0:00:02 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Community leader.
0:00:19 > 0:00:21They all know me... You like my suit?
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:29 > 0:00:37# I am sailing
0:00:37 > 0:00:39# Home again
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# To Pakistan. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Hia! Sweetie!
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Can't a man have some privacy?
0:00:47 > 0:00:50It's Shazia's dinner tonight. Others need the bathroom.
0:00:50 > 0:00:51But it's my day off!
0:00:51 > 0:00:52Day off from what?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55I'm a busy community leader, my darling!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56I'm always on the go.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Today I am doing absolutely nothing.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01I'm having a long soak
0:01:01 > 0:01:05and then spending the rest of day in my armchair in my birthday suit.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06What?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08In the pyjama suit I got for my birthday.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Right. You know the bath is still leaking? We have to call a plumber.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14Plumbers cost money, sweetie.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18Mrs Tawfiq uses a really nice Polish man. Maybe you'll call him?
0:01:18 > 0:01:20No! Not Polish!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22We need to keep Britain British!
0:01:22 > 0:01:24I'll get a Pakistani in.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Fine, but do it today.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29But it's my day off!
0:01:29 > 0:01:30We'll just stop having baths.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32What am I supposed to do?
0:01:32 > 0:01:34You can use my water.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36It's a good English tradition.
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Just like Victorian times.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39BUBBLING
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I'm going to make my aloo keema tonight.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Nice and spicy. Is that OK?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Oh, yes, please!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53That's great, Mum. Don't make it too spicy, though. Matt and Debbie don't like it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56I'm going to ask Debbie to be my maid of honour. Ah, that's nice.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Now we've put the wedding date to next year, we want to get really organised, don't we, budhoo?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Yes. It's going to be my dream wedding.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And Shazia's.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09And you won't fight with Amjad's mum, will you?
0:02:09 > 0:02:12No, of course not.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15Don't worry, beti, we won't do anything to embarrass you.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Dad!
0:02:21 > 0:02:22What? Er...
0:02:22 > 0:02:27This is my birthday gift from my favourite daughter, sweetie.
0:02:27 > 0:02:28I gave you socks!
0:02:28 > 0:02:30I know.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Please promise me you're going to change by tonight.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34You can't show me up in front of Matt and Debbie!
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Oh, not Matt and Debbie!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39What's so special about those two?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42She's my best friend. And my boss.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And...I'm going to ask her to be my bridesmaid.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Shazia, we Pakistanis don't have bridesmaids.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51In our culture, your bride becomes your maid -
0:02:51 > 0:02:53your housemaid, chambermaid...
0:02:53 > 0:02:56teasmaid.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59It's our wedding, and I can have a bridesmaid if I want.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00And so can I!
0:03:02 > 0:03:04This is my house. And it's my day off.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And if I want to sit in my armchair
0:03:06 > 0:03:08in my birthday suit
0:03:08 > 0:03:11in all my glory, then I can.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Why do you think I never bring any friends home?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Because no-one likes you?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23Don't be so grumpy! She's just excited about her wedding.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Remember how exciting our wedding was?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30It was so romantic... the sun setting over the hills,
0:03:30 > 0:03:34the call to prayer echoing around the minarets,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37the smell of spices hanging in the hazy air.
0:03:37 > 0:03:42Yes, there's nowhere quite like the Walsall Trusthouse Forte.
0:03:44 > 0:03:50IN URDU: Oi! Bugs Bunny! Lakey ow a cuppee et biscoot.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I'll get them, Mummy.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Come on, move.
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Nahin!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59This is my chair! Move!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03You got the whole sofa there!
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Let me have my chair.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Come on. Nahin!
0:04:14 > 0:04:15You want biscoot?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Eh? You like that, don't you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:22It's your favourite. Custard creamy.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Haan.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's right here.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32You just have to reach out and take it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38It's OK. I'll stand all the way over here.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Yes! Get in! Allah hu Akbar!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Here you are.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Here, Papaji, I brought you a newspaper.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Thank you, Alia. Such a good girl!
0:05:00 > 0:05:04This one is absolutely perfect.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07Nothing she could do would ever disappoint me.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10That's good, because my exam results have arrived.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21I hope she hasn't done badly.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23She won't have done badly!
0:05:23 > 0:05:25She's studying at the library till all hours.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Sometimes she doesn't get back till two or three in the morning!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34What does "E" stand for?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I think it's short for excellent.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Vah!
0:05:39 > 0:05:40She got Es?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:41No, only one E.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Oh, thank God!
0:05:43 > 0:05:45The rest are "U"s.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47What's that? Unbelievably good?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It means she failed them.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52We'll have to send her to the New Muslim Academy.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53They'll sort her out.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57No, not the New Muslim Academy! She can't go there!
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Why not?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01They got boys there.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03So?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05So...we need to protect her.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Alia is an innocent flower.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11She knows nothing of the ways of the world.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15This is our daughter's education we're talking about.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Don't you remember what you promised me when Alia was born?
0:06:18 > 0:06:20What do you mean?
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Snippy, snippy?
0:06:23 > 0:06:27No! You promised you'd do whatever it took
0:06:27 > 0:06:29to give her all the opportunities we never had.
0:06:29 > 0:06:32You're right, I'll do it!
0:06:33 > 0:06:35You might want to get changed first!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Salaam Aliekum, Mr Khan.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Weleikum Asalaam, Riaz.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Salaam Aliekum!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Omar. Where's Dave?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56He's not here. It's an inset day.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59What's that? Gingerspeak for skiving?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Amjad, get on computer. OK, sir!
0:07:02 > 0:07:06I've decided to send the good daughter to the New Muslim Academy.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08You have to pay to go to the Muslim Academy, though.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I always say... you can't put a price on education.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16That is true. When I was a young boy in Somalia,
0:07:16 > 0:07:20I had to walk seven miles to school every morning.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24And in the evening, I would walk seven miles back home again.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Every week, I walked five times two times seven miles.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Which is ten times seven miles.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Which is 70 miles.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44So?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48You must know your times tables.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Education is important. I'm doing evening classes at the moment.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Plumbing for beginners. I got to get out of the funeral game.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Why's that?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00People are living longer. It's a dying business.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Hey! You can come round and fix my bath.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06It would be good practice for you! We haven't done baths yet.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Relax - it's just like a big sink!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10You can come round today.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I don't know.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14It's all right. I won't charge you. OK, thanks.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17This is it, sir.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Vah! What do you think?
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Looks impressive, huh?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Hai, it certainly does.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Right, let's see... fees, fees, fees, fees...
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Hai!
0:08:29 > 0:08:32What is it, sir?
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Nothing. It's just a little bit more than I expected.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36How much is it?
0:08:36 > 0:08:38£4,000 a year!
0:08:38 > 0:08:39Oh, my!
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Not per year - per term.
0:08:41 > 0:08:42But that means it's...
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Three times four. That's £12,000.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49But I can't afford that!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52You said you can't put a price on education.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Well, they're giving it a bloody good go!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57You could try somewhere that does scholarships.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00No, no, no! We are Muslims!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03I'm not sending my daughter to an over-priced, snooty-snotty, hoity-toity
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Hogwarts school for English peoples.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10"Scholarship" means they pay the fees for you.
0:09:10 > 0:09:11Amjad, get out of the way!
0:09:15 > 0:09:19Come on, come on! The lady said the headmaster will be here in a minute.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21What are we doing here?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24We're getting private education Pakistani-style...
0:09:24 > 0:09:25free!
0:09:25 > 0:09:28But how can I get a scholarship? I've failed my exams.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Exams got nothing to do with it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32What?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36You are young. You don't understand how the world works.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40Your father will speak to the headmaster man to man.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43The scholarship will be in the bag, and everything is tickety-boo!
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I don't know if I'll fit in here, Papaji. Alia...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50we are just as good as anyone else.
0:09:50 > 0:09:54You hold your head high. Be proud of who you are.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57But I thought this place was only for Catholics.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01What?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Anscombe College - it's a Catholic school.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14Oh, twaddi!
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Alia, why don't you take off your coat? It's very warm in here.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31And maybe take off some of this shiny stuff from hijab, huh?
0:10:31 > 0:10:33We don't want to seem too flashy.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Very good!
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Well done, Alia.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Are we pretending to be Catholic?
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Of course not! We're just showing that we can fit in.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Hello, hello! I'm sorry to keep you waiting.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Asalaa...la la la la...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01hallelujah!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It's OK - we like waiting.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Don't we...
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Mary?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, yeah!
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Patience is a virtue, as I always say.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Yes, yes, quite right!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15Amen.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Yes... Sorry, er, Professor Stevens.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Pleased to meet you.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And you are?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Mr Kha...Kha...Kha...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Mr Cardinal.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Mr Cardinal?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40That's it! Unusual name.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41It's Catholic.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45We're Catholics...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47from Pakistan.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Oh, I didn't know there was a Catholic community there.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Well, we get everywhere, don't we?
0:11:54 > 0:11:56So, how can I help you?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It's about my daughter...
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I rather thought it might be.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04I suppose you must get lots of parents coming in here
0:12:04 > 0:12:07about their children, huh? Is the Pope a Catholic?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Wait, I know this one!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13No, no...
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Well, yes, I mean, years ago...
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Can we have a scholarship?
0:12:16 > 0:12:21Ah, well...there, I'm afraid, Mr Cardinal, my hands are tied.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I'm sure Mary is a lovely girl, and we'd be happy to have her,
0:12:24 > 0:12:27but at present, we don't have any scholarship places available.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31But you're the head! Surely you can pull a stringy.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You scratch my Catholic back, and I'll scratch yours?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36No, I'm afraid not.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Unless you're the member of a minority religion.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42I mean, we do have some discretionary bursaries available
0:12:42 > 0:12:44for Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs and so forth.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's a way of maintaining our charitable status, you see.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Hang on, hang on. That's us! We're that one!
0:12:50 > 0:12:51I'm sorry?
0:12:51 > 0:12:56We're Muslims. We're a very devout Muslim family, aren't we, Alia?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Mary.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01Her real name's Alia. We call her Mary for short.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04But I got the impression you were Catholics.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05What? No!
0:13:05 > 0:13:07You said your name was Cardinal.
0:13:07 > 0:13:11We just say that to make it easier for the English peoples to pronounce.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15What is your name? Khan.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19I see.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21We're a very well-known Muslim family in Sparkhill.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Well, be that as it may, Mr Khan,
0:13:27 > 0:13:30I'm afraid we've already have more minority applicants
0:13:30 > 0:13:33than we have scholarships, so it's... Let's see that.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36What?! We're more Muslim than these buggers!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40How can you be more Muslim than some others?
0:13:40 > 0:13:44Well...we're a special type of Muslim.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48Very obscure and, er, exclusive.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Oh, really? What type is that? Do know much about Islam?
0:13:51 > 0:13:55Yes, actually. Oh, twaddi!
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Yes, I wrote my thesis on Islam and its many forms.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01I'm fascinated by the groups and subgroups -
0:14:01 > 0:14:04the Nizari, the Tayyibi, the Akbari, the Alevi.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07Right. Which one are you?
0:14:11 > 0:14:12Well...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14we're the... Oh...
0:14:16 > 0:14:20..the... Oh!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23..the...
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Oh!
0:14:26 > 0:14:28..the OhTwaddis!
0:14:28 > 0:14:29The OhTwaddis?
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That's it!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I've never heard of them.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Like I said, we're very obscure.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38A very teeny, tiny minority.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And very oppressed. We really deserve a scholarship.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Well, if you're suffering persecution on religious grounds,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46then perhaps we should try and find a way to help.
0:14:46 > 0:14:51Yes! Get In! Allah hu Akbar!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54I'm sorry? I mean... We are very persecuted.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56No-one likes us.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Not even the other Muslims.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01We're different, you see. In what way?
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well, it's the praying, for starters.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05We do it ten times a day.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Twice as many as your normal Muslims...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10and we have to do it standing on one leg...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13whilst eating a carrot.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17The rabbit is very sacred to us OhTwaddis, you see.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Remarkable!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Right, right... Well, let's fill this in.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Great!
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I must say, your whole way of life sounds absolutely fascinating.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34I'd love to find out more about it.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Sure! I'll tell you whatever you want to hear.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Maybe I could come round your house one day, see things at first hand?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44No problem, any time. You're always welcome!
0:15:45 > 0:15:48What about this evening? What?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Well, tonight - is that any good? OK.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Oh, why don't I bring the papers with me and we can fill the forms in then?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Wonderful. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Mrs Malik, so nice to see you...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and so early.
0:16:08 > 0:16:13I came as soon as I heard that Alia had failed all her exams.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15That's very kind of you. Not at all.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I knew you'd be devastated
0:16:17 > 0:16:20and I didn't want to miss it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27But it's fine now because Mr Khan is going to get her into the New Muslim Academy.
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Oh, I've brought a present for Shazia.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Really, there was no... Really, it's nothing.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Just a token!
0:16:36 > 0:16:40I was worried it wouldn't fit because it's so big
0:16:40 > 0:16:43and your house is so small.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44But it just about gets in!
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Careful, Amjad! It's very delicate.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Please, don't get too close.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54But a doli!
0:16:54 > 0:16:59It's the doli that was used to carry in the bride at my wedding.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00So not that delicate, then!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Matt and Debbie are here!
0:17:05 > 0:17:07Hello!
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I'm Mrs Malik, Amjad's mother.
0:17:11 > 0:17:16And I'm Mrs Khan, Shazia's mother.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Welcome to my house.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21So nice to finally meet you. Shazia's told us so much about you.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Hey, fella! How's it going?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Pretty good, thanks, fella!
0:17:29 > 0:17:32Something smells delicious!
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Would you like some snacks?
0:17:33 > 0:17:36That would be lovely. Thank you! I love authentic Pakistani cooking.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40In that case, it's lucky I brought some.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Mum!
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Be nice! I just want them to see we're a nice, normal family, just like everyone else.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Alia! You can't have that!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Papaji! I was reading that!
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Sweetie! The headmaster is coming over!
0:18:00 > 0:18:04So? So...we have to show him how different us OhTwaddis are.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Western culture not allowed!
0:18:06 > 0:18:07"Salman I like him", neighbour!
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Not today, Keith!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12God, blimey!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I was wondering - you know how we're getting married next year?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Is there any chance... MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:17 > 0:18:21What the bloody hell's going on? Turn that racket off.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Dad! Hey, fella! How's it going?
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Yes! How's it going, fella?
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Amjad!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Sorry, sir!
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Dad! This is Matt and Debbie. You know, Debbie - my boss?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Oh, yes! Hello, how do you do?
0:18:43 > 0:18:47Oh, it that the time already? Well, you'd better be getting off!
0:18:47 > 0:18:50They've only just arrived! DOORBELL RINGS
0:18:50 > 0:18:53Oh, God! Right, well...why don't you take a look around the rest of the house?
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Shazia will show you. The backyard is particularly lovely.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59DOORBELL RINGS Oh, twaddi!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Dad! What is going on?
0:19:01 > 0:19:02I think...
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Hang on.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12That's better!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Ah, Mr Khan! Salaam aliekum.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Wa aliekum asalaam. Please come in.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25Should I take my shoes off?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Why, have you trod in something?
0:19:29 > 0:19:30Or should I stand on one leg?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34No, it's OK, we only stand on one leg on Wednesdays.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38I-I-I brought you these carrots.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41I hope that's all right, I don't mean to cause offence.
0:19:41 > 0:19:47No, it's OK. It's just that us OhTwaddies aren't used to people being so nice.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Normally we just get abused.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52All right, Mr Khan? I heard you needed a plumber for your bath.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Oh, I see! Because we are dirty, is that it?
0:19:58 > 0:20:00People can be so cruel.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Right, this is the bloke I use.
0:20:03 > 0:20:08Oh, hate mail too! Why can't you people just leave us alone?
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Please, come through...to our typical OhTwaddi living room.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Would you mind if I took notes? This is all so interesting.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Suit yourself, but I'm afraid you can't stay long, though.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22We've got to go to the mosque soon.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Today is a very important day in the OhTwaddi religious calendar.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Really? What's it called? It's a festival. A feast day!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31The feast of Mattandebbaay!
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Amazing! Amazing, this is all completely new to me.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Good, eh? You see how different we are.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41And, er...is this Mrs Khan?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Steady on! We're not that different!
0:20:44 > 0:20:48She's the mother-in-law. Mrs Khan's in the kitchen. Oh, perhaps we should say hello.
0:20:48 > 0:20:54No! Er, the OhTwaddi married women must be kept separate from men at all times...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56But what about...?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Oh, it's OK. Her husband is dead.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Lucky fellow.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Very religious, though. She's always praying. In fact,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I don't know why she's not praying right now.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10HE CLEARS THROAT Isn't it prayer time?
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Eh? Prayers?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Nahin. Come on!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Come on, you want a biscuit?
0:21:19 > 0:21:21Come, come, come.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Look at that. Good, eh?
0:21:27 > 0:21:31Well, I'm must say, I've always been fascinated by Muslim sects.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36What?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I'm very interested in Muslim sects.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Are you?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Oh, yes. It's an extremely exciting subject.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50What about you? How do you fit in?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56How do I fit in where?
0:21:56 > 0:22:01Well, with all the sects. Would you say you were fairly orthodox?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Well, quite orthodox.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Bedroom mostly...
0:22:08 > 0:22:11..and occasionally we try something different.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13And are they involved too?
0:22:13 > 0:22:15No, they're bloody not!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20They're not OhTwaddis? They're a different sect, are they?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Oh, "sect"! I see what you mean.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Salaam Aieikum, Mr Khan.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Waleikum Asalaam. What are you doing here?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33We fixed the bath, like you said. It was very fiddly.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36You see, we OhTwaddis bathe all the time.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39We have more baths than you Catholics have babies.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Cleanliness is next to godliness.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Exactly! That's the thing with us OhTwaddis.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49We're either bathing or praying.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Oh, look, Alia's praying right now.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54Such a good girl! What?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57MUSIC PLAYS
0:22:57 > 0:22:59That's a traditional OhTwaddi prayer tune.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03We do our special OhTwaddi prayers to it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07Oh, really? Oh, yes, yeah. Well, please, please, don't let me stop you.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08Huh? No, no, no, really,
0:23:08 > 0:23:12I'd love to see it. Would you mind if I took a photograph?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Oh, twaddi!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43What's that noise?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45And why are these doors closed?
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Oh, twaddi!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58What the hell is going on?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02You can't come in here! Oh, my goodness! Married women! Do you need to cover their faces?
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Well, in her case it might not be such a bad idea.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Who's that?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12No-one! He just came for the celebration, but he's going to go now.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Dad! You're showing me up in front of Matt and Debbie!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:24:17 > 0:24:22What a coincidence! We got a Matt and Debbie at the festival of Mattandebaay!
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Time to go. Professor Stevens?
0:24:25 > 0:24:29I thought it was you. It's Debbie Evans, from Anscombe Catholic College for Girls.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32You were my headmaster. Yes, hello, Deborah! How are you getting on?
0:24:32 > 0:24:34What's a headmaster doing here?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I was trying to get a bloody scholarship for Alia.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41To a Catholic school? What happened to the Muslim Academy?
0:24:41 > 0:24:44I was trying to save some money.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46You were trying to do what?
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oh, twaddi!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Sorry, what is it you're saying?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Oh, double twaddi!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58What's going on?
0:24:58 > 0:25:02I made up a fake religion to get Alia a free school place.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06So are you saying... there is no OhTwaddi sect?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Yes. You made it all up?
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Yes. What, even the carrots?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Yes.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24OK, yes, well, thank you very much. I think I've heard enough.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27No, wait, I can explain.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29We should leave. Come on, Amjad.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30Maybe we should go too.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Amjad! They're leaving! Do something to help!
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Oh, right. Do you need a taxi?
0:25:40 > 0:25:43So that's it, then? Alia's failed all her exams
0:25:43 > 0:25:47and now she doesn't have a school to go to. You have ruined her life.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52It's OK.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54We'll send her to the Muslim Academy.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57But it's very expensive - how will you afford it?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01I'll find a way. I'll do whatever it takes.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05I'll even...sell...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07the Mercedes!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10But Papaji, you can't sell your car.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16It's all right, sweetie.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18Car's not important.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Money is not important.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24The most important thing is your future...
0:26:25 > 0:26:27..and I'll take care of it,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29no matter how much money it costs me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Well...maybe I was being hasty.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Perhaps we can offer you a free place after all.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Hallelujah!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Do you really mean that?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Yes, there is room for discretionary application
0:26:46 > 0:26:48of the rules for the disadvantaged.
0:26:48 > 0:26:52And you are clearly very disadvantaged.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Here we are. Now let's eat.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Shouldn't we wait for Papaji?
0:27:03 > 0:27:06He'll be down in a minute. He's just gone to freshen up.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07I'm so sorry about all that.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's fine. Really! My dad's always embarrassing me!
0:27:10 > 0:27:14I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have brought the doli.
0:27:14 > 0:27:19Oh, no, it's wonderful. And when the time comes, Shazia will look beautiful in it.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Aw, thanks, Mum!
0:27:20 > 0:27:23It really is fantastic.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27The workmanship, it-it-it's remarkable.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Such intricate fretwork.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33Would it be OK if I got in to have a closer look?
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Of course.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39But please, do be careful! It's a family heirloom.
0:27:39 > 0:27:40Absolutely!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47No harm done!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Oh, thank you so much for fixing the bath.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54It was no trouble. Once we cut out the joist, it was all plain sailing.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Once you cut out the what?
0:27:56 > 0:27:58CREAKING
0:28:19 > 0:28:21HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Do we still get a scholarship?
0:28:40 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd