0:00:03 > 0:00:07Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16They all know me. Do you like my suit?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Number one Citizen Khan.
0:00:22 > 0:00:25Assalaamu Alaikum, my boobtube followers.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29I'll assume you said "walaikum salaam" there.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Now, I know what you're thinking - we Muslims are all over the telly.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Always on the news.
0:00:35 > 0:00:36But it's not all bad news.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Sometimes it's good news too.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Here's my free copy of the Sparkhill Gazette.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Lots of good Muslim stories in here. Let's have a look.
0:00:45 > 0:00:49Ah-hah, Mr Ali won the weekly Sudoku competition. Oh, yeah.
0:00:50 > 0:00:55Ah, the halal butchers on Stoney Lane is going to be open 24 hours!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Ah, this is brilliant.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The Moseley Muslim Theatre Group is putting on their own version
0:01:02 > 0:01:05of Swan Lake but without the dancing.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Oh, yes, and Amjad's dad got knocked down by the number 37 bus.
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Ah, poor Mr Malik. I can't believe he's gone.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Still, I suppose a part of him will always be with us.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Is she keeping his toupee?
0:01:31 > 0:01:35- Idiot.- What? That thing had a life of its own!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38It was like he was balancing a guinea pig on his head.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Have some respect for the dead. - Are you sure it's dead?
0:01:41 > 0:01:46It's probably scrabbling at the coffin lid trying to get out!
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Poor Mrs Malik is suffering.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Just try and be a little bit more sensitive.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Fine, I'll be sensitive.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57So, hit by a bus, eh?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04It's just such a shock.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05Of course.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07I can't believe he's gone.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12No.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14It's so kind of you to let me stay here,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17especially since your house is so much smaller than mine.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23Hang on, are they my birthday truffles?!
0:02:23 > 0:02:26That's the last one.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- What?- I'm sorry. I found them in the kitchen.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31I hid them in a tin in the top cupboard.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33That's where I found them.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39It's no problem. What's Mr Khan's is yours, isn't it?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Yes, I suppose so.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45Would you like some of my varicose veins too?
0:02:48 > 0:02:53The worst part is, what if people think he was waiting for a bus?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I mean, we haven't used public transport for 20 years.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- Right. - He just didn't see it coming.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04He should have checked the timetable.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08No, he was...distracted.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10Oh, was he on the phone?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12The wind blew his hairpiece over his eyes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15HE STIFLES A LAUGH
0:03:15 > 0:03:18Oh, dear.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21I told him so many times, "Don't go out when it's too windy,"
0:03:21 > 0:03:24but he never listened.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26I can tell you're shocked.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30You didn't know he wore a hairpiece.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I had no idea. Did you?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Oh, no!
0:03:35 > 0:03:38I had no idea at all.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I mean, it looked so...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42lifelike(!)
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Would you excuse us for a minute? - What?
0:03:47 > 0:03:50What is wrong with you? You should be supporting Mrs Malik.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Sweetie, there aren't enough truffles in the world
0:03:53 > 0:03:55to support that woman!
0:03:55 > 0:03:58And what about Amjad? He needs our support too.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I know this is a difficult time for everyone,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04but I'm just trying to get on with normal life.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08We Pakistanis are very good at making the best of a bad situation.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11Why do you think there are so many of us in Birmingham?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Shazia's worried about him. She says he's very stressed.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19He'll be OK.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22- Why don't you offer to help with the funeral arrangements?- I can't.
0:04:22 > 0:04:26I've got to go and see the bank manager about my new business idea.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29- I need an investor.- Unbelievable!
0:04:29 > 0:04:30You're worried about investors
0:04:30 > 0:04:32when your son-in-law's just lost his father.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35We've all got our problems, sweetie!
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I've got high heating bills,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40my back's still playing up,
0:04:40 > 0:04:43and next door's cat keeps pooping in our patio!
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Look, let me show you my business idea.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Now, imagine we're somewhere romantic,
0:04:50 > 0:04:53like the time I took you to the Taj Mahal.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56You've never taken me to the Taj Mahal.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Yes, I have, the one on the Stratford Road.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02You had the lamb bhuna, remember?
0:05:02 > 0:05:04Oh, yeah, that one.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05So we want to take a selfie,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08but, oh, no, you forgot to bring the selfie stick.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12- Me?!- Yes, but it's not a problem.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Not with Mr Khan's sewn-into-your-suit selfie stick!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22There you are, perfect!
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Now, get ready to say cheese.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Activating extension mode.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31CAT MEOWS
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Serves you right!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I don't think Amjad's coping very well.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I think the stress is getting to him.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46He doesn't look stressed to me.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Just talk to him, OK?- OK, OK.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Hello, Amjad.- Hello, sir.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- How you doing? Not too stressed? - No, I'm not too stressed at all.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Everything's perfectly fine.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I'm not too stressed at all.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02You see, he's not too stressed at all.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04I've got to get to the mosque.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10- Budhoo.- Yes, ladoo.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12I think you've forgotten something.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Oh.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Not that.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20HE SHRIEKS
0:06:21 > 0:06:24- Dad, can you do something?- OK, fine.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I don't think I can do this, sir.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Amjad, you can. You just need to put your trousers on first.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Maybe you should take over the funeral arrangements.
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Amjad, it's very easy. Muslim funerals are all about speed.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Pray-pray, cry-cry, dig-dig, bish-bosh!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48But, sir, the funeral's this afternoon and I've got all
0:06:48 > 0:06:52- his papers to sort out and I have to get to the mosque.- So?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Apparently there's going to be loads of important people there
0:06:55 > 0:06:56to pay their respects.
0:06:56 > 0:06:59Colleagues, investors...
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Say that again.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Colleagues.- No, not that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- Investors.- That's the one.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You know, Amjad, maybe you're right.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Maybe I SHOULD take over the funeral arrangements, huh?
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Thank you, sir.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I don't want you to worry about anything.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27You just stay here, relax and enjoy yourself.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Not enjoy yourself.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I mean, be sad...in a good way!
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Thank you, sir. You're my rock.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50He was stressed so I've just been relieving him of his tension.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Assalaamu Alaikum. Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Walaikum salaam, Riaz.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Hello, Dave.- A sad day.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Why? Aston Villa sacked their manager again?
0:08:11 > 0:08:14Oh, you mean... Yes, of course.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Very sad. Very, very sad.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22We've just been going over the arrangements for the funeral.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25Yes, we have to perform the burial ritual, do the prayers and
0:08:25 > 0:08:28the body has to be buried today with the head facing Mecca.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30What you telling us for? We know.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33I'm the funeral director. It's all I've got!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37There are also quite a few well-wishers here
0:08:37 > 0:08:39who want to pay their respects to the family.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Yes, I'll be taking care of all of that.- You?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44I didn't think you and Mr Malik were that friendly?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Oh, yes, me and Wiggy were very close.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50People said you could hardly see the join.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53Shouldn't that really be Amjad's role?
0:08:53 > 0:08:57You're right, it should be Amjad but he's gone a bit...whoo-hoo!
0:08:57 > 0:09:02So, he's left me in charge of everything.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04He said I'm his rock.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Hmm, maybe I should offer him some pastoral support?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Back off, Dave. I'm his stick of rock.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12He doesn't need a gingerbread man too.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17- So you're here to represent the family?- That's right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I'll be leading all the important funeral duties like dealing
0:09:20 > 0:09:24with anyone who's coming to pay their investments...respects!
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28ALL: Walaikum salaam.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- I've come to offer my condolences... - That'll be me!
0:09:32 > 0:09:36- You're condoling me.- Thank you. - It means a lot.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42You see, Mr Malik and I were very close friends.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Very close.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Were you a business partner of Mr Malik?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51No.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Off you go.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- So you're going to do everything that Amjad would have done?- Yes.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- Got a problem with that? - No.- Good. What's first?
0:10:01 > 0:10:04The ceremonial washing of the dead body.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Oh, twaddi!
0:10:12 > 0:10:15You know, I find this a very moving part of the funeral ritual.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Don't you, Mr Khan? Mr Khan?
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I thought it'd be easier to wash this in the sink.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Has anyone got any conditioner?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Are you OK, Mr Khan? I know that must have been hard for you.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes, it was.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I had to really work the shampoo in to get a lather.
0:10:42 > 0:10:45So, where are all these business investors, ah?
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:10:49 > 0:10:50Walaikum salaam.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- I am looking for Amjad Malik. - He's not here.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Mrs Malik, then? - She's not here either.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- Can you pass on a message? - Yes, yes, sorry for their loss,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- I'll let them know.- No, no.
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- I am a business partner of the late Mr Malik.- A business partner?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08That is right.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:11:10 > 0:11:15Mr Khan, K...H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20- Mr Malik probably mentioned me. - No.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Did he mention him to you?- And...
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Who might this be? - This is my daughter, Pinky.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Oh, what a lovely name.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33Back off.
0:11:33 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Right.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38I'll be looking after all of Mr Malik's business affairs,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42including his savings and investments, investments mainly.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Well, it is his investments I want to talk about.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Excellent. Me too.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Actually, gentlemen, now is not really the right time or place.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- Perhaps later, after... - Shut up, Dave.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02- Let's talk numbers, ah?- OK.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Mr Malik owes me 100 lakh.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14- What?- He owes us 100 grand.- What?!
0:12:14 > 0:12:15He means 100,000 pounds.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20Yes, OK, Dave. I do know what it means, thank you.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23But now he is dead.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29That means you owe me £100,000.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:12:32 > 0:12:35One-hundred-thousand-pounds!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:39But there is no rush,
0:12:39 > 0:12:43so long as you get me the cash by lunchtime.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Otherwise, Pinky may get very upset.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51And you don't want that, do you?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54No! And that's a pinky promise.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02What kind of business partner is he?
0:13:02 > 0:13:04He's not a business partner.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08He's an illegal bookmaker.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Oh, twaddi.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12I wanted an investor, and instead I've ended up with
0:13:12 > 0:13:15a Pakistani Paddy Power!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:27- Hi, Babu dhe.- Hello, beti. - Isn't it awful about Mr Malik?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- Yes.- You never know what to say.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32When I found out, I texted Mrs Malik,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35OMG, coffin picture, sad face.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38LAUGHTER
0:13:38 > 0:13:40What did we do before we had emojis?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- Where is she now?- She's in the living room hogging the sofa.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's like, I know you've lost your husband and whatever, but,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47hello, I've got nowhere to sit.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Never mind nowhere to sit. Soon SHE'S going to have nowhere to live.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- What do you mean?- Mr Malik was broke!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01The house, the car, the gold-plated hot tub,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04none of it was really his.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Just like his hair!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08LAUGHTER
0:14:08 > 0:14:10So Mrs Malik's not very, very rich?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13No, she's very, very poor.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Brilliant!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17LAUGHTER
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- And she has no idea?- No.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22He kept his secret life of casinos and showgirls
0:14:22 > 0:14:25completely hidden from her.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27- Wow.- I know.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30I must admit, I'm liking him more and more.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:37- What are you going to do?- I'm going to have to tell her.- Can I come?
0:14:37 > 0:14:39LAUGHTER
0:14:39 > 0:14:43I'm going to have Italian marble for the work surfaces
0:14:43 > 0:14:45and handmade oak cabinets.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49Wow, this new kitchen sounds amazing.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51It's what he would have wanted.
0:14:51 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:55We always said, "There's nothing worse than having to live
0:14:55 > 0:14:57"with a cheap and nasty kitchen."
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Well, I don't need to tell you.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:06HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:15:06 > 0:15:07Mrs Malik has just been telling me
0:15:07 > 0:15:10about the new kitchen she's getting.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Isn't it too soon?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Maybe you should wait before spending any money.
0:15:14 > 0:15:18After all, you never know what might be round the corner.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Mr Malik certainly didn't.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:26I mean, perhaps you should even think of downsizing.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Downsizing?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Yes.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31In more ways than one.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36No, look, maybe you should also think of selling your house, ah?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39You don't want to be in that big house all on your own,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41you poor thing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44You poor, poor, POOR thing.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:48I don't need to worry about being alone in the house.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- I won't be back there for months. - What?!
0:15:51 > 0:15:54I've booked myself on a Caribbean cruise.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56It's what he would have wanted.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58LAUGHTER
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Won't that be very expensive?
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It might seem expensive to someone of your means.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- AUDIENCE:- Ohhh!
0:16:06 > 0:16:08But don't worry...
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Mr Malik will have left me in the money.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13He's left you in the something.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Well, perhaps it's time we went and got changed, yes?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Mrs Khan is going to help me dress for the funeral.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Mr Malik always liked to see me look a million dollars.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Good luck.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Mrs Malik...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- There's something I need to tell you.- Yes?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36I'm afraid I have some terrible news,
0:16:36 > 0:16:39and it's not that we've run out of biscuits.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:41What is it?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43This might come as a bit of a shock.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48Mr Khan, after all I've been through, nothing more can shock me.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Mr Malik lost all his money to an illegal bookmaker.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54You're completely broke.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59LAUGHTER
0:16:59 > 0:17:01APPLAUSE
0:17:04 > 0:17:06Brilliant!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:09Typical!
0:17:09 > 0:17:12You wait years for one Malik to die,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14and then two snuff it at the same time!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17LAUGHTER
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- She's not dead, Babu dhe, she just fainted.- Thank God for that!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23We can't afford to bury her as well.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Right. I'll go and get a glass of water.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You stay here and make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I wouldn't put it past her.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:34CAMERA CLICKS
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- Hello, sir.- Hello, Amjad. - Where's Mummy?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42She's just having a bit of a lie down.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47I just wanted to say thank you for standing in for me at the mosque.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- I owe you one. - You owe a bit more than that.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- What?- Listen, I need to talk to you about your father's business.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57Oh, good. I want to talk about Daddy too.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00I've decided I'm going to say a few words about him at the funeral.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03OK. But about your father's business...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05He was so well respected.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08I don't think I can ever live up to his reputation.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11I wouldn't worry too much about that if I were you.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Now, look, about the business...
0:18:12 > 0:18:15He was such a good daddy to me when I was little.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18And he loved little Mo and baby Nadiya too.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23And now he won't ever see them grow up.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- AUDIENCE:- Aw.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30And they'll never know their grandad.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35But I'll tell them what a good man he was.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Everybody looked up to him, didn't they?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Yes, they did.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- What did you want to talk to me about?- Nothing, Amjad.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Your father was a great man and he'd be very proud of you.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Oh...
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Oh.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00I've just had the most horrible dream.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I dreamt that Mr Malik had died and that
0:19:02 > 0:19:04he'd gambled away all our money.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Well, your dreams have come true!
0:19:10 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:17And Mr Malik really has died!
0:19:20 > 0:19:21But...
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- He didn't lose all your money. - Thank God!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Mr Khan?
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Just making sure he's looking his best.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Perfect.- We should take the body to the cemetery now.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Oh, and Mr Gul is looking for you.
0:19:45 > 0:19:49- Right.- Did you tell Mrs Malik and Amjad that...you know...
0:19:49 > 0:19:54No, I didn't, Dave. I want Amjad to bury his father with pride.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58Well, that's very noble. So are you going to pay the 100,000?
0:19:58 > 0:20:03- No blooming way!- So who is?- I don't know. No-one has any money.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05Well, so, what are you going to do?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08I'll just get Mrs Malik to tell the Pakistani Paddy Power
0:20:08 > 0:20:11that he'll get his money after the funeral.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- What?! How are you going to do that? - Ah-ha!
0:20:14 > 0:20:15Allow me to introduce...
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Mrs Malik!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Oh, no.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25No, no, no.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28What?! It's perfect.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30I'll do all the talking,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Riaz just has to stand there looking like a lady.
0:20:34 > 0:20:35No problem.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38I mean, no problem.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I'm sorry, I can't allow you to do this.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44Oh, right. What are you saying?
0:20:44 > 0:20:46That men shouldn't wear women's clothes?
0:20:46 > 0:20:47Well, no, of course not.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Obviously, I'm in favour of
0:20:49 > 0:20:53a non-binary definition of gender identity.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I thought you might be.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59But they'll never believe he's a woman. I mean, look at him!
0:20:59 > 0:21:01LAUGHTER
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- You're right.- Thank you.- I know what he needs.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05What are you doing?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Boobies.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:11One in there.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15There we are. Much better.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17KNOCK AT THE DOOR
0:21:17 > 0:21:19Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- BOTH:- Walaikum salaam.
0:21:21 > 0:21:25If I didn't know any better, Khan saab,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28I would say you have been avoiding me.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Hello.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32SHE SOBS
0:21:32 > 0:21:37Mr Gul. May I introduce you to Mrs Malik.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39SHE SOBS
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Assalaamu Alaikum.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42I am so sorry for your loss.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44SHE SOBS
0:21:44 > 0:21:47She's still too upset to talk.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Of course, I understand.
0:21:50 > 0:21:56Mrs Malik is prepared to honour her husband's debt.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Is that so, Mrs Malik?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:04SHE SOBS
0:22:04 > 0:22:11That is acceptable. Perhaps, when you are ready to move on,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14we might get to know each other a little better?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:20All in good time, all in good time!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23This must have come as a bit of a shock.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24You're not kidding!
0:22:24 > 0:22:28I must say, he looks pretty good.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32The undertaker has done a first-rate job.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- RIAZ:- Wow! Thank you very much.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER
0:22:37 > 0:22:38Oh, twaddi!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- I can explain!- I want my money!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Hang on, how do we know that Mr Malik owes you anything?
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's all in here.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48LAUGHTER
0:22:48 > 0:22:51- Look, I haven't got your money. - Then I will get it from the boy.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53He will be at the cemetery,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57and I will tell him all about what his daddy was really like.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- I can't let you do that!- Really?!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I'm going to enjoy this!
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- No violence, please, this is a house of God.- Cut it, Ron Weasley.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:14Wait! Can I just have something for Mrs Khan to remember me by?
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Like what?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16A selfie?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Say cheese!
0:23:25 > 0:23:26Wow.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- Pinky.- Go on, get it!
0:23:30 > 0:23:34THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I will get my money!
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Just get back. I told you Muslim funerals were speedy.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Right, you stay with him, Dave, go on!
0:23:49 > 0:23:52HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- Ameen.- ALL:- Ameen.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Right, come on, come on, Riaz can't sit on that coffin forever.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Mr Khan, do you know we are supposed to do the burial
0:24:00 > 0:24:01before the imam conducts prayers.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03If we don't get a move on, Dave,
0:24:03 > 0:24:05there's going to be another funeral today.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Who's?- Mine!
0:24:07 > 0:24:09Oh, come on, let's get this filled.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15The imam wants to know if anybody would like to say a few words first?
0:24:15 > 0:24:17No, we've got to get on with it! Jaldi, jaldi!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20I'd like to say something.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Do you mind, sir?
0:24:21 > 0:24:23No.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24I don't mind, Amjad.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Whenever you're ready.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Daddy didn't talk much.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34And...it was hard to tell what he was thinking most of the time.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40So I don't know if any of us got to know him really well.
0:24:40 > 0:24:46But what I do know is that he loved me and Mummy very much,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48and I never doubted that for a second.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49He was quiet.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53And kind.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56And he was my hero.
0:24:58 > 0:24:59I'm proud of you, budhoo.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I want to go now, beta.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It's OK, Amjad.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09You take your mother and the others back to the house.
0:25:09 > 0:25:10I'll take care of the rest, ah?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Go on, go on, go on, go on.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Come on, come on. Jaldi, jaldi, jaldi. Come on.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19LAUGHTER
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Mr Khan!- What?
0:25:27 > 0:25:28Oh, twaddi!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Oh, God!
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- Come on, budhoo, let's go home. - Shouldn't we wait for Mr Khan?
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It's OK, beta, I think he's saying goodbye in his own way. Chalo.
0:25:45 > 0:25:50Come on, jaldi, jaldi. Jaldi. Come on! Come on, hurry, hurry.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Help! Help!
0:26:00 > 0:26:03- IMITATES WOMAN'S VOICE: - I mean, help! Help!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:07 > 0:26:10- Where is he?- Who?- Khan!
0:26:11 > 0:26:13I haven't seen him.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Have you seen him?- ALL:- No.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17This isn't over!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21POLICE SIREN WAILS
0:26:21 > 0:26:24It is now.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25LAUGHTER
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Are you OK, Mummy?
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Ah, I'll miss him, though.- Me too.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38SHE GASPS
0:26:38 > 0:26:43- What is it?- It's just... There was something I was going to keep.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46- To remember him by.- What?- His...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48LAUGHTER
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Never mind. It's too late now.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Get me out of here!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER