0:00:04 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:11 > 0:00:14MUSIC
0:00:19 > 0:00:21'They all know me. You like my suit?'
0:00:26 > 0:00:28'Number one, Citizen Khan.'
0:00:31 > 0:00:34- You all right in there, Naanijan? - 'Haan.'
0:00:34 > 0:00:36(CLEARS PHLEGM)
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Right, who's in the bathroom?
0:00:39 > 0:00:43Don't tell me. Is it your grandmother again? Come on!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- Dad! She's 80 years old! - When she went in, maybe!
0:00:46 > 0:00:52- Dad!- What? She's probably fallen asleep! Can you hear any splashing?
0:00:54 > 0:01:00Exactly. Wakey wakey! We got Crunchy Nut Cornflakes for breakfast!
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- I got to be out the house in half an hour.- What's with the briefcase?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham has invited me,
0:01:07 > 0:01:10your father, Mr Khan, to their annual conference.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11Sounds great!
0:01:11 > 0:01:17Yes. I'll be networking with some of the most important small businessmen in the West Midlands.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20We got lunch, dinner, and name-tag.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- How much did you have to pay? - That's not important, Shazia.
0:01:24 > 0:01:28The main thing is, your father is going up in the world.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32You know, when I first came to this country I had nothing.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And here I am, now only 30 years later,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37getting face time with the big knobs.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Very similar thing happened to Lord Sir Alan Sugars.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Come on! People are waiting!
0:01:45 > 0:01:48At this rate, I won't get time for my three "shushes".
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- What are they? - Shave, shower and...- Dad!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Shampoo!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54FLUSH IS PULLED
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Finally!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, God!
0:02:00 > 0:02:04She's been here three weeks, and been stuck in the toilet every single day!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It's not broken, it's just sticky.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11You have to lift it up, pull to the right and give it a firm yank.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- She can't do it. - Mum told you to fix that lock.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Just lift it up and give it a firm yank!
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Yeh kya keh raha hai idiot?
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I bet Lord Sir Alan Sugars doesn't have to get his mother-in-law out of the toilet every morning.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Morning, Naanijaan. Everything OK?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Cha!
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Haat! Haat!
0:02:43 > 0:02:48- Amjad's here!- Hello, Amjad. - Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, Naanijan.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52We've got to choose a colour for the bedroom for when we're married! What do you think of that one?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55It's nice. What about my bedroom?
0:02:55 > 0:02:59LAUGHTER
0:02:59 > 0:03:02You won't have your own room when we're married, will you?
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Well, where will I be sleeping then?
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- In our room.- "Our" room?- Yeah. - In the same bed?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12Yeah.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14What, every night?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15Yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16Wow!
0:03:18 > 0:03:20KHAN CLEARS PHLEGM LOUDLY
0:03:20 > 0:03:21The novelty soon wears off.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26I'm going to be late now.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30Oh, look at this! Bloody paper complaining about immigration again.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- I don't know why you buy that paper. - Because I agree with it!
0:03:33 > 0:03:38There's too many bloody immigrants come in to this country.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- You're an immigrant, Dad. - I'm not an immigrant, sweetie. I've been here 30 years!
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Immigrants are the Eastern Europeans, coming over here, taking our jobs.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Jobs meant for us Pakistanis!
0:03:50 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Dad!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55All right, British Pakistanis!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58So we are British, not Pakistani?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Look, we work hard, we go to mosque,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05we pray to Allah five times a day, how much more British can you get?!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09Where's my tea? I've got to go.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13There's no milk in my chai.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Ah, we've run out. Naani had the last of it. She likes milky chai.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I can think of one immigrant I'd like to send home.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23SHE SLURPS TEA
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Ya hanh bohat sardi hai, uppar karo do central heating.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- She's cold, turn up the heating. - It's already on max!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33What does she want me to do, set fire to her salwaar?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35LAUGHTER
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Be nice to her, it's her birthday.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I'm making a special cake for her party tonight.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43The whole thing is a big surprise so don't spoil it!
0:04:43 > 0:04:46You don't want to surprise her too much, you might finish her off.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50Have we got any party poppers?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Remember, you're taking her shopping this afternoon.- But I can't! - Why not?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57I'm going to my conference.
0:04:57 > 0:05:02- Pakistani Business Association of Birmingham, I told you! - You didn't tell me.- I did!
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- I want you to take her to M&S to buy cardigans.- I can't do it!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09It's a present for her. We have to get her a treat.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Ah, hang on. I've already got her a present.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Really? What is it?
0:05:14 > 0:05:19A very special gift. Exclusive and unique. I got it from NHS Direct.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Especially designed for old ladies.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Look at that! Helmet part in case she falls over,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31the bottles in here to stop dehydration.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34She can put her milky chai in it.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- You can't give her that.- Why not? Has she already got one?
0:05:38 > 0:05:43- Just take her to the shops. - But I can't.- Take her now!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Fine! I'll do everything!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Naanijaan's on the sofa and now she can't get up again!
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Oh, my God!
0:05:53 > 0:05:57Be careful! She's an old lady!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00All right, get out the way. stand back! Stand back!
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Let the dog see the old goat.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Right, come on Naanijaan. On teen.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11Ek, do, teen...
0:06:11 > 0:06:12Come on! Up!
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Yeh kiya kar raha uloo?
0:06:15 > 0:06:16My back!
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Oh, my God! Yeh kya hora ha hai Koi maddat kareh. Somebody help!
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- What should I do?- Grab her arms!
0:06:22 > 0:06:24AH!
0:06:24 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Perfect!
0:06:28 > 0:06:29Hai! My back!
0:06:29 > 0:06:34- I think it might be broken. - Naani, are you OK?- Haan.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41All right, Naanijan?
0:06:49 > 0:06:54OK, Naani? You finish your chai, and then Mr Khan will take you shopping. Won't you?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Right! Fine! Then I'll get to my conference later.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Oh, yes, and take her to the mosque first - she likes to pray there.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01But then I'll never make it!
0:07:01 > 0:07:05I don't care about your conference. my mother is more important, OK?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Chalup, have a good time and we'll see you later.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13- Right, come on then. Let's get this over with.- Namaz.- What?- Namaz.
0:07:13 > 0:07:18- No, we're going shopping. Not time for prayers, understand! - Namaz!- No-ho!
0:07:18 > 0:07:23We're praying at the mosque! Masjid mein! Masjid mein!
0:07:25 > 0:07:28You're facing the wrong way!
0:07:28 > 0:07:34- Hanh?- You're facing the wrong way! Galat hai! Oh, God!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I know what I'll be praying for.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Areh jaldi karo namaz ka waqt hora ha hai.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I know it's nearly prayer time. We're at the mosque, aren't we?
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Asalaam alaikum, Mr Khan.- Waleikum asalaam, Riaz. How's it going?- Good.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21- Just got one more to do. - Did you hear that?
0:08:21 > 0:08:26This would be a good time to go. You'd be at the front of the queue.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- The mother-in-law.- Asalaam Alaikum. - Asalaam Alaikum.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31How are you enjoying Sparkhill?
0:08:31 > 0:08:34It's OK. This is Omar. He's from Somalia.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Muslim like us, but he's got a funny accent.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Come on, this way.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51What do think of the mosque? Good, eh?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55Mujay lagra hai doctor waiting room.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58All right. This is just the mosque office. Prayer room is down the corridor.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Hum kab ja rahey Marks and Spencers?
0:09:01 > 0:09:04I thought you wanted to pray? Make your bloody mind up!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Namaz pehlay, phir cardigans.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Right, come on then, choppity chop.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Ladies' prayer room is second on the right.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17You want to get in God's good books - you might be seeing him soon!
0:09:17 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Mr Khan, can I have a quick word?
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I'm making a phone call. Can you wait outside?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30It is my office. I am the mosque manager.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34ALl right. AlL right. I still don't know how you got this job.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37What was it? Equal opportunity scheme for gingers?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38LAUGHTER
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Oh, hello, Mr Bhutt?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Yes, it's Mr Khan speaking.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47No, Mr Khan. Khan.
0:09:47 > 0:09:52K, H for Hat, A for Asian, N for Knowledge.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Yes, that's me. I'm supposed to be coming to the conference...
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- Mr Khan, have you parked in the... - I'm on the phone, Dave!
0:10:00 > 0:10:03Yes, I was wondering, if you don't come to the lunch,
0:10:03 > 0:10:05can you get some money back?
0:10:07 > 0:10:08No. I see.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10No, don't remove my place name!
0:10:10 > 0:10:15- Mr Khan...- Oh, no. That's my secretary, Margaret.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18A cup of tea, darling. Two sugars and a couple of ginger nuts.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Yes, yes. I'm still coming.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Yes. OK. I'm coming. I'll be there. OK. OK. Bye. OK. OK. Bye.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29What do you want?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I couldn't help noticing you're parked in the disabled bay.
0:10:33 > 0:10:34Mr Qureshi never minded.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Yes, well, Mr Qureshi is in a retirement home in Balsall Heath
0:10:37 > 0:10:41and those bays are only for people with genuine disabilities.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- That's not very Muslim, is it?- Sorry?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Well, this kind of discrimination, not very Muslim.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49- I'm afraid I don't follow.- Ah, well, you're new to this game.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52What you have to remember, Dave, is that God, Muslim God,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55he's a very nice fellow. He sees all men the same.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Man with one leg, one arm. Those ones with the really big head.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- He doesn't care. We're all equal, you see?- Right.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05So you giving a special parking space to disableds
0:11:05 > 0:11:07is going against the teachings of Islam.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09I don't think that's what I'm...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12We're all the same in God's eyes, Dave.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And if I have to park in the disabled space to prove it, then I will.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Couldn't you just move your car?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21I mean, what if someone less able than you needs it?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26- I got someone less able.- What? - How about that then?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Look at her. She's practically falling apart.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35Mein khudhkhushi karloongi agar nahin jarai Marks & Spencer.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37All right. I'm taking you.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39I didn't realise you had an elderly person with you.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41She's the mother-in-law.
0:11:41 > 0:11:46- Yeh kaun hai?- This is Dave, Naani. The mosque manager.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50I know, I can't get my head round it either.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Asalaam alaikum. - Waleikum Asalaam.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- Can I get you anything? Cup of tea? - Ek cup garam cha PG Tip.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00All right. We haven't got time for that! I've got to go to my business conference.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03They're serving minestrone soup for lunch.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Go on. Get your coat.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I tell you, she's a bloody nightmare, Dave.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Praying every five minutes.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12God must be sick of the sight of her.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15If she's not praying, she's peeing.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Don't the scholars teach us to look after our elders
0:12:18 > 0:12:20and treat them with the utmost respect?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24They weren't hanging around the ladies' bogs on the Stratford Road.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Looking after old people can be tricky.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I've got the mosque lady pensioners in today. Some of them can be a bit of a handful, I can tell you.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Dave?- Hmm?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Maybe I can leave Naani here with you?
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- You can take her to the shops for me. - Oh, er, I don't think I can.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43Why not? She's no trouble. You've got the other ones in anyway.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Yes, but they're planning a day of reading from the Qur'an.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47There's plenty of time for that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50You want to get these old birds some retail therapy.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54Take her to the Bullring. She'll love it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- I suppose I could take the minibus. - There you go. - We could make it a regular thing.
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- Brilliant.- Help to integrate the mosque worshippers with the wider community.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06It's been a long time since anyone's integrated her, I tell you.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11Hey! You'll be getting a ride on the minibus. Good, eh?
0:13:11 > 0:13:12SHE TUTS
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh, she loves you. I can tell.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16You're going to have a great time.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Just point her in the direction of the knitwear section and let her go.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22She'll be happy as Barry.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Does she know her way around town?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Oh, yes. If the town you're talking about is Rawalpindi.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I'm just thinking, you know, it's a big place.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Don't worry. I've got just the thing.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40There you go.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44You'll spot her a mile away.
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Have fun.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47OK. Bye.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53Name tag? Check. Suit? Check. Briefcase...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Oh, buddy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Hurry up. Naanijaan will be back any minute now.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02DOORBELL RINGS
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Oh, no. The guests are arriving already.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Oh, that'll be Mrs Ramiz. She did say she was going to come early.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Alia, go and answer the door.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Surprise party? How exciting.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17- Yes!- Of course, most elderly people don't like surprises.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19But I'm sure your mother is different.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22- Yes.- So, how old is she going to be?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25- She's 80.- 80!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29So she must have had you when she was very young.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I love surprise parties.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Hey. Maybe I can organise a surprise party for you for our wedding?
0:14:43 > 0:14:45But you've told me now.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47- Yes?- So it won't be a surprise.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Ah, yes.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Hey, Mummy, did you know that when we are married
0:14:53 > 0:14:57we get to sleep in the same bed every night.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- Dad!- Alia.- Where's Naanijan?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12She's, er, at the mosque, praying. Dave's looking after her.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Now, where's your mother? - In the kitchen.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16- Right. Have you seen my briefcase?- Why?
0:15:16 > 0:15:21- It's got all my important papers in it.- It might be upstairs.- Great.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23I must say, I do like your outfit.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26Oh, thank you. It's new.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Don't tell Mr Malik.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30Of course.
0:15:30 > 0:15:35It's just so nice to have an excuse to dress up, though.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36It is.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39So what will you be wearing?
0:15:41 > 0:15:47I... Er, Shazia, why don't you take Mrs Malik through to the parlour?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49The what?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52The room with the TV.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Mrs Ramiz, what are you doing in here?!
0:16:12 > 0:16:14I'll just leave you to, er...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Why didn't you lock the door, you silly Billy?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20- It's broken.- Don't worry. We'll be out of here in a jiffy.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23There's a knack to this. You just have to...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26HE GRUNTS
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Don't worry, Mrs Ramiz. We'll be out of here in a moment.
0:16:29 > 0:16:34You just have to lift it up, pull to the right and give it a firm yank.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38- Uh?- Is that you, Amjad?- Yes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- I'm in here with Mrs Ramiz.- OK.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45- We're stuck. - OK. Shall I go get Mrs Khan?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47No! Don't bother her with this.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Just go and get me some WD40.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Why don't you take a seat?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I wonder why Mum's taking so long to get ready?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42She must be redoing her hair and make up as well.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44- Do you think?- Well, I hope so.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51Ahhh, Mr Khan. Asalaam alaikum.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Waleikum Asalaam, Mrs Malik. No Mr Malik?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Working.- Always working, huh?
0:17:57 > 0:18:01I think it's more important to spend time with the people you love.
0:18:01 > 0:18:02I'm always telling Mrs Khan.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04To us, family is family.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Her mother is my mother.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Her children are my children.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Very laudable, I'm sure.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14That's me. Family comes first.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Right. I'm going to my business conference.- What?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Pakistani Business Association Of Birmingham.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23If I hurry, I'll just catch Mr Butt's PowerPoint presentation
0:18:23 > 0:18:25on the history of Cash and Carrys in the West Midlands.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29- Hello, darling. Goodbye, darling. - Er, where's Naani?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Did you take her to M&S? - Yes, of course.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34But she wanted to do more praying. You know what she's like.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36I couldn't get her off the floor.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40OK. But the rest of the guests will be arriving soon.
0:18:40 > 0:18:41Everyone's coming.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Even Mrs Ramiz has shown her face.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47She's shown a lot more than that.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Naani can't be late for her own party.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Don't worry. Dave is bringing her.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- She'll be here any moment. - Yeah, but...
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Chillax, sweetie. It'll all be OK.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02DOORBELL RINGS There you go. See?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN
0:19:03 > 0:19:06All right. All right. Keep your hair on.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Hello, Dave.- She's gone, Mr Khan.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13- What?- Naanijan, I've lost her. - What do you mean, you've lost her?
0:19:13 > 0:19:16How can you lose an 80-year-old Pakistani woman?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18I got confused. There are too many of them.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19Careful, Dave. That sounds a bit racist.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- I just meant they all look the same. - That's better.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28One minute, she was with me. Then I had to take Mr Farzai to the toilet.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- I can't believe this. - Neither could I.- What's going on?
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Nothing.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36What are you doing?!
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Let's have a little chat in here.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41But where's Naani? You said Dave was bringing her.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43- Yes, absolutely right. - So where is she?
0:19:43 > 0:19:45- Dave?- Well, the thing is...
0:19:45 > 0:19:46What happened was...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48Don't tell me you've lost my mother!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51No, of course not. She's not lost. We know exactly where she is.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Where?- Dave?
0:19:55 > 0:19:56In Millets.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00I thought you said she was praying?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Dave! How many times have I told you? Don't let her pray in Millets.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09Well, I know she wanted a cardigan,
0:20:09 > 0:20:11but I thought a fleece might be more practical
0:20:11 > 0:20:13and they've got great outdoor gear.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Outdoor gear?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Dave! She's going home to Pakistan.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20She's not white-water rafting with Bear-bloody-Grylls.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25So you left her in the shop with an assistant?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- Yes.- Exactly. So it's all fine, you see?
0:20:28 > 0:20:32She was trying to choose between the half zip and full zip, you see.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36I said the full zip might be better because you don't have to pull it over your head
0:20:36 > 0:20:40- which can be quite tricky for an elderly person. - All right, Dave. Don't overdo it.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43OK. But what am I supposed to tell all the guests?
0:20:43 > 0:20:49It's OK. We're going to go and get her and it will all be tickety boo.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Well, go on then!
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Have you seen my mother-in-law? She's an old woman like this...
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Naani?
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Naani?
0:21:35 > 0:21:37It's OK. I'm just praying.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Excuse me. Excuse me. Naani? Hold on!
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Naani. Excuse me. Excuse me, lady.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Excuse me. Naani?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Oh, God.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Excuse me. Excuse me.
0:21:57 > 0:21:58Excuse me.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01SIREN WAILS
0:22:04 > 0:22:06What?! I'm looking for an old woman.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Mr Khan.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Right. It's simple. I just need to tell
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Mrs Khan her mother is at the bottom of the Birmingham and Fazeley Canal.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Now come on. We don't know that for sure. The police are still trawling
0:22:31 > 0:22:32and they haven't found anything yet.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- You're right. We don't really know what's happened.- She might be fine.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39Exactly. For all we know, she could be in the cafe at Marks & Spencer
0:22:39 > 0:22:41having a cup of tea with a bag full of cardigans.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44The main thing is we have to be very sensitive
0:22:44 > 0:22:45when we break the news to Mrs Khan.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46Yes.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Do you want to do it?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50I think it would be better coming from you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52- Right.- You have to sit her down
0:22:52 > 0:22:56and then give her time to digest the news in a quiet place
0:22:56 > 0:22:59where she feels safe and calm.
0:22:59 > 0:23:00OK.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10ALL: Surprise!
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- Where's the birthday girl?- What? - Where's Naanijan?- What?
0:23:14 > 0:23:16- Is she outside?- What? - Why don't you bring her in?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19We've been waiting for ages.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I don't think we should bring her in here with all this jumping up
0:23:22 > 0:23:23and everyone making noise.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- It's a surprise party! - Bring her in, Papaji.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28In a minute, sweetie.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- She is here, isn't she?- Mmm?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- Why won't you bring her in? - He's done something.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I knew it. He's always doing something.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Is she late?- Yes.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40- How late?- Very.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Naani's very late. She's...
0:23:42 > 0:23:44the late Naani.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Has something happened to her?
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- No.- Yes.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Yes.- No.- Maybe.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- Where's Naani?- Hello, sweetie. Why don't you sit down?
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Why?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I'm coming to that. But first, one question.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59About Naani, I can't remember,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01was she a good swimmer?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05What's that got to do with anything?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Never mind. Look...
0:24:07 > 0:24:09The thing is...
0:24:09 > 0:24:13there comes a time when we must bid farewell to our loved ones.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16They've had a good innings,
0:24:16 > 0:24:20but when the great umpire in the sky shows you the finger,
0:24:20 > 0:24:24it's time to take that long walk back to the pavilion.
0:24:24 > 0:24:29Naani, caught canal, bowled God for 80.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31And she is out.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Or not out!
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar!
0:24:37 > 0:24:41Bohat dher lagati stupid number 37 bus.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Aww, Naani.
0:24:46 > 0:24:47Happy birthday.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Surprise!
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Right. I'm going to my business conference.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56They'll be serving trio of desserts.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59That's when the real business happens, anyway.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02What? What is it?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05What is it?! You lost my mother!
0:25:05 > 0:25:09Yes, but then we found her again, so it's all back to normal. OK?
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Finished.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16She was wandering out there all alone.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Anything could have happened to her. She could have been run over.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Yes, but...- She could have been mugged.- I know, but...
0:25:22 > 0:25:24She could have been picked up and taken advantage of.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27OK. Let's not get carried away now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You've never liked her.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Me? Of course I like her.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35When she's here, all you do is moan. You can't wait to be rid of her.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38That's not true. I love having her here. It's great.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- What do you love about having her here?- Everything.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- Like?- Like...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46The praying. The shuffling.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49How she hums under her breath in the morning.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51The way she spits in the fireplace.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Seeing her crinkly old face come out the bathroom in the morning.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56She is leaving soon, isn't she?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58She'll be safely back in Pakistan
0:25:58 > 0:26:01and you'll never have to see her again.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Until the next time.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08Now what?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11What if there is no next time?
0:26:11 > 0:26:12How do you mean?
0:26:12 > 0:26:15We have to face it, she's an old lady.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20She'll go back to Pakistan and I'll never see her again.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22SHE SOBS
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Hey. Come on.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Don't be sad.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33We've all got to go sometime.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35SHE WEEPS
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42OK. Why doesn't Naanijan come and live with us?
0:26:44 > 0:26:45- What?- Naanijan...
0:26:45 > 0:26:49She can come and live with us. She doesn't need to go back to Pakistan.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Ever?
0:26:51 > 0:26:52No.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54You mean it?
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Ah.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Thank you.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00It's all right.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Now I can see her as much as I want.- Yes.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09And the girls get to spend time with her.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Yes. A little bit more time before, you know, she...
0:27:12 > 0:27:14HE MOANS
0:27:14 > 0:27:16What do you mean?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You know, she's getting old and...
0:27:20 > 0:27:22No. It'll all be fine.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Mrs Akmal's mother came to live with them
0:27:25 > 0:27:27and she lived to be 104.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Oh, God!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Goodbye. Thank you for coming.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37We've had a wonderful time. We must do this again soon.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40Well, there's no rush, eh? Thank you.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Goodbye. Khuda Hafiz.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Naani,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52we have something very exciting to tell you.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- Don't we?- Yes.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Er, we have decided that you don't need to go back to Pakistan.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01You can stay here and live with us in our house
0:28:01 > 0:28:05for your final years. Or the rest of your days. You know, whichever.
0:28:05 > 0:28:10Mujay yah nahi rehna yeh toh paagal khana hai.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Aur Birmingham?
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Shithole!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd