0:00:02 > 0:00:05This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.
0:00:05 > 0:00:09On today's show, would-be pilot Tommy goes plane spotting.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11There's a plane!
0:00:11 > 0:00:12There's a plane.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Flylo owner, Omar, gets personal.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Richard Branston is well known homosexual.
0:00:19 > 0:00:22If you want to have bum bum time in the sky, you fly with him!
0:00:22 > 0:00:26And we go behind the scenes to meet the baggage handlers.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05It's 7am and Melody's first passengers of the day are proving difficult.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08Children under two travel free,
0:01:08 > 0:01:11but Melody believes this woman's son may not qualify.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Ross will be two the day after we get back from Malaga!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- He doesn't look two to me. - Well, he's big for his age!
0:01:17 > 0:01:19He's playing a computer game!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23They grow up so fast these days - he's walking, he's talking, he's even smoking.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Madam, if a child is above 24 months you need to buy them their own seat.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- He's going to sit on my lap. - I ain't sitting on your lap!
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- You are sitting on my lap! - I ain't gay.
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Ross, come here. How old are you?
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Ross...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37One and half.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39What year were you born?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Last year.- See.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43I'm sorry, madam, I don't believe your son is
0:01:43 > 0:01:46under 24 months and as such you will have to buy him own ticket.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Slag.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- Dealing with the public can be very stressful.- Stressful, yeah.
0:01:52 > 0:01:56But if you work at check-in, you do get a great discount on flights.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- In fact I went away only last week. - Did you have a good time?
0:01:59 > 0:02:04Yeah, the weather was amazing and I just laid out by the pool and there was loads of really hot guys.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- Where did you go? - Abroad.- Yeah, but where?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Well, I didn't get the name of the country, but it was very nice.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Flylo owner, Omar Baba, is not enjoying the morning papers.
0:02:15 > 0:02:21Yesterday a passenger lost a leg on board one of his flights and the story is everywhere.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25She claims that because the seats were too close together,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28her leg was trapped and she developed blood clot
0:02:28 > 0:02:32and in the end the stewardess had no option but to amputate.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37I do not feel in any way responsible, but as gesture of good will
0:02:37 > 0:02:42I sent her a very beautiful Christian Louboutin shoe.
0:02:42 > 0:02:47To reassure potential customers, Omar has decided to film a commercial.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50Hello, my name is Omar Baba.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You know me, I am the owner of Flylo.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Some people have criticised my airline for not having enough
0:02:57 > 0:03:00leg room, but I'm here to reassure you that there is more than enough.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Here are some of my happy passengers.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Hello, my friends, have you got enough leg room?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Yes, thank you, Omar.- You see.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Flylo has so much leg room, maybe too much.
0:03:13 > 0:03:14No?
0:03:17 > 0:03:18Did you use dwarves in that?
0:03:18 > 0:03:21No, they were not dwarves.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24How dare you? How dare you insult them like that!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Get out, get out, get out of my plane! Shoo shoo.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Go, go, get out of my plane!
0:03:29 > 0:03:33Half an hour, later Omar calls us back to his office.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38I would like to take opportunity to apologise for my outburst.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I've since found out that they were, in fact, dwarves.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47I've launched full investigation at how this could happened
0:03:47 > 0:03:52and in meantime, I've had dwarves sent back to Magic Forest.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Is you rolling, is you rolling?
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Don't lie, is you rolling? What you filming this on anyway, is it 3D?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01You do know if it not 3D nobody's going to watch it, isn't it?
0:04:01 > 0:04:07Taaj works as one of Flylo's roving ground crew, but his real ambition is to become a film director.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11OK, so here's my favourite films of all time in reversalogical order.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16Avatar, Transformers 2 Revenge Of The Fallen, Avatar - Director's Cut,
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Transformers, Prince of Persia - The Sands of Time, Clash of Titans,
0:04:21 > 0:04:26Avatar - Ultimate Edition, Avatar - Special Edition, Winnie the Pooh on a Blustery Day,
0:04:26 > 0:04:30X-Men Origins - Wolverine and me favouritest film of all time is Avatar 2.
0:04:30 > 0:04:35I know it's not been made yet, but I just know it's going to be the best film ever.
0:04:35 > 0:04:41A committed film fan, Taaj often comes in early to browse the latest DVDs.
0:04:41 > 0:04:46There's some good movies here, isn't it? Have you seen this movie, Alien Versus Predator?
0:04:46 > 0:04:48This is exactly the kind of movie I would like to direct.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53Because it's actually twice as good as most movies, because it's got Alien and Predator.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56There's another movie like this - Freddie Versus Jason.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00And then I saw another one, but I didn't think it was as good - Kramer Versus Kramer.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05I think it's really wrong that people illegally download films. It's killing the film industry, man.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I would never do that, I buy all my films.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11I don't buy them here - it's way too expensive.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15I buy them from this Chinese man down the pub, they is only 99p, isn't it?
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- Oh, man, Avatar. Have you see Avatar?- No.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21You haven't? You're gay, man, I'm not being funny, you are gay.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Chief Immigration Officer, Ian Foot, has to stay
0:05:25 > 0:05:30in peak physical condition to safeguard our nation's borders.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Every day millions of people try and enter this country illegally.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37A lot of them are foreign, many of them are dirty
0:05:37 > 0:05:40and unfortunately all of them are smelly.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44My job, in a word, is to keep them out.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49This morning, suspicions have arisen over a passenger who has flown in from Paris.
0:05:49 > 0:05:55Do-you-understand-why-you-are-here?
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Yes, I speak perfect English.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Good!
0:06:01 > 0:06:06The problem is I do not believe you are the same person as in your passport photograph.
0:06:06 > 0:06:10It is me. I just had a moustache when that was taken.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- That is not the only difference. - What else is there?
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- The shirt is different.- Yes, I was wearing a different shirt that day.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- The background is different. - You don't say.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Also in the photograph your face is grey in colour,
0:06:27 > 0:06:31whereas today it's more of a pinky hue.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35The picture is in black and white. What are you, an idiot?
0:06:36 > 0:06:39That sort of language will have you thrown out of this country.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41You make no mistake about that, young lad.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43To help settle the issue,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Ian decides to take a different approach.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Right.
0:06:49 > 0:06:50Ah.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55In the photograph the gentleman clearly has a moustache,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59but you look like you've just had one drawn on with a pen. Not even very well.
0:07:00 > 0:07:05I've decided that the best course of action is to detain our friend
0:07:05 > 0:07:10here until such time that his moustache grows and take a view then.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13If in doubt, keep them out.
0:07:18 > 0:07:24Great British Air's only flying couple are Captain Simon Trent and his wife, Jackie.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- You've put on a lot of weight. - We've been through this. - I didn't marry a fat man.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31But today, for the first time, they are working apart.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34We're actually flying to different places today.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- That's right.- I've been put on a flight to the Isle of Man.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42Whereas Simon is jetting off to Las Vegas. Las Vegas - the city of sin, isn't it, Simon?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- I wouldn't know.- Oh, you would know, you know all about sin.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- Jackie...- Lap dancing bars galore.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Hookers on call 24 hours a day. - Are there?- Yes, there are.
0:07:51 > 0:07:57- I Googled escort service Las Vegas and there were 1.3 million results. - What did you do that for?
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Because a marriage is all about trust and unfortunately, you broke that trust when you had an affair.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05How many times! It wasn't an affair, it was a one-night stand.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09You told me you did it again in the morning and that to me is an affair.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13I think every woman out there would agree with me.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18At the boarding gate for the flight to Las Vegas, Jackie is waiting with a surprise for Simon.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- What's she doing here?- Hello, Simon.
0:08:22 > 0:08:28I booked Mummy a last-minute seat so she could come with you. I know how much you love spending time with her.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- Yes.- Come on, Simon!
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- Have a great time together.- We will.
0:08:38 > 0:08:43I bought her some mace and a rape alarm, just in case he tries it on with her.
0:08:44 > 0:08:50Every day thousands of items of luggage pass through the airport.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54They are sorted by handlers like John and his son, Terry.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57Nah, this ain't the easiest job in the world, this.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59- All people do is moan about us, don't they, Dad?- Yeah.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03They say we're always on strike, or stealing stuff from the luggage.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Yeah, but if we're on strike, we can't be stealing stuff from the luggage, can we?
0:09:07 > 0:09:10And if we're stealing from the luggage, we must be at work.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14So the idea that we're always doing both at the same time is just not true.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18Yeah, people moan that their bags always end up in the wrong places.
0:09:18 > 0:09:22You see the thing is if we're supposed to get a bag on the flight
0:09:22 > 0:09:25to New York and we miss it we just sling it on a plane to Delhi.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30At least that way the passenger's got the peace of mind of knowing that their bag has left London.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- And the cases are getting heavier. - It's a nightmare.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37Some people can't go abroad without taking the kitchen sink nowadays.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Well, it ain't a problem for you - you don't lift no cases no more.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Nah, I put me back out 2003, so I don't lift no bags no more, nah.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Nah, I'm lucky not to be in a wheelchair, me.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52- You was only lifting an umbrella. - Yeah, had a wooden handle, though.
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Cheeky sod.
0:09:55 > 0:09:57# Morning has broken... #
0:09:57 > 0:10:02It's 11:30 and over at the coffee kiosk, Precious is once again having to close early.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Before my shift started this morning me went to the nail salon
0:10:05 > 0:10:08in Terminal 2 to get some false nails put on.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12It is me stepniece Prudence's christening on the weekend,
0:10:12 > 0:10:17but the women in the nail salon, she made my nails too long and, look, they're not my colour either.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Look, you see, you see the nail?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24So now me cannot grip properly. So me cannot make no double espresso.
0:10:24 > 0:10:31Me cannot make no skinny latte. Me cannot make no caramel macchiato and me cannot make no frappe cappuccino!
0:10:31 > 0:10:38Beware Satan. So it is with great regret that I must close the store early and go back to the nail salon
0:10:38 > 0:10:44and have another manicure and also a pedicure. Praise be to Jesus for his complimentary peppermint foot scrub!
0:10:44 > 0:10:48He died so that we may live. Amen.
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Penny is the head stewardess in Great British Air's First Class.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57Our first class service is the finest in the world.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01Upon boarding one is served champagne and canapes.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Then it's a five-course lunch with wine.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Ten minutes after that we serve sandwiches and scones then after
0:11:08 > 0:11:11that it's dinner, followed by a cheese board and liqueurs.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Then you're force-fed a whole box of chocolate truffles.
0:11:14 > 0:11:21Then we darken the cabin for a few seconds and then serve a full English breakfast. Welcome to First Class.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Today she is welcoming passengers on board a flight to New York.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Our departure today will be slightly delayed. We had a Welsh
0:11:29 > 0:11:35gentleman travelling with us this morning and as a precaution I had the entire first class cabin de-loused.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- Welcome to First Class. - Afternoon.- Economy is that way.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42- No, we're travelling First Class. - Let me see your boarding passes.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Our son bought us the tickets for our 40th wedding anniversary.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- Have you travelled First Class before?- No.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51I don't think you'd like it in there.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54- I think you'd find it too nice. - Well, we're happy to give it a try.
0:11:54 > 0:11:59The thing is, there are people in there who travel First Class all the time and one of the things
0:11:59 > 0:12:02they pay for is not to have to look at people like you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04But we've got First Class seats.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07But if I let you in, you'll hog the copy of Tattler, you'll try
0:12:07 > 0:12:11and steal the Molton Brown handwash from the lavatorium and you'll spit on the floor.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- We wouldn't do that! - You look like spitters to me.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17We've got the tickets and we're going in whether you like it or not!
0:12:21 > 0:12:26Tommy came to the airport to pursue his dream of becoming a pilot.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28But so far, he's only made it as far as Happy Burger.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It's going really well.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34I'm nae a pilot just yet, but I have got three stars on my name badge.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Er, this one was for being here a week.
0:12:37 > 0:12:41This one was for putting the cheese into cheese burgers and this one was for mopping up sick.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45They're so impressed with me they've made me be Assistant Supervisor.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49So now it's my job to train up the new staff.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50Can I have a burger, please?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Burger.- Burger.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56- Press burger.- Press burger.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Onion rings.- Onion rings.
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Onion rings.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Press onion rings.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Press onion rings.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I do still like to have the Supervisor with me, just to make sure I'm doing it right.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- Fries.- Fries.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Fries.- What size fries?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- What fries size?- What fries fries?
0:13:17 > 0:13:19- Small.- Small.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21- Small.- Press small then.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Press small then.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- Strawberry milkshake. - Strawberry milkshake.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- Chocolate milkshake. - No, strawberry milkshake.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- No strawberry milkshake. - No strawberry milkshake.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35I have to be careful though. If I too many get stars
0:13:35 > 0:13:38there's a danger I may become over-qualified to be a pilot.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40Can I have the code for the toilet, please?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Can I have the code for the toilet, please?
0:13:43 > 0:13:47- Can I have the code for the toilet, please?- 295.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48245.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50361.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55Penny's flight for New York is minutes from takeoff.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Look at her!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59Disgusting little piggy. Eugh!
0:13:59 > 0:14:04Look at him - guzzling champagne like some filthy backstreet wino.
0:14:05 > 0:14:10- Excuse me, would you take a photo of us, please?- That's it. Out!
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- What we done wrong?- Lewd behaviour.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- Excuse me?- Loutishness, coarseness and all round general yokelism.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19On your feet, chop chop, out.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23We're not going anywhere! You've been nothing but rude to us since the moment we got here.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27SIREN WAILS Air Rage! Air Rage!
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Air Rage! Air Rage! Air Rage!
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Unfortunately, I had no option but to have those two passengers ejected from the plane.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Can you stand up for me, please, sir?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39My recommendation will be that they are banned from all future air travel.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44So perhaps next time they're on a plane they'll think about their behaviour.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Well, they won't be on a plane, but you know what I mean.
0:14:51 > 0:14:56- It's one o'clock and Melody and Keeley are enjoying a well-earned lunch break.- How's it going?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00- Yeah, good. I got the stick, the patches and the gum.- Is it working?
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Yeah, I'm down to 40 a day.- Oh.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06- Hi, girls! - God, you look ready to pop.
0:15:06 > 0:15:07I've got a way to go yet.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10- Is it twins? - No, I've had the scan, it's a girl.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14At least you won't have to worry about it being born under weight.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I think it's great you having a baby at your age.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20- Right.- Yeah, you get more and more older mums these days.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Yeah, like my mum, she had me when she was 17.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31What a bitch.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Also having lunch are the passengers of Fearghal's Our Lady Air flight.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42We're flying to Rome today, so I put in a special food order for all the wee Italian folk on board.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44For starters we have melon, with Parma spam.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Then spaghetti hoops. And for dessert -
0:15:47 > 0:15:49a Cornetto!
0:15:49 > 0:15:53We were meant to have some nice Italian red wine, but it didn't arrive.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So I'm just giving everyone a carton of Ribena.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Right. Who's ready for lunch?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today?
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Yes, please, but I ordered a special meal.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05That's right, 17D, Mr Ahmed.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08Yes, I have it right here. There we are.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Thank you.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Excuse me, I ordered a Halal meal.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- What have I given you? - You've given me a Kosher meal.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17It's all the same, isn't it?
0:16:17 > 0:16:21No, no, Halal meal is for Muslims and the Kosher meal for Jews.
0:16:21 > 0:16:26I think you'll find there's only one true god and that's the Christian God. Enjoy your meal.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Will you be dining with us today? Will you be dining with us today?
0:16:29 > 0:16:34Lunchtime is the perfect opportunity for Ian Foot to relax.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37It's very important the whole life isn't work, work, work, work.
0:16:37 > 0:16:43The rest of the Immigration Officers, they tend to go off to the canteen together at lunch time. So I like
0:16:43 > 0:16:47to relax and unwind by sitting in my office on my own
0:16:47 > 0:16:51and working on an idea I've had actually for a board game.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's called Keep Em Out
0:16:53 > 0:16:57and it's a fun immigration game for five to eight-year-olds.
0:16:57 > 0:17:04Yes, it's very simple, this white figure here is an Immigration Officer and you are one of these hordes
0:17:04 > 0:17:08of black, brown and yellow figures and the object of the game is
0:17:08 > 0:17:12to gain unlawful access into the United Kingdom of Great Britain.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15So you roll the dice - four. One, two, three, four.
0:17:15 > 0:17:16Pick a card.
0:17:16 > 0:17:21"You have smuggled yourself into the country on the back of a lorry.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"Move forward one square." Pick a card.
0:17:23 > 0:17:28"You get a job as a mini cab driver. Move forward five squares."
0:17:28 > 0:17:30One, two, three, four, five.
0:17:30 > 0:17:31Pick a card.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Ah!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36"A terrorist cell is discovered in your local place of worship.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40"Move back two squares." That's unlucky.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Pick a card.
0:17:41 > 0:17:46"You don't make any effort whatsoever to learn English - move forward six squares."
0:17:46 > 0:17:50One, two, three, four, five, six. Roll again.
0:17:51 > 0:17:58Final square. Congratulations, you have been given a luxury penthouse at the expense of the British taxpayer.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03End of the game. I did send it off to Waddingtons, but I didn't hear back.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08I can only assume they've got something similar in development.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12Officers Roberts and Stewart work in Customs.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15When you go through Customs, you are required to either pass through
0:18:15 > 0:18:18the red channel, which means you've got goods to declare.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Or the green channel, which means you've also got goods
0:18:21 > 0:18:24to declare, but you're going to try and get away with it.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29A routine search of a passenger passing through the green channel...
0:18:29 > 0:18:33- Someone's been busy.- ..has revealed a large haul of illegal substances.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37This is quite a find. What we need to do now before we can officially charge the suspect
0:18:37 > 0:18:42is identify and catalogue the substances found in the gentleman's suitcase.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Yup, I believe this substance is either cocaine or amphetamine.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57I think it's cocaine.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Yeah, that's definitely cocaine.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Cocaine.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Wishwings. Collecting for Wishwings.
0:19:10 > 0:19:16Executive Passenger Liaison Moses is spending a rare afternoon off collecting money for charity.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18No? Selfish. Wishwings?
0:19:18 > 0:19:23I keep it very quiet, but I actually do a lot of work for charity
0:19:23 > 0:19:27and I have my own charity, called Wishwings. If you'll pardon the pun.
0:19:27 > 0:19:32'We take very ill children and give them the flight of their lives.'
0:19:32 > 0:19:36That's a free economy class ticket one-way.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Last year I took a young girl to San Francisco. Unfortunately
0:19:40 > 0:19:44she was too ill to leave the hotel room, but I had a wonderful time.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48And this year I'm planning to take a group of sick children to the Sydney Mardi Gras.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Basically, all the parents get sent one of these
0:19:51 > 0:19:54and they can choose any destination they like.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh!
0:19:57 > 0:20:01I'm about to meet a very brave little boy called Charlie.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04His parents wrote to me and said he's not well at all,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07so I'm taking him for a magical weekend in Mykonos. Hello.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Hello, you must be Moses.- I didn't know he was in a wheelchair.
0:20:11 > 0:20:16- I'm afraid Charlie's taken a turn for the worse so he's had to start using the chair.- Oh.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- Is that a problem? - Well, it's just a lot of the bars I was planning to go to are
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- in the backstreets and there's quite a lot of steps.- Aren't you taking him to the beach?
0:20:25 > 0:20:29To be honest, I'm so shattered from the clubs the night before I don't make it to the beach.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He was really looking forward to it.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35Yes, but the priority for me has always got to be Charlie.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39My concern is only for his health and well-being. Do you understand me?
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- Yes.- I think the best thing is, I go to Mykonos and then I call Charlie
0:20:43 > 0:20:47while I'm there and tell him what a wonderful time I'm having. Yeah?
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yeah, would you like that, Charlie? Yeah!
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Of course you would, course you would!
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Oh, it's not contagious, is it?
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Right, well, nice to meet you. Bye-bye.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02We'll let you know how he gets on.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Yeah, text me.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Yes, it's a wonderful feeling helping others.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Just seeing the look on little Charlie's face when I told him
0:21:11 > 0:21:16I was going to phone him from Mykonos, it was very special.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Sorry. Sorry...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22I'm just... I'm just a little bit upset thinking about Charlie.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25I'm fine, I'm fine.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29It's just I thinking about Charlie.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34I'm fine.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Did you see Charlie's face?
0:21:39 > 0:21:42- ANNOUNCEMENT - Oh, it's my flight.
0:21:45 > 0:21:50Back in customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart are still cataloguing the drugs.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I dunno what that is.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57Heroin.
0:22:00 > 0:22:01Is it?
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Was they?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06Did ya? Nice!
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Taaj is reaching the end of his shift, but has just been phoned
0:22:11 > 0:22:13by a colleague who has some very exciting news.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18OK, so last weekend I wrote a movie script which I'm going to direct,
0:22:18 > 0:22:23produce, star in, do the music and my mother is very, very kindly going to do the catering.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28It's called Future Cop 2000 and it's all about this cop from the future
0:22:28 > 0:22:32called Sanjay who solves crimes and that. It's really good, isn't it?
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Very original, too. Excellent.
0:22:34 > 0:22:40So what I need to do is find a big Hollywood movie star to help me get this project off the ground.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Now I just heard that Rupert Grints from the Harry Potters is flying in from LA.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46So I'm going to see if I can give the script to him.
0:22:46 > 0:22:51I'm so excited, man, this is my chance to be a big time movie directors!
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Rupert. Hey, man, Rupert!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55You is that Rupert Grints, isn't it?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- Rupert Grint, yeah. - That's what I said, Rupert Grints.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- I love you, man, you is like one of my favouritest actors of all times.- Thank you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07I love Harry Potter, but I never realised you looked like that, I thought your face was all CGI.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I haven't seen them all, though. I've only seen the one
0:23:10 > 0:23:13where they're all in a school and it's all magic, wizards and shit.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17- Oh, yeah, and I downloaded that film Driving School.- Did you enjoy it?
0:23:17 > 0:23:21I'm glad I didn't pay for it. It was just you and Julie Walters talking.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23There were no tits or arse. You could at least done sex on her.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- It's a really good film.- No, me and my brother didn't like it.- Next.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30- I've got to get my case, nice to meet you.- I've writ a movie script.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32Right.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Yeah, it's called Future Cop 2000, right, and I'm going to star in it,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39but I need a really brilliant young British actor to play the enemy.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Thanks.- So can you give that to Daniel Radcliffe?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Tell him it's the part of the evil cyber, Wahid!
0:23:49 > 0:23:53I'm shaking, man - that is the actual Ron Weasels!
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Flylo recently branched out into offering package holidays.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00But these customers are far from happy.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- I would like a complaint form, please!- What's the problem?
0:24:03 > 0:24:09Well, we booked a holiday through your so-called company and we have had the holiday from hell!
0:24:09 > 0:24:13It was our anniversary, so we booked to go to Cyprus.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16- It all started when we got off the plane.- Yes, thank you, Peter.
0:24:16 > 0:24:22It all started when we got off the plane and discovered that the Flylo hotel complex hadn't been built yet.
0:24:22 > 0:24:28It was just a mound of earth. Well, that was our first disappointment, but we thought,
0:24:28 > 0:24:32"Ho-hum, let's get on with it," and we dug a hole in the ground and stayed there.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- We booked for a continental breakfast.- Yes, thank you, Peter.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39We booked for a continental breakfast - meats and cheeses, a selection
0:24:39 > 0:24:43of pastries, a choice of tea or coffee - but there was no food.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Not a sausage.- You're now complicating matters, Peter, because
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- in fairness to Flylo, they never promised sausages.- Sorry, Judith.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Apology accepted, Peter. Yes, there was no food whatsoever, but
0:24:53 > 0:25:00we thought, "Ho-hum, no point feeling sorry for ourselves," and we survived on a diet of insects and grubs.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02I'm a vegetarian, so I just ate soil.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yes, I was coming to that, Peter.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08Peter is a vegetarian so he just ate soil.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12Now the problem was - I don't know if the soil hadn't been cooked properly,
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- but Peter had a very, very bad upset stomach.- Loose stools.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Peter, don't be disgusting - we don't need to hear about that!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Sorry, Judith. - Peter had very loose stools
0:25:22 > 0:25:27and for the remainder of the trip was lying on the ground clutching his guts with a cork up his anus.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31Wasn't the worst holiday we've been on, but it was certainly up there.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35It six o'clock and Precious is still at the airport.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37See what the nail shop lady done now?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40She take the old nails off and put new nails on,
0:25:40 > 0:25:44but they even longer, and look what she's done to my foots!
0:25:44 > 0:25:47It's the craziness is what it is!
0:25:47 > 0:25:49So now me consigned to wheelchair.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53So me got no option but to take the rest of the week off.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56The Lord sure do work in mysterious ways.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01# He got the whole world in his hands
0:26:01 > 0:26:04# He got the whole wide world in his hands. #
0:26:04 > 0:26:10Back at Customs, Officers Roberts and Stewart continue their investigation.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15RAVE MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:30 > 0:26:33CHILL OUT MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Yeah, you should just go. Yeah, cos, like, we're all on a journey.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45Er...sorry we stopped you...
0:26:45 > 0:26:48just try not to get in any trouble again, yeah?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Leave us something!
0:27:03 > 0:27:10The sun sinks slowly beneath the horizon and another day at the airport draws to a close.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13The Customs Officers felt a bit down the next day.
0:27:14 > 0:27:20The couple ejected from First Class were taken for questioning in Guantanamo Bay.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23And the man detained in Immigration grew a moustache,
0:27:23 > 0:27:26but Ian decided not to allow him into the country...
0:27:27 > 0:27:30..as he was French.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:27:53 > 0:27:56E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk