0:00:04 > 0:00:09Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Community leader.
0:00:20 > 0:00:23They all know me... You like my suit?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:31 > 0:00:35MR KHAN SNORES LOUDLY
0:00:39 > 0:00:42You're snoring!
0:00:42 > 0:00:45HE SNORES EVEN LOUDER
0:00:52 > 0:00:54SNORING CONTINUES
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Ugh! Agh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:12HE RESUMES SNORING
0:01:19 > 0:01:21You look smart, Papaji. Doing something special?
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Very special.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I'm going to the mobile men's health clinic at the mosque. What?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29They're doing the testing for heart disease.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31It's very common with us Pakistanis.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34Did you know, we're in the top three groups most affected?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Top three! Good, eh?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Is something wrong with you?
0:01:38 > 0:01:40No, it's not for me. I'm fit as a fiddler.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43They're testing the young peoples, so I'm taking future son-in-law.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Has Amjad got a heart problem? No, unfortunately not.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50This way, I get my picture in the papers. Imagine -
0:01:50 > 0:01:55your father, Mr Khan, on the front page of the Sparkhill Echo.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Headline could be, "Community leader leads community."
0:01:59 > 0:02:01I don't get it.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04This project is very high-profile, beti.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Lots of press coverage. We've got famous Asian
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Member of Parliament coming down to support it. Oh, which one?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11There's only one famous Asian MP, darling.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Keith Vaz? No, the other one.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You know, I'm doing this for the whole family.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Imagine what your classmates will say when you tell them.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Yeah, soon I won't be just Alia Khan,
0:02:24 > 0:02:27I'll be Alia Khan, daughter of a man who is a friend of an MP.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Exactly!
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I'm so proud of you, Papaji.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Wow.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37You're like the son your mother never gave me.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Thanks. So, can I have some money?
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Of course!
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Alia, get some normal clothes on. We're going shopping.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Great, where are we going? TJ's Baby Warehouse.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49It's the biggest outlet store in the West Midlands.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53What we going there for? To buy baby clothes. What?!
0:02:53 > 0:02:55We're going to buy baby clothes. Exciting, isn't it?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Exciting?! It's a bloody miracle!
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Not for me, you idiot.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03For Sharmine down the road - she's due next week.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05And I might pick up a few things myself.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08What? You're not married.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10It's impossible for you to have children!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13For when we ARE married.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15We'll be having children then. God willing.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And God help us!
0:03:18 > 0:03:19I love babies.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I love them so much.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I really, really love them.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I love their tiny little hands and their tiny little feet
0:03:28 > 0:03:30and their chubby little cheeks!
0:03:30 > 0:03:31Oh!
0:03:31 > 0:03:35She's off again. No-one loves babies as much as I do.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37And Amjad is such a healthy young man.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40He'll have no trouble producing lots of babies
0:03:40 > 0:03:42when the time comes, eh?
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I'll do my best.
0:03:45 > 0:03:46Well, you can drive us.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No! I need Amjad to come with me to the mosque.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Why? Because it's good for us to spend time together.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54You're always saying I don't spend
0:03:54 > 0:03:57enough quality time with him, and you're right.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00He's going to be a part of this family, after all.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04We are not losing a daughter, we're gaining a son.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08And we're going to do the father-and-son bonding stuff,
0:04:08 > 0:04:10just me and him.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Aaach...
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Thanks, Dad.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18All right, don't get carried away, eh?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21OK, fine. But just meet us outside the baby shop at one o'clock.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25And take care of our little baby machine!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Oh, God!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Oh, God.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55OK...
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Coming through! Excuse me. Thank you.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Yes, and of course I'm delighted to be showing my support
0:05:19 > 0:05:21for such a fantastic project.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I'm also very delighted to be supporting this project.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Even more so delighted. Sorry, and you are?
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Tony Abbas, er, Member of Parliament.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I know who you are. I'm MP, too.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, really? Yes.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Muslim Pakistani.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Right. Well, it's, erm, lovely, we've had such a strong turnout.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Isn't it? You know, I'm always saying
0:05:46 > 0:05:50the National Health Service is one of our greatest achievements.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Did you know there are more Pakistani doctors here now
0:05:53 > 0:05:56than in the whole of Karachi? That's progress, eh?
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Really? I-I didn't know that.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Oh, yes. Pakistani doctors do it all -
0:06:00 > 0:06:04neurologist, cardiologist, gynaecologist -
0:06:04 > 0:06:07we've got our fingers in lots of pies.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Right.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11What about the photos? When are we going to do them?
0:06:11 > 0:06:13Oh, erm, maybe later.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15It's just I have a meeting in the mosque.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18OK. Well, maybe we can have a private chat,
0:06:18 > 0:06:20get a bit of quality time, huh?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23Me and you have got a lot in common.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28All right, see you later!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32OK, who's next, please?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Reporting for duty. Salaam alaikum.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Ready for testing.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40We've just been speaking to the Member of Parliament.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42We're going to get our photos taken for the papers later.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Great. We just need to fill out some paperwork first.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Of course. So, name...
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Amjad Malik. A-M-J...
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Wait. What is it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:52That's my name.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Yes, because you're the one having the tests.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Oh. But what about you?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Amjad, this isn't about me.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01You're the important one.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03But I don't think I need a health check, sir.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06You're joining the Khan family now, son.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Very healthy men in our family.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Imran Khan, Amir Khan.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Chaka Khan.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14It is a 15-year project, so you will have to agree to be tested
0:07:14 > 0:07:17for all that time. Yes, he does, don't you? Put yes. Hold on.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21Date of birth? 8.12.89. And sex?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I suppose. Eventually.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Hello, Dave. What the hell are you doing here?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30I thought I'd come along and help out.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Well, keep your hands off the MP, I've already bagsied him.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Actually, Mr Khan, heart disease is a real issue in the Asian community.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39We need to do everything we can to fight it. Yes.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I don't know whether you've noticed, Dave,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44but you're not part of the Asian community.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Look at me. Face brown, hair black. That's an Asian.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Look at you. Face white, hair ginger. That's a ginger.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I see only human beings, Mr Khan, I'm completely colour-blind.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55Well, you'd have to be, to put up with that hair.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58Well done, Amjad. You're doing a good thing here.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00You know, heart disease is the number one cause of death
0:08:00 > 0:08:02amongst middle-aged Pakistani men.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Is it? Oh, yes. It's your genes, apparently.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07What about you lot, do you get it? It's not as bad for us.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Well, I suppose there has to be some advantages, eh?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12How can they tell if I've got heart disease?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15They give you a cholesterol test, that's one of the markers.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18But they'll also tell you the heart attack symptoms to look out for -
0:08:18 > 0:08:21shortness of breath, dizziness, sharp pain down the left side.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23All right, keep it light. We don't want to frighten him, do we?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Two of my cousins had it.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27They found out because they had the high cholesterol.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29See? What happened to them?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31They all died.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34What? Yep. Just like that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36One minute, walking around eating salad.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Next minute, gone.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42What about you, have you got it? No. I keep in good shape.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46OK, Mr Malik.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Amjad? Amjad!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Amjad! Amjad!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Are you in here?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I know you're in here.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Come on, out!
0:09:04 > 0:09:06It won't take long.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08It'll be over in a jiffy.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Are you afraid? Is that it?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Don't be afraid. It'll be all right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19I'll be with you the whole time.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Open the bloody door!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24I want to get my picture in the paper!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Oh, God...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36WATER SPLASHES
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Ohhh!
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Now look what you've made me do!
0:09:51 > 0:09:52It won't hurt.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I can hold your hand if you like.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Oh, hello. Fancy meeting you here.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Go away!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I can't. I'm stuck.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Hello, sir.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Amjad, don't just stand there. Help me!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20The lock's jammed. Well, climb over, you idiot!
0:10:20 > 0:10:23That's dangerous! Amjad!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26I dragged myself 10,000 miles to this country.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29And you can't even climb over a toilet cubicle?!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh, no!
0:10:37 > 0:10:39What is it? Shazia!!
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Oooh!
0:10:49 > 0:10:50HE INHALES SHARPLY
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Ay-ee!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Ooh!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I think... I think I heard something go pop.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Well, just try to hold onto it all until we see the doctor.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02What if I can't have children? What am I going to tell Shazia?
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Nothing. There's no problem, it's all fine.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07I've already been worried about it, to be honest.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10My cousin's been trying for ages to have children.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I think infertility might run in the family.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16And I've had the mumps. You know what that means.
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Well, you get really hot, and then they start to swell up.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23What? You know!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Mine were the size of pomegranates.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33They're better now.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35Pomegranates are great.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37The rind stops you getting the runs.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41That's true, but I find the seeds always get stuck in your teeth.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46I'll just explain what happened and see if I can get us an appointment.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49Hang on, Dave, I'll deal with this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51We don't want the world and his auntie knowing our private business.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54Next, please. Hello, yes, we are next.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Name? Mr Khan.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03You don't have an appointment today.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05No. But we need to see the doctor urgently
0:12:05 > 0:12:08on a bit of a... (delicate matter)
0:12:08 > 0:12:12What's it regarding? I just told you, a delicate matter.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Can you be more specific?
0:12:13 > 0:12:15No.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18They do need to have some idea, Mr Khan.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Dave, I don't know if I've ever mentioned this -
0:12:21 > 0:12:23but I'm Mr Khan, community leader.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24They all know me.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27If this gets out, and Mrs Khan hears about it,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I'll need mine sewing back on, never mind Amjad's!
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Honestly, Mr Khan, it's fine. This is a doctor's surgery,
0:12:33 > 0:12:35they have very strict privacy rules.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Anything you say in here will be treated with the utmost confidence.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Brilliant!
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Right, OK...
0:12:42 > 0:12:43It's a bit of an urgent matter
0:12:43 > 0:12:46concerning the general region of the dingly-danglies.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I see. And is the appointment for yourself?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51HIGH-PITCHED: Of course not!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Do I look like I've got a problem with my dingly-danglies?!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57No!
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I'm as fit as a halal butcher's dog, don't worry about me.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It's for him.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Salaam alaikum.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Right. Well, the first available appointment is next Monday at 10.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, that's no good. We need to see someone now.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14I'm sorry, we're fully booked. But it's an emergency.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15Look at him, he's beside himself.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18If he doesn't see a doctor today, anything could happen.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I might do something stupid.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24If you could let us see a doctor, we would be very grateful.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26OK, fine, I'll see what I can do.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27There you are, very good.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30And make sure it's with a Pakistani doctor, eh?
0:13:30 > 0:13:33We don't want one of those dodgy foreign ones, you know.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Dr Patel could squeeze you in.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Patel? He's a bloody Indian!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Dr Patel is an excellent doctor.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46No bloody way!
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Who else have you got?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Dr Gupta? Indian.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Dr Prakash. Indian!
0:13:53 > 0:13:55Dr Man? Oh, he sounds OK, what's he like?
0:13:55 > 0:13:58That's him over there.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00No, thank you!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Well, that just leaves Dr Lowry. And is Dr Lowry...?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Dr Lowry is white. Right, that'll do.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Right, well, take a seat and wait to be called.
0:14:10 > 0:14:11Thank you.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15As-salaam alaikum.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26SHE COUGHS
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Oh, cor blimey!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49HE COUGHS VIOLENTLY
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oi!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11All right? What are you in for?
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Picking up free paracetamols?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15NHS is great, eh?
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Oh, free transport as well!
0:15:30 > 0:15:32I don't think they've got a cure for gingeritis, mate.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Hey! Do you know Dave?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Cheer up. It's not that bad.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45Yes. I suppose there's lots of couples who don't have children,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48and they're happy, aren't they? Most of them.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Look, Amjad.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Who knows what the future holds?
0:15:52 > 0:15:54We're all in God's hands,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and the important thing is that you and Shazia love each other.
0:15:58 > 0:16:01And together, you can get through anything.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03And anyway, you've got another one.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Oh, hello, sweetie, darling.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Are you having a nice time?
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Haan, we're ready. Come and get us.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20Tell him to hurry up. I can't wait to show these to Amjad.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Sweetie, maybe don't buy any baby clothes just yet, eh?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Too late.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30OK, just hold on to the receipts, huh?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32You never know, they may decide
0:16:32 > 0:16:35not to have children for...some reason.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37'What are you talking about? Where are you?'
0:16:37 > 0:16:40The doctor's. The doctor's?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Has something happened to Amjad? 'It's fine!'
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's nothing to worry about.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46It's all right, Mrs Khan, I've got another one.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48Shut up!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Mr Khan, the doctor's ready for you.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54Yes, I know, sweetie. But...
0:16:54 > 0:16:55HE GARGLES I'm losing you.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I've got no signal. I can't hear you.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00HE IMITATES INTERFERENCE OK, bye!
0:17:00 > 0:17:03I'm really worried, sir.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Amjad, it will be fine. You'll see the doctor,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09he'll be very understanding, he'll check you out
0:17:09 > 0:17:11and he'll tell you everything's tickety-boo.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Right. What can I do for you?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17I'm sorry, my dear, we're here to see Dr Lowry.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19I'm Dr Lowry.
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Crikey.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22She's a woman.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27I can see that.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Would you prefer to see a male doctor?
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Yes. No! But, sir...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Chillax, Amjad.
0:17:33 > 0:17:34We need to get this sorted.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37So she's a woman, so what?
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Womens are perfectly able at being almost as good doctors as mens.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46There's no reason to be embarrassed.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48So, what seems to be the problem?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Amjad? I... The...
0:17:54 > 0:17:57He's getting married, you see. And he wants to have lots of children.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00And at first, well, he had the mumps.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03And then his, er...swelled right up.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05They were the size of pomegranates.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10They're better now.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And then he sat on one of them. It was an accident.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16I see. So, what do you think?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Well, I think we should have a little look.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Why don't you go behind the screen and pop your trousers off? What?
0:18:20 > 0:18:21Hang on a minute!
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Is that strictly necessary? Well, I will need to examine him.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Well, can't you tell from there?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Not really.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Don't worry, I have examined lots of men before.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34I'm sure you have.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40But we are Pakistani. We are different.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I don't think you are.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44This is cultural, you see.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47As a Pakistani Muslim man, I cannot be seen naked by any woman.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Oh, really? What about your wife?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I'm working on that one.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Well, in that case, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you
0:18:56 > 0:18:58to book an appointment to see one of my male colleagues.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01OK. No! We need to know now.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Well, in that case, I will have to examine his testicles.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Mrs Dr Lowry!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09He's not even married yet.
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I don't know what to suggest.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Right. I'll do it.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15What? What?!
0:19:15 > 0:19:19Yes. It's fine, just get behind the screen and I'll check for you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I'm not really comfortable, sir. Just think of something else.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Like what? I don't know, anything.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Shazia! Absolutely not!
0:19:29 > 0:19:32Right, come on. Undo your...
0:19:32 > 0:19:34OK. Oh, God.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Right. Here goes.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44Is there any sign of contusion or bleeding?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47No. Any swelling or any other abnormalities?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50No. Are you sure?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51No. Why not?
0:19:51 > 0:19:53I've got my eyes shut!
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Just lightly palpate each one.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03What?!
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Just gently feel them to see if they're tender.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07You're joking?
0:20:07 > 0:20:08No, it's important.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:11OK.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Oh, my God!
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's terrible!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21They're completely flattened!
0:20:22 > 0:20:25That's my wallet. Oh, yes.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Please be careful, sir.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Shut up, Amjad!
0:20:34 > 0:20:37# Swing low
0:20:37 > 0:20:40# Sweet chariot
0:20:41 > 0:20:44# Coming for to carry me home... #
0:20:44 > 0:20:46MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Hello, Amjad's phone?
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Oh, hello, Mrs Malik. It's your mother...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Yes, we are in the doctor's.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59No, I've got my hands full at the moment.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Look, this really isn't working, I do need to see this for myself.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Right, I'm going to go, Mrs Malik. Goodbye.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Why don't I just come back there and have a look? No!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Hang on. I've got an idea.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13Right.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Hold still.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17CAMERAPHONE SHUTTER CLICKS
0:21:22 > 0:21:24There you go.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Everything all right?
0:21:29 > 0:21:32It all looks normal. See? I told you.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Are you sure? Can I still have children?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Well, you will need a proper medical exam. Of course,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38the only way to be really sure is for us to get a sample
0:21:38 > 0:21:41and then test the output. Right, now you've gone too far!
0:21:41 > 0:21:44I think we can leave Amjad to do that on his own.
0:21:44 > 0:21:45Thank God.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48There you go. And don't worry, you don't have to fill it.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50SHE CHUCKLES
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Ha-ha! Fill it! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Fill it!
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I get it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Oh, God. What's going on?
0:21:58 > 0:21:59Hello, darling.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01What's happened to Amjad? Nothing.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02So what's he doing here then?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06Something came up when we were doing the bonding. Is it serious?
0:22:06 > 0:22:07They just need to investigate.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Investigate what? Well, you know, this and that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14This will be absolutely fine, but that might need a bit of attention.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17What are you talking about? Right. OK.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You know in the cricket,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21and you have balls,
0:22:21 > 0:22:24and sometimes you have fast balls,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26slow balls, white balls,
0:22:26 > 0:22:27red balls,
0:22:27 > 0:22:29and even wide balls?
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Well, sometimes you can end up with...no ball.
0:22:36 > 0:22:41And if it's a no-ball, it's no good because it won't count. Do you see?
0:22:43 > 0:22:45So, his testicle has been repaired?
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Oh, my God!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Amjad! No!
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Get out of the way. No, you can't go in there.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Why not? He needs my help.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55I don't think so.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59AMJAD MOANS
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Oh, my God.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02He's in pain!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06I can't get the lid off.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09What happened to you?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12Mr Khan took me to the mobile clinic to get a health survey.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14You see? And then he was trying to
0:23:14 > 0:23:17crawl under the toilet cubicle with a Member of Parliament. Eh?!
0:23:17 > 0:23:20And then I hurt my down-belows trying to get him out.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21Hai, hai!
0:23:21 > 0:23:24And now I have to give a sample to see if I can still have children.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Hai, hai, hai! Hai, hai, hai!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Oh, my God, Amjad!
0:23:28 > 0:23:30What have you done to my baby?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33What have you done to him? Ow, stop it!
0:23:33 > 0:23:36I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Can we go home, please?
0:23:36 > 0:23:38OK, but I need to fill my pot first.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Amjad!
0:23:40 > 0:23:43Dad! How could you let this happen?
0:23:43 > 0:23:45The shame of it, how could you do this to us?
0:23:45 > 0:23:48If you've damaged him, I'll never forgive you.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Ow, my arm! Don't try and change the subject!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52This is all your fault! It is not my fault!
0:23:52 > 0:23:56Hang on, I think there's something really wrong.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Shortness of breath? Rushing sound in the ears?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Stabbing pains down your left side? Oh, my goodness!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What is it? Heart attack!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04We did it in biology and that.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06What?! Oh, my God, somebody do something!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07What about Amjad?
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Forget about Amjad. Call an ambulance!
0:24:10 > 0:24:13My husband is having a heart attack. Are you there, my darling?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, I'm here.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18I'm sorry about Amjad's testicles.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Don't speak now, save your strength.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24The ambulance will be here very soon, just try and rest, OK?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27My family is here.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29That's all I need.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33My beautiful wife, my wonderful daughter, Alia...
0:24:33 > 0:24:35and Shazia, you're here, too.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40Alia, reach into my pocket.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43You'll find a piece of paper there.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46I always carry it with me, just in case.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It has some things written down on there.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50No! Dad, stop it.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54It's a list of the best pound shops in Birmingham.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Alia, take it, with my blessing.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I see a dark tunnel!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I can see a light at the end of it!
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Go towards the light!
0:25:10 > 0:25:13No, no! Don't go towards the light.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Oh, yes - don't go towards the light.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Quickly, everybody get out of the way.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21He's having a heart attack, please help him.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Mind his legs, pick up his legs!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Do it properly! There we go.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Point me towards Mecca!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Mind my hat!
0:25:31 > 0:25:33I can't meet God without my hat.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37You see, my darling, the best health service in the world.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Only in Britain can you get this.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43I'm proud to be dying on NHS premises.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46I don't think he has had a heart attack.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50What?! Well, his pulse is very strong and his breathing is normal.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51What are you talking about? I'm in agony!
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Come on, give me the paddles!
0:25:54 > 0:25:55There's really no need.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58What about the shortness of breath, the rushing sound in his ear?
0:25:58 > 0:25:59It's probably just a panic attack.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02But the stabbing pain in his left side, that's a heart attack.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05He does seem to have some bruising along the left side of his chest.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07How could that have happened?
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Well, I don't know, do I?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12What?! I mean, how should I know?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's got nothing to do with me. OK.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Has he had a fall or a collision of some kind,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20have you been aware of anything like that?
0:26:21 > 0:26:25I've been poking you in the ribs with a cricket bat every night.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29What?! Why?
0:26:29 > 0:26:31To stop you snoring!
0:26:31 > 0:26:33Rubbish. I don't snore.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35You keep the whole house awake!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It's like lying next to a freight train.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40So, you're saying...
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Your husband is absolutely fine.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45What the hell is wrong with you?
0:26:45 > 0:26:49THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER
0:26:53 > 0:26:56ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Ah! Aaaaaargh!
0:27:16 > 0:27:17I'm glad Amjad's OK.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Oh, me too.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22They'll make good parents, I think. Don't you?
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Haan. And we'll make good grandparents.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Won't it be wonderful?
0:27:28 > 0:27:30You and me, sitting on our patio,
0:27:30 > 0:27:33with little Shazias and Amjads playing around our feet.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35Yes.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Wonderful.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Lucky for them you're still in the land of the living.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43And lucky for me, too.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Hmm?
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Good night. Good night, sweetie.
0:28:01 > 0:28:04HE SNORES
0:28:06 > 0:28:10HE SNORTS AND SNORES LOUDLY
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Agh!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd