0:00:02 > 0:00:07Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16They all know me. Do you like my suit?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Number one, Citizen Khan.
0:00:24 > 0:00:29- Are you ready?- I've been ready for five hours.- We're late.- I know.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Alia's going to miss registration on her first day at university.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36It's OK, we're all set, the car is full of petrol
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and I've set the satnav for Glasgow.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44- Now, come on.- Oh, I can't believe our baby is leaving us.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48She's too young. Do you think she'll have a nice time in Scotland?
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Sweetie, nobody has a nice time in Scotland.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56- We're ready.- Hello, sir. - Why are they coming?
0:00:56 > 0:00:59I want the whole family to see Alia off.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02It might be the last time we'll be together.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And what about Little Mo and baby Nadia?
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Where are we going to put them, in the glove compartment?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Amjad's mum is looking after them.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Why is Mrs Malik looking after them?
0:01:12 > 0:01:16I want to look after them. I want to look after everybody!
0:01:17 > 0:01:21This is going to be a long day.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And it's just got longer.
0:01:26 > 0:01:28She's so excited.
0:01:28 > 0:01:30I don't want to go.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32It's so nice of you to come, Naani.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Is nobody listening to me?
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It's OK, Naanijan, I'm listening to you.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40And I don't want you to go either.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Then I'm coming.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46- Heh!- Right, fine, just everyone get in the car.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48HE CHIVVIES THEM ON
0:01:48 > 0:01:49Aren't you forgetting someone?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52How can I be possibly be forgetting anyone?
0:01:52 > 0:01:53Hiya.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Hello, beti, are you ready?
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Yeah.- Perfect. Right, everyone happy?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Let's go.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05No, I can't bear it!
0:02:05 > 0:02:09My baby girl is leaving me. Don't leave me!
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Papaji!
0:02:11 > 0:02:14It's OK, beti, I'll sort this out. Come on, darling, come on.
0:02:14 > 0:02:15Now, come on.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20If everyone just does as I say, there'll be no problems at all.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Come on!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Well?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39ENGINE SPLUTTERS
0:02:42 > 0:02:44It's broken.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47What do you expect? We're carrying too much weight.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50I could tell the old girl was struggling the minute we left the house.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53We should have given her an extra blanket.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I'm talking about the car.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Is she all right back there?
0:03:01 > 0:03:04She's fine, she likes it.
0:03:04 > 0:03:05You know back home,
0:03:05 > 0:03:08my father had an old British motorcycle with a sidecar.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10They were like a Pakistani Wallace and Gromit.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14More paneer, Gromit.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17So, what are we going to do?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21We'll just unhook the trailer, she can take her chances hitchhiking.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23About the car?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Because of course you haven't got any breakdown cover.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Because they're a waste of money. You never use them.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Until now.
0:03:31 > 0:03:34We can all be wise after the event, sweetie.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37I wish for once you would be wise before the event.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Calm down, my darling.
0:03:39 > 0:03:44My mate Mr Mohammed has got a tow truck.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Hello! Salaam aleikum, Mr Mohammed.
0:03:51 > 0:03:52Voicemail.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59Mr Khan speaking. Now, listen, we're just outside Wolverhampton on A449.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03I need you to come and give us a tow. Call me back.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08- What now?- We wait.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Am I going to get to go to university, Papaji?
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Of course, beti.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Don't you remember the promise I made you all those years ago?
0:04:20 > 0:04:25'It was the very day you were born. All the way back in 1996.'
0:04:26 > 0:04:28You can come in now.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Do you promise not to swear at me again?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I promise.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Oh, perfect!
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Just perfect.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40A little brother for Shazia.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Not brother - sister.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44What?
0:04:44 > 0:04:45It's a girl.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Another one?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Haan.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Ah, she is beautiful.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Where's Shazia?
0:04:53 > 0:04:54She's downstairs.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57We've been watching The Lion King on video...
0:04:57 > 0:05:00for the 758th time.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06Ah, this is a proud moment in the Khan family life.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09A new child.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12# It's the circle
0:05:12 > 0:05:15# The circle of life! #
0:05:15 > 0:05:17HE LAUGHS
0:05:18 > 0:05:19What shall we call her?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Simba.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23Simba?
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Not Simba.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Alia.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Alia, ha.
0:05:29 > 0:05:33PHONE RINGS Oh, my mobile phone.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Hello?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Naani!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48What are you calling me on the mobile for?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It costs a blooming bomb!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52Call me on the landline.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Honestly, your mother!
0:05:56 > 0:05:59BABY GRIZZLES Oh, she likes the phone.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Alia, beti, I promise,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05as you grow up,
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I'll give you the best start in life,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13the best opportunities and the best education.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17But you won't need one of these.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Imagine a world where all the children had mobile phones.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Your father will never let you down, beti.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30PHONE PLAYS BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Ah, here he is, Mr Mohammed.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36He'll sort us out, he knows me of old.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Waleikum assalam, Mr Mohammed.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44Perfect.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Fantastic.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Marvellous, marvellous.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51OK, see you then. OK, bye.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56He'll be five hours, we're bottom of his list.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58I thought you said he knows you of old.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Yes, that's why we're bottom of his list.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Alia's going to miss her registration.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04What are we going to do? This is all your fault.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Aha!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- Right, come on, you lot, get the bags and wait over there.- Why?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14That lorry is going to give us a lift.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16How do you know he's going to Scotland?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20Lucky guess.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I'll sort this out.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I know what I'm doing, it'll be fine,
0:07:25 > 0:07:27you worry too much, you people.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34HE HAWKS
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- Salaam aleikum. - What do you want?
0:07:38 > 0:07:44I was wondering, could you give me and my family a lift in your lorry?
0:07:46 > 0:07:48You must be joking, pal.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's OK, we're Pakistani, not Romanians.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56I don't care where you're from, you're not getting in my lorry.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Oh, come on, we love the Scotlands.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Some of my best friends are ginger.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03Well, when I say friends...
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Do you know Dave?
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Forget it.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11I voted leave.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13So did I!
0:08:15 > 0:08:19- Well?- Am I going to get there in time, Papaji?
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Of course you are, beti.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29It's all sorted, come on, come on. Come on. Come on, here we are.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- Here we are.- Are you sure it's OK?
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Of course, the driver said it's no trouble.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38We can't get in there.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Yes, we can. Amjad will help us,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43but we've got to be quick, the driver is in a hurry. Come on.
0:08:46 > 0:08:47Come on, come on.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Amjad, what are you doing?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Oh, my God! I can't see anything.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Calm down, there must be a light switch somewhere.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Here, what's this?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Oh!
0:09:13 > 0:09:15There we are.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17I told you everything would be all right.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21We'll be in Bonnie Scotland before you know it,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24eating bagpipes and playing the haggises.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26- Have some chai, Naani.- Nahin.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28We have to keep you hydrated.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31We don't want her too hydrated, sweetie, it's a long journey.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You've got to phone the university to tell them we might be running late.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37And I need the phone Mrs Malik.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40I want to check she's not filling Little Mo full of biscuits.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43It's OK, ladoo, Mummy doesn't share biscuits.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- I can't get a signal. - Have you got a signal, budhoo?
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Ssh! I think there's a Pidgey in one of these crates.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54What the flip's a Pidgey?
0:09:54 > 0:09:58He's playing Pokemon, him and Little Mo are obsessed with it.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It beats loads of other Pokemon characters.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03A Pidgey can even beat a Gastly.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05SLURPING
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Which one of them beats a naani?
0:10:09 > 0:10:11Wow!
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Look at this!
0:10:13 > 0:10:14What is it, budhoo?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16I think it's the new iPhone.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21It's not an iPhone, you idiot, that's a calculator.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25Remember when Alia had her lucky calculator?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27And her lucky pencil case?
0:10:27 > 0:10:29And her lucky hijab?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33She had to have all her lucky things with her for every exam.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35So why did she fail them all so many times?
0:10:35 > 0:10:37She was just unlucky.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Yeah.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42What does E stand for?
0:10:42 > 0:10:45I think it's short for Excellent.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- She's got E's? - No, only one E.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The rest are U's.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53What's that - Unbelievably Good?
0:10:55 > 0:10:57I don't know if I'll fit in here, Papaji.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Alia, we are just as good as anyone else.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04You hold your head high, be proud of who you are.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08But I thought this place was only for Catholics.
0:11:11 > 0:11:12What?
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Anscombe College is a Catholic school.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Oh, twaddi!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Alia, why don't you take off your coat? It's very warm in here.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41And maybe take off some of this shiny stuff from hijab.
0:11:41 > 0:11:42We don't want to seem too flashy.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Very good, well done, Alia.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59What a girl! Second to none, she is.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Have you got a signal yet? - Hang on.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06Alia, why haven't you filled in any of these registration forms?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I didn't have a pen.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I've got a signal!
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Be careful.- It's fine.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I've got excellent balance.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20I was third-best gymnast at my school
0:12:20 > 0:12:24after Benny and that boy with the turned toes.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27BRAKES SQUEAL
0:12:27 > 0:12:28Aaaargh!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Oh, my God!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Are you OK, Papaji?
0:12:34 > 0:12:36I'm fine, beti.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38But I think my phone is broken.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Oh...my...God!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It's too horrible!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47I can't even look at it!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's OK, come and sit down.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53You think she's going to be able to cope OK at university?
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Oh, my goodness, look here. It says all the accommodation is mixed.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01So? She be fine. Alia is a good girl.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04And anyway, I've given her the talk.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06What, you mean about the birds and the bees?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08What have they got to do with it?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Sweetie, I need to talk to you about something very important.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13OK, Papaji.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18Now, I know your head is filled only with God and studies right now.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19But one day you realise
0:13:19 > 0:13:22there are other things in the world, like boys.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23OK.
0:13:23 > 0:13:27But what you have to remember is that boys are not like girls.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Are they not?- No.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Boys are bad. They only have one thing on their minds.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34What's that?
0:13:35 > 0:13:37HE GULPS
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Cricket.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Cricket?!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Yes.- I don't like cricket.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49I know. And that's good.
0:13:49 > 0:13:54But one day you might decide that you do...like...cricket.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58I don't think so, it's dead boring.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00You're right, it is.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03But one day you might meet somebody, let's say a boy,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and he's really into the cricket
0:14:05 > 0:14:07and he might try and get you to watch.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10And you might think, well, there's no harm in watching.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12But then...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14he shows you his bat.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18And his pads.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20And his helmet.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26And the next thing you know, the covers are off,
0:14:26 > 0:14:28you're letting him play on your pitch
0:14:28 > 0:14:30and you've been caught out by his googly.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Do you see?
0:14:34 > 0:14:36- Sort of.- Good.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39You know, I thought that was going to be difficult.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42But it was actually very easy.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46That's how you do it.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48If you want to know about birds and bees,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51download the David Attenborough documentary on the iPlayer.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- Really?- It's fine.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Alia and I have a very close relationship.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01We've had some honest and open chats over the years.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04But what about that time when you thought she was...
0:15:04 > 0:15:05What?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08You know.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Fat?
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Pregnant.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14That was all a misunderstanding.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Look at this.- Yes. So?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- It's a pregnancy tester.- Yes, so?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22It's positive.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24You mean...?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- Exactly.- We're having another baby?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30It's not mine!
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- I found it in the bathroom. - Not my sweet Alia.
0:15:33 > 0:15:37She would have told me. She always tells me everything.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Right, then you can go and ask her.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41What?
0:15:41 > 0:15:42Oh, twaddi!
0:15:44 > 0:15:47So, these are my new blonde highlights,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50which I did with a home colouring kit in the bathroom.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52And here's my top tip.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54HAWKING
0:15:58 > 0:16:00Hello, beti.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Hi, Papaji!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Did you want to talk to me about something?
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Yeah, why not? Might as well come in and keep you company now I'm here.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Beti, your mother and I were wondering,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19is there something you might want to tell us?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21No.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Something that you've done,
0:16:23 > 0:16:28something that a good Pakistani Muslim girl shouldn't have done?
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Um...
0:16:33 > 0:16:37It's just that your mother found something in the bathroom.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38Oh.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Is it yours? It's OK.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44You can tell me, I won't be cross.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Yeah, it's mine.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49Oh, Alia!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51My little baby!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I was going to tell you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Oh, God!
0:16:55 > 0:16:57I was just trying it out.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59But you are our best daughter.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01How could you do this?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04I just wanted to see what it would be like.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08But, sweetie, we all get curious about it,
0:17:08 > 0:17:11but these things have consequences.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Is it really such a big deal, though?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Yes!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Only...I quite like it.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19No!
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I mean, I'm definitely going to do it again.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Only next time I'll probably want a different colour.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oh, my God! No, no, no!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36You see, nothing like that has ever happened to Alia.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38And it never will.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39Stop the lorry!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41What for?
0:17:41 > 0:17:42I need toilet.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Well, I need a new combi-boiler, but we can't have everything.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Have you found another Pokemon, budhoo?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53This time I'm going for a Squirtle.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, me too!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Just hold it in.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00This is Alia's important day,
0:18:00 > 0:18:02we don't want to spoil it for her, do we?
0:18:02 > 0:18:03Nahin.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I hope you're going to come and visit me when I'm in Glasgow.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Of course we will, Sis.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11And you can come and stay with us in the holidays.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14There'll be plenty of room now we're getting the loft done.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- Can you afford that?- Dad's lending us the money, aren't you, Dad?
0:18:18 > 0:18:20That reminds me...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- I can't lend you the money.- Why not?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I spent it on Alia's university.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28You spent our loft money on Alia?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It's not my fault.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34If Alia had failed her exams, like we thought she was going to,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36she wouldn't be going to university.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39So, technically, it's her fault.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Why didn't you tell me before?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I'd have borrowed the money from the bank and done it last year.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48But oh, no, "Don't borrow from the bank," you said.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51"Always borrow from family.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53"Our rates are much better!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:55SHE HAWKS
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Doesn't sound anything like me.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04This is so typical, putting Alia first.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- You always liked her more than me. - Nonsense.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11I've always treated you both exactly the same.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17I love this girl.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19She's a blooming marvel.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Almost like a son, she is.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Alia wants to use Naani's photoshoot
0:19:24 > 0:19:26to get loads of pictures of herself.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Good idea.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We can't get enough pictures of the beautiful daughter.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Thanks, Papaji.
0:19:32 > 0:19:36But I want to get some of just me, Amjad and baby Mo.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40All lying on the floor in a line with our legs in the air.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I think it'd look nice.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44I think you'd look like chickens in a halal butcher's window.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48My grandmother wants to know if there's any record of her father here.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Eldest daughter, just ignore her, that's what I do.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Ah, Alia, good daughter, this one's very clever, always studying,
0:19:55 > 0:19:56loves her history and so forth.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59- Yes?- There's no Wi-Fi in here.
0:19:59 > 0:20:00No.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Probably going to do her homework. HE HAWKS
0:20:09 > 0:20:12You know, for once, I need to put Alia first.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13Mum?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Your father's right, beti.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Am I? Blimey!
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- What are you doing? - I'm writing it down.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24"23rd of September 2016,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27"Mrs Khan says Mr Khan is right."
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Shazia, your sister's done very well
0:20:32 > 0:20:35to get onto her business and management course.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36Wait a minute.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39This doesn't say business and management.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Alia? Why doesn't it say business and management?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- Maybe they spelt it wrong.- Alia...
0:20:45 > 0:20:49OK, so, when I actually looked at the prospectus,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50it was, like, so boring.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53The first half was business this, business that,
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I don't even know what the second half was about.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57Management?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59Whatever.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Did you know about this?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04I might have heard something about it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And when were you planning to tell me?
0:21:07 > 0:21:08Now?
0:21:09 > 0:21:15OK, so, if you're not doing business and management, what are you doing?
0:21:15 > 0:21:18Sustainable beauty therapy and geography.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Wow! That sounds amazing.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28What kind of job is she going to get with beauty therapy and geography?
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Mobile hairdresser.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33She's done it again.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36She always lies to you and you always fall for it.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37Rubbish.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Alia, tell me the truth.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Have you ever lied to me?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- No.- See?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- She doesn't speak much English. - Going somewhere nice?
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- FRENCH ACCENT:- In discotheque.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- Huh? - It's French for prayer meeting.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I'm going out, I'll be back later.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Sweetie, Alia, you know how your mother worries.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03You're supposed to tell us where you're going
0:22:03 > 0:22:04and what time you'll be back.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- But I did.- Did you?
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Yeah, I'm going out and I'll be back later.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Oh, yes.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14SHE GASPS
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Hello, beti.- What are you doing?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Your father is a very important man.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27I'm doing some urgent mosque business.
0:22:27 > 0:22:28What are you doing?
0:22:28 > 0:22:30I was just going out.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32It's very late.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35There's a late-night prayer meeting at the mosque.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- CAR HORN BEEPS - That's the Imam come to pick me up.
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Such a good girl.
0:22:41 > 0:22:43Is that a hijab?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Yeah, it's waterproof in case it rains.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50Clever, modest and practical.
0:22:51 > 0:22:57Aw...she's a practically perfect Pakistani in every way.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Thanks, Papaji.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Well, we're not wasting all that money on some stupid make-up course.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- Tell the driver to turn around, we're going home.- What?- Me too.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I need to get to work if I'm going to pay for this loft extension.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Let's not be hasty, my darling.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Stop...the...lorry.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17SHE SPEAKS URDU
0:23:17 > 0:23:18..Welcome Break.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- We can't stop now.- Yes, we can. Tell the driver.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- I can't.- Why not?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Because.- Because what?
0:23:27 > 0:23:28Because...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32..he doesn't know we're in here.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:23:34 > 0:23:37They are going to think we're illegal immigrants.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40They're going to lock us in some detention centre.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42Naani's too old to cope with that.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44At least there'll be a toilet.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48So, who's going to look after Mo and Nadia while I'm locked up?
0:23:48 > 0:23:53Be strong, ladoo, I'll always tell them how brave their mummy was.
0:23:54 > 0:23:55You'll be locked up too.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58Oh, no!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01It's fine.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04As soon as we get to Scotland,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08we'll sneak out and everything will be Mac-tickety-boo.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Is Felixstowe in Scotland?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13What was that, sweetie?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It says here we're just outside Felixstowe.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19ALL SHOUT AT ONCE
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Everyone calm down.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Calm down! Shush, shush!
0:24:24 > 0:24:27You said he was going to Scotland.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Well, he was Scottish, where else would he be going?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32I don't know, anywhere at all,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35because he was coming FROM Scotland, not going back there.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37I should have known.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40Scottish people never go back to Scotland once they've escaped.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Call the police, call the fire brigade, anyone!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46My phone's broken.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Amjad.- OK.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, no, my battery's run out.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Too much Pokemon.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Oh, my God! Alia, your phone.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- No way!- Now!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04All right, that's it, I'll just phone the police, shall I?
0:25:04 > 0:25:08"Oh, hello, officer, we've got any emergency situation.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Yes, we're a Pakistani family in the back of a lorry.
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"Could you please come and let us out?"
0:25:14 > 0:25:16BRAKES HISS
0:25:16 > 0:25:18He's stopped.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20VOICES OUTSIDE Bang on the sides.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- ALL:- Help! Help!
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Chup, chup!
0:25:25 > 0:25:28BANGING AND CLANKING
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Sounds like we're getting somewhere.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- What's going on?- Maybe they're trying to tell us something.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Hang on, sir, I know Morse code.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41BANGING AND CLANKING
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Well?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47They're taking us off the lorry
0:25:47 > 0:25:51and they're loading us onto a pile of other containers.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54You can tell all that from just a few bangs?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57No, I saw it through this little hole.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04THEY ALL SCREAM
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Shush, shush!
0:26:08 > 0:26:11Everyone, calm down.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13CLANK
0:26:13 > 0:26:17This is all your fault. I said we should have gone by train.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- You should have listened to me. - Why, what did you say?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22I told her not to marry you.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26My babies are stuck with Mrs Malik.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28Alia's going to lose her place at university,
0:26:28 > 0:26:30you have ruined everything.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32ALL TALK AT ONCE
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Stop it! Just stop it, all of you!
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Leave him alone.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40It's not his fault, it's mine.
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Alia...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Sweetie, let the girl speak.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46This is all because of me.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51I only wanted to go to uni in Scotland to get away from you all.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54But I've realised something today.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57My family mean more to me than anything.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01I can't leave you all behind.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I'd miss all the shouting too much.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Aw, beti!
0:27:07 > 0:27:09But what about your education?
0:27:09 > 0:27:13I'll just get a place at Birmingham Uni instead.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18See? She's learning already. Birmingham's cheaper.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24Like I told you on the day you were born, you're the clever one.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29She takes after her father.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Good-looking and intelligent.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Now that we're a proper family, can we go on a family holiday?
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Hah.
0:27:36 > 0:27:41- Somewhere abroad this time, not Great Yarmouth again.- Of course.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Somewhere with sun and sand, but not too many tourists.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48I know just the place.
0:27:48 > 0:27:49The Seychelles?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Close.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Pakistan.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00You never took me back to Pakistan, though.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02One day, beti, one day.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- OVER LOUDSPEAKER: - 'Attention, all crew.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09'Attention, all crew.
0:28:09 > 0:28:15'The arrival time into the port of Karachi, Pakistan, will be 47 days.'