0:00:02 > 0:00:05This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09On today's show, Flylo owner Omar Baba takes on his rivals.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13British Airways, you are the son of a whore. I spit on you.
0:00:13 > 0:00:17- Fearghal's flight hits turbulence. - Is that your wee sick bag?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18OK, thanks for that.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20Someone had lasagne, didn't they?
0:00:20 > 0:00:24And Friends' star David Schwimmer has trouble at Customs.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Good morning, good morning...
0:00:59 > 0:01:06It's 8am and airline owner Omar Baba is launching an unbelievable transatlantic deal.
0:01:06 > 0:01:11Today I announce the launch of the Flylo £1 flight to New York!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Yes, you are correct! £1 to New York City.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19(With a small booking fee of £480.)
0:01:19 > 0:01:23In an effort to make his service more attractive to business passengers,
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Omar is introducing brand new flat beds across his entire fleet.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34OK, it looks like normal seat, but is a flat bed at the press of the button.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, good night.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Wake me up when we get to Birmingham.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57HE SNORES
0:02:04 > 0:02:08The early morning Our Lady Air flight from Cork has hit turbulence,
0:02:08 > 0:02:14but cabin crew member Fearghal is quick to reassure his passengers.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Hello, is your name Holly?
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Your mummy tells me you've been feeling a wee bit scared, is that right?
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Yeah, she just gets a bit frightened, especially with all the turbulence.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Oh, you don't need to worry about that. That's just like a wee little pocket of air.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Like driving along a bumpy road. - You see?- Yeah.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37I've got somebody who's going to look after you, would you like to meet him? Yeah?
0:02:37 > 0:02:43Hello, my names Brandon O'Bear, I'd like to be your best friend.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45- Say thank you.- Thank you.
0:02:45 > 0:02:4735 euro.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Next, please.
0:02:49 > 0:02:54Meanwhile, over at the Flylo check-in, Melody is faced with a common problem.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Oh, I'm sorry, madam, your case is too heavy to go in the hold, madam.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03I'm going to have to ask you, madam, to remove some items from the case, please, madam.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Madam.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16How's that now?
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Still over, I'm afraid, madam.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22'All we hear from passengers is that they don't like the new baggage allowance rules,'
0:03:22 > 0:03:25but honestly, what do you really need to take on holiday?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Some Hawaiian Tropic, a couple of pairs of bikini bottoms
0:03:28 > 0:03:30and a pregnancy testing kit.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- I'm very sorry, madam, it's still too heavy.- How much over is it?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Five kilos. New Flylo rules.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42New baggage allowance is outlined very clearly on the Flylo website, madam.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44I was just about to tell the lady that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47What my colleague should have informed you, madam, is that it does state very clearly
0:03:47 > 0:03:51on the Flylo website that before you travel you do need to check the Flylo website, madam.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- I didn't realise.- www.Flylo.co.uk... - Right.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- .com.org.net.com...- Right.
0:03:58 > 0:04:04Then .com again. It's very simple, www.Flylo.co.uk.com.org.net.com.com.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Yes, thank you, Keeley. - Always happy to help, Melody.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Still over, I'm afraid.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Ah! That's fine now, madam. Have a good flight. Next, please.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Since they've both been up for the job of check-in manager,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27tensions have arisen between the two best friends.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30If I get promoted as check-in manager, well,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32when I get promoted as check-in manager,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I'm going to use the extra money to have a breast enhancement.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I actually had mine done when I was 12.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41I could only afford to get one done, so I had this one done at Christmas.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45I went from a D to an F, but if I get promoted I can have this one done as well.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Yeah, see if you can do a deal with the surgeon and get him to do your face at the same time.
0:04:49 > 0:04:56On the other side of the airport, Flylo employee Taaj has just been told of a serious plane malfunction.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00See what happened was was we was just getting the plane out of the hanger
0:05:00 > 0:05:04and the wing fell off, so what they've got to do is stick the wing back on the plane,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08but they've got to get themselves some special aeroplane glue, isn't it?
0:05:08 > 0:05:12So there's going to be a little bit of a delay, but thing is, I don't want to tell passengers this
0:05:12 > 0:05:14because it might make them tiny bit nervous,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17so I've just been thinking of other things that I can tell them instead.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Excuse me?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Yes, boss?- What's the delay?
0:05:21 > 0:05:27Erm, a volcano has erupted in Bradford and is spewing out all ash and that.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30We've had a phone call from a women who lives near the airport,
0:05:30 > 0:05:34and she's having a barbeque today, and she says please can we have
0:05:34 > 0:05:37no planes flying overhead because it's a bit noisy.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40We've run out of Appletize, so it's not safe to travel.
0:05:40 > 0:05:42The pilot parked the plane and he can't remember where he left it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46One of the stewards has got eczema so it would be a bit risky, isn't it?
0:05:46 > 0:05:51It's quite dark and the pilot is worried about flying the plane in case he can't see anything.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- Oh, really?- Yeah, really, how would you like to fly a plane at night?
0:05:54 > 0:05:59The pilot's still at home. He's watching Avatar on DVD and didn't realise how long it was.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01One of the stewards is a batty boy and he's just found out
0:06:01 > 0:06:06his boyfriend's been bumming someone else and he's just crying and crying, so we can't fly.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09That's ridiculous. I want a full refund.
0:06:09 > 0:06:13- But we cannot give a refund because it is an act of God, isn't it? - How is that an act of God?
0:06:13 > 0:06:15God made him batty.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Come on, come on, boy.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21Mickey and Buster, the airport's paparazzi, have just received
0:06:21 > 0:06:25a tip-off that a very important passenger is about to touch down.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Her Majesty the Queen.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Yeah, love the Queen. - Lovely old Queen.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Thing about the Queen is she's done nothing but good for this country,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37and when you see her on a postage stamp you can't help thinking,
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- "Oh! She's a fine looking woman." I would.- I would an' all.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43- In fact, I'd take a photo of you doing it.- That's very kind of you.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47- Be lovely to have a memento. - Yeah, I'm a traditional royalist, you know what I mean?
0:06:47 > 0:06:51When the National Anthem comes on, I'm always first on my feet. Yeah.
0:06:51 > 0:06:56# God save our gracious dum Long live our noble dum
0:06:56 > 0:06:58# Dum dum dum Queen
0:06:58 > 0:07:02# Land of hope and dum dum.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05# Rule Bri-dum dum # Britannia rules the dum... #
0:07:05 > 0:07:06PHONE RINGS
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Oh, hold up, what's going on?
0:07:09 > 0:07:13- Who is it?- Hello, hello. Oh, you're joking.- Who is it? Who is it?
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Who's joking?- Oh, you're joking. You're having a laugh! - Who's having a laugh?
0:07:16 > 0:07:19The Queen has got straight off her plane into her Daimler.
0:07:19 > 0:07:24- She's half way round the M25. We're not going to get a picture now. - She's gone right up herself.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- I can't help thinking this whole Queen thing's has gone to her head. - Cow.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30All we was going to do was get a nice little shot of her,
0:07:30 > 0:07:34crown on her head, corgi either side, showing a nice of bit of cleavage...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36Boom, 50 quid from the Daily Star.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40And if she's showing a bit of leg, we could flog it to Nuts Magazine. But no.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44No, she's forgetting the fans. People like us who put her where she is today.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48These celebrities complain about the paparazzi, but it's a two-way street, ain't it?
0:07:48 > 0:07:53- Yeah, it's a two way street. - Would she still be Queen if we didn't photograph her?
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- Yeah. - Yeah, I suppose she would yeah...
0:07:55 > 0:07:58- Yeah, she's the Queen after all. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:08:04 > 0:08:08Ian Foot is the airport's chief immigration officer.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12His job is to prevent illegal immigrants from entering the UK.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Working in immigration,
0:08:14 > 0:08:18you do sometimes get labelled with the racism tag.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22I do take my job very seriously, but I'm not in any way racist.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27In fact, one of my best friends is friends with a man who's black.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And he's very black.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Oh, yeah. Man, he's black, yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37Earlier today, Ian stopped a passenger at passport control
0:08:37 > 0:08:41whom he believes is trying to gain unlawful access into the country.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46Do you understand
0:08:46 > 0:08:50why I have brought you here?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52No, I don't.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57Well, it's clear to me that you've got a forged passport.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- No, I haven't. - Oh, it's a forgery, all right.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01A very good one, I'll grant you that.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- But, er, there is one slight giveaway.- And what is that?
0:09:05 > 0:09:11- There is no such country as Liberia. - Yes, there is, it's in Africa.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Oh, in Africa, you say.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14It's on a map, look on a map.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17All right, I will look on a map.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Yeah, I think I'm going to enjoy this.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23Right.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Liberia, you say?- Yes.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28We've got a new one, Chris, Liberia.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31Africa. Africa.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34Africa... Africa, Right, OK.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38So, Mrs Mbutu,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40would you be so kind as to point out
0:09:40 > 0:09:44the location of this so-called Liberia?
0:09:46 > 0:09:47There.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Oh, yes. Just hidden underneath Sierra Leone.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01What I'm going to do is, I'm going to let you in this time,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05but I would advise you, in future, to travel with a large atlas or globe
0:10:05 > 0:10:08so you can prove to people you haven't made up your country. Good day.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10This is disgraceful.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- Right.- You are a very ignorant man.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16- All right.- I am disgusted by the way that I have been treated.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17- OK.- May I leave now?!
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Yes.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23You have insulted the people of my country.
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Yeah, I'm actually on my lunch break now, so anything else you say doesn't really count.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29Oh!
0:10:31 > 0:10:33Don't know what rattled her cage.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39People come from far and wide to work at the airport.
0:10:39 > 0:10:46Tommy is obsessed with planes, and it's always been his dream to work in the aviation industry.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I really, really want to be a pilot,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52but I found out that you have to have passed lots of exam...examinin...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56tests to be one. So what I've decided to do instead
0:10:56 > 0:11:01is to get myself a job at the airport then work my way up to being a pilot.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06Er, cheeseburger.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09Press cheeseburger.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Large chocolate milkshake.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Press large chocolate milkshake.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Chicken nuggets.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Press chicken nuggets.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Two apple pies.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Press apple pie.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39Press it again.
0:11:39 > 0:11:44I found it quite complicated, but now I've served my first customer,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I think I'm definitely on my way to becoming a pilot.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Now ask, "Would you like fries with that?"
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Would you like fries with that? - Yeah, not me. Him.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56So next time you're on a plane, listen out because you might hear a voice saying,
0:11:56 > 0:12:02"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board, this is Captain Tommy speaking.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04"Would you like fries with that?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Meanwhile, there have been reports of a serious incident in duty free,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12and the police are on site within minutes.
0:12:12 > 0:12:18We've had reports of a gentleman who's very drunk and has been abusive to members of staff.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I'll have a can of whiskey. I tell you what, give us a kiss.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24It's all right, Margaret, I'll deal with it. Calm down, please, sir.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I just want one bottle of whiskey. What's the matter?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30You appear to be very drunk and you've been abusive to members of staff.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32I'll admit I've had a drink. I've had a drink. I won't fool you.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35- I've had a drink.- I need to escort you out of the terminal.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37I'm not going. Me plane goes in half an hour.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41We need to take you outside, get you some fresh air inside you and some black coffee.
0:12:41 > 0:12:42All right. I'll go.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I fly better when I've had a couple of drinks, anyway, you know what I mean.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Oh, I'll be all right, once I get up there. I'll open the window.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58The Our Lady Air flight to Dublin is boarding.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Morning.- Morning.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02And Fearghal is breaking in a new steward.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I'm really excited about today as it goes,
0:13:06 > 0:13:08cos I just qualified as a steward and this is my first ever flight
0:13:08 > 0:13:11and, you know, being a steward is great, you know,
0:13:11 > 0:13:16and the money's not bad, you get to travel a lot and, er, meet loads of birds. All right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18'Lasagne or coq au vin?'
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Lasagne or coq au vin?
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Hah... I had coq au vin last night.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Oh, right?- Yeah, my friend's just bought a transit.
0:13:31 > 0:13:32Lasagne or coq au vin?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35'I might be wrong, but I got a feeling'
0:13:35 > 0:13:38that the guy I'm working with could be gay.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Get you!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42I ain't got nothing against 'em, but I'm not one myself, so what
0:13:42 > 0:13:46I'm going to do is I'm going to subtly mention that I'm straight
0:13:46 > 0:13:47and hope he gets the message.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Any duty free for you today?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Any duty free for you today?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Any duty free for you today? - Any duty free for you today?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- Any duty free for you today? - Any duty free for you today?
0:13:56 > 0:13:58Any duty free for you today?
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Yes, some Chanel No5, please.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, certainly, madam, there you go.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05That's what my girlfriend likes.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09- Oh, right? - Yeah, I buy it for my girlfriend.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Cos my girlfriend likes it, cos I really love my GIRLFRIEND.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Great.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17Girlfriend!
0:14:17 > 0:14:19'I don't know what it is about Lee,'
0:14:19 > 0:14:21but I'm getting quite a gay vibe from him.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Mind you, you know what they say.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26What's the difference between a straight man and a bisexual?
0:14:26 > 0:14:27Two pints of lager.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Another pint of lager? - Yeah, all right.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Before their return flight tomorrow,
0:14:32 > 0:14:38- Lee and Fearghal have been booked into a hotel in Dublin.- Bottoms up.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Ain't you drinking? - No, I like to stay in control.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# You raise me up
0:14:47 > 0:14:53# So I can stand on mountains
0:14:53 > 0:14:57# You raise me up
0:14:57 > 0:15:01# To walk on stormy sea... #
0:15:04 > 0:15:09It's 8am and back at the airport, coffee kiosk employee Precious
0:15:09 > 0:15:10is faced with the morning rush...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Come on! Shoo!
0:15:12 > 0:15:15..but she's having to close early.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Problem today, we got no paper cup.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22We got coffee, we got milk, we got water, we got fire, we got sugar,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26we got sweetener, we got chocolate sprinkle but we got no paper cup.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Well, we suppose we got no option but to spend the rest of the day playing
0:15:30 > 0:15:34on the fruit machines with the petty cash from the till.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Praise the lord for the £30 jackpot.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41Closed. Oh, don't worry, me going to give all me winnings to the church.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44On the third day he rose again.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Hallelujah.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya
0:15:51 > 0:15:55# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya
0:15:57 > 0:16:02# Kumbaya my Lord Kumbaya
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# Oh Lord Kumbaya. #
0:16:05 > 0:16:09Over at the check-in desks, Melody and Keeley are hard at work.
0:16:09 > 0:16:13To be honest, I really took this job because I wanted to travel.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17I felt I needed to broaden my horizons, and this year I've already
0:16:17 > 0:16:21flown to Birmingham, Manchester and had a week in Luton.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Since the opportunity for promotion has arisen, Keeley has been keeping
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- a close eye on her friend's performance.- Thank you.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Melody, you didn't ask the security questions.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- Oh, sorry, sir. I forgot to ask you the security questions.- OK.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Did you pack the case yourself?- No.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Could anyone have interfered with your luggage at any point?- Yes.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- Did anyone ask you to bring anything onto the aircraft?- Yes.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Does your bag contain any lighters, aerosols or any sharp objects?
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Yes, all of those. - Good. Enjoy the flight.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Yes, I think what happened earlier with the security questions does show that whichever
0:16:54 > 0:16:59one of us does get Helen's job, it's probably better if it's someone with experience.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02I think experience is important, but I know
0:17:02 > 0:17:05in my short time at the company I have already made a big impact.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07I don't know if you've seen this.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11This is the Flylo Hotties calendar that was brought out last year.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15Omar Baba personally selected all the sexiest girls who work for the airline.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18And I was actually Miss October.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20You weren't asked to do that, were you, Keeley?
0:17:20 > 0:17:23No, I wasn't, Melody, but I probably wouldn't get involved
0:17:23 > 0:17:26with something like that because I think it's quite down market.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29You posted that video of you and your boyfriend on You Porn.
0:17:29 > 0:17:30That was artistic.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36Simon and Jackie Trent are Britain's first husband and wife pilot team.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39Five years ago Simon had an affair,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42but the couple are keen to put the incident behind them.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Having re-trained as a pilot, Jackie now accompanies Simon on all his flights.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Yeah, well, obviously it can be stressful.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You live together, you work together.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53I don't find it stressful.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56What I'm saying is, you know, sometimes there is that danger
0:17:56 > 0:17:59that you've had a row at home and you bring it into work.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01No. Not a problem for me.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07'Swiftbird. 240 degrees to intercept the ILS.'
0:18:07 > 0:18:11240 to intercept the ILS. Swiftbird.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15'Swiftbird. When established, clear to descend on the ILS,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18'runway 27, right. Report at four Delta.'
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Clear to descend on the ILS, Swiftbird.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26Can I just say you've got a really lovely voice?
0:18:26 > 0:18:28'Er, thank you.'
0:18:28 > 0:18:32Yeah, you've just got really lovely velvety tones.
0:18:32 > 0:18:37- 'Thanks.'- I'm First Officer Jackie Trent, by the way.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39'Oh. Um. I'm Nigel Stowe.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41'Nice to speak to you, Jackie. Out.'
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Are you on Facebook?
0:18:46 > 0:18:49- 'Repeat that. Over.' - Are you on Facebook? Over.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Jackie...- I just really want to see what you look like.
0:18:53 > 0:18:58'Er, for the record, I'm tall, I've got black hair and a moustache.'
0:18:58 > 0:18:59You sound hot. Over.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Jackie, we've begun our descent. I need you to concentrate.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07Oh, excuse me, Simon! I'm not the one who screwed someone else!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- 'Just to say you're clear for final approach.'- Thank you.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- Did you Sky+ Strictly?- Yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:27Back in the terminal, Taaj is helping Flylo passengers check-in as quickly as possible.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29Is you travelling with just hand luggage?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?- No.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?- No.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Is you travelling with just hand luggage?
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- Is you travelling with just hand luggage?- Yes.- You is?
0:19:39 > 0:19:44OK, come with me madam because we can now check you in electrono-logically, isn't it?
0:19:44 > 0:19:48But I do need to make sure that your bag fits into the overhead locker.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Well, it's not going to fit in there, is it?
0:19:51 > 0:19:56Oh. Oh, no. Well, you better join the back of the queue then, isn't it?
0:19:56 > 0:19:59This is ridiculous! You couldn't get anything in there.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04No, I know. Me and my mates was mucking about last night. I couldn't even get me cock in it.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11Moses looks after first and business class passengers for Great British Air.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15He's just been alerted that there's a very nervous flyer on board
0:20:15 > 0:20:18this flight to Budapest, which is ready for take off.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Are you my frightened lady?- Yes.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25Do you mind if I just perch my little bottom down here?
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Have you been offered a small glass of fresh orange juice
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- and a complimentary browse of the Daily Mail?- Yes, thank you.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33OK, my love.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Now I'm going to give you a few facts about flight safety
0:20:37 > 0:20:39just to put your mind at rest, if you'll pardon the pun?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42Please.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46Do you know how many planes actually went down last year?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I don't know.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- Have a guess.- I don't really want to think about it.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- Go on.- Five?
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- More than that.- Ten?
0:20:58 > 0:20:59More than that.
0:20:59 > 0:21:0150?
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- A lot more than that.- 150?
0:21:03 > 0:21:05- Little bit less.- 140?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07122.
0:21:07 > 0:21:08That's all.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And do you know how many planes were lost at sea last year?
0:21:12 > 0:21:13I don't know.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Nine. OK, this is a fun one.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- No, thank you. I don't want to do this any more.- No, no, no. This is a nice one.
0:21:19 > 0:21:25Do you know how many planes were accidentally shot down in military exercises?
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- I wouldn't want to think about that. - Four.
0:21:28 > 0:21:32OK? So I hope those little facts have put your mind at rest.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33Happy flighting.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38'Ladies and gentleman if you could just make sure your seatbelts
0:21:38 > 0:21:43'are fastened as we've just been given clearance of take off.'
0:21:43 > 0:21:48Budget airline Flylo have recently started selling holidays.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51Judith and Peter were among the first customers to enjoy a Flylo cruise.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55- Excuse me, Peter.- Sorry, Judith.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58We'd like to make a formal complaint, please.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00We have had the cruise from hell!
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- When we boarded...- Peter! - Sorry, Judith.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05When we boarded the Flylo cruise liner,
0:22:05 > 0:22:09we were shown to our quarters in the bowels of the ship.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Only to discover that our cabin was flooded waist-deep with seawater.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15But we thought, "Ho hum, let's get on with it.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19- "It's only our bottom halves that are going to get wet."- So we set sail...
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Peter, I'm talking. It's very rude. - Sorry, Judith.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26We set sail and we'd only just left the port at Athens when it emerged
0:22:26 > 0:22:30that all 780 passengers on board the vessel had contracted dysentery.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32You had to queue for 14 hours...
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Peter, you and I are going to come to blows in a minute.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You had to queue for 14 hours to use the lavatories.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Well, we'd been waiting 13 hours and it was very nearly our turn
0:22:41 > 0:22:45when we heard gunshots and discovered the boat had been boarded by pirates.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- They rounded up all the passengers...- Peter!
0:22:49 > 0:22:53They rounded up all the passengers on deck and singled out Peter and I
0:22:53 > 0:22:56and took us hostage, which meant we missed the buffet.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59We were then taken to a room and told that one of us
0:22:59 > 0:23:02was going to have to perform sexual acts upon the pirates at gunpoint.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06Well, I popped my hand in the air and volunteered Peter,
0:23:06 > 0:23:09but before my husband had a chance to engage in anything other than
0:23:09 > 0:23:14mild foreplay with three of the men the boat was stormed by the Greek coast guard.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17There was a shoot-out. Bodies everywhere and just as I thought,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"Surely this cruise can't get any worse,"
0:23:20 > 0:23:23we discovered that the cabaret that night was John Barrowman.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25That's when I broke down.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32It's 4pm and although it's been several hours since Precious
0:23:32 > 0:23:36was forced to close the coffee kiosk, she's still at the airport.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Oh, a very bad thing just happened.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42I was playing on me Deal Or No Deal fruit machine.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46You know the television show with that nice Christian boy Noel Edmonson?
0:23:46 > 0:23:51Well the Devil must've got inside Noel cos he just thieved £180 of the petty cash from me.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54Well, don't worry because I'm going to win all the money back.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Have you got change of a £10 note?
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Quick as you can, my love.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I don't have £10, I've only got £5.
0:24:01 > 0:24:03There's a place for you in heaven.
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Hey! Get away from that fruit machine! I've got my money in there!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Gambling is the Devil's work.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Come on, Noel.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18Our Lady Air cabin crew Fearghal and Lee are working the return flight from Dublin.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- Croissant or muesli? - Croissant or muesli?
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Croissant or muesli?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Croissant or muesli? - Croissant or muesli?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28What happened last night was very much a one-off.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30I've told Fearghal that.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34I think just cos you have sex with a guy don't make you a gay.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Lee certainly knows how to please a man.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It was mind-blowing. He threw me round the room like a rag doll.
0:24:39 > 0:24:44It was the most intense, animalistic, erotic encounter of my life.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Hope me girlfriend don't see this.
0:24:56 > 0:25:00David Schwimmer has been stopped and searched at Customs.
0:25:00 > 0:25:05The Friends star was attempting to smuggle a large number of illegal items into the country.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08One copy Chicks With Dicks.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12One copy She-male Orgy.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- One copy Tranny Mania.- Tranny Mania.
0:25:15 > 0:25:19One copy She-male Orgy 3.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21One copy Lady Boy Lick Fest.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Final item - one copy She-male Sandwich.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Right. You're aware these items are illegal in the UK.
0:25:30 > 0:25:35In which case would you care to explain to me why you have attempted to bring them into the country?
0:25:35 > 0:25:42Well, this is very, very difficult for me because I don't want to get someone else in trouble...
0:25:42 > 0:25:49but...they're actually a present for a friend.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Which friend?- Matt Le Blanc.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Matt Le Blanc?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56That's correct.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00It's sad, but erm,
0:26:00 > 0:26:06he really can only become aroused when watching this sort of material.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Have you watched any of these films?
0:26:09 > 0:26:14I have and I found it absolutely disgusting.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Which of the DVDs did you watch, Mr Schwimmer?- All of them.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19All of them.
0:26:19 > 0:26:26I was very curious as to what kind of films Matt had asked me to buy for him.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Really?- Mm-hmm.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34You know the stories actually do kind of drag you in.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38You know, will the pool get cleaned?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42- You do realise that we have no option but to confiscate these items?- Yeah, I do, I do.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47And actually I'm glad because when Matt sees this on TV
0:26:47 > 0:26:51he will understand that what he asked me to do is utterly unacceptable.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54In fact, can I,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57can I just address the camera for a second?
0:26:57 > 0:27:01Matt, this is your friend David Schwimmer.
0:27:01 > 0:27:03You've got a problem, buddy,
0:27:03 > 0:27:06and I'm...
0:27:06 > 0:27:09I mean you... Look, you're sick and you need help
0:27:09 > 0:27:14and I will do everything within my power to help you get help.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Thank you.
0:27:16 > 0:27:17Thank you.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Thank you all.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23You guys are doing an excellent, an excellent job here
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- and I really appreciate it. - Sit down, sir.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28They're for Jennifer Anniston.
0:27:32 > 0:27:37And so another eventful day at the airport draws to a close.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Captain Stirick had a strong coffee and flew the airbus to Vienna.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47Omar's flatbeds scheme went down like a cup of cold sick.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52And David Schwimmer was admitted to a clinic in Arizona
0:27:52 > 0:27:56to treat his addiction to transsexual pornography.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:14 > 0:28:18E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk