0:00:03 > 0:00:07Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15They all know me!
0:00:15 > 0:00:16You like my suit?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Number one, Citizen Khan.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Morning everyone, and welcome to the Mr Khan Community Leader
0:00:24 > 0:00:28Cricket Stadium in Pakistan's fourth largest city...
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Birmingham!
0:00:31 > 0:00:34And facing Pakistan today...
0:00:34 > 0:00:35is the MCC,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38the Muslim Cricket Club!
0:00:38 > 0:00:43And opening the batting for Pakistan is Mr Khan, community leader,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45and opening the bowling for the MCC
0:00:45 > 0:00:50is the new cricketing sensation, Baby Mohammad!
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CREAKING SOUND
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Six! Hey!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Six again! The crowd goes wild!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Ah! Good ball!
0:01:08 > 0:01:10There's a shout for LBW.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12What's the umpire's decision going to be?
0:01:12 > 0:01:14The crowd are waiting in anticipation!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16It's a very tense moment out at the middle.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18What's the umpire's decision?
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Not out!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25- Dadda.- I'm sorry, the umpire's decision is final,
0:01:25 > 0:01:27your daddy can't help you now.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Dadda.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31No, your daddy's not here.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33I'm Grandpa. Mr Khan.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ring, ring.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- What?- Ring, ring, Dadda.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39What are you talking about?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41TELEPHONE RINGS
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Hang on, the phone's ringing.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47Hello, Mr Khan speaking.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Oh, hello, Amjad. Yes, he's absolutely fine.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I'm talking to your daddy.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Ring, ring, Dadda.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Oh, my God.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58You knew?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01You knew it was going to be your daddy!
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Mohammad, you're psychic.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You're Mystic Mo!
0:02:05 > 0:02:07KHAN LAUGHS
0:02:09 > 0:02:10Ring, ring, Dadda.
0:02:12 > 0:02:13Ring, ring, Dadda.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# I believe in miracles
0:02:21 > 0:02:23# Since you came along You sexy thing. #
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Where's Mystic...I mean Baby Mo?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Upstairs.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Why?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32I need him to help me pick my lottery numbers.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36You can't play the lottery, it's gambling, it's not allowed!
0:02:36 > 0:02:37Sweetie, it's not gambling
0:02:37 > 0:02:41if you've already been told what the result's going to be.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Just like when we bet on the Pakistani cricket team.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Pota, this is Grandpa.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51If you think I should pick 12, say "12."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54What's wrong with you? He's just a baby.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57You're right, I'm being silly.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59BABY TALK VOICE Puthar,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02if you think I should pick 12, say "Dadda".
0:03:03 > 0:03:07Not 12. 13? 14? 22?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Don't disturb him. He's having his nap.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Ooh. - Are you OK, my darling?
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Yes, I'm fine. It's just...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I've got a bit of a bad tummy.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19I bought loads of toilet roll from the cash and carry.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24It's not that. It's probably stress.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26What are you stressed about?
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Did you put your control pants in the hot wash again?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30It's Alia.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32She's out all the time -
0:03:32 > 0:03:36and Shazia's working so hard to save up money to buy a house and...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Sweetie, chillax.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40You worry too much.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Here's what you need to do,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44think of the biggest source of stress in your life,
0:03:44 > 0:03:49the one thing that causes you more trouble than anything else.
0:03:50 > 0:03:51Right.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Now, imagine putting it into a big, black bag,
0:03:55 > 0:03:57tying up the top
0:03:57 > 0:04:01and then burying it deep, deep into hole in the ground.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Right.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Are you doing it?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Yes, I am.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09- Doesn't that feel better?- A bit.
0:04:09 > 0:04:11You're lucky you've got me here, huh?
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Puthar! What about 37?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15BABY CRIES
0:04:15 > 0:04:17I told you not to wake him.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It's OK, beta, Granny's coming.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22But I only need two more numbers!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26And the draw finishes in four hours and 17 minutes.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28"Dadda."
0:04:28 > 0:04:2917!
0:04:29 > 0:04:32Does that mean yes?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- "Dadda."- Yes!
0:04:34 > 0:04:3517!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Excellent.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40# I believe in miracles You sexy thing. #
0:04:40 > 0:04:41KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- ALIA:- Papaji! I'm going out, be back later.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Sweetie, Alia, you know how your mother worries.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50You're supposed to tell us where you're going
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- and what time you'll be back. - But I did.- Did you?
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Yeah. I'm going "out" and I'll be back "later".
0:04:55 > 0:04:58Hmm. Oh, yes.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Hello, sir.- Oh, hello, Amjad.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- Where's my little Mo Mo?- Here he is.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05SOMEBODY woke him up.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Did he mention any more numbers?- No.
0:05:08 > 0:05:09DOORBELL RINGS
0:05:09 > 0:05:11That'll be my mummy, she said she was going to meet us here.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14Oh, God! Hide the food.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Where is he?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19I can't wait to squeeze those lovely, squidgy cheeks...
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Keep back! What the hell's wrong with you?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- She means Baby Mo. - Oh, yes, of course.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28He's just playing in his travel cot.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- MRS MALIK:- I need to give him a great big kiss.
0:05:31 > 0:05:32No bloomin' way!
0:05:32 > 0:05:35He still hasn't got over the stubble rash from the last one.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40And...we've got to finish off our mathematics game.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43Well, at least that sounds educational.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46And profitable. We're picking lottery numbers!
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Hai, hai!
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And I see he's still wearing that hideous green top.
0:05:51 > 0:05:52How dare you.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55I'll have you know that's an exclusive, one of a kind,
0:05:55 > 0:05:57replica Pakistani cricket shirt.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's classy. KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:05:59 > 0:06:03Well, soon we won't have to fight over him any more.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04What do you mean?
0:06:04 > 0:06:07I've got some good news and bad news.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Oh, I hate good news and bad news!
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Which do you want to hear first?
0:06:12 > 0:06:13The bad news?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16Mr Malik and I are moving away.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18He said the BAD news.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24Mr Malik has taken early retirement, so we're moving up north,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26where the air is so much healthier.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Where's that?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32It's a beautiful cathedral city, in the foothills of the Pennines,
0:06:32 > 0:06:35just a stone's throw from the Yorkshire Dales.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Oh, you mean Bradford.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Well, yes.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- The air might be healthier, but the rest of it's a complete...- Let's...
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Let's hear the rest of her news!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50We're very sorry to hear you're moving away,
0:06:50 > 0:06:53we'll keep in touch and I promise we will come and visit,
0:06:53 > 0:06:54won't we?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56KHAN LAUGHS
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Yes, of course we will.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00What's the good news?
0:07:00 > 0:07:03We want you...to come with us!
0:07:03 > 0:07:04What?!
0:07:04 > 0:07:06We're going to downsize,
0:07:06 > 0:07:10so we've decided to buy Amjad and his family their first house,
0:07:10 > 0:07:13just round the corner from our new place.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15- No!- Wow!
0:07:15 > 0:07:16Our own house!
0:07:16 > 0:07:19- MRS MALIK:- Yes. - SHAZIA:- That's such a kind offer!
0:07:19 > 0:07:22We don't know what to say, do we, budhoo?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24No.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27To be fair, he never knows what to say.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Say no!- Mum!
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I'm not going to let you take them away from us.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35See, this is the problem with this family.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Too much parental interference.
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Young people need to be left to stand on their own two feet.
0:07:41 > 0:07:45You're buying them a flipping house!
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Shazia, you can't move to Bradford!
0:07:48 > 0:07:50You love living here, don't you?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52In your little house, next to your mummy!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Your mummy who gave birth to you and raised you
0:07:56 > 0:08:00and slaved for 20 years to raise you,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04sacrificing every dream she had so you could be happy!
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Mum, don't do this.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Shazia, we don't want you to move into a brand-new executive home
0:08:09 > 0:08:10in the Yorkshire Dales.
0:08:10 > 0:08:14You'd be far better off living in a cheap, rented house in Sparkhill,
0:08:14 > 0:08:15next to your parents.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19It has been great for Mo having you so close,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- but we have to think about the future, don't we, budhoo?- Yes.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25And what do you think, beta? Of the future?
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Oh...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Well,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33I think we might all travel around with jet packs...
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and have robots as our masters.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39I mean YOUR future.
0:08:39 > 0:08:40Oh, right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45We really want our own house, Mum, and realistically speaking,
0:08:45 > 0:08:47this is the only way we're going to get it.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49But this is bribery! You're bribing them
0:08:49 > 0:08:53just so you can have Baby Mo near you! It's disgraceful!
0:08:53 > 0:08:56Shazia, stay here with us. We'll give you the microwave
0:08:56 > 0:08:58and your mother's set of plastic furniture covers!
0:08:58 > 0:08:59Aargh!
0:08:59 > 0:09:03It's all right, I was lying about the covers!
0:09:03 > 0:09:07It's the right decision. The child should be closer to us.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10No way! He's more ours than yours, anyway.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- What are you talking about? - Think about it!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16He's handsome, intelligent, may have some kind of superpower...
0:09:16 > 0:09:18These are all Khan family traits.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20What?
0:09:20 > 0:09:24It's genetics, isn't it? It's all to do with DNA.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26What does DNA stand for again?
0:09:28 > 0:09:29Definitely Not Amjad.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Dad!
0:09:32 > 0:09:34So, how much more Khan is he?
0:09:34 > 0:09:38I don't know. Maybe 95% Khan.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41So, he's just a quarter me?
0:09:41 > 0:09:43What's that? Like an arm and a leg?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Well, it's not the brain, is it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Look, the point is, he's a Khan baby, so he should stay here with us.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52What a load of rubbish.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Come on, we're going to see a couple of places this afternoon.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57No...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Oh, the pain! Ah, ah..
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Mrs Khan, are you OK?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04She's just trying to guilt me into staying.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Like when I was 11 and she faked a brain haemorrhage
0:10:06 > 0:10:07to stop me going for a sleepover.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Ah...- Mum...
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I understand you're upset,
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- but we've got to think of the future.- Aaaah!
0:10:16 > 0:10:19What if she's really ill? Maybe we should call an ambulance.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Yeah. Or I could just Google it?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Such a clever girl! Imam and a doctor!
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Does it hurt when she coughs?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29MRS KHAN COUGHS AND MOANS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Yes.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34Is she experiencing nausea, loss of appetite?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- MRS KHAN:- Agh! - Yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39I wouldn't eat her samosas either!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42Well, you've been eating somebody's samosas!
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Aah!
0:10:44 > 0:10:46You can overdramatise all you like!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50They're coming to Bradford with us, and that's final!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Aah!
0:10:52 > 0:10:57- SHAZIA:- Well, according to this, she's got acute appendicitis!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59SCREAMING
0:10:59 > 0:11:01THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- Calm, on, everybody, come on. - Oh, shut up! Come on!
0:11:05 > 0:11:09Everybody get out, come on.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Ah! Come on, you.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Oh, eh? You see?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21At least I'm not the idiot, eh? Come on.
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Come on.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Easy.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- Easy.- We're in bay four.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- Are we all in?- Yes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Jaldi, jaldi!- So, if you could...
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- Eh, with my wife, it's best to let me do the talking, huh?- I see.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Well, if you can just ask her to pop herself onto the bed.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Pop yourself onto the bed, sweetie...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48- TRANSLATION:- I'll pop you in a minute, you mad man!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50We'll just help her up.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- Ooh!- That's it.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55If she can make herself as comfortable as possible.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Make yourself as comfortable as possible, sweetie.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00SHE SHOUTS IN URDU
0:12:00 > 0:12:03And a doctor will be along very soon to assess her.
0:12:03 > 0:12:04Why the hell are you talking to him?
0:12:04 > 0:12:06Oh! I thought perhaps you didn't speak English.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Of course I speak English, you stupid woman!
0:12:09 > 0:12:12- She does speak English. - I just swear in Urdu.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:12:14 > 0:12:15What was that?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17I'd rather not say.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20But for the record, I think you've got a very nice nose.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Please, can we just see a doctor?
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I'm sure it will all be OK.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I had appendicitis once and I was fine,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29and after the operation,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31I got to eat ice cream for a whole week.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- That's tonsillitis.- Oh, yes.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It says if gets really bad, the appendix could burst,
0:12:36 > 0:12:40and that can lead to infection and even peritonitis,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42which in extreme cases may lead to...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- SHAZIA GASPS - Oh, my God!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- What! What is it? - My phone's nearly out of charge!
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Ah!- I'll go and get a doctor. - Thank you!
0:12:51 > 0:12:53- Make it a Pakistani one!- Dad!
0:12:53 > 0:12:55OK, doesn't have to be Pakistani.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Just not Indian, huh?
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Or Polish, or Romanian, or Ethiopian, or...
0:13:00 > 0:13:05I think perhaps we ought to give you some privacy.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10- Why don't Amjad and I take my grandson back to my house?- No!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- Don't let her take my...- Don't get yourself excited, sweetie..
0:13:14 > 0:13:17She's going to take our grandson away from us!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20I don't want to be a long-distance grandparent!
0:13:20 > 0:13:24I don't want to miss his first steps, his first words.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26His first lottery win.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- You've got to stop her. - But what about you?
0:13:29 > 0:13:31I'll be fine, just stop her.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33But how? Amjad is his father, after all.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Just find a way!
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Promise me!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Sweetie, you got some skin there!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43She is going to take our grandson to Bradford
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and turn him into a Malik!
0:13:45 > 0:13:46Over my dead body!
0:13:46 > 0:13:49But not yours, though, my darling. KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Just a moment.- What is it?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57He needs his nappy changing, and I'll do it.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- I can't smell anything. - Oh? No sense of smell?
0:14:00 > 0:14:04That'll help you settle in when you move to Bradford.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Come on, Amjad. I need your help.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10- I'm not very good at nappies, sir. - Forget the nappies.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Look, you can't move to Bradford.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14They've got enough Pakistanis there already.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17But Mummy says that it would be good for me to move out
0:14:17 > 0:14:19and to have my own house.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21I've got a better idea.
0:14:21 > 0:14:22We're going to do a DNA test.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24We're going to prove, once and for all
0:14:24 > 0:14:26that Baby Mo is a Khan through and through.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I'm not sure that's a good idea. - Why not?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32I'm not very good at tests, and I haven't brought a pencil.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Amjad, just wait over there with the toys.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38I meant with the boy!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Oh, right.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46DNA test...
0:14:46 > 0:14:47DNA test...
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Where is it?
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Oh!
0:14:50 > 0:14:53I want a DNA test, not do the blooming' washing up!
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Excuse me!- Hai!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Are you a doctor?- What? - Are you a doctor?
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Of course I'm a doctor. I'm Pakistani and I'm in a hospital.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03What else could I be?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05I'm Doctor Khan. And look...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07here's my white coat.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08I took it off to go to the loo, you see?
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Because my long, bendy thing gets stuck in my buttons.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Oh!
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Sorry, Doctor. I'm new here so I don't know everyone yet.- No problem.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24- You're needed in cubicle seven. - What?!- Cubicle seven.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Here we are, Mr Bowyer.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- I've brought Dr Khan to see you. - Salaam Aleikum.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35There's nothing wrong with me, so get out and leave me alone!
0:15:35 > 0:15:36Oh, well, that was easy enough!
0:15:36 > 0:15:40As you can see, Mr Bowyer is being a little bit difficult.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44The next person who touches me is getting a smack in the mouth.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- I think you can take it from here. - Please, Doctor!
0:15:47 > 0:15:50This is Darren Bowyer, 43, he's in a lot of pain,
0:15:50 > 0:15:56he's passed out once already and may have dislocated his shoulder.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Mmm. Mmm. That all seems in order.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Don't you want to examine him?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02..OK.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08- Aargh! - What do you suggest we should do?
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Well, don't touch that for a start. - Touch what?- That.- Aargh!
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- What are you playing at?!- Maybe you should stop pressing there.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18- That was touching. This is pressing.- Aaargh! Get him off me!
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Calm down, sir. Dr Khan knows what he's doing.
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What are you doing?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- I'm just getting a second opinion.- From who?
0:16:25 > 0:16:28My colleague. Dr G...Oogle.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Shall I give him pain killers? Organise an X-ray?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37All of those things. Plus, we'll do a DNA test.
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- A DNA test? Are you sure?- Of course I'm sure! I'm a bloomin' doctor!
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Why do you think I'm wearing this white coat -
0:16:43 > 0:16:44because I'm a cricket umpire(?)
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- Sorry, Doctor!- That's OK. Now you're out.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51Bye.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Don't worry, it'll all be fine!
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Whoops! I nearly did it again there!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Argh! Oh twaddi!
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- I'll just put this back up.- Ohhh!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Put this over there...
0:17:08 > 0:17:11BEEPING What's that?!
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Oh! Heart attack! He's having a heart attack!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18I'll save you!
0:17:24 > 0:17:29Come on! Twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twaddi-twadd...!
0:17:29 > 0:17:31Oh, no!
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Right! I'll get this.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Over here.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Turn it up to the max.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46They do this on Holby Cities!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Ready! Clear!
0:18:06 > 0:18:08GROANING
0:18:08 > 0:18:12- Will the doctor be here soon? - Of course they will. Any moment.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Only I've got meet my mates, so...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Fine! I'll call them and tell them I'll be late.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- You can't do that in here. It's a hospital.- Right! I'll go outside!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23See if you can find a doctor!
0:18:24 > 0:18:26This is the problem with the NHS.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29That's why Mr Malik and I go private.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32I can phone my doctor any time, day or night
0:18:32 > 0:18:34and he will see me straight away.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37- Can't you call him now?- Hardly. He's on holiday in Barbados.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Hi. Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Doctor Shah.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Oh, thank God. It's my mum. - Hello there, Mrs...?- Khan.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- Hello, Mrs Khan. What seems to be the problem?- Well, Doctor...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- it's my daughters.- Sorry?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55One of them is moving away and she's going to take my grandson
0:18:55 > 0:18:57so I'll never see him again.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00And the other one is out all hours and she mixes with the wrong crowd!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- Mum! We think she's got appendicitis.- I see.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- And what makes you think that? - That's what Alia said.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- And Alia is...?- The delinquent.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Right. So she's not medical. - No. But she is single.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Are you married? - Why don't we check on your appendix?
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- Is that sore?- Yes. So you're not married?- Let's not worry about me.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Alia's a very nice girl really.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Very beautiful. Lovely figure.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31Mum, he's not interested in Alia. So what do you think?
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- She does sound nice. - I meant about Mum.- Right, sorry...
0:19:37 > 0:19:40You should meet her, Doctor. I'm sure you'll get on.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44This hospital is rubbish. You can't get a signal anywhere... Oh, hi.
0:19:44 > 0:19:50- Hello.- I'm Alia.- I thought you might be. I'm Kareem.
0:19:52 > 0:19:57- I mean Doctor Shah.- How's Mum? - Much better.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Ah, there you are! What took you so long?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- How's Mr Bowyer doing? - He's much better.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12- How are we doing now, Mr Bowyer? - GROANING
0:20:16 > 0:20:20"And then the little mouse said, let's go and find our friend..."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23Argh!
0:20:23 > 0:20:24"..the fox.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28"And the fox said, let's go and find our friend..."
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Argh!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32"..the badger.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- "And the badger said..." - Amjad.- Hello, sir.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37- Open your mouth.- What for?
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- I need a sample for the DNA test. - But you're not a doctor.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Neither are you, but we got over that.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- Now, open wide...- No.- Amjad!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49What's the next page in your book?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53- Argh!- Thank you.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Now, where's baby Mo? - He's over there sleeping.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- He doesn't like these books. - We need to get him swabbed!
0:21:04 > 0:21:05We won't wake him.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09That's it.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14Here, take this to be tested double quick.
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I hear the Jeremy Kyle show's in town and I want to beat the rush!
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Sweetie! It's all OK. I've taken care of everything.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Where's she gone?
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Urrgh. It smells like something died in here!
0:21:37 > 0:21:43- Mrs Khan!- No!- She must have passed away before they could operate!
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Oh, my God!- They tried to save her but there was nothing they could do!
0:21:47 > 0:21:50No! It can't be!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Why?! Why did this happen?!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58It's all my fault!
0:21:58 > 0:22:00I should have taken more care of you.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Like when I refused to turn up the heating.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08How could I have been so mean?!
0:22:08 > 0:22:12Although I did buy you those thermal socks which you refused to wear.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Don't blame yourself, sir.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18No, I should blame myself.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22I'm a bad husband. I didn't appreciate her enough.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24I didn't tell her I loved her enough.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27You didn't buy her nice presents on her birthday.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29- All right, Amjad.- Sorry, sir.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34It can't be! Not my little gulab jamun.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37Not my sweetie sweetie twinkle binkle!
0:22:38 > 0:22:40Is everything all right?
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- He's a bit upset because Mrs Khan's just died.- No, she hasn't.
0:22:43 > 0:22:45- She's been discharged.- What?
0:22:47 > 0:22:50It wasn't appendicitis, it was trapped wind.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53That explains the smell.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Thank you, God!
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Who's sweetie sweetie twinkle binkle?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Nobody! Shut up. Let's go!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Here we are.- Thank you, beti. And thank you for the lift home.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Well, I wasn't going to sit there waiting for your husband.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18God knows what he's up to.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- How are you feeling, Mum? - Much better.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24The doctor said there was nothing wrong with her.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26No, he said she was stressed.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28He said I have to stop bottling everything up inside.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31I've got to let it all go.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34Well, you certainly managed to do that.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- At least you don't need to worry about Alia any more.- Huh?
0:23:39 > 0:23:41How's it going with Doctor Kareem?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47So I'm like, "SOMY, smiley face," and he's like "No way! CUIMD,"
0:23:47 > 0:23:50so I go, "NIICUF," and he's all, "FBM hashtag Freddy Krueger!"
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It means he likes her.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Well, soon you won't have to worry about Shazia and Baby Mo
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- because they'll be with us in Bradford.- No!
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Where is my grandson anyway?
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- THROAT BEING CLEARED LOUDLY > - That's them.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Let me see my grandson. - No, he's sleeping.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12And he's not your grandson. He's my grandson. Mine and Mrs Khan's.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14That was a close thing -
0:24:14 > 0:24:17- you almost got lumbered with the Pakistani Addams Family!- Rubbish.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Keep out of it, Uncle Fester-ji!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23This baby is more Khan than Malik, and I can prove it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:29- What are you talking about? - I have here the results of a DNA test
0:24:29 > 0:24:34which clearly shows the percentage of Malik DNA in this baby is...
0:24:34 > 0:24:38- zero.- What!- Oh, my God!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41I knew it! 100% Khan!
0:24:41 > 0:24:46Dad, that's impossible. All babies are genetically 50/50.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50- Half mum, half dad.- But, then, what does that DNA test mean?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I think we all know.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Shazia, tell them Amjad is the father of that baby.- I can't.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02- Why not?- Because he isn't. - Oh, my God!
0:25:02 > 0:25:06Amjad's not his father and I'm not its mother.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Because this isn't our baby!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17They were both wearing the same shirt, how was I supposed to know?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Ah, here he is!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21A bit tacky.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Here's your one. And try not to lose him.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31We gave him some samosas, so you might need to change his nappy.
0:25:35 > 0:25:39- It's fine, it's all sorted. - Oh, thank God he's all right.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42Now there can be no more argument.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45The further away from this house baby Mohammad is,
0:25:45 > 0:25:47the safer he's going to be!
0:25:47 > 0:25:53- You idiot! You were supposed to stop her taking him away!- Sweetie!
0:25:53 > 0:25:57If you're going to get stressed again, at least let me open a window.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Don't talk to me!
0:26:01 > 0:26:07Look, my darling, I'm sorry about the baby mix-up.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08And the DNA test.
0:26:08 > 0:26:12But, in the end, it makes sense for them to move.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14They'll have their own house.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16A foot on the property ladder.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I know, but...
0:26:18 > 0:26:21And we can see Baby Mo every day on the Skype and the Facetime.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Wait, do they have computers in Bradford?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28But what about MY baby?
0:26:28 > 0:26:32What about Shazia? She's never been away from us.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Sweetie, she's got her own life now. We have to let her live it.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I suppose you're right.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42And Alia will be going to university soon.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44They've grown up so quickly.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47It seems like only yesterday they were in pigtails,
0:26:47 > 0:26:50doing shows for us in the front room.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Our own little Pakistani Little Mix.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57But we can't hold on to them forever.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Shazia, your mother and I have decided
0:27:02 > 0:27:06to give you, Amjad and Baby Mo our blessing to move.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09After all, if Bradford won't come to Mohammad,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11then Mohammad must go to Bradford.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14We're not going.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- What?- I told Mrs Malik we won't be moving to Bradford.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Oh, my God! Oh, thank God!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22After everything that's happened today,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24I realised we can't leave Sparkhill.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Is that because you need your mother's help looking after the baby?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Because she needs our help looking after you.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34But what about your house and a place of your own?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Maybe Dad can help us out when he wins the Lottery.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40The Lottery! I forgot to buy my ticket!
0:27:44 > 0:27:46These were going to be the winning numbers.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- What, because Baby Mo told you? - Exactly!
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Come on, come on, they must be here somewhere...
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Dad, he's an amazing little boy. But he's not psychic. You do know that.
0:27:57 > 0:28:024, 8, 17, 25, 29, 34... Oh, twaadi-i-i!