0:00:02 > 0:00:05Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:14Community leader!
0:00:19 > 0:00:21They all know me... you like my suit?
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Number one, Citizen Khan!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Testing, testing, one, two.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36# There's a Brown girl in the ring, tum te tum te tum! #
0:00:36 > 0:00:38- KNOCKING - Dad!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Oh, fiddlesticks!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43What are you doing in there? We've been waiting ages!
0:00:43 > 0:00:46I'm recording something for the mosque committee,
0:00:46 > 0:00:48they're doing a new call to prayer.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50It's very prestigious job!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Ooh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Come on, Papaji.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Oh!... What the hell is that?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04It's hair-removing cream.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06- But you don't have hair there. - Exactly.
0:01:06 > 0:01:12Come on, beti, you don't need to use that muck! And, Alia, you don't need it either!
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Is it any good?
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Mum, look at that. It's the outfit Amjad's going to buy me when he gets his promotion.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31I can't believe Amjad is going to get promoted.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Nor can I.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36You're so lucky your fiance is such a go-getter.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Sweetie, darling! Have you seen a bag with all my old cassette tapes in?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41No. What do you think of these?
0:01:42 > 0:01:43Very nice. What is it?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48For Shazia's wedding. I need a new outfit.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Another one? You got a new outfit for our wedding.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57You want me to look like a cleaning lady at my own daughter's wedding?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59You're supposed to be looking after your family.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Yeah, get her the outfit, Dad.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Enough! I do a very good job of looking after this family.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I am like the lion at the head of the pride.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07You don't realise how hard it is.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10There is more to see than can ever be seen,
0:02:10 > 0:02:15more to do than can ever be done. The circle of life. Hakuna Matata!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19What are you doing with that old thing?
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Ah, the mosque committee have decided they need a new person for the call to prayer,
0:02:23 > 0:02:26and guess who is in charge of finding the right voice?
0:02:26 > 0:02:27Dave?
0:02:27 > 0:02:31Me! I am the figurehead of the call-to-prayer campaign.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Like Malcolm X.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Or Martin Luther Vandross.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40So you're going to have a dignified debate about who to choose?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43No, I'm going to have auditions like on the X Factor!
0:02:44 > 0:02:46That's what this is for. You know...
0:02:46 > 0:02:51if this works out, the Mosque Committee might even make me a trustee.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53What exactly is a trustee?
0:02:53 > 0:02:54I don't know...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57..but I bet they get a parking space.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Maybe I'll audition for it. I've got a good voice.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It has to be a man, Shazia.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Then, what about Amjad? - It has to be a man, Shazia.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10He's getting a promotion, actually.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14At the Phoneshop? You mean he won't have to wear that silly foam mascot costume any more?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Dad! He hasn't had to do that in ages.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Enough. Let's eat!
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- DOORBELL - That'll be Amjad. I'll get it.
0:03:23 > 0:03:29Come on, come on, I'm starving. I got my auditions tomorrow, I've got to keep my strength up.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33- We're waiting for Amjad. - What are we waiting for Amjad for?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I'm the head of the house and I'm already here! So, come on, let's eat!
0:03:36 > 0:03:40I've made him a special meal to celebrate his promotion.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44My son-in-law, the executive, I'm so proud!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Why are we treating him like royalty all of a sudden?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Don't be ridiculous. Nobody's treating him like royalty.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Here he is!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53The King of Sparkhill!
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Hello, Mrs Khan. Hello, sir.
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Hello, Amjad.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57We're all so proud of you!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Well, it's not definite yet, I still have to pass the interview.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I'm a bit worried, actually, I don't think I come across very well in interviews.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Why not, budhoo?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09They keep asking me questions.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Yes, that would do it.
0:04:12 > 0:04:13Of course he's going to get it.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17Don't get your hopes up, Amjad, times are hard, competition is tough out there.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18How many people are they interviewing?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19One.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23There, you see, it's in the bag. Let's eat!
0:04:23 > 0:04:25That's my chair!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29What does it matter whose chair it is? You're not the only man in the house.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Here, Amjad, have some rice.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33What about me?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37Wait your turn. So, Amjad, what is your new job title going to be?
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Deputy Assistant Manager, open brackets, pay as you go, close brackets.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45Vah! Brackets!
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Have some chicken.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48That's my chicken!
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Hey, you should see the beige suit and matching shoes Amjad's gonna wear for his interview.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Beige? Nice.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- Can I have some chillies? - Of course you can.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Can I have some chillies?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- You don't like them.- I do.
0:05:03 > 0:05:04You say they're too hot.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Rubbish! Give me them!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14See? Easy.
0:05:18 > 0:05:19They are nice.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Yes, they are.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Lovely.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Are you sweating, Dad?
0:05:55 > 0:05:58No, of course not!
0:05:58 > 0:06:03Has someone turned the heating on? How about a jug of water? You look like you need it.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04No, thanks, I'm fine.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Sweetie, a jug of bloody water for Amjad!
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Maybe I will have a glass of water.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23What's the matter, boy, can't you take the pace?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Oh, God! Mrs Bilal!
0:06:38 > 0:06:39I've been trying to catch up with you.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Well, you need to slim down a bit, then.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44I saw the posters about the auditions.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46It has to be a man, Mrs Bilal.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Yes, I know that, but I thought I could help you with the judging.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52I don't need any help with judging. Judging others is what I do best.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55I could be your PA. I'm excellent at shorthand.
0:06:55 > 0:06:56Not interested.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- Bring you tea and biscoot! - No, thank you.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Everyone loves my jalebis!
0:07:00 > 0:07:03Control yourself! I know judo!
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Oh, God! That woman, she's always invading my private spaces.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Waleikum Asalaam. Hello, Dave.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17What are you doing?
0:07:17 > 0:07:19We are changing the toner cartridge.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21I think some people have been abusing the system.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24You're supposed to put money in the tin whenever you use it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27- RATTLING - Someone's not been paying up.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Terrible. You can't trust anyone these days.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Are you going to be long?- Why?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36I need to use the office for my call-to-prayer auditions.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You're having them in here? This is my office.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Dave, this is the Azaan we're talking about.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44It's a little bit more important than the bloody photocopier.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Surely an even more important thing would be to have the Azaan 24 hours a day?
0:07:48 > 0:07:50We should be lobbying the council to let us.
0:07:50 > 0:07:5724 hours a day? This isn't an all-night petrol station. This is the house of God.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59But the Azaan is actually quite important.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Yes, but in the middle of the night? It wakes you up.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04It's supposed to wake you up, it's the call to prayer.
0:08:05 > 0:08:10Look, all these gimmicky things, it's not what being a Muslim is all about.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15It's not your fault, you're new. You're on this sort of Muslim YTS scheme.
0:08:15 > 0:08:20- Oh, right?- You're not expected to understand everything straightaway.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Look, it's a big issue, a lot of our young people are quite worked up about it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Is it? And what about my issues? I'm a family man with responsibilities.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32My daughter's getting married. I'm like the lion at the head of the pride.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Back home we have a saying.
0:08:34 > 0:08:41Every morning when the gazelle wakes up he must run faster than the lion or he will be killed.
0:08:41 > 0:08:46When the lion wakes, he must outrun the gazelle or he will starve.
0:08:46 > 0:08:55Whether you are a gazelle or a lion, when the sun comes up, you better be running.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03What the hell has that got to do with it?
0:09:03 > 0:09:09- You said the thing about the lion. - Right, come on, out you go, I've got to set up.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Mr Khan, this is my office!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13All right, Dave!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16As we say in Pakistan, keep your knickers on.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You can stay in here, you can be on the panel.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23No, I don't think you... Really?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27Yes, you look like you know a thing or two about performing arts.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You gingers are quite exotic.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Well, I did do a drama module at Walsall Technical College.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36There you go.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38People still talk about my Titus Andronicus.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43- What?- We could be a showbiz couple, like Lennon and McCartney.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Yes, or like Rod Hull and Emu.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Come on, out you go.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51Hey, maybe Riaz should go for it, he loves singing, don't you, Riaz?
0:09:51 > 0:09:56Oh, yes. I do a lot of karaoke. I like Shania Twain
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Man, I feel like a woman.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01No, thank you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11This is like Sparkhill's Got Talent!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- Don't I get a chair? - Yes, you're important too.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Just not as important as me.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You're like Louis Walsh, and I'm more like Simon Cowell,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25except he's got browner skin.
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Right, first one.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34Now, remember, the Azaan is one of the most beautiful and holy parts of Islam.
0:10:34 > 0:10:42It's the call to prayer. I want it to sound like a choir of angels summoning the faithful. OK?
0:10:42 > 0:10:43OK.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Right... Away you go.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49HOARSELY: Allah hu Akbar.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Allah hu Akbar.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Allah hu Akbar.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Next!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07WAILING CONTINUES
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Next!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16No!
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Man, I feel like a woman.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22No, thank you.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23Mr Khan...
0:11:23 > 0:11:25No, thank you.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30A PLEASANT SINGING VOICE: Ahhhhhhh...
0:11:30 > 0:11:36Wow! What a beautiful voice. I think I'm gonna go, Dave.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- You're gonna go?- Yeah, I'm gonna go, are you gonna go?
0:11:38 > 0:11:39- I might go.- I'm gonna go.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Aaargh!
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Right, come on, Amjad, let's hear what you got.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I've forgotten the words.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14Look at that!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17We should have done this earlier, open the auditions to everyone.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You seem Dave? That will get your Azaan 24 hours a day.
0:12:21 > 0:12:26You know, if we find someone really good this could spread,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29it could be in mosques all over Birmingham or London.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32- Luton! - Yes, it might even go international.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36I want you to help me hand these out all around Sparkhill,
0:12:36 > 0:12:41and, Amjad, put these in your phone shop, maybe even stick some up on the walls, eh?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I'm not sure I'm allowed to.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45What? Of course you are.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46But I might get into trouble.
0:12:46 > 0:12:52Amjad, this is the Azaan we're talking about, we get our rewards in heaven, remember?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54For mobile phone sales?
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Yes, kind of. Allah is the ultimate service provider!
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- Yes, I suppose he is.- You know,
0:13:04 > 0:13:09he gives us unlimited talk time, always a good signal and pray as you go.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13What network's he on?
0:13:15 > 0:13:16O2.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Makes sense.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21So, you know, Allah is on our side.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25We're doing this for the mosque, for the community and for God and all that.
0:13:25 > 0:13:30- OK!- You know, we're a team, you and me! Everyone else better watch out!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32What about my promotion?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35Ah, I could help you with some practice questions.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Once you've been probed by me, you'll be ready for anything.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I don't think I've got the time.
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Suit yourself, then, boy.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Aren't you forgetting something?
0:13:49 > 0:13:51Oh, yes, silly me.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Allah hu Akbar...
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Allah hu Akbar... Come on, try it, please, God is great.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- God is great.- There you are, you are a Muslim. Thank you.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52BANG!
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Have you put in the sugar?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Hello! Hello, my beautiful family.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Your father is back from another successful day.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Oh, that looks good!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What the hell is it?
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I'm making gulab jamuns.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Always cooking, eh?
0:15:15 > 0:15:19You know, when I first met your mother, she couldn't cook at all.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21But I knew she had a hidden talent.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26That's my skill, you see. I can spot potential while others see mediocrity.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Would you like to taste one?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31No, thank you.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Amjad will be having his interview now!
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Oh, I know it's so exciting, isn't it?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39You know, you should have asked me to give him a few tips.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42What do you know about getting through interviews?
0:15:42 > 0:15:43I got past immigration, didn't I?
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I think you're a great businessman, Papaji.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Vah! What an angel!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54Truly we were blessed when God sent you down to us.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Mind you, he sent us your sister as well, so maybe he felt he owed us one.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02And if your call-to-prayer thing goes really well, you could be famous!
0:16:02 > 0:16:07Maybe. But I'm Mr Khan, community leader. I'm already very well known.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Have you ever Googled yourself?- Once
0:16:09 > 0:16:11when I put my pyjama bottoms on back to front.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I meant on the internet.
0:16:15 > 0:16:21Oh, yes, I've Googled myself, many times. Mostly at night when your mother's gone to bed.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Anything interesting come up?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Well, you know. All the usual stuff...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30DOORBELL
0:16:30 > 0:16:34- That'll be Amjad now! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh my God!
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Imagine! Me, Mr Khan, a trustee!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44Amazing. Even though you don't know what it is!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Mum, it's a disaster!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- What's the matter?- Tell them!
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I didn't get the promotion.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52- What?- It's so unfair!
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Dear, oh, dear! I warned you all not to get too excited!
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- But, Amjad, why? What happened? - They didn't even do the interview!
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Instead, they put me on a written warning,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05and I have to wear the big foam mascot costume for the next month.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Dear, oh, dear. Should have listened to me.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10But why?
0:17:10 > 0:17:11I don't really know.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15There were these leaflets, you see, and I was giving them out and putting them on the walls...
0:17:15 > 0:17:19- What of kind leaflets, budhoo? - The one Mr Khan gave me...
0:17:19 > 0:17:20about the call to prayer.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Oh, my God, what is this? What have you done?
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Oh, look at this! Prime Minister saying we should do more for our country?
0:17:29 > 0:17:33I am doing more for my country, I been sending money back Pakistan for the past 30 years!
0:17:35 > 0:17:38My boss said I'm not allowed to advertise other companies' products.
0:17:38 > 0:17:43Other company? It's a mosque, not Carphone bloody Warehouse!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46And he said it was a violation of the employees' rules of conduct.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50So I said I didn't care about that because I was going to get my rewards in heaven
0:17:50 > 0:17:53because Allah is on my side and so he better watch out.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56What did you say that for?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57That's what you said.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I didn't mean it like that!
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Why do you have to get everyone involved in your stupid ideas?
0:18:03 > 0:18:05You said I was a successful businessman.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I only said that to make you feel good!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That's a terrible thing to do.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13I would never say something just to make you feel good!
0:18:13 > 0:18:16But what about all our plans?
0:18:16 > 0:18:17What about Mrs Malik?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- Oh, no!- Oh, God!
0:18:19 > 0:18:22If she finds out about this, we're finished!
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Calm down, everybody! There's a perfectly simple solution.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Is there?- Yes...
0:18:28 > 0:18:32you've had a misunderstanding with your boss, I'll go and see him, explain everything,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36you'll have your promotion back in no time. Where is he, Amjad?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38The George Pub on Ladypool Road.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40You can't go in there!
0:18:40 > 0:18:46Yes, I can, I'm community leader. They all know me in Sparkhill, I can go anywhere.
0:18:46 > 0:18:47But, Dad...
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Chup! It'll be fine.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Dave...
0:18:52 > 0:18:54do you fancy a pint?
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Right, is this the place?
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I think so. It's his local. I really hope I can explain everything to him.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09It'll be fine, we'll go inside and just blend in.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13We need to show your boss that us Muslims are regular guys like everyone else, OK?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- Exactly.- But we're not supposed to go into pubs, though.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Look, I'm not a woman but I can still go into the lingerie department of Debenhams.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23It'll all be fine as long as nobody says anything stupid.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27This is actually a great opportunity to build bridges between the communities.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28What did I just say, Dave?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32PUB HUBBUB
0:19:38 > 0:19:40SILENCE DESCENDS
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Asalaam Alaikum.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46All right, mate?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- HUBBUB STARTS UP AGAIN - Now, just act normal.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Where is your boss?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53He's over there.
0:19:53 > 0:19:59OK. We'll get some drinks, we'll go over, we'll get chatty, everybody gets on,
0:19:59 > 0:20:03he sees we're just normal guys, Amjad gets his job promotion, bish bosh, Mohammed's your uncle.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Hello, boys.
0:20:05 > 0:20:05Hello.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You're not regulars here, are you?
0:20:07 > 0:20:11We are just some normal guys out for a drink in our local boozer.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12What can I get you?
0:20:12 > 0:20:17- It must be non-alcoholic! - I know that! We'll have five glasses of water.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19What kind?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20The non-alcoholic kind.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I meant... would you like it still or fizzy?
0:20:26 > 0:20:27Fizzy.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29Good choice.
0:20:29 > 0:20:30What about a snack?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32We don't need any snacks.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33But I'm hungry.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Fine! We'll get some snacks. Do you have any snacks?
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- We've got crisps, love.- Crisps. That'll be smashing. Thank you.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44You see? That's how you talk in a local pub. Very easy. Chitty chatty.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I can't eat crisps, me, I'm watching my weight.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52No. You're so not fat. You don't have to worry about your weight.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Charmer! I didn't know whether to wear this top. But I think it makes my boobs look bigger.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00£5.20.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Will you have one yourself?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Are you chatting me up, you cheeky minx?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06See?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Sir, were you chatting her up?
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Amjad, this is just pub banter! Relax! Now, come on...
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Hello. Mr Khan, community leader. How are you today?
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Fine, thank you
0:21:20 > 0:21:22This is Dave, the mosque manager.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Asalaam Alaikum. How you doing, mate?
0:21:24 > 0:21:29You see? Muslim, and white, just like you! We're just a couple of regular guys, isn't it?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32- I used to love going to the pub, actually.- There you go.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Of course, that was before I found Allah and realised that alcohol is an abomination against God.
0:21:36 > 0:21:44Just a bit of pub banter! Dave, you cheeky minx. Stop messing around! Of course, you know Amjad.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Hello, Amjad.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49Now, I'm sure we can put this business about the posters behind us.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53- Amjad is just a normal young man, the same as any other, aren't you, Amjad?- Yes.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I'm sorry, this is my wife, Kirsty.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Hello.
0:21:56 > 0:21:56Hello.
0:21:56 > 0:22:00Now, remember, Amjad, just a little bit of complimentary chitty chatter.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- Hello, sir. Hello, Mrs Boss.- Good.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Go on...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I'm sure you don't have to worry about your weight.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Amjad!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13- Amjad!- You're so not fat.
0:22:13 > 0:22:13What?
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Don't worry, mate. Amjad is just being a silly billy.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19He's always talking about the elephant in the room.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28You see? All good, ended in a fight. A typical Friday night in an English pub.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36Mrs Malik.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Thank you.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Gulab jamun?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Oh!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42I made them myself.
0:22:42 > 0:22:43Oh...
0:22:45 > 0:22:50- So kind of you to have me over again. I feel like I'm always here.- Yes.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53But, of course, our house is your house.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Your house is half my house
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yes.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03We're all so excited about Amjad's promotion. He's such a sweet boy.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04So sweet.
0:23:04 > 0:23:05And kind.
0:23:05 > 0:23:06So kind.
0:23:06 > 0:23:07And clever.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09So kind.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT - That'll be them now!
0:23:13 > 0:23:14How did it go, budhoo?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Oh, my God! What happened?
0:23:17 > 0:23:19What have you done to my beautiful boy?
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Amjad!
0:23:20 > 0:23:24What do you mean? Oh, his nose? Well, it's a funny story, actually.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26We were walking along, minding our own business...
0:23:26 > 0:23:28What?
0:23:28 > 0:23:29It's OK, Amjad, I've got this.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32And then suddenly, out of nowhere, he walks into a lamp-post.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35No. We went to the pub and got into a fight!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- What?- Oh, my God, Dad!
0:23:37 > 0:23:41Why didn't you protect him, he's just a baby!
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Well, we were in the pub, and there was this barmaid,
0:23:45 > 0:23:47and I was giving her some of the chitty chatty
0:23:47 > 0:23:50and then she said, "Do you want it fizzy or still?"
0:23:51 > 0:23:52That's not important.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55Then there was another woman, and she was sitting over there,
0:23:55 > 0:24:00and next thing I know, Amjad's gone over and told her she was a fatty...
0:24:00 > 0:24:05Yes, and now I'm fired and I'm banned from MobileULike forever!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07See? Nothing to do with me!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- You've ruined his career! - What career? He works in a bloody phone shop
0:24:11 > 0:24:15This call-to-prayer campaign and leaflets was all your idea!
0:24:15 > 0:24:20Well, really, if you think about it, technically, the call to prayer is God's idea.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Don't bring God into this!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26This is just you trying to be a big-shot mosque trustee
0:24:26 > 0:24:28when you don't even know what that is!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Of course, our family will pick up the pieces, as usual.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Never mind that my son will be destitute!
0:24:35 > 0:24:37And what about the shame?
0:24:37 > 0:24:41I've told everyone he's going to be an executive at MobileULike
0:24:41 > 0:24:45and now he's unemployed! How can we marry into this family? How? How?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49Girls, Mrs Malik is hysterical.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53Let's take her in to the kitchen. She needs camomile tea... and a Valium.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I just wanted Shazia to be proud of me.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Well, you can't have everything.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11I was going to buy her lots of expensive clothes and shoes!
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Just get them from Asda. That's what I do.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18But she deserves to have a good husband.
0:25:28 > 0:25:34Look, Amjad, you'll make a good husband, even without a job.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37You're kind and thoughtful.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41All right, you're not the spiciest samosa in the tiffin box, but...
0:25:41 > 0:25:44still...you love my daughter,
0:25:44 > 0:25:47and in the end that's what matters.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50But what about the money?
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Money's not that important.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:25:54 > 0:25:55Isn't it?
0:25:55 > 0:26:01No. Look at me and Mrs Khan. When we got married we didn't have much money, did we?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02No.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04And we didn't have a big house, did we?
0:26:04 > 0:26:10No. We rented a one-room flat in Balsall Heath. Above that fish-and-chip shop.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Bert and Tina. It was their shop.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Your father used to help out behind the counter.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17They used to give me free pickled eggs!
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And in the evening we would eat dinner by candlelight,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24because in those days your father was very careful with his money.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26True, we only had a single bed.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30But we were young and newlyweds, so we didn't care, did we?
0:26:30 > 0:26:33No. Your mother slept on the sofa every night.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36We managed OK, didn't we?
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- I suppose we did.- So you see?
0:26:39 > 0:26:42You and Shazia can be just like us.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- Forget it!- What?- I want to be able to buy nice things.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- And so do I!- And I want to live in a proper house.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- And so do I! - And I want a husband with a job!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56And so do I!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I mean, I'll get another job!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02It's OK, Mr Khan will sort it all out...won't you?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06Mrs Malik's choking on a gulab jamun!
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I can't believe you got your old job back, budhoo!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16I know, and the promotion. Your dad sorted it.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17How did he do it, Mum?
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Oh, I think he promised them some free advertising.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21MUEZZIN CHANTS
0:27:26 > 0:27:30'This call to prayer was brought to you by MobileULike,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33'for all your telecommunication needs. Just round the corner from this mosque.'
0:27:33 > 0:27:35MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:27:44 > 0:27:48Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd