0:00:02 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham. The capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Community leader.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21They all know me. You like my suit?
0:00:30 > 0:00:32PHONE RINGS
0:00:32 > 0:00:33HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Hello, Mr Khan speaking. What?
0:00:39 > 0:00:42Yes, I am interested in saving money on energy bills.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Yes, you can tell me all about the benefits of switching tariffs.
0:00:45 > 0:00:51I'm very keen to hear all about it. Mr Khan. Yes, Pakistani name.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Why, where are you calling from? India?
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Bloody cheek!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02- Can you come upstairs for a minute? - OK.
0:01:02 > 0:01:08- I'm in our room, hurry up! - OK, I'm coming.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- What are you doing? - Help me push the beds together.
0:01:13 > 0:01:18- What? Why?- So you can do your duty like a good husband should.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23But it's not my birthday for another three months!
0:01:23 > 0:01:27I'm making space next to the sink so you can fix it.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31Oh, thank God for that.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Have you thought any more about where we're going on our holidays this year?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Your husband is a very busy man, my darling,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I haven't got time to think about holidays.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44Today is the AGM at the mosque and I've got an item on the agenda.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Good, huh? The renaming of the community room.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51You know, I think it needs to be something that represents
0:01:51 > 0:01:52ALL the people of Sparkhill.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55I am going to suggest they name it "Mr Khan, Community Leader's
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"Community Room and Corporate Hospitality Suite. VIP Only".
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Catchy, no?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03This will be our last year together as a family
0:02:03 > 0:02:05before Shazia gets married.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08We should do something special, something exotic.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10What's wrong with normal holiday?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Staying with your cousin in Bradford? Not exotic.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16What about staying at cousin's in Oldham?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19Why don't we splash out?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Use our rainy day money.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24You're forgetting one thing about rainy day money, my darling.
0:02:24 > 0:02:30- What's that?- It's for rainy day. You have to think of the future.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We are fit and healthy now, but what happens when you're an old lady
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- and you can't look after yourself any more? Hmm?- Hmm?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Exactly. We're going to have to pay for someone to come in.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42To cook my dinner.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45And iron my shirts.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You see, Mrs Khan, head for thinking, feet for dancing.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55But Mr Malik takes Mrs Malik to lovely places.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Do you know where he's taking her this year?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Dubai, three weeks, just the two of them.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09- Why can't we ever go somewhere like that?- Bradford's better than Dubai.
0:03:09 > 0:03:11How is Bradford better than Dubai?
0:03:11 > 0:03:12More Muslims!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19OK, then why don't we go somewhere closer to home?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I know, let's go back to Great Yarmouth.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25You remember we had our special holiday there?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- No.- It was just after we were married
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- and we stayed in that rickety old caravan.- I can't remember.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Yes, you can. It poured with rain.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38But we were up all night anyway.
0:03:38 > 0:03:44Oh, yes, of course! What a night that was.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Pakistan were playing India!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And we listened for two hours on my transistor radio.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Yes, and then?
0:03:54 > 0:03:57And then Pakistan won!
0:03:57 > 0:03:58The best night of my life.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04I mean after the cricket. You wore your Pakistan top
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- and then we tried that thing I read in Woman's Own.- Oh, God!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12And then next spring, out popped little Shazia.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13HE YELPS
0:04:21 > 0:04:22Catch it, budhoo!
0:04:22 > 0:04:23SHE BLOWS A KISS
0:04:23 > 0:04:26Got it... Oh no, I dropped it!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's OK, I got it again.
0:04:31 > 0:04:36You know, sometimes I can't believe we're getting married, can you?
0:04:36 > 0:04:42It's amazing. Do you know, your dad said it's the most incredible thing he has ever heard.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46And what about our honeymoon, have you thought about it?
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Yes, lots! Almost like every night.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52I meant where we're going to go.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56OK. We can go anywhere you want.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01- Really?- Yes, as long as it doesn't cost more than...£25.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Oh.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08It's just I've always had this dream of being on a beautiful island.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11There's white sand and clear, blue sea,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14and then I see someone running towards me along the beach
0:05:14 > 0:05:19and I start running towards them, and we run faster and faster
0:05:19 > 0:05:21and then we meet and I look up at him
0:05:21 > 0:05:23and I realise he's my one true love.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Who is it?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30You, budhoo!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Oh, yes.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Hello, sir.- Amjad, what are you doing here?- I've come to see Shazia.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- You're always coming to see Shazia. - We are getting married.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44You don't need to remind me. But why do you have to see her every bloody day?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47You want to keep up some of the mystery. A bit of romance, Amjad.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50You know, Mrs Khan wanted to see me all the time
0:05:50 > 0:05:52when we first got engaged,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54but I said, "No, you'll ruin the mystery.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58"The most romantic thing we can do is to avoid each other completely."
0:05:58 > 0:06:00He was right about that.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Amjad, if you want to be intimate, just text her. That's what I'd do. Isn't it, sweetie?
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Mmm! What's this?
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Oh, it's for our honeymoon. But we can't afford it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Good! Honeymoon is English invention.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Don't spend money. Now, that's Pakistani invention.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Maybe we should just go somewhere cheap in England.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28I know a good place - family-run guest house in Bradford.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32- I can get you a good deal. - Where was it you and Mum used to go?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- Great Yarmouth, wasn't it?- No.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38- I thought you used to go there before we were...- No.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Your mother and I have never been to Great Yarmouth, ever!
0:06:43 > 0:06:46- Why don't we help them out?- What?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49Let's use our rainy day money to pay for their honeymoon.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51No bloody way!
0:06:52 > 0:06:54We're splashing out on a holiday anyway,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56why don't we just use the lot?
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Eh? - That would be so amazing.
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Hello?!
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I know it sounds expensive, but I've found a really good deal
0:07:03 > 0:07:05on a trip to the Maldives.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08Bloody Maldives?!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Sweetie, you know I'd love to help you.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15But this is our rainy day money. We can't spend it on holidays.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- It's OK, Dad, I understand.- Yes, so.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Papaji?- Mmm?- Can I have some spending money for my holiday?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- Of course, sweetie.- What holiday?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26The Mosque study group summer camp. Dad's paying for me to go.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29There you go.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- Aww, there you go!- Thanks!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Look at that. Perfect Muslim daughter.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40It's like having our own little imam. But without the beard.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44You're paying for her holiday?
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I thought you said you can't spend money on holidays.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49Shazia, you shouldn't talk about money all the time.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52It's very vulgar.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I never got to go on a summer camp.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Why is everything a competition with you two?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Why are you constantly comparing yourself to your sister?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- You're both very special in your own unique ways.- Ahh.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08But she's a bit better.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11You never do anything nice for me.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- I'm paying for your bloody wedding. - On the cheap!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15Everything's a bargain basement deal.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17You say that as if it's a bad thing.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21So she gets to go on a nice holiday and I don't?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Alia's trip is part of her studies.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25They will be reading the Koran, learning about Islam
0:08:25 > 0:08:27and how to be a better Muslim.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29At a Turkish beach resort?
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Turkey is a Muslim country, isn't it?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35You do know there'll be boys there?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Yes, I know there are boys in Turkey, thank you.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40I mean on Alia's trip. Boys are going too.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Boys? I didn't know anything about boys.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47They always go together. It's co-educational.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51Yes, but what about...ting-ting?
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- What?- You know, ting-ting.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57It's a Muslim religious study camp.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00So what, do you think Muslims don't do ting-ting?
0:09:00 > 0:09:04Because let me tell you, Mrs Khan, they certainly do.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08Islam is not the fastest growing religion in the world for nothing.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Muslims all over the world are doing ting-ting left, right and centre.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Maybe some of them. - Alia is young and vulnerable.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18One of us needs to talk to her.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20- OK.- One of us needs to go in there
0:09:20 > 0:09:25and explain everything about...you know, ting-ting.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27We need to warn her of the dangers lurking out there
0:09:27 > 0:09:31in the real world. It's a disaster waiting to happen.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Someone could take advantage of her. Her life could be ruined for ever.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38You're right. I think you should tell her.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42She'll probably be fine.
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Yeah, my dad said I can go. I know, I can't believe it.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52And there's an amazing club near the campsite. It's going to be wicked.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Got to go, laters.
0:09:59 > 0:10:05Hello, sweetie. How's it going? Good? Good.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10- What are you reading?- The History Of Islam.- Oh, I want to read that.
0:10:10 > 0:10:11Don't tell me how it ends, eh?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20OK, Papaji.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24Now, I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now,
0:10:24 > 0:10:27but one day you realise there are other things in the world.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Like boys.- OK.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34But what you have to remember is, is that boys are not like girls.
0:10:34 > 0:10:39- Are they not?- No. Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40What's that?
0:10:41 > 0:10:43HE GULPS
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Cricket.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Cricket?- Yes.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- I don't like cricket. - I know. And that's good.
0:10:54 > 0:11:01But one day you might decide that you do like...cricket.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06- I don't think so. It's dead boring. - You're right. It is.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10But one day, you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,
0:11:10 > 0:11:14and he's really into the cricket and he might try to get you to watch.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And you might think, "Well, there's no harm in watching."
0:11:17 > 0:11:21But then he shows you his bat.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And his pads. And his helmet.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32And the next thing you know, the covers are off,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35you're letting him play on your pitch
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and you've been caught out by his googlie!
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- Do you see?- Sort of.- Good.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46You know, I thought that was going to be difficult,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48but it was actually very easy.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Aah, assalaamu alaikum. Mr Mohammed, how are you doing?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Don't forget item three on the agenda, vote for me.
0:12:03 > 0:12:08- Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Mohammed. - You all right?- How's Mrs Mohammed?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- All right.- Good, smashing, smashing, smashing.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Don't tell me, it's Mr Mohammed, isn't it?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Hope I can count on your vote, sir?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19- Course you can. - Very good, very good.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- Assalaamu alaikum, Mr Khan. - Wa alaikum assalam, Riaz.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25What's that, the agenda?
0:12:25 > 0:12:31Note item number three, renaming the community room after a certain prominent member of the community.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35- Who?- Me!- Oh.- I've got it in the bag.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- I've been working the room, selling the idea.- So it's going well?
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Oh, really well.
0:12:40 > 0:12:45I spoke to that guy over there for ten minutes, he was lapping it up.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47He has nothing to do with the mosque.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49He's here to fix the photocopier.
0:12:50 > 0:12:51MR KHAN GIGGLES
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Well, you know, anyway, they're bound to go for it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- You're going to vote for me, aren't you?- Yes, yes.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Oh, yes. Aren't we, Omar?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- Oh, yes, we will.- Excellent.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05Hang on a minute, what are you doing here?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You're not even on the bloody committee.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10I am taking the minutes of the meeting on the computer.
0:13:10 > 0:13:15- He's our technical wizard.- Him? - That's what I used to do back in Somalia.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- You worked in IT? - No, he was a wizard.
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Right, take your seats quickly, please, gentlemen, if you'd be so kind.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Yes, yes, come on, we haven't got all day.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- Actually, Mr Khan, I was going to sit there.- Well, sit somewhere else.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33- Yes, but it is my office. - So?- And I am chairing the meeting.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35I thought I was chairing the meeting.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I always chaired the meeting when Mr Qureshi was here.
0:13:37 > 0:13:42- But I'm the mosque manager now. - Look, Dave, this is the mosque AGM.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It stands for Annual General Meeting,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47not Association of Ginger Muslims.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Nevertheless.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- So where am I supposed to sit? - Woo-hoo!
0:14:00 > 0:14:01HE BANGS HIS GAVEL
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Right. Assalaamu alaikum, everybody.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- ALL BESIDES MR KHAN: Wa alaikum assalam.- Hello, Dave.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I'd like to call this Annual General Meeting
0:14:10 > 0:14:13of the Sparkhill Jamiya Mosque Committee to order.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16First things first, apologies for absence.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Just a couple this week, Mr Malik has a prior engagement,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23and Mr Zaheer is finally having his procedure done.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29- At last.- Thank God for that. - Now, on to the agenda.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Item one, the women's group would like a new minibus
0:14:32 > 0:14:35for their day trips, and bigger ladies' toilets.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38All those in favour?
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Motion denied.
0:14:39 > 0:14:45Item two, Mr Hafiz would like a giant screen in the meeting room
0:14:45 > 0:14:46for watching the cricket.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49All those... Motion carried.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- Which brings us on to item three. - This is me.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- A late addition, a charity auction. - Oh, come on!
0:14:58 > 0:15:03As you all know, Mr Butt, proprietor of Butt's Luxury Carpet Emporium
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and Travel Agency has made a very generous donation to the mosque.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09ALL BESIDES MR KHAN: Oooh!
0:15:09 > 0:15:12All proceeds going to the charity appeal fund.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15APPLAUSE
0:15:15 > 0:15:19Can't we have this later? We've got more important things to do.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Well, charity is one of the five pillars of Islam.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Yeah, one. There are four more.
0:15:25 > 0:15:31So, we will be auctioning this magnificent prize right here, today.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33So I hope you've all brought your cheque books.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37What's this about an auction?
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- It's an extraordinary item, inserted at the last minute.- Nobody told me.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- I sent you the e-mail. - That was from you?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48I thought that was one of those dodgy Nigerian con artists.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Why don't you like charity auction?
0:15:52 > 0:15:56It's for a good cause, digging wells for Pakistani villages.
0:15:56 > 0:16:00What? They should dig it themselves. I'm a Pakistani,
0:16:00 > 0:16:03but I didn't ask for help for my wife's leaky plumbing.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- You don't have to bid. - Don't worry. I'm not going to.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10But then people might think you are a bit stingy.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And they might not vote to name the community room after you.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Oh, God. No wonder Malik's not turned up,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17he just didn't want to put his hand in his pocket.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- Hello, sir.- Amjad, what are you doing here?- Daddy sent me.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25He didn't want to miss the auction so he sent me in his place.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I have to ring him on my mobile and do the telephone bidding.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30All for show, no doubt.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- No. He wants to win the auction, money's no object.- What do you mean?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37He said no matter what anybody bids, he's going to bid more.
0:16:37 > 0:16:42So let me get this straight. Say somebody - call them Mr K -
0:16:42 > 0:16:45I mean, Mr X - bids in the auction,
0:16:45 > 0:16:50your father, Mr Malik, will bid more?
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- Yes.- No matter how much Mr X bids? - Yes.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Even if it's loads of money,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01and everyone says, "Wow, that Mr X, he's a very generous man."
0:17:01 > 0:17:05- Yes. Why?- No reason.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10Right, without further ado, let's get on with it, shall we?
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Who'll start the bidding for me? Anyone? Come on, don't be shy.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- Who'll get the ball rolling? - One hundred pound.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19£100 to start us. Thank you, Mr Jalil.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- Two hundred pound. - Two hundred pound.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- Are you going to bid?- In a minute.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Three hundred pounds.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Three hundred pound from Amjad, bidding on behalf of Mr Malik.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Three hundred and one pounds. - Right, OK.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Three hundred and one from Mr Khan.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Three hundred and two pounds.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43Three hundred and...four pounds.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Three hundred and five pounds.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Three hundred and six pounds.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50One thousand pounds!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51EVERYONE GASPS
0:17:52 > 0:17:55- Bloody hell! - Thank you, a proper bid at last.
0:17:55 > 0:18:00Now we're up and running. A thousand pounds. Any advance on that?
0:18:00 > 0:18:05- What's wrong? The money too strong for you?- Not at all.
0:18:05 > 0:18:06HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Any advance on a thousand pounds? Anyone?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14£1,100.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15£1,100. Thank you, Mr Khan.
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- £1,200.- £1,200 straight away from Mr Malik.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- £1,500!- Fifteen hundred pound!
0:18:23 > 0:18:29- £1,600.- Mr Malik's right back in there. Looks like he's going to take some beating.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31£1,900!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34£2,000.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36ALL: Oooh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Such a lot of money.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43OK. The bid is £2,000. Are we all done?
0:18:45 > 0:18:47£2,500!
0:18:47 > 0:18:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE £2,500 from Mr Khan!
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- Hey, big spender. - Any advance on 2,500?
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Amjad?
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Amjad! Come on, bid!
0:19:02 > 0:19:05- I think I might have run out of credit.- What?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08I've been texting Shazia all day, like you told me to.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12Right, the bid is 2,500, any advance on that? No?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- Hang on a minute, Dave. Call him back.- How?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Here, use my phone. - Are you sure, sir?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Shazia says you never let anybody use your phone.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24- Just call him.- OK.- 2,500 going once. - No, it isn't.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Come on, Amjad.- Um... - What's the problem?
0:19:27 > 0:19:31- I can't remember his number.- It's in my phone!- No, it isn't.- It is!
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- It isn't. Look, there's nothing under "Daddy".- It's under Mr Malik!
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Oh, yes.- 2,500 going twice.
0:19:40 > 0:19:45- Dave, I told you, stop the going. - It's ringing.- Last chance. Anyone else at all.- Come on!
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Hello? Daddy?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- I will sell, make no mistake.- Hang on, Dave. Amjad, say something!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Oh!
0:19:55 > 0:19:56It's gone to voicemail.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Sold, for £2,500! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Wait a minute, I didn't mean to.
0:20:02 > 0:20:07Wait... I didn't mean... Oh, twaddi.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I must say, I didn't expect you to outbid Mr Malik like that.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Nor did I! Now what am I going to do?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- That was our rainy day money. - It was a very generous bid.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It's not a bid, it's a death sentence.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31My wife's going to kill me.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33You never know, she might be quite pleased.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36That I spent £2,500 on a carpet? I don't think so.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Oh, it's not a carpet, Mr Khan.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Don't tell me it's bloody lino?
0:20:41 > 0:20:47It's luxury family holiday, courtesy of Mr Butt's Travel Agency.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- You're joking?- No. It's all inclusive. Flights, hotels, the lot.
0:20:51 > 0:20:57Dave, I love you. You great big ginger beer!
0:20:57 > 0:20:58You saved my life!
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- You're welcome.- It's fantastic. Luxury holiday. Where to?
0:21:03 > 0:21:09It's an Umrah trip. A pilgrimage to Mecca.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Maybe I should just forget about the honeymoon
0:21:18 > 0:21:20until we can afford to go somewhere nice.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Don't worry, Beti.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25Your father will be back soon and you never know,
0:21:25 > 0:21:26you may have a treat in store.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Hello, I'm home! - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Here he is now.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- Ah, there you all are. - Hello, Papaji.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Hello, hello. Everything all right?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45How was your day?
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Very good. Excellent. No problems at all.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Have you got anything to tell us?
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- No, I don't think so. - Maybe to Shazia?- No.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Did you get the money?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- Not exactly.- What?- Better than that.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Shazia, you know you're always saying I never do anything for you?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Well, I've only just gone and arranged your honeymoon.
0:22:09 > 0:22:16- Seriously?- Yep, all booked, bought and paid for.- What is it?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- It's amazing, that's what it is.- Just tell her.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25- I don't want to spoil it. - Is it a surprise?- Oh, yes.
0:22:26 > 0:22:31- At least give me a clue. Is it abroad?- Huh.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Proper abroad, not like when we got the ferry to Calais
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and sat in the car while you went round the cash and carry?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Do you know how much I saved on garlic and onions?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I'm not having my honeymoon in the hypermarket!
0:22:43 > 0:22:48Chillax! You're going on aeroplane, staying in hotel,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- all expenses paid.- Really?
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- So will there be sun?- Oh, yes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- And sea?- It's NEAR the sea. - And sand?
0:22:59 > 0:23:04- There's sand, all right. - I think I know!- Do you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:10- The place where we're going, does it begin with "M"?- Yes.- Oh, my God!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh - my - God!
0:23:12 > 0:23:13You're getting warmer.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Thanks, Dad. Thank you so much!
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- That's all right.- I'm sorry I said you never did anything for me.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- It's all right.- And I'm sorry I said you were a cheapskate.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- And...- Yes, OK, OK. You don't need to keeping going on about it.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Well done. And what about our holiday, did you book that?
0:23:36 > 0:23:41- Ah, just like you wanted. - Is it as exciting as Shazia's?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Very similar. - HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And is it Muslim-friendly? Will there be halal food?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52You've got no worries there.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Oh!- This is so great.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58I can't believe I get to go to the Maldives!
0:23:58 > 0:24:01Not Maldives. Mecca!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- What?- Mecca?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08I booked you an Umrah trip.
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- I'm spending my honeymoon in Mecca?! - I know. Good, eh?
0:24:14 > 0:24:19- And what about us? Where are we going?- Same place.
0:24:19 > 0:24:24- We're going on their honeymoon? - It's a family package.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- We can't go with them on their honeymoon!- Why not?
0:24:28 > 0:24:33They want to be alone. They want some privacy.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Oh, no, they won't.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38It's a pilgrimage, no ting-ting allowed.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Oh, my God! Mum?
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- I'd love to go to Mecca, Papaji. - Thank you, Alia.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47At least SOMEONE appreciates my efforts.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50I can't though, cos I'm going to Turkey.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Not any more you're not, I spent all your money on this.- Dad!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56We're not even staying in a nice hotel.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Oh, no. It's one of Mr Butt's packages, isn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:04- We'll be lucky if we even have running water.- I thought you loved me, but now you've ruined my life.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Why, why do you do this every time?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Chup! Listen to yourselves.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Do you want to know why I booked a trip to Mecca? I'll tell you.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18I went to the travel agents to book your holiday to the Maldives
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and everywhere else, but then I thought, "No.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25"Why are we doing this? Why are we being so selfish?"
0:25:25 > 0:25:28This is a spiritual journey that we are expected to take
0:25:28 > 0:25:32together as a family. We are Muslims, after all, in case you'd forgotten that.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37This is a pilgrimage.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41It's not about money and expensive shoes and five-star hotels.
0:25:41 > 0:25:48Do you think the Prophet stayed at the Hyatt Regency? I don't think so.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Shame on you!- Your father is right.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Sorry, Dad.- It's OK.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59- DOORBELL RINGS - Alia, get the door.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01We were being selfish.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Yes, you were.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Going to the Maldives was just a silly dream.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- It's not what really matters. - You're right.
0:26:07 > 0:26:11You know, sometimes in life you have to realise
0:26:11 > 0:26:15it's not all about me, me, me, me, me.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- It's Dave. - Congratulations, Mr Khan!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22- What?- In honour of your outstandingly generous contribution
0:26:22 > 0:26:24to the mosque charity appeal,
0:26:24 > 0:26:29we have indeed decided to name the community room after you!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31APPLAUSE BUILDS
0:26:31 > 0:26:36- This is so unexpected. - We did the sign like you wanted.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I didn't ask for a sign.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Let's not make a song and dance about it.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45DHOL DRUMMING AND MUSIC
0:26:48 > 0:26:52The important thing is, this is not all about me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57You've ruined your daughter's honeymoon and our last family holiday together.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02You've spent every penny we have in order to get some ping-pong room named after you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05And you haven't even fixed the sink!
0:27:05 > 0:27:07MUSIC STOPS
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Awkward.
0:27:16 > 0:27:20OK, Shazia, you can have your honeymoon in the Maldives.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24- What? How?- I don't want to talk about it.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29Your father has spoken to Mr Malik. He has agreed to buy the Umrah trip
0:27:29 > 0:27:32in exchange for the community room being named after him instead.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36- Oh, my God! Dad, are you sure? - Of course he's sure.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Our daughter's happiness is more important.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41Great! And I can go on my trip to Turkey.
0:27:41 > 0:27:46No. The rest of the money, we're spending on a luxury family holiday.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49But you said your daughter's happiness was more important.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Not as important as your mother's happiness.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57It's a static caravan in Great Yarmouth.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01I know. It's going to be wonderful.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04And now, your father and I are going up to our bedroom
0:28:04 > 0:28:06and we are not to be disturbed.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- How long for? - Ten minutes should do it.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12HE LAUGHS MEEKLY
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd