0:00:03 > 0:00:05Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham,
0:00:05 > 0:00:08the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15They all know me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17Do you like my suit?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18Number one...
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Salaam aleikum, peeps!
0:00:23 > 0:00:26Welcome to my vlog - "Alia need to know".
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I'm getting some professional photos done later, so I thought
0:00:29 > 0:00:32it would be a good chance to post a quick make-up tutorial as well.
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Hello, beti!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Oh, hi, Papaji.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39Are you laying another log?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42I'm posting a vlog.
0:00:42 > 0:00:43Exactly.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46It's about being a good Muslim and going to the mosque
0:00:46 > 0:00:50and respecting your parents, especially your father.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Such a good girl. Right, I'm off to the bathroom.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56- Make sure no-one disturbs me, eh? - Yes, Papaji.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04So, I like to use this brush to put on my eye make-up.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I start by putting a bit on the brush, then carefully...
0:01:07 > 0:01:09LOUD THROAT CLEARING COMING FROM BATHROOM
0:01:12 > 0:01:14So you start from the side...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16MORE LOUD THROAT CLEARING
0:01:18 > 0:01:20So, you start...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22EXTENDED THROAT CLEARING
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Ah! That's got it.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28Listen, don't take long getting ready.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31We need to make sure we get the family photo over quickly.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34I want to get a load of pictures of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Er, don't think so. I'm going to get some head shots done,
0:01:37 > 0:01:39for, like, if I want to be a model and that.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Well, that's not happening. - Yes, it is.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- I've arranged it with Mum.- Papaji!
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot to get loads of pictures of herself.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Good idea. We can't get enough pictures of the beautiful daughter.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Thanks, Papaji.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01But I want to get some of just me, Amjad and Baby Mo.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05All lying on the floor, in a line, with our legs in the air.
0:02:05 > 0:02:06I think it'd look nice.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10I think you'd look like chickens in a halal butcher's window.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20I need a strong, young man to help me.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I need a strong, young man to help me.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- I can help you. - No, you can't.- Why not?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30- You've got a bad back.- Yes, but...
0:02:30 > 0:02:34And a bad knee and arthritis in your elbow.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I'm still pretty fit, though.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Haan, it's true, he is.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40You see - Naani thinks I'm fit.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Oh, sorry, I thought you said fat.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Ah, here he is.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Hello, sir.- Hello, Amjad.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51Vah! Look at those muscles! How do you get so strong, beta?
0:02:51 > 0:02:53I do a lot of weights in the gym.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Plus, diet is important. I eat a lot of bananas.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00I'm just as strong as he is.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Beta, can you help me move this screen?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04Where shall I put this?
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Here, give it to me.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Hai!
0:03:07 > 0:03:09What is it?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11My back's gone again! It's locked!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Amjad, help him.- OK.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Be careful!
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Don't worry, sir. Community Support Officers are trained in first aid.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Just try and relax.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- OK, after three.- OK.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24- Three!- Aargh!
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Aaaargh!
0:03:26 > 0:03:28- Are you OK, sir?- I'm fine!
0:03:28 > 0:03:31What the flippin' twaddi's in this thing, anyway?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's for our family photos.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34I took a few things from the loft
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and I borrowed this from the community centre.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Naani wants the photos taken
0:03:38 > 0:03:41and we're going to have them done properly in a studio this time.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43But I'm the man of the house, I always take the family photos.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Yeah, but we want them to look nice.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I took all the ones for Naani's 70th birthday.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And she wasn't in any of them.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I know. Perfect!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57He looks like an old man!
0:03:57 > 0:04:00You two look like an advert for Pakistani PG Tips!
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- Hiya.- Hello, beti.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06That's not for the photo, is it?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Haan, what do you think?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I thought we were going to have an all-white background.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Make it look clean and modern.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15We don't want that pile of dusty old tat in it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I agree, but she is your grandmother.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Where is my beautiful grandson?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24He's asleep in his pram in the hall.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Please don't wake him up. He's been so grumpy lately.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29We can't even get him to smile at the moment.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Every time I say anything, he just growls.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34I know how he feels.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Maybe he's teething.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38It's often painful when they get new teeth, isn't it?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Ah, I remember when Naani got her new ones.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42She left them out on the bathroom floor.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Almost bit my bloomin' toe off!
0:04:44 > 0:04:48- Do you think he'll smile for the photo?- I hope so.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51It's going to be so nice!
0:04:51 > 0:04:56We haven't had a proper family photo with us and Naani and Baby Mo.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58Four generations all together.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01And who knows when we'll get another chance?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Some of us are getting on a bit.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Oh, right.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08Not me!
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Oh, I must get Amjad to put this blind up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22I said I would do it.
0:05:22 > 0:05:23That was four months ago
0:05:23 > 0:05:26I'm a busy man.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30HE SLURPS
0:05:30 > 0:05:32Ahh!
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Beti, what's that?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It's from the council, for Baby Mo's school.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40We're putting his name down for Woodfield School in Edgbaston.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41But he's only nine months old.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43You have to get their names down early, Mum.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45It's the best school in Birmingham.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Excellent. They've got a very good cricket team.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49He'll end up playing for England!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51I thought you wanted him to play for Pakistan.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54Beti! The England team will all BE Pakistani by then.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58So, will he get in?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00I don't know. They've got a huge waiting list.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- And we're not even in the catchment area.- Then move.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05We can't afford to move to Edgbaston.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Then lie. Cheat. Steal someone else's place.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10This is what responsible parents do.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- Dad!- Chup! You don't understand. This is how the world works.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17Leave it to me. I'll sort it out.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20No. I don't want you getting involved.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23If you try and cheat, they'll find out and then he'll never get in.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Everyone cheats. It's just, we Pakistanis do it better.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31- Please, Dad, don't.... - Chup! I'm the king of this castle.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Just stay out of it. It's got nothing to do with you.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36Why doesn't anyone let me do anything around here?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39I'll get Amjad to put the form in and we'll keep our fingers crossed.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43Haan, Amjad will do it, just like he's going to sort out my blind.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Amjad!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46MOCKINGLY: Amjad! Amjad!
0:06:46 > 0:06:48I said I would do it!
0:06:50 > 0:06:53What are you doing? Get down.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Stop fussing.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- Dad!- Be careful!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Take the nets down.- Chup!
0:07:00 > 0:07:01Ahh!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Oh, God. OK, it's OK, don't worry.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05HE MUTTERS
0:07:05 > 0:07:07There we go. Look, that's it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Now, this side...
0:07:09 > 0:07:10CRACKING Hai!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Mera back!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Oh, no! Amjad!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16What? No-o-o-o!
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Oh, my God!
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Did you want me for something?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23It's OK. Dad's sorted it.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Mrs Khan made me get this from the community centre
0:07:36 > 0:07:39and now Shazia's making me take it back to the community centre.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42I don't know why we have to go to all this trouble
0:07:42 > 0:07:43just for a photo, sir.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45Because it's for our wives, Amjad.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47We married men have to support our wives
0:07:47 > 0:07:49in all their hopes and aspirations.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- If not...- They'll feel emotionally unfulfilled?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55They'll be like a foghorn in your ear till the day you die.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You've gathered so much wisdom in your long life, sir.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00It's not that long.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- You're such a great role model for younger people.- That's true.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Like I always say - if you do as I do, you won't go far wrong.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- BOTH:- Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. - Waleikum assalam, Riaz.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Hello, Dave.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Salaam aleikum, Amjad.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Hello, Dave.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20How's things at home?
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Not so good. My wife's not an easy woman to live with.
0:08:23 > 0:08:24So people tell me.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- What's all this? - Oh, it's for later on.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31The council are using the hall for a job interview.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34What's the job? Noddy need new bus driver?
0:08:34 > 0:08:37There's a vacancy for a road patrol and child safety officer
0:08:37 > 0:08:39in Edgbaston on Woodfield Lane.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- A road patrol and child safety officer?- That's right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Isn't that a lollipop man?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46They don't like to use that sort of terminology these days.
0:08:46 > 0:08:50It's seen as trivialising what is, after all, a very responsible position.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Do you have to carry a lollipop?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Yes.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Lollipop! It's a funny word!
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It IS a funny word.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02- Lollipop! - THEY BOTH GIGGLE
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Imagine being a lollipop man. What kind of loser would do that?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07THEY BOTH GIGGLE
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- I would.- What?- I'm going to apply.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- What time are the interviews? - Later today, but...
0:09:12 > 0:09:14Why do you want to be a lollipop man, sir?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- I don't.- But you just said that...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18You see, Amjad, this is the difference
0:09:18 > 0:09:20between me and the rest of you.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Dave here talks about a lollipop man on Woodfield Road
0:09:23 > 0:09:26and all you can do is giggle about the word "lollipop".
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- HE LAUGHS - Stop saying it!
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Whereas I hear the word "opportunity".
0:09:32 > 0:09:34He didn't say "opportunity", did he?
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Not literally, you idiot.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Look, think about it. A lollipop man in Edgbaston.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- Right...- On Woodfield Road.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Right.- And which school is on Woodfield Road?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Woodfield School?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So, whoever gets the job will become the lollipop man for...
0:09:51 > 0:09:52Woodfield School!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54There you go.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- I still don't follow you.- Ohh...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58That's because he hasn't got his lollipop yet!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Oh, right
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Look, Amjad, we want Baby Mo to get into Woodfield School, right?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09So, I become the lollipop man,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12do the mingling and the shingling with the headmaster.
0:10:12 > 0:10:13Hey presto!
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Mr Khan's your grandad and Baby Mo's got his place.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19That's brilliant, sir! Shazia's going to be so happy.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Oh, wait, she said she didn't want you to get involved.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Then we won't tell her.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Once it's all sorted, she'll be happy as Barry.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I don't know, sir. It all sounds a bit dodgy.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Amjad, there is nothing dodgy
0:10:32 > 0:10:35about a grown man hanging around outside a school with a lollipop.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38DAVE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Hang on a minute. You can't be sure you'll get the job.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43It's a lollipop man's job - I think I'll be OK.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Have you got any experience of being a lollipop...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48a road patrol and child safety officer?
0:10:48 > 0:10:49I can cross the road.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52It's not just crossing the road. There's a lot more to it.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- How do you know?- I'm involved in the interview process.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- As what?- I'm the impartial observer.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I'm there to make sure the process is completely fair and unbiased.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Perfect! You can make sure I get it.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Yeah, that's not really how an impartial observer works.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Well, it doesn't matter. It's only a lollipop man's interview.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11How hard can it be?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Especially for someone as young and as fit as I am.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- If anything, I might be too young. - What do you mean?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Well, usually, these lollipoppies are oldies, aren't they?
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I hope they don't hold it against me.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- Ooh!- You see? This is what I was trying to tell you, Mr Khan.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28Nowadays, these jobs are a lot more demanding.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31There's traffic management, first aid.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32And the council has an obligation
0:11:32 > 0:11:34to make sure all candidates are physically fit.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I AM physically fit.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- What about your back? - Apart from that.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- And your knee, and your elbow... - Look!
0:11:40 > 0:11:41I might have a few aches and pains,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43but I think I can get through an interview
0:11:43 > 0:11:45and a few questions on the Highway Code.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47And a fitness test.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Oh, twaddi!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53MUSIC: Rocky theme
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Steady... Go!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13You're doing it! Yes!
0:12:19 > 0:12:21SQUELCH!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27..49, 50.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Baby Mohammad!
0:12:34 > 0:12:36CRACKING Hai! Oh!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44This is how I do my hijab.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47BABY MO CRIES
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Oh, my days! What's going on?
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Mum and Naani are trying to cheer him up.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54It's not working.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Really?- Maybe you shouldn't come to the studio.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59Naani won't want pictures of a miserable baby.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Well, she doesn't want 500 versions of you doing your pouty face either.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- I have to get my pictures done. - No way!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09- We'll ask Naani.- Fine.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11- Naanijaan?- Haan.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14- Can I use the photoshoot to get some pictures for my website?- Haan.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18But I want to get some of just me and Amjad with Baby Mohammad.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- SHE SPEAKS URDU - We can't both do it.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22You must have what you want.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25But then there won't be time to do the big family photo.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- No matter.- Don't you want to have a picture with us all in?- Haan.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- You with Baby Mo.- Haan.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- Me and Alia.- Haan.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33- Mum.- Haan.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- And Dad.- Heh!
0:13:37 > 0:13:40As long as I have you young people.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43What about you, Naani? You have to be in it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Nahin. Who wants to see a picture of me with my old wrinkly face?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49BOTH: We do!
0:13:49 > 0:13:53- And your face isn't wrinkly. - No. It's beautiful.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56You do your shots. Forget about mine.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58No, you do yours. It's fine.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Maybe if we're quick, we can do them both.- Yes.- Definitely.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07So, is your vlog really popular?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Some of it.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13I got 200 views for my make-up tips, 300 for my hijab tips,
0:14:13 > 0:14:16and 10,000 for the one where Dad walks past in his underpants.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19NO SOUND FROM LAPTOP
0:14:27 > 0:14:31This is it, Amjad. I'm fighting fit and raring to go.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Riaz! What are you doing here?
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- I'm here for the lollipop man job. - What? Why?
0:14:38 > 0:14:40You made it sound like a very attractive career move.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Not for you!
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Ohh!
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Ah!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48Look at those three blokes over there.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I'll make a better lollipop man than any of them.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Have you ever done anything like this before, sir?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Once, back in Pakistan.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00I used to drive the village bus. I had a very good safety record.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01No accidents?
0:15:01 > 0:15:04No. Just one near miss.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08We were going along a very tricky dirt road in Rawalpindi.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13It was very hot and dusty. Visibility was down to a few metres.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16Suddenly, we turned a corner and I was faced with a low bridge.
0:15:16 > 0:15:17Oh, no!
0:15:17 > 0:15:20It was too late to turn back, so I put my foot down and went for it.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22What happened?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25We made it, with just a few inches to spare!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So, everyone was OK?
0:15:27 > 0:15:28Yes.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30Apart from the ones on the roof.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33What?
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Second class tickets - you get what you pay for.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39This interview is going to be a piece of cake.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- Are you good at interviews, sir? - Of course I am!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46What's the one thing you need to remember for interviews?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Your name.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50No! Make sure your flies are done up.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Are my flies done up?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01No.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Oops!
0:16:03 > 0:16:05We don't want anyone looking in there, do we?
0:16:05 > 0:16:06No, sir.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Hello there. - ALL: Hello.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Assalam aleikum!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14You're all here for the child safety support officer position?
0:16:14 > 0:16:17That's right. All present and correct.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18Flies done up.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21Mr Khan, is it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:25That's right. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
0:16:25 > 0:16:30Right, well, I'd like to formally welcome you all, and to say that
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Sparkhill Borough Council is an equal opportunities employer.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35Bingo! We're in!
0:16:37 > 0:16:40We welcome all applications regardless of race, colour,
0:16:40 > 0:16:42nationality, religious beliefs...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Cheerio!
0:16:44 > 0:16:46..and gender.
0:16:46 > 0:16:47Blimey!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Looks like we've got competition.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54But if I've only got her/him to beat, we're laughing!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57Good luck, sir!
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Right, well, if you'd like to follow me.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Mr Khan, I'm not sure what you're trying to do is entirely ethical.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07MOCKING, WHINEY VOICE: "I'm not sure what you're trying to do
0:17:07 > 0:17:08"is entirely ethical."
0:17:08 > 0:17:10Listen, Dave, I need to do this.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I'm the head of the household.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I need to show that I'm still in charge,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16that I'm still king of my castle.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Otherwise, I'll become some sad loser
0:17:18 > 0:17:21that everyone just ignores or laughs at.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23You know what I'm talking about, don't you?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25What, because I'm king of my castle, too?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28No, Dave, because you're a ginger.
0:17:34 > 0:17:36OK.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39First, we're going to run through basic road traffic awareness.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42Mr Khan, would you show us your road crossing technique?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Neee-ooow!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Neee-ooow!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Nee... Urrrgh!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57HE MUTTERS
0:18:00 > 0:18:02That's not how you cross the road.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04It is in Sparkhill!
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You wait for a break in traffic
0:18:06 > 0:18:10and you walk slowly to the middle of the crossing and stop.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Now, does anyone know what this technique is called?
0:18:13 > 0:18:14Suicide?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Partial crossing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20This allows the cars to see you and to slow down to a halt.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- They won't see you round here. - Why not?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Lots of Bangladeshis, they can't see over the wheel.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29We don't condone any kind of racist stereotyping.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32It's not racist! They're just a little bit teeny tiny.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35- Mr Khan!- I'm listening.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Fitness is also important.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Crossing users may require physical assistance.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42I'm stronger than that lot.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Now, I have a dummy to demonstrate.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Right, is it the one in the middle?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh, I see.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Yeah, now, these things are incredibly expensive
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and I'd appreciate it if you would treat them very, very gently,
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Yes, be careful!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Carry on.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04OK.
0:19:04 > 0:19:08Let's suppose our child is on his way to school...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- Hang on. How old is he supposed to be?- What?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14He's looks a bit well developed for primary school.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Mind you, my cousin Farooq
0:19:15 > 0:19:19had a fully grown beard by the time he was seven.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Obviously, you have to use your imagination.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- No problem.- So, our child is on his way to school...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- Woodfield School? - What?- Is it Woodfield School?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Doesn't matter what school. - Yes, it bloomin' does!
0:19:30 > 0:19:31OK, it's Woodfield School.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Great! You see, Dave? I told you it would work.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35I'm an impartial observer.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Whatever!
0:19:37 > 0:19:41OK, now, let's imagine you're on duty
0:19:41 > 0:19:43and our child needs to use the crossing.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Oh! He's dropped his bag in the middle of the road.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53There's books and pens everywhere! What are you going to do?
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Ah, Mr Simpson, how are you? That is a lovely suit!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Hm? Ha-ha-ha, that's very funny!
0:19:59 > 0:20:01Mr Khan!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- I'm talking to the headmaster. - What?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08He's about to give my grandson a place at the school.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09There's no-one there!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11You said to use your imagination!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14This child is in a hazardous situation.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17You need to get him to safety as quickly as possible.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18Fine! Off you go, sonny.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Don't worry. I'll fix it.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Right, I...I really think we should move on.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Anger management is an essential skill for the child's safety...
0:20:35 > 0:20:37CRASHING It's OK, I've almost got it.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Anger management is an essential...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43- It's an essential skill... - MORE CRASHING AND SQUEAKING
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- ..for the child safety... - It's OK, I'm almost there.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49- Anger management... - Ah, nearly had it!
0:20:49 > 0:20:50Leave it!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Please.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Just leave it.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Road rage incidents are becoming increasingly common.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You might have to diffuse situations with difficult drivers.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So, um, Yvonne, if you'd like to be the driver, and...
0:21:19 > 0:21:20Me!
0:21:24 > 0:21:31Right. So, Yvonne is at the crossing and she's getting irritated.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Beep, beep!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Beep, beep. Hurry up!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37All right, calm down, my darling!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Don't call me darling.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42Yes. You absolutely must not use sexist language.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46- I'm not being sexist.- It's patronising and demeaning to women.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Oh, right. Sorry, sweetheart.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- What?- We are very sorry.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Forget it. It's a generational thing. He's old, so...
0:21:54 > 0:21:56I'm not old!
0:21:56 > 0:22:01Right, I really think it's time for somebody else to have a turn.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Get off my lollipop! Get off it!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20OK, so this is the final part of the test.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22It's practical, so we can throw anything at you
0:22:22 > 0:22:24to see how you'll cope.
0:22:24 > 0:22:25Who wants to go first?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27THROAT CLEARS
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Mr Khan.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32I'm ready!
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Right, well, off you go.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36ENGINE STARTS
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Stop! Children! TYRES SCREECH
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Come on, go on!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53Oh, no! One of the children has fallen over.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Now, please be careful with the dummy.- Chillax.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Hai! Mera knee!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03No, no, no. You shouldn't move the victim.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05I can't get down there!
0:23:05 > 0:23:06HORN TOOTS
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Keep your hair on, Riaz, I've got an injured child in the road!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I'm late for work. I've got an important meeting with a client.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17You're a funeral director. It's not as if he's going anywhere!
0:23:18 > 0:23:19HORN TOOTS
0:23:21 > 0:23:22Here, hold this.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25HORN TOOTS
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Agh!
0:23:27 > 0:23:30Riaz, stop tooting. You're supposed to be on my side.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32I'm trying to make it realistic.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35- And you should be looking after the casualty.- OK, fine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36CRACKING
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Well, go on, then.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- I can't.- Why not?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44My back's gone again! I can't move.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Don't worry. You stay where you are. I'll move.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47What?
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Mr Khan!
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Hold on!
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Right, just try reversing a bit. It might free it up.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57OK.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Aaargh! Slow down! Slow down!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02It's not Police! Camera! Action!
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Hai! Hai!
0:24:04 > 0:24:05HE YELPS IN PAIN
0:24:05 > 0:24:07TYRES SCREECH
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Argh! Right, go forward!
0:24:11 > 0:24:13HE GROANS IN AGONY
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Stop the car, stop the car!
0:24:26 > 0:24:27Stop the car!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Where are you going?
0:24:29 > 0:24:30I forgot to get the milk.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Is he smiling yet? - No. I've tried everything.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Well, try harder. I'm not having family photos
0:24:42 > 0:24:45with him looking like someone's just run over Iggle Piggle.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47OK.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51# There's a worm at the bottom of the garden
0:24:51 > 0:24:55# And his name is Wiggley Woo..."
0:24:55 > 0:24:56HE TOOTS INSTRUMENT
0:24:56 > 0:24:59BABY MO CRIES
0:24:59 > 0:25:02So, I'll say, "One, two, three, jump!"
0:25:02 > 0:25:04and we all jump up and he takes the picture.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Like that.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I haven't jumped since 1973.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14And don't forget your father's got a bad back.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Where is he, anyway? We've only got the studio for an hour.
0:25:16 > 0:25:17DOOR SLAMS
0:25:17 > 0:25:21Papaji! Where've you been?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- He's been at the community centre, haven't you, sir?- No.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27It's all right, you can tell them now you've got the job!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- Quiet, Amjad!- What have you done?
0:25:29 > 0:25:30He got the job at Woodfield School
0:25:30 > 0:25:33so he can get the shingles with the headmaster!
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I told you not to do that!
0:25:36 > 0:25:38She told you not to do that!
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Heh! Idiot!
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Did you know about this?- Yes.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45But it's all going to work out fine and you'll be happy.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Tell them, sir.- I can't.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49What do you mean?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- I didn't get the job.- What?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55In fact, they banned me from going near the school.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57But Baby Mo can still go.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59No, they banned him as well.
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- In fact, they banned the whole family.- Oh, my God!
0:26:04 > 0:26:05What happened, Papaji?
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- I don't want to talk about it. - But you hurt your back!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I don't want to think about it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Well, you'd just better straighten yourself out.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- We're practising our poses for the photos.- I don't want to be in it.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19Papaji! It's a family photo. We need the whole family.
0:26:19 > 0:26:23This family doesn't need me any more. You go ahead without me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Don't be like that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I'll only ruin it.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I'm too old.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32No-one thinks you're old.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35- And I'm too fat. - No-one thinks you're fat.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36I do.
0:26:38 > 0:26:42I'm too old and I'm too fat and I'm no use to anyone any more.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44That's not true.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48It is true! I couldn't even put the poxy blinds up.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Now you're just being silly. - Am I? Am I?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I'm Mr Khan.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Man of the house.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm supposed to provide for my family.
0:26:57 > 0:27:01But look at me! Back hurts. Leg hurts.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03I've got grey hairs in beard.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06And I can't even get my own grandson into his school,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09because I'm too bloomin' old and too bloomin' fat
0:27:09 > 0:27:11to be a bloomin' lollipop man!
0:27:12 > 0:27:17You might as well take me out the back and shoot me!
0:27:18 > 0:27:20BABY MO GIGGLES
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Oh, my God!
0:27:22 > 0:27:25You see? Even the boy's laughing at me.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- I can't believe it! He's laughing. - BABY MO LAUGHS
0:27:28 > 0:27:31- How did you do that?- Do what?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34He hasn't smiled all day, sir. Nobody could make him smile.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36He always smiles for me.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- Ah, there! You see?- Hm?
0:27:39 > 0:27:41There's something you can do for your grandson
0:27:41 > 0:27:42that no-one else can do.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Ah, come here, little man.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49You always smile for me, don't you?
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Yes, you do. Yes, you do!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54CRACKING Hai!
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Mera back! Hai!
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Quick, take the photos!