0:00:04 > 0:00:09Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15Community leader.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23They all know me... Do you like my suit?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34MRS KHAN: Come on, get on with it.
0:00:34 > 0:00:37MR KHAN: All right, don't rush me.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39MRS KHAN: Just stick it in.
0:00:39 > 0:00:40MR KHAN: I am!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42MRS KHAN: But nothing's happening.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Try wriggling it about a bit.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47MR KHAN: What about now?
0:00:47 > 0:00:49MRS KHAN: Uh-uh.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52MR KHAN: It's not my fault! It's a very old box.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Why is it taking so long? I can't see anything.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59It's OK. We can see you.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01Just put your special jacket on.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06There you are. See?
0:01:06 > 0:01:09We need electricity, Dad. My phone's out of charge.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11All right, keep all your hairs on.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14I don't see Alia making such a fuss.
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Now the electricity's on, I can get back on new computer.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28(ELECTRONIC FIZZLE)
0:01:29 > 0:01:32?10 from second-hand shop. Not bad, uh?
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Why do you have to be on the computer all the time?
0:01:36 > 0:01:39I'm doing very important mosque business, sweetie.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Never interrupt God's work.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41What is it, Papaji?
0:01:41 > 0:01:45I'm booking Pakistani celebrity to do the prize draw for the Eid tombola.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48If I do this, they'll make me chairman of the committee.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51That will show Dave. Gingers going down!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Let's bring back the browns.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Is it going to be a cricketer?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Not every famous Pakistani's a cricketer, sweetie.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59So who is he?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Imran Khan. Famous cricketer!
0:02:04 > 0:02:06I'm messaging him now.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07Wow, do you know him, then?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09No, but he'll be on Facebook.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12There's only 47,000 Imran Khans on here.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15One of them's bound to be him.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You keep filling my house with all your stupid gadgets
0:02:18 > 0:02:19but you never get me anything.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21What about new mobile phone I got you this morning?
0:02:21 > 0:02:25You got new mobile phone. You gave me your old one.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27It's new to you.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30It's a good one, that one.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33They don't make them like that any more.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34Yeah, but I'm still getting all your calls.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37Yes, now you can be my wife and my secretary.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41You spend too much time on the internet.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Last night, you were down here until two in the morning.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Would you rather spend time with Imran Khan than come to bed with me?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52Of course not, sweetie.
0:02:52 > 0:02:53(GAGS)
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I'm not going to wait up there all night for you again.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01But night time is the best time to talk to Pakistan city that never sleeps.
0:03:01 > 0:03:01Karachi?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03No, Birmingham!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06- We're all booked in! - What?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09Me and Amjad have got our free trial day
0:03:09 > 0:03:11at the new fitness centre in Edgbaston. It's really nice.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14You have to be invited to be a member. It's dead exclusive.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16So, why did they invite you?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We have to go there tomorrow,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21and then they'll decide whether to let us join.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Guess who proposed us? Matt and Debbie.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Oh, not Matt and Debbie!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28We Muslims don't need to go to the gym.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31If you pray five times a day, you get plenty exercise.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35It's all that bending down, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37That's why I'm so slim, Papaji.
0:03:37 > 0:03:38Oh, this girl...
0:03:38 > 0:03:41she's like a one-woman praying machine.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45This is a step up for us.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48I'm not going to live in Sparkhill my whole life.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51One day, me and Amjad are going to get a place in Solihull.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55We're going to give our family all the things we never had.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57What things?!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I've always given you everything.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Yeah? What about the pony I always wanted?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04How many times, Shazia?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06We don't need a pony.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08We got car!
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I don't know what's wrong with that girl - putting on all these hairs and graces.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15She wants to move up in the world,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17and you shouldn't get in her way and embarrass her.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19How could I embarrass her?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What's embarrassing about me?
0:04:25 > 0:04:28(SLURPS NOISILY)
0:04:29 > 0:04:31(GRUNTS)
0:04:33 > 0:04:34It's going to be so great!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You should come with us tomorrow, Mum.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39They do all kinds of classes there, and there's a pool and a spa...
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Well, it does look nice.
0:04:41 > 0:04:42I'll have to get plenty of rest though,
0:04:42 > 0:04:44if I'm going to do all that exercise tomorrow.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47So let's just hope I'm not disturbed by someone
0:04:47 > 0:04:50clumping around the house at two in the morning.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52The Wi-Fi's not working, Papaji.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Oh, come on! That's the second time this month!
0:04:56 > 0:04:58You need to complain to the service provider.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01Don't worry. I'm going to.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Keith!
0:05:08 > 0:05:09- Keith! - Yes?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Have you changed your internet password?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Yes, I think so.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Well, bloody well change it back again!
0:05:30 > 0:05:32(SHE MUMBLES)
0:05:32 > 0:05:35Oh...
0:05:38 > 0:05:39(CLICK)
0:05:41 > 0:05:43(CLICK)
0:05:46 > 0:05:47(CLICK)
0:05:50 > 0:05:52(GROANS)
0:05:54 > 0:05:55(GROANS)
0:06:00 > 0:06:00Aha!
0:06:05 > 0:06:07(CLINKING)
0:06:10 > 0:06:11(MECHANISED WAILING)
0:06:13 > 0:06:15Ssh!
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh...the internet!
0:06:36 > 0:06:37Oh...
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Oh...
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Oh, God!
0:06:43 > 0:06:45(GROANS)
0:06:46 > 0:06:47(SIGHS)
0:06:52 > 0:06:54(SIGHS)
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Ah...
0:06:58 > 0:06:59Aargh!
0:06:59 > 0:07:00(THUD)
0:07:06 > 0:07:07(GRUNTS)
0:07:13 > 0:07:14(CLICK)
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- (SIGHS) - (CLICK)
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- (WINDOWS ON TONE) - Oh!
0:07:35 > 0:07:36(CREAKING)
0:07:42 > 0:07:43(SHE GASPS)
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Hello, beti.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52What are you doing?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Your father's a very important man.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57I'm doing some urgent mosque business.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59"Anyone fancy a chat?"
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Yeah. I'm still trying to get hold of Imran Khan.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05But don't tell your mother. I've just found a new cricket chatroom.
0:08:05 > 0:08:06What's it called?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Pakistanimatch.co.uk
0:08:09 > 0:08:11Are you sure that's a cricket chatroom?
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Alia, sweetie, who's faced more full tosses and googlies -
0:08:15 > 0:08:17you or me?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19- You have, Papaji. - Good girl.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21What are you doing?
0:08:21 > 0:08:22I was just going out.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Oh... Very late.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27There's a late night prayer meeting at the mosque.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29(CAR HORN BLARES)
0:08:29 > 0:08:31That's the imam coming to pick me up.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Such a good girl...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Is that a hijab?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Yeah. It's waterproof, in case it rains.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Clever, modest and practical.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46Khuda hafiz. Don't stay up too late.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47I won't.
0:08:47 > 0:08:52With these modern technologies, I can communicate at the speed of light!
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Here we go.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57What's my name?
0:08:57 > 0:08:58Mr Khan.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03What do I like?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Carrom board...
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Downtown Abbey...
0:09:07 > 0:09:08and cricket.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16What's my favourite position?
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Deep fine leg.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Wow.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Hello there. I'm Phil. I'm the manager here at The Place.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Hi. We're here for the free trial.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38We're friends of Matt and Debbie. I'm...Shannon Khan.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41It's good to meet you. Welcome.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Who's Shannon Khan?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- It's me. - But that's not your...
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I know. It just sounds a bit cooler, more sporty.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Oh, I get it. - And your name is?
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Yeah, it's not as easy as you'd think, is it?
0:09:57 > 0:09:58It's Amjad.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Yeah, that's pretty cool.
0:10:01 > 0:10:02Amjad.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05And this is your address? Solihull.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Mm-hm, that's right.
0:10:08 > 0:10:09But you don't live in...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Oh, gotcha.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14- And you are? - Mrs Khan, please, thank you very much.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18I've got to pick up Lottie from a riding lesson,
0:10:18 > 0:10:21so I've only got time for one step class and then yoga.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25I know, Wills has got trombone at 4, then I've got book group at 6.30.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28(POSH VOICE) Oh, yes, I've had to leave three loads of washing
0:10:28 > 0:10:30and I haven't ironed any of my husband's vests.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Which classes are you interested in?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36She's going to try bums and tums.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I really need it. They're both in a right old state.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- Salaam alaiqum. - Alaiqum salaam, boys.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Salaam alaiqum, Mr Khan. - Hello, Dave.
0:10:54 > 0:10:55How are you today? You look very nice.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Have you done something different with your hair?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What do you want?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- I need the office. I'm meeting a VIP. - What?
0:11:03 > 0:11:05It stands for "Very Important Pakistani".
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Right, I meant who?
0:11:08 > 0:11:09It's someone I met on the internet.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I've arranged to meet them here.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15We are going to have the greatest Eid tombola
0:11:15 > 0:11:18that Sparkhill has ever seen. What do you think of that, gravy Davey?
0:11:20 > 0:11:21Give us a clue. Who is he?
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Well, all I can say, he's very famous and Pakistani.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Is it a cricketer?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Not all famous Pakistanis are cricketers, you know!
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I know, but you're wearing your cricket shirt.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- Oh, yes. - Is it Mohammad Amir?
0:11:35 > 0:11:36- No. - Mohammad Asif.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- No. - Mohammad Yousuf.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- No. - Mohammad Irfan.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- No. - Does it begin with Mohammad?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It's Umar Gul.
0:11:44 > 0:11:45He's not very famous.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I know, but I'm going to use him to get to Imran Khan.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Well, I'm afraid you'll have to have your meeting somewhere else, Mr Khan.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53The mosque committee will be here in a minute.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I want them to approve my plans to allow women in the main prayer hall.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Eh? Have you finally flipped your ginger lid, Dave?!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Mr Khan, there's no reason why men and women
0:12:03 > 0:12:05can't mix perfectly happily together.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07(SIGHS) You're not married, are you, Dave?
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Look, I've got nothing against the womens,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12but they are different to us.
0:12:12 > 0:12:17We talk about cricket. They talk about hair and shoes.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20This is what's so good about the mosque. We keep them separate.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Hi, can I help you?
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Yes, is this the mosque office?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Yes, it is.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34You see what happens if you don't keep a firm grip on the rules, Dave?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36(CLEARS THROAT)
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Shoe shop is down the road, my darling.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Sorry?
0:12:41 > 0:12:46I said, "Shoe shop is down the road," and hairdresser's, M, TK Maxx.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49You mean because she is inappropriately dressed?
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Er, I don't understand.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Look, this is the mosque office.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You've got to tick two boxes to get in here.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59One - Muslim. Two - mans. You got no tick so far.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02No, really, it's fine.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm sorry, Dave, but you've got to be firm with peoples.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Just because she's one of yours, you can't be soft.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13You're in charge around here. You've got to stand up for yourself.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16- Mr Khan... - Not now, Dave. I'm talking.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Did you say "Mr Khan"?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19Deaf as well.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Yes, that's my name - Mr Khan, community leader.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23Now, if you don't mind,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25I'm waiting for someone, so you're going to have to leave. OK? Goodbye.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28But you're the man I'm here to meet.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30What are you talking about?!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33I've never met her before in all my life.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Mr Khan, we met online.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We arranged to meet here.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Oh, dear. That is a bit naughty.
0:13:41 > 0:13:46No, no, no, no. I arranged to meet Pakistani cricketer online.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48She doesn't look like a Pakistani cricketer to me.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Maybe with a beard.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52I'm Jackie. Jackie Smallwood.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55But you said your name was Umar Gul.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57You put that down in all your messages.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00That was OMG. I was excited to meet someone.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06OMG stands for "Oh, My God".
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Oh, my God!
0:14:09 > 0:14:10That's it.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12This is an outrage. I've been tricked.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Er... You were in a chatroom.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15Yes.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Pakistanimatch.co.uk.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yes.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Where they match women with Pakistani men.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, bugger!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31The penny drops.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32But what were you doing on a site like that?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Trying to meet Pakistani men.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Why? - I like them.
0:14:36 > 0:14:37Why?
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I've always had a thing about them. The rugged Imran Khan looks,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46the smouldering eyes. There's just something about Pakistani men.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49I'm Riaz.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53I'm sorry if there's been some confusion.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Well, there has. A big confusion.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57You're not who I had in mind at all!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Well, to be honest, neither are you.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01What? What do you mean?!
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Well you're a lot older than I was hoping for.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05How dare you!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I can still play a bit, you know.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09You ought to see me stroking it through the covers.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12I don't think anyone wants to see that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17Oh, my God! What if someone sees us together?
0:15:17 > 0:15:18What will people think?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Calm down, Mr Khan. It's a simple misunderstanding.
0:15:20 > 0:15:21You've got nothing to hide.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23(KNOCKING)
0:15:23 > 0:15:25- That's the mosque committee. - Oh, my God!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27It'll be OK. It's a woman in the mosque office.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28We've had women in the office before.
0:15:28 > 0:15:34Yes, it's only a woman who's inappropriately dressed,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36who you met on the internet.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Who likes Pakistani men.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Oh, my goodness me, yes, I see what you mean, yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42(KNOCKING)
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Do you think I could have a little tour before we go?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I've always wanted to see inside a mosque.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50What?! This is the house of God, not flipping Madame Tussauds!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Oh, we've got to get her out of here.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's not that way. They'll see her.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59Maybe we could cover her with a prayer mat.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Don't be ridiculous. We'll put her in the closet. Come on. Come on.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- MAN OUTSIDE: Hello? - (KNOCKING)
0:16:08 > 0:16:09(KNOCKING)
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Well, what are we going to do?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- MEN OUTSIDE: Hello. Let us in. - The window.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Come on.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- (KNOCKING CONTINUES) - Oh, God!
0:16:27 > 0:16:30There's a very big drop on the other side.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32- I don't think I could... - Don't worry,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- they'll go round and catch you. - Who will?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36You will! Come on. (IN URDU)
0:16:38 > 0:16:42Ah! Salaam alaiqum, Mr Mohammed. We're nearly ready.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44We're just rearranging the furniture.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48You know, like...we don't like our backs to face Mecca?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Well, we just realised they have been. Bloody satnavs.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52(NERVOUS GIGGLE)
0:16:59 > 0:17:01With you in a second, gentlemen.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04All right. You've got to go.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Now listen, I'm sorry about the mix-up. No hard feelings.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Now, go away and never contact me again!
0:17:10 > 0:17:11Don't worry, I won't.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13- You never answer your phone anyway. - What?
0:17:13 > 0:17:16I've sent you loads of texts. You've never replied once.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I've never had any text. Oh, twaddi.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24My wife's got my flipping phone!
0:17:25 > 0:17:26OK. We've got you.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Oh... Oh, no... (GROANS)
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- (SHE SCREAMS) - (THUD)
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Did you get her?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Hello there. - Salaam alaiqum.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I'm afraid you're a bit late for the free trial.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50- What? - It's OK.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53You can still apply for membership. Are you a friend of Matt and Debbie?
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Matt and Debbie?! Certainly not!
0:17:56 > 0:17:57I'm looking for a Mrs Khan.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Can you spell that?
0:17:59 > 0:18:04M-I-S-S-U-S Khan.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06And you are?
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Mr Khan.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- So is that your wife? - Yes(!)
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Well, if you'd like to wait here for her, I'm sure she'll be out soon.
0:18:13 > 0:18:14But I need to see her!
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'm afraid I can't let you in unless you're with a member.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I don't want to use your stuff. I just want to see my wife!
0:18:19 > 0:18:21I'm sorry. We do have a very strict security policy.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24This is worse than Immigration!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Thank you... What are you doing?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44No! Oh, God! What the...
0:18:44 > 0:18:45What?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- Amjad! - Hello, sir.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Have you...
0:18:51 > 0:18:51Where are your clothes?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54I've been on the weights, working on my abs,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56trying to get a bit of...definition.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58You've got too much definition already.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02And where is Mrs Khan? I need to find her.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Why? What's happened?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05- There's been a mix-up. - What kind of mix-up?
0:19:05 > 0:19:06There's been a mix-up with the messages.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08What kind of mix-up with the messages?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10There's been a mix-up with the messages on her mobile phone.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11What kind of mix-up with the messages on her mobile?
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Where is Mrs Khan?
0:19:13 > 0:19:15She's in a bums and tums taster.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19What? She can't taste bums and tums.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20What kind of place is this?!
0:19:20 > 0:19:23You should have let me manage your mobile phone.
0:19:23 > 0:19:28OK, sir, we have a system designed to minimise the inconvenience for yourself
0:19:28 > 0:19:31and enable a smooth and hassle-free transfer process.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Give me your pass so I can get in. - I don't think that's allowed.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Amjad. - They're really hot on security.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Amjad! - You can't be too careful.
0:19:39 > 0:19:40There's some right nutters about.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Amjad!
0:19:42 > 0:19:43OK.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Oh, my God. She's here. - Who?
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Nobody!
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Ahem.
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Is this the yoga class?
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Yes.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Are you the teacher?
0:20:19 > 0:20:20Yes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24(SHE MOUTHS)
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Um, are you an actual...guru?
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Yeah. Exactly.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- What happened to Nikesh? - Hmm?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34He usually takes us.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Er, well, there was an accident, you see, doing the yoga.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42You know, he tied himself in a knot and couldn't undo it.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45How do you want us to warm up?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47You know...the...
0:20:47 > 0:20:50the usual way, I think. This.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07It's probably a little bit different to how the other guy does it. You see,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10yoga is mainly an Indian invention.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12What I do is more like...
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Pakistani yoga.
0:21:14 > 0:21:15It's called...
0:21:17 > 0:21:18..."poga".
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Poga?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Exactly.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24So, come on. Let's get on with it.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Hai!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So, come on. Let's warm up, uh?
0:21:33 > 0:21:38Now, everybody lie down and close your eyes.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And breathe deeply.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44In...
0:21:44 > 0:21:45and out.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48In...
0:21:48 > 0:21:49and out.
0:21:49 > 0:21:50In...
0:21:51 > 0:21:53...and out.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54And in...
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Oh, twaddi. - (GASPING)
0:22:01 > 0:22:02...and out!
0:22:03 > 0:22:04OK.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Good.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Why don't you just follow me and do as I do?
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Howzat?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Pakistan!
0:22:36 > 0:22:41Zindabad!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- How are you getting on? - I love it here.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12We're going to fit right in, aren't we, budhoo?
0:23:12 > 0:23:13Yes...Shannon.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Good. Well, the vetting process is just a formality really.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21I'm sure your memberships will go through no problem.
0:23:21 > 0:23:22- All right, all right! - I cannot believe it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Calm down! I wasn't even looking for you.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I was trying to find the tasty bums.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30- Dad! - Hello, beti.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32What are you doing here? You said you weren't coming.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35I wasn't going to. And then I met this woman,
0:23:35 > 0:23:37and it all went a bit pear shaped.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Pear shaped? How rude.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Not you. You're more like two mangoes and a celery stick.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46- I don't believe this. - Is there a problem here?
0:23:46 > 0:23:49There certainly is. This man's not a yoga teacher.
0:23:49 > 0:23:50What?!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Well, it's a load of mumbo jumbo anyway.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Lying around on mats for hours.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Typical Indians. Lazy buggers!
0:23:59 > 0:24:00That's offensive.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03And what's worse is you hoity-toity English peoples falling for it.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Dad, don't ruin this for me.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Shazia, I'm not ruining anything. - How did you get in here?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13He gave me his pass.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16That's not really allowed. We have a very strict security policy.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Quite right. You can't be too careful these days.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20There's a lot of nutters about.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- Oh twaddi! - Oh, my God.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26That's him! That's the man who pushed me out of a window!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Stay away from me! I'm a married man!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Dad, what is going on?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Nothing. I've never met her before.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35He pushed me out of a window.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38OK. I met her on an internet dating site.
0:24:40 > 0:24:41I thought she was a man!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Dad?!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47But she was supposed to be Umar Gul.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Then she turned up at the mosque in a dress.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Umar Gul would never turn up at the mosque in a dress.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54He pushed me out of a window.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57OK. Then I pushed her out of a window.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58Why are you doing this?
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You don't understand. She likes Pakistani men.
0:25:03 > 0:25:04I'm having second thoughts.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Right. Time to leave.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08This is supposed to be an exclusive club.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10Don't worry, madam, I'll sort this out. Come on. This way.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12But I've got to get my phone.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I hope you're going to prosecute!
0:25:14 > 0:25:15You think you're going to meet Imran Khan
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and then you meet some weirdo in a cheap suit.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Hold on a minute! My dad is not a weirdo.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23He's a respectable middle-aged man.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25You can't treat him like a criminal.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Whatever he's done, there'll be a perfectly reasonable explanation.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31He pushed me out of a window.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32You probably deserved it!
0:25:32 > 0:25:33Ooh...
0:25:33 > 0:25:36And as for you, we won't be joining your gym after all.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38So you can stick your application form.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40And we don't live in Solihull.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44We live in Sparkhill, and my name's not Shannon. It's Shazia.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46And mine's Amjad!
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Come on, Dad. We're going.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50What about your mother?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Mum, we're going.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57I don't want to join this place after all.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Oh, thank God.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02(THUD)
0:26:09 > 0:26:13You know I never saw that woman in all my life before this afternoon.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I know.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19I only agreed to meet her because I thought she was a man.
0:26:19 > 0:26:20I know.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25And I would never watch the Downton Abbey with another woman.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26I know.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30You see what happens when you spend all your time on the internet?
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Yes, but the technology's not all that bad.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You can use it for good things too.
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Like what?
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Like a man sending his wife a text.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Why would you text me? Why not just say it?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Maybe it's the sort of thing you...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48can't say out loud!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- Oh wait. - Mm?
0:26:50 > 0:26:52What is it?
0:26:52 > 0:26:53I gave my phone to Shazia.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)
0:26:55 > 0:26:59SHAZIA: Oh, my God!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd