0:00:02 > 0:00:08Welcome to Sparkhill, Birmingham, the capital of British Pakistan.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15They all know me!
0:00:15 > 0:00:16Do you like my suit?
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Number one! Citizen Khan.
0:00:21 > 0:00:24Greetings, my boob-tube followers.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27Now, many of you have been messaging me saying,
0:00:27 > 0:00:30"Mr Khan, you are our community leader,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33"everyone turns to you for guidance
0:00:33 > 0:00:36"on matters both moral and spiritual.
0:00:36 > 0:00:41"So when are you going to do the cinnamon challenge?"
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Well, today is the day, yes.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50Apparently, you have to eat some cinnamon without drinking anything.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Easy-peasy, huh?
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Now, most people use a teaspoon.
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Not me.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I'm Pakistani, ah? We can handle our spices.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Look at that. So, here we go.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08Get some there.
0:01:08 > 0:01:09Ah-ha!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Woohoo! And down the hatch!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES
0:01:25 > 0:01:28HE GASPS
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Ah! Eurgh!
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Ah! Eurgh!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36LAUGHTER
0:01:42 > 0:01:44I don't get it.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- It's a thing we boob-tubers do. - Why?
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Because then people go and click on it and watch you doing it.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Why?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56How should I know? It's the internet, Riaz,
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- This is how everything works nowadays.- Oh, OK.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's all about getting as many hits as possible.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06One person got 48 million views for this.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Wow! How many did you get?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11That's not important.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:16Now just film me for my new, exciting poster - behind the scenes
0:02:16 > 0:02:19at the mosque committee meeting.
0:02:19 > 0:02:20- Get my best side, ah?- OK.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Salaam alaikum, Mr Khan.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Hello, Dave.
0:02:25 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Are you here for the mosque committee meeting?
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Yes, that's right. I'm going to be filming it for my boob-tube channel.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Oh, no, sorry, you can't do that. Data protection, I'm afraid.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36- What?- Well, I did send you an e-mail about it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38I never get any of your e-mails, Dave.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I think my computer must have some kind of ginger filter.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44That's not a thing.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45Well, you say that,
0:02:45 > 0:02:49but I never get any e-mails from Chris Evans or Mick Hucknall either.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Shall we start the meeting?- Yes, OK.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Thanks for... Thanks for coming, everyone.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03As you know, we're here to talk about ideas
0:03:03 > 0:03:05for the upcoming Muslim Day.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Now, who...? Who wants to start the ball rolling?
0:03:13 > 0:03:14Anyone else?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:24- Mr Khan.- Oh! Thank you, Dave.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27See, I think the most important thing to consider is
0:03:27 > 0:03:28why we're doing this.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Well, Muslim Day is about educating people,
0:03:31 > 0:03:33showing them what Islam is really all about.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- I'm hoping to organise some interesting lectures.- Lectures?!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Borrrring!
0:03:38 > 0:03:42This is Sparkhill, Dave. Not University College Coxbridge.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Well, I suppose you've got a better idea.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50- Of course I have.- Oh! What is it?
0:03:52 > 0:03:53LAUGHTER
0:03:55 > 0:03:56Thank you, Amjad.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Well, how about...
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- A Muslim Fun Day.- A Muslim what?!
0:04:05 > 0:04:06A Fun Day.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08You know, one of those churchy-fetey things
0:04:08 > 0:04:10that you white people do, ah?
0:04:10 > 0:04:15- But with some Muslim thingamajigs thrown in instead.- For example?
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Pin the beard on the imam!
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Alcohol-free bottle tombola!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26Halal candyfloss! Guess who's under the burqa!
0:04:28 > 0:04:31People will love it. Trust me, Dave.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I know what the public wants.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35I was hoping we might be able to take the opportunity to focus
0:04:35 > 0:04:37on the role of women in modern Islam.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Why?
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Well, we want to encourage women
0:04:40 > 0:04:42to take a more prominent role in society.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Do we?- Yes, of course.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48We want to get more Muslim women into positions of power.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave!
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Muslim women have got quite enough power already.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58You don't want to give them any more. It'll just confuse them.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00Well, as chairman of the mosque committee,
0:05:00 > 0:05:02it's ultimately my decision
0:05:02 > 0:05:03and I happen to think that women's rights
0:05:03 > 0:05:07are far more important than some silly sideshows.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- You haven't heard the best one yet. SIGHING:- Go on.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Bouncy mosque.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13LAUGHTER
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Like a bouncy castle but with minarets.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- That's hardly appropriate.- Why not?
0:05:19 > 0:05:22A bouncy mosque is just like any other mosque.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24You have to take your shoes off first.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:29And it helps you get higher and closer to God.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Yes.- You see?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I've got the backing of the mosque committee already, Dave, ah?
0:05:36 > 0:05:37Mohammed, here, he's on side.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41So is Mohammed, and Mohammed. Oh, and look!
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Even Mohammed is too.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:45No, no, no. Hang on a minute!
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Why don't you just put your money where your mouth is, ah?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50What?!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54I do my thing and you do yours, and whoever gets the most people
0:05:54 > 0:05:57can be chairman of the mosque committee, eh?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00But I'm already chairman of the mosque committee.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02HE MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING
0:06:02 > 0:06:05Look, it's not a competition. We're all on the same side.
0:06:05 > 0:06:10HE CLUCKS LOUDER
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Right, let's do it!
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Ha! Clucking brilliant! Bwark!
0:06:15 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Right, Muslim Day starts in an hour.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Come on, jaldi, jaldi. - Nearly ready.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Traditional Pakistani food
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- for a traditional Pakistani stall, right?- Uh-huh.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33What have you got?
0:06:33 > 0:06:37- Pizza.- How is that Pakistani?
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Pakora topping.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40LAUGHTER
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Can someone listen to my "being a working Muslim mum" speech?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- I need to practise.- Shazia?
0:06:46 > 0:06:50Dave asked me to contribute to his Women In Islam event.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53How could you do this to me, Shazia?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Siding with the gingers,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58instead of your own flesh and blood?
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You won't find a proper Pakistani man
0:07:01 > 0:07:03encouraging the empowerment of women.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06It would be like turkeys voting for Christmas.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Ladoo, I've written bullet points of your speech on flash cards
0:07:11 > 0:07:12and arranged them in order.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Thanks, budhoo.- That's OK, ladoo.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Oh, wait. Can I call you ladoo, or is it demeaning to women?
0:07:20 > 0:07:21- It's fine.- Phew!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25LAUGHTER
0:07:25 > 0:07:27What do you think you're doing, Amjad?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29I thought Shazia would be interested in the Women's Day.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Why are you trying to destroy my Muslim Day?
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I only get one shot at this, you know.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36- That's not strictly true.- What?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You see, the thing is, we're all Muslim.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- Right.- So technically, for us, every day is a Muslim day.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Or as we Muslims call it, a day.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I want a word with you.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58- Oh, hello, sweetie.- When were you going to tell me about this?
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Ah, now.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03About those pictures, see, I thought,
0:08:03 > 0:08:06Miss Bumbum was a Vietnamese restaurant.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I was going to take you out for a meal.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:08:14 > 0:08:18- I'm talking about this e-mail from your sister.- Oh, yes, that.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21- Who's Miss Bumbum?- I don't know!
0:08:21 > 0:08:22What e-mail?
0:08:22 > 0:08:23She sent an e-mail last month
0:08:23 > 0:08:26saying she wants your niece, Shabana, to come and stay.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- Right.- But we can't have your niece to stay!
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It's too disruptive. And we haven't got the space.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33But I thought she could have Alia's bedroom
0:08:33 > 0:08:35now that she's at university.
0:08:35 > 0:08:36No.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37Anyway, I'm busy at work,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39and there's no-one here to look after her.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Of course, I understand. - So you'll reply, then.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I already replied.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Oh, what did you tell her? - I said it's OK.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:51- What?! Without even discussing it? - Dad, you can't do things like that.
0:08:51 > 0:08:52Idiot!
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Look, it's the school holidays and her mother's gone to Pakistan.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You mean she's disappeared on one of her shopping trips again?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Your sister's never taken responsibility for that girl.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05She's always palming her off on someone, and now it's our turn.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09That's not true, sweetie, she's a very caring and generous person.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Is she paying you to look after Shabana?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:17It's not payment!
0:09:17 > 0:09:21It's just room and boarding at special discount rate.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Oh, my God! Why...? - Now, wait a minute.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27All right, my sister's a little bit difficult,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30but could I really turn Shabana away?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Our niece? Your cousin?
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And whatever she is to you?
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- You're right, I'm sorry.- That's OK. - When's she arriving?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42What's the date?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- 23rd.- Today. DOORBELL RINGS
0:09:44 > 0:09:46LAUGHTER
0:09:46 > 0:09:49Well, you'll have to look after her today,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51because we are all going to support Shazia and Women In Islam.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Oh, not you, too.
0:09:53 > 0:09:54Look, what's the problem?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57She's stayed with us before and she was very quiet.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- That was ten years ago!- I know.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02I took her and Alia on the steam railway to Chh-Llandudno.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05You forgot about her and left her on the train.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I told you she was very quiet.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Look, she'll be no trouble.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Shabana is a very sweet, innocent little girl.
0:10:14 > 0:10:15Here she is.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Sup?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Salaam alaikum.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31You remember me? It's Uncle Mr Khan.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Oh, I remember you, all right.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- That's nice. And your auntie? - Hello, beti.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40And Naani.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42No way! I thought you were dead.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHTER
0:10:44 > 0:10:47We've all thought that about her at some point, haven't we?
0:10:49 > 0:10:53And here's your cousin Shazia. And Amjad.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58- Have I got something on my face?- No.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Apart from the messy bits of metal.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Don't worry about him, ah? He's not a proper relative.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09So, what kind of things would you like to do while you're here?
0:11:09 > 0:11:11I don't know.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Auntie could take you to the safari park.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Feed the penguins.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Take Naani. Feed the lions as well.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Do you fancy coming with me
0:11:21 > 0:11:25to the Women In Islam event at the community centre?
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- SHE LAUGHS - Good one.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh, what, like, really?!
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Don't you think it's important to empower women?
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Yeah, I think feminism is basically just for plain girls. No offence.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:41- I think we'd better go.- OK.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47Shabana, there must be something you'd like to do.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49I thought I might go to this place in Moseley and get a tat.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51A what?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54A tattoo.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58Yeah, I want to get a big one going right up my leg and across my butt.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00Anything else?
0:12:01 > 0:12:04A couple of my friends are down in a squat in London.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Could you drive me down there? - I don't think so.- Oh, what?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10Because you think I'm a respectable Pakistani Muslim girl?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13No, I'm pretty sure I don't think that.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15LAUGHTER
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Let me talk to her. I think she just needs a motherly touch.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Hello, Shabana.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24This is your auntie speaking.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28We don't usually have tattoos or go to squats in Sparkhill.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Why don't I make you some of my famous pakoras instead?- Oh, yeah.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Mum told me about your famous pakoras.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37She said they make great doorstops.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- AUDIENCE:- Ooooh!
0:12:40 > 0:12:41She's all yours.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44No!
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Make sure you don't lose her this time!
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Ha!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- ANNOUNCER:- 'Welcome to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04'Hope you're having a great time.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06'Thank you, Mr Khan.'
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- Now, aren't you glad you came? - Um, no.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Oh, hello, Dave. Or should I say loser? Ha-ha.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19Looks like my Muslim Day is turning out to be a big hit.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Muslim Day is for everyone, Mr Khan. It's not about me or you.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Of course, Dave. You're absolutely right.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Here, have a balloon.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Shabana, don't play with that, beti.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Huh. This is so lame.
0:13:35 > 0:13:40Don't listen to her. Look! Everyone is loving it.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Look, we've got a bouncy mosque.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Pin the beard on the imam.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:51How did you get so many people? There was no money for advertising.
0:13:51 > 0:13:52Ah, well. That would be telling.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00CALL TO PRAYER: 'I'd LOVE you to come to Mr Khan's Muslim Fun Day.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03'This Wednesday at the community centre.'
0:14:04 > 0:14:06So, Dave, tell us...
0:14:06 > 0:14:08How's your...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11HE YAWNS LOUDLY ..snoozefest going?
0:14:11 > 0:14:15I'm sure it'll pick up once my celebrity guest speaker arrives.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Ha-ha. And who's that?
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Some hairy-faced woman
0:14:18 > 0:14:21from the University of Wolverhampton
0:14:21 > 0:14:23in dungarees and a degree in
0:14:23 > 0:14:26"Boo-hoo, it's so hard being a lady."
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It's Baroness Warsi,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33the first Muslim woman to serve as a Cabinet minister.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- Oh, that's not a big deal. - We'll see, won't we?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39She's appearing in the community centre in ten minutes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48OK, everyone, Baroness Warsi will be here any moment.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Shazia and I will be the welcoming committee,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53so we'll go outside and greet her,
0:14:53 > 0:14:55and then we'll come inside and do the talks.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58I'm so excited.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Me too.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05Wow, looks like everyone's in here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Who's that at the front? - The press.- I don't believe it!
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Dave's going to get his picture in the papers
0:15:11 > 0:15:13with Lady Baron Warsi.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15And he's going to be on the radio.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17She'll probably invite him to have tea on the terrace
0:15:17 > 0:15:18- at the House of Lords too.- What?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21And luckily, the weather has been kind to us,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23as it doesn't A PEER to be raining.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25DAVE LAUGHS
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Because Baroness Warsi's a peer in the House of... Never mind.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I need to get up there.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34But you know nothing about women in Islam.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Come on, beti.- Hey!- Excuse me, thank you.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Excuse me, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43- Hang on, Dave. Hang on.- Mr Khan.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Dad, what are you doing?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I'm sorry to interrupt,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50but I had something important that I wanted to share with Shazia
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- and everyone here, even Dave.- What?
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Now, I admit that before today,
0:15:56 > 0:16:01I was a bit negative about the whole Women In Islam thing.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03I mean, I was.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06- I pooh-poohed it, didn't I, Dave?- Yes.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10But then something happened that changed my mind.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Do you know what it was?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Was it when a lot more people wanted to come to my thing than to yours?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:21It wasn't, but it hurts that you would think that.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28It was when I looked into the eyes of my young niece here...
0:16:29 > 0:16:34..a shy, sweet, innocent Muslim girl...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:41..who has her whole life still ahead of her.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48And I realised that these messages of empowerment
0:16:48 > 0:16:52can show someone like Shabana here
0:16:52 > 0:16:57that she can be whatever she wants to be.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00She can do whatever she wants to do.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02AUDIENCE MURMURS AGREEMENT
0:17:02 > 0:17:04And that there are no limits on her
0:17:04 > 0:17:06as a woman. Or...
0:17:08 > 0:17:09..as a Muslim.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:16 > 0:17:20- What a load of crap!- Huh?
0:17:20 > 0:17:24He won't let me do anything I want to do. In fact, he forbids it.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25No, I don't!
0:17:25 > 0:17:27He says what I want isn't suitable
0:17:27 > 0:17:30for respectable Pakistani Muslim girl.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32Hang on a minute, ah?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35And he doesn't care about women's issues.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36He tried to stop his wife coming here today
0:17:36 > 0:17:39so that she could stay at home making pakoras.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40No, I didn't!
0:17:40 > 0:17:43He tried to make ME stay at home and make pakoras as well.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46No!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49He makes his old mother-in-law who's, like, 100 or something,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51stay up all night making pakoras.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54AUDIENCE VOICES DISAGREEMENT
0:17:54 > 0:17:56She wanted to!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00He's not part of the solution, he's part of the problem.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02He's trying to silence women's voices.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Just ask my plain-looking cousin.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:12Who would like to have a go on my bouncy mosque?
0:18:12 > 0:18:14MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:18:14 > 0:18:15Baroness Warsi's here!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25What the flipping heck was all that about?!
0:18:25 > 0:18:26Why did you say all those things?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Well, it's true, isn't it?
0:18:28 > 0:18:29You won't let me do what I want.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Because what you want is to be covered in tattoos
0:18:32 > 0:18:35and lying down on a mattress in some squatty SQUATTY!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:41What are you doing? Don't film this, you idiot!
0:18:41 > 0:18:42- Sorry.- Give me that!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- You just stay here and keep her out of trouble.- OK.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- Baroness Warsi.- Hi.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Hi. I'm Shazia. Shazia Khan.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03Actually, Shazia Malik, but I don't use my married name.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05I mean, he doesn't own me.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It's not the Middle Ages. Ha!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LAUGHTER
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Can I just say I'm a huge fan?
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Thank you.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I'll show you through to the community centre
0:19:14 > 0:19:15and we can get started.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Wait, wait, wait, wait!
0:19:17 > 0:19:19Lady Baron, Lady Baron,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Mr Khan, community leader.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They all know me.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24LAUGHTER
0:19:24 > 0:19:27How about I get you a nice cup of tea?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Shazia, fetch a cup of tea for the Lady Baron.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31I'm fine, thank you.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35All right, how about a photo? Two community leaders side-by-side.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:39I'm so sorry. Just ignore him.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43Dave, I need to show the Lady Byron
0:19:43 > 0:19:44my Muslim women's bits.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:46 > 0:19:47Muslim Women's Day.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49Muslim Women's Day?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- Yup!- What, so all these stalls
0:19:52 > 0:19:54are all about the empowerment of women?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Yup.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- LAUGHTER - Go on, then.
0:19:59 > 0:20:05OK. So, first of all, here we have take the beard off the Imam.
0:20:05 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:10This is saying that Imams don't need to have beards.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13So Muslim womens can be Imams too!
0:20:13 > 0:20:17But if the woman's already got a beard, well,
0:20:17 > 0:20:18that's a bonus.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20LAUGHTER
0:20:20 > 0:20:21Now, here we have the stocks,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25representing how women used to be shackled.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26But not any more!
0:20:26 > 0:20:31Because we've got the balloons that says reach for the stars!
0:20:31 > 0:20:34LAUGHTER
0:20:34 > 0:20:36What about that?
0:20:36 > 0:20:40Well, this is about empowerment, you see.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44Womens can do man's jobs too!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47So the man can just sit down and relax
0:20:47 > 0:20:49and play with his sudoku.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Now, follow me, follow me, come on, come on.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Now, this might look like a bouncy mosque, but it's more than that.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02This actually represents equality in Islam.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07Men and women doing the bouncy-bouncy together!
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:12It's amazing what you women can do these days!
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Look at Mrs Warsi,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17how she finds the time to be a Lady Baron
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and also do the cooking and cleaning
0:21:20 > 0:21:23is a lesson to you all!
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Lady Baron, we are so proud of what you have achieved.
0:21:28 > 0:21:33And even prouder of your husband for allowing you to do it!
0:21:33 > 0:21:34LAUGHTER
0:21:34 > 0:21:35What?!
0:21:35 > 0:21:37He-he!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Hee-hee-hee!
0:21:42 > 0:21:46Oh, help, help! Oh, twaddi! Twaddi! Help! Help!
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Are you serious?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59SQUEAKY HELIUM VOICE: Lady Baron, let me assure you,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01unequivocally
0:22:01 > 0:22:04and categorically,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06I am deadly serious.
0:22:06 > 0:22:11I would never treat estimable women in Islam
0:22:11 > 0:22:13as a Mickey Mouse subject.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:18I think I've seen enough.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Oh, twaddi! No! Come back!
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- No, wait, come back.- Dad.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Ha! Idiot!
0:22:26 > 0:22:28It's not my fault. It must have been Shabana.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Where is she?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- You were supposed to be looking after her.- I left her with Riaz.
0:22:33 > 0:22:34RIAZ YELLS
0:22:36 > 0:22:37She tricked me.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39She's getting a tattoo.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40Find her!
0:22:54 > 0:22:55Stop!
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Get your filthy paws off that girl!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- Calm down, mate.- Oh, my God!
0:23:03 > 0:23:08You've defaced her forever with this hideous monstrosity!
0:23:09 > 0:23:11LAUGHTER
0:23:14 > 0:23:16It looks lovely on you, though.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:23:20 > 0:23:24Right, young lady, what do you think you're playing at?
0:23:24 > 0:23:27I suppose it was you that put the helium in the bouncy mosque.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Everyone was laughing at me, you know.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You made me look like a complete idiot.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- I'm not used to that.- Really?(!)
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:37 > 0:23:40You've seen me now. I'm alive. You can go.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Don't you want to talk or anything?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You don't want to talk to me.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49Yes, I do. I don't mind talking.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Really? About what?
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Anything.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55ANYTHING at all.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02- OK...- Mm.- So, I think maybe I'm bisexual.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:06 > 0:24:09Same here. I'm bisexual too.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10You're bisexual?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Yes. Twice a year.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Regular as clockwork.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17That's not what bisexual means.
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Isn't it?
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Bisexual means you're attracted to both sexes.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Oh, that's great. I'm glad we had this chat.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28See? I knew it!
0:24:28 > 0:24:31No-one's interested in me. I'm just an inconvenience, an embarrassment.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- And I didn't even want to... - Shhh. No, you're not.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Salaam alaikum.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:40It's fine.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I get it. No-one wants to be around me.
0:24:42 > 0:24:45- Of course they do.- Really?
0:24:45 > 0:24:48- My mum doesn't want me. - Yes, she does.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51She's just misunderstood, like me.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54I'm always being misunderstood.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57It's a Khan family trait.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59- I don't understand.- See?
0:24:59 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03My whole life, she's never been interested in me.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05She just swans off to Pakistan for months at a time
0:25:05 > 0:25:07and palms me off on the neighbours.
0:25:07 > 0:25:08Obviously, I'm so unbearable that
0:25:08 > 0:25:10no-one would ever want to spend any time with me,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12unless they're being paid for it.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14That's not true.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I want to spend time with you.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Are you being paid?
0:25:18 > 0:25:19Maybe.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Just go.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24I'm not your responsibility.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26But you're family.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I don't have a family.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Yes, you do.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31We're your family.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35We care about you very much.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Ever since you were a little girl.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40When you lost me?
0:25:40 > 0:25:42When I found you again.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45At the lost property office at Swansea Station?
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I came back for you, didn't I?
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Like I did today.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51I'll always come and find you.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Now, come on. Why don't you come home, ah?
0:25:57 > 0:26:00Naani's making some food.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I mean, it won't be very nice,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04but it'll cheer her up if we eat it,
0:26:04 > 0:26:07and she needs cheering up because she'll be dead soon.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:09 > 0:26:11- OK.- Good girl. Done.
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Are you sure the rest of the family won't mind?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- I mean, I said some pretty mean things.- Don't be silly.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19The Khan family motto?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Forgive and forget. Ah? Chalo.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Thank you.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:26:33 > 0:26:36Here we are, one big, happy family.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I'm happy because I got to meet Baroness Warsi.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Shazia's happy because she got to do her boring women's speech. He-he!
0:26:43 > 0:26:47And Mrs Khan's happy because she's got someone else to shout at.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51And Naani's happy because she's not dead.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53LAUGHTER
0:26:53 > 0:26:54What about me, papa-ji?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I came home to see you, and I found HER in my room.
0:26:57 > 0:26:58Alia, you came home
0:26:58 > 0:27:01to get your washing done and ask me for some money.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04Oh, yeah. Can I have some money?
0:27:04 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER
0:27:05 > 0:27:09Some things don't change, ah? Here you are.
0:27:09 > 0:27:10And one for you.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Thank you. Because you're a member of the family now too, ah?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Oh, thank you, Uncle.- Hey, and you know the best thing?
0:27:18 > 0:27:24She uploaded my brilliant speech up onto my boob-tube channel.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26The mosque committee will definitely make me chairman
0:27:26 > 0:27:28when they see this.
0:27:28 > 0:27:29ON COMPUTER: 'Lady Baron.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38# 'I am the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse, the Mickey Mouse...' #
0:27:38 > 0:27:40THEY LAUGH
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh, twaddi!