Episode 5

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0:00:02 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.

0:00:19 > 0:00:21They all know me. You like my suit?

0:00:26 > 0:00:28Number one, Citizen Khan!

0:00:31 > 0:00:33Oh, is this the new telly?

0:00:33 > 0:00:35Good, isn't it? The picture's really clear.

0:00:35 > 0:00:39It's 42 inch Plasma screen, 1080 pixel High Definition.

0:00:39 > 0:00:41The contrast ratio and depth of field are so good

0:00:41 > 0:00:43it's like actually being there.

0:00:43 > 0:00:44It's Deal or No Deal.

0:00:46 > 0:00:48Leave him alone, he likes it.

0:00:48 > 0:00:50You never know what's in the boxes.

0:00:50 > 0:00:53You're such losers watching TV. I'm going out clubbing.

0:00:53 > 0:00:56- They'll never let you.- I don't care what they think.- Dad's coming!

0:01:00 > 0:01:01Ha-ha! Shame!

0:01:01 > 0:01:05Oh no, 50p! Oh, wait, that's good.

0:01:05 > 0:01:07Turn that thing down, it's too loud.

0:01:07 > 0:01:09We can't find the remote.

0:01:09 > 0:01:11Oh, it's in here somewhere.

0:01:13 > 0:01:15I hope you're keeping everything tidy in here?

0:01:15 > 0:01:17You know I've got guests this evening.

0:01:17 > 0:01:19Not again. What is it this time?

0:01:19 > 0:01:21I told you, Mrs Shafiq's husband died,

0:01:21 > 0:01:23and I'm holding a prayer meeting for her,

0:01:23 > 0:01:25and I'd appreciate a bit of help.

0:01:25 > 0:01:28But I was going to go out tonight.

0:01:28 > 0:01:29- To the mosque!- And now you're not.

0:01:29 > 0:01:32- But the... - We're all in this together.

0:01:32 > 0:01:34The entire family's reputation is at stake.

0:01:34 > 0:01:37Hello! Someone help, please!

0:01:37 > 0:01:38Fine. I'll ask Dad.

0:01:38 > 0:01:41You stay where you are. Amjad, please go and help Mr Khan.

0:01:41 > 0:01:44Don't worry, budhoo, I'll tell you what happens!

0:01:44 > 0:01:46OK.

0:01:47 > 0:01:49You shouldn't be parked there!

0:01:49 > 0:01:51It's my house, and it's my bloody space!

0:01:51 > 0:01:53Try and think of other people for a change!

0:01:53 > 0:01:57- Hello, sir.- Oh, hello, Amjad. - Who are you shouting at?

0:01:57 > 0:02:00Ambulance. Come for Mrs Akmal.

0:02:00 > 0:02:04I told him, if you want collect people, park outside their house.

0:02:04 > 0:02:06If there's no space, go around the block until there is space.

0:02:06 > 0:02:08Mrs Akmal's not going anywhere!

0:02:09 > 0:02:12Poor Mrs Akmal, I hope she's OK!

0:02:12 > 0:02:13Of course she is.

0:02:13 > 0:02:15She presses that panic button every five minutes.

0:02:15 > 0:02:17Probably run out of milk.

0:02:17 > 0:02:19Get the bus to Asda like everyone else!

0:02:21 > 0:02:24Here, help me get these in.

0:02:24 > 0:02:25What are these, sir?

0:02:25 > 0:02:29Lightbulbs! On special offer from cash and carry.

0:02:29 > 0:02:3164 for the price of 47!

0:02:32 > 0:02:35Who needs energy saving? These'll last me for years.

0:02:35 > 0:02:37Should they all be red?

0:02:37 > 0:02:40Of course! White is too bloody expensive!

0:02:40 > 0:02:43So, what do you think of the new TB? Good, eh?

0:02:43 > 0:02:44Yes, sir. It's amazing.

0:02:44 > 0:02:47It's like being in the same room as Noel Edmonds.

0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Well, the cricket will be better.- The what?

0:02:49 > 0:02:52The cricket! England v Pakistan!

0:02:52 > 0:02:53The big game today.

0:02:53 > 0:02:57Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakistan! Zindabad!

0:02:57 > 0:02:58I don't really like the cricket.

0:02:58 > 0:03:01You know, I used to be a bit of a player in my younger days, you know.

0:03:01 > 0:03:03I don't really like the cricket.

0:03:03 > 0:03:06Khan's on 99. Lillee bowls.

0:03:06 > 0:03:09He smashes for six! That's his hundred! Careful, Amjad!

0:03:10 > 0:03:13- Sorry, sir.- It's OK.

0:03:13 > 0:03:14You can owe me.

0:03:15 > 0:03:17Now, where are you watching the game?

0:03:17 > 0:03:20I'm not. Me and Shazia are going to the theatre. Mamma Mias.

0:03:22 > 0:03:24Suit yourself, boy.

0:03:24 > 0:03:27But I tell you what, nothing comes between me and the cricket.

0:03:27 > 0:03:30Pakistan! Zindabad! Pakist... Oh, hello, darling.

0:03:30 > 0:03:34Stop shouting. What will the neighbours think?

0:03:34 > 0:03:36We're supposed to be in mourning, remember?

0:03:36 > 0:03:37We are? Who's died?

0:03:37 > 0:03:39Mrs Shafiq's husband.

0:03:39 > 0:03:42Oh, no. Oh, dear.

0:03:42 > 0:03:44How terrible.

0:03:44 > 0:03:45Who's Mrs Shafiq?

0:03:45 > 0:03:47She's a very good friend of mine.

0:03:47 > 0:03:51She's coming round with some of the women from the mosque for prayers.

0:03:51 > 0:03:54- But, sweetie...- It's going to be a very difficult day for me.

0:03:54 > 0:03:57- OK, but...- These people are my closest friends...

0:03:57 > 0:03:59so if the house isn't perfect they'll tear me to shreds

0:03:59 > 0:04:02and I'll never be able to show my face in public again.

0:04:02 > 0:04:05It will be the worst day of my life!

0:04:05 > 0:04:07But the cricket is on the TB.

0:04:07 > 0:04:09So?

0:04:09 > 0:04:12So what is the point of paying special £1.50-a-month-for-25-years

0:04:12 > 0:04:15hire purchase price for brand new, previously-used-for-demonstration

0:04:15 > 0:04:18plajma TB if I can't watch the bloody cricket on it?

0:04:18 > 0:04:20HE HOCKS LOUDLY

0:04:20 > 0:04:23You're not watching cricket. We're holding funeral prayers.

0:04:23 > 0:04:25Women only, no men allowed.

0:04:25 > 0:04:28You think you have control of this house, don't you?

0:04:28 > 0:04:29I'll tell you who's in control.

0:04:29 > 0:04:32Me, that's who. Your husband, Mr Khan.

0:04:32 > 0:04:35I want you out of the house by 5:30.

0:04:35 > 0:04:37I decide what time I come and go!

0:04:37 > 0:04:39So, what time do you want to go?

0:04:39 > 0:04:405:45.

0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Afternoon, Mr Khan!- Hello, Keith.

0:04:49 > 0:04:53- Asalaam Alaikum!- Very good. - How's that new telly of yours?

0:04:53 > 0:04:54Bet the picture's good, is it?

0:04:54 > 0:04:57Better than my old set. It's nearly 15 years old now.

0:04:57 > 0:04:59Practically stone age!

0:04:59 > 0:05:02- What do you want?- No, nothing.

0:05:02 > 0:05:04Just, you know, maybe I could pop in and have a look?

0:05:04 > 0:05:07See what it's like in case I wanted to upgrade.

0:05:07 > 0:05:09- We've only got Al-Jazeera.- Oh.

0:05:09 > 0:05:13You hear that? No squeak. Homebase.

0:05:13 > 0:05:14What's yours, bloody Wickes, isn't it?

0:05:14 > 0:05:17GATE SQUEAKS

0:05:17 > 0:05:19Exactly.

0:05:21 > 0:05:22'Hello, everyone.

0:05:22 > 0:05:25'Today's eagerly anticipated 20/20 match here at Trent Bridge

0:05:25 > 0:05:29'between England and Pakistan is expected to be a cracker.

0:05:29 > 0:05:32'Stuart Broad will lead out his young side in a must win...'

0:05:44 > 0:05:46Pakistan!

0:05:46 > 0:05:48Zindabad!

0:05:48 > 0:05:49- Pakistan!- Zindabad!

0:05:49 > 0:05:52Get the pakoras out, the green army are playing!

0:05:52 > 0:05:54Asalaam Alaikum, Mr Khan.

0:05:54 > 0:05:57Waleikum Asalaam, Riaz. Looking forward to the big game?

0:05:57 > 0:05:59Oh, yes. I love the cricket!

0:05:59 > 0:06:02Good boy. What about you? Big fan of the cricket?

0:06:02 > 0:06:05We don't have cricket in my country.

0:06:05 > 0:06:06Of course you are.

0:06:06 > 0:06:09Football is the big game in Somalia.

0:06:09 > 0:06:11The Ocean Stars are the national team.

0:06:11 > 0:06:13Unfortunately we cannot play any matches at home

0:06:13 > 0:06:16because of the terrible civil war which is still going on.

0:06:16 > 0:06:18You see, even he loves it!

0:06:19 > 0:06:22We're going to listen to it on my radio.

0:06:22 > 0:06:26What? This isn't the dark ages. We got TB nowadays.

0:06:26 > 0:06:28I'm going to watch it in the office. They got a big one in there.

0:06:28 > 0:06:32- What about Dave?- Don't worry about him. This is going to be great.

0:06:32 > 0:06:34- Pakistan!- Zindabad!

0:06:34 > 0:06:36- Pakistan!- Zindabad!

0:06:36 > 0:06:38- Asalaam Alaikum.- Hello, Dave.

0:06:38 > 0:06:40How are you today, my brother?

0:06:40 > 0:06:44Well, for a starters, I'm not your brother. Seriously, Dave.

0:06:44 > 0:06:45I have told you this before.

0:06:45 > 0:06:48What part of "I'm not your brother" don't you understand?

0:06:48 > 0:06:52- I just thought we're getting to know each other now and...- We are.

0:06:52 > 0:06:54- You know, we get on pretty well...- We do.

0:06:54 > 0:06:56And you call me Dave, so maybe I should call you...?

0:06:56 > 0:06:57- Mr Khan.- Right.

0:06:59 > 0:07:00How are you today, Mr Khan?

0:07:00 > 0:07:03Fine, thank you, Dave. Now where's the TB?

0:07:03 > 0:07:06- What do you want the TV for? - To watch the cricket.

0:07:06 > 0:07:09England v Pakistan? We're all watching it, aren't we, boys?

0:07:09 > 0:07:13Oh, yes! Pakistan! Zindabad!

0:07:13 > 0:07:15Zindabad.

0:07:15 > 0:07:18Right. Well, I was just trying to sort out all these old books

0:07:18 > 0:07:20- for the mosque children's book club.- The what?

0:07:20 > 0:07:23It's a new thing, my idea actually.

0:07:23 > 0:07:25I thought it'd be a good way of attracting in new members.

0:07:25 > 0:07:28New members? This is a mosque, Dave.

0:07:28 > 0:07:29Not LA Fitness.

0:07:31 > 0:07:33And THIS is no good.

0:07:33 > 0:07:34The Three Little Pigs?

0:07:37 > 0:07:41We're Muslim, Dave, remember?

0:07:41 > 0:07:44I suppose I can always do it later.

0:07:44 > 0:07:46I may be a man of God these days

0:07:46 > 0:07:50but I'm still quite partial to a bit of the old leather and willow.

0:07:52 > 0:07:54The cricket.

0:07:54 > 0:07:56Oh right, well, that's the spirit.

0:07:56 > 0:07:57You know, being a Muslim

0:07:57 > 0:08:00isn't just about growing beards and reading the Quran, you know.

0:08:00 > 0:08:05- Isn't it?- Oh, no. It's the whole package.

0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Culture. Community. Cricket. - The three C's!

0:08:08 > 0:08:10Exactly. Pakistan!

0:08:10 > 0:08:12- Zindabad!- Zindabad!

0:08:12 > 0:08:15Reception's not great I'm afraid,

0:08:15 > 0:08:18but if you twiddle the aerial a bit you can usually get something.

0:08:18 > 0:08:20What the hell is that?!

0:08:20 > 0:08:21It's the TV.

0:08:21 > 0:08:24That's not a TB, that's a bloody microwave!

0:08:24 > 0:08:27Where's the other one? The big one?

0:08:27 > 0:08:28Oh, er, we got rid of it.

0:08:28 > 0:08:31Quite a few of the Woman's Group raised objections.

0:08:31 > 0:08:36See, this is the difference between English mans and Pakistani mans.

0:08:36 > 0:08:40In Pakistani community, man is in charge. King of the castle.

0:08:40 > 0:08:43Womens are more like dirty rascal.

0:08:43 > 0:08:46You don't get rid of the TB just because womens says so.

0:08:46 > 0:08:48You think I got teeny tiny TB in my house?

0:08:48 > 0:08:53I got brand new 42-inch Plajma Hi-Fi Def Jam Surroundy Soundy!

0:08:53 > 0:08:56You can't expect us to watch the cricket on that thing.

0:08:56 > 0:08:58It is a conundrum.

0:08:58 > 0:09:01Conundrum? It's a bloody disaster!

0:09:01 > 0:09:02What to do?

0:09:02 > 0:09:04We could watch it at yours.

0:09:04 > 0:09:07- What?- We were thinking we could watch it on your new television.

0:09:07 > 0:09:10- We could but...- Great idea! It'd be like a boys night out!

0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Hang on, Dave.- I thought you had 42-inch surroundy soundy.- I have.

0:09:13 > 0:09:16- So, what's the problem? - You don't have surroundy soundy?

0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Yes, but...- That's settled then, we're watching it at yours.

0:09:19 > 0:09:21Fine! No problem. We'll watch it at mine!

0:09:21 > 0:09:23- Green Army!- Green Army!

0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Green Army!- Green Army! - I love being a Muslim!

0:09:34 > 0:09:39Sweetie darling! Your favourite, erm, sweetie darling is home!

0:09:39 > 0:09:40What are you doing here?

0:09:40 > 0:09:43I thought I'd come back and help with your ladies prayer thing.

0:09:43 > 0:09:44Like good modern husband.

0:09:44 > 0:09:48OK. All of the ladies have arrived. They're in the living room.

0:09:48 > 0:09:50- Brilliant. Perfect.- What?

0:09:50 > 0:09:53You know, excellent that everyone is here for your very special thing.

0:09:53 > 0:09:56I think Mrs Shafiq will appreciate it, don't you?

0:09:56 > 0:09:58You worry too much. She'll love it.

0:09:58 > 0:10:01Her only regret will be she doesn't have more husbands

0:10:01 > 0:10:04who could die, so she could do it all over again.

0:10:04 > 0:10:05I hope so.

0:10:07 > 0:10:10What do you think? Does it seem calm?

0:10:10 > 0:10:12Yes.

0:10:12 > 0:10:14Good, because we'll be praying and reading from the Quran...

0:10:14 > 0:10:18- I know that.- ..and there should be an atmosphere of quiet contemplation...

0:10:18 > 0:10:20Look, it's fine! I just bloody told you!

0:10:20 > 0:10:23Chillax, my sweetie darling.

0:10:23 > 0:10:27Everything will be calm and peaceful and wonderful. OK?

0:10:27 > 0:10:31- You promise?- Of course. You have my word.

0:10:31 > 0:10:33HE HOCKS LOUDLY

0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Pakistan! Zinda...! - Shush! Oh, God!

0:10:42 > 0:10:45Not in there! This way!

0:10:45 > 0:10:48HOOTER BLOWS And keep quiet!

0:10:48 > 0:10:51- What is it, the missus? - No, of course not.

0:10:51 > 0:10:53It's the neighbour. He's white. If we make too much noise

0:10:53 > 0:10:56he'll think I've brought the family over from the villages!

0:10:56 > 0:10:59Are you going to put your lucky pads on?

0:10:59 > 0:11:00Later.

0:11:00 > 0:11:04Who should I be cheering for, by the way? England or Pakistan?

0:11:04 > 0:11:06It's a very interesting question, Dave.

0:11:06 > 0:11:08On one hand, you have the third world backward country,

0:11:08 > 0:11:11home to many millions of poor Muslims,

0:11:11 > 0:11:14and on the other hand you have Pakistan.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17Right. I am English, though, so...

0:11:17 > 0:11:20You are Muslim now, Dave. You have to support Pakistan.

0:11:20 > 0:11:21It's God's team.

0:11:21 > 0:11:23Ah, what about Bangladesh?

0:11:23 > 0:11:25Don't be stupid, Dave.

0:11:25 > 0:11:28Pakistan are batting. We need 150 runs to win.

0:11:28 > 0:11:33- Pakistan!- Zindabad!- Pakistan! - Shush!- Zindabad!- Shush!

0:11:33 > 0:11:36Right! Let's get the telly on...where is it?

0:11:36 > 0:11:38Oh, bugger. It's in the other room.

0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Come on, let's go... - No, wait! I'll get it.

0:11:46 > 0:11:48DOORBELL RINGS

0:11:48 > 0:11:49Oh, God.

0:11:50 > 0:11:54- Amjad!- Hello, sir.- What are you doing?- I've come to collect Shazia. We're going to the theatre.

0:11:54 > 0:11:57- Not anymore you're not.- Oh, no! Have I got the wrong day?

0:11:57 > 0:11:58Listen to me.

0:11:58 > 0:12:00I've got some of the boys over from the mosque,

0:12:00 > 0:12:02and we're watching the cricket here, OK?

0:12:02 > 0:12:05Pakistan! Zindabad!

0:12:05 > 0:12:07I don't really like the cricket.

0:12:07 > 0:12:11- Amjad...- Me and Shazia are going to the theatre.- Amjad!- Mamma Mias.

0:12:11 > 0:12:14I'm going to have a Magnum and Shazia's going to have a Cornetto.

0:12:14 > 0:12:16- Amjad.- Yes, sir?

0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Shut up!- OK.

0:12:18 > 0:12:21Now, I'll need you to help me move the TB in here and wire it all up.

0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Gotcha!- You know how to do that?

0:12:23 > 0:12:26- Yes, sir. I'm very technologically accomplished.- But here's the...

0:12:28 > 0:12:30But here's the thing. Mrs Khan has got some of the ladies over

0:12:30 > 0:12:32doing mourning and prayers and so forth.

0:12:32 > 0:12:35Oh, yes. Oh, no, she'll go mental!

0:12:35 > 0:12:39Amjad, This is my house. I can do what I like, remember?

0:12:39 > 0:12:42- Right.- It just so happens I don't want to spoil the cricket

0:12:42 > 0:12:45with funeral prayers. Dead people can be a real downer.

0:12:45 > 0:12:48- Sure.- Now, I'll make sure Mrs Khan is out the way,

0:12:48 > 0:12:50you keep the boys in there.

0:12:50 > 0:12:52So, you want me to keep them shut up in that room?

0:12:52 > 0:12:55Of course not! They are guests in my house! This is not a prison!

0:12:55 > 0:12:57Oh, so they can come in or go out?

0:12:57 > 0:12:59- No.- They can't come in or go out?

0:12:59 > 0:13:02- No.- They can go out, but they can't come in?

0:13:02 > 0:13:03Amjad!

0:13:03 > 0:13:07Relax. Breathe in, that's it.

0:13:07 > 0:13:09It's very simple.

0:13:09 > 0:13:11You make everybody stay in there and have a nice time,

0:13:11 > 0:13:13but don't let them wander round the rest of the house.

0:13:13 > 0:13:15- Oh, OK.- You understand?

0:13:15 > 0:13:18Duh! I'm not stupid!

0:13:18 > 0:13:20Amjad!

0:13:21 > 0:13:23Everybody stay here!

0:13:25 > 0:13:27Mrs Khan.

0:13:27 > 0:13:29Mrs Malik.

0:13:29 > 0:13:34Such a terrible thing, Mr Shafiq passing away like that.

0:13:34 > 0:13:36Terrible shame. He was such a nice man.

0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Were you close?- Well, I wouldn't say we were close,

0:13:39 > 0:13:41but he'd always say hello when we met in Asda.

0:13:41 > 0:13:45Hmm, Asda. Aaacha.

0:13:45 > 0:13:49Of course, Mr Malik was very good friends with him.

0:13:49 > 0:13:52Just as I am with poor Mrs Shafiq.

0:13:52 > 0:13:57I must say, I always assumed that I would arrange the prayer meeting

0:13:57 > 0:13:59if either of them should pass away.

0:13:59 > 0:14:03Well, you can do the next one! I'll save you some pakoras.

0:14:06 > 0:14:08Don't trouble yourself.

0:14:08 > 0:14:10Ah, she's finished.

0:14:10 > 0:14:12Poor woman!

0:14:12 > 0:14:14Such a shame!

0:14:14 > 0:14:17I was so sorry to hear of your husband's passing.

0:14:17 > 0:14:21I was also so sorry. Even sorrier.

0:14:23 > 0:14:24It is God's will.

0:14:24 > 0:14:28But I'm so glad you could all come to my house for prayers.

0:14:28 > 0:14:29It was the least I could do.

0:14:29 > 0:14:32Yes, it was.

0:14:32 > 0:14:35It's such a shame Mr Malik couldn't be here,

0:14:35 > 0:14:38seeing as he and Mr Shafiq were such great friends.

0:14:38 > 0:14:40My husband insisted on being here.

0:14:40 > 0:14:43He's devastated by your loss.

0:14:48 > 0:14:51I was moved to wear the Pakistani colours

0:14:51 > 0:14:53as a tribute to Mr Shafiq.

0:14:53 > 0:14:56My husband would like to pay his respects face to face.

0:14:57 > 0:15:01Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy.

0:15:03 > 0:15:08Mrs Shafiq, may I offer my deepest sympathy.

0:15:08 > 0:15:09Asalaam Alaikum.

0:15:09 > 0:15:12Your husband was a very well respected man in the community.

0:15:12 > 0:15:16I should know. I myself, an even more well respected man in the community.

0:15:16 > 0:15:19My name's Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me.

0:15:20 > 0:15:23- What are you doing? - I'm paying my respects.

0:15:23 > 0:15:25This is a very distressing time for me too you know.

0:15:25 > 0:15:27CHEERING

0:15:27 > 0:15:29Ah...Allah!

0:15:29 > 0:15:31RADIO: And he's out.

0:15:31 > 0:15:32GROANS: Allah!

0:15:34 > 0:15:37I'm getting ready to pray. I'm limbering up.

0:15:37 > 0:15:40If you're going to talk to God you got to be in good voice.

0:15:40 > 0:15:41CLEARS THROAT

0:15:41 > 0:15:43I'm going to get some food,

0:15:43 > 0:15:45and the ladies are going to be doing prayers in here.

0:15:45 > 0:15:49- Good idea. - Don't do anything.

0:15:53 > 0:15:55(Psst, Amjad! Come here!)

0:16:04 > 0:16:06Excuse me!

0:16:08 > 0:16:10Asalaam Alaikum, excuse me.

0:16:12 > 0:16:14Excuse me!

0:16:43 > 0:16:45Come on!

0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Dad?- Alia!

0:17:09 > 0:17:11- Can I go out? - No, of course you can't.

0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Why not?- You're supposed to be helping your mother.

0:17:14 > 0:17:18- What are you doing with the telly? - What are we doing with the telly?

0:17:18 > 0:17:21What are we doing with the... What are we doing with the telly, Amjad?

0:17:21 > 0:17:23- We are moving it. - We are moving it.

0:17:23 > 0:17:25Brilliant! We are moving it.

0:17:25 > 0:17:27- Does Mum know?- No. - Shall I tell her?- No!

0:17:27 > 0:17:30- So can I go out?- Yes.

0:17:30 > 0:17:32Can I stay out late?

0:17:32 > 0:17:33Yes.

0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Can I have some money?- Yes!

0:17:35 > 0:17:37Thanks. I'll get the door for you.

0:17:41 > 0:17:43- SHOUTING:- Pakistan! Pakistan!

0:17:43 > 0:17:45HORN BLARES

0:17:45 > 0:17:48- Shh!- Everybody stay here!

0:17:48 > 0:17:49- Shut up!- Are you going to plug it in?

0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Where's the remote?- I don't know. - Oh, yes. The remote.

0:17:53 > 0:17:57Put them back! Don't move that!

0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Oh, God!- What about some drinks and the nibbles?

0:18:00 > 0:18:03- What?- Crips and that. - I'm not a bloody servant!

0:18:03 > 0:18:05- I don't mind getting them.- What?

0:18:05 > 0:18:07I could say Asalaam Alaikum to Mrs Khan.

0:18:07 > 0:18:10No, you don't. I'll do it. Where are you going?

0:18:10 > 0:18:11- Toilet.- Already?

0:18:11 > 0:18:14- I had two cans of Fanta on the way here.- He was chugging it!

0:18:15 > 0:18:18It's occupied. Can't you hold ten minutes?

0:18:18 > 0:18:19No.

0:18:19 > 0:18:22I think I've got something!

0:18:22 > 0:18:24Pick them up! And put those cushions back!

0:18:24 > 0:18:26And you, tie a knot in it!

0:18:27 > 0:18:30Everybody stay here!

0:18:30 > 0:18:33- Amjad! Shut up and put the telly down!- Thank you, sir!

0:18:44 > 0:18:45Dad!

0:18:45 > 0:18:47Oh! What is it?

0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Let me guess, is it Amjad? - It is Amjad!

0:18:50 > 0:18:51Well, what a surprise(!)

0:18:51 > 0:18:54Why don't you talk to your mother about it?

0:18:54 > 0:18:58- Well, she's holding prayers for the dead.- She always has an excuse.

0:18:58 > 0:19:01Right, go on then.

0:19:01 > 0:19:04Right, well, we've been planning this trip to the theatre for ages

0:19:04 > 0:19:07and I thought he was looking forward to it as much as I was,

0:19:07 > 0:19:09but now I can't get hold of him.

0:19:09 > 0:19:11Oh, dear.

0:19:11 > 0:19:15He can't treat me like this. I'm supposed to be his fiance.

0:19:15 > 0:19:17Well, what a lovely chat we've had.

0:19:19 > 0:19:21I'm going to tell him it's over.

0:19:21 > 0:19:23I'm going to go and tell Mrs Malik right now.

0:19:23 > 0:19:24No!

0:19:26 > 0:19:29Darling, he'll turn up eventually.

0:19:29 > 0:19:33You know, sometimes you have to give a man space to be a man,

0:19:33 > 0:19:36and think about man things

0:19:36 > 0:19:38like cars, or DIY.

0:19:38 > 0:19:40Or sometimes we just think about nothing.

0:19:40 > 0:19:41Like this.

0:19:43 > 0:19:45He does look like that sometimes.

0:19:45 > 0:19:47There you go, see?

0:19:47 > 0:19:50But I don't care about those man things.

0:19:50 > 0:19:52Well, that's not my fault, is it?

0:19:52 > 0:19:54Look, this wouldn't be a problem if you were a boy.

0:19:54 > 0:19:57You're not and I have accepted that, and I've moved on,

0:19:57 > 0:19:59and quite frankly I think it's time you did too!

0:20:05 > 0:20:07Mrs Khan, I was bringing some drinks and snacks.

0:20:07 > 0:20:10You know, this praying can be thirsty work, no?

0:20:10 > 0:20:12Oh, that's so considerate, thank you!

0:20:12 > 0:20:13Not at all.

0:20:13 > 0:20:16Most husbands wouldn't be so thoughtful.

0:20:16 > 0:20:18You know me. Always thinking of others.

0:20:18 > 0:20:21You know, Mr Malik wouldn't even give his wife a lift.

0:20:21 > 0:20:22Said he was watching the cricket.

0:20:22 > 0:20:24What a rotter!

0:20:26 > 0:20:27If you really want to be helpful,

0:20:27 > 0:20:30you could lay the table in the dining room.

0:20:30 > 0:20:32Of course... Er, what?

0:20:32 > 0:20:35We're finishing our final prayers and then we'll be coming in to eat.

0:20:35 > 0:20:36But, sweetie...

0:20:36 > 0:20:37Nothing.

0:20:45 > 0:20:47- What are you doing? - We can't turn it on!

0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Why not?- None of these work. We think it might be your aerial.

0:20:50 > 0:20:52Ah, this is your main TV feed.

0:20:52 > 0:20:54We just need to find out where it goes.

0:20:54 > 0:20:56Just leave that!

0:20:56 > 0:20:58It's the last over. We need 10 to win!

0:20:58 > 0:21:01- Amjad, where's the bloody remote? - I hope Shazia's all right.

0:21:01 > 0:21:03Come on, get your lucky pads on.

0:21:03 > 0:21:05- I think I should talk to her. - Who?

0:21:05 > 0:21:08Shazia. I think she's upset about missing the Mamma Mias.

0:21:08 > 0:21:10- She's not. - I think she might be a bit upset.

0:21:10 > 0:21:12- She's not upset. - I think she might be.

0:21:12 > 0:21:13- She's not.- I think she is.

0:21:13 > 0:21:16I keep telling you, she doesn't give a bloody monkeys!

0:21:16 > 0:21:18- Problems?- No.

0:21:18 > 0:21:20If the lead is long enough,

0:21:20 > 0:21:22we can feed it off the aerial of the neighbour.

0:21:22 > 0:21:23No, you can't!

0:21:23 > 0:21:26Look, Shazia's in with the ladies now.

0:21:26 > 0:21:29Helping with the dead man's prayers. Having a great time!

0:21:29 > 0:21:31I should go in the other room and say I'm sorry.

0:21:31 > 0:21:34Look, you don't need to do that.

0:21:34 > 0:21:36Sometimes women say they want to be in charge,

0:21:36 > 0:21:39but really they like us to be in charge.

0:21:39 > 0:21:42It makes them feel all safe and comfortable.

0:21:42 > 0:21:45As we say in Pakistan, "All snuggly buggly."

0:21:45 > 0:21:48But sometimes she does get quite upset about things.

0:21:48 > 0:21:50- Like the other day.- Yes?

0:21:50 > 0:21:53- We were shopping and it was nearly lunchtime.- Lunchtime, yes?

0:21:53 > 0:21:56And I couldn't decide whether to have a kebab or a roti,

0:21:56 > 0:22:00so I was like, "Kebab or roti? Kebab or roti?"

0:22:00 > 0:22:04And Shazia said, "Amjad, have a roti. You know you like it."

0:22:04 > 0:22:06And she was right.

0:22:09 > 0:22:13What an amazing anecdote(!) Now, where's the bloody remote control?

0:22:13 > 0:22:15I think I might have left it in the other room.

0:22:15 > 0:22:16Oh, God!

0:22:16 > 0:22:18- Don't worry.- What are you doing?

0:22:18 > 0:22:22This is how we used to watch Homes Underneath The Hammer in Somalia.

0:22:22 > 0:22:23We're going to miss it.

0:22:23 > 0:22:27- I knew we should have stayed at the Mosque.- Look, I'll sort it.

0:22:30 > 0:22:32DOORBELL RINGS

0:22:32 > 0:22:33Oh, God!

0:22:36 > 0:22:38Hi!

0:22:38 > 0:22:39What the hell do you want?

0:22:39 > 0:22:43- I just came to say the cricket's on at mine if you want to watch it. - No, thank you.

0:22:43 > 0:22:46- Maybe I can watch it here, then? - No, thank you.

0:22:46 > 0:22:48I don't follow the cricket.

0:22:48 > 0:22:49What are those then?

0:22:55 > 0:22:57Prayer pads. Protect your knees whilst your praying.

0:22:57 > 0:23:00Oh, right. And that?

0:23:00 > 0:23:03This is a Muslim religious artefact.

0:23:03 > 0:23:04It looks like a cricket bat.

0:23:04 > 0:23:07That proves you are ignorant of Muslim culture,

0:23:07 > 0:23:09and therefore a bloody racialist!

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Thank you! Goodbye!

0:23:20 > 0:23:21Oh, God.

0:23:45 > 0:23:46Ah, excuse me...

0:23:46 > 0:23:47SCREAMING

0:23:47 > 0:23:50Get off me, you filthy man!

0:23:50 > 0:23:52What's going on?

0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Nothing! Carry on praying! - What are you doing?

0:23:55 > 0:23:59I was offering Mrs Shafiq my condolences.

0:23:59 > 0:24:01Oh, Mrs Shafiq, I'm so sorry!

0:24:01 > 0:24:04My husband has been very stressed out at work lately,

0:24:04 > 0:24:08and he's really very, very upset about your husband's passing.

0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yes, it's a sad time for all of us.

0:24:10 > 0:24:13We've been thinking of nothing else!

0:24:13 > 0:24:16CHEERING

0:24:21 > 0:24:22What the hell is going on?

0:24:22 > 0:24:25Asalaam Alaikum, Mrs Khan. Omar got the aerial working.

0:24:25 > 0:24:28It's not what it looks like.

0:24:28 > 0:24:30- Amjad!- He made me do it.

0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Why, Dad?- It's complicated.

0:24:33 > 0:24:38My husband has just died and you've brought shame on me, on his memory,

0:24:38 > 0:24:40and on your entire family.

0:24:40 > 0:24:41Oh, my God!

0:24:41 > 0:24:43Your family already has a name.

0:24:43 > 0:24:45Your younger daughter is out all the time!

0:24:45 > 0:24:49No, no, no! She isn't, she's here, helping me!

0:24:49 > 0:24:51Where's Alia?

0:24:51 > 0:24:54I let her go out.

0:24:54 > 0:24:57Oh, my God! You've ruined me!

0:24:57 > 0:24:59I can't hold this up much longer!

0:25:00 > 0:25:03I think it's time we left.

0:25:03 > 0:25:06Amjad, come help me with Mrs Shafiq.

0:25:06 > 0:25:09- If you go now, I'll never speak to you again!- But Ludhoo, I...

0:25:09 > 0:25:10No, please. Please don't go!

0:25:10 > 0:25:13Have some more food, you've haven't eaten anything! I'll order pizza!

0:25:13 > 0:25:15Please don't go! Please don't go!

0:25:15 > 0:25:17Did we win?

0:25:17 > 0:25:19MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by ABBA

0:25:23 > 0:25:27Who would have thought that Mr Shafiq was such a huge fan of ABBA?

0:25:27 > 0:25:32Oh, yes. I used to call him my Dancing Queen.

0:26:00 > 0:26:03Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd