arab important family heirloom thing.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Yes, of course I've got it!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38Yes, I know how important it is to you. Why would I lose it?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40OK, bye, sweetie.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41Oh, twaddi!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56- Oi!- Ah!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It's a Christmas miracle!
0:17:00 > 0:17:01Oh, God!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12- Er, excuse me, there's a queue. - What are you doing?
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- To the back, we've been here for ages.- All right!
0:17:14 > 0:17:16We've spent ages waiting.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18MR KHAN MUMBLES
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Where is it, where is it?- Mr Khan?
0:17:49 > 0:17:50Hai!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Salaam aleikum and a Merry Christmas.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I was just making sure you had a full sack.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, no worries there.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I'd better get suited up and start giving this lot out.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02No, you can't do that!
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Well, I am Santa.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Yes. I know. But, er...why don't you let me do it?
0:18:07 > 0:18:08I thought you didn't do Christmas?
0:18:08 > 0:18:10I know, but I was thinking,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13we Muslims should get more involved in this whole Christmassy thing.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- It's so much fun, isn't it? - Well, yes...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Deer old Rudolf, piggy pudding
0:18:18 > 0:18:21and the Cliff Richard Christmas Carol Vordermans.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Yes, but the thing is...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And imagine how great it would be for community relations
0:18:25 > 0:18:27for you to have a brown Santa, hm?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28But I do it every year.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Are you saying you can't have a brown Santa?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31No, of course not, no.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Santa should be Pakistani - he's got big bushy beard,
0:18:34 > 0:18:38he flies halfway round the world to get here and he works on Christmas Day.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42I suppose I could nip out for a cup of tea and a mince pie.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Off you go, then. I'll take it from here.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Why do they wrap them up?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Santa, you have to help me!
0:18:59 > 0:19:02I need to get a present for my fiancee.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04She said we weren't doing presents,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07so I thought she didn't want me to get one.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09But it turns out she meant she did want me to get one.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10So I have to get one!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Ho-ho-ho!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15It's not funny!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Amjad! It's me! Mr Khan.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22You're Father Christmas?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25But if...?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Then how...?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27When?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Right, I haven't got time for this.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33But, sir, I need to get a present for Shazia. I've looked everywhere.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35You see, this is what happens
0:19:35 > 0:19:38when we Pakistanis get involved with other people's traditions.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40I bet you don't find other men running around
0:19:40 > 0:19:43looking for last-minute Christmas presents for their fiancees!
0:19:44 > 0:19:46What am I going to do?
0:19:46 > 0:19:47I'm like the worst fiance in the world.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Here.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Thanks, Mr Khan Santa!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56You're welcome.
0:20:00 > 0:20:01Oh, twaddi!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Hello, Father Christmas. This is Bradley.
0:20:04 > 0:20:05Oh, God!
0:20:05 > 0:20:06Sit down.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10What do I do?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11You give him a present.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12Oh, twaddi!
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Salaam aleikum. There you go. Merry Christmas.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Can't I choose my present?
0:20:19 > 0:20:23No! It's Santa's Grotto, it's not flipping Argos!
0:20:24 > 0:20:25But how do you know I'll like it?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's a foot spa. You'll love it. Now come on, off you go.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- I'll have it.- You're not really Father Christmas!
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Well done, Sherlock.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Hey, what do you think you're doing?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- Cool.- No! You can't have that. Put it back!
0:20:40 > 0:20:41No way!
0:20:41 > 0:20:43- I'll swap you the whole sack for it. - No.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Give it here!
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Bradley! What's going on in there?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Santa's stealing my present!
0:20:52 > 0:20:53You! Now, look...
0:20:53 > 0:20:55First the Christmas tree, now...
0:20:55 > 0:20:59ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:21:01 > 0:21:02SHOUTING AND ARGUING
0:21:06 > 0:21:08SHOUTING
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Get off me. Get off me!
0:21:11 > 0:21:15SHOUTING CONTINUES
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Oh, God!
0:21:26 > 0:21:27- WOMAN:- Oi!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Oh, fiddlesticks!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Where are you? They'll be here any minute.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39'Sweetie, I had a bit of trouble with the car, but I'm on my way.'
0:21:39 > 0:21:41What trouble? How are you getting here?
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I found alternative transportation.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Oh, God, what are you doing? Not through the Muslim area!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Salaam aleikum!
0:21:57 > 0:21:59There's one there. Where are you going?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Not through there!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04HE GROANS
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Oh, twaddi! Please, no!
0:22:10 > 0:22:11Merry Christmas!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Come on, Amjad.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17I don't think I like Christmas any more.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25So kind of you to invite me to your...family Christmas.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Well, once Amjad and Shazia are married, you will be part of our family.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32How nice.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36And thank you so much for the presents.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Oh, please, it was nothing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43And of course I knew you wouldn't be buying any.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45- WHISPERS:- Mum.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52I don't think the turkey's cooked. It looks dead pasty.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55OK, turn it up to max. Give it all we've got!
0:22:57 > 0:22:58I'm really tired, sir.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Amjad, shut up.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02I'm the one doing the work now!
0:23:03 > 0:23:05CHILDREN SHOUT
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Ohhh!
0:23:08 > 0:23:11The kids are getting closer, sir!
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Aghhh!
0:23:16 > 0:23:19Oh, it's going to be wonderful, a perfect Christmas!
0:23:19 > 0:23:22And when the tree's up and all the decorations are up,
0:23:22 > 0:23:25it's going to be lovely, lovely, lovely!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27DOORBELL RINGS
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Ho-ho-ho!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Hello, sweetie.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40I got your thing.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42What happened?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44The kids caught up with us on the Stratford Road.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46They took everything. It was horrible.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49So...the tinsel?
0:23:51 > 0:23:52The decorations?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54The crackers?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57What about the tree?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06You've ruined everything!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08I got your stupid thing back.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11And I've got you a tree. What more can I do?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- SPEAKS URDU:- ...or fix bloody telly!
0:24:19 > 0:24:22Oh, Christmas! Merry Christmas!
0:24:37 > 0:24:38This is nice.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Interesting choice, having a pigeon instead of a turkey.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I wanted this all to be so nice.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51And now it's ruined.
0:24:52 > 0:24:55Come on, Mum. At least you'll get to see your sister.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59Oh, I forgot to say, Auntie Fatma called. She's not coming.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01But we've still got the tree, and the presents,
0:25:01 > 0:25:07and Dad's fixing the telly for Naani and you've got Grandad back safe and sound.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10MR KHAN: Oh, God!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12CAT MIAOWS Oh! Ohh! Ohh!
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Oh, twaddi!
0:25:13 > 0:25:14Help! Help!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Help!
0:25:16 > 0:25:17CLATTERING
0:25:17 > 0:25:18Agh!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21Oh, my God!
0:25:39 > 0:25:42We might not be able to get Channel 5.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46You idiot! What have you done?
0:25:46 > 0:25:50It's not my bloody fault!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53This is the problem with Christmas, it never goes right!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I tried telling you all, but did anyone listen to me?
0:25:56 > 0:25:57Oh, no!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Maybe you're right.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03What was I thinking?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Christmas isn't for us.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07I should never even have tried.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Come on, get up.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- Everybody out. Come on, up, up, up.- What are you doing?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Come on.- Where are we going?
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Up, everyone. Come on, up, up. And you, come on.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Come on. Bloody Christmas!
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas. Come on.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Come on, come on, come on.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What's going on?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Chup!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Merry Christmas!
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# Silent night
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# Holy night
0:26:41 > 0:26:42# All is calm... #
0:26:42 > 0:26:44All right, boys?
0:26:44 > 0:26:48# All is bright
0:26:48 > 0:26:52# Round yon Virgin
0:26:52 > 0:26:56# Mother and child
0:26:56 > 0:27:02# Holy infant so tender and mild
0:27:02 > 0:27:09# Sleep in heavenly peace... #
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Merry Christmas, everyone!
0:27:11 > 0:27:16# Sleep in heavenly peace. #
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Oi!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20They're my lights!