0:00:05 > 0:00:07Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
0:00:07 > 0:00:09the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16They all know me.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17You like my suit?
0:00:19 > 0:00:21Number one - Citizen Khan.
0:00:23 > 0:00:24Where's Dad?
0:00:24 > 0:00:26He's got a meeting with the council.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28Something about electing a new town official?
0:00:28 > 0:00:31BELL RINGS
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Residents of the Khan household...
0:00:42 > 0:00:46let it be known far and wide that on this day
0:00:46 > 0:00:48the downstairs toilet is partially blocked!
0:00:50 > 0:00:54Number ones only in there now, please!
0:00:54 > 0:00:55Dad?
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Let it also be known that I, Mr Khan,
0:00:58 > 0:01:01am going to be Birmingham's new town crier!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03If I can get the mayor and the council lot to agree.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05God save the Queen!
0:01:05 > 0:01:07Allahu akbar!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10HE HAWKS
0:01:10 > 0:01:11What are you doing?
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Good, eh?
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Imagine - your father, Mr Khan, community leader
0:01:16 > 0:01:18and Birmingham's new town crier!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Like a proper Pakistani - two jobs.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Can you have a Pakistani town crier?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Of course, Birmingham's a Pakistani town!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29I think it's a great idea, Papaji.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Thank you, Alia. Now, I just need to persuade the mayor.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I'm hoping to catch his eye at the council meeting later.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I think he'll probably notice you!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39This council thing could lead on to bigger
0:01:39 > 0:01:41and better things for you, Papaji.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44The last town crier is now the Sheriff of Birmingham!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Ooh, I hate him. He's a baddie.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48He tried to cancel Christmas!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52That's the Sheriff of Nottingham.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Oh, yes. I have got so much to learn.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Maybe start with the alphabet?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Right, I'm off to the town hall.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Dad! Before Mum went to Bradford, you promised her you'd take us
0:02:03 > 0:02:05all to Farley Manor!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Amjad's got his tour guide induction today.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10He can catch the bus. And Alia has to go for her college project.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13She can catch up. And Naani's been looking forward to it for ages.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14She can get stu...
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Dad!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Shazia, what is the point in your mother being away
0:02:18 > 0:02:22if I'm going to have her Mini-Me in my lughole instead?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Fine, I'll call Mum and see what she has to say about it...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27OK, OK, OK!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37OK, Naani? All set? Ha?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Does this place have Wi-Fi?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Farley Manor is one of the oldest houses in the Midlands.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Parts of it date back to the Jacobean times.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Yeah, I know that. I'm doing a project on it.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51What I'm asking is, did they have Wi-Fi in Jacobean times?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Oh...
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Right, we're going to need these.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Dad, Mum's taken Baby Mo with her to Bradford for the weekend.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04She's showing him off to all the Bradford aunties.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I know. Thank God he's had his tetanus jabs.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10So we won't need those, will we?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12They are for Naani.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Your mother said to make sure she doesn't get dehydrated.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18And the reins? In case she gets lost.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Like the time she wandered off in Madame Tussauds.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25She was there for two days before they realised she wasn't ET.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Phone home, phone home!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Come on, easy, come on...
0:03:33 > 0:03:36HE CLICKS TEETH Easy, easy...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Dad, she's not a horse. Are you, Naani?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Neigh.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45Are you excited about today, Naanijaan?
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Ha. I want to see the India collection.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49The what?
0:03:49 > 0:03:52It's a collection of India's most interesting and beautiful objects.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Where do they keep that? In a matchbox?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58There might be something there about Naani's father.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You know, she hardly knew him. He died when I was a little girl.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Apparently, he used to work for Lord Anstruther's
0:04:04 > 0:04:06father in India during the Raj.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Oh, what did he do?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10He helped on the big tiger shoots they used to have back then.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11Oh, was he the guide?
0:04:11 > 0:04:13No.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14He was the bait.
0:04:17 > 0:04:23All I remember is a gentle man, with a warm smile and kind eyes...
0:04:23 > 0:04:24and only one arm.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Wouldn't it be great if we could find some record of him
0:04:29 > 0:04:32at Farley Manor? Something to remind you of him.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Like what? A tiger with indigestion?
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Dad! Come on, let's go.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Right.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44HE SIGHS
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Ah...
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Ha-ha!
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Ah, here we are!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56The car park's that way. Oh, no, I know what I'm doing.
0:04:56 > 0:04:57MAN SHOUTS: Oi! Oi!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Dad, you can't park in front of the house!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03It's what we do at home, it's fine, Shazia.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Here we go. You can't park here, sir.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Yes, whatever, I'm a community leader, thank you!
0:05:11 > 0:05:13You'll have to move your car, I'm sorry.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15KHAN HAWKS
0:05:17 > 0:05:19This is great!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Have you got everything, budhoo?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Yup. All prepared.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I'm going to write down detailed notes of everything
0:05:27 > 0:05:31the tour guide says. You might want a pencil.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32Oh, no!
0:05:34 > 0:05:35How long is this tour going to take?
0:05:35 > 0:05:39If we stay too long they might mistake Naani for an exhibit.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40It won't be long.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I can't hang around Downton Abbaaay with these losers all day.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47The council's meeting in an hour...
0:05:47 > 0:05:51MAN: OK, my "Sunny Hill" ladies, let's stay together.
0:05:52 > 0:05:53Hiya!
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Oh, isn't it great in here? I love history!
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You've brought enough of it.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06We're doing the gardens first and then the India Collection.
0:06:06 > 0:06:07Are you Indian?
0:06:07 > 0:06:10Certainly not! I'm totally different.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11I'm Pakistani.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14That's near enough! You're practically an expert!
0:06:14 > 0:06:16ALL: Oh...!
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I'll tell you about India. It's a dump!
0:06:20 > 0:06:22There, that's all you need to know.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Come on, then, ladies, let's go and see the maze!
0:06:25 > 0:06:29It's supposed to be a-maze-ing!
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Hello, everyone!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Would you like to gather round for the tour of the house?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38My name is Virginia Stewart.
0:06:38 > 0:06:43Let me start by welcoming you all to Farley Manor.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Mr Khan. Community leader. They all know me.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Are you here for the tour?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49No. He is.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51My husband's doing a shadowing day -
0:06:51 > 0:06:53he's applying to be a tour guide like you!
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Well, you'd better take your pass and follow me.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Right, I'm off to see the mayor. Dad! How are we going to get home?
0:07:00 > 0:07:02You promised Mum you'd look after Naani.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Shazia, I've promised your mother many things over the years,
0:07:05 > 0:07:07I can't remember all of them! Dad...
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Right, fine! I'll wait in there. Just hurry up! Huh!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13I'm afraid you'll have to wait elsewhere.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16They'll be setting up in there for the gala dinner tonight.
0:07:16 > 0:07:17Setting up for the what? When?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18The gala dinner.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21To celebrate the opening of the manor to the public.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23All the city council are coming. Even the mayor!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Maybe I'll come with you after all, huh? Help control the riffraff.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33Righto. Are we ready to start?
0:07:33 > 0:07:38Righto! Let's go, everyone, come on, listen to Miss Vaginia!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40OK, we're good to go.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55And here we have the largest of our staterooms,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58which houses the India Collection....
0:07:58 > 0:07:59ALL: Oooh!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Very good, very good.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09The collection was started in 1790 by the second Lord Anstruther,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13who was C in C of the 6th Madras Light Cavalry...
0:08:13 > 0:08:19Oh, isn't this marvellous, uh? "I love India, yaa, ya, ya."
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Really?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Oh, what do have we here?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25No, you mustn't touch the exhibits...
0:08:25 > 0:08:27This must be Gandhi's rice bowl, uh?
0:08:29 > 0:08:31He was always on hunger strike.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32That's why it's so clean!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Don't write that down.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Mr Khan, please...
0:08:38 > 0:08:43Hey, listen, Virginity... This Birmingham Gala Dinner,
0:08:43 > 0:08:46you can't have a dinner without inviting an
0:08:46 > 0:08:48upstanding member of the Pakistani community.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50So, come on, how much?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52?5? ?7.50 - put me next to the mayor.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I don't really deal with social events...
0:08:55 > 0:08:58My grandmother wants to know if there's any record of her father here.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01What? He used to work for the Anstruthers on the tiger hunts.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Maybe there's a photo in the collection?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05I very much doubt it.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08The photographs are only of the important people.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11So, you're saying my great-grandfather's not important?
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Yes.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I mean, not in that way...
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Eldest daughter. Just ignore her, that's what I do.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21How did they get all this stuff, anyway?
0:09:21 > 0:09:24Lord Anstruther's ancestors ACQUIRED it during their time in India.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Stole it, you mean.
0:09:26 > 0:09:30Ladoo! Lord Anstruther's relations weren't thieves.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Or were they?
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Certainly not.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Does anyone else have a question?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Ah, Alia - good daughter.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40This one's very clever. Always studying.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42She loves her history and so forth.
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yes?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45There's no Wi-Fi in here.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47No.
0:09:47 > 0:09:48What, not anywhere?
0:09:48 > 0:09:54I`I think there might be free Wi-Fi in the cafe and gift shop area, but...
0:09:54 > 0:09:56Probably going to do her homework.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57HE HAWKS
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Maybe you should go as well, ladoo?
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Fine.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Bye-bye.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Sorry about all this, Lady Virgin.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Please, don't mention it to the Lordliness when you see him, huh?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Perhaps we should move on.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Good idea!
0:10:13 > 0:10:15This way, everybody...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Come on, jala, jala. Jala, jala, come on, come on.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19SHE SHOUTS
0:10:19 > 0:10:21What? What is it? Toilet.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Couldn't you have gone before?
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Can't you hold it until the end?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Nah. Right. Come on.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33HE HAWKS
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Oh!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Oh, twaddi, I think this is where the lord lives.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Oh, quickly! No.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45All right, maybe there's a toilet in here.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47MAN SNORES
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Hai!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Shhhh! Just leave the tea on the table, Dorothy.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE: Very good, your Lordliness.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58HE HAWKS
0:11:00 > 0:11:02You're not Dorothy.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06No. Nor is she.
0:11:06 > 0:11:07No.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Who are you, then? And what are you doing in my private apartments?
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Mr Khan, community leader, your Lordfulness.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15So sorry to barge in on you.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19I was just looking for somewhere for my mother-in-law to perform her evacuations.
0:11:21 > 0:11:22Oh, I see.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Well, then, you'll need to go back out
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and right to the very end of the corridor,
0:11:27 > 0:11:29and then down some stairs... SHE GROANS
0:11:29 > 0:11:30She is quite desperate.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Oh, well, in that case, there's one just through there.
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Juldi kara, go on.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38HE CLEARS THROAT
0:11:43 > 0:11:46HE HAWKS
0:11:50 > 0:11:52HAWKS LOUDER
0:11:55 > 0:11:57How do you like the house?
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Oh, it's very nice. I particularly enjoyed the Pakistani room.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Eh? Oh, you mean the India Collection.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05You say potato, I say aloo gobi!
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Quite. We're very proud of it,
0:12:09 > 0:12:12of course, we keep all the best stuff in here, out of harm's way!
0:12:12 > 0:12:16Good idea. I do the same thing in my house. Oh, really?
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Oh, yes. I hide all the custard creamies in my sock drawer.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Here, have a look at this.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Hang on, that looks like a lota.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29We use that to wash our buttocks!
0:12:29 > 0:12:33Exactly right. It's a water vessel used for personal cleansing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35What do you think?
0:12:35 > 0:12:38You want me to take it in for her?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41There's really no need, she's fine with paper these days.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43No, no, no. What I mean is -
0:12:43 > 0:12:46you'd never guess that this little pot was the most
0:12:46 > 0:12:47valuable item in the house, would you?
0:12:47 > 0:12:51It used to belong to the great Shah Jahan himself.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Vah! Really?!
0:12:54 > 0:12:59Imagine the famous bottoms this has seen over the centuries!
0:12:59 > 0:13:00Do be careful with it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Don't worry, I've seen them
0:13:02 > 0:13:04do this on the Antiques Roadshow with Fiona Brucie!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10There we are. Thank you.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13All safe and sound.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14CLANG
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Noooo!
0:13:23 > 0:13:30I got it!
0:13:30 > 0:13:32I got it. Thank goodness!
0:13:32 > 0:13:33Lucky I was here, huh?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Yes.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39There's no need to thank me.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Oh, right.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44I mean, if there's anything I can do...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Invite me to the gala dinner tonight?! Sorry?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50Invite me to the gala dinner. Put me next to the mayor.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I want him to make me town crier. Really?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Oh, yes, if we Muslims can do call to prayer,
0:13:54 > 0:13:57we can do call to car-boot sale, too!
0:13:57 > 0:13:58I see.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Well, I suppose it might be appropriate to have an
0:14:01 > 0:14:02"authentic" presence.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05A real taste of the old Punjab!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Exactly. Show that you're "down with the brown"!
0:14:10 > 0:14:12That's very good!
0:14:12 > 0:14:14There's plenty more where that came from!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Then, I'll add your name to the guest list.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Oh, excellent!
0:14:18 > 0:14:20K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22Jolly good.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24All better?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28I will see you later, won't I?
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm looking forward to it.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33What do you say to his Lordfulshipness?
0:14:33 > 0:14:34Thank you.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36You're very welcome.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42She says, "I'd give it five minutes, if I were you."
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Virginia said I did really well. I might even get the job.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Well done, budhoo. Baby Mo will be so proud.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Guess who is going to the gala dinner tonight?!
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Wait, I know this...
0:15:03 > 0:15:08It's me! I got a personal invitation from the Lord Anstruther himself!
0:15:08 > 0:15:09What do you think of that?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13That's amazing, Papaji! You're so aristocratic and that!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Thank you, beti! Can I come?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16Unfortunately not.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19So, come on, let's get you home, so I can grab my crier clappers
0:15:19 > 0:15:22and bell ends and be back here in time for the big shindig!
0:15:22 > 0:15:26Such a shame we didn't find anything out about Naani's father.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29It would have been fantastic to get her something to remember him by.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32I'll get her something from here. Anything she wants.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34As long as it's no more than 99p.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36See anything you like?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Nay.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Oh... How about some soap?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44What's going on?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Eh? What have you got in your bag?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Nothing. Let me see.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51Nay. Go on.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Nay!
0:15:52 > 0:15:54Dad! Shazia, you can't be too careful.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Remember the incident with the packet of dusters?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I still can't show my face in Robert Dyas.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Give it to me! Let's see what you've got in it this time.
0:16:05 > 0:16:06Hai!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08What's that?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10It looked like a lota.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14It is a lota. It's Lord Anstruther's prize bum washer!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17Oh, no! How did she get that?
0:16:17 > 0:16:20She's stolen it from his private apartments!
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Brilliant!
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Naani, you can't take things that don't belong to you.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Does belong to me. What?
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Was in my family for generations. British stole it.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Rubbish. Why would the British want something covered in 200 years
0:16:33 > 0:16:35of your family's botty backwash?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40She's taking back what's rightfully hers.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43This is like Sparkhill's Elgin Marbles!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Lost her marbles, more like.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47It's not hers!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51It is! My grandfather told me about it.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He described it to me exactly.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55And did he say it was made in the 16th century
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and inlaid with jade and precious stones?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Oh, my mistake.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03What are we going to do?
0:17:03 > 0:17:04We'll just have to turn her in.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07You get a reduced sentence if you confess.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Naani can't go to prison!
0:17:09 > 0:17:13Don't worry, Alia. She'll get her own room and three meals a day.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16It's like a retirement home but with fewer day trips.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Why don't we just leave it on the side somewhere?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23They'll still know who took it.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Fingerprints, you see.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Ha! And it's covered in yours.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30What?
0:17:30 > 0:17:31No gala dinner for you.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Right, I'll just have to put it back before anyone notices.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Amjad, I'll need your help. I was going to get the novelty soap.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Amjad, just come on!
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Right, follow me.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Why do I have to come, sir? I need your pass to get in.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50Oh, no...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Amjad, you want to be in the Guides, don't you?
0:17:53 > 0:17:54What?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Tour guide - show me round!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Sorry, sir, this part of the house is restricted.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You can't come in here without an official tour guide.
0:18:02 > 0:18:03I've got one.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06Amjad...
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Very good, sir. Hiya!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Thank goodness we caught you. I thought we'd missed the tour!
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Oh, twaddi!
0:18:24 > 0:18:25Come on...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Hurry up, choppity chop.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Is this the India Collection, then? No.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Oh, only, we really wanted to see the India Collection.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37Didn't we, ladies?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39ALL: Yes. We did. That's why we came...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42Shhhh! It's a special bit of the India Collection
0:18:42 > 0:18:45in Lord Anstruther's private apartments.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Ooh! Are we in the private apartments?
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Yes.
0:18:49 > 0:18:50ALL CHATTER
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Chupah!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Does he not know we're in here?
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Yes, of course he does.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57Then, why do we have to be quiet?
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Because...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Because of the animals.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03What animals?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Tigers! ALL: Tigers!
0:19:05 > 0:19:08No! Forget the tigers. There's no tigers.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13OK? Now, everyone just stay here and be quiet. Hm?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16OK...
0:19:19 > 0:19:21What about the lota?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27What? Isn't there supposed to be a lota?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29That belonged to the Shah Jahan?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32The most valuable thing in the collection?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Is there?
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Yes. Perhaps our guide knows where it is?
0:19:37 > 0:19:38I never touched it!
0:19:40 > 0:19:41Pardon?
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Nothing.
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Amjad, why don't you tell all the nice ladies about the interesting artefacts, uh?
0:19:47 > 0:19:50What? While I do the other thing.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52Oh, yes.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56Could you tell us anything about the history of the collection?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Not really.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Right, why don't we go over here?
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Here we have a very interesting thing.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09A suit of armour.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Yes. A suit of armour.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16You got one armour there, and one armour here.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Why don't we look at some other stuff?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Oh. Oh, look.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Here we have a china doggy thing.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31And a goldy clocky thing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34And a silver boxy thing...
0:20:34 > 0:20:36We really wanted to see the lota.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38Well, you can't. Why can't we?
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Why can't they?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43The zip's stuck!
0:20:43 > 0:20:47It must be here somewhere. Where would you keep a lota?
0:20:47 > 0:20:49In the toilet?
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Brilliant! What?
0:20:51 > 0:20:52They keep it in the toilet.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57Alongside the Shan Jahan's favourite can of lavender air freshener.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58Come on, then, ladies.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Come on...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02That's it.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Right, give it to me.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Come on, come on...!
0:21:09 > 0:21:12VOICES APPROACH Sir, someone's coming!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Oh... I think they went this way.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18This will do.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21No, sir! I'm sorry!
0:21:21 > 0:21:22For the bag, you idiot.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28KHAN GRUNTS
0:21:31 > 0:21:33Oh!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38There we are. Easy peasy.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I can't see the lota in here.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Amjad.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Oh!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Right. Right...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56CLATTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:07SMASH
0:22:09 > 0:22:11What on earth is going on?!
0:22:12 > 0:22:14(Clumsy.)
0:22:24 > 0:22:26I'm sorry you've had your day ruined, ladies.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30We had no idea. They said they were the official tour guides.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Just one guide.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Well, I'm actually just a trainee.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Not any more. You mean, I've passed?
0:22:38 > 0:22:39Hardly.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Oh.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Come on, ladies, if we're quick we can still catch the
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Afghan rug exhibition at the Black Country Museum.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49What's going on, budhoo?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51You all need to leave. Immediately.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52What? Why?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54I scarcely know where to begin.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Let me help you.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59You lot need to clear off before you embarrass me in front of the mayor.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01You have to leave as well.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Not me!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06I'm going to be rubbing the elbows at the gala dinner tonight!
0:23:06 > 0:23:08You seriously expect me to believe that?
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Hello, what's all this?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Oh, nothing, Your Lordship. These people were just leaving.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Ah, Khan! There you are.
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Hello, lordy lordy!
0:23:18 > 0:23:20I do like your Scottish man dress.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Yes, well, my family were originally Scottish.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Then, we have a lot in common.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Hmm? Well, I'm an immigrant, too!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Oh, quite.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Well, the dinner guests will be arriving any minute.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Oh, spliffing news, Your Worship.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36And I've put you between the mayor and Noddy Holder.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Perfect!
0:23:38 > 0:23:41This man is a fraudster and a vandal. Mr Khan?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43I don't know what she's talking about
0:23:43 > 0:23:45He impersonated a tour guide...
0:23:45 > 0:23:46That was him.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Then he snuck into your private apartments and wreaked havoc!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51What? Only because she stole the lota! Dad!
0:23:51 > 0:23:53But it's true! Khan...?
0:23:53 > 0:23:57Let me explain. There was a little bit of a hullabaloo...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59But now it's all tickety-boo...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02What about the lota...?
0:24:02 > 0:24:06Don't worry. Your prized bum washer is back where it belongs.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Well done, again, Khan, old boy.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Dad, are you just going to abandon us?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Shazia. Let's think about this.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Go home with you or stay here and rub my elbow on some big nobs?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Come on, old boy.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Why don't I give you a quick preprandial in the billiard room?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31OK, but can we have a drink first?
0:24:31 > 0:24:33ANSTRUTHER CHUCKLES
0:24:33 > 0:24:35Off you go, then.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38Don't worry, we're going. We don't want to stay here anyway.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41This house was built on cultural oppression
0:24:41 > 0:24:44and the exploitation of thousands of innocent people!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Yeah. And your Wi-Fi's rubbish. Just a moment.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Oi! What are you doing?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I want to make sure she hasn't got anything else.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53How dare you! Leave her alone!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56You can't do that! Step back, please, sir.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00Papaji! Take your hands off the bag!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06I was talking to you.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11Is everything all right, Khan, old chap?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I'm afraid not, even older chap.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16This woman has been looking down her nose at us from the start.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Oh, I know, she's frightful, isn't she?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19What?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So, I'm sorry, lord of the manners, I can't come to your gala din-dins tonight.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26We Khans have to stick together.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, are you sure I can't persuade you to stay?
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Because Noddy is going to be so disappointed.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37No. I'm sorry. It may be a gala dinner full of important
0:25:37 > 0:25:40and powerful people, but my family needs me.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44And I'd rather be with them than with the best people in the world.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56I wanted to be a good father to Baby Mo, show that I'm clever.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Maybe I should buy a book on it?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02Good idea, you can get him to read it to you.
0:26:04 > 0:26:07You're already a good father, budhoo.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10You love him and you'll always be there for him.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13That's all he needs. That's true.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I wish my father had been there for me.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21Here.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Eh?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27It's an old photo. It's all black-and-white and that.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Lord Anstruther gave it to me.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32It looks like one of those old tiger hunts.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Ha. And look there.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39The man - standing to the side, with his arm crossed.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Is that Naani's dad?!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Papaji!
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, my God!
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Oh, my hero!
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Please. It was nothing.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Not you.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57My daddy.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01I'm really proud of you, Dad, you did the right thing.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Lord Anstruther will respect you for putting family first.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09And there will be other chances for you to be town crier.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12You know what, Shazia, you're right.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Now we're chummy chummy, I'll do the chitty chatty with the lordy lordy.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19And he'll have a wordy wordy with the mayor,
0:27:19 > 0:27:24and he'll invite us both over for a garibaldi and a nice cup of tea!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I don't think so, Papaji.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Why not?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Naani nicked his teapot.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Heh!
0:27:33 > 0:27:38Oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi, oh, twaddi!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40CRASH
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# There's nothing you can do that can't be done
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# It's easy