:00:32. > :00:37.This programme could contain strong Hello. Welcome to BBC Three's
:00:37. > :00:41.first-ever live comedy show. We are coming to you from the Edinburgh
:00:41. > :00:46.Fringe. Over the next 90 minutes we will be serving up the most
:00:46. > :00:50.exciting comedy talent - thanks - who have wowed the audiences at
:00:50. > :00:55.this year's festival. Because you are at home doesn't mean you can't
:00:55. > :01:03.get involved. We are totally interactive. This is why I love
:01:03. > :01:08.Edinburgh! You can send your tweets to us by using #BBC3EDFRINGE.
:01:08. > :01:14.There's loads more to come. Or you can go online for a live chat - hi!
:01:14. > :01:19.With some stars of tonight's show and loads of exclusive extras.
:01:19. > :01:23.APPLAUSE You can send us a heckle! Heckle us! We are live, we are BBC
:01:23. > :01:29.Three, we are Friday night, the venue is packed to the rafters with
:01:29. > :01:32.an audience who have the best ticket in town right here. Say
:01:32. > :01:37.hello Edinburgh! AUDIENCE: Hello Edinburgh! You are
:01:37. > :01:41.live on BBC Three. This is going to be fun. Between now and midnight we
:01:41. > :01:51.have an amazing line-up of very, very funny people including Russell
:01:51. > :01:51.
:01:51. > :01:56.Kane, Roisin Conaty, Charlie Baker and Joe Wilkinson. Let's get going,
:01:56. > :02:04.shall we? CHEERING Here is our first MC of the evening, he is a
:02:04. > :02:14.total geezer who has kicked off a massive nationwide tour. He is
:02:14. > :02:16.
:02:16. > :02:23.ready to go. He is well good. He is Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE Hello, hello,
:02:23. > :02:32.hello. Spread the love! Good evening, Edinburgh Festival.
:02:32. > :02:41.Welcome to Three at the Fringe. I is your host, Lee Nelson! APPLAUSE
:02:41. > :02:50.Yeah, people, I am in the mood of my life! I'm in ScottyLand! I love
:02:50. > :02:55.it here, man. It is a magical mystical place. The Scotties reckon
:02:55. > :03:02.they have this 10,000-year-old dinosaur stake thing that lives
:03:02. > :03:10.under a lake, the Loch Ness monster. But they have a serious drinking
:03:10. > :03:16.problem so don't believe shit! I've had such a fun couple of days. I
:03:16. > :03:22.had my little boy's birthday party! We are the children's entertainer.
:03:22. > :03:29.The kids absolutely loved him. I dunno what he done, he wouldn't let
:03:29. > :03:35.grown ups in the room. LAUGHTER man, I love my little boy so much.
:03:35. > :03:41.I read to him every night. It's the only way I'm going to learn.
:03:41. > :03:47.LAUGHTER As a little birthday treat, I says to him, I'll read you any
:03:47. > :03:53.book you like, any book in the whole wide world and does you know
:03:53. > :04:03.what he said to me? Harry Potter. Harry Potter. What book do you want
:04:03. > :04:04.
:04:05. > :04:13.me to read in the whole world? Harry Potter. LAUGHTER It's a
:04:13. > :04:21.bloody film! LAUGHTER What an idiot. Oh my gosh. You all right over
:04:21. > :04:27.here? Yeah. Nice, baby. You got kids? No. Would you like some?
:04:27. > :04:36.LAUGHTER That is how you bang girls in Scotty Land. Not wearing
:04:36. > :04:43.ridiculous hats like that, my man. I bought him two dogs, yeah, Benson
:04:43. > :04:47.and Hedges. Then pets - give us a cheer people with pets. CHEERING
:04:47. > :04:54.reckon I can guess what pet people have just by looking at them and
:04:54. > :05:03.that. I can. Let's have a look around here. Let's go for - we will
:05:03. > :05:11.go for you. I think you would have a rabbit. Yeah? With batteries in
:05:11. > :05:16.it! LAUGHTER You look absolutely filthy, sweetheart. Oh my gosh, you,
:05:16. > :05:26.sweetie-pie, I haven't forgotten about you, you would have a Bird of
:05:26. > :05:26.
:05:26. > :05:34.Paradise. Or a thrush! I is determined, yeah, to be a better
:05:34. > :05:39.old man to my little boy, than my old man ever was to me. I still
:05:39. > :05:44.remember my mum and dad arguing over me in court. My mum was like,
:05:44. > :05:49."They were arguing over me in court" but my mum was like, "You
:05:49. > :05:54.can see him once every two week." My old man was, like, "Screw that,
:05:54. > :05:58.I am not seeing him that often!" I'm well happy with the step-dad I
:05:58. > :06:03.have got at the moment, he is a nice fella. He says to me, "I want
:06:03. > :06:13.you to start treating me like I'm your real dad." I was like, yeah,
:06:13. > :06:13.
:06:13. > :06:19.all right, then, where have you been for the last ten year? He
:06:19. > :06:25.calls me son. I'm like particularly into that from my step-dad, he says,
:06:25. > :06:33."Lee, son, come and help your mother." I says, "I lovesout,
:06:33. > :06:43.whatever, but you have to drop the son." He was all right about it. He
:06:43. > :06:49.says "Sorry for offending here." LAUGHTER He is a Japanese legend,
:06:49. > :06:55.man. All the boys rip out of me because he is Japanese, oh yeah,
:06:55. > :07:00.your step-dad is Japanese, he must be into whaling. I don't know what
:07:00. > :07:06.whaling is, man. I think it is like dogging but with fat birds.
:07:06. > :07:11.LAUGHTER Oh, people, man, we has got a quality line-up for all of
:07:11. > :07:16.yous tonight. Is you, you, you up for the first act of the evening?
:07:16. > :07:26.AUDIENCE: Yes! The more love you give them the more love you get
:07:26. > :07:46.
:07:46. > :07:50.back so go mental for Joe Wilkinson. APPLAUSE CONTINUES
:07:50. > :07:56.I've only got three minutes, what am I doing? Hello. Nice to be here.
:07:56. > :08:01.Look at these. These are new. How are you? You well? Right, I'm Joe.
:08:01. > :08:08.I am going to tell you some things I have done recently and then I'm
:08:08. > :08:12.going to leave. LAUGHTER Cool. First thing, I haven't got any
:08:12. > :08:18.structure so there's going to be a bit, I will tell you a bit, it will
:08:18. > :08:26.end, it will peter off. My bits don't have ends. So if you are
:08:26. > :08:33.wondering where something is going, it's not. So first bit. You ready?
:08:33. > :08:38.Wooh! First, weirdly, my girlfriend told me this thing that apparently
:08:38. > :08:48.I swear in my sleep. Yeah. I don't swear that much in the day, but at
:08:48. > :08:48.
:08:48. > :08:56.night I really let rip. She did an impression, she went, "You do this,
:08:56. > :09:02."Piss, shit, oh lock." Morning, I was worried about it. I thought I
:09:02. > :09:12.will ask my mum. Talk to her about it. I said I'm a bit worried, mum.
:09:12. > :09:14.
:09:14. > :09:24.Apparently, I swear in my sleep. "Lucky you don't sleep with kids."
:09:24. > :09:26.
:09:26. > :09:34.Yeah. Don't want to pick up any bad habits. Like, I've got Wi-Fi in my
:09:34. > :09:39.flat. I got quite a small flat so it goes everywhere. LAUGHTER And I
:09:39. > :09:46.did - I thought I was being modern and I did a bit of online shopping
:09:46. > :09:52.on the toilet, right? Oh yes. So I told my mum. "I did a bit of online
:09:52. > :10:00.shopping on the toilet." She went, "Oh did you? Have you got a
:10:00. > :10:06.laptop?" "Yes!" I didn't take a whole home computer into the toilet
:10:06. > :10:14.with a hard drive and monitor on my lap! I want to buy something, but I
:10:14. > :10:18.can't feel me legs. Oh dear. I tell you one last thing. I have heard
:10:18. > :10:22.these two boys talking, these schoolboys, near where I live. One
:10:22. > :10:27.of them was taking the piss out of his mate because his mate had done
:10:27. > :10:35.that thing in school, that awful thing, where in the day had called
:10:36. > :10:39.the teacher "dad" accidentally. I was like, "You poor bastard." That
:10:39. > :10:43.is one of the worst things you could do. I remember doing it. I
:10:44. > :10:50.felt sorry for him. I was this school, history lesson, I stuck my
:10:50. > :10:54.hand up. I meant to say Mr Carr and I said "dad". Everyone started
:10:54. > :11:04.laughing. What I remember most - just after I called the teacher dad
:11:04. > :11:06.
:11:06. > :11:11.the kid next to me lent in and went, "You want to bum him." LAUGHTER I
:11:11. > :11:21.don't know what goes on in your house my friend. Here is the number
:11:21. > :11:26.
:11:26. > :11:30.for ChildLine. APPLAUSE Wilkinson! APPLAUSE Oh yes. Funny.
:11:30. > :11:37.You knows, people, sometimes like people get the wrong idea about me.
:11:37. > :11:41.I'm like a nice man, you know, I'm a family man. I'm still proper,
:11:41. > :11:45.genuine absolutely gutted that me and my brother fell out and, yeah,
:11:45. > :11:51.we don't see each other no more and that and we used to get on. But
:11:51. > :11:58.then he started hanging out with the wrong sort of people and mixing
:11:58. > :12:02.with the wrong crowd and his life just went down the wrong path,
:12:02. > :12:11.innit. We tried to stop him but it was too late and it's really sad
:12:11. > :12:19.what happened to him. Because my brother ended up going to
:12:19. > :12:29.university. LAUGHTER Is you up for your next act of the night?
:12:29. > :12:33.
:12:33. > :12:38.AUDIENCE: Yes! Time for the World Champion at Swingball. I see you
:12:38. > :12:48.later. I see you later, guys. No problem. I catch up with you later.
:12:48. > :12:51.
:12:51. > :12:56.Real good. I see you soon. There's nobody there. Say it with me
:12:56. > :13:05.everybody swing-a-ball, the sport of champions. Invented by my father
:13:05. > :13:09.when he hung himself. Swingball is a sport as timeless as shit. I'm
:13:09. > :13:13.international swingball star. You guys want to learn how to play the
:13:13. > :13:17.marvellous sport? Simple. You follow my three rules. Of which
:13:17. > :13:21.there are four stkphr. One, the racquet. The tool of the trade. You
:13:21. > :13:27.need to take him wherever you go. You need to eat with him, sleep
:13:27. > :13:33.with him, drink with him and sleep with him. This one, he never leave
:13:33. > :13:38.my side. You take. Take as hard as you can. You see, you can't! It's
:13:38. > :13:42.because I had it grafted to the palm of my hand. That way I'm
:13:42. > :13:49.always ready to return serve. But I know what you are thinking, sat
:13:49. > :13:58.there with your sly and sexy smile, you are thinking Pedro, are you not
:13:58. > :14:02.a right handed guy? LAUGHTER You would be right. This is a mistake.
:14:02. > :14:08.A horrible mistake. I did the stitching myself whilst sat at home
:14:08. > :14:12.looking in the mirror and who knows, but great talking to you. See you
:14:12. > :14:17.in ten lines time. Next we need the uniform of the champion, the shirt,
:14:17. > :14:24.the shorts and the trainer shoes. For this I recommend the lifting of
:14:24. > :14:29.the shop. Finally, you need a sweaty band, this one is woven
:14:29. > :14:33.together from many of the hamstrings I have torn throughout
:14:33. > :14:37.my career, both my own and the money I have taken from the
:14:37. > :14:42.children who I teach. Now we are ready to play. Give him a round of
:14:42. > :14:52.applause, get on up here! APPLAUSE Let's play some swingball, my
:14:52. > :14:56.
:14:56. > :15:03.Give yourself a twirl. You're popular in the room. Don't worry, I
:15:03. > :15:10.will take care of that. Say it with me, swing a ball. Swing ball.
:15:10. > :15:16.say it from the ball, let it travel up and out your mouth like two
:15:16. > :15:25.furry testicles. Swing ball. Swing ball. Do it with the movement.
:15:25. > :15:32.Swing. Wait for the other one to catch up and then a ball. Go.
:15:32. > :15:37.Wait for the other one to catch up. And go. And a ball. Not bad. That
:15:37. > :15:42.is cool. Now we're going to show you thousand play swing ball. First
:15:42. > :15:47.you have to warm up. In the backstage area, I placed a bottle
:15:47. > :15:55.of the finest wine, as a gift from me to you for helping me with this
:15:55. > :15:59.demonstration. Round of applause for me. Your job is to run
:15:59. > :16:04.backstage and grab that wine and come back here as quick as you can,
:16:04. > :16:12.before we all count to 20. Wait for me to send you off. You think you
:16:12. > :16:21.can do this? I will try. No. Yeah. Swing ball, do it. You have to say
:16:21. > :16:30.it too. Swing a ball. Swing a ball. Good. So here we go. Everybody
:16:30. > :16:37.count with me, one, two, three four, five, six, seven... Eight there no
:16:37. > :16:45.wine. That was just to get him out of the way, so I could hit on his
:16:45. > :16:52.Sweetheart here. Give me that music. Swing a ball. Look at you. You got
:16:52. > :17:02.a twirl. You got a swing a boob for me. Swing a boob, swing a ball. I
:17:02. > :17:02.
:17:02. > :17:12.love this. Keep doing it. Have you ever been... Oh senor. Your acting
:17:12. > :17:15.
:17:15. > :17:20.is overshadowing mine. Sit down you crazy people. She just winked at me.
:17:20. > :17:26.You think you're done for the night. No my friend, we're going to play
:17:26. > :17:32.the game. We're going play extreme swing ball. Doubles edition. You
:17:32. > :17:39.take the racquet and you take a pole. Now, how we play extreme
:17:39. > :17:49.swing ball is... We swing the ball around our head and, let me exflain
:17:49. > :17:51.
:17:51. > :17:56.rule. We come at each other like gladiators in Rome. We get to
:17:56. > :17:59.within striking distance, you plunge the ball deep into the
:17:59. > :18:06.forehead of your competitor and hammer it in with the racquet like
:18:06. > :18:10.that. And we play best of three. I'm just kidding. Senor, jump up on
:18:10. > :18:20.the stage. You hold the ball for me. We're going to swing the ball
:18:20. > :18:24.
:18:24. > :18:29.around here, two hands. No, I swing the ball. It is like Roger Moore in
:18:29. > :18:35.Moon Raker. If you get behind me. Hold the ball, the same as him and
:18:35. > :18:41.let the ball do the work. That is good. We play back-to-back, OK and
:18:41. > :18:47.how we do it. It we hit the ball and then we switch and then we hit
:18:47. > :18:52.the ball and then we switch. The winner is the one who arrives in
:18:52. > :18:57.accident and emergency second! But that is not all. Because the icing
:18:57. > :19:05.on the extreme swing ball cake is we play it in total darkness. So
:19:05. > :19:15.let's go. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball. Hit the ball.
:19:15. > :19:17.
:19:17. > :19:23.Hit the ball... Senor I have embarrassed you in front of your
:19:23. > :19:33.friend. But the thing is these guys are still swinging the balls.
:19:33. > :19:41.
:19:41. > :19:50.Please take a seat. Thank you. senor Pedro. Legend. Yeah, you know
:19:50. > :19:54.I do try and be good, but sometimes I am like a little bit naughty. I
:19:54. > :20:03.popped in a disabled baby the other night. It was the wrong thing to do,
:20:03. > :20:08.but it was 10.30 at night. I thought they went to bed early. --
:20:08. > :20:17.I parked in a disabled bay. The warden said I'm going to give you a
:20:17. > :20:27.ticket. You haven't got a disability. I said yes, I have got
:20:27. > :20:27.
:20:27. > :20:33.Tourettes - you locking banker! Yes! Oh yeah. I got toed away. --
:20:33. > :20:43.towed away. Is you up for your next act? No excuses, pop your nut and
:20:43. > :20:43.
:20:43. > :20:50.get laughing for Tom Rosenthal. Hello, cheers mate. Hello everyone.
:20:50. > :21:00.Are you well? Thank you so much. It is kind of you. This is my trophy.
:21:00. > :21:03.
:21:03. > :21:10.I won this for being the funniest student. I brought this along for
:21:10. > :21:15.confidence really. I'm going to leave it there. And what you guys
:21:15. > :21:20.can do, is not enjoying what is going on, just look at the trophy
:21:20. > :21:27.and realise that you're probably wrong. Good that is the system. It
:21:27. > :21:34.is lovely being in Scotland. Economy opinions on Andy Murray? --
:21:34. > :21:40.any opinions on Andy Murray. Quite keen. Well he doesn't impress me.
:21:40. > :21:45.There is something unlookable about you. He is the only man whose
:21:45. > :21:52.success is both mundane and arrogant. When he wins, he throws
:21:52. > :21:59.his sweat bands into the crowd. No, no one wants your sweaty wrist wear,
:21:59. > :22:07.you prick. He wins a point and goes like this and goes Andy Murray.
:22:07. > :22:16.That is like me doing a good joke and going yes, I'm so locking funny.
:22:16. > :22:23.When his opponents make an error, he still goes yes! Who brought him
:22:23. > :22:28.up? The Rock? If another comedian's set is going badly and going, yes
:22:28. > :22:33.I'm better than you by default. When he signs autographs, Rafael
:22:33. > :22:39.Nadal is like pleasure to meet you. Andy Murray walks past people with
:22:39. > :22:44.a pen. Just drawing on their faces. I'm Andy Murray, I have got places
:22:44. > :22:49.to be, people to bore. You might think he is a nice guy. About this
:22:49. > :22:54.time last year, his girlfriend left him. I thought did he claet on her?
:22:54. > :23:04.No the reason she left is because she played Playstation 3 for seven
:23:04. > :23:05.
:23:05. > :23:11.hours a day. Playing virtual tennis as a virtual version... Of himself.
:23:11. > :23:19.You can imagine in the Andy Murray wing of Andy Murray mansion, Andy
:23:19. > :23:22.Murray versus Andy Murray on the PS three, massive wide-screen,
:23:22. > :23:28.surrounded by mirrors, the Andy Murray song, singing Andy Murray,
:23:28. > :23:33.the girlfriend says, what, mouthful of Murray mints. Can we have six r
:23:33. > :23:43.sex now? No, Andy Murray's playing. And put your Andy Murray mask back
:23:43. > :23:49.
:23:49. > :23:56.on. That is all I have got time for. Thank you. The legend, yes, Tom
:23:56. > :24:02.Rosenthal. That people is all we have got time for. Oh no! Yeah I
:24:02. > :24:07.got a go and I got a very long night ahead of me.... With her.
:24:07. > :24:17.Listen I have been Lee Nelson, catch my second series next week on
:24:17. > :24:17.
:24:17. > :24:23.BBC Three. Laters Edinburgh! Fantastic, thank you Lee Nelson.
:24:23. > :24:33.BBC Three is coming to you live and fully interactive from the
:24:33. > :24:40.Edinburgh Festival. I lope you enjoyed Adam rifpls. We have an
:24:40. > :24:45.extended set from him later. They are all on the web-site. -- Adams
:24:45. > :24:50.Riches. Look who is joining me now. It is only bloody Charlie Baker.
:24:50. > :24:55.How is your Edinburgh? I like it. You never know if they're doing a
:24:55. > :25:01.show or if they're just drunk. have already been heckled. Just as
:25:01. > :25:10.I opened the show. They're like your jacket is too small. But you
:25:10. > :25:16.look nice. You're here and you have a hash tag set up for us. Hash tag
:25:16. > :25:22.celeb spot. What we want is a famous face in a mundane place.
:25:22. > :25:27.Like I saw John Nettles in a pound shop buying batteries. I saw him.
:25:27. > :25:35.Have you seen anyone famous doing anything bore something It is not
:25:36. > :25:45.that boring, David hossle Hoffe came to my -- Hasselhoff came to my
:25:46. > :25:48.
:25:48. > :25:57.mum's house and he piste in my mum's -- piste in my mum's garden.
:25:58. > :26:06.If you have met a celebrity in a dull situation, hash tag celeb spot.
:26:06. > :26:11.It could turned into instant comedy. Well I will read them out. If you
:26:11. > :26:15.have met a famous face in a mundane place let us know. The festival is
:26:15. > :26:20.awash with celebrities. They get every where in Edinburgh, including
:26:20. > :26:29.the toilets. I'm not the type who hang around in the men's to its,
:26:29. > :26:39.but I know a bloke who does. Earlier Mr Joey Essex, he bumped
:26:39. > :26:39.
:26:39. > :26:46.into our glamorous toilet attendant, Mr Tony Izzet. Are you if fellow
:26:46. > :26:52.off that show? Yeah the only way is Essex. I'm not sure whether it is a
:26:52. > :26:56.drama or a dookmentry. - documentary. It is like what you
:26:56. > :27:02.call it a reality TV show. But it is confusing, you're not sure what
:27:02. > :27:09.is real and what isn't. Most of it is real. But it is like, sometimes
:27:09. > :27:15.the scenes are set up to do it. It is weird. Your definitely like, you
:27:15. > :27:25.are no one's playing you now. I'm myself. And the kark Der you
:27:25. > :27:35.play is... Joe Izzet. I can't understand, are we in the drama
:27:35. > :27:35.
:27:35. > :27:45.now? Hmm, the drama is act innit? We're not acting? No I don't think
:27:45. > :27:46.
:27:46. > :27:51.we're. Don't think so. That is Tony Izzet. We have leds of his toileted
:27:51. > :27:57.a -- loads o' of his toilet adventures on the web-site. Now
:27:57. > :28:03.over to the Baby Bubble for live musical comedy. His show has been
:28:03. > :28:12.doing well and you are about to find out why. Performing a song 15
:28:12. > :28:22.can have reasons, put some money in the swear box and give it foup up -
:28:22. > :28:26.
:28:26. > :28:30.# I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got five good reasons
:28:30. > :28:39.to make you stay I got five good reasons to make you stay # I got
:28:39. > :28:44.five good reasons to make you stay # No 1 I got a real nice house # I
:28:44. > :28:51.share it with my parents, but they're quiet as a mouse and I real
:28:51. > :28:58.tiez plural for mouse is mice, so if you're pick chug a mouse, you
:28:58. > :29:04.had better picture it twice. Two, I'm reliable I will never leave
:29:04. > :29:12.your side, I will always remember important dates and # I'm hardly
:29:12. > :29:18.ever late # Three, I'm handy with a tool # I'm good at clearing, I
:29:18. > :29:24.ain't no fool I will do the shopping # I will even clop the
:29:24. > :29:29.wood if the wood needs chopping. No 4 I don't like football I don't get
:29:29. > :29:36.it at all. # All the teams and the players look just the same # If I
:29:36. > :29:41.had to sum it up I'd say it's just a game # I'm good at cooking # I
:29:41. > :29:48.got five more reasons to make you stay # I got five more reasons to
:29:48. > :29:56.make you stay # I got five more reasons to make you stay I got five
:29:56. > :30:00.# Six # I like walking on the beach
:30:00. > :30:03.# Sunsets and fireworks # The stuff you can't teach
:30:03. > :30:10.# Dogs and monkeys # Hamsters and parrots
:30:10. > :30:17.# I'll serve it up with carrots # Seven, heaven, heaven
:30:17. > :30:22.# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Heaven, heaven, heaven, heaven
:30:22. > :30:28.# Heaven, heaven, heaven # Me and you in Devon
:30:28. > :30:32.# Eight, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon
:30:32. > :30:37.# Devon, Devon, Devon, Devon # Devon, Devon, Devon
:30:37. > :30:41.# Me and you in Devon # Number nine
:30:41. > :30:45.# I'm really sensitive # I realise I might be a bit too
:30:45. > :30:51.sensitive # But if I can try and be a bit
:30:51. > :30:56.less sensitive # I'll be just there
:30:56. > :31:01.# Ten # I'm good at fucking
:31:01. > :31:04.# I got five less reasons to make you stay
:31:04. > :31:08.# I got five less reasons to make you stay
:31:08. > :31:13.# I've got five less reasonsss # To make you stay
:31:13. > :31:17.# 11, OK I'm not so good at fucking # But I'm willing to improve
:31:17. > :31:20.# That is surely worth something # I'll buy a book about it
:31:20. > :31:27.# I'll practice on my breathing # I'll do anything you want me to
:31:27. > :31:32.# If I don't stop you leaving # 12, I'll buy you so much stuff
:31:32. > :31:34.until it's enough # I know you are not a very
:31:34. > :31:37.materialistic girl # But the stuff that I buy you
:31:37. > :31:43.# Will be the best stuff in the world
:31:43. > :31:46.# Number 14, what happened to 13? # 13 is unlucky so I skipped that
:31:46. > :31:53.# And I changed the rhyme structure in the end
:31:53. > :31:57.# But you got to understand that it's a real long song
:31:57. > :32:07.# 15, I bought a gun # I got 15 reasons to make you stay
:32:07. > :32:25.
:32:25. > :32:28.# I got 15 reasons to make you stay. Thank you very much. That was Nick
:32:28. > :32:35.Helm live on BBC Three. Time to go back to the Bubble and have some
:32:35. > :32:45.more live comedy. Our next MC was the winner of last year's Edinburgh
:32:45. > :32:52.
:32:52. > :32:59.Comedy Award. It's the one and only Hello. How you doing? We are live
:32:59. > :33:04.on BBC Three. I can say spunk and they can't stop me! Spunk, spunk!
:33:04. > :33:09.Nothing they can do. We have three amazing acts in this section. Are
:33:09. > :33:12.you excited? Some of you are struggling to recognise me. I'm not
:33:12. > :33:17.Nick Grimshaw! This is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown which is
:33:17. > :33:23.why I look the aborted trip let of Jedward. Get rid of it mother, it
:33:23. > :33:31.is not one of ours! LAUGHTER This is my weird career. The last time I
:33:31. > :33:39.was live on the BBC Television, I was dressed as Beyonce dancing and
:33:39. > :33:46.at the time I was single, very confusing for a man to be split up
:33:46. > :33:51.and dressed as a woman. I will become my own woman. Imagine what
:33:51. > :33:55.my ex must have thought? He's coping really badly! I thought
:33:55. > :34:01.afterwards it is not going to interfere, but a lot of straight
:34:01. > :34:11.women - I am straight by the way! This is straight sexuality in
:34:11. > :34:16.
:34:16. > :34:20.London. I can't explain it I like Lisa Minelli and vag! I got some
:34:20. > :34:25.weird e-mails from girls. I don't understand what I felt when I saw
:34:25. > :34:35.you dressed as a woman. I don't want to analyse it. Please meet me
:34:35. > :34:38.for a sloppy Gieuseppi. I was only dating girls with low self-esteem.
:34:38. > :34:42.I have no confidence since my boyfriend left me. Get in the van,
:34:42. > :34:47.you'll do. The hunt was on for a girl. I do like talking about my
:34:47. > :34:51.job, but not too much. So you don't want to go out for a pizza and
:34:51. > :34:57.speak about yourself. I went out for this one girl, she was perfect,
:34:57. > :35:02.not overly confident. More like Natalie Portman when she was having
:35:02. > :35:06.a bad moment in Black Swan. Get in the van! We got on. We spoke about
:35:06. > :35:11.comedy a bit. She wasn't too impressed. I started to feel not
:35:11. > :35:16.only in the pants but in the heart as well, I get the ET lump. It was
:35:16. > :35:20.time to invite her back to mine. I'm always staying at hotels. It is
:35:21. > :35:25.a creepy place to invite a girl back to. Come back to the hotel and
:35:25. > :35:29.clean up with the tiny soaps. Want a small whisky?! It didn't matter
:35:29. > :35:33.because it was comfortable and fun and we had so much in common and I
:35:33. > :35:37.knew we were going to do it for the first time. Because it took me so
:35:37. > :35:41.long to lose my virginity I have not lost the excitement of doing it
:35:41. > :35:46.for the first time. I can't believe I'm going to do it. I still have to
:35:47. > :35:54.go for a victory dance in the bathroom. Going to stick my willy -
:35:54. > :35:59.don't come in - willy going in! LAUGHTER And so we are kissing,
:35:59. > :36:03.this girl is bang up my street. She got the Japanese cartoon haircut,
:36:03. > :36:06.stick-thin, rocking back-and-forth, I don't know what I like, I have no
:36:06. > :36:11.confidence. I'm exaggerating! LAUGHTER We are in the hotel room,
:36:11. > :36:14.we are snogging. Mwah, the type where we are going to do it. We are
:36:14. > :36:19.both in our underwear. I can't remember what underwear she had on.
:36:19. > :36:23.I was in my H&M multi-pack like these ones! The ones that look
:36:23. > :36:33.humiliating for a man - there is nothing good about being a man and
:36:33. > :36:33.
:36:33. > :36:40.being naked. It is nice of you girls to pretend! Now we can
:36:40. > :36:45.consume male flesh! You don't mean a fully naked man. You mean - there
:36:45. > :36:50.is something - I know girls are thinking nonsense, it is worse to
:36:51. > :36:54.have the body of a woman. How dare you generalise. Think of the
:36:54. > :36:58.changes our bodies go through, through pregnancy, it is so hard to
:36:58. > :37:02.have the body of a woman. Girls, in this highly educated festival
:37:02. > :37:08.audience, how many of you have ever stopped to think what it is like to
:37:08. > :37:14.have a humiliating rod of flesh jut out from your body the moment you
:37:14. > :37:21.find anyone vaguely attractive? Do you like me or not? That will be
:37:21. > :37:27.telling! Oh my God, why am I being so random?! LAUGHTER That was the -
:37:27. > :37:32.so true and personal, I'm getting the weird lips. So it is snogging.
:37:32. > :37:36.You know when it is going to happen. We are connected on every level.
:37:36. > :37:41.Mwah, all of a sudden the stop, that feeling where the hand goes on
:37:41. > :37:47.the chest. Please wait, no. What? What is it? Have you got a
:37:47. > :37:53.boyfriend? Has the spell worn off? It is like a spell wearing off in
:37:53. > :37:57.Harry Potter! It can happen when you stop being funny. I wish I was
:37:57. > :38:05.a good enough writer, people of Britain, live on BBC Three, to
:38:05. > :38:09.invent what came out of this girl's mouth. Such is the weird world that
:38:09. > :38:16.I have gone into, these are the genuine words that came out of the
:38:16. > :38:20.girl's mouth - what is it? She said, "Please do the Beyonce dance." I
:38:20. > :38:25.swear to God. I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it,
:38:25. > :38:30.ladies and gentlemen. I plugged my travel iPod speaker in - the creepy
:38:31. > :38:37.one you buy on an aeroplane. I can't, I have injured my shoulder.
:38:37. > :38:47.Shut up! I plugged it in. Have you any idea what that dance looks
:38:47. > :38:48.
:38:48. > :38:53.like... Da-da-oh-oh-na-na! It finishes with a dramatic - like
:38:53. > :39:02.that. I thought when I turned round she would be, the pre-sexual lafter
:39:03. > :39:08.that can exist between lovers -- laughter that can exist between
:39:08. > :39:16.lovers. She was so aroused by my primal dance she launched from the
:39:16. > :39:21.bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge. Drrrrr...
:39:21. > :39:27.LAUGHTER So there is no punchlines, I'm post-modern, relax. Ladies and
:39:27. > :39:32.gentlemen, I was spolzed to come on and warm you up -- supposed to come
:39:32. > :39:37.on and warm you up but you were so lovely I indulged myself. Give
:39:37. > :39:42.yourself a round of applause. APPLAUSE Give all the acts lots of
:39:42. > :39:48.love when they come in. I will come in in between. It is like - spunk,
:39:48. > :39:53.there is nothing you can do about it - I'm over running - spunk! It
:39:53. > :39:57.is so liberating. It is time for the first act. Please go wild,
:39:57. > :40:01.start with a smattering of applause, almost like we are not bothered,
:40:01. > :40:09.building up to a working-class chunky clap, cheering like
:40:09. > :40:13.Americans, welcome to the stage, Roisin Conaty.
:40:13. > :40:17.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, Edinburgh. You well?
:40:17. > :40:21.AUDIENCE: Yes. I wish Russell told me he didn't want to do the dance,
:40:21. > :40:27.I would have let it go. Good. Lovely to be here. I will tell you
:40:27. > :40:31.about myself. Three minutes. I'm 32, single, I have moved out of home!
:40:31. > :40:38.CHEERING Thank you. When did they start charging for water? Pricks!
:40:38. > :40:41.No idea that happened. You pay for this? What happens next? Air? I was
:40:41. > :40:45.living with my grandmother before I moved out. She went to get her
:40:46. > :40:54.passport photos done and she phoned me up and she was like, "I don't
:40:54. > :40:59.look right in these photos." I was like nan, you are 85, 75 is a
:40:59. > :41:03.distant lifetime away. She is all suited and booted to go to the
:41:03. > :41:08.passport agency. Show me the photos. She showed me. You know when you go
:41:09. > :41:15.into the machine you can choose the background? My nan was stood in the
:41:15. > :41:18.middle of the Manchester United football team just sitting next to
:41:18. > :41:23.Paul Scholes. That is the reason you look weird! You are old, like a
:41:23. > :41:27.lot of people wouldn't notice 11 grown men stood next to them. Then
:41:28. > :41:37.she phoned me up, "I will have to tell you something, I was at the
:41:37. > :41:41.bingo and I spoke to my friend, she ended up in Postman Pat's van." I'm
:41:41. > :41:47.single. Give me a cheer if you are single CHEERING Give me a cheer if
:41:47. > :41:51.you are in a relationship. CHEERING Some of you didn't answer. I went
:41:51. > :41:55.on a date for the first time in a while. A lovely man. He invited me
:41:55. > :42:01.around to his house. It is quite, you know when someone tries to
:42:01. > :42:06.seduce you too openly, it can make you feel uncomfortable. There were
:42:06. > :42:09.candles everywhere. There's a fine line between romantic and
:42:09. > :42:15.sacrificial. I didn't know if he was going to ask me to go to bed
:42:15. > :42:25.with him or kill a goat. The last time anything like this happened to
:42:25. > :42:25.
:42:25. > :42:29.me was when I was with my ex. Ladies and gentlemen, that's been
:42:29. > :42:38.my time. It's been lovely. Enjoy the rest of your time. Good night.
:42:38. > :42:42.APPLAUSE Roisin Conaty, ladies and gentlemen. How about that. APPLAUSE
:42:42. > :42:45.I like it when I have a bit of admin to do. We are running over so
:42:45. > :42:55.we are going to turn it over in between acts. Go wild, welcome to
:42:55. > :42:59.
:42:59. > :43:09.the stage, the one, the only John Luke Robert! APPLAUSE You can call
:43:09. > :43:11.
:43:11. > :43:15.me by my rap name - what I like to do is to insult you all to your
:43:15. > :43:20.faces individually. It is to lower the self-confidence of the room,
:43:20. > :43:23.make you more nervous, a bit more giggly. I don't want to hurt anyone,
:43:23. > :43:33.though. I will do it off these cards. It is nothing to do with you.
:43:33. > :43:40.It is what happens to be at the card. Some of them do happen to be
:43:40. > :43:45.spookily accurate. So - if you do end up crying, can you do that
:43:45. > :43:53.crying that can be mistaken for laughter. Shout your name at me, I
:43:53. > :43:59.will insult you. Harry! I have been to the top of Ben Nevis and by
:43:59. > :44:04.comparison YOU are a terrible view. LAUGHTER That is the sort of
:44:05. > :44:10.warning shot. I don't pull punches. How do you feel? OK? Great. Kate.
:44:10. > :44:18.People say a lot of nice things about you, Kate. They also do this
:44:18. > :44:23.a lot. LAUGHTER Mark. They broke the mould when they made you. No,
:44:23. > :44:30.just before they made you! I'm implying that Mark is defective.
:44:30. > :44:36.LAUGHTER Caroline. It's like your face is in 3D, but I haven't got
:44:36. > :44:45.the glasses on. LAUGHTER Linda. If opposites attract, you must be
:44:46. > :44:53.going out with someone kind, attractive and continent! Sarah.
:44:53. > :45:00.The one thing Israel and Palestine can agree on is that you are a
:45:00. > :45:10.dooshbag! Keith. If you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form of
:45:10. > :45:11.
:45:11. > :45:15.livestock, even Morrissey would Susan, your filing system is
:45:16. > :45:23.inadequate. Dawn if you went through a high profile divorce with
:45:23. > :45:30.Katie Price, the public sympathy would be with her. Alex, no one has
:45:30. > :45:36.ever had a sex dream about you, without waking up and feeling
:45:36. > :45:41.distinctly uneasy. Stuart, nobody can play the song what a wonderful
:45:41. > :45:48.world near you, without seeming insincere. Back to the second row.
:45:48. > :45:57.Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you, has done so sarcastically.
:45:57. > :46:05.Danny in a dystopian vision of the future, you would remain the same.
:46:05. > :46:12.Mike, last one, think you can take it? If Peter Parker was bitten by a
:46:12. > :46:22.radioactive you, he wouldn't be Spiderman, he would be Dickheadman.
:46:22. > :46:24.
:46:24. > :46:32.Thank you very much. Brilliant. John Luke Roberts. It is almost
:46:32. > :46:36.time for our final act. I'm so excited. He is a talented guy. Did
:46:36. > :46:45.his first Edinburgh last year. Strap n are you ready? Of course
:46:45. > :46:54.you are. Start with a smatering of applause, like the vicar has
:46:55. > :47:04.provided a nice flan, building up to I just pierced my baby's ear.
:47:05. > :47:39.
:47:39. > :47:49.Welcome to the stage The Boy With # There's only you in my life # The
:47:49. > :47:52.
:47:52. > :48:02.only thing that's right # # Mi first love, you're every breath
:48:02. > :48:09.
:48:09. > :48:19.that I take #Y step I make And I # I want to share all my love with
:48:19. > :48:25.
:48:25. > :48:35.you # No one else will do # your eyes Your eyes, your eyes #
:48:35. > :48:38.
:48:38. > :48:48.They tell me how much you care # Oh yeah # You will always be... # My
:48:48. > :48:48.
:48:48. > :49:59.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds
:49:59. > :50:09.# Hey baby come ore here # I'm not denying # We're flying above it all
:50:09. > :50:13.
:50:13. > :50:23.# Hold my hand, don't let me go # You have such Amazing Grace # I've
:50:23. > :50:50.
:50:50. > :50:56.never felt this way # Oh # Show me The Boy With Tape On His Face! We
:50:56. > :51:03.have reached the end of our section. Thank you, I have been Russell Kane,
:51:04. > :51:08.you have been a fantastic audience. Thank you and good night. Russell
:51:08. > :51:13.Kane there and I love the The Boy With Tape On His Face. If you have
:51:13. > :51:18.just got home from the pub, hello, where have you been? Tonight we're
:51:19. > :51:27.live and we're interactive from the Edinburgh Fringe. In a place call
:51:27. > :51:31.The BBC Bubble. We're on TV, online and we're live. If you liked John
:51:31. > :51:37.Luke Roberts insulting the audience, you can generate one of your own
:51:37. > :51:42.insults by our exclusive insult generator. If you log on and you
:51:42. > :51:50.can receive an insult from the man himself. Or if you prefer, you can
:51:50. > :51:58.send an insult to a friend of family member or a loved one. But
:51:58. > :52:02.not your Nan. And we have created a an online experience with the The
:52:02. > :52:07.Boy With Tape On His Face. Go to the web-site and you can spend
:52:07. > :52:13.hours getting up to no good. We still need your tweets for Charlie
:52:13. > :52:18.Baker now. He needs your tales of spotting famous faces in mundane
:52:18. > :52:28.places. If you have bumped into Wayne Rooney in the post office
:52:28. > :52:29.
:52:29. > :52:33.Charlie Baker might be using your story on the BBC Three stage
:52:33. > :52:38.tonight. Just spotted by me, Neil and Christine Hamilton trying to
:52:38. > :52:48.get into the BBC Bubble and failing. Amazing! Have you come across the
:52:48. > :52:49.
:52:49. > :52:55.toilet attendant yet? Look who it is. It is Lee Nelson! Yeah! Hello
:52:55. > :53:00.Scottie. A fist bump. There we go. That was a nice start to the show.
:53:00. > :53:06.I thought you were going to kiss me. No man, we're just mates. I have
:53:06. > :53:12.told you about 15 times. How was it for you? It's a buzz telly. You do
:53:12. > :53:17.radio, I know you do some things, but radio is your thing. You like
:53:17. > :53:23.it? Yeah. He has made a proper effort. Look at his little thing.
:53:23. > :53:28.He has gone for the tailored look and blown �25 on that. I don't even
:53:28. > :53:34.know what is wrong with my jacket know what is wrong with my jacket
:53:34. > :53:41.tonight. I think it looks fine. stitches is on the outside and
:53:41. > :53:46.they're meant to be on inside. Come here girlys. Do you find it...
:53:46. > :53:53.down on my lap and then we'll talk about the first thing that comes up.
:53:53. > :53:59.Do you find it easier to get girls now you're on the telly. Yes they
:53:59. > :54:06.love a bit of famous. With that and my looks, I have got a TV face, you
:54:06. > :54:14.have got a radio face. But that is what they love. Women you, where
:54:14. > :54:20.you staying? At my home with my husband. It is a pity he won't be
:54:20. > :54:25.enjoying himself. Just filming the whole thing. You have got a new
:54:25. > :54:32.show starting? Yes I have got BBC Three 10.30, 25 of August. Brand-
:54:32. > :54:36.new series. And it is going to be a proper buzz. It is got me and
:54:36. > :54:41.Omelette. And we have got my Nan there and we have got jokes and
:54:41. > :54:45.girls. We have got everything. It will be a proper buzz. I can't wait.
:54:45. > :54:55.Have you been here for the whole festival? No I have been back in
:54:55. > :54:55.
:54:55. > :55:01.London. But it is fun. Scotyland is amazing. Are you a Scottie girl.
:55:01. > :55:08.All I knew was that SuBo girl. So she is well nice. I hope I am an
:55:08. > :55:13.improvement. You is proper. don't you two do off and chat
:55:13. > :55:22.properly. Thank you. Nice one Lee. Loving you back. Our toilet
:55:22. > :55:32.attendant is next. Someone else has been man handled there and let's go
:55:32. > :55:36.
:55:36. > :55:45.You look like that David hassle Hoffe. Only younger. Thank you. I
:55:46. > :55:54.am actually... I Aamer Anwar David Hasselhoff. I grew up watching the
:55:54. > :56:01.Knight Rider and you were my dad's age. Now you look like Benjamin
:56:01. > :56:08.Button. How do you keep in shape. work out. I'm rubbish at that.
:56:08. > :56:14.You're giving away candy. Don't eat sugar. I like it. You drink pints?
:56:14. > :56:22.Yes. Stay away with that stuff. When cu look at yourself, do you
:56:22. > :56:26.see an actor, o'er a singer or a lifeguard? I see myself as a dad.
:56:26. > :56:31.Oh! What are you doing in here. have to go to the rest room.
:56:31. > :56:40.these your daughters. Who is the better singer out of the three of
:56:40. > :56:50.you. I is dad. We're all different. He is musical theatre and poppy.
:56:50. > :56:53.
:56:53. > :56:57.We're all different. You're like a female Jedward. Now, as you know,
:56:57. > :57:04.we have been broadcasting footage from here in Edinburgh at the
:57:04. > :57:11.fringe all week on the red button. Let's have a look at one of the
:57:11. > :57:17.highlights. A load 06 you - of you love watching him. I is the
:57:17. > :57:25.fantastic Andrew Lawrence. Thank you. Why not if we're going to have
:57:25. > :57:29.a ginger man on the stage, have an orange backdrop. Then no one will
:57:29. > :57:33.notice hi hair. Who is from Edinburgh. Give me a chair. Just
:57:33. > :57:37.the ladies at the back. I like the Edinburgh people. I think you're
:57:37. > :57:42.hard working people. If you go north there is Dundee, Aberdeen,
:57:42. > :57:46.Inverness, those places only exist as a constant reminder to people of
:57:46. > :57:52.Edinburgh, if you don't keep working hard and making money, that
:57:52. > :57:57.is where you could ends up. It is nice to, I have having a nice time.
:57:57. > :58:02.I took a day off and drove up the coast. I stopped off at the
:58:02. > :58:07.services on the way to use the men's toilets was out of order. The
:58:07. > :58:11.ladies were out and I had to use the disabled. I went in, did what I
:58:11. > :58:17.needed to do, came out and the man at the station was there, he said,
:58:17. > :58:24.those toilets are for disabled customers only. I said I am disable.
:58:24. > :58:30.He said what is your disability. I said I have poor hand/high co-
:58:30. > :58:34.ordination. It is not a disability. Tell me after you have seen how
:58:34. > :58:39.much piddle I have left on the floor. I am treating it as a hol
:58:39. > :58:45.day, although I don't like British holidays, when I was 13 I went to
:58:45. > :58:49.Weymouth and walked along the beach and stepped on syringe. Now say
:58:49. > :58:53.what you like about heroin, when your a teenager on holiday with
:58:53. > :58:58.your parents, its make things better actually. I don't remember
:58:58. > :59:04.much about that holiday. There was a man walking up and down the beach
:59:04. > :59:08.selling ice-creams. He has no top on and an abnormal number of
:59:08. > :59:15.nipples. I don't want to buy products from a man with five
:59:15. > :59:21.nipples. I like festivals. I'm a bit old for them. Especial think
:59:21. > :59:30.music festivals. I -- especially the music festivals. I can't go it
:59:30. > :59:36.is an abomb daigs. What is not to like? I think cack-smeared toilets,
:59:36. > :59:42.punching all who venture, brain- crippling stench of hell, a fear
:59:42. > :59:46.some fat drunk will collapse on top of your tents and crash you into a
:59:46. > :59:52.sack of shattered bones and you have to crawl through mud to the
:59:52. > :59:57.ambulance, who are too busy pumping the stomachs of teenagers to attend
:59:57. > :00:00.to my internal bleeding and Sunday you collapse in the back of
:00:00. > :00:05.someone's 15-year-old car, consider yourself lucky to be alive as you
:00:05. > :00:10.spend what seemed like a ten hour motorway journey trying to claw a
:00:10. > :00:16.pinch wrist band off your arm. Apart from that they a barrel of
:00:16. > :00:26.laughs. Sign me up immediately! has been a privilege tonight. Thank
:00:26. > :00:27.
:00:27. > :00:31.If you are a fan of Andrew - you a fan? Yes! We also have filmed more
:00:31. > :00:36.of him this week as part of our of him this week as part of our
:00:36. > :00:45.coverage on BBC Three. Details are on your screen right now -
:00:45. > :00:50.bbc.co.uk/three. Shall we have some more music? Live on BBC Three from
:00:50. > :00:58.the Baby Bubble, it is Australia's undisputed Kings of Comedy Rock.
:00:58. > :01:05.Here to perform their four-lettered tribute to boy racers, give it up
:01:05. > :01:15.for The Axis of Awesome. Thank you. I'm Jordan. Stkpwhri I'm Lee. ALL:
:01:15. > :01:15.
:01:15. > :01:25.We are -- I'm Lee. ALL: We are The Axis of Awesome. There have been
:01:25. > :01:25.
:01:25. > :01:33.landmark songs throughout history. Hannah Montana's Pass The Fucking
:01:33. > :01:35.Crackpot. If you are not crying now, you will be by the end of this.
:01:35. > :01:38.# It's Friday night # Gonna feel all right
:01:38. > :01:41.# It's party night # All right, all right
:01:41. > :01:47.# All right # Yeah
:01:48. > :01:54.# Gonna see the sights # Gonna drive through town tonight
:01:54. > :01:58.# Gonna crank the volume when I get # Gonna crank the volume when I get
:01:58. > :02:02.to the lights # Can you hear the fucking music
:02:02. > :02:08.coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music
:02:08. > :02:13.coming out of my car # Can you hear the fucking music
:02:13. > :02:23.coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music
:02:23. > :02:25.
:02:25. > :02:29.coming out of my car # The car is stopped and the bass
:02:29. > :02:32.is thumping # Everybody on the street get this
:02:32. > :02:42.party jumping # Around midnight I'll turn into a
:02:42. > :02:46.pumpkin # Do you like the fucking music
:02:46. > :02:50.coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music
:02:50. > :02:56.coming out of my car # Do you like the fucking music
:02:56. > :03:06.coming out of my car # There's a lot of fucking music
:03:06. > :03:17.
:03:17. > :03:24.# You can hear my fucking music # You can hear it on the streets
:03:24. > :03:30.# You can hear it while you sleep # You can hear it from my car!
:03:30. > :03:34.# I love the fucking music coming out of my car
:03:34. > :03:38.# I love the fucking music coming out of my car
:03:38. > :03:48.# I love the fucking music coming out of my car
:03:48. > :03:49.
:03:49. > :03:54.# There's a lot of fucking music # There's a lot of fucking music
:03:54. > :03:57.coming out of my car. # I love those guys. They were
:03:57. > :04:02.brilliant on the Fun and Filth Cabinet. That was The Axis of
:04:02. > :04:07.Awesome. Time to join our final Master of Ceremonies. If you have
:04:07. > :04:12.been sendinginging us your celebspot stories, watch care
:04:12. > :04:16.tkphri right now. Your story may be on the stage -- watch carefully
:04:16. > :04:26.right now. Your story may be on the stage in the next few minutes. Time
:04:26. > :04:29.
:04:30. > :04:34.We all right? Yes, thank you. Thank you. Calm down, I might be rubbish.
:04:34. > :04:40.We all right? Having a lovely time? AUDIENCE: Yes. We are live on BBC
:04:40. > :04:45.Three. Shout something. Woo-hooh! You pleased with your choice? Good.
:04:45. > :04:51.Enough. You are live on BBC Three. Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. Enough
:04:51. > :05:01.now. It is not an auction. I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack
:05:01. > :05:03.
:05:03. > :05:08.Black to die. LAUGHTER He looks like him! It's funny looking like
:05:08. > :05:12.someone famous. When ever I meet someone famous I get nervous. Who
:05:12. > :05:18.have you met? No-one. No-one to me live on BBC Three. Thank you very
:05:18. > :05:26.much(!) I will let you know, before you said no-one, I asked this last
:05:26. > :05:36.night and someone said, "Jet from Gladiators." Have you met anyone
:05:36. > :05:42.
:05:42. > :05:46.famous? The Wenger Boys. I like it when you meet rappers. I met Kanye
:05:46. > :05:55.West. I always think he sounds like a service station. Where did you
:05:55. > :06:03.get that pasty? Kanye West. 1.49 for diesel. The world's biggest
:06:03. > :06:09.rapper, Jay-Z. Wooh! And I got quite nervous meeting Jay-Z. When
:06:09. > :06:17.ever I meet someone super-famous I get a voice that goes, "There's
:06:17. > :06:22.Jay-Z there. Jay-Z, speak to Jay-Z. Say something to Jay-Z. Speak to
:06:22. > :06:31.him. Say something to Jay-Z. Get him out of his friendship ring." I
:06:31. > :06:36.have to say something to Jay-Z. So I will say this, "Jay-Z..." I went
:06:36. > :06:42.for a high-five, ladies and gentlemen, a high-five. And I stood
:06:42. > :06:46.there thinking, you look a right knob now, you look a penis. He did,
:06:46. > :06:52.ladies and gentlemen, bang on the high-five from Jay-Z. Yes,
:06:52. > :06:57.everybody! Come here. Come here. Woah! That was a confident high-
:06:57. > :07:04.five. You feeling good now about yourself? In six degrees of
:07:04. > :07:08.separation way, you have touched a hand that's touched a hand that has
:07:08. > :07:15.touched Beyonce's knockers! Pretty good - a round of applause.
:07:15. > :07:18.APPLAUSE Have another go. Fuck off, she is not a slag. LAUGHTER You
:07:18. > :07:22.liked it, you should have put a ring on it! There we are, ladies
:07:22. > :07:27.and gentlemen, we are going to bring our next act out. They have
:07:27. > :07:37.had a brilliant festival. They are excellent. Please welcome to stage,
:07:37. > :07:40.
:07:40. > :07:44.the magnificent Frisky and Mannish. APPLAUSE Hi, there. Now, as pop
:07:44. > :07:49.academics, we could not let this event past without making reference
:07:49. > :07:54.to the tragic end of one of the greatest acts in pop history.
:07:54. > :07:58.course, this is the 79 month anniversary of the disbanding of
:07:58. > :08:02.Busted. # One day
:08:02. > :08:08.# When I came home # At lunch time
:08:08. > :08:13.# I heard # Went out to the backyard
:08:13. > :08:17.# Stood there # He told me he made a Time Machine
:08:17. > :08:21.like one in a film I had seen # Yeah
:08:21. > :08:26.# I said I've been to the year 3,000
:08:26. > :08:33.# Not much has changed... # But the rains came and swept the
:08:33. > :08:38.land and the animals rose up # Made slaves of the men and
:08:38. > :08:44.everything was death # And great, great, great-
:08:44. > :08:51.granddaughter... # Didn't make it. #
:08:51. > :08:56.Thank you. We don't have much time so we are going to finish by
:08:56. > :09:02.looking at the work of an artist who we both feel will come to be
:09:02. > :09:12.seen as one of the most important female singer-songwriters in the
:09:12. > :09:15.
:09:15. > :09:21.history of music. # Out on the windy moors
:09:21. > :09:25.# You had a temper # Like my jealousy
:09:25. > :09:28.# How could you leave me # When I needed to
:09:28. > :09:33.# Possess you # I hated you
:09:33. > :09:36.# I loved you too # Bad dreams in the night
:09:36. > :09:42.# Told me I was going to lose the fight
:09:42. > :09:46.# Leave her # Wutherg
:09:46. > :09:52.# Heathcliff # Kathy, I've come home
:09:52. > :09:54.# Let me in at your window # Oh, Heathcliff
:09:55. > :09:58.# It's me # Oh Kathy
:09:58. > :10:01.# I've come home # Let me in at your window
:10:01. > :10:07.# Oh, oh # My fingertips are holding on to
:10:07. > :10:12.# The cracks in the window pane # And I know that I should let go
:10:13. > :10:18.but I can't # And every time we find
:10:18. > :10:23.# I know it's not right # Every time you are upset
:10:23. > :10:25.# I know I should forget but I can't
:10:25. > :10:29.# Ooh # Let me have it
:10:29. > :10:35.# Let me grab your soul away # You
:10:35. > :10:38.# Let me have it # Let me grab your soul away
:10:38. > :10:46.# You know # It's me
:10:46. > :10:49.# Kathy. # I just want your kiss boy.
:10:49. > :10:56.# Kiss boy # I just want your kiss
:10:56. > :11:01.# I just want your kiss boy # Heathcliff
:11:01. > :11:09.# He's running up that hill # I just want your kiss boy
:11:09. > :11:19.# The hounds of love are hunted # I want your soul boy
:11:19. > :11:20.
:11:20. > :11:28.# I just want your soul # Oooh, ooh
:11:28. > :11:36.# Woah, aah # Catherine is a victim
:11:36. > :11:46.# Catherine sits in her room playing killer, killer beats. #
:11:46. > :12:00.
:12:00. > :12:06.That was Frisky and Mannish. Hooray for them. Still clapping. They are
:12:06. > :12:10.still clapping. I'm out here in the guts of the Edinburgh Fringe
:12:10. > :12:16.festival tent. She is not clapping there. Just clap. Very good. Man in
:12:16. > :12:21.hat indoors, can we see him? Well done, Sir. Having a pint, look at
:12:21. > :12:26.this man in his leather jacket. Well done, Sir. Very good. I'm -
:12:26. > :12:33.hello. I'm good, thank you. What is your name? Anni. Have you ever met
:12:33. > :12:36.anyone famous? I met Steps on Live and Kicking. It doesn't get any
:12:37. > :12:46.better(!) that is marvellous. What is the best show you have seen this
:12:46. > :12:50.summer? Wedding Band by Charlie Baker at 2.45. Very good. How
:12:50. > :12:54.marvellous. Sounds excellent. What is the best show you have seen this
:12:54. > :12:58.summer? I haven't seen any yet so this one. Yes, what a glowing
:12:59. > :13:03.review that is(!) LAUGHTER Excellent. We are going to bring
:13:03. > :13:13.out our next act. APPLAUSE Please welcome all the way from Australia,
:13:13. > :13:26.
:13:26. > :13:31.Do you like bread? Yeah. Do you like fully get into it? Not fully.
:13:31. > :13:41.I know you are talking about bread. You know bread? I don't know bread.
:13:41. > :13:42.
:13:42. > :13:47.I like toast. I like toast. I fully get into bread. I like bread when
:13:47. > :13:52.I... What? What the fuck are you talking about? I know you are
:13:53. > :13:58.talking about bread! What is going on with this disco music, man?
:13:58. > :14:05.it is for the bread. What do you mean it's for bread? Like, when you
:14:05. > :14:09.putting on bread shoes. You should have said that! Bread shoes. Oh
:14:09. > :14:19.yeah, this one is going out to all the ladies out there who like to
:14:19. > :14:50.
:14:50. > :15:00.Bring it on back. Come on, throw it at me! Come on bring it all back.
:15:00. > :15:38.
:15:39. > :15:48.There's a famine! You're looking at me like, fuck, it's the guy from
:15:49. > :15:51.
:15:51. > :15:59.Guess Who! If you want to hire me out, I don't just do bread, I also
:15:59. > :16:04.do soup. I once wiped my arse with a slice of bread. I ran out and had
:16:04. > :16:14.to use the crust, so my finger wouldn't tear through. Don't use
:16:14. > :16:33.
:16:33. > :16:39.APPLAUSE. Sam Symonds everyone. There is loads of bread on the
:16:40. > :16:47.floor. There is people stafbing. This is like North London last week.
:16:47. > :16:53.-- people starving. She is going, she is in the production of Bugsy
:16:53. > :17:00.Malone. She tap dancers as well. See that, Koch watcher, got him, 1-
:17:00. > :17:06.0, cock watching bastard. Can't take his eyes off it. We have been
:17:06. > :17:09.asking people to tweet in. Some people are faxed in. Someone did a
:17:09. > :17:14.pager. And people have been tweeting in with famous people they
:17:14. > :17:24.have seen in mundane places doing Munn Tain things. My favourite is
:17:24. > :17:25.
:17:25. > :17:30.steps on Live and Kicking. Well done. -- mundane. Is the bread
:17:30. > :17:36.gone? It didn't deserve that much of a round of applause A few years
:17:36. > :17:41.ago, from stof e Sophie, I saw Peter String fellow buying a
:17:41. > :17:46.casserole dish at a market. Isn't that lovely. That is a lovely one.
:17:46. > :17:54.Some people going what. He doesn't care. He is working on the sound.
:17:54. > :17:59.Seen that mate? No. We will try another one. He is not look. I met
:18:00. > :18:05.big Mo from East Ender in a yellow bikini. That put a few people off.
:18:05. > :18:10.He is laughing at that. The other week I saw Jason Orange just
:18:10. > :18:15.walking past my bus. Everyone hated that one. There we're. We're going
:18:15. > :18:25.to bring on our headline act, are we excited about David O'Doherty?
:18:25. > :18:33.
:18:33. > :18:39.Yes so here he comes, the Oh someone's got the party machine!
:18:39. > :18:43.Do you have the time, Sir, do you have the time? It's party time.
:18:43. > :18:48.Stop looking at your watch. I will accept David O'Doherty time. It is
:18:48. > :18:53.going to be like a party in my house. In many ways it won't be
:18:53. > :18:59.like a party in my house, as I will be doing most of the partying, you
:18:59. > :19:04.will just be sitting receiving the party that. Sounds sleazy when you
:19:04. > :19:10.put it like that, considering you paid to receive the party. There's
:19:10. > :19:16.a party starting right now # Party starting right now # Time to get
:19:16. > :19:25.excited # The neighbour on this side have gone away and the
:19:25. > :19:30.neighbours are old and pretty much deaf # Party, party, party! People
:19:30. > :19:35.standing in the kitchen, they're talking about the King's Speech #
:19:35. > :19:42.Pretty good film is the general consensus # There's going to be
:19:42. > :19:47.lots of ladies and men # There is some cheese in the kitchen # There
:19:47. > :19:54.will be streamers flying through the air # Someone will go home
:19:54. > :19:58.wearing someone else's coat. It is going to be fuck mayhem. # Invite
:19:58. > :20:03.your friends, but not friends of friend, # That would be too many
:20:03. > :20:09.and my party needs some ground rules # You don't want a situation
:20:09. > :20:17.like at Rob's party last year # Where a CD went missing # Someone
:20:17. > :20:25.broke a Claire and someone tried to fill his dog with helium # Tried to
:20:25. > :20:32.stim hill on the ceiling # But he didn't float up, # Just became
:20:32. > :20:37.violently ill # Party party party # Somebody's drinking through a straw
:20:37. > :20:44.from a coconut # We're going to party on through to the break of
:20:45. > :20:49.Dan # Or until I come down in my dressing gown and say that's it
:20:49. > :20:56.everyone fuck off # Party over # I'm going to bed # Can you please
:20:56. > :21:06.take your coats off my bed? # Party, party, ore was someone doing it in
:21:06. > :21:16.the coats. It is that sort of party. Thank you. Wow. I am, thank you, I
:21:16. > :21:16.
:21:16. > :21:21.am David O'Doherty, I Tam creator of Wangury. It is like November,
:21:21. > :21:27.but instead of growing a moustache, you go the full way and leave your
:21:27. > :21:32.cock and bulls out for all of January. -- balls out for all of
:21:32. > :21:38.January. It is a pleasure to close this show. I would like to finish
:21:38. > :21:44.with a love song # Sometimes I wonder how my life would be if we
:21:44. > :21:54.had never met at hull # But nobody there in the evening # To hold # To
:21:54. > :21:55.
:21:55. > :22:05.call # Going to bed feeling lonely # But not knowing lonely for who #
:22:05. > :22:05.
:22:05. > :22:12.This I how my life might be without you # Or... # I might be banging,
:22:12. > :22:18.banging in the morning, barning in the night # But please queue up sh
:22:18. > :22:24.I have only got one Wang, but you wait your turn we can have some
:22:24. > :22:31.sweet banging # In the club with my click, I have an idea, let's start
:22:31. > :22:37.banging, let the banging begin, it is not race it just bang. Obviously
:22:37. > :22:43.that an immature view of single life. There is more to it than bang
:22:43. > :22:53.will is also # Humping, after the show when the party pumping # All
:22:53. > :22:59.right ladies the place is small and we have to hump in the hall # It is
:22:59. > :23:09.around around the back # Banging, banging, humping, this is an
:23:09. > :23:19.alternative view of how things might be without all of you! Thank
:23:19. > :23:29.
:23:29. > :23:34.you. Lady and gentlemen. Are you coming off or staying on. You have
:23:34. > :23:39.been marvellous. I think you have got to go. It is a live show. He's
:23:39. > :23:43.gone. There is bread. David O'Doherty. Bread. There he goes.
:23:43. > :23:50.There is the bread for you. We have come to the end of the show. It is
:23:50. > :23:58.the end of the show. I will read out everyone's who has been on. Lee
:23:58. > :24:04.Nelson, Joe Wilkinson, Adam Riches, Tom Rosenthal, Roisin Conaty # The
:24:04. > :24:09.Boy With Tape On His Face # Nick Helm, Axis of Awesome, and David
:24:09. > :24:16.O'Doherty. Thank you for coming out tonight to the Edinburgh Festival.
:24:16. > :24:21.And the three at the fringe. And you can buy find more BBC comedy on
:24:21. > :24:29.the BBC comedy web-site and thank you for coming. I have been Charlie
:24:29. > :24:33.Baker and over to you Scott Mills. Thank you very much. Love him.
:24:33. > :24:41.Charlie Baker there. Thank you and thank you for your tweet and
:24:41. > :24:50.messages. And we will have an appearance from the midnight beast
:24:50. > :24:56.on Monday on BBC Three. Good. Hi Frisky. How was that? It was fun.
:24:56. > :25:02.have been here a week, and I... Need vegetables and sleep. How the
:25:02. > :25:10.hell do you do this for a months? We're clean living. It is not cool
:25:10. > :25:14.to say. We don't drink. That is not actually true. I saw you in the bar
:25:14. > :25:20.Shush. I was having physio today. This is brutal. Like comedy at the
:25:20. > :25:26.rough edge. It is so good. The first time it has been on BBC Three
:25:26. > :25:32.live. Russell Kane hi. Hello. was it for you? Good my cold and
:25:32. > :25:36.flu medication held up. I have been breaded. A string of snot went down
:25:36. > :25:42.as I was talking about my sex life. I was advertising that I was single
:25:42. > :25:47.and I snotted. Do you wants some of this lady. Or bread. There is
:25:47. > :25:53.plenty of bread. Can I have some some. We're thinking we should do
:25:53. > :25:58.this every year. This is great. Why aren't we doingy year. We should
:25:58. > :26:03.celebrate the fringe. Comedians used to be geeks, now we're like
:26:03. > :26:10.rock stars. A lot of people think that the festival is a bit too arty
:26:10. > :26:17.farty. This proves that there is something for everyone. Yeah, they
:26:17. > :26:22.proved I'm sweary moron. Are you having a lovely time. It is like a
:26:22. > :26:26.dinosaur wrapped in a space ship w a swords on fire. The Boy With Tape
:26:26. > :26:31.On His Face, are you having a nice On His Face, are you having a nice
:26:31. > :26:35.time? Less my favourite. Listen, thank you for being on the show. I
:26:35. > :26:40.think it was a success. Let's do it again. If you enjoyed tonight's
:26:40. > :26:46.show there a week's worth of performances on the BBC Three web-
:26:46. > :26:50.site. Covered in bread now. And you can tune into BBC Three on Mondays