0:00:02 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:12 > 0:00:13Community leader.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22They all know me... You like my suit?
0:00:25 > 0:00:29Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33KHAN HUMS
0:00:37 > 0:00:38I'm worried about Naani.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Me too.
0:00:40 > 0:00:41Something's not right, is it?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44No. What do you think's wrong with her?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47She's still bloody here, that's what's wrong with her!
0:00:48 > 0:00:50She was only supposed to be staying one week.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52When's she going back to Pakistan?
0:00:52 > 0:00:55No, I mean she's not herself.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56She's forgetful.
0:00:56 > 0:01:00She just sits there all day, staring into space.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01She's old lady.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03What do you want her to do? Hokey bloody cokey?
0:01:05 > 0:01:10It says in my magazine that Naani's behaviour could be the first sign of,
0:01:10 > 0:01:11you know, losing it a bit.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Maybe I should call someone.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14Good idea.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15How about travel agent?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19If she doesn't perk up soon, she's not going back to Pakistan.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21She'll just have to stay here with us.
0:01:21 > 0:01:22What?!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Aargh! Aargh!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15SHE SPEAKS IN URDU
0:02:15 > 0:02:17You scared the life out of me!
0:02:25 > 0:02:27KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Hello, Papaji.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Just doing my homework.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Such a good girl! All right, Naanijaan?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38Looking forward to going back Pakistan?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41It's got much better while you've been here, you know.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I hear they got a Nando's there now!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Piri-piri chicken yum yum, isn't it?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52We can't send her back to Pakistan like this.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Of course we can. She's fine. Aren't you, Naanijaan?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57SHE SPEAKS URDU ...idiot!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59See? Perfectly normal.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Naani, you want a biscuit?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04It's a good one.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05Custard creamy.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Nahin. Come on. Have a little biscuit.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Come on, come on, come on.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Dad! She's not a dog!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18I know that, Shazia.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Maybe she needs a walk.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23You want to go walkies?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24This isn't right.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Look, there's a test in here. Let's try it on her.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Ah, good idea, then you'll see.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Come on, come on!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Naanijan, we just want to ask you a few questions, is that OK?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Easy peasy.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Go on, ask her the first one.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43OK. Ready? Haan.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48In one minute, name five animals you would find on a farm.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Five animals you would find on a farm, Naanijaan.
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Sheep.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Sheep! Very good.
0:04:32 > 0:04:33Any more?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Sheep.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42You said sheep.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Supermarket.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53What?!
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I mean, what, what, what?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Try to think, Naanijaan.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Pig.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Pig!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Very good. Only three more.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22HE CLIP-CLOPS
0:05:26 > 0:05:27What are you doing?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31I think there's a leak coming from under the sink, sweetie.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Oh, no, time's up.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39You did really well, Naanijaan, really well.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40(She only got two!)
0:05:40 > 0:05:42Two's good.
0:05:42 > 0:05:43In Pakistan, that's an A plus.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47We can't send her back like this.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Of course we can!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51No, she's just going to have to stay here and live with us.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53No bloody way!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I'm not breaking the news to immigration.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57Oh, hello!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00We're sorry, we've got one more.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04She needs to get out more.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Get some stimulation, meet new people.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Maybe you could take her to the mosque! What, me?!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12But I'm getting on the mosque committee, sweetie.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Yes, OK, yes, I'll take her.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20Good. And you could sign her up for some classes.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24Good idea - maybe we could start with bloody charades!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37There must be something on at the community centre you like.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Karaoke night. That sounds good, eh?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Come on! Everyone likes karaokes!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Who could you do?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Maybe one of the older lady singers, eh?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Cher!
0:06:49 > 0:06:50No.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Diana Ross!
0:06:51 > 0:06:53No. Lulu!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56# We-e-e-e-ll... #
0:06:56 > 0:06:58...aah! Allah hu Akbar!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:07:03 > 0:07:04I want you to go back home too,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07but Mrs Khan wants you to cheer up first.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Oh, how about Wing Chung Kung Fu self-defence class?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Protect yourself from the muggers.
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Ah ha-ha wooah...
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Ahh... Raargh...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Salaam Aleikum.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Weleikum Asalaam.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29It's all right, Naani, they're not muggers.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34It's Omar and Riaz. You remember the mother-in-law, don't you?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Of course.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Salaam Aleikum.
0:07:37 > 0:07:43I hope that Allah continues to bless you with a long and happy life,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46and may his bounty rain down upon your head always!
0:07:48 > 0:07:49Hello.
0:07:53 > 0:07:57I'm trying to find her something to do. Otherwise she just sits there staring into space.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59My grandmother, back in Somalia,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02she had become very forgetful when she was old.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06We were very worried, so we spoke to the village's traditional healer
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and he gave us some very good advice.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13Yes, thank you, but I'm not feeding my mother-in-law some medicine
0:08:13 > 0:08:16made of snake's blood to drive out the evil spirits.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I was going to suggest Sudoku.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Just get her some tea and a biscuit, will you?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26I'm going to see the new mosque manager.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29He's going to put me on the committee.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30It's OK. He's a good guy.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Oh! Have you met him? Yes, we have.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34And is he one of us?
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Oh, yes.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, thank God for that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40Things are going to be different around here.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Now we've finally got rid of ginger Dave.
0:08:42 > 0:08:43I liked Dave.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44Don't get me wrong.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I got nothing against ginger peoples in the mosque,
0:08:47 > 0:08:51but once you let one in, then the floodgates open.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56We got to guard ourselves from this creeping gingerfication.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I'm like the brown finger in the ginger dyke.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Salaam Aleikum.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Aie! Who are you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10I'm the new mosque manager.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Not again!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16I thought you said he was one of us?
0:09:16 > 0:09:18He is, he's an Aston Villa fan.
0:09:20 > 0:09:21Up the Villa!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24No! There must be some kind of mistake.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25We've already had a ginger manager, you see.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Sorry, I'm not with you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30The last mosque manager, Dave - he was also a ginger
0:09:30 > 0:09:33so we've done our bit for equal opportunities.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Hey, we're not all the same, you know.
0:09:35 > 0:09:36I'm actually nothing like Dave.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38What's your name?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Dave.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Oh, God!
0:09:43 > 0:09:46And you are? Mr Khan, community leader, they all know me.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47CLEARS THROAT
0:09:47 > 0:09:51Well, Mr Khan, I see this job as a great opportunity.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54I want to concentrate on helping the little people of Sparkhill.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Ah, right, you mean the Bangladeshis!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59I want to try and help the underprivileged,
0:09:59 > 0:10:02the weak, the downtrodden, those who have lost all hope...
0:10:02 > 0:10:04In that case, you want Wolverhampton.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'm not sure I follow.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Listen, Dave, all that stuff I said before about gingers,
0:10:12 > 0:10:14I didn't mean you.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15You're all right.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Thanks.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You're welcome.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22You see, what you have to understand is, to get anything done round here,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25you need a "friend" on the mosque committee.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Oh, I see - are you on the mosque committee? I don't know, am I?
0:10:28 > 0:10:30I don't know, are you?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32I could be.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37I don't understand. There aren't any places on the mosque committee. That's right. Not any more, eh?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41Well, there was one, but I've already given it to someone. What? Who?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Right, come on, we've got to go. Is there anything else I can help you with?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No! He was looking for something
0:10:53 > 0:10:56for his mother-in-law. To stop her going doolally.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I've got just the thing - a drop-in day today at the Community Centre.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Tea and biscuits. Lots of company. Sound good?
0:11:01 > 0:11:05No, thank you! We don't need any help from you.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Why don't you just go back to where you came from?
0:11:09 > 0:11:10I'll tell you this much, Dave,
0:11:10 > 0:11:15since you arrived, this mosque has gone really downhill.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19CAR HORN TOOTS
0:11:22 > 0:11:24We're not going home.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I'm going to find something for you to do if it kills me.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Come on, come on!
0:11:31 > 0:11:34SHE SPEAKS URDU ...stupid man!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38I'm not taking you home! There must be somewhere you can go.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40How about the hospital? Lots of old people there.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42And you get a free biscuit!
0:11:42 > 0:11:43HORN BEEPS
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Get a move on! You're running out of time as it is!
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Here we are, see? This is more like it!
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Do the bingo with lots of other old people.
0:12:00 > 0:12:05Not so many Pakistanis, but that's good. You want to meet different types, put yourself about a bit.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Hello, there. Are you here for the bingo? Yes, that's right.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Are you members? No, we're here for the bingo.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13It is a members' club though, I'm afraid, so...
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I don't think you understand.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16We don't want to join the club.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17We're here to do the bingo.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You're here to do the bingo!
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'm so sorry! Of course. See, I wasn't expecting...
0:12:23 > 0:12:25It's OK - this is the mother-in-law.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26I'm mainly doing it for her.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29And her English is getting better all the time.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Go on, say something in English.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Bugger off!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41All right, settle down, boys and girls.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45Settle down. Let's get these balls rolling, and let's hear
0:12:45 > 0:12:50a warm Sparkhill Working Men's Club welcome for our guest caller tonight...
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Mr Khan.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Mr Khan!
0:12:55 > 0:12:56MICROPHONE FEEDBACK
0:12:56 > 0:12:57Salaam Aleikum.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Two.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Aren't you going to do "one little duck"?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24What? You know. Like the bingo callers.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26One little duck, number two.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27What are you talking about?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30All the numbers have special nicknames.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Key of the door - 21.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Maggie's Den - number ten.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34Sounds stupid!
0:13:34 > 0:13:35People like it.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38That's why we've got a caller. If you're not going to do it...
0:13:38 > 0:13:40All right! Chillax! Keep your knickers on!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Right, let's see.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Number of times we pray.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Come on! Number of times we pray!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Five a day, isn't it!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Number of times we pray, five a day!
0:14:06 > 0:14:07Five!
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Number of prophets named in the Koran.
0:14:20 > 0:14:2125!
0:14:24 > 0:14:26(What is it now?)
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I'm not sure this stuff is appropriate. What?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Well, I mean, some of them may not be familiar with Muslim culture.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32They're all from Sparkhill, aren't they? Yes.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34They're familiar with Muslim culture.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What did you do for Ramadan?
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Ate nothing.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Ate nothing!
0:14:46 > 0:14:4880!
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Come on, these are easy ones!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01I'm doing a campaign to get rid of the new mosque manager.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What do you think?
0:15:05 > 0:15:06Good, eh?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12Naanijaan, you don't have to do all this!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:15:15 > 0:15:17You look after me, I look after you.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24HE SNIFFS
0:15:25 > 0:15:27I now go upstairs to pack suitcase.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I'll call Pakistan and warn them you're coming.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35These last few days, she's been so much happier.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37I told you - there's nothing wrong with her.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39There's a real spring in her step.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I know, it's the bingo. They love it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43It was a bit of a surprise, them having bingo at the mosque.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Not really, my darling.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Islam is a very modern religion.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52We've got all kinds of things at the mosque now.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Bingo, line dancing, over-60s' climbing wall.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57CLEARS THROAT
0:15:57 > 0:15:58Hello, sir.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Hello, Amjad. I'm learning to cook.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Why?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03This is the 21st century, Dad.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Men should pull their weight in the kitchen just as much as women.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10That's right. So, Shazia's going to teach me.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11Me?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13I can't cook. Mum'll do it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16All right. Come on then, Amjad.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Let's get on with it. OK.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22You know, a lot of people think cooking isn't very manly.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25But what could be more manly than providing food for your family?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Quite right. So, what do you want to begin with?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Can we do cupcakes?
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Are you still doing your online prayers, sweetie? What?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Oh, yes, Papaji.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Vah! I can't believe you can do your prayers online these days.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Neither can I.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But one thing, though, make sure you're facing this way.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Why? So that I'm facing towards Mecca?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58No, you get a better Wi-Fi signal!
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Did you know Naani's going away?
0:17:03 > 0:17:07Yes, yes. It's a shame, but she's got to go back to Pakistan sometime.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08No, she's not going to Pakistan.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11She's gone to Bournemouth for the weekend with her new friend.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13They've got a caravan, apparently.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Which new friend? The one she met at the bingo.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Oh.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I think it's nice.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Two old ladies having a nice time together.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Yeah. It's not an old lady, though.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27What? Naani's friend.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's not a lady. It's a man.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31What?! It can't be a man.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Unless it's the imam?
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Or is it your Auntie Fatima?
0:17:34 > 0:17:36She looks a bit like a man.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38It's not the imam, or Auntie Fatima.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40It's a white bloke called Clive.
0:17:40 > 0:17:42BOTH: What?!
0:17:42 > 0:17:44How do you know all this?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It's on her Facebook page. There's a picture of them - look!
0:17:52 > 0:17:53Oh, my God!
0:17:53 > 0:17:54It's him!
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Do you know him?
0:17:56 > 0:17:57No.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Dad...
0:17:59 > 0:18:00All right, yes.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02So where did she meet him? At the bingo?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Yes.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05So he's a Muslim.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08No.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09But he was at the mosque?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11No.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13So where was he, then?
0:18:13 > 0:18:16At Sparkhill Working Men's Club.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18What?!
0:18:18 > 0:18:19It seemed like a good idea at the time.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21She can't go to Bournemouth
0:18:21 > 0:18:24with a strange bloke she just met at a Working Men's Club.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27What will the neighbours think?
0:18:27 > 0:18:28What will the mosque women's group say?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Mum's going to go nuts!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33She mustn't find out.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35How do we turn off the internet?
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What's going on?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39What is it?
0:18:39 > 0:18:41What's happened?
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Well, the thing is, sweetie...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You know how Naani's been really chirpy recently?
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Haan. Because she's been going to the bingo!
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Yes.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Well, there's another reason. What other reason?
0:18:54 > 0:18:58You know the story about the snake and the mongoose...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Well, once there was this snake.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10She was a very old snake and a bit grumpy and stuck in her ways,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12and no-one liked her very much.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15But then one day she met a mongoose
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and they became friends.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22And the snake community said, "No, you can't be friends with a mongoose.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26"You're a snake." But after a while, the snake community calmed down
0:19:26 > 0:19:30and stopped bothering the old snake's family, and no-one really minded.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34What the hell are you talking about?
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Naani's got a white boyfriend called Clive, they're going to Bournemouth together!
0:19:39 > 0:19:41What?!
0:19:41 > 0:19:42How did this happen?
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Where did she meet...Clive?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Sparkhill Working Men's Club.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48What?
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Sweetie! No-one needs to know.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It can be a family secret.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56We'll just keep it with the others.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59Dad, their photo's on Facebook! Everyone can see it.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Oh, my God!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04No-one's going to look at that. She's not Britney bloody Spears!
0:20:05 > 0:20:07I don't care about all that.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11I'm not letting my mother go to Bournemouth with some strange man.
0:20:11 > 0:20:12You're right. We'll lock her in her room.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15We can push biscuit under the door.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18How can she be friends with a man called Clive?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I mean, they've got nothing in common.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Exactly! I mean, what have they been doing all this time?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Oh, my God!
0:20:30 > 0:20:31You don't think...
0:20:31 > 0:20:33What? No way!
0:20:33 > 0:20:34What?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37No wonder she's been so cheerful!
0:20:38 > 0:20:40BOTH: Eeewww!
0:20:42 > 0:20:43What?!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46Tang tang.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Hai! Hai!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53I got a little bit of sick in my mouth.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56DOORBELL RINGS
0:20:56 > 0:20:58That'll be Naani's booty call!
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Naani, why didn't you tell us you had a new friend?
0:21:06 > 0:21:09And that it was a man?
0:21:09 > 0:21:10Called Clive?
0:21:11 > 0:21:13You never asked.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17It's Clive.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Hello, there.
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Hello, Hobnob.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21SHE GIGGLES
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Hobnob?!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28It's my pet name for her.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Because she's so moreish.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Oh, God!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37So you're Naani's new friend?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Yes, yes, we only met a few days ago.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42But it's like we've known each other forever.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Really?
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Now we can't see enough of each other.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51And at our age there's no point hanging about, is there? You've got to get on with it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57But how do you...communicate?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Ah, now. Actually, I was born in India.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03In the Punjab.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Long time ago, of course, but I've still got a bit of the old mother tongue.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Hai!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12And, of course, then there's always body language.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17And we use our hands a lot.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Ah, she's very gifted in that way.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Hai!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I mean, it can be a struggle,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29but somehow she manages to pull it off!
0:22:33 > 0:22:34That's enough!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Now you listen to me, Clive. There are some things you must understand.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45What's that? There are boundaries.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47She's an old Pakistani lady.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49It's a cultural thing.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50What do you mean?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54No tang tang!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59I can assure you there'll be nothing of that nature.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Don't give me that, Clive.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I'm a man of the world.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Honestly, Mr Khan, your mother-in-law and I are just very good friends.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Please!
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I know what your sort get up to.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16We've seen those documentaries on Channel 5.
0:23:17 > 0:23:18Now, look...
0:23:18 > 0:23:19Oh, no!
0:23:19 > 0:23:24Once you've had your way, you'll be bragging about it all over Birmingham!
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Her reputation will be ruined and you won't care.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31Mr Khan, please! No.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34To you, she's just another notch on the bedpost!
0:23:37 > 0:23:38So what? What?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41What's the big deal? She's happy, isn't she?
0:23:41 > 0:23:46Alia, beti, you are young and innocent and, with God's help,
0:23:46 > 0:23:48you'll stay that way forever.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51You don't understand what's happening.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Whatever. Naani wasn't happy and now she is. What does it matter who her friend is?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Or do you only care about what other people think?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02One minute.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Well, what do you think?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13I don't know.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Maybe Alia is right.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Maybe.
0:24:17 > 0:24:18So, what do you want to do?
0:24:18 > 0:24:22Lock her in! Or send her to my sister's in Bradford on the coach.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24There's no loo, but if she can hold off till Barnsley,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26they'll stop at a services.
0:24:26 > 0:24:30Sweetie, if she wants to go, what can we do?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31We can't control her.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Once, it was her trying to control you, remember?
0:24:34 > 0:24:38You know when you were a young girl, 20 years old,
0:24:38 > 0:24:41and you went home to your mother to tell her that you'd seen
0:24:41 > 0:24:43this very handsome young man
0:24:43 > 0:24:48from the next village, and you wanted to meet him?
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Haan. She refused to let me go.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51But I went anyway.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54That's right. And then what happened?
0:24:54 > 0:24:57It turned out he was already married.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01But then I met you on the bus on the way home.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Exactly, it was your lucky day!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08So, we should let her go to Bournemouth?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Haan.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11With Clive?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Haan.
0:25:13 > 0:25:14OK.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Right.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Mrs Khan and I have had a talk.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27You can go to Bournemouth, with our blessing.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31But you have to promise me one thing. What's that?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33Separate caravans.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36But really, there's no need.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37Oh, yes, there is.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39No, there isn't. I think there is.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Honestly, Mr Khan, there isn't.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Well, just give me one good reason.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47I'm gay.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That'll do it.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00You don't look very gay.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Well, I don't tell people about it.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05I'm the wrong generation, I suppose.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07In my day, you kept it to yourself.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Quite right.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Not that there's anything wrong with being...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13of the gay.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I'm glad you think so. Of course! I love gay men.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I mean, live and let live, isn't it?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24You're a supporter of gay rights, then?
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Absolutely.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Same sex marriage?
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Oh, yes! We Pakistanis been having same sex marriage for years.
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Lights off. Tang tang!
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Lights on. Cup of tea!
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Very refreshing attitude.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I know some people struggle with the idea.
0:26:41 > 0:26:46Clive, what you have to understand is that in Pakistan, men are men.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48We're a very macho culture.
0:26:48 > 0:26:49Who wants a cupcake?
0:26:53 > 0:26:56So I'll be back tomorrow to pick her up?
0:26:56 > 0:26:58OK.
0:27:00 > 0:27:01You'll look after her, won't you?
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Don't worry.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Thank you.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about...
0:27:11 > 0:27:14As I say, I like to keep it private.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Don't worry, Clive.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Your secret is safe with me.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Right. Goodbye then, Clive.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Bye-bye.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Until tomorrow, then.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Au revoir, Hobnob.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Ooh!
0:27:36 > 0:27:38It's all right, he's gay!
0:27:49 > 0:27:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd