0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language. Contains adult humour.
0:00:05 > 0:00:07Welcome to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival 2012.
0:00:07 > 0:00:09I'm Jameela Jamil, and as all of you comedy fans know,
0:00:09 > 0:00:11this is the location for the epic comedy marathon.
0:00:11 > 0:00:13An eight-hour comedy onslaught featuring some of the finest
0:00:13 > 0:00:15comedians that the Fringe has to offer.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17It all took place in the red button.
0:00:17 > 0:00:20If you missed it, you should we slightly ashamed of yourself.
0:00:20 > 0:00:24But don't worry, because we've packaged it all up neatly into one bite-size chunk.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26This is the story of that night,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29and I'm not going to lie, it was awesome.
0:00:47 > 0:00:55Hello, and welcome to the BBC Three Comedy Marathon, coming to you live from
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Potter Row, slap bang in the middle of the world against arts festival.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00I'm talking about Edinburgh 2012.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I'm Jameela Jamil, and over the next eight hours,
0:01:03 > 0:01:06yes, I did say eight hours, and going to be serving you at some
0:01:06 > 0:01:10of the finest comedy that the Fringe Festival has to offer.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13This is the BBC's very own venue which, every night,
0:01:13 > 0:01:16hosts a myriad of some of the best
0:01:16 > 0:01:20and most exclusive acts to offer here, but tonight it belongs to us.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23In fact, tonight it belongs to you.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Over there is our main stage,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and over here are our amazing, hungry audience,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31waiting with bated breath to laugh themselves silly.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Now, guys, right now you live on the BBC, say hello.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36CHEERING
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Yes! Edinburgh Festival!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Jesus Christ, is anyone else warm in here?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Is this supposed happen? I don't know what's happening.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17LAUGHING
0:02:17 > 0:02:19I've got 50p!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21You've got 50p?
0:02:21 > 0:02:22For the meter?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Ah, I forgot that's how you people pay electricity.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30CHEERING
0:02:30 > 0:02:33This is what real comedy's like, get off your fucking sofa
0:02:33 > 0:02:35and come and watch it, you bastard.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38APPLAUSE
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Let's do this.
0:02:53 > 0:02:54CHEERING
0:02:54 > 0:02:55There was a guy waving on the way in,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58this is by far the most informal piece of broadcasting
0:02:58 > 0:03:00I've ever been involved in.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15We've done it.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Give it up for the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey.
0:03:21 > 0:03:22APPLAUSE
0:03:27 > 0:03:31Yes, Edinburgh Festival!
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Woo!
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Yes, oh.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Good, so, give a cheer if you have been to the Fringe before.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41CHEERING
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Excellent stuff, give us a chair if it's your first time.
0:03:43 > 0:03:44QUIETER CHEERING
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Ha, one guy.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Mate, you look like it's the first time you've ever been out of the house.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50"Yea-aaah!
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"Sky is blue!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:55Magic.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57We've got an amazing, amazing night,
0:03:57 > 0:04:00this is the maddest comedy night I've ever been part of.
0:04:00 > 0:04:02There's nearly 50 acts I think, there's me,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04there's going to be a couple of other comperes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:05It's going to be good stuff,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08you got your drink on the stage already, mate, disrespectful.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Good. It's all right, you can keep it there,
0:04:10 > 0:04:12we all built this today so you could use this as a table, mate.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14That's exactly what happened.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16He put it back as well, fair play.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19What's your name, pal?
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Mark?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Yeah, he just froze after that, "Mark, it's all you're getting."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26What have you been doing today, Mark?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Not much, really.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Mark's bottled it immediately.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31What do you do?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33I'm employed as of Monday.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You are employed as of Monday? Congratulations.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38APPLAUSE
0:04:38 > 0:04:42- That's amazing. What did you do before that, were you a student? - A student.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44- What were you studying?- Geography.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47Geography, fantastic. You find your way here, well done.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49And what's the job?
0:04:49 > 0:04:53It's selling charity challenge holidays.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Selling charity challenge holidays?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Four years at university well spent there, mate.
0:05:00 > 0:05:06It's nice to be here though, I'm from South Shields originally. Good.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Literally nothing, fair enough, right, playing hardball, good,
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'm here all night, don't worry.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14I live in Manchester now though.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15CHEERING
0:05:15 > 0:05:17Oh, you cheer that, will you?
0:05:17 > 0:05:19One guy just went.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21LAUGHING
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I, I live in Manchester I get grief from accident in Manchester.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26They got nerve.
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Sorry, like, but I mean,
0:05:27 > 0:05:31have you ever heard somebody who's so Manc it sounds like it hurts?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Awwwww.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37It sounds like somebody fingering a sleeping cat.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40You should try it at home, just use one though,
0:05:40 > 0:05:41use two, it wakes up and goes mental.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Right, what we can to do, we're going to crack on now, please,
0:05:46 > 0:05:49give it up for radio ones beatbox champion.
0:05:49 > 0:05:50It's the fantastic Petebox!
0:05:50 > 0:05:53APPLAUSE
0:05:54 > 0:06:03BEATBOXES
0:06:05 > 0:06:08CHEERING
0:06:08 > 0:06:12BEATBOXES
0:06:12 > 0:06:16CHEERING
0:06:16 > 0:06:18Petebox, Petebox, everyone!
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Thank you.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Brilliant stuff, man. Amazing.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Petebox is going to be sitting on stage, we might to interviews
0:06:28 > 0:06:32with people and have a little bit of fun later on. Yeah, man?
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Just ignore us, not a problem.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Just ignore us.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42Are you ready for your first fantastic act?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Please, go crazy, go well, for the brilliant Marlon Davis.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Hello.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Evening, evening, evening, evening.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01You all well?
0:07:01 > 0:07:04I'm good myself, man.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06There's a lot of mad people in the world, aren't there?
0:07:06 > 0:07:07Yes.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Yeah, see, there's one there.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12There is, I love mad people, my favourite mad person for a
0:07:12 > 0:07:16while had to be the lady that put a cat in a wheelie bin.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Not that I'm a cat hater,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22it's just the way how people reacted to the situation.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I wasn't even in the country at the time, I was in Glasgow,
0:07:25 > 0:07:26and that counts.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29But people were talking about it all over the world,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32like American news, Australian news, they were like,
0:07:32 > 0:07:35"how dare that lady do that, how dare she do such a thing!"
0:07:36 > 0:07:40"Everybody knows cats go in the brown bin, everybody knows!
0:07:40 > 0:07:44In the brown bin, and they're knocking on the door, they are, like, lady,
0:07:44 > 0:07:46you need to come out, and say sorry to the cat.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49She came out like she was a gangster though, I quite like that.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53She came out, she was like I don't see what the problem is.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56I mean, Top Cat has been living in bins for years.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00Why is everyone outside my house? Why is these cameras here?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04I think all she had was a moment of an us, but all she had.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06She had a moment of madness, we have these things
0:08:06 > 0:08:10and had all of the time, but we don't choose to act it out.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Because all of us in this room right now, we're stuck in a realm,
0:08:13 > 0:08:15where our conscience dictates what we can
0:08:15 > 0:08:18and what we can't do in everyday life.
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Right, have you ever been at a gym
0:08:19 > 0:08:23and you've seen a fat person walking on a treadmill.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26And you think to yourself, run, fatty, run, but you can't say that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30Because that's what we do, we protect people's feelings all of the time.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Have you ever been walking down the street, right,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35and have you ever seen an ugly girl pushing a buggy?
0:08:37 > 0:08:40And you think yourself, don't you, who did that?
0:08:40 > 0:08:42LAUGHING
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Even the baby is looking at you like...
0:08:47 > 0:08:48LAUGHING
0:08:48 > 0:08:50I don't know how I got here.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53But I tell you what, it's a bit shameful,
0:08:53 > 0:08:55she keeps picking me up from the nursery,
0:08:55 > 0:08:59and the kids are like, is that your mum, and I'm like, no, I'm adopted.
0:08:59 > 0:09:00LAUGHTER
0:09:00 > 0:09:04But I love this, I love this job more than anything, travelling up
0:09:04 > 0:09:06and down the country, it's fantastic.
0:09:06 > 0:09:11The best place I like going to the most is sleepy towns.
0:09:11 > 0:09:12I like going to the sleepy towns
0:09:12 > 0:09:16because they appreciate the fact that you come so far to entertain them.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19They always mesmerised with the fact that you come from London,
0:09:19 > 0:09:20they're like, "you're from London?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Yeah, they're like, "what's it like living in London?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Must be amazing, living in London, because you've got
0:09:25 > 0:09:29people from other nationalities and cultures all in one place.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33It must be great, I bet you've never really experienced racism."
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I was like, what do you mean by that?
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Am I going to experience it now?
0:09:40 > 0:09:43Truth is, I don't really experience racism any more.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Not any more, ever since I stopped playing football.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:50No racism whatsoever.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Where a little bit confused, our generation,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56if someone is suspiciously being a bit racist, what we do now,
0:09:56 > 0:10:00we pull out of friends, video it, push onto YouTube.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04YouTube be the deciding factor if someone is actually being racist.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It happened last year with the lady on a tram down in Croydon.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Can you remember this?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12For the people who don't understand what happened,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15there was an English lady who was on the tram,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20and she just freaked out because she had other people from other nationalities on the tram with her.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24She was effing and blinding because this isn't the same England that she remembers.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27The people on the tram couldn't understand her,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30because she was speaking English, right.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31LAUGHING
0:10:31 > 0:10:34But it went viral, it went all over the world,
0:10:34 > 0:10:39and I read about it in a credible source, which was in the Metro, right.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43And the lady wrote in, in the comment section,
0:10:43 > 0:10:50"This lady has ashamed my race, she has made me ashamed to be white.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"This lady has ashamed my race."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Now, I didn't know one person from your race
0:10:56 > 0:10:58makes you feel that way, I didn't know.
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Because being black, we've got people that shame us all the time.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Like Ainslie Harriet, right.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06APPLAUSE
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Some people are clapping, I agree!
0:11:08 > 0:11:11Some people are like, "no, I enjoy his couscous, please."
0:11:14 > 0:11:16I was in Grimsby, right,
0:11:16 > 0:11:20and I said the same thing to do audience in Grimsby once upon a time.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23The people were very nice, you could even say sweet, right,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26but you know what, they started naming other black people,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29right, that I should be ashamed of.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Can you believe that? They were like, "what about Emile Hesky?"
0:11:34 > 0:11:36I can't really defend Emile Hesky.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"What about Tim Westwood?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41LAUGHING
0:11:41 > 0:11:42What?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44APPLAUSE
0:11:45 > 0:11:49But what really threw me, there was a guy right at the back, he said,
0:11:49 > 0:11:53"what about Leroy?" and it travelled, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy.
0:11:53 > 0:11:54I said, who the hell is Leroy?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57"You don't know him, but if you did know him, you'd be ashamed."
0:11:57 > 0:11:59LAUGHING
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Thank you much, I'm Marlon Davis, good night.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04APPLAUSE
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Marlon Davis.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11Marlon, Marlon, Marlon, what a man. Marlon Davis, everyone!
0:12:13 > 0:12:14CHEERING
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Yes, I did Tim Westwood's radio show once, as a guest on it,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22and he was shouting and getting us to tell him jokes.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24He was violent and he scared us.
0:12:24 > 0:12:25I don't like him.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29He said, yes, he had grenades and all kinds going off.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31"Ramsay, tell me...bowwww-chhh! A joke."
0:12:32 > 0:12:36It was like all kinds, it was like Basra, it was mental, right.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39He went, "what would I say if I is a comedian, what would I say,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41what would I say?"
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And I went, if I was you, I would walk on, and I would say hi,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I'm Tim Westwood and the UK's biggest hip-hop DJ,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49but I look like I should be selling TVs in Dixons.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53All his cronies laughed, he looked at them and they stopped.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55It was amazing.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Can we have another round of applause for Petebox,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01who is going to be beat boxing and meeting people off the stage.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04Mix it up, bring it higher, bring it higher!
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Welcome to the stage, Mr Rhys Darby!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Rhys Darby.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21Yes, thank you, good evening, it's good to be here tonight.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23You're probably thinking, yes, he must be doing pretty well,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26he's got his own T-shirt.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28No, it's my brother's, Roger.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31He's an electrician.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36Woo!
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Just wait for that applause to die down.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40Ah, it's good to be here.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46Over the last couple of years I've met a few people. "Have you?"
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Yeah, it's all part and parcel of the performance activities.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I'm a keen handshake when I meet people,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I believe that the classic way to go.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56These days, you get a lot of different offerings,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00high-fives, hugs, I remember when the first fist came out of me,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03I didn't know what to do with that, I just sort of grabbed it.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04APPLAUSE
0:14:06 > 0:14:09"No, you've got to pump it."
0:14:09 > 0:14:14Oh, OK, pump it, there we go.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Oh, bump it? I'd rather just leave it.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18It's weird, it's like you're trying to punch me
0:14:18 > 0:14:20but you've missed by half a metre. LAUGHING
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Do you want me to jump in to that, do you?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Ah!
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Why would you do that? I just don't like it.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29I think fisting's not right.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31LAUGHING
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I come in with the handshake just to make sure that's what
0:14:34 > 0:14:38we get these days, I come in quite early, sometimes three metres.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44I've even gone around corners with the handshake.
0:14:44 > 0:14:46I know I'm meeting someone outside a shop, I know they are there,
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I've been dropped off over there.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51I've come round the corner with it.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Oh, good day, mate.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Now and then I've gone to someone
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and realised at the last minute I've realised that's not the person
0:14:57 > 0:15:01I'm supposed to meet, and I've veered off, oh, sorry, mate.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04I've just got a wayward handshake.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Shit, what am I going to do with that?
0:15:06 > 0:15:08People can see it from across the street.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10"Oh, no, that guy's got a wayward handshake!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Shit, he's got no-one to receive it!"
0:15:12 > 0:15:14"Help!"
0:15:14 > 0:15:18Help me, someone meet me!
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I've just landed on the sidewalk.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I'm OK.
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Ah, shit, where's he going?
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Ah, he's going to the person we were supposed to meet.
0:15:32 > 0:15:33He's not there.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35He's not there, mate!
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Get on the lift, boooooom.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41Back in the pocket.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That's the wrong pocket.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48You ever put your hand in the wrong pocket?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Yeah, I know it's the wrong pocket, I'll get away with it.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Ah, I'm into robots,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00and jogging.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02And chicks with dicks.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I'm joking, I'm joking!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07I'm not into jogging.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:13I do like robots, in particular Transformers,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17as a kid I used to make them and build them, enjoy them.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21Then, of course, the movies came out, I had to see them as an adult.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Thought they were rubbish, the main problem for me is that they just
0:16:24 > 0:16:27transform too quickly, in the movies it's just like, "bsssst, boom, boom."
0:16:27 > 0:16:31Bullshit, anyone who has ever had a Transformer will tell you it
0:16:31 > 0:16:34takes half a day to transform those things, you know?
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It's not that easy.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37This is what I expected to see in the movies
0:16:37 > 0:16:40when the Transformers transformed.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42Brrrrom. "Transformed."
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Eeh, eeh, eeh, "oh, shit!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:49My arm's stuck in the wheel housing, I can't get it round.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Oh, my head won't... Is that right?
0:16:52 > 0:16:56No, I'm half a truck!
0:16:56 > 0:16:59Shit, they're coming, quick, put me back in the packet.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04# More than meets the eye...#
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Well, we've all had a good laugh tonight, but I just want to
0:17:09 > 0:17:13finish on a little, sort of, emotional piece, if you will.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15It's about my grandfather who passed away last year,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18he was a great man, he fought in all the wars,
0:17:18 > 0:17:23did everything there was to do for a man of his age and time.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26I say he's passed away, he's not fully dead, he's in a rest home,
0:17:26 > 0:17:30but we don't visit him anymore, so he's dead to us.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I just want to perform to you a song which he passed on to me.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39It's about one of the battles he was in, it's called 'Nam.
0:17:39 > 0:17:43I hope you enjoy this and get a lot out of it like I have over the years.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47PLAYS HARMONICA
0:17:54 > 0:17:57BOOM!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59EMULATES GUNFIRE
0:18:07 > 0:18:08EMULATES BOMBS DROPPING
0:18:08 > 0:18:13Ugh! Medic!
0:18:13 > 0:18:14PLAYS HARMONICA
0:18:17 > 0:18:19APPLAUSE
0:18:19 > 0:18:22Thank you very much, good night!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Rhys Darby, everyone!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Bloody hell.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31The next act coming up to the stage is a good friend of mine,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33he's absolutely fantastic, you're going to love him.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Give it up for the brilliant Daniel Sloss.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51Seriously building this up so much more, it's going to be shit.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Uh, just tell you a bit about my year.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57Got a haircut, yeah, it's not that good, but thanks.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Uh, the reason I got my hair cut was for several reasons, first,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03I genuinely thought it would make me look older, that backfired.
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The other reason I've had this hair since I was,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09like, 15 years old, then Justin Bieber turned up,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12and everyone was like, "oh, you look like Justin Bieber."
0:19:12 > 0:19:14And I don't want that, cos I'm straight.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17Um, so I got it cut to this length,
0:19:17 > 0:19:21and it turns out Justin Bieber has also had his hair cut to this length.
0:19:21 > 0:19:26So next year, I'm going to fucking kill myself. And...
0:19:28 > 0:19:29You're welcome, society!
0:19:29 > 0:19:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Make my birthday a national holiday.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Don't. It's September the 11th.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet.
0:19:44 > 0:19:45Yep, that's my genuine birthday.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48That's what I don't like, because that's the standard reaction.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49"When your birthday?"
0:19:49 > 0:19:51"Oh, it's September 11th." HE GASPS
0:19:53 > 0:19:54I didn't do it!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58It's not like my uncle came up to me and said,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"What you want for your birthday?"
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And I went, "Ooh, I don't know. Surprise me."
0:20:02 > 0:20:04LAUGHTER
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama(!) No!
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Sitting there watching the news, going, "Fuuuck!
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"A card would have done!"
0:20:20 > 0:20:23I moved out this year. I moved out. That's a big step.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25It was very weird moving out.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It's always hard on parents when a child moves out. ONE parent.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31ONE parent cares. The other one doesn't really give a crap.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33And see if you can work out which one of my parents
0:20:33 > 0:20:35was more upset when I moved out.
0:20:35 > 0:20:36You've got two choices,
0:20:36 > 0:20:39despite the fact that I am originally from Fife. You've got...
0:20:39 > 0:20:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:47You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum,
0:20:47 > 0:20:48or my stepdad.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Now, I'll give you another clue.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52He's not actually my stepdad.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I just call him that to piss him off.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:00"Call me Dad!" "Shut up, Martin!"
0:21:02 > 0:21:05I am a proper mummy's boy. Deep down.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I love my mum. She's amazing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10She's had four kids, and you know that she loves us all the same,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16Because she'll always go on about how she was BLESSED with me,
0:21:16 > 0:21:18and she was GIFTED with my sister.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Then she HAD my brother.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21And she'll always remember the day
0:21:21 > 0:21:23that she was DIAGNOSED with the other one.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:27We were all intentional, though.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Which is good,
0:21:29 > 0:21:32because my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.
0:21:32 > 0:21:36Which is great, because her sister is actually anti-abortion.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38Which is a cruel nickname, but she's had, like, five.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42TENTATIVE APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:21:45 > 0:21:47That was a tester joke.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49Some of you passed.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Some of you should've been aborted.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:56I do like my dad. My dad's great.
0:21:56 > 0:21:59He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.
0:21:59 > 0:22:00I'm not one of these hardcore atheists.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I don't hate religious people. If you are religious, beautiful.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Well done, you. I wish I could have that faith.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08I wish I could have that belief system.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09But I went to school, so...
0:22:11 > 0:22:13But I'm genuinely not against religion.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15I've got an uncle who is a minister.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17He is 5ft 2, so we call him a mini-ster.
0:22:19 > 0:22:22I mean, he hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24LAUGHTER
0:22:24 > 0:22:25No!
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34And the thing he does that is quite annoying as he does that thing
0:22:34 > 0:22:38a lot of religious people do, in that he quotes the bible at me.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40"Daniel, you will know the truth
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"and the truth will set you free. John: 19:32"
0:22:43 > 0:22:46What?
0:22:46 > 0:22:48Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50"If you want know what a man is truly like,
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals."
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57The exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Because I think we can all agree fans of Harry Potter
0:23:00 > 0:23:02are slightly less annoying than fans of the bible.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Because they've definitely started less wars.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11CHEERING I hate Twilight.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12If you've never seen the films,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15allow me to quickly summarise all four of them for you.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18"Jacob!" "What?" Fffft! Done.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You've got, very quickly, you've got your three main characters.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23Jacob, who is a weird werewolf.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28If you don't know who Robert Pattinson is,
0:23:28 > 0:23:32he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36And then you've finally got Bella Swan.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Bella Swan is the most miserable woman
0:23:38 > 0:23:40that's ever existed in fact or fiction.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's like she's constantly on her period,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44which I imagine he fucking loves.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:49 > 0:23:51That'll do.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Daniel Sloss!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- BEATBOXING MUSIC - Daniel Sloss, everyone!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Scotland's own!
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Scotland's very own. Wow!
0:24:04 > 0:24:06BEATBOXING MUSIC FADES
0:24:06 > 0:24:09It's like someone's shut the door, innit?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Great, so the door shut. To the music room, right?
0:24:12 > 0:24:15HE MAKES CREAKING DOOR SOUND MUSIC GETS LOUDER
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- APPLAUSE - Keep that fucking racket down, will you?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20MUSIC FADES
0:24:20 > 0:24:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:22 > 0:24:26MUSIC GETS LOUDER
0:24:26 > 0:24:28MUSIC STOPS CHEERS AND WHISTLES
0:24:28 > 0:24:30Petebox, everyone!
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Thank you very much.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35The next act coming to the stage
0:24:35 > 0:24:38is the wonderful Ellie Taylor!
0:24:38 > 0:24:41APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Hey, Edinburgh! How are we doing?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47CHEERING
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Ooh! We're very good! So, hello, my name is Ellie,
0:24:49 > 0:24:51I am quite tall.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53But it's always been a good thing for me, because my blokes
0:24:53 > 0:24:56say things like, "Ellie, you are like an Amazonian warrior."
0:24:56 > 0:24:59Ooh! Brilliant! Then I had another boyfriend say,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02"Ellie, you're like a king-size Mars bar."
0:25:02 > 0:25:04And I said, "What, because I offer that little bit extra,
0:25:04 > 0:25:06"and only every man can handle me?"
0:25:06 > 0:25:08And he said, "No, because you seem like a good idea,
0:25:08 > 0:25:09"but I feel sick afterwards."
0:25:09 > 0:25:11LAUGHTER
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Not as good. Which is a shame,
0:25:12 > 0:25:15because I always think I'm the right side of tall.
0:25:15 > 0:25:17Like I'm useful, but not freakish.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19I'm very good at changing lightbulbs
0:25:19 > 0:25:20and getting things off shelves,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22but still within the requirements
0:25:22 > 0:25:23to have a sham marriage to Tom Cruise.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Big Tom Cruise fan over there, clearly!
0:25:27 > 0:25:29Being tall as a kid was quite tricky,
0:25:29 > 0:25:31because as a grown-up, I've plateaued.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33As a child, I was FUCKING EPIC.
0:25:33 > 0:25:34I was.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Pictures of me at primary school with my friends
0:25:37 > 0:25:40just make me look like a Sylvanian Families enthusiast.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42This is my collection.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45Oh, I just squashed Jessica! Sorry!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Being tall as a grown-up has its downfalls as well.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50It's made me quite discriminate about people who are under 5ft 5.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52WOMAN CHEERS
0:25:52 > 0:25:54The same Tom Cruise fan! What a surprise!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57I don't mean to be discriminate of you, darling.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I just don't see you.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02The other day, I walked directly into a short woman wearing a burka,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06because my peripheral vision had labelled her out as a bollard.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:12If you ever find yourself in that situation,
0:26:12 > 0:26:14it does not help things when you say,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"Sorry, I thought you were a bollard."
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Not good. So I looked after my little nephew last weekend.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22He is two years old, and my sister said before she left me with him,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24"Careful, he's got a bit naughty lately.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26"Turned into a bit of a monkey." And she was right.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27She been gone ten minutes,
0:26:27 > 0:26:29he'd nicked the windscreen wiper off my car,
0:26:29 > 0:26:31shat on the bonnet, scaled a tree.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32You've got to be on them, don't you?
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And I find it tricky when I look after him,
0:26:35 > 0:26:36because as a woman in her late 20s,
0:26:36 > 0:26:40I started thinking, "God, am I ready to become a mother?"
0:26:40 > 0:26:42And I'm not sure, right, because on one hand,
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I look at the boys in One Direction, and I think,
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"Gosh, your parents must be so proud of you.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51"I hope you packed enough socks and taken your multivitamins. Ooh!"
0:26:51 > 0:26:54And then on the other hand, I want to sit on Harry's face.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:04Which may be suggesting I'm not quite ready to be a mother.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Or sort of ready to hang out with people under the age of 19 alone.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11Really. But...anyone here been in a photo?
0:27:11 > 0:27:12AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14One or two, that's handy! Lovely!
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I've been doing a photography course recently,
0:27:17 > 0:27:18and I've learned quite a lot from it.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I've learned, for instance,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22that 98% of women will take photos of any old shit.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24We love a photo, don't we?
0:27:24 > 0:27:27But it has given rise to some awesome Facebook photo albums.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30You know the ones I'm talking about, with the kind of crazy titles.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Things like, "Just another quiet Friday night, winky face emoticon!"
0:27:34 > 0:27:36"Ooh! Mental!"
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Then will come the photos,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40and the equally inane photo captions.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42So they're always start with something like,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44"Me and my friends at the beginning of the night.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46"What gorgeous girls I'm friends with!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Us ordering the first bottle of wine.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"First of many, because we are such alkies!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"The bottle of wine. My glass.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"Laura's glass. Jenny's glass.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59"Us all facing to the left. Ooh!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01"Us all facing to the right. Ooh!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04"An arty one of just our shoes."
0:28:04 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:12"Best night ever!" Oh, my God!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15The only thing worse than seeing one of those albums
0:28:15 > 0:28:17is when you re-look at the title,
0:28:17 > 0:28:20and see that it actually says, "Part one."
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Whereas if a bloke does decide for some reason
0:28:24 > 0:28:25to take a camera out with him,
0:28:25 > 0:28:29he'll take one to two photos before getting bored, leaving him
0:28:29 > 0:28:32with a record of the evening that consists of,
0:28:32 > 0:28:34"Dave downing a pint. Mike's knob. Done."
0:28:34 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:39And he'll think he's been very thorough.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Guys, you've been wonderful.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Enjoy the rest of your evening. Good night!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Ellie Taylor! Yes!
0:28:51 > 0:28:52Brilliant!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54BEATBOXING MUSIC
0:28:56 > 0:28:58HE LAUGHS
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I want him instead of a CD player!
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Alarm clock, CD player, ring tone.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05- I just want him to go, "Hey..." - HE BEATBOXES
0:29:05 > 0:29:08And I'd go, "Yeah, stop spitting on us. That's me phone."
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Amazing. I want a party trick. I haven't got a party trick.
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Everyone gets drunk and talks shit at a party.
0:29:14 > 0:29:15That's all I do.
0:29:15 > 0:29:16Are you ready for the next act?
0:29:16 > 0:29:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:20 > 0:29:21Please welcome to the stage
0:29:21 > 0:29:24the brilliant character comedy of Adam Riches!
0:29:24 > 0:29:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:27 > 0:29:31GONG CLANGS REPEATEDLY
0:29:35 > 0:29:39Greetings, gamers! I'm Mastermind.
0:29:39 > 0:29:42A mysterious and enigmatic millionaire
0:29:42 > 0:29:43who travels the globe,
0:29:43 > 0:29:46risking it all for the thrill of the game.
0:29:46 > 0:29:47I'm blind.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50I'm prone to periods of bizarre self-description,
0:29:50 > 0:29:51and I wear a leg bag and catheter,
0:29:51 > 0:29:54purely for cosmetic reasons.
0:29:56 > 0:29:58This is my beautiful concubine, Sunatra.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05I won her in a particularly high stakes game of Skill in 2003.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Who amongst you will accept my challenge,
0:30:08 > 0:30:12and face me in a do-or-die game of wit and elan?
0:30:12 > 0:30:15And the chance to win my entire fortune,
0:30:15 > 0:30:18plus the hand of my beautiful concubine, Sunatra?
0:30:18 > 0:30:20LAUGHTER
0:30:20 > 0:30:22Sunatra, water, please.
0:30:29 > 0:30:31No! Like starlings do!
0:30:34 > 0:30:37AUDIENCE GROANS
0:30:39 > 0:30:41AUDIENCE SQUEALS
0:30:45 > 0:30:48AUDIENCE GROANS
0:30:52 > 0:30:57LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:30:57 > 0:30:59Sunatra, groom me, please.
0:31:03 > 0:31:07No! Use your beak, like starlings do!
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Ahhh....ahhh!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15Now, feed me those tiny grubs.
0:31:15 > 0:31:17Again, like starlings do.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24LAUGHTER
0:31:24 > 0:31:27AUDIENCE GROANS
0:31:32 > 0:31:34What the hell was that stream?!
0:31:34 > 0:31:37APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:31:38 > 0:31:41But, enough of this!
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Let the games commence!
0:31:44 > 0:31:46GONG CLANGS HE CROWS LIKE A BIRD
0:31:46 > 0:31:50GONG CLANGS HE CROWS
0:31:50 > 0:31:53GONG CLANGS HE CROWS
0:31:53 > 0:31:55The game itself is simple.
0:31:55 > 0:32:00Mastermind, voted game of the year four years running.
0:32:00 > 0:32:04Yet never with any particular year specified.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06It is a game almost simple in its complexity.
0:32:06 > 0:32:10Guess which three coloured pegs I have hidden in my hand.
0:32:10 > 0:32:14The arena is set. The atmosphere charged.
0:32:14 > 0:32:17All that remains is for Sunatra to find me a combatant... HIM!
0:32:17 > 0:32:20LAUGHTER
0:32:20 > 0:32:22Sunatra, find me that combatant!
0:32:22 > 0:32:24GONG CLANGS
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Ah! Yeah! Bring him to me!
0:32:27 > 0:32:28APPLAUSE Yes!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33Bring him, so I may feel his face.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36HE SHRIEKS
0:32:36 > 0:32:39I like him! What is your name, traveller?
0:32:39 > 0:32:42- AUDIENCE:- Steve!
0:32:42 > 0:32:45LAUGHTER
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Tell me a bit about yourself, Steve.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Your hopes and your dreams.
0:32:52 > 0:32:54AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT
0:32:54 > 0:32:57What you might spend my money on, should you win,
0:32:57 > 0:32:58and whilst you do,
0:32:58 > 0:33:00Sunatra will empty my leg bag,
0:33:00 > 0:33:03so I may face you fully drained.
0:33:03 > 0:33:07AUDIENCE GROANS AND LAUGHS
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Speak, Steve! this is your moment!
0:33:10 > 0:33:13LAUGHTER
0:33:13 > 0:33:17Steve, you would spend my money well, I presume?
0:33:17 > 0:33:20You're so coy, Steve!
0:33:21 > 0:33:23I like you, Steve!
0:33:23 > 0:33:25AUDIENCE SQUEALS
0:33:26 > 0:33:29AUDIENCE GROANS
0:33:29 > 0:33:31LAUGHTER
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Sunatra, where are my manners?!
0:33:36 > 0:33:38Offer our guest a drink!
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Like starlings do, Steve!
0:33:42 > 0:33:45AUDIENCE SQUEALS AND APPLAUDS
0:33:54 > 0:33:56With such little provocation, too!
0:33:56 > 0:34:00Steve, pass me the pegs.
0:34:00 > 0:34:02I will select three coloured pegs from the box,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05and keep them hidden in my hand.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Your quest will be to guess the colours of those pegs,
0:34:07 > 0:34:10Steve, in the correct order, to crack my code.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12So, selection of the pegs.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18'Challenger, this is Sunatra.
0:34:18 > 0:34:22'Speaking to you through the power of telepathy.
0:34:22 > 0:34:26'For too long, I've been held captive in this weirdo's web.
0:34:26 > 0:34:29'Watch me throughout the game,
0:34:29 > 0:34:31'and I will mime to you the colours of the pegs.
0:34:31 > 0:34:33'Win for me, challenger.'
0:34:33 > 0:34:37Apologies for that awkward silence, whilst I selected the pegs.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40But I'm ready to play now.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Good luck, Steve. Peg number one.
0:34:43 > 0:34:47HEART BEATS
0:34:47 > 0:34:49- White.- White!
0:34:49 > 0:34:51The colour of white!
0:34:51 > 0:34:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Fortunate guess, Steve.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00But I think you'll find peg number two harder to crack. Guess again.
0:35:02 > 0:35:03Blue.
0:35:03 > 0:35:05HE LAUGHS Blue!
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Is there such a colour?!
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Blue!!
0:35:08 > 0:35:11APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Now, no, that's not right!
0:35:13 > 0:35:15Something's afoot! Stop the heart CD!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Stop it! Sunatra, look at me!
0:35:18 > 0:35:19Look at me!
0:35:19 > 0:35:21I smell treachery on your tits!
0:35:23 > 0:35:26You have betrayed me for the last time! It's the last round.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29Steve will guess alone. Face away!
0:35:31 > 0:35:33'He's blind,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35'so whatever peg he holds up,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37'just get the audience to cheer anyway.
0:35:37 > 0:35:39'Fuck him!'
0:35:39 > 0:35:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:42 > 0:35:44Ah!
0:35:44 > 0:35:45So, peg number three.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Good luck, my friend.
0:35:50 > 0:35:51Yellow.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:35:55 > 0:35:56HE LAUGHS
0:35:58 > 0:36:00There appears to be a slight loophole there, I feel!
0:36:00 > 0:36:03LAUGHTER
0:36:03 > 0:36:04Unless that is, of course,
0:36:04 > 0:36:07we just have some fans of the colour yellow in here tonight.
0:36:07 > 0:36:09CHEERING
0:36:09 > 0:36:11In which case, that makes perfect sense.
0:36:11 > 0:36:13Sticking with yellow, Steve?
0:36:13 > 0:36:16- Sticking with yellow.- Yellow!
0:36:16 > 0:36:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:19 > 0:36:21'Take me to your seat, loverboy!
0:36:21 > 0:36:23'So that I may sit on your lap
0:36:23 > 0:36:26'until your leg goes dead.
0:36:26 > 0:36:28'By the way...
0:36:28 > 0:36:29'I'm a man.'
0:36:29 > 0:36:32LAUGHTER
0:36:32 > 0:36:35Steve has left me.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Who will tend to my leg bag now?
0:36:37 > 0:36:39You!
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Get up here, now!
0:36:42 > 0:36:44You will be my Sunatra now.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49CHEERING
0:36:49 > 0:36:50Now, put this on.
0:36:50 > 0:36:54Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the end of our tournament.
0:36:54 > 0:36:55I hope you have enjoyed the show.
0:36:55 > 0:36:58We will return when you least expect, or indeed, wish,
0:36:58 > 0:37:02to risk all for the thrill of the game that is Mastermind.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03But for now,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06you, pull me off.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07LAUGHTER
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Like starlings do.
0:37:09 > 0:37:12APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- HE LAUGHS - Adam Riches, everyone!
0:37:21 > 0:37:23Oh, man!
0:37:23 > 0:37:26I know it's a night-long marathon, but is it just me,
0:37:26 > 0:37:28or was Jameela looking rough as fuck during that?
0:37:28 > 0:37:30LAUGHTER
0:37:30 > 0:37:32I wasn't even supposed to come back on,
0:37:32 > 0:37:35but I thought, "I'm going to come on and say that."
0:37:35 > 0:37:39For now, I'm Chris Ramsey, welcome on Susan Calman.
0:37:39 > 0:37:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Evening, Edinburgh!
0:37:44 > 0:37:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:37:47 > 0:37:49This is where it starts getting real.
0:37:49 > 0:37:50It's coming up to midnight.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52This is where we can get slightly dirty.
0:37:52 > 0:37:55Slightly... I don't know why I'm looking at you, sir.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56I'm a lesbian. Welcome.
0:37:56 > 0:37:58LAUGHTER
0:37:58 > 0:38:00You look like one of my ex-girlfriends. More feminine.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03But welcome, and let me just check where we are all from.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Cheer if you're from Edinburgh. CHEERING
0:38:06 > 0:38:09Oh, a guy giving me the thumbs up!
0:38:09 > 0:38:11Nice one, mate! You're six? Good.
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Cheer if you are from Glasgow.
0:38:13 > 0:38:15CHEERING Quite a few of you.
0:38:15 > 0:38:18Cheer if you're English. CHEERING AND BOOS
0:38:18 > 0:38:19There's three of them!
0:38:19 > 0:38:22We've got them penned up there! LAUGHTER
0:38:22 > 0:38:23Welsh in?
0:38:23 > 0:38:24None!
0:38:24 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Dear God in heaven! Any Irish? CHEERING
0:38:29 > 0:38:30Just a fist!
0:38:30 > 0:38:34That's a different thing for lesbians, sir. Watch yourself.
0:38:34 > 0:38:37That's a proposal of marriage where I come from.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40And is there anyone in from abroad? Anywhere glamorous?
0:38:40 > 0:38:42QUIET CHEERS
0:38:42 > 0:38:44Oh, you're clapping yourself, sweetie!
0:38:44 > 0:38:45Where are you from? Australia?
0:38:45 > 0:38:47CHEERING
0:38:47 > 0:38:48Oh, you got a round of applause
0:38:48 > 0:38:50from the nice lady there. You look quite young.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53How young are you, before I do anything inappropriate?
0:38:53 > 0:38:54Too young for you!
0:38:54 > 0:38:55Too young for me?
0:38:55 > 0:38:56LAUGHTER
0:38:56 > 0:38:59I will be the judge of that, son, thanks very much indeed.
0:38:59 > 0:39:02As long as it's legal, it's fine.
0:39:02 > 0:39:05Er...you're 20? See?
0:39:07 > 0:39:10I have to moderate my language, ladies and gentlemen.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13You'll see me often going like that.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Because I am from Glasgow myself, I'm from Glasgow.
0:39:17 > 0:39:18CHEERING
0:39:18 > 0:39:22Thank you very much indeed. Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.
0:39:22 > 0:39:26It's the accent, the way we can make even a compliment sound threatening.
0:39:26 > 0:39:31GRUFFLY: For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby!"
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Sounds a wee bit different, eh?
0:39:37 > 0:39:41You can't see on this stage, but I'm actually quite a tiny person,
0:39:41 > 0:39:43I'm quite tiny. Yes.
0:39:43 > 0:39:45Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie?
0:39:45 > 0:39:47How tall are you, gorgeous?
0:39:47 > 0:39:49- Just under five foot. - Just under five foot - snap!
0:39:49 > 0:39:52I'm 4'11".
0:39:52 > 0:39:56Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00That is where the similarity ends.
0:40:00 > 0:40:02I'm aware of that.
0:40:02 > 0:40:07I have one talent, being this short, one talent, it is absolutely outstanding.
0:40:07 > 0:40:12I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.
0:40:12 > 0:40:15Thank you very much, thank you very much.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:17 > 0:40:21It's quite an expensive hobby, but I really enjoy it, to be honest.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24I love the Festival, I adore the Festival.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27I've had some bad times at the Festival.
0:40:27 > 0:40:292006. 2006, did my first show.
0:40:29 > 0:40:32Gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.
0:40:32 > 0:40:34My parents were desperately disappointed
0:40:34 > 0:40:37because being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian.
0:40:37 > 0:40:40Or spinster, as they like to call me.
0:40:40 > 0:40:442006, I did a show, here at the Edinburgh Festival.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46I thought it'd be amazing.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50£7,500, I'll get on the telly, living the dream, no bother at all.
0:40:50 > 0:40:53Did a show. Two people came to see the show.
0:40:53 > 0:40:55For the whole month!
0:40:55 > 0:40:58AUDIENCE GROAN Two Irish men came, sat in the front row,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01punched each other in the crotch for an hour.
0:41:01 > 0:41:03It was a happening.
0:41:03 > 0:41:06I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh and I was flyer...
0:41:06 > 0:41:09"Please come and see my show. Dear God, come and see my show."
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.
0:41:12 > 0:41:17I turned round, I expected to see a rugby player or a Ninja.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19It was a 12-year-old boy.
0:41:19 > 0:41:22I had two choices, right, I had two choices.
0:41:22 > 0:41:25I can let him go, or I could have chased him down the Royal Mile.
0:41:25 > 0:41:27And that's what I did.
0:41:27 > 0:41:30And as I was running down the Royal Mile, people were shouting,
0:41:30 > 0:41:33"Why's wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile?"
0:41:33 > 0:41:37And I caught him. And I don't know who was more surprised, me or him,
0:41:37 > 0:41:40cos I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.
0:41:40 > 0:41:42And again, I had two choices.
0:41:42 > 0:41:46I could have let him go with a stern telling-off, or I could have punched him back.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48Now, give me a cheer if you'd have punched him back.
0:41:48 > 0:41:50CHEERING
0:41:50 > 0:41:52And that's what I did.
0:41:52 > 0:41:56And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile, I thought,
0:41:56 > 0:41:58"This is what the Festival's all about!"
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Brought a bit of Glasgow to the situation.
0:42:02 > 0:42:06Someone said to me the other day, "You never did that, you never did that."
0:42:06 > 0:42:08And I was like, "I did."
0:42:08 > 0:42:11You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down, where you just lose it.
0:42:11 > 0:42:15Like when you're in Greggs and there's no discernible queuing pattern,
0:42:15 > 0:42:17but you all know where you are in the queue
0:42:17 > 0:42:21and then someone wanders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?"
0:42:21 > 0:42:23And you go, "Not today, not on my watch!"
0:42:25 > 0:42:27I almost got caught, actually. The police were called,
0:42:27 > 0:42:31but they just thought it was a brother and sister having a tussle.
0:42:32 > 0:42:38I'm going to pass you on now to the wonderful Mr Chris Ramsey!
0:42:38 > 0:42:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:42 > 0:42:45Susan Calman, everyone!
0:42:45 > 0:42:49- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - We'll have to go fast now. We're running over slightly.
0:42:49 > 0:42:54So please keep the clapping going. Build it up for Mr Rob Beckett!
0:42:54 > 0:42:58CHEERING, WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:59 > 0:43:02How good was that? A bit arrogant. Are you all right?
0:43:02 > 0:43:04CHEERING
0:43:04 > 0:43:07Good, I'm Rob. You seem nice, but normally, when I do gigs,
0:43:07 > 0:43:11I normally get all heckles and abuse because of my face.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14Um...cos I look like a lot of people.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Right? And people shout this at me.
0:43:16 > 0:43:22So what I'll do is, I'll run through that now, and then crack on with some actual jokes. Happy with that?
0:43:22 > 0:43:25- Yeah!- Well, it's happening, you might as well get on board.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27It'll be a bit awkward otherwise.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29I'm Rob Beckett and I look like, but I'm not,
0:43:29 > 0:43:33Boris Johnson, Jack Swagger, Jeff Brazier, Biff Tannen.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36SCATTERED LAUGHTER
0:43:36 > 0:43:38James Earl Jones, the Milky Bar Kid...
0:43:39 > 0:43:42..Princess Diana, Leslie Ash...
0:43:42 > 0:43:43LAUGHTER
0:43:43 > 0:43:47..Philip Seymour Hoffman, Myra Hindley, Craig Bellamy,
0:43:47 > 0:43:49Eidur Gudjohnsen, Miss Piggy...
0:43:51 > 0:43:53..Natasha Bedingfield, a frog...
0:43:53 > 0:43:55LAUGHTER
0:43:57 > 0:44:02..Kirk Nielson, Johnny Bravo, Buzz, Peggy Mitchell, Ian Bell, Oliver Kahn...
0:44:02 > 0:44:05Pat Butcher, Scott Walker, Peter Lorre, Bam Bam,
0:44:05 > 0:44:09the Honey Monster, Jill Dando, Billie Piper and a lesbian.
0:44:09 > 0:44:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:15 > 0:44:17Any others while I'm here?
0:44:17 > 0:44:19H from Steps.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21H from Steps?
0:44:21 > 0:44:26Not too bad. You're being nice. I normally get Clare Balding at this point.
0:44:26 > 0:44:30I did a gig the other week and this little old lady was in the crowd.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33She came to me at the end and went, "I've got a look-alikey for you."
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Thinking it'd be someone from the '50s I wasn't aware of.
0:44:36 > 0:44:40She looked at me square in the face and went, "Quasimodo."
0:44:41 > 0:44:42So offensive!
0:44:42 > 0:44:45If it's a lad my age, "Leave it out, will you?"
0:44:45 > 0:44:50But she was so little and old, like my nan, I just had to go, "Oh, thanks, cheers.
0:44:50 > 0:44:52"I'll take that on board."
0:44:52 > 0:44:56You're a nice crowd. Sometimes you do gigs to horrible people.
0:44:56 > 0:44:59Like the other week, before this gig, I needed to go to the toilet.
0:44:59 > 0:45:04I decided to use the disabled toilet, just wanted to stretch my legs. It's nice in there, innit?
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Loads of room, it's clean, it's like an indoor balcony on holiday.
0:45:07 > 0:45:11To be honest with you, the reason I was using this disabled toilet,
0:45:11 > 0:45:14it was a big one, needed the grip while I was in there.
0:45:14 > 0:45:16We've all been there, don't judge me.
0:45:16 > 0:45:20All right? It was barbecue season, meat every week, right?
0:45:20 > 0:45:24So I'm in this disabled toilet, doing my business,
0:45:24 > 0:45:26this bloke knocks on the door, goes, "Somebody in there?"
0:45:26 > 0:45:28I was like, "Yeah, I'm in here, mate."
0:45:28 > 0:45:31Then he said the worst thing anyone's ever said to me,
0:45:31 > 0:45:34he went, "Well, I hope you're disabled." Right?
0:45:37 > 0:45:41I go, "Fair enough, mate, I'm in the wrong, but you can't wish that on anyone."
0:45:41 > 0:45:44What an awful thing to say to someone.
0:45:44 > 0:45:46It's not as if anyone's waiting,
0:45:46 > 0:45:49and even if they were, they'd have a seat anyway. It annoyed me.
0:45:49 > 0:45:53Know what else annoys me? Have you seen the word "lisp" written down?
0:45:53 > 0:45:57Why stick an S in the middle? You're not helping them.
0:45:57 > 0:46:00Have you seen how dyslexia's spelt?
0:46:00 > 0:46:02LAUGHTER
0:46:02 > 0:46:04I'm not dyslexic and I can't spell it!
0:46:04 > 0:46:06How do you think they feel?
0:46:06 > 0:46:08I think I should change it, help 'em out.
0:46:08 > 0:46:11Get rid of the "dyslexi" part, just call it "a", right?
0:46:11 > 0:46:15It'll be a rubbish word at Scrabble, but I doubt they're playing it.
0:46:15 > 0:46:17It'd be much easier, wouldn't it?
0:46:17 > 0:46:20"What's wrong with you, mate?" "I've got a."
0:46:20 > 0:46:23Bit of a nightmare, but easy to spell, they've changed it.
0:46:23 > 0:46:27"How d'you spell it then?" "Oh, it's just T...it's A, A."
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Quick question - why are you so tall?
0:46:31 > 0:46:34Don't know if you saw what I was doing there.
0:46:34 > 0:46:37Looking up higher than normal for the...
0:46:37 > 0:46:39Cos of the...imaginary up there.
0:46:39 > 0:46:41Don't worry about it. Um...
0:46:41 > 0:46:45not done me down. My imaginary dyslexic mate's six foot seven.
0:46:45 > 0:46:48He thinks he's seven foot six, we don't argue.
0:46:48 > 0:46:49Hassle for me, innit?
0:46:49 > 0:46:52I've enjoyed this. I like doing comedy.
0:46:52 > 0:46:56My girlfriend's not a massive fan though, cos there's a lot of late-night drinking.
0:46:56 > 0:46:59She's worried I might cheat on her. I never would. I love her to bits.
0:46:59 > 0:47:02I always try and reassure her with a classic Paul Newman quote. I say,
0:47:02 > 0:47:06"Look, why would I go and have a burger when I've got steak at home?"
0:47:06 > 0:47:10But the problem is, when you're drunk, burgers are well nice.
0:47:10 > 0:47:13I'm Rob Beckett, lovely to see you, good night.
0:47:13 > 0:47:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:24 > 0:47:26Before I even attempt to begin this show,
0:47:26 > 0:47:30I want to say to you Scottish people, "I love your country!"
0:47:30 > 0:47:32CHEERING
0:47:32 > 0:47:36I don't care whether it sounds like crowd pleasing, I love Scotland.
0:47:36 > 0:47:37I love this country.
0:47:37 > 0:47:41Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.
0:47:43 > 0:47:46I'll take that as a compliment. >
0:47:46 > 0:47:47What's that?
0:47:47 > 0:47:49I'll take that as a compliment.
0:47:49 > 0:47:50You'll take that as a compliment.
0:47:50 > 0:47:55It was a compliment, but with a twist, known as the punch line.
0:47:55 > 0:47:57LAUGHTER
0:47:57 > 0:47:59That's...
0:48:00 > 0:48:02HE LAUGHS
0:48:02 > 0:48:05Who here...who here's from the furthest away from here?
0:48:07 > 0:48:09People putting hands up!
0:48:09 > 0:48:11Where are you from?
0:48:11 > 0:48:12Australia. >
0:48:12 > 0:48:14Australia!
0:48:14 > 0:48:17Welcome, my deeply educated friend.
0:48:19 > 0:48:21Welcome, Australian.
0:48:21 > 0:48:22Yeah?
0:48:22 > 0:48:23We like you.
0:48:23 > 0:48:27You're nice people, yeah? Simple, but sweet.
0:48:27 > 0:48:31We also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?
0:48:31 > 0:48:35And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.
0:48:35 > 0:48:38It's called a flip-flop.
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Right, people?
0:48:41 > 0:48:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:43 > 0:48:46It's not called a thong.
0:48:46 > 0:48:51It's an onomatopoeic word, yeah? Flip...flop.
0:48:51 > 0:48:54Flip...flop, flip...flop, flip...flop.
0:48:54 > 0:48:56It doesn't go thong!
0:48:56 > 0:48:59Thong! Thong! Thong!
0:48:59 > 0:49:02Thong-da-daon-dong-dong.
0:49:02 > 0:49:04No.
0:49:05 > 0:49:09We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.
0:49:09 > 0:49:13Welcome, Aussie. Do we have anyone else from anywhere else?
0:49:13 > 0:49:14INDISTINCT SHOUT
0:49:14 > 0:49:18There's a man putting his hand up at the back. I feel like Kilroy-Silk.
0:49:18 > 0:49:19Yes, sir.
0:49:19 > 0:49:21- Syria.- Where?
0:49:21 > 0:49:23- Syria.- Syria!
0:49:23 > 0:49:26You, a drunken, ginger Scottish man...
0:49:29 > 0:49:33..are for some God-knows-what reason,
0:49:33 > 0:49:37live on television, claiming...
0:49:37 > 0:49:40that you're a Syrian.
0:49:41 > 0:49:42Well, why not?
0:49:42 > 0:49:45HE LAUGHS
0:49:45 > 0:49:48That's full of sunburnt sectarian people too.
0:49:48 > 0:49:50APPLAUSE
0:49:52 > 0:49:58This is by far the rowdiest thing that anybody's ever tried to record and broadcast.
0:49:58 > 0:50:00WOMAN YELPS
0:50:00 > 0:50:02And then she ruined it with "Whoo!"
0:50:04 > 0:50:07I don't think...it's Ribena jumping in the air.
0:50:07 > 0:50:09Whoo!
0:50:09 > 0:50:11"I'm quite rowdy. Ha-ha-ha!
0:50:11 > 0:50:15"Cos I've had too much lactose through the day."
0:50:15 > 0:50:16Mmm.
0:50:16 > 0:50:18INDISTINCT COMMENT >
0:50:18 > 0:50:19What's that?
0:50:19 > 0:50:20Haggis, dude. >
0:50:20 > 0:50:22Haggis, dude.
0:50:22 > 0:50:24Is that a new superhero?
0:50:25 > 0:50:27# Haggis Dude!
0:50:27 > 0:50:30# Nobody knows what's inside him
0:50:32 > 0:50:34# Only tourists eat him
0:50:34 > 0:50:36# It's Haggis Dude! #
0:50:36 > 0:50:37WHOOPING
0:50:37 > 0:50:40Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.
0:50:41 > 0:50:44Mild-mannered Calum McGlinchy.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48By day, works in a Vodafone shop...
0:50:49 > 0:50:54..by night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite
0:50:54 > 0:50:56that failed to make it into sausages.
0:50:56 > 0:50:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:51:01 > 0:51:04You're looking at Haggis Dude!
0:51:04 > 0:51:07What are your superpowers?
0:51:07 > 0:51:09Ruining New Years.
0:51:12 > 0:51:15Has anybody ever attempted to actually eat haggis?
0:51:15 > 0:51:17CHEERING
0:51:17 > 0:51:20Look at them! Scottish people, yeah, look at 'em.
0:51:20 > 0:51:23He actually raised his pint, eughhh!
0:51:23 > 0:51:26Who wouldn't try and eat that...
0:51:26 > 0:51:27bladder...
0:51:28 > 0:51:31..filled with...
0:51:32 > 0:51:34..the anuses of chickens
0:51:34 > 0:51:36and the tears of pigs?
0:51:36 > 0:51:40No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.
0:51:40 > 0:51:44Mmm! That pig died a tragic death.
0:51:47 > 0:51:49Beauty. MAN SHOUTS
0:51:49 > 0:51:51- What's that, fella? - It tastes like the rainbow.
0:51:51 > 0:51:53It tastes like a rainbow.
0:51:53 > 0:51:55LAUGHTER
0:51:55 > 0:51:57< That's Skittles!
0:51:57 > 0:52:01Yes, my friend over here, who has heckled you -
0:52:01 > 0:52:05and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before -
0:52:05 > 0:52:09that's what we've descended into, people, hecklers heckling hecklers.
0:52:11 > 0:52:15That's right. My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament
0:52:15 > 0:52:20has pointed out that that's in fact the Skittles logo, my friend.
0:52:20 > 0:52:21LAUGHTER
0:52:23 > 0:52:26No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.
0:52:26 > 0:52:34Yeah? It just sits in the window until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.
0:52:34 > 0:52:35So that's it.
0:52:35 > 0:52:39We've got an Australian, a Syrian...
0:52:41 > 0:52:43Where are you from in Syria?
0:52:43 > 0:52:45Damascus.
0:52:45 > 0:52:48He actually pointed to...Damascus!
0:52:49 > 0:52:51Over that way.
0:52:51 > 0:52:55"I'm from the east side of Damascus. We're largely Hibs fans."
0:52:57 > 0:53:00All right, ladies and gentlemen, I've been Andrew Maxwell.
0:53:00 > 0:53:01Good night!
0:53:01 > 0:53:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:53:10 > 0:53:13We...have...
0:53:13 > 0:53:17one...act...left
0:53:17 > 0:53:20- CHEERING - Don't shake your head. You've come this far, brother.
0:53:20 > 0:53:23You can't leave now. Stick with it.
0:53:23 > 0:53:25You're having another pint, good.
0:53:25 > 0:53:28What is it a pint of? Cos it looks like urine.
0:53:28 > 0:53:29I wish it was breakfast. >
0:53:29 > 0:53:32You wish it was breakfast? Pretend it's breakfast.
0:53:32 > 0:53:34You get some cereal in that stuff, man.
0:53:34 > 0:53:38Please welcome to the stage
0:53:38 > 0:53:41the final act of the Comedy Marathon.
0:53:41 > 0:53:46My saints, my army of martyrs and troopers,
0:53:46 > 0:53:52one more time, raise the roof for the final act of the Comedy Marathon,
0:53:52 > 0:53:55Joey Page!
0:53:55 > 0:53:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:54:00 > 0:54:02Edinburgh Festival, you lunatics!
0:54:02 > 0:54:06It's still live, it's still going, are you all right?
0:54:06 > 0:54:08CHEERING
0:54:08 > 0:54:12If you guys are good, I'll rattle through this and we can go home.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15If you're not, I'm going to take for ever. Um...
0:54:15 > 0:54:18some people are looking at me, thinking, "Who's this indie douche-bag
0:54:18 > 0:54:23"who looks like he roams the streets of Camden Town bursting chavs' bulldogs with his winkle-pickers
0:54:23 > 0:54:26"whilst fishing through a dustbin for a teapot to drink gin out of ironically,
0:54:26 > 0:54:30"at some kind of skin-style party whilst talking to a girl who looks like Anne Boleyn
0:54:30 > 0:54:35"in period dress cos she's done so many drugs she's got her own head tucked underneath her arm."
0:54:35 > 0:54:38I'm actually nothing like that.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41When I'm not on stage, I like nothing better
0:54:41 > 0:54:44than to be sat at home in my old Umbro shorts from Year 8 PE,
0:54:44 > 0:54:49eating a bowl of mashed potato watching WWF wrestling, so it's all going to be all right.
0:54:49 > 0:54:53Um, I do realise that this is an arts festival,
0:54:53 > 0:54:55so I've written a play. I'd like to do that for you now.
0:54:55 > 0:54:59It's called Pencils, and I hope you enjoy it.
0:55:06 > 0:55:08"All right, Tony?"
0:55:08 > 0:55:10"All right, Alan?"
0:55:10 > 0:55:12"Oh, no, we've got the same jumper on again."
0:55:12 > 0:55:16"I told you, I bought a brand-new yellow and black jumper,
0:55:16 > 0:55:18"please don't wear the same thing as me."
0:55:18 > 0:55:23"Don't have a go at me, I've been at work all day, I just grabbed the first thing I could find.
0:55:23 > 0:55:24"I'm well worn down."
0:55:26 > 0:55:27Pencils, ladies and gentlemen.
0:55:27 > 0:55:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:55:30 > 0:55:33So, it was my nan's birthday recently and I forgot to buy her
0:55:33 > 0:55:38a present. I didn't really forget, I didn't have any money. I used this excuse and got away with it.
0:55:38 > 0:55:41So if anyone's got a birthday coming up, you can use this one.
0:55:41 > 0:55:46I rung her up and went, "Hello, Nan, you know I work in that shop? This man came in every day for five days.
0:55:46 > 0:55:51"And he bought one mango each day for five days, but this man, he had a claw for a hand,
0:55:51 > 0:55:55"and he came in, day one, a mango, day two, a mango, day three, day four,
0:55:55 > 0:55:58"a mango, a mango. On the fifth day he came, his phone rang and he went,
0:55:58 > 0:56:00"'Hello, Dr Chris Law?'
0:56:00 > 0:56:05"I thought, 'That evil Dr Claw, how's he planning on taking over the Earth only using five mangoes?
0:56:05 > 0:56:09"'How does he plan to destroy society using five fruits?'
0:56:09 > 0:56:11"So I followed him out of the shop, back to his house,
0:56:11 > 0:56:14"I broke in and hid in a cupboard and watched him like a hawk.
0:56:14 > 0:56:16"Like a hawk in a confined space,
0:56:16 > 0:56:18"going about his evil, suspicious ways,
0:56:18 > 0:56:22"wondering how he used his iPhone without scratching the front with his claw.
0:56:22 > 0:56:24"But he didn't know I was on to him.
0:56:24 > 0:56:27"He didn't know I realised that each day one of the mangoes was disappearing,
0:56:27 > 0:56:31"until on the fifth day, the last one disappeared and I realised that he was just a normal GP
0:56:31 > 0:56:33"whose hand got cut off in a scuba-diving accident
0:56:33 > 0:56:36"and he was no threat to society, he just liked eating mangoes.
0:56:36 > 0:56:40"So I spent five days hidden in his cupboard watching him like a hawk in a confined space.
0:56:40 > 0:56:43"I haven't had time to buy you a birthday present, soz."
0:56:43 > 0:56:45LAUGHTER
0:56:45 > 0:56:49I've been Joey Page. See you again some time. God bless, cheers.
0:56:49 > 0:56:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:56:53 > 0:56:55Enjoy that?
0:57:01 > 0:57:03Yes.
0:57:03 > 0:57:04That was it.
0:57:04 > 0:57:09Please welcome on stage the fantastic, the beautiful Jameela Jamil!
0:57:09 > 0:57:12Yes, good stuff, here she is.
0:57:12 > 0:57:16- There are so many of you left here, I can't believe it.- There's loads.
0:57:16 > 0:57:19- 5am!- Yeah, it's all good.
0:57:19 > 0:57:22Now, can we all get on our feet, we'll count down, we'll finish this
0:57:22 > 0:57:27- and we'll all go...- Let's do this right.- Let's do it, everyone get up. - It's been a big night.
0:57:27 > 0:57:29Shall we count down from 10?
0:57:29 > 0:57:31Yeah? 10...
0:57:31 > 0:57:329...
0:57:32 > 0:57:348...7...
0:57:34 > 0:57:366...5...
0:57:36 > 0:57:384...3...
0:57:38 > 0:57:412...1...
0:57:41 > 0:57:44five hours! Thank you, Edinburgh!
0:57:44 > 0:57:48She's been Jameela Jamil. I've been Chris Ramsey.
0:57:48 > 0:57:50That's Pete Fox.
0:57:50 > 0:57:52Thank you very much, Edinburgh.
0:57:52 > 0:57:53Thank you at home. Good night.
0:58:09 > 0:58:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd