0:00:02 > 0:00:05This series looks at life in one of Britain's busiest airports.
0:00:05 > 0:00:06On today's show...
0:00:06 > 0:00:07Ian Foot.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09Immigration gets a call.
0:00:09 > 0:00:11Well, how brown? I'm on my way.
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Fearghal goes all out to impress his passengers.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17- Excuse me?- Yes?
0:00:17 > 0:00:18I actually ordered a vegetarian meal.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21Oh, sorry about that. Right. Er...
0:00:23 > 0:00:26And there's something in the air for Simon and Jackie.
0:00:26 > 0:00:27Smells disgusting in here.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30It's probably just the air circulation.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32No, it smells like one of yours.
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Next please.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12It's 9am and at the FlyLo check-in desk Melody is faced with a weighty problem.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- Are you travelling on your own?- Yes.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Sorry, I had to ask, but I can't see round you.
0:01:17 > 0:01:20Excuse me, Melody. Sorry, sir, can I just have a very discreet word?
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- What's it about? - Big fat man there.- Yes.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Because of the gentleman's size he will need to purchase another seat.
0:01:26 > 0:01:30I've just been speaking to my colleague, and I'm going
0:01:30 > 0:01:33to have to politely request that you purchase a second seat, sir.
0:01:33 > 0:01:37- Because you're so fat.- There's not much I can do about this, is there?
0:01:37 > 0:01:43No sir. So I'm going to put another £380 on your credit card and there's your two seats.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- Boarding in half an hour.- Thank you.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47What seats did you give him?
0:01:47 > 0:01:53- 9B and 37D.- It's got to be two seats together.
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Well, you never said that.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Next please.
0:01:57 > 0:01:58- We get this most days now.- Yeah.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01There's a great big fat person standing there
0:02:01 > 0:02:02and we have to tell them because they're so big
0:02:02 > 0:02:04they've got to buy another ticket.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- It's one of the perks of the job. - Yeah.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10FlyLo currently have the worse environmental record of any UK airline.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14But owner Omar has a plan to rectify the situation.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Today I will make aviation history.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22I will announce that FlyLo is first airline to go green.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Good morning, good morning.
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Good morning to you ladies and gentleman of the press.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Today I bring you here, to this beautiful park
0:02:31 > 0:02:34to show you FlyLo's commitment to the environment.
0:02:34 > 0:02:40This morning I see catalogue of lies about my airline on programme called
0:02:40 > 0:02:45Daybreak. They say FlyLo is polluting the environment.
0:02:45 > 0:02:51Christine Bleakley you are not as attractive as you think and your teeth are too big for your mouth.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56And Adrian Chiles, you look like potato! Not nice potato, ugly potato.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58SPITS
0:02:58 > 0:03:05So today I am planting tree to show FlyLo's commitment to the environment.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Please do come.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Get good photo, please.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13How many trees are you going to plant, Mr Baba?
0:03:13 > 0:03:20Just this one. I now declare that FlyLo is carbon-neutral!
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Yes!
0:03:22 > 0:03:27'I have many other plans for my airline to help save environment.'
0:03:27 > 0:03:32I am going to make the skirts of stewardesses 30% shorter, use less fabric.
0:03:32 > 0:03:37From next week I am phasing out toilet paper in all of my
0:03:37 > 0:03:40planes and as of today I have stopped using deodorant.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43SNIFFS
0:03:43 > 0:03:44Musky.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47Fearghal works for Irish airline Our Lady Air.
0:03:47 > 0:03:54The company runs a Steward Of The Year competition, and this year Fearghal is desperate to win.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59One of things you get marked on for Steward Of The Year is how much duty free you sell.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Our best selling items are perfumes and actually a lot
0:04:01 > 0:04:04of celebrities have started bring out their own scents.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07We've got Pam St Clement from EastEnders has brought out "Pat Smell".
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Sarah Ferguson. "Embarrassment", obviously.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And for the men there's Ashley Cole, "Love Rat",
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Gavin Henson, "Greasy Face" and, er, this is a new one.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22Mel Gibson, "The Jews Are Responsible For All The Wars In The World".
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Doesn't really sell so well, that one.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27But no matter how much perfume
0:04:27 > 0:04:32he sells, Fearghal won't win Steward of the Year without excellent customer feedback.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Yes.- Excuse me, I need a word.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- I bought a business class ticket for this flight.- Yes, sir?
0:04:37 > 0:04:42It cost £625, and I get on the plane and it seems to be absolutely no different to the economy seats.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45I'm terribly sorry, sir, I forgot to give you this.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55There we are, sir. Welcome to business class.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00We have these passenger questionnaires on all our flights now. It's to help
0:05:00 > 0:05:05the airline decide who should be Steward Of The Year, but I don't want to bother my passengers with that.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08I just want them to relax and enjoy the flight so I fill them in myself.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11And so far I've had a 100% approval rating, which is pretty amazing. Right...
0:05:11 > 0:05:13HE SPEAKS CHINESE
0:05:13 > 0:05:16I'm sorry, but you can't travel today because your passport is out of date.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20Back down at Great British Air check-in this passenger has a problem.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23But no-one can speak Chinese.
0:05:23 > 0:05:29Fortunately, Executive Passenger Liaison Officer Moses is quickly on the scene.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32Let me. I speak perfect Chinese.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36MOCK CHINESE ACCENT: Your passport is out of date.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Out of date your passport is.
0:05:40 > 0:05:41No?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Parlez-vous francais?
0:05:43 > 0:05:45Sprechen sie Deutsch?
0:05:45 > 0:05:47HE SPEAKS FLUENTLY IN GERMAN
0:05:47 > 0:05:50That's a shame. I don't speak any German.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Other than "Sprechen sie Deutsch?" I'll try mime.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10No?
0:06:10 > 0:06:16Unable to overcome the language barrier, Moses is forced to think outside the box.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to give you this
0:06:20 > 0:06:23and you've got to go outside
0:06:23 > 0:06:25and get on a bus to London,
0:06:25 > 0:06:29and hopefully you'll find your way back to China from there.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I think he's getting some of it.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Right, off you go, off you go.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36That's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Get on the bus, that's right. Bye bye. Bye bye.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43At Great British Air, we do like to go the extra mile.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52It's 12 pm and love is in the air.
0:06:52 > 0:06:58Tommy isn't due at work for another four hours, but has come in early, because someone has caught his eye.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01'I'm so early today because there's a wee lassie who works at FlyLo check-in'
0:07:01 > 0:07:05and I really fancy her. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
0:07:05 > 0:07:10In fact, she's so beautiful she shouldn't be working here, she should be working at a tanning
0:07:10 > 0:07:13salon. I've never actually spoke to her in the flesh, but last week
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I sent her a love letter with a chicken nugget sellotaped to it.
0:07:15 > 0:07:21And today's a big day, because I'm going to ask her if she wants to come out for dinner with me tonight.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24In fact, I've actually booked a table at KFC, so fingers crossed.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33There's a queue here.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Right.
0:07:37 > 0:07:42Next please. Where are you flying to today? Right, OK...
0:07:42 > 0:07:47Simon and Jackie are Britain's first husband and wife flying team.
0:07:47 > 0:07:53But ever since Simon had an affair five years ago, the couple have had a stormy relationship.
0:07:53 > 0:07:58You need to have your back waxed as well. It's disgusting. It's like going to bed with a monkey.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Fuel left and right, tank two-and-a-half.
0:08:00 > 0:08:06During the preparation for today's flight, Jackie has spotted a familiar name on the staff rota.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09She's on the plane. She's on the plane.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13The stewardess who slept with Simon, she's cabin crew today.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15There she is, over there.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16She doesn't know me but I know her.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20Oh, yes. Not as attractive as I thought.
0:08:20 > 0:08:26She must have put on weight, probably the guilt. Look her undressing those men with her eyes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- Welcome on board.- Welcome on board!
0:08:28 > 0:08:30That's what she said to Simon.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Just before he put it in her.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Holiday Inn, Glasgow, April 27th 2005. It was a Thursday.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40I'm not going to mention it though. I've moved on.
0:08:40 > 0:08:47Ladies and gentleman, welcome on board this Great British Air flight 287 to Barcelona.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49We'll be taking off in just a few minutes.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53Our cabin crew on board today will be happy to help you in any way they
0:08:53 > 0:08:57can, especially Sally Wicks who will get down on her knees to help you.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02Just don't leave her alone with your husbands ladies, because Sally Wicks is nothing more than a trollop.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Right, that's it.- No Simon, I'm going to say it.
0:09:04 > 0:09:11Sally Wicks is a is a jezebel. She's a homewrecker. She is the slutty slut slut of the skies.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12Enjoy the flight!
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- Do you want cream or ice cream with your apple pie tonight?- Ice cream.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26Good, because we've got some in the freezer.
0:09:26 > 0:09:33It's lunchtime, but for Chief Immigration Officer Ian there's never a moment's rest.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36As Immigration Officer, you have to stay alert 24/7.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Except at night when there are no planes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42So I'm always thinking of new ways to keep my staff on their toes.
0:09:42 > 0:09:49Today I am transforming myself into your typical illegal immigrant from the South American area.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53My goal will be to enter the country without being apprehended.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57Let's see how tight the UK's Border Control really is.
0:10:03 > 0:10:05HE MOUTHS
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Hello, Ian.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Well done, Kenneth. Very eagle-eyed.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20My staff do tend to spot me most of the time.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24I say most - so far they've spotted me every time, but I'm factoring in
0:10:24 > 0:10:28times in the future when I will slip through unobserved.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Next please.
0:10:31 > 0:10:36Tommy is still waiting to ask Melody out for dinner, and has now been queuing for over an hour.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Who's next, please?
0:10:40 > 0:10:41- You're next.- Who's next please?
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Hello. Where are you flying to today?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Er. "Pragooey."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55You mean Prague?
0:10:55 > 0:10:56Aye.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58Next please.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- Do you have a ticket?- No.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- OK. Tickets are £375.- Right.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08'It didn't quite go according to plan.'
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I've got to fly to the Czech Republic now, which I shouldn't
0:11:11 > 0:11:15really do, because I'm supposed to start work in ten minutes.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Oh, can you call KFC for me and tell them I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to let the table go?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Mickey and Buster, the airport paparazzi, are taking a short break.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29They have firm opinions on the best kind of celebrities.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33Oh, most of the celebrities we photograph are very nice as it goes.
0:11:33 > 0:11:37Yeah, if I had to pick a favourite I'd probably say, err, Colonel Gaddafi.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- Lovely fella.- Always stops by for a chat, asks after the wife.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44- I tell you who else is nice - Robert Mugabe.- Oh, salt of the earth.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47See, he knows the value of a good picture, don't he?
0:11:47 > 0:11:52He came through the other day and someone had left a sombrero lying around.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57we asked him to put it on and he couldn't have been more obliging.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59- We got some very funny photos, didn't we?- Yeah.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04Yeah. Who did we snap the other day, lovely guy from North Korea?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08Oh, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, the old, er, Kim Jong.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Kim Jong.- Kim Jong. - Kim Jong come through the other day.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Yeah, yeah and Jordan arrived at the same time.
0:12:13 > 0:12:18So we got them to pose together - made for a lovely spread in OK! magazine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21That's it, yeah, we got in OK! magazine.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- It's here, yeah we got it here.- Open it up and show them.- Here we go.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29- Yeah, I took that.- He took that.- I took that.- I took that. - He took that.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- I took that.- I took that. - Yeah everyone wins, really.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36- We make a few quid, Jordan gets her face out there and we see the lighter side of Kim.- Yeah.
0:12:36 > 0:12:43Lunchtime is normally a busy time for the coffee kiosk, but today Precious is having to close early.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Well, today something very mysterious occurred.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49We got coffee, we got cup, we got sugar, we got sweetener,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51we got full fat milk, we got
0:12:51 > 0:12:57low fat milk, we got soya milk for the lactose intolerant community, and we got gas for to give us a hot,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00hot fire, but the Lord in his almighty wisdom
0:13:00 > 0:13:03has decided that today will be the day when we got no water.
0:13:03 > 0:13:10Looks like someone, and I don't know who, has taken a hacksaw and cut through the water pipe.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Who would do such a thing?
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Well, anyway the plumber here now, but it going to take hours
0:13:16 > 0:13:19to fix so me got no option but to go to London town with my sisters
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and catch the matinee performance of Dirty Dancing.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- Praise the Lord for the two-for-one ticket offer!- I've fixed it.- What?
0:13:27 > 0:13:31I've put a new length of pipe in so it should be working for you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33There you go.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37May the Lord smite thee down.
0:13:40 > 0:13:47It's 3pm and the Woods family are checking in for their annual summer holiday, but there's a hiccup.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51I have actually got you booked in on this flight, but not until next Monday.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- Eh?- You're on the same flight, but I'm afraid you've come a week early.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- John!- Oh, sorry, love. - Dad!- What are we going to do?
0:13:56 > 0:14:01Well, there's no point driving all the way home and coming back, is there? We might as well stay here.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Can we wait here?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Well, I'm sorry, sir, that's not so good for the other passengers.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10Are we all right here?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12No, sorry, sir.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- We're all right here though? - No.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20Here?
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Well, passengers do sometimes get the dates of their flights wrong.
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I mean, we had a gentleman recently who turned up a year late
0:14:27 > 0:14:29for his flight to Manchester, but luckily
0:14:29 > 0:14:32for him the plane was delayed so actually he managed to board on time.
0:14:32 > 0:14:37Great British Air stewardess Penny is thrilled that Princess Anne
0:14:37 > 0:14:41is planning to fly with the airline next week.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I'm not surprised that the Princess has chosen to fly with us.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48It's well known that we do provide the finest First Class service.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52For example, all us stewardesses are now trained in massage therapy.
0:14:52 > 0:14:59So on long haul flights we can offer shiatsu, Swedish, deep tissue - all of which come with a happy ending.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Morning.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05A member of the Royal household has been sent to inspect the cabin.
0:15:05 > 0:15:06So the flight is next Tuesday.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Yes, it is Tuesday but I'd rather you didn't broadcast it.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13And that should give you sufficient time to completely repaint and recarpet the cabin.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yes, yes, of course.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19May I say, how honoured I am that the Princess is flying with us.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21I have personally admired her for many, many years.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24One thing the Princess Royal despises is sycophancy.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29We need to discuss Princess Anne, the Princess Royal's, dietary requirements.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- Do you provide a fruit salad?- Yes, we do.- Wonderful. Princess Anne, the
0:15:32 > 0:15:38Princess Royal, adores fruit salad, but she can be a trifle choosy about what sort of fruit she has in it.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40What does your salad contain?
0:15:40 > 0:15:44- Grapes.- The Princess Royal does not eat grapes.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Strawberries?- No.- Kiwi?- No.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- Orange?- No.- Guava?- No.- Lychee?
0:15:48 > 0:15:52- No.- Pomegranate?- No.- Passion fruit? - No.- Grapefruit?- No.- Pear?- No.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Gooseberries?- No.- Blackberries?- No.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- Melon?- No.- Mango?- No.- Peach?- No.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00- Pineapple?- No.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Apple?- Yes.- Plum?- No.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- So just apples?- Yes.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07So I should just give the Princess an apple?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Yes. Do you provide yoghurt?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14Yes, we have the finest organic yoghurt flown in daily from Guernsey.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17The Princess detests yoghurt.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Baggage handlers at the airport...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24have their part to play in keeping air travel safe.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27One of the things that I like to do is carry out
0:16:27 > 0:16:29my own personal security checks.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32It's not part of our official remit, is it, Dad?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35No, boy, but I feel it gives the public peace of mind, you know.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39- Right, what we got here? Yeah, that one looks good.- This one?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Yeah, the Louis Vuitton. Right, OK.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Ah, it's got a lock on it.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48Ah, that's no bother. There we go.
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Right. Get that there.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56Oh, hello. Yeah, you see, now, very common, it's a laptop.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58This could have illegal images on it.
0:16:58 > 0:17:03So we'll, er, take that home for further analysis.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Right, what else we got?
0:17:05 > 0:17:11Hello. "Gucky." Now the thing about the shoes, you can have explosive devices in the heel.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13So, er, we'll also take them home.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Plus they're my size.
0:17:14 > 0:17:19Go and have a look in here. Ha-ha! Here we go. Very common problem, this. The i-Pod.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23Yeah, now you're not allowed to have these on on take off or landing.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Yeah, but they won't be able to use it, it'll be in the hold.
0:17:26 > 0:17:31Point of principle, son. Right what have we got in here?
0:17:31 > 0:17:35What's that? "Chay-nell Pour Om." Nah, you're not allowed liquids on board.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37So, er, yeah, we'll set that down there.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39There's an aerosol in here.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- You're not allowed them. We should take that out.- Eh?
0:17:41 > 0:17:44We're not gonna get nothing for that down the market are we? Silly sod.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Right, that one's good to go.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Omar Baba is famous for his playboy lifestyle, and he now hopes to cash in on this notoriety.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57with his own unique take on the Mile High Club.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59This is my "Loveatory".
0:17:59 > 0:18:03What you do is swipe credit card here. £10 per couple.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06£7 if you are flying solo.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09As you can see, it is very romantic.
0:18:09 > 0:18:13We have cushioned area here for extra comfort on the lady bottom.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Commemorative tissue there, with my face on.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20Also on the back of safety card you have a number of love-making positions.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24And this one I do with some of my wives.
0:18:24 > 0:18:30And you can have as long as you like to explore and satisfy each other's bodies.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32As long as it's under two minutes.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35After two minutes, you hear this noise.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38'This is Omar. Stop doing a sex in my toilet. Thank you.'
0:18:38 > 0:18:44Excuse me, I have some business to attend to.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51FlyLo Flight 475 has just touched down and the customer
0:18:51 > 0:18:56service desk is about to receive another onslaught from regular passengers, Peter and Judith.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Right, I'm going to give that woman a piece of my mind.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- Judith, please calm down. - No Peter, I will not be becalmed.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07We have had, and I never thought I'd utter these words, the holiday from hell.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10By way of apology for the previous debacle,
0:19:10 > 0:19:15FlyLo offered us a very good deal on a package holiday to Colombia.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Now as soon as we came out of Bogota airport...
0:19:17 > 0:19:20As soon as we came out of Bogota airport, Peter was bitten by a rabid dog.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Within minutes, he was howling and foaming at the mouth.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27My first thought was "Can I have Peter put down?" I looked into it...
0:19:27 > 0:19:29But the doctors said it was unethical.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33Yes, thank you, Peter. But the doctors said it was unethical.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Peter became more and more ill.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- I had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.- Peter, don't be so crude!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- Sorry Judith.- Peter had diarrhoea and was projectile vomiting.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45If you'd spun him round, you'd have thought he was a catherine wheel.
0:19:45 > 0:19:50- So we decided....- So I decided that the best course of action was to take the first plane home.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55Now while we were waiting at the airport, a very charming man called
0:19:55 > 0:20:01- Carlos approached me and offered me 5,000 to take his briefcase through Customs.- I had reservations...
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Peter had reservations but we were saving up for a loft conversion, so
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I said "Yes", and gave the briefcase to Peter to carry.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12- When we landed in England... - Peter, if I could just get a word in edgeways!- Sorry, Judith.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13I should hope so too, Peter.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17When we landed in England, Peter was stopped at customs.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21They searched the briefcase and found 20 kilograms of cocaine,
0:20:21 > 0:20:23with a street value of half a million pounds.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29Peter was arrested and is looking at a prison sentence of no less than 12 years.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34If I had to rate the holiday out of five, I'd struggle to give it more than three.
0:20:36 > 0:20:43Back in the First Class cabin, Penny is still busy making preparations for Princess Anne's flight.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46Now each passenger has their own in-flight entertainment system
0:20:46 > 0:20:50that allows them to browse genres and choose from all of the latest releases.
0:20:50 > 0:20:55Princess Anne, the Princess Royal, is extremely particular about which actors she's willing to watch.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58A list of approved actors is as follows.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- Let me just get a pen.- Quickly.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Yes?- Jason Statham.- Yes.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07- Jet Li.- Yes.- Dolph Lundgren.- Yes. - Arnold Schwarzenegger.- Yes.
0:21:07 > 0:21:11- Sylvester Stallone.- Oh, well, there is a film with all those people in.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I believe it's called The Expendables.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Maybe I could order that in especially for the Princess.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Princess Anne, the Princess Royal has already seen The Expendables.
0:21:19 > 0:21:26- Did she like it?- No, she did not. She said it wasn't nearly violent enough and I quote, "It was for pussies".
0:21:28 > 0:21:30WishWings. If you'll pardon the pun.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34Moses has spent the afternoon collecting money for his charity, WishWings.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38Oh, thank you very much, that's very generous. I'll make sure most of that goes to the charity.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42And he's now on his way to meet a very important passenger...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Happy flighting.
0:21:43 > 0:21:49..who's come all the way from Albert Square. Barbara Windsor MBE.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Get out of my pub, please! Ha-ha!
0:21:52 > 0:21:55Miss Windsor, my name is Moses. I've been asked to take you through to the gate.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Oh, do we have to go now? - No, not for another hour.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Oh, right.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Can I ask you a question, Miss Windsor?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Yes, course you can, darling.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13How on earth did you get an MBE?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16I beg your pardon?
0:22:16 > 0:22:20I've seen your bra flying off in those Carry On films, and I've watched you shouting at people
0:22:20 > 0:22:23in EastEnders, and I thought it can't have been for that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:28Well, I got it for services to entertainment and, actually, I do a lot for charity.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31- I do a lot for charity.- Oh, really?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Yes. I run a charity called WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38But I myself have never been given an honour.
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- Oh, right.- A lot of people say to me "Moses, you should really have an OBE
0:22:43 > 0:22:48"or a knighthood", but I don't do it for that. I do it for the children.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Well, yes, that has to be the reason.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53Yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57But I still want one. Can you get me one? Because you've managed to wangle yourself one.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59No, sorry, I can't do that.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Selfish.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Oh, erm, Miss Windsor, can I just have your autograph, please?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Yes, of course you can.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Excuse me, what's this?
0:23:15 > 0:23:17- Oh, nothing. Nothing.- No, no, no.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Just sign at the bottom there.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23"Dear Queen, I'm writing on behalf of my dear friend Moses Beacon.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27"His charity WishWings, if you'll pardon the pun..."
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- But there's no pun there. - Yes, there is.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35"..has helped literally three children achieve the flight of their lives, if you'll pardon the pun."
0:23:35 > 0:23:37There's no pun there either.
0:23:37 > 0:23:42- Yes, there is.- "You may like to know that the Honorary President of WishWings is Tania Bryer."
0:23:42 > 0:23:45- Now who's Tania Bryer?- That's low.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"You should definitely make him a knight or at least an OBE.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53"Though not just an MBE that would be a bit of an insult.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55"Yours sincerely, Barbara Windsor.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59"You know, that little old common lady off the TV."
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Do you need a pen?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Piss off.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Back in the First Class cabin,
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Princess Anne's lady-in-waiting
0:24:08 > 0:24:10has completed her inspection.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13I very much look forward to meeting the Princess on Tuesday.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Don't look at her, don't talk to her, don't make a lunge at her.
0:24:16 > 0:24:17I wasn't going to.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21I know a lunger when I see one. In fact I shall make a personal request that you are not on the flight.
0:24:21 > 0:24:22Good day.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Ho-huh!
0:24:30 > 0:24:35What an awful snob that woman was.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40After Jackie's outburst on the plane, she and Simon have some news.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45- Yes, I decided that the best thing to do was for us to separate. - Well, actually, I said it first.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Yeah, but I thought of it before you said it, so, technically Simon, it was my decision.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Yeah, I mean we're still working together obviously.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57We're still living together, we've only got one bedroom so we're still sharing a bed.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00The only difference really is that we're not physically intimate with each other.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Well, we haven't been for five years anyway.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05No. So I've just started dogging.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10- Really?- Yes, it's very nice. - Where do you do that?
0:25:10 > 0:25:16- In the cul-de-sac.- What, and other people are there having sex?- Yes.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- We're all having a gay old time. - Anyone I know?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21I don't know, I've only seen them from waist down.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26It's been a long week for the Woods family
0:25:26 > 0:25:29who are still waiting for their flight.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31It's been all right. We make do.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Yeah, I mean you talk to the other passengers and you make new friends.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Then they have to fly away of course.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Yeah, but then you see we're here to greet them when they come back, which is nice.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45It was our anniversary last night, so we sat the kids in front of the
0:25:45 > 0:25:49departure boards and we took the monorail down to Terminal 2 and we went to the Cafe Rouge.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Yeah, they gave us a lovely little table outside, near Tie Rack.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56And on the weekend we took the kids out for a treat, down to Baggage Reclaim.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Yeah, we played a little game with them, didn't we?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01"Can you guess what colour the next case is going to be?".
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Sometimes they're black, sometimes they're grey.- Ooh, the red one.
0:26:04 > 0:26:08Oh, yeah, we saw a red one the other day. That was very amusing.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17We went to the Bureau de Change, and we changed our money into Turkish and then back again.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- That was a fun eight minutes.- Hm.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- Smoothies.- Oh, yes. We've discovered that they give out little samples of smoothies,
0:26:32 > 0:26:37and if you collect enough of them during the day, by six o'clock you got your own full-size smoothie.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41That's about it really.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Been a quiet sort of week.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- Oh, you won that Ferrari in the raffle.- I did. That was nice.- Yeah.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Night falls, and another day in the life of the airport draws to a close.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03The Woods family ended up missing their flight and are still living in the terminal.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- Move your fat arse. - I'm moving my fat arse.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Mickey and Buster added to their portfolio of world leaders
0:27:09 > 0:27:13when they snapped Vladimir Putin playing frisbee with Abi Titmuss.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And Ian Foot remains vigilant.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21Well, I've actually got the whole variety of disguises here.
0:27:21 > 0:27:27Got Australian, Rastafarian, Russian, Lady Gaga
0:27:27 > 0:27:30and Scotch.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Unfortunately these days there are more and more Scottish people trying to gain access to Britain.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Keep 'em out, I say. Keep 'em out!
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:00 > 0:28:03E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk