0:00:06 > 0:00:09Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16Community leader.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23They all know me... You like my suit?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35You buy wardrobe, then they want to charge for delivery.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37No! I got Mercedes.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40HUMS TO TUNE OF JANIS JOPLIN: Mercedes Benz
0:00:40 > 0:00:44# Oh, Allah has bought me a Mercedes-Benz
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# My friends all drive Datsuns
0:00:47 > 0:00:49# They are infidels
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# Tum te, tum tum tum
0:00:51 > 0:00:53# Tum tum... #
0:00:57 > 0:01:00"Fit screw 10 into slot D."
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Which is screw 10?
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oh, this is impossible!
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Why don't they give the bloody instructions in Urdu?
0:01:07 > 0:01:09We're not going to finish it.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10We have to finish it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12I've got to go to the mosque for my photoshoot in ten minutes.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14There's a photoshoot at the mosque?
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Yes, for the annual mosque magazine.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Are you in it? I'm in it every year.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27You see, the person who represents the mosque
0:01:27 > 0:01:30must be perfect embodiment of a Muslim man.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32I got big beard. Nice hat.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Classic suit.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Tradition never goes out of fashion, Amjad.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41You young people spend too much time on the Spacebook, Hotmails,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43watching videos on Boobtube.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48This is what it's really about.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50You want to feel it?
0:01:51 > 0:01:52No, thank you, sir.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55It's OK. You can touch it.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Feel my beard. Go on!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05What do you think? It's bushy, isn't it?
0:02:07 > 0:02:09It's very bushy, sir.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And I tell you something else. Beards are very popular now.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Did you know, one in five men in the UK has a beard?
0:02:16 > 0:02:18In Pakistan, it's double.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Even more if you include the womens.
0:02:23 > 0:02:24Come on, Mum!
0:02:24 > 0:02:26MRS KHAN: No, forget it. I look ridiculous.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Don't be silly. Let's have a look.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Wow.
0:02:33 > 0:02:34What do you think?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Mum, you look amazing.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Doesn't she? Yeah, you look great.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41Can I go out? No.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42I'll do your make-up later, OK?
0:02:42 > 0:02:46OK. But don't tell your father. I don't want him to know.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47I've got a big surprise planned.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Do you really think it looks good? Yes.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Oh!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59DRILL WHIRS
0:02:59 > 0:03:01AMJAD: It's nearly done, sir.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Right. It just needs to go upstairs on the landing.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05AMJAD: OK.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07DRILL WHIRS
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Stop!
0:03:08 > 0:03:09AMJAD: What is it, sir?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12It's the wrong one! What's wrong with it?
0:03:12 > 0:03:15It's made in bloody India, that's what!
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Ta-da!
0:03:19 > 0:03:21The wardrobe's got to go back.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22What about Mum?
0:03:22 > 0:03:24It's too late to take her back, sweetie.
0:03:26 > 0:03:27I mean, how does she look?
0:03:29 > 0:03:31She's got a new outfit. Oh, yes.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34What do you think? What does it look like?
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Like it was expensive.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Well, I think she looks great. You look like a cougar, Mum.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41A what? A cougar.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Because she's a browny-beige colour?
0:03:45 > 0:03:46No.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Because she got funny teeth?
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Because she's a sexy older lady.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Shazia, how dare you speak about your mother like that!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Show some respect!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01AMJAD: Hello?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I've screwed myself in!
0:04:04 > 0:04:05BANGS
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Help!
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Shazia!
0:04:09 > 0:04:12And she's having her hair done this afternoon, too.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15All this vanity's very unbecoming of Muslim peoples.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You should be more modest and humble.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Where are you going? To the mosque.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I'm going to be on front cover of magazine!
0:04:22 > 0:04:25MAN: Don't turn on any taps. They're not quite finished.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Who's that? Sajid. He's here to fix the boiler.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Sajid's here? Why didn't you say?!
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Salaam, Mr Khans.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35WOMEN: Waleikum assalam.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38Hey, Alia. How's college?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Great, thanks, Sajid.
0:04:40 > 0:04:41And Shazia? Job all good?
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Really good, thanks, Sajid.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Oh, my goodness.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Who is this vision of loveliness?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Where?
0:04:50 > 0:04:55Wow, Mrs Khan. You look more beautiful than ever.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56Hello, Sajid.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57New outfit? Yes.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Lovely. So where are you taking her, Mr Khan?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01What?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04You can't keep a magnificent creature like this shut up at home.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07What creature? Have we got mice?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12What's it to be? A romantic corner in your favourite bistro?
0:05:12 > 0:05:13Just a little dinner a deux?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Does anyone here speak English?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Well, anyway, the boiler's all fixed
0:05:18 > 0:05:21but I'll have to pop back later, make sure it's all running smoothly.
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Sorry for the inconvenience.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, it's all right. Don't be silly.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Yes, don't be silly, Sajid. You're always welcome here.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Unless you start charging.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Why can't you be more like Sajid?
0:05:34 > 0:05:39What you have to understand, sweetie, is that Sajid and I are very different.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I'm the quintessential Muslim man. Pakistani pin-up.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45Sajid is doing the ladies' talking,
0:05:45 > 0:05:46has funny stuff in his hair
0:05:46 > 0:05:49and he has a very small beard.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Not like a proper man at all.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55You're right, Mr K. I'm more your metrosexual kind of guy.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Don't worry. We welcome all sorts in this house.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I'm going to the mosque.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Oh, you couldn't give us a lift, could you?
0:06:03 > 0:06:07Oh. No car, Sajid? Dear, oh, dear.
0:06:07 > 0:06:08It's OK.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10I'll give you a ride in my Mercedes.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12That's what real men drive.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15MR KHAN GROANS
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Everything all right?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18I can't turn tap on!
0:06:24 > 0:06:28TUNE OF DURAN DURAN: Girls On Film # Khans on film, tum de tum tum
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# Khans on film, tum de tum tum. #
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Where is everyone?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Maybe they're all still at prayers.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Always some excuse.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40Now, I thought I'd do the photo from sitting behind the desk.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42YELLS
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Riaz!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. Waleikum assalam.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50What the hell are you doing down there?
0:06:50 > 0:06:53I was sleeping. The wife kicked me out.
0:06:54 > 0:06:55What? Why?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I don't know.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58It's a total mystery.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Well, she must have given you a reason.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, she said that I took her for granted,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06that the romance had gone,
0:07:06 > 0:07:08and that I'd let myself go physically.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Just doesn't make any sense.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25It's a mystery, all right.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I brought you your clean underwear and a toothbrush.
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Oh, great.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32You should try and talk to her, Riaz.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34With women it's all about communication.
0:07:34 > 0:07:39They need to talk about their feelings, and you need to listen.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Take an interest in them. Compliment them on how they look.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44Load of smushy-mushy nonsense!
0:07:44 > 0:07:47No, it's good advice.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51Back in Somalia, my wife used to say
0:07:51 > 0:07:56that communication is the key to a successful relationship.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57I didn't know you were married.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Not any more. I lost her.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Oh, I'm so sorry, mate.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Yes, that is sad. How did it happen?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Eaten by a lion?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06What?
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Or was it a hippopotamus?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11They're even more dangerous than lions, apparently.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13She's not dead.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14You said you lost her.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Yes, in the supermarket.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21She said that she wanted Marmite,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25and wandered off into Jams and Spreads.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26I never saw her again.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Salaam aleikum. Waleikum assalam.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Hello, Dave.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Where have you been? I've got to take the photo for the magazine!
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Thing is, Mr Khan, we're not actually doing the magazine this year.
0:08:38 > 0:08:39What?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I just thought it felt a bit old-fashioned,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44not in keeping with modern sensibilities.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47You see, this is just the kind of rubbish I've come to expect from you, Dave.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51It's not your fault. You gingers are different from us Pakistanis.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Surely we're all the same in God's eyes, Mr Khan.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56He only says that to make you feel better.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00We all know he has his favourites.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Right.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04We've got to do the magazine!
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Otherwise how would people know what we've been up to?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Well, I'm making a short promotional film instead
0:09:10 > 0:09:11about the mosque community centre.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Now, I thought we could put it on the internet and see what responses we get.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Good idea.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Now, I know it's not the sort of thing you approve of, but... What did you say?
0:09:20 > 0:09:21I said, "Good idea." Right.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25I'm all in favour, Dave. We got to embrace the modern technologies.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26We can't live in the past, can we?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28I must say, that's a very refreshing attitude.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Have you decided who's going to present it?
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Not yet. No. Now, I was hoping that we might try and get one of...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Come on, Dave. It's got to be me. Mr Khan, community leader.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43They all know me.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Thing is, Mr Khan, I was hoping to get across
0:09:46 > 0:09:48how modern and inclusive the mosque is.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50I'm modern and inclusive!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52We need to be seen to be welcoming to all.
0:09:52 > 0:09:53I'm very welcoming.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56Yoo-hoo! Mr Khan!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58Oh, God. Mrs Bilal.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You know, we must stop meeting like this.
0:10:00 > 0:10:01I agree.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04Can I tempt you with my jalebis?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06No!
0:10:06 > 0:10:07I'm busy. You have them.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I can't. I'm watching my figure.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Well, you're on your own there.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Maybe I could bring them to your house some time.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18No bloody way!
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Ahem!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24I mean...yes, of course.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27What? I'd love to see you at my house.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28Really?
0:10:28 > 0:10:31Absolutely. Come any time.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33But your wife. Won't she...?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Oh, she won't mind. More the merrier.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Oh! Mr Khan!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41See? Welcoming.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43Right.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44What about Sajid?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46What?
0:10:46 > 0:10:47He's good-looking like the George Clooneys.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49No, he isn't.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You might have something there. Wait a minute.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54No, Sajid's definitely got a nice open face. Fresh,
0:10:54 > 0:10:58modern, but mature enough to be authoritative.
0:10:58 > 0:10:59What are you talking about?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01I do like to take care of myself.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03I go to that new men's salon in Edgbaston.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You'd be perfect. The attractive, modern face of Islam. What do you say, Sajid?
0:11:06 > 0:11:07Er...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08There you are. He said no.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12It's easy. You just sit in front of the camera. We'll tell you what to say.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Stop bullying him, Dave.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16You can't force him to do something against his will.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18It's a free country, you know.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Please? You'd be great.
0:11:20 > 0:11:21I'd watch him.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Looks like we've found our star.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31You should be ashamed, Dave. Judging people by their looks!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33You're a typical bloody ginger!
0:11:38 > 0:11:41Wow, Mum. You look like a supermodel.
0:11:41 > 0:11:45It's wonderful. Um, what about...?
0:11:45 > 0:11:47We'll sort that out.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Thanks, beti. You're so good at this.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51What's all this about anyway?
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It's for my big surprise.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Today is a very special day for your father and me.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58I've got all our closest friends coming round later.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01He doesn't know anything about it.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02Oh, Mum, that's so sweet.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Oh, and some of the women are coming earlier. Can you do their makeovers, too?
0:12:05 > 0:12:08Of course. And Mrs Malik's coming as well.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11You're going to need more make-up.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13MR KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:12:14 > 0:12:17What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the mosque!
0:12:17 > 0:12:21Apparently, that tart Sajid is more modern and inclusive than me!
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Tell me honestly. Do I look old-fashioned to you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44You can't be here. Now, get out and don't come back until this evening.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Why? Because...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I'm making jalebis and I don't want you under my feet.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Jalebis? Jalebis.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You're making jalebis? I'm making jalebis.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56What are you making jalebis for? I can make jalebis if I want to. It's a free country.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59All right. Blimey. What am I supposed to do till then?
0:12:59 > 0:13:01You can pick me up from the hairdresser's later.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Oh, not more pimping and pumping!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08You're as bad as Dave's new best friend, Sajid.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Well, he's really good-looking, though, Dad. He's a hottie.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12No, he's not.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15He is, Papaji. He's well buff.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Anyone can look like that.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22It's all lotions and potions.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Even I could be a well-hot buff...
0:13:26 > 0:13:27...if I wanted to.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30Hmm...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Wow, this looks smart.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39It's great, this place.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Well, we've got to make sure our star's looking his best.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I think this is where all the young, trendy guys come.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48Salaam aleikum!
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Mr Khan!
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Hello, Dave.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52What are you doing here?
0:13:52 > 0:13:55I thought I'd pop in before I pick Mrs Khan up from the hairdresser's.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I always come here. I know everyone.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Would you like to choose your treatment, sir?
0:14:01 > 0:14:02Thanks...
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Salon.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09I must say, I'm surprised.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10I'm full of surprises, Dave.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Thank you, darling. You're welcome, sweetie.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23So...so you're a regular here? Of course!
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Get off me!
0:14:25 > 0:14:29It's a manicure, Mr Khan. Have you never had a manicure?
0:14:29 > 0:14:30Have I ever had a man do what?
0:14:32 > 0:14:33She's doing your nails.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I knew that. I'll do them later, eh?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39But don't paint them red, though. That always looks a bit tarty.
0:14:40 > 0:14:44So, what are you having done today, Mr K?
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Oh, well, you know. The usual, Sajid.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49What about you?
0:14:49 > 0:14:51I suppose I'll have the beard trim.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Yes. Me too.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I like to keep it really short. You know? Like designer stubble.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Yeah. Same here.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01CLIPPERS BUZZ
0:15:01 > 0:15:03Thank you. That's enough. Thank you.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09So, what else are you having?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11A bit of a haircut. Maybe a facial.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15I might get them to wax the back of my hands as well.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Really?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Yeah, you can get everything done here. Shoulders, underarms...
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh, yeah, I see.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24Dave, it says you can get your back done as well.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27And sack, too.
0:15:29 > 0:15:30What's that?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Something you sit on?
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Er, well...
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Like a beanbag?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Yes, I suppose it is.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40And crack, too.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45That's an Irish word, isn't it, Dave?
0:15:45 > 0:15:48It means "jolly good fun", doesn't it?
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I'm not sure in this case.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Come on, Dave.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54You gingers are supposed to know all about these Irish things.
0:15:54 > 0:15:59Actually, Mr Khan, it's a way of removing hair from your more intimate areas.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Oh, yes. Of course.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Well, it's all good Muslim practice.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08So, do you ever have it done?
0:16:08 > 0:16:12No. No. No, it can be a bit awkward having someone else do it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I've got a mole, you see?
0:16:15 > 0:16:18It's only a small thing, but it's a bit embarrassing.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Don't worry, Dave. It's no big deal.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23SHOUTS: You don't mind seeing his small thingy, do you?!
0:16:25 > 0:16:29You must get lots of people coming here with little things like that.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31I got one, too.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33But mine's really tiny.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Sometimes you can hardly see it at all.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37The other day I couldn't even find it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Right. I'll have the back, sack and crack, please.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47And make sure you don't miss anything.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52At these prices, I want to be as smooth as a little silky coin-purse.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58So, Sajid, are you having the back, sack, and crack?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00No, I don't really bother with all that.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05But surely, as a good Muslim, you shave your...downstairs.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08No, I don't really like it. It's too itchy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Oh. Really?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Did you hear that, Dave?
0:17:13 > 0:17:15What?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Sajid's dingly-danglies aren't halal!
0:17:20 > 0:17:24Maybe he's not such a great example of a modern Muslim man after all!
0:17:24 > 0:17:25I don't think you can say that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29Come on. He can hardly be the face of the mosque now.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30I mean, what will the imam say?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Well...
0:17:31 > 0:17:36Seriously, Dave, how can he star in your movie if his bits aren't shaved?
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Well, it's not really that sort of film, Mr Khan.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41You know what I mean.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44Mr Khan's right. Maybe I shouldn't be in the film. It wouldn't be right.
0:17:44 > 0:17:45There, you see?
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Are you sure, Sajid?
0:17:47 > 0:17:48Of course he's sure.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52Oh, OK. Well, I suppose we'll just have to find someone else.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Would you like to be in the film, Mr Khan?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Very well, Dave.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02I'll do it.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Only because I can see you're in a tight spot.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07I'd hate to see you let the mosque down.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09That's very good of you. I know.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12Oh, but what about Mrs Khan? Haven't you got to pick her up from the hairdresser's?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Oh, it's OK. Sajid can pick her up in your minibus.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15You don't mind, do you?
0:18:15 > 0:18:16Not at all.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Good boy. She likes you.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20She's a fine woman, Mrs Khan.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Right, we're ready for you now, sir.
0:18:24 > 0:18:26If you'd like to come through to the treatment room.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29You know...this waxing...
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Does it hurt?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32No. Not really.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36And Ken is very gentle.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Oh, good.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43The wax not too hot for you?
0:18:43 > 0:18:45No, it's actually quite nice.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Great.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48I'll just get Ken.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54Brace yourself.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55RIPPING
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Oh, twaddi!
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Oww...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13Right, well, I suppose we'd better get on with it, then.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Yes. Good. Lights, camera, action, isn't it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:16Are you OK?
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Yes, of course. I'm primed and ready to go.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I thought perhaps we could start with you sitting behind the desk.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24No.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26No? Sitting on the desk?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28No sitting, Dave. Only standing.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Walking?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Not really.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33Right, well, if you could just stand there, then.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35OK, Omar? Ready.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Mr Khan? I'm ready.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Finally, after all these years,
0:19:39 > 0:19:41I'm going to be broadcasting to the nation.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44This could be the start of something. Who knows where it might lead?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48You could be in demand all over the world.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Think of the travel opportunities.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Have you got itchy feet? I've got itchy something.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Although I'm not sure that Mrs Khan would be very happy with you being away a lot.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00That's true. Women don't like being left on their own.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You must watch out for the older woman with the younger man.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07It is very common these days. They call them cougars.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12My wife isn't a cougar. We don't have cougars in Pakistan.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14I used to think that about my wife.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16Then she started behaving strangely.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Getting her hair done. Buying new clothes.
0:20:19 > 0:20:20What?
0:20:20 > 0:20:24That is the first sign. They dress up for the new admirer.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26My wife doesn't have admirers.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I thought that, too,
0:20:28 > 0:20:31but it turned out to be some guy who came round to fix the boiler.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34The boiler?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37They used to meet up when I was at the mosque.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40She used to tell me she'd be making jalebis.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh, my God.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45And I got him to pick her up.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Are you all right, Mr Khan? I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52You look a bit pale. So do you.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Shall I start recording?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No. I've just got to pop home for a minute.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58But we're ready to go.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Yes, but I think I've left the back door open,
0:21:01 > 0:21:02and the bath running,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04and the gas on. What about the film?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09You're halal. You can do it!
0:21:21 > 0:21:24Hello. It's me! Mr Khan!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Mrs Khan's husband!
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Papaji, I thought you were making your film.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Never mind that. Have you seen your mother?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Yeah. Is she...alone?
0:21:33 > 0:21:35No. Hai!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37And you're not supposed to be here. I know.
0:21:37 > 0:21:38She doesn't want you around.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Oh, God. It's all my fault.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42What is?
0:21:42 > 0:21:45If only I'd been more like Sajid.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47If only I told her how I feel about her.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50We should have communicated more. I should have listened.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Why didn't I listen?!
0:21:52 > 0:21:54But, Papaji... Not now, beti.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57I've got to face up to this.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59She said she definitely didn't want anyone going in there.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01OK, that's it!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Tell me I'm not too late!
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I love you, my darling.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Don't make your jalebis with another.
0:22:17 > 0:22:21Let me be your little gulab jamun!
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Mr Khan!
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Mrs Malik! Dad!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29What are you doing?
0:22:29 > 0:22:30I could ask you the same question.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33We're doing makeovers. Hmm?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Shazia's doing makeovers on us.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Oh, thank God.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39What did you think? Nothing. Nothing at all.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40So what are you doing back here?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44I just came back to do some...
0:22:44 > 0:22:45communicating.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47What? What's the matter with you?
0:22:47 > 0:22:52Why don't we talk about your feelings? Have you got any?
0:22:53 > 0:22:54What?
0:22:54 > 0:22:56And compliments, too.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58All you ladies...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00You don't need makeovers.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02You look very nice as you are.
0:23:02 > 0:23:03Thank you.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04I wasn't talking to you.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08So...
0:23:08 > 0:23:11it's all completely innocent.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Very nice.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I don't know what I was worried about.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Right, so now you can go.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Yes. Fine. I'm going.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21I just need to get some...talcum powder first.
0:23:23 > 0:23:24You can't go upstairs.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26Oh, God.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28I knew it!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31No! Wait! What are you doing?
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Where is he? He must be here somewhere!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Have you gone mad? What are you talking about?!
0:23:40 > 0:23:41I know about Sajid.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Sajid? Boiler man Sajid?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Don't play games with me.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48THUD
0:23:48 > 0:23:50In our bedroom, of all places!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51You can't go in there.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Too late!
0:23:53 > 0:23:56WOMAN SHRIEKS
0:23:56 > 0:23:58SHRIEKS
0:23:59 > 0:24:00That wasn't Sajid!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Of course not.
0:24:02 > 0:24:03What the hell was it?!
0:24:03 > 0:24:05That was Mrs Younis.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07And who?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08No, that was all her.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12She's trying out support pants.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14So no Sajid?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16What's Sajid got to do with this?
0:24:16 > 0:24:18I thought...he was...
0:24:18 > 0:24:23They said at the mosque about the cougars and fixing the boiler
0:24:23 > 0:24:24and making jalebis.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Of course there's no-one else here.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29You silly man.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32COUGHS
0:24:34 > 0:24:36I swear I don't know who that is.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37I do!
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Right. I knew it. I knew it.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Come on out of there and fight like a man!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What are you doing? Stop it!
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Come on, you coward!
0:24:50 > 0:24:51SHRIEKS
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Dad, what's going on? Cover your ears.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02This is grown-up things.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05What? Shazia, he said it's grown-up things.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Mum?
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Your father's gone mad.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Brilliant.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Sometimes, beti, even when two people are married,
0:25:13 > 0:25:15they might do silly things with other people.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18But you mustn't just blame your mother.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I, too, must take some responsibility.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23But it's mostly her.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26What is? What is he talking about?
0:25:26 > 0:25:29There is no easy way of saying this, Shazia.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32Your mother...has...
0:25:32 > 0:25:33betrayed me!
0:25:33 > 0:25:35What? With who?
0:25:37 > 0:25:38With a wardrobe?
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Not with a wardrobe!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43With who's in the wardrobe!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Who is it? Ask your mother.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46I don't know.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's Sajid! Sajid?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Yes, Sajid!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Sajid's in the wardrobe?
0:25:50 > 0:25:52That's right. Sajid!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Sajid? Sajid!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57That's my name. Don't wear it out.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03I said I'd pop back and check on the boiler. Is this a bad time?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05But...
0:26:05 > 0:26:06if you...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09...then who's in...?
0:26:09 > 0:26:11BANGING Yoo-hoo!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13You found me.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21Mr Khan... I think you squashed my jalebis.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Well?!
0:26:31 > 0:26:34You must have some explanation.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36What was I supposed to think?
0:26:36 > 0:26:42You had makeover and new hairdo and new outfit.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43Who's that for, eh?
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Us. It was for us.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Eh?
0:26:46 > 0:26:48I wanted to have a special evening.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It was meant to be a surprise.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But it's not my birthday. I know.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55And it's not your birthday. I know.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, God. It's not our anniversary, is it?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59No.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's just...
0:27:01 > 0:27:05don't you realise that it's exactly 30 years
0:27:05 > 0:27:06since I first set eyes on you?
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Is it?
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Haan.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12It was on the bus that time, remember?
0:27:12 > 0:27:14I was on my way back to my father's village.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Of course.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17It was packed.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Standing room only.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21And I let you sit in my place.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23And the road was full of holes,
0:27:23 > 0:27:25and then we went over a really big bump
0:27:25 > 0:27:27and you fell right on top of me.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31But it wasn't that bad sitting on the roof, though, was it?
0:27:33 > 0:27:36No. It was fun.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Until you fell off halfway to Gujranwala.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41We were so young.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45You were the prettiest thing I'd ever seen.
0:27:49 > 0:27:54And I wanted to try and look a little bit like I did all those years ago.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56But you do.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Whenever I look at you,
0:27:59 > 0:28:01all I see
0:28:01 > 0:28:04is that beautiful young girl from the bus.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08You're such a smoothie.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11I am now.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd