0:00:03 > 0:00:05Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham -
0:00:05 > 0:00:07the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15They all know me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17He likes my suit.
0:00:17 > 0:00:18LAUGHTER
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Number one, Citizen Khan.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Pride of Birmingham Awards 2015.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26Entry for Mr Khan, Community Leader.
0:00:26 > 0:00:28WHISPERING: Go on, Riaz!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30- IN BORED VOICE:- Mm. Salted peanuts.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32My favourite.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Oh, no. I'm choking.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35HE PRETENDS TO COUGH
0:00:35 > 0:00:37LAUGHTER
0:00:39 > 0:00:43- Oh, no! It looks like you- are- choking!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Don't worry, stranger in my kitchen.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49I, Mr Khan, community leader of number 22 Malvison Road, Sparkhill,
0:00:49 > 0:00:50will save you!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Come on!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Don't you dare die on me!
0:00:55 > 0:00:59I'll have to try mouth-to-mouth.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Riaz!
0:01:00 > 0:01:01I'm fine now.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- HE COUGHS - Never felt better. Thanks.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05Riaz, this is important!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08It's for the Pride of Birmingham Awards, for local heroes.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11They give these awards to a right bunch of idiots.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12They're bound to give me one!
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Look, this time, when you choke,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18try and make it look more realistic, huh?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- OK. - MR KHAN SIGHS
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Salaam aleikum, Papaji.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Waleikum salam, my little imami.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:26What's going on?
0:01:26 > 0:01:29I'm entering Birmingham Pride.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- LAUGHTER - What?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32Birmingham Pride.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Birmingham Pride?
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- Like Birmingham- Pride- Pride?
0:01:37 > 0:01:38Actual Pride?
0:01:38 > 0:01:39Yep!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43Riaz and I are even recording a special video for it.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:47It's a little bit naughty,
0:01:47 > 0:01:48but you only live once, eh?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:52O.M.G.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Will you be in the parade?
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Well, I guess so! Right at the front.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Wait till the men down the mosque hear about it.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02They'll all want a piece of me! LAUGHTER
0:02:02 > 0:02:04RIAZ COUGHS
0:02:04 > 0:02:06That's much better, Riaz!
0:02:07 > 0:02:08Oh, my God!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10I know! He's good, isn't he?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Robert Ruddy Redford, eat your bloomin' heart out!
0:02:13 > 0:02:14HE COUGHS LOUDLY
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Papaji, he's choking!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Do something!
0:02:18 > 0:02:19That's brilliant!
0:02:19 > 0:02:20RIAZ COUGHS LOUDLY
0:02:20 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Thank you, Mr Khan.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Right, very good, Riaz.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27This time, we'll record it, hm?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29LAUGHTER
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I'm sorry, that was the last salted nut...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Fine. We'll have to go with Plan B - fire rescue.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Pass me the petrol.
0:02:36 > 0:02:37LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Sweetie?- Shh!
0:02:45 > 0:02:47What are you doing?!
0:02:47 > 0:02:50You can't do that!
0:02:50 > 0:02:52That's one of the special glasses!
0:02:52 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Use this one, much cheaper.
0:02:55 > 0:02:56LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's Shazia and Amjad. They're arguing. Again!
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Sweetie, it's none of our business.
0:03:03 > 0:03:04She's really yelling at him.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06At Amjad? Really?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07HE LAUGHS
0:03:07 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:13They never used to argue. I'm worried something's wrong.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Why should something be wrong?
0:03:14 > 0:03:17They're married. They shouldn't be arguing and shouting
0:03:17 > 0:03:18at each other all the time.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20- We argue.- No. - LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Yes, we do. We argue all the time.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25- No.- We argued this morning about who didn't do the flush in the toilet!
0:03:25 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:29That wasn't arguing.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Well, it wasn't me!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33We don't argue, OK?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35We're very happy!
0:03:35 > 0:03:36LAUGHTER
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You're right.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42If only they were more like us, huh?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Come on, let's watch telly. Border Control's on.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46One of your cousins might be on it. Again.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:52They've just had a new baby. It can be a very stressful time.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55The feeding, the crying, the sleepless nights.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57You remember what it was like when we had Shazia!
0:03:57 > 0:03:59HE SIGHS Yes, it was very hard.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00You slept in the spare room.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02And the mattress in there was very hard.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:05It's tough enough being newlyweds,
0:04:05 > 0:04:07getting used to each other's little habits.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08What habits?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10You remember, when we were first married
0:04:10 > 0:04:12and we lived in that bedsit.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And there was beard hair all over the sink.
0:04:15 > 0:04:16It was disgusting!
0:04:16 > 0:04:18Yes, it was.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19But I still loved you, my darling.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:24It can put a strain on any relationship.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Even with you know...
0:04:26 > 0:04:27What?
0:04:27 > 0:04:29You know...
0:04:29 > 0:04:30Tang tang! LAUGHTER
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Is that what all the noise is?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35You shouldn't be listening to that, sweetie, it's not right!
0:04:35 > 0:04:38They're not doing it now, you idiot.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Maybe they're not doing it at all!
0:04:40 > 0:04:41That could be part of the problem.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43Well, they must have done it at least once
0:04:43 > 0:04:44or where did baby Mohammad come from?
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Maybe they need to go away.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Just the two of them together.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51You know, rekindle the romance.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53Not that you'd know anything about that.
0:04:53 > 0:04:54Rubbish!
0:04:56 > 0:04:57GROANING
0:04:57 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER
0:04:59 > 0:05:01This is serious.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Mrs Akram's daughter had a baby
0:05:03 > 0:05:07and within a year her husband had run away with the estate agent.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And she and her baby moved back in with her parents!
0:05:10 > 0:05:11SHOUTING: What?!
0:05:11 > 0:05:12LAUGHTER
0:05:15 > 0:05:17I can't hear anything.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20It's gone quiet. Maybe they're making up.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- SHAZIA:- I can't find the spare nappies, have you got them?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Wow! These glasses are amazing.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27It sounds like they're in the next room!
0:05:27 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:29What are you doing?
0:05:31 > 0:05:32LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And that's how you tell if the wallpaper's coming away.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:41 > 0:05:44Mum, I'll put Mo in his travel cot.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47He's been fed, and I've just changed his nappy.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49And all his stuff's in the bag.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50BABY GURGLES
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Amjad, you forgot the nappies.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54I thought you were getting the nappies!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55No! That was one of your jobs.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58I can't do everything, can I, budhoo?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And I can't do anything, can I, ladoo?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:04Oh, it's nice of you to come over.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It's nice to do things together, isn't it?
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- SHOUTING:- Nappies, budhoo!
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- SHOUTING:- I'll get them in a minute, ladoo!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Like shouting.
0:06:12 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:17So, Amjad, are you and Shazia managing to
0:06:17 > 0:06:19find some time together?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Not really.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23It's all about baby Mo now.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25We don't get a minute to ourselves.
0:06:25 > 0:06:26Not even 30 seconds?
0:06:26 > 0:06:27LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:29What?
0:06:29 > 0:06:3110 seconds? Even I can manage 10 seconds.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Beti, it's your anniversary today.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39Why don't you and Amjad leave baby Mo with us
0:06:39 > 0:06:42and go off by yourselves somewhere for a couple of days?
0:06:42 > 0:06:43What for?
0:06:43 > 0:06:47You know, to spend some time together, be romantic.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50You remember romantic, don't you?
0:06:50 > 0:06:51- BOTH:- Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- LAUGHTER - But those days are over.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Why don't you try experimenting a bit?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57What?
0:06:57 > 0:07:00You know, mix it up a little.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Me and your mother do it all the time!
0:07:02 > 0:07:04LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:05- What?- Oh, yes!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Last night, I washed and she dried!
0:07:07 > 0:07:09LAUGHTER
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Oh, right!
0:07:11 > 0:07:12SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Well, we've got other priorities now, haven't we?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Yes.- And I've got an important meeting at the office today.
0:07:17 > 0:07:18That's what counts.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You get to work. I'll get the nappies.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Don't worry, sweetie.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Every marriage has its little ups and downs.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28It all turns out fine in the end.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Look at me and you!
0:07:30 > 0:07:31- Ha! - LAUGHTER
0:07:33 > 0:07:35I'm never getting married.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36HE CHUCKLES
0:07:36 > 0:07:37That's my girl!
0:07:37 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:47MIMICS TANNOY: Ding dong! Pakistani International Airlines,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49flight 786... LAUGHTER
0:07:49 > 0:07:52approaching the runway at the luxurious
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Mr Khan Community Leader Airport!
0:07:54 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:56Another spoon?
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Good boy!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You like doing things again and again, don't you?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02Unlike your parents.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:04 > 0:08:05What are you doing?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I'm getting ready for my TV audition.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- What?- There's a new reality TV show being filmed in Birmingham.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- I'm going to get on it!- Sweetie!
0:08:13 > 0:08:15She might turn out like that famous Pakistani Muslim woman
0:08:15 > 0:08:17that Alia was telling me about.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19What was her name, beti?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20- IN SHEEPISH VOICE:- Kim Kardashian.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:25She's not Pakistani!
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yes, she is! Alia said so.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30She's brown and she's married to a Khan.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:34Kanye!
0:08:34 > 0:08:35Khan, yeah!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Can you give me a lift, Papaji?
0:08:39 > 0:08:43I'd love to, beti, but I've got to finish off my Birmingham Pride video.
0:08:43 > 0:08:44And you're OK with that?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Well, I'm not entirely happy with it,
0:08:47 > 0:08:49but you know what your father's like.
0:08:49 > 0:08:50I'm finding out.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53I'll deal with you later.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56You've got to talk to Amjad, man to man.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Find out what's going on.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59No bloomin' way!
0:08:59 > 0:09:01He's an only child, remember?
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Well, there you go. It runs in the family.
0:09:03 > 0:09:04What?
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Well, Mr Malik doesn't like the tang tang either.
0:09:06 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Just talk to him!
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Sweetie, the only tang tang conversation
0:09:13 > 0:09:14between a man and his son-in-law
0:09:14 > 0:09:17is the one that I had with your father!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19And if he had his way, we'd have no children
0:09:19 > 0:09:22and I'd be carrying my down-belows in a jar of mango pickle!
0:09:22 > 0:09:24LAUGHTER
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Well, in that case, there's nothing else for it.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- This- is what we have to do.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Jesus, Mary and Jawed!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Have you laundered that money?
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:44I've been hiding it from you.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47This is £200 for Amjad and Shazia.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51We use it to buy them a relaxing night away for their anniversary.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53That's what they need.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Why not save £100 and just send one of them away?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57LAUGHTER
0:09:57 > 0:09:59They'll both have a relaxing night, away from each other!
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I am trying to save their marriage!
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Fine.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I'll go and see old Majid at the travel agents.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11He's always selling luxury weekend breaks around Britain.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Last week, he had a special deal to Wigan.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It needs to be romantic.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19You're right.
0:10:19 > 0:10:20Wigan and a bunch of flowers?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22LAUGHTER
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Come on, puttar.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25One more.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26FARTING NOISE
0:10:26 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Awh, you're a naughty little monkey, aren't you?
0:10:34 > 0:10:35That wasn't him.
0:10:35 > 0:10:36LAUGHTER
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- See you later!- Stop!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I need you to stay at home and look after baby Mo.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Oh, what? Why me?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Because Shazia and Amjad are busy, I've got to go to work.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Now, he'll need feeding and he'll need to sleep, OK?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Sweetie, don't fuss, I'll be fine for a couple of hours.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58LAUGHTER
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Not you!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03You have to drop me off at work and then go to the travel agents.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04But... HE SPLUTTERS
0:11:04 > 0:11:05HE SIGHS
0:11:05 > 0:11:08OK, fine. I'm coming out.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09You can say that again.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:17 > 0:11:20You do realise that once I've won my Pride of Birmingham award,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23I won't be dropping you off at this silly supermarket any more?
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- Just make sure you book their weekend away.- Yes, yes.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And you can't park there! This is for parent and child only.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Don't worry, darling. I've already thought of that one.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Here we are. Ah!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37You worry too much. Leave it to me, I know what I'm doing.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Feet for dancing, head for thinking.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41How many times have I got to tell you?
0:11:42 > 0:11:43There you are!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44Right.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49KHAN HUMS
0:11:52 > 0:11:53What?
0:11:56 > 0:11:57Hang on!
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Oh, twaddi!
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Get out the way! Oh, twaddi!
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Oh, twaddi! Hey!
0:12:06 > 0:12:08What are you doing?
0:12:09 > 0:12:10Oh, God!
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Get my...
0:12:13 > 0:12:17Baldy! Get my car down! What are you doing?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Get my Mercedes down!
0:12:19 > 0:12:22MOBILE PHONE RINGS Huh? Oh, God! Oh!
0:12:22 > 0:12:24BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY RINGTONE
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Oh, hello, sweetie.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Yes, I'll go to the travel agents as soon as I can.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36Don't worry. I won't hang about.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37OK!
0:12:37 > 0:12:39Ah! Oh, God!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Oh, twaddi!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Oh, God!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57What do you think you're doing?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59What the blooming twaddi do you think you're doing?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I'm Mr Khan, community leader. Get my Mercedes off this thing!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm sorry, sir, you were parked in a parent and child spot.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- You don't have a child. - Yes, I do. Look.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12That's a doll.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13How dare you.
0:13:13 > 0:13:14He's sleeping.
0:13:15 > 0:13:16He's only got one arm.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20Exactly, I could've parked in the disabled space too.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Look, I'm taking the vehicle to the pound in Dudley.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- You'll have to retrieve it from there.- I can't go to Dudley.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Why not?- I haven't had my jabs!
0:13:28 > 0:13:30Then you'll have to pay the release fee.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32- £200.- What?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35£200? I haven't got £200.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37That looks like £200 to me.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- It is.- You could use that.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45No, that's for my daughter, you see?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48She's having marriage problems, so we're booking her a hotel room.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Old Majid's going to sort her out. Bish, bosh.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Look, you have two options,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56either I take the car to the pound, or you pay the fine.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59There is a third option, I stay sitting here
0:13:59 > 0:14:00and you can't tow me away.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Fine. I can wait all day, mate.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05But at some point you'll need the loo.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I can hold it in. I've been on Pakistani trains.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Don't they have toilets?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Not if you're sat on the roof.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Nah!
0:14:22 > 0:14:25It's taken dedication to get to this point in my career.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Really?- Yeah.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Do you know how long it takes to do these nails?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34- I hope we get noticed. - You will. You totally stand out.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Really? Cos I'm the fittest?
0:14:36 > 0:14:38No, you're the only one with a baby.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40BABY CRIES
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Why do people have kids anyway?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Angelina Jolie collects them in all kinds of colours,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48so they must be cool.
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Yeah, but she's got people to look after hers.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51She hardly gets to see them.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53That's brilliant.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Here, you hold him.- How come?
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Goes better with your outfit.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- Salaam aleikum, Mr Khan. - Waleikum salam, Riaz. Hello, Dave.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09What are you doing up there?
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I'm selling ice creams! What does it look like I am doing?
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Got any Magnums?
0:15:16 > 0:15:19What? Of course I've not got any Magnums!
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Oh. What about strawberry twisters?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25Riaz, would you stop talking about food? I haven't eaten for hours.
0:15:25 > 0:15:26CARS BEEPING
0:15:26 > 0:15:28Mr Khan, you're causing an obstruction.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31You could get arrested. I really think you should be careful.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34I really think you should be brown, so now we're even.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37- BEEPING - Come on, Mr Khan, come down.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38No, thank you. I'm staying put.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40If I get out of here,
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Dr Evil over there is going to take my car!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Hey, clampaigner!
0:15:44 > 0:15:45How about a selfie?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50You see, Dave? I'm Mr Khan, community leader. They all know me.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53Hey, you're trending!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Hashtag clampaigner!
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Mr Khan, your face is all over the internet.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02- Is it?- Look, come down before it gets any worse.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Don't you see, Dave?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06This is my chance to achieve something important.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09You mean standing up against oppressive parking regulations?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I mean getting a Birmingham Pride award.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Man of the people, isn't it? I'm like Trevor Nelson Mandela.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So, peeps, the next time you'll see me will be on your TV.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23And remember, hashtag hijabibabe.
0:16:26 > 0:16:27The show starts in 40 minutes,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29so just make it happen, OK? Thanks, bye.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Hiya.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- Hello.- What time we on camera?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I'm sorry, we've got all the people that we need for today,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39but maybe if you leave us your details we'll be in touch next time.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40- What?- I couldn't find any nappies,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43so I just tied some paper towels together with loo rolls.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Oops.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46- Go away!- OK.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49Hold on, is this your baby? Isn't he lovely!
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Yeah, whatevs. Listen!
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I have done my nails and everything. You know, I'm a Muslim, hijab,
0:16:54 > 0:16:56flavour of the month, innit?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58You know, there could be something in this.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00The director loves a baby!
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- Brilliant.- Get off it! It's mine. It's my baby.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13This is Mr Khan speaking.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15We shall fight them at the beaches.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Beaches? In Birmingham?
0:17:17 > 0:17:19All right, Dave.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21- We'll fight them at the Bull Ring! - Yes!
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- We shall fight them at the drive-thru Costa.- Yes!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Nothing can stand in my way.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- No-one can stop me now.- Oi!
0:17:29 > 0:17:30Oh, twaddi!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Oi!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Oi!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Oh, hello, sweetie.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I didn't see you there.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43You are supposed to be saving Shazia and Amjad's marriage!
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Sweetie, this isn't about them.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50This isn't about me, this isn't even about you.
0:17:50 > 0:17:54This is about standing up for the little people.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56All right, maybe it's a little bit about you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59What if the police turn up, what then?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Don't be a silly-billy, my darling.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04The police aren't going to be bothered with something like this.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- POLICE SIREN - The police are here.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Oh, twaddi.- Just get out of the car and come down.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- I really think you should do as Mrs Khan says.- No.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15But you could be arrested.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- Aren't you worried?- Nope.- Why not?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19Because I've just seen who they've sent.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Hello, sir.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Officer Dibble.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Please, just try and talk some sense into this idiot.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30OK, sweetie. I'll do my best.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37How long have you been up here, sir?
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Nearly five hours
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and I'll be here all night if I have to.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42If I keep this up I'll get my Pride Of Birmingham award
0:18:42 > 0:18:46and I'll be Birmingham's biggest hero since Bob blooming Carolgees
0:18:46 > 0:18:47and Spit the blooming dog!
0:18:47 > 0:18:49KHAN SPITS
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Only the thing is, sir, is they've asked me to arrest you
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and I told Shazia I'd pick her up after her interview.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Amjad, this is a point of principle. It's daylight robbery.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I mean, who has £200 lying about the place?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That looks like £200.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Give that to me! That's for something else!- What?
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Mrs Khan wants me to go to the travel agent.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- Majid's travel agent?- Ah.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16You better hurry up, then. It closes in 15 minutes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Oi!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19What the hell are you doing?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Hai!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Is everything OK, sir?
0:19:26 > 0:19:30Amjad, you know you can talk to me about anything?
0:19:30 > 0:19:32- Right.- Anything at all.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34OK.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37So, is there anything you want to discuss?
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Anything that's worrying you?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Actually...
0:19:41 > 0:19:42there is.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46- The other day...- Mm.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- ..I looked out of the window...- Mm. - ..and I saw a bird.
0:19:50 > 0:19:52I think it might have been an eagle.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55But why would there be an eagle in Sparkhill?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Not eagles, you idiot!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59What then?
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I want to talk to you about...
0:20:02 > 0:20:03cricket!
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Cricket?- Yes, cricket.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- Now, cricket is a bit like a marriage.- Right.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13You get together and you form a partnership.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And at first you're...sneaking plenty of...
0:20:16 > 0:20:18quick ones.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Maybe even twos.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24And then you get a new delivery that you weren't expecting
0:20:24 > 0:20:30and suddenly you stop scoring and you get very frustrated.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32But then you get your timing back,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35you remember where all the gaps are,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39and before you know it, you're spraying balls all over the place!
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Are you talking about tang-tang?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- Yes.- With Shazia?
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Yes...- We do that all the time.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- What?- We're always doing it. It's amazing!- OK, thank you!
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- In fact, I'd say we do it pretty much every night.- OK, that's enough.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- That's what I say, but Shazia just...- Stop it!- I say that too!
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Well, Shazia, you've certainly impressed me so far
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- and I am not easily impressed. - Thank you.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16You don't get salesperson of the month as often as I have
0:21:16 > 0:21:17by being easily impressed.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20How many times have you been salesperson of the month?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Oh, no idea!
0:21:22 > 0:21:24I don't keep track of details like that!
0:21:24 > 0:21:25SHE LAUGHS
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- 12.- Wow!
0:21:29 > 0:21:33Can I ask what attracted you to this position on my team?
0:21:33 > 0:21:36Well, I think it fits my skill set really well,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38and I'm keen to progress my career.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42Mm. So you should be, you are a very impressive candidate.
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I also need to be progressing on the salary scale,
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- because I'm the main breadwinner in the family.- Oh, I see.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Partner not up to much? Bit of a dimwit, is he?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55No, no, it's just I don't want him to compromise his dream
0:21:55 > 0:21:58by giving up his PCSO police training.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00He does sound like a dimwit.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Don't worry. My husband was an idiot too.
0:22:04 > 0:22:05That's why I divorced him.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07We're very happy.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I just want to provide a more secure future for our family.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15I totally get it. Family is absolutely the most important thing.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Do you have children?- Yes.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20- And do you see a lot of them? - Of course, I see them every day!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Look!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Oh. I meant...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Oh, you mean in real life?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30God, no!
0:22:38 > 0:22:39So, this is fun.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42We're just like cop buddies, huh?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44- Ooh, which ones?- Turner and Hooch.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- Which one am I?- You're the dog.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50MESSAGE ALERT
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Shazia's got a new job.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Great. You must be delighted.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Yes...
0:22:59 > 0:23:03It just means she'll be spending a lot of time away from home.
0:23:03 > 0:23:04Great. You must be delighted.
0:23:06 > 0:23:09She's only taking the job so we can afford to have more children.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- That's why we are having all the...- Yes, yes!
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I wish it was me getting the promotion.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16I've always wanted to be a policeman,
0:23:16 > 0:23:18ever since I watched that TV show when I was young,
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- all about police procedure. - Top Cat?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Yes, that's the one.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26I've been a PSCO for a year now
0:23:26 > 0:23:31and not once have they mentioned me becoming an actual police officer.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34If I could get a proper job with career opportunities,
0:23:34 > 0:23:39Shazia wouldn't need to take her job and be away from me and baby Mo.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I'm going to miss her so much.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44CHEERING IN BACKGROUND
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Yay, go...
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Look, Amjad,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54if you could pull off the arrest
0:23:54 > 0:23:56of a dangerous, determined
0:23:56 > 0:23:59but rather dashing local desperado,
0:23:59 > 0:24:03do you think that would help you become a proper policeman?
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Definitely!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07But where would I find someone like that?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09It's me, you idiot.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10You're going to arrest me.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12And then you'll be a hero.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17- Oh, thank you, sir.- Right, Amjad.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- Are you ready for your big moment? - Yes, sir.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Now, just get out of the car and try not to do anything stupid.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Oh...
0:24:30 > 0:24:32KHAN STRAINS
0:24:37 > 0:24:42Mr Khan, I'm arresting you for breach of the peace,
0:24:42 > 0:24:46trespass, and disorderly behaviour.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49It's OK, I'll come quietly.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52No road tax, no insurance...
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Amjad, don't be an idiot!
0:24:54 > 0:24:56..and abusive behaviour and threatening behaviour!
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Right, that's enough.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Agh!
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Do you feel lucky, punk? Do you? Do you?!
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You're going down!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08PEPPER SPRAY Ah!
0:25:15 > 0:25:20I'm so happy for Amjad. A proper full-time policeman.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22"I'm so happy for Amjad."
0:25:22 > 0:25:25Meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29He went to sleep straight away. He must have had fun with you today.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yeah, we had a great time.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32He was really useful...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34I mean, well behaved.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37I'm so excited for our anniversary trip.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- What's the hotel like, Dad? - Only the best for you, Shazia.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43It's one where all the A-list celebrities stay.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44Really? Like who?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Lenny Henry.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50It's a Premier Inn!
0:25:53 > 0:25:54Thanks, Dad.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- This is the best anniversary ever. - Ah...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- How are you feeling, sir? - How do you think I'm feeling?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Is your mouth still hurting?
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'm sorry about the pepper spray.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09I was just trying to make it look more realistic,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11like the movies.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Which movie? Death Wish?
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Don't worry about him.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17He's just upset about the Pride Of Birmingham awards.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Oh.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Because Mr Sethi's getting one?
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Mr Sethi! But he's an Indian! Why is he getting one?
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Rescuing Riaz from choking on some salted peanuts.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- The devious, greedy...- So, Amjad...
0:26:32 > 0:26:37when do you start your new job as a full-time police officer?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39Next year. I have to go on a course first.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Is it an assault course?
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The important thing is now
0:26:44 > 0:26:47Amjad and Shazia can keep trying for more babies!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It makes me excited just thinking about it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:51Me too!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Talking of which, we can't stay long.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58We need to get to the hotel,
0:26:58 > 0:27:01we're having an early night. We're going to be...
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Amjad!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Sorry.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05I mean...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07so we can play CRICKET.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13I'm just three away from my CENTURY!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18You're a good father, Amjad.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And you too! You did the right thing.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25You look after Amjad just like you do your own daughters.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I know. We are good parents.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Eh, come on, let's watch Border Control.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Let's see if we can spot Naani smuggling rotten mangoes
0:27:33 > 0:27:34down her shalwar.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36We'd better get going.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Are you sure you're OK to have baby Mo?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41Yes, of course. Alia is a baby expert now.
0:27:41 > 0:27:42Not really.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44You're a good girl, beti.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46You never give us any trouble, ah?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48TV PROGRAMME STARTS
0:27:49 > 0:27:52"And today we meet the Muslim girl
0:27:52 > 0:27:55"who defied her father to be a single mum!"
0:27:55 > 0:27:56STUDIO AUDIENCE APPLAUDS