0:00:03 > 0:00:07Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham - the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15They all know me.
0:00:15 > 0:00:16You like my suit?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Number one, Citizen Khan.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28Hey! Goal! You know, this is the best present ever.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30It's better than anything Amjad has given me.
0:00:30 > 0:00:34- I gave you two grandchildren? - That was mostly Shazia.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I wouldn't stand there if I were you. You'll get hurt!
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I can't believe I've known you guys for nearly a year now.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43You've been so welcoming
0:00:43 > 0:00:46- and I know I'm not exactly what you had in mind for Alia.
0:00:46 > 0:00:51Scabby, don't be silly. We all think you're great. Don't we, Amjad?
0:00:51 > 0:00:52He's all right.
0:00:52 > 0:00:57Hey, look, I've even got a Pakistani team, huh?
0:00:57 > 0:01:01Look! It's Athletico Rawalpindi! KHAN LAUGHS
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Get in.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh, twaddi.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Maybe it's time for a substitution.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Oh...
0:01:10 > 0:01:13KHAN LAUGHS
0:01:13 > 0:01:16It's Bobby Moore, Hamid and his cousins.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Hey, do you remember the time we tried to get into
0:01:18 > 0:01:22the Villa Park away, pretending to be Cardiff City supporters?
0:01:22 > 0:01:24THEY LAUGH
0:01:24 > 0:01:25All right, boyo?
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Hey, if you say in a Pakistani accent, 'All right, boyo?'
0:01:28 > 0:01:30THEY LAUGH
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- Oh, sir, remember that time when we tried to get...?- No.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37Am, for the final time, I wouldn't stand there if I were you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Sorry, sir.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Look out for my super shooter!
0:01:45 > 0:01:46AMJAD STRAINS
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Oh! I missed the ball!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I don't think you did.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04# One-nil to the Pakistan!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# One-nil to the Pakistan! #
0:02:07 > 0:02:11I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan! I said, ooh, ah, Mr Khan!
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Oh, hello, beti.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Hi.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Ah, it's for Amjad. He hurt...
0:02:17 > 0:02:19KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT ..he hurt himself.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"Eases pain and reduces inflammation".
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Hm. Oh, well. You can't have everything, huh?
0:02:27 > 0:02:28Everything OK?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33- I get my exam results today. - Oh, you mean your A-level retakes?
0:02:35 > 0:02:36Re-retakes?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39Re-re-retakes?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Three takes!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45It's getting embarrassing.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49- I'm never going to get to go to university.- Alia, beti...
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It doesn't matter.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I never went to university and look at me, I turned out all right.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00People like us don't need to go to university.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04We just get by on our looks, huh? Look.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I suppose.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Anyway, you know you can live with your mummy and daddy
0:03:11 > 0:03:15- for as long as you want. - I'm not a baby any more, papati.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Of course not, huh? You're very independent, huh?
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Here.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Have some money.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24KHAN LAUGHS
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Oh, you know, I remember when your mother was your age,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32she lived at home with her parents back in Pakistan,
0:03:32 > 0:03:37while I was here trying to make my way, and eventually, she joined me.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39We got married and...
0:03:39 > 0:03:43we began a whole new life together.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Just the two of us.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50And then, Naani kept visiting and now we're back where we started.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52That's funny, because...
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I was thinking I might do the same thing as you.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56You want to put Naani in a home, too?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58No.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01I was thinking about... getting married?
0:04:01 > 0:04:05What? Absolutely not! I forbid it!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- You don't want me to marry Scab? - Scabby? Of course!
0:04:09 > 0:04:14- That would be amazeballs.- You do like him, don't you?- Like him?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- I think he's great. - He's really nice.- Huh...
0:04:18 > 0:04:21And kind and considerate...
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- And caring.- Yeah.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- I like the way he laughs at all your jokes.- Me too.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30And the way he makes you feel better,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32even when you're feeling down.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39The other day, Scabby and I, we took a walk in the park,
0:04:39 > 0:04:43feeding the birds, when Scabby turned round and said...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45Anyone would think you were in love with him.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Not in love with him, sweetie, we just get on really well and...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I don't know. It just feels different with him.
0:04:51 > 0:04:53So... you approve?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Of course I approve!
0:04:55 > 0:04:59You've made me the happiest man in Sparkhill!
0:04:59 > 0:05:01KHAN LAUGHS
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I said, ooh, ah, Alia! I said ooh, ah, Alia!
0:05:04 > 0:05:06KHAN WHOOPS AND LAUGHS
0:05:12 > 0:05:14You're not going to believe what's just happened!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16You bought me that's dishwasher from Currys.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- No.- Oh. What, then?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Well, after keeping us waiting for nearly a year,
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Alia's finally decided to get married.- Oh, my God!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- That's what I said.- To Scabby? - Of course to Scabby.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33- Isn't it amazing?- Has he done the right thing and popped the question?
0:05:33 > 0:05:36Not yet, he's probably just waiting for the right moment to catch me.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Not you! Her!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- Oh, right. Well, I'm sure he will, any minute.- How do you know?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Because Alia said that she wants him to.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49And between you and me, she's quite good at getting what she wants.
0:05:49 > 0:05:54Really? Right! We need to get organised.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- What's that?- The seating plan for Alia's wedding.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Hang on.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05Mrs Jamil, dead. Mr Adil, dead. Mrs Adil? Very dead!
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- That's because I made it on the day she was born.- Huh.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Oh, well. At least it will be a cheap wedding.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14No, it won't. There's so much to do.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19We have to book a venue, order invitations, sort the caterers.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- We haven't even met his parents yet. - Of course.
0:06:22 > 0:06:23We should sit down with them
0:06:23 > 0:06:25and make all the important arrangements,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28like how much of the wedding they're paying for.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Dad, what have you done to Amjad?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32He's fine. Here.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Hey, have you heard the exciting news about Alia and Scabby?
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- They're getting married.- What? - I'm doing the guest list.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40We need to organise it early
0:06:40 > 0:06:43so it doesn't turn into a disaster, like...
0:06:43 > 0:06:45previous weddings involving some of our other children.
0:06:45 > 0:06:46KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:06:46 > 0:06:49You know, I always thought if ever I were to have
0:06:49 > 0:06:51a son-in-law, it would be someone like Scabby.
0:06:51 > 0:06:57- Dad...- Hm?- You do have a son-in-law. - Oh, yes. Sorry, Amjad.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58That's OK, sir.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I suppose son-in-laws are just like your own children, huh?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04You make a mistake with the first one,
0:07:04 > 0:07:06but you get it right the second time around.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11No. No, stop it. Stop it!
0:07:11 > 0:07:14There they are! The happy couple!
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Oh...
0:07:18 > 0:07:20Are you waiting for someone to give you a ring?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- KHAN LAUGHS - Leave them alone!
0:07:23 > 0:07:26So, Scabby, we were just saying,
0:07:26 > 0:07:29maybe it's about time we got together with your parents.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- What?- Me and Mr Khan, we should meet up with your parents.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- I'm sure we'll have a lot to talk about.- Um...
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Well, you can't.- Why not?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42They... live out of town, er, miles away, miles, in fact
0:07:42 > 0:07:46and dad, er, drinks and mum is pretty, you know,
0:07:46 > 0:07:50- so it's very hard to get them out the house.- OK...
0:07:50 > 0:07:54Ooh, erm, yeah, I've got to go, but thanks. I'll see you.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Khodafez.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Papati! What have you done?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- SHAZIA:- His parents don't live out of town.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05They live in a swanky bit of Edgbaston.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08They're members of that fancy country club.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Debbie says they're always down there.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13But why would he lie about his parents?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- Maybe he doesn't want you to meet them.- Why not?
0:08:16 > 0:08:18We haven't got a problem with Scab.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Maybe they have a problem with Alia.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Maybe she isn't exactly what they were expecting.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26- You mean...?- What?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- ..they don't approve of her?- What?
0:08:30 > 0:08:32She's not good enough for them!
0:08:32 > 0:08:34How dare they! Go on, Amjad!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Huh? Where are we going, sir? - The country club.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Would we be swimming?
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Because I should wait till the swelling goes down?
0:08:43 > 0:08:47Maybe you shouldn't get involved? If it's not meant to be?
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Rubbish, I won't let them stand in the way
0:08:49 > 0:08:51of those two young people's happiness.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56She's perfect for him and he's perfect for me. Her! Her! Her!
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Come on! KHAN CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Wow! Look at this place! It's very exclusive.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It doesn't impress me, Amjad.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18All the people in these country clubs are posh old blazer types. Ha!
0:09:18 > 0:09:21You know, part of the old boys network.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- You know what that is, don't you?- I think so.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26It's on our cable package, but Shazia doesn't let
0:09:26 > 0:09:28me watch those channels.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER
0:09:29 > 0:09:33No! They all go to the same school. You know, give each other jobs.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37They're like one big family, even bigger than a Pakistani one.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39But, sir, you're old and a boy.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Why aren't you part of the network?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Amjad, the people in these old boy networks wear stripy ties,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46old-fashioned suits and talk in a funny accent.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48They're nothing like me.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49- LAUGHTER - OK.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51They're all probably part of the Masons, you know,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54with rolled-up trousers and the funny handshakes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Right.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:09:58 > 0:10:02Khan. K, H for hat, A for Asian, N for knowledge.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:08I'm trying to get my hands on a certain Scabby.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Oh, I get it. The funny handshake, fine.
0:10:25 > 0:10:26HE SPITS
0:10:28 > 0:10:29HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES
0:10:31 > 0:10:32- Hi, love.- Hi.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Have you been waiting long? Where are we going for lunch?
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Come on, Amjad. Jaldi. Jaldi.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- We've looked everywhere!- We can't give up now.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51This is my daughter's happiness we're talking about.
0:10:51 > 0:10:55Mr Scabby doesn't think my Pakistani family's good enough.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58Who does he think he is? Donald Trumps?
0:10:58 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:03- Maybe he's a racialist. - I'm not going to stand for that.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- When we see him, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.- Me too.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Good boy. Not too much, though, ah? You haven't got a lot to spare.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:14What should we say to him?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Well, we'll tell him he's a snooty nose and a racialist,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20and he can take his hoity-toity country club
0:11:20 > 0:11:22- and stick it right up his...- That!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25That's Scab's Dad. His real name's Mr Rogers.
0:11:25 > 0:11:26Well, where is he then?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- Maybe he's in the sauna. - The what?- The sauna.
0:11:30 > 0:11:31You do know what a sauna is?
0:11:31 > 0:11:33HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Of course!
0:11:34 > 0:11:38Of course I know what a sauna is. I'm not an idiot!
0:11:46 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Are you all right?
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Yes, thank you.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Aren't you a bit hot?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Noooo.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER Oh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:20- You do know this is a sauna? - Of course.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24This is how we dress in Pakistani saunas.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I didn't know saunas were the thing in Pakistan.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Oh, yes! We've got the biggest sauna in the world.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33It's called Karachi.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:40THEY LAUGH
0:12:41 > 0:12:44THEY SIGH
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- Are you looking for someone? - A snotty posh man.- Take your pick.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54This place is full of uppity members.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:12:59You can say that again.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- You seem fairly normal. - Normal for Birmingham, anyway.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05THEY LAUGH
0:13:06 > 0:13:09But my money is just as good as theirs.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10And I've got a lot more of it.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14What line of business are you in?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Taxi driver.- You sound like a Pakistani!
0:13:17 > 0:13:20THEY LAUGH
0:13:20 > 0:13:23When I say driver, I've got my own private hire firm.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25- Executive chauffeurs.- Oh.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- They're all Mercedes.- Wow!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Andy Rogers. Pleased to meet you.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Hang on! Your Mr Scabby.- Eh?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- I'm Mr Khan, Alia's Daddy.- Ha!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- Fancy meeting you here.- I know!- Oh, she's a lovely girl, Alia.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Yeah, we always wondered why we haven't met her parents.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- You know, we thought maybe... - Hello, sir.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Hello, Amjad. This is Mr Scabby.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55AMJAD GASPS
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- The racialist!- What?!
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- Amjad, no, no.- It's OK, sir. Leave this to me.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Who do you think you are?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Looking down your nose at us.- Amjad, you silly.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11What are you talking about?
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- You said he was a snooty racist. - No, no, no, no.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I didn't! I didn't, I didn't say that. I didn't say that!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19Yes, you did. Don't you remember?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22We're going to give him a piece of our minds.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24I don't know what he's talking about.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27Shh.
0:14:27 > 0:14:32We're Pakistani. If you don't want us, we don't want you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35And you can stick your hoity-toity country club right up your...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38Oops! Butterfingers!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Maybe I should be going.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42No, wait! It's all been a misunderstanding.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Whatever you say.
0:14:45 > 0:14:46Oh, twaddi!
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- Are you hot, sir.- Of course I'm hot!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52They've got the blooming central heating turned up.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56WATER SPLASHES
0:14:56 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:08APPLAUSE
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Are you ready? They'll be here any minute, ah?
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Couldn't you have given me more time?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Why did you have to invite them round tonight?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Because we want to meet them, and they want to meet us.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20And I might have accidentally called him a snooty racist.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25- Oh, my God!- It's fine. Just be nice and give them whatever they want.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28They're a very well-off family. Alia will be set up for life.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30You want me to be happy, don't you?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Yes, of course, but...
0:15:32 > 0:15:33DOORBELL RINGS
0:15:33 > 0:15:34Oh! That's them!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Come in! Come in!
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- Ooh! What a lovely house!- Thank you.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Mrs Khan.
0:15:42 > 0:15:46- Would you like a pakora? - Oh, yes, please, I love a pakora.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50- We love a pakora, don't we, And? - We do. We love a pakora.- oh, good.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Because we're not racist.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56LAUGHTER
0:15:56 > 0:15:58No, thank you, sweetie,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02These aren't for eating. We play a game with them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05Have you heard of rock, paper, scissors?
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Well, we play the Pakistani version. Pakora, paper, scissors.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11PAKORA CLUNKS ON PLATE
0:16:11 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER
0:16:13 > 0:16:14That sounds like fun.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17We love learning about different cultures, don't we, And?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Yeah, we do, yeah.- Oh, good. - Because we're not racist.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26Yes, um, well, please, please.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31And about earlier, that was all a misunderstanding, ah?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36I didn't really think you were racist. I thought you were posh.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39But, obviously, you're not posh,
0:16:39 > 0:16:42I mean, you're actually very common.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Not, not common! You're all white!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49All right! All right! Right.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50Right.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Would you like something to drink?- Good idea.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- I fancy a cocktail. - Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any...
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- No! We can do cocktails. No problem.- What?!- Are you sure?
0:17:01 > 0:17:03I mean, what with you being Muslim.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Oh! Muslim Shuslim!
0:17:06 > 0:17:08LAUGHTER
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Well, you know, we wouldn't want to be culturally insensitive.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12- Oh!- Stop being a grumpy drawers,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14they're obviously just not very strict.
0:17:14 > 0:17:16You're just not very strict, are you?
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Exactly. We're just not very strict.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24We love the alcohols and this beard...
0:17:24 > 0:17:25hipster.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, go on, then, I'll have a cocktail too.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Yes, something with a bit of a kick to it.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- No problem.- You can't...
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- Shut up, sweetie.- Are you mad?! We can't give them cocktails to drink.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- It's haram.- They're our guests. We need to make them feel at home.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45GLASSES CHINK
0:17:45 > 0:17:47It's for Alia, remember.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50But we don't have any alcohol in the house.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Oh, you must have something.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54What about the stuff you clean the windows with, ah?
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- You can't give them cleaning fluid to drink.- Why not?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59You gave them rocks to eat.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:04- Nanny's cough syrup.- What?! - Where is the medicine box?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Here we are. Oh, twaddi.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12She's got enough in there to keep her going for another 80 years!
0:18:12 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:20- Ah, here we are.- What are you doing?!
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Shouldn't it be fizzy? Beers and G & T's are fizzy.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- I really don't think we should do this.- Aha!
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Hm-mm-mm!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Here we are. That'll sort it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Ah, look at that!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Needs to be more fizzy. Think of champagne.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Champagne is always fizzy, ah?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You're going to tell them this is champagne?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Pakistani champagne like French champagne, but browner.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- This will do it. Alka-Seltzer.- No!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- No!- Beti, trust me, I know what I'm doing.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:08HE HUMS
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Perfect.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14Here we are. Get stuck into that.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- ALL:- Cheers.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:25Interesting.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29It's Pakistani champagne.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31Mm, it tastes more like a liqueur, doesn't it, And?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34It does, it tastes more like a liqueur.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36It's a Pakistani champagne liqueur.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Oh, it's gone straight to my head.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42Reminds me of being on holiday.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44All them fancy drinks you get out there.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- What's that stuff we drink in Marbs, And?- Oh, I can't remember.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Oh, that's what happens if you drink too much of it.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:19:54 > 0:19:58MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:20:00 > 0:20:02We love Marbs, don't we, babes?
0:20:02 > 0:20:04We do. We love Marbs.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Oh, we love it too!
0:20:07 > 0:20:09- Have you been there for your holiday?- Oh, yes.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12We love going to Marbs, don't we, babes?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:16Babes?!
0:20:16 > 0:20:19I thought you'd more likely be down the mosque.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21What's a mosque?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24THEY LAUGH LOUDLY
0:20:24 > 0:20:27MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Ohhh, dear. Well, I have to say, you're not at all like we imagined.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36They're not at all like we imagined, are they?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38No, you're not at all like we imagined.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40We're not at all like they imagined.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43You know, I've been reading up about Islam,
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- and you're very big on charity, aren't you?- Oh, yes.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48It's one of the five pillars.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50And Suz and I, we've got a lot of money, haven't we?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52We have got a lot of money.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56And we were thinking, one day, we might give it all to charity.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58No!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Let's not forget the little-known sixth pillar of Islam.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07Those that shall have loads of money...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:14..shall give it unto their kinneth
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and also unto their in-laws.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:21:21 > 0:21:24MR KHAN LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- Would you like another drink? - Good idea.- No, thanks, Mrs K.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Hiya.- Oh, Scabby!
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- What's going on?- Oh, Scabby. Mummy and Daddy have come round.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37Whatever they've done, I'm so sorry.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Uh-oh, And, he's got his little sulky face on.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42He's never liked us meeting his friends.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44He thinks we're embarrassing.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46There's no need to be embarrassed about your parents.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- We think they're great. - Oh, that's so nice.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- We think you're great too, don't we, And?- We do.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55We think you're great.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You see? We're one big happy family.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Well, actually, that is pretty good news
0:22:00 > 0:22:01because there is something
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I've been meaning to ask you for quite a while now.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Yes?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Now, I know I'm not exactly the son-in-law you were expecting,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13but I was hoping to get your permission to ask Alia to marry me.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I do!
0:22:15 > 0:22:16LAUGHTER
0:22:16 > 0:22:21- What?!- Yes, I mean, of course. MRS KHAN:- Oh, my God.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23I knew it, I knew he was going to propose.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26She's got a sixth sense when it comes to romance.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- What if she doesn't want to get married?- Oh, she does.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- She does want to. She told me. - Really?
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Only because I have actually been carrying round this ring
0:22:36 > 0:22:37for a very long time now,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39and it just never quite seems to be the right moment.
0:22:39 > 0:22:44- Hey, Scabby!- Now is the right moment!
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Oh, don't she look lovely?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48You can see where she gets her looks from.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Thank you.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52LAUGHTER
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Shazia looks more like her mother.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Alia, beti, Scabby has something he'd like to ask you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05I've been meaning to ask this for a long time now.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07I was just wondering...
0:23:09 > 0:23:10..Alia...
0:23:12 > 0:23:13..will you marry me?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- AUDIENCE:- Awww!
0:23:17 > 0:23:18No!
0:23:18 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Would you excuse me a moment?
0:23:26 > 0:23:30HE SHOUTS IN URDU
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Alia, what's going on?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Did you not understand the question?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Of course I understood the question.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39But Scabby's got a ring and everything.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43- Then he'll just have to take it back.- Alia, what are you doing?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- You said you liked him.- I do.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49And you told me you wanted to get married.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Yeah, but that's not what I meant.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What else does getting married mean?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56It's just... The thing is...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00..I got my exam results.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04It's OK, beti, you just take them again, like you always do.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06No, you don't understand.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- I passed them.- You did WHAT?!
0:24:09 > 0:24:11LAUGHTER
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- I passed them!- What? ALL of them?!
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Alia, beti! I'm so proud of you!
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Thanks, papati.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It means I can go to university.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25My little girl's going to university!
0:24:25 > 0:24:27The first one in our family.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- Shazia went to uni.- That doesn't count.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:34So, which one are you going to go to?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Birmingham City University or The University of Birmingham?
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Neither.- But none of the rest are in Birmingham!
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I know! I got a place at one called Glasgow. I think it's in Wales.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- All right.- So that's why I don't need to get married.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50I don't understand.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I'm living at home with my parents.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I felt like I was going to be stuck here forever.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Stuck?- You know what I mean.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I can't always be Daddy's girl.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02Oh...
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:25:04 > 0:25:05I need a bit of freedom.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11I thought getting married was going to be my only chance to get it.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I see.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15I'm sorry.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You do understand, don't you?
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I do. I do understand, Alia, beti.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25After all, I am your papati.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- AUDIENCE:- Awww.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30But for future reference, if you're looking for freedom,
0:25:30 > 0:25:32getting married doesn't have very much.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Well?
0:25:41 > 0:25:43You know, when you think about it,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46- are you sure you even want to get married?- Oh, my God!
0:25:46 > 0:25:50It's us, isn't it? A bit too common for you, are we?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- What?- Not sophisticated enough.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- Just cos we've got gold-plated mixer taps in the toilet.- No.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00I'd love to have gold-plated...
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Anyway, we're much more common than you are.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Especially her.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- See?- Well, what is it then?- It's me.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- Alia...- I'm sorry, I really am.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- You know how I feel about you. - Then, why?
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I passed my retakes. I'm going away to university.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I can't believe this.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- MRS KHAN:- Neither can I! You passed your retakes?!
0:26:25 > 0:26:28LAUGHTER
0:26:28 > 0:26:30We could still make it work.
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Yeah.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Not really, though.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Long distance relationships never really work out.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39LAUGHTER
0:26:39 > 0:26:43- Oh, Scabby, my poor baby. - Come on, son, let's go.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45We know when we're not welcome.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I guess a five-bedroom executive home
0:26:47 > 0:26:51and an S-class Mercedes isn't good enough for some people.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:58No, listen, Scabby, just because you and Alia have broken up,
0:26:58 > 0:27:00we can still be friends, ah?
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Yeah, that never really works out either, though, does it?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11# I feel it in my fingers... #
0:27:11 > 0:27:13HE CRIES
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Are you OK?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18SOBS: I'm OK!
0:27:19 > 0:27:20Aw.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23I just really, really liked him.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27- Aw.- I thought it could be forever!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I know.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33But it's OK, you can still play football.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- Huh?- With Amjad.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39HE HOWLS
0:27:42 > 0:27:45# So if you really love me
0:27:45 > 0:27:48# Come on and let it show... #