0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains adult humour and some strong language
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello and welcome to BBC Scotland's Comedy At The Fringe.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I'm Susan Calman and you're Edinburgh!
0:00:20 > 0:00:23APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:29I'm from Glasgow myself. I'm from Glasgow. Thank you very much.
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Sometimes people are afraid of Glaswegians.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37It's the accent, the way we can make a compliment sound quite threatening.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42For example, the compliment, "That's a pretty baby."
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Sounds a wee bit different, eh?
0:00:47 > 0:00:51You can't see on this stage but I'm quite a tiny person.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53I am quite tiny. Yes, again.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56Are you tiny as well, sweetie pie? How tall are you, gorgeous?
0:00:56 > 0:01:00- Just under five foot. - Just under five foot? Snap!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02I'm four foot 11.
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Exactly the same height as Kylie Minogue.
0:01:08 > 0:01:11That is where the similarity ends.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12I am aware of that.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17I have one talent being the short one talented is absolutely outstanding.
0:01:17 > 0:01:23I can stand up completely straight in the back of a black cab.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:27 > 0:01:31It's quite an expensive hobby but I really enjoy it.
0:01:31 > 0:01:34There's a few disadvantages being this short.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37I get IDd. I'm 37. You're quite young.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40I get IDd all the time for booze and stuff.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44I went to a pub and asked for a pint. They said, "Have you got any ID?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46I said, "I'm 37." He said, "Have you got any ID?"
0:01:46 > 0:01:50I said, "Would I make that up, seriously? Who wants to be 37?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:54I would have said 18, 19, 20 at a push. I'm really grumpy.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I love the festival, I adore the festival.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01I've had some bad times at the festival. 2006 I did my first show.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I gave up my job as a lawyer to be a comedian.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06My parents were desperately disappointed.
0:02:06 > 0:02:10Being a lawyer just about made up for being a lesbian!
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Or spinster, as they like to call me.
0:02:14 > 0:02:192006, I did a show at the Edinburgh Festival, £7,500,
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I will get on the telly, living the dream. No bother at all.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27I did a show. Two people came to see the show for the whole month.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30Two Irishmen came, sat in the front row,
0:02:30 > 0:02:34punched each other in the crotch for an hour.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36It was a happening.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I was on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, I was flyering, please come and see my show.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Dear God, come and see my show. Next thing I know, I was punched in the back.
0:02:44 > 0:02:49I turned around, I expected to see a rugby player or a ninja.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It was a 12-year-old boy.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Now, I had two choices, right? Two choices. I could have let him go
0:02:55 > 0:02:59or chased him down the Royal Mile and that's what I did!
0:02:59 > 0:03:01As I was running, people were shouting,
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Why is wee Jimmy Krankie running down the Royal Mile!"
0:03:05 > 0:03:07And I caught him.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09I don't know who was more surprised, me or him
0:03:09 > 0:03:12because I hadn't spilled a drop of my pint.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15And again, I had two choices,
0:03:15 > 0:03:18I could have let him go with a stern telling off or punched him back.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Give me a cheer if you would have punched him back?
0:03:21 > 0:03:22AUDIENCE CHEER
0:03:22 > 0:03:24And that's what I did!
0:03:24 > 0:03:28And as I was punching a 12-year-old boy on the Royal Mile I thought,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"This is what the festival is all about!"
0:03:31 > 0:03:36Bring a little bit of Glasgow to the situation.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41Someone said to me, "You never did that, you never did that." I was like, "I did."
0:03:41 > 0:03:44You know, like Michael Douglas in Falling Down. You lose it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49Like in Greggs, there's no discernible queueing pattern but you know where you are in the queue.
0:03:49 > 0:03:54And then someone wonders in and goes, "Can I have a macaroni pie?" and you go, "Not today!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57"Not on my watch!"
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I almost got caught. The police were called.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04But they said it was a brother and a sister having a tussle.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Are you ready for a great comedian?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12AUDIENCE WHOOP
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Better than that, are you ready for a great comedian?
0:04:16 > 0:04:21Ladies and gentlemen, please raise the roof for the awesome Janey Godley.
0:04:21 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:28How are we doing, people?
0:04:28 > 0:04:32My name is Janey. I am from the east end of Glasgow.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35I come from a place where an Oxo cube is a starter.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40I'm from a place where the Catholics hate the Protestants,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42the Protestants hate the Catholics,
0:04:42 > 0:04:46occasionally a brown person turned up and took the heat off everybody.
0:04:46 > 0:04:47Good on you.
0:04:47 > 0:04:54Also, just to let you know, that as a mother I've got a child. I know what you're thinking -
0:04:54 > 0:04:56how did that happen?
0:04:56 > 0:05:00I'm 51 and I've reached an age... I know, this skin is beautiful.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- AUDIENCE:- I love you, Janey!
0:05:02 > 0:05:04You're scaring me, Mum!
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Which is weird cos my mum's dead.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Anyway, I've reached the brilliant age at 51 which is amazing
0:05:12 > 0:05:16because when I was 30 I was terrified people wouldn't like me,
0:05:16 > 0:05:19"Look at me, come to my house for dinner."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22At 40, I would have you round the tea.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25At 51 I've realised I don't fecking like anybody.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"Get out of my house!" I only like five folk.
0:05:27 > 0:05:31One came out of me, one goes in me and the other three are comedians.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And most of them have been here tonight.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43My daughter Ashley is 26 and she went to a private school in Glasgow.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47I'm hard-core working-class but my daughter is middle-class. She knows what cous cous is.
0:05:47 > 0:05:53I thought it was a disease you got if you touched a boy fae Castlemilk!
0:05:53 > 0:05:58But Ashley went to a private school, 75 grand's worth of private education.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01That is a lot of heroin to shift. OK?
0:06:01 > 0:06:05I'm joking, I own the pub, same effect, different drug.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Anyway, Ashley went to a posh school and as you can tell,
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I'm not really one of those mothers that can bake.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I am no' a posh woman.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19You know the kind of woman who have a scarf for every day of the week.
0:06:19 > 0:06:23The kind of woman who bake. I don't understand that. Just buy a cake!
0:06:23 > 0:06:27They sell that shit in the shops. Seriously, just buy it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Who's blending flour into sugar, are you mad?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35The kind of woman you and I know has never had sex up against a fridge.
0:06:37 > 0:06:38Come on, we're Scottish!
0:06:40 > 0:06:45We can have sex up against a fridge and fry an omelette!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49As soon as you're finished, mate, there's some fried goods here.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51These women hated me.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54They used to look at me and go, "I know who you are."
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"You're that little girl in junior six's mum, the comedienne.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01I'd say, "Actually I'm a hooker and your husband owes me a fiver!"
0:07:04 > 0:07:10So, I love men. When you see female stand-ups, you always assume, "They hate me."
0:07:10 > 0:07:15I love men. I'll tell you why. Men like five things.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19They like their house, kids, job, sex and sausages.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23And if you show them a picture of a shark they're over the moon.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28If you said, "I'm going to give you sex and a sausage
0:07:28 > 0:07:33"and then show you a shark," he'd be like, "I'm going to tile your bathroom, bitch."
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Totally.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Men love that stuff.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42I love the fact that men love sex and sausages and sharks.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I think that would be the cure for world peace.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50If Kofi Annan ever has time off, I would go to the Middle East,
0:07:50 > 0:07:55stand on a car, get a loudspeaker and go, "Everybody calm down.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00"We have sex and sausages, clearly not pork. That would be offensive.
0:08:01 > 0:08:05"And then we are going to show you that and give you a shark."
0:08:05 > 0:08:10The Al-Qaeda would be like that, "I'm done with this now."
0:08:10 > 0:08:15Obviously no' in a Scottish accent. "I'm done with this.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18"There's a woman out there going to give us sex and sausages
0:08:18 > 0:08:21"and I am going to find out what a shark is."
0:08:21 > 0:08:26It'd be brilliant. Women are different. Women approach a relationship like this...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28CLICKS
0:08:28 > 0:08:32"I'm an emotional Rubik's cube, can you work me out yet?"
0:08:32 > 0:08:36Poor men are like, "I'll fecking give it a go."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39"Are you pulling the stickers off that?"
0:08:39 > 0:08:44"No. I just cannae work that out.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47"Can I just have sex and a sausage, please?"
0:08:50 > 0:08:52I'm going to end on this. I am 50.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55I thought last year I was pregnant, terrifying,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57nobody wants to be pregnant at 50.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01I went to the chemist. I said to Ashley, "I think I'm pregnant."
0:09:01 > 0:09:04She said, "It's no' mine."
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Said, "You're a weird child, that's why I love you.
0:09:07 > 0:09:11And then I ran to the chemist and like every woman in this room,
0:09:11 > 0:09:16the minute you pay £25 for a pregnancy test, you're like, "I'd better be pregnant now!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Came home, peed on it, gave it to Ashley
0:09:20 > 0:09:23because she has to watch it because I have to have a fight with my man.
0:09:23 > 0:09:28I'm like, "You. Aye, you! This is your fault. Come here!" He's like, "It's no' my fault."
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Not only that, my husband has Asperger's
0:09:31 > 0:09:36I have sex with a man who shouts, "Is that written in a black pen!"
0:09:36 > 0:09:38So horny. Ooh!
0:09:41 > 0:09:46And then Ashley went, "Mum, it's got two lines on it. You're pregnant!"
0:09:46 > 0:09:47I went, "Oh!"
0:09:47 > 0:09:51My husband made the noise all men make at a positive pregnancy test.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54He went... (SUBDUED) .."Yay!"
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And then Ashley went, "Ha ha! I'm joking. I drew a line on it."
0:10:00 > 0:10:03My husband went, "Is that in a black pen?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:05Guys...
0:10:05 > 0:10:08APPLAUSE
0:10:08 > 0:10:12Thank you very much. I've been Janey, good night!
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Ladies and gentlemen, Janey Godley!
0:10:20 > 0:10:24We have another act for you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28And he is absolutely remarkable. I want you to raise the roof, literally raise the roof.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32It's the wonderful Mr Des Clarke.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36APPLAUSE
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Hello, everyone are we well?
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Yes, it's good to have some people here tonight.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Give me a cheer if you're Scottish.
0:10:46 > 0:10:47CHEERING
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I could tell by the rumble of drunkenness in the room. I knew that.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56I'm from Glasgow. It's nice being in Edinburgh. One "whoo". That's my mum, thank you.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59She didn't know I was her son, so that's surprising.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02I like being Scottish in Edinburgh when the festival is on.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04You see a lot of tourists.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08You get American tourists on the Royal Mile and I had two
0:11:08 > 0:11:13approach me - "Are you from..." I don't know why I gave this woman a stroke...
0:11:13 > 0:11:15"I can't feel my arm."
0:11:15 > 0:11:18"I smell toast." This woman's dead.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20"Are you from..."
0:11:20 > 0:11:24Thanks for the single applause, that was a doctor trying to find a vein.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29"Are you from Scotland?" "Yes, I'm from Scotland."
0:11:29 > 0:11:32She's deaf now as well. I said, "Yes, I'm from Glasgow."
0:11:32 > 0:11:37She said to me, "Is Glasgow the same as Edinburgh?" I was like, "What do you mean?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:40She said, "The tourists in Edinburgh, we go for a ghost walk at night.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43"Can you do that in Glasgow?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:48"Well, you can go for a walk at night in Glasgow. You'll end up the ghost! Be my guest, love."
0:11:48 > 0:11:51She never came through.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I like the fact the Olympics were on and Scotland embraced that.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55I thought that was good.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I think part of it was the fact we have some events in Scotland.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01We had the Olympic football at Hampden Park,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03still managed to mess that up but hey.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06If you're going to piss off certain countries,
0:12:06 > 0:12:09try not to make it North Korea, is that all right?
0:12:09 > 0:12:14We had the North Korean ladies football team walk out to the wrong flag.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17If you're going to get the wrong flag, make it Estonia, Belgium, have a laugh.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19Don't put South Korea up there.
0:12:19 > 0:12:26The guy in charge of the flags, "North Korea, South Korea? Nae career. I'm finished."
0:12:26 > 0:12:30The British Olympics suddenly became the Scottish Olympics. What a night. It was great(!)
0:12:32 > 0:12:35We loved it and they came out and I thought it was good,
0:12:35 > 0:12:40they tried to compare it to how it would be...like the Scotland team walking out to the England flag.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44No, we have a bit of banter but it's hardly the same thing.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47By comparison you're saying Scotland is some backward nation,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51a cold depressing place with a small leader that wants to take over the world,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54with access to nuclear weapons... It is quite similar, to be fair!
0:12:54 > 0:12:57APPLAUSE Now I think about it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Got a lot going on there.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03I love Scotland, I love the fact we are proud of who we are,
0:13:03 > 0:13:07and we watched the Olympic Opening Ceremony with pride and we loved it
0:13:07 > 0:13:10apart from one small group of people, the small group in Glasgow
0:13:10 > 0:13:15who have tasked with organising the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony
0:13:15 > 0:13:18in two years, watching how good that was, going, "Aw, shite.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22"Gonnae cancel the Krankies, it's not going to work.
0:13:22 > 0:13:26"Get the big guns. Have you got a number for Subo and Lorraine Kelly?"
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Yes, we have the Commonwealth Games,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31the next big sporting event in Britain.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35They're in Glasgow, we've no idea how we won the bid.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37I think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,
0:13:37 > 0:13:40saw us walking about in tracksuits and thought, "They must be sporty."
0:13:43 > 0:13:47"Give us your wallet!" There's 100 metres. "Thanks, mate." We love it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50We watched the last Commonwealth Games from Delhi in India.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"These are the most violent
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"and aggressive Commonwealth Games of all time."
0:13:55 > 0:13:58I was in Glasgow, "We'll see about that, big man.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"We've all got our own javelins. Get it up, you."
0:14:02 > 0:14:04I love the little stories that come out of this.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06There's a woman in Glasgow,
0:14:06 > 0:14:10they're trying to move her out to build the stuff for the Commonwealth Games.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14She did this reaction that I think certain women of a certain age have when they want to prove a point.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18They move their head side to side when they're angry. "Don't you talk to me.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20"I'm not moving oot. I don't care."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It's the opposite of guys trying to chat ladies up.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26They move their head forward like a pigeon. "Would you like to have sex?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:27"Don't talk to me."
0:14:27 > 0:14:31Between the two of them, you've got all the compass points covered.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33This little woman, "I am not moving house."
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Good on her, she's lived there all her life.
0:14:35 > 0:14:39They should be forced to build the whole Commonwealth Games around that wee woman.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43It would be brilliant. She should live in the sandpit for the long jump, I'd love that!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Every two minutes, "That was never eight metres, you wank!"
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I'd love that!
0:14:49 > 0:14:52Listen, I need to go, I need the toilet.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55But it's been lovely to speak to you people here tonight.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58You will notice, the visitors that come and visit this great country,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00that we are very lovable and friendly
0:15:00 > 0:15:03but we're accidentally aggressive to each other.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Don't mind that. We are aggressive to each other even in couples.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09I had an ex-girlfriend argue with me one night.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12She hated me. For half an hour, she went, "Your eyelashes..."
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Sorry - "Your eyelashes are too long! Right?"
0:15:14 > 0:15:16INDISTINCT
0:15:19 > 0:15:23She's right. The eyelashes are too long. There's nothing I can do about that.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"Your eyelashes are too long. That's no' fair, they don't belong on a guy."
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I'm like, "I say nothing about your moustache, what's the problem?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:35You've been amazing, Edinburgh! See you again soon. Thank you very much, good night.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39CHEERING
0:15:43 > 0:15:48Ladies and gentlemen, Des Clarke! Beautiful.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52Now, at the Edinburgh Fringe, sometimes things aren't particularly good.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55What you need at this point is something to cheer you up.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59You need a ray of sunshine, some happiness in your lives. And I've got that for you.
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02please welcome onto the stage
0:16:02 > 0:16:05essentially the epitome of everything that is joyous in life.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Please go wild and crazy
0:16:07 > 0:16:10for the wonderful Mr Damien Crow!
0:16:10 > 0:16:14CHEERING
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Hello. AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:16:24 > 0:16:29My name's Damien. Happy to be here.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31You might think this is an unusual concept -
0:16:31 > 0:16:35a Goth doing stand-up comedy.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38That's only because you believe all the negative stereotypes about my people.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43That we're miserable, depressed, unhappy. It's not true.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47We like to have a good time. Like to have a good laugh.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54Like to tell a good joke from time to time, you know? What's your name?
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Steve.- Steve. Stupid name, isn't it?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb, Steve?
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Don't know.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05None! Leave the lights off, leave me alone!
0:17:05 > 0:17:06SOBS
0:17:09 > 0:17:12We are misrepresented in the media, so that makes it hard.
0:17:12 > 0:17:17People think they understand me cos they've seen Newt in Hollyoaks. That's just not fair.
0:17:17 > 0:17:22I thought my gran might understand me because she is from an older generation, a bit less pretentious.
0:17:22 > 0:17:26But she doesn't get it. The last time I visited, she turned off all the lights in the house.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29I had to say, "I'm a Goth, a Goth, not a bloody moth. Jesus Christ!"
0:17:33 > 0:17:37They don't understand me or my sound that I'm trying to produce. Yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Not only is it the most aesthetically pleasing instrument a Goth can play, it is also a very powerful beast.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46When my dad first got me this, so I could play at family gatherings, I wanted to rebel.
0:17:46 > 0:17:51I didn't want to play the way he wanted it to be played. I thought, "I'll just play the black keys."
0:17:51 > 0:17:57But there's really not a lot you can do with just the black keys,
0:17:57 > 0:18:00other than the knuckle song. And it's not very good.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:10 > 0:18:14No, it's shit. Don't. It's not good enough.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17I thought, "I can't wallow in this self-pity. I need to step it up.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20"What can I do to make this cooler? I could start my own band.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"Yeah, Damien Crow and the Black Knight of Dark Black Darkness."
0:18:23 > 0:18:27And I could play music, but it's really hard to find sheet music for the music
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I want to play, Goth metal, heavy metal, thrash metal and punk metal, and metal metal,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33so I wasn't really getting any gigs.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I had to start playing music that I didn't necessarily want to play but it was the only thing I could do.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It doesn't really fit the image, but...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42HE PLAYS JOLLY TUNE
0:18:57 > 0:19:03I'm deadly serious, I'm available for weddings and ceilidhs and seances, if anyone's interested.
0:19:03 > 0:19:04But there you go.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06That's all from me, I got to go.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I really have two, my dad picks me up afterwards, so...
0:19:09 > 0:19:12OK. I've been Damien Crow, thank you very much.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14CHEERING
0:19:14 > 0:19:18Ladies and gentlemen, Damien Crow!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20Are you ready for another act?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:19:21 > 0:19:24Better than that! Are you ready for another act?!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25LOUD CHEERING
0:19:25 > 0:19:29Please raise the roof for the wonderful Nina Conti!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Hi.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Hello. This year, I did a silly thing
0:19:42 > 0:19:47and donated one of my favourite puppets to a museum in America.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51And I missed her. So I've had her duplicated and she's here tonight.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55It's my granny. Who is based on my own granny, who lived here in Edinburgh.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I'll just get her out of the bag.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Gran?- Yes, dear?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- You OK?- Oh, lovely, dear.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09- Fresh air!- Yes.- Hello, Edinburgh. - Let's get you out.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11What am I pointing at, dear?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Can't read it upside down.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19Never mind my eyes are painted on.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21All right, there you go. Comfortable?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- It's very hot in here tonight. - I know.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- She's sort of sweating inside my head.- I'm sorry.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Right, now, who have we got here? - What's your name, dear?- Louise.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39What do you do with your life, Louise? You work in a shop? That's lovely.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43Is it an exciting shop? A naughty shop?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Not a naughty shop?
0:20:45 > 0:20:49By the look of you and your leopardskin, I thought it might be a wee bit risque.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Not at all. Is that your husband?
0:20:51 > 0:20:55Do you know each other?
0:20:55 > 0:21:00- Unfortunately, you do.- You're together?- No.- Would you ever like to be?
0:21:01 > 0:21:06- Are you single, sir?- Er, yes. - You are?- And you are, too?
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Oh, this is boding well!
0:21:08 > 0:21:12I think you should use your comedy to bring people together.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- What do you do, dear? - I work in an insurance company.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19You work in an insurance company? OK, now let's get on with it.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22This is hopeless!
0:21:22 > 0:21:25It will make sense later.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27We know enough about these two.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32We don't have to go through the whole room. Look at them getting tense and hating it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37- Working out what profession they might say they do.- OK, Gran.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- You are going to sing? - I'd like to sing with you, dear.
0:21:39 > 0:21:44- Oh no, I can't sing. - Oh, come on, dear. A wee duet?
0:21:44 > 0:21:50- No, I can't sing with you.- Not simultaneously?- No, I'd struggle!
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- I'd struggle to sing simultaneously. - Well, this is an old favourite.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58It's from the war. I'd like you to hit the music, please.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- Do the best you can.- OK.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06# We'll meet again
0:22:06 > 0:22:11# Don't know where, don't know when
0:22:11 > 0:22:17# But I know we'll meet again, some sunny day... #
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Join in with me, dear!- I'll try.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25# ..Keep smiling through... # Join in!
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- TOGETHER:- # Just like you always do
0:22:30 > 0:22:38# Till the blue skies drive the dark clouds far away. #
0:22:38 > 0:22:42Well done, dear. You know how to prerecord yourself, anyway.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- Thank you very much. I'm going now.- That was my granny.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50What I would like to do now is try
0:22:50 > 0:22:52and bring people together with my comedy.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I wonder if you would join me on stage. What was your name? Louise.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Can we give it up for Louise, please?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Thank you very much. Here we go. I'm going to give you a little makeover.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05It will take the heat off. You don't have to worry about what you say.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11- All right. Are you comfortable? Face the front.- Oh, this is lovely!
0:23:13 > 0:23:20- This is exciting!- OK.- I'm glad I sat in the front row!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23- Yeah. - You're glad you sat in the front row?
0:23:23 > 0:23:26And I felt comfortable enough to take my shoes off.
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- So you came with this guy? - Yeah, isn't he lovely?
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Yes, but you're not together? - Not yet, anyway.- Really?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42- You'd like to be? - I'd love to be!- Are you sure?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- It seemed like there was a bit of tension.- Just sexual tension.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48- Are you sure?- I think he's lovely.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Really?- I love his sweaty head.
0:23:51 > 0:23:52Do you?
0:23:54 > 0:23:59- He is so butch.- OK.- Yes, I'd like to run my hand over his sweaty head.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- OK. Well, before you get carried away...- I feel liberated!
0:24:03 > 0:24:04I can say anything!
0:24:09 > 0:24:14- It IS a sex shop I work in. - Is it? That's a surprise.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16I thought Granny was being facetious.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- No, she hit the nail on the head. - Anyway, this friend of yours, you kind of like him?
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Yes, can you get him up here? - Are you sure? - Yeah, get him up here now,
0:24:24 > 0:24:26I'll tell him how I really feel.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Are you sure?- Yes.
0:24:28 > 0:24:35- Can you come on up?- Come on up! - Thank you very much. - Ooh, here he comes!
0:24:35 > 0:24:39Oh, God! Look how tall he is!
0:24:39 > 0:24:45OK, I was wondering, can I give you the same treatment? Thank you very much.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48And I am just going to put this on you.
0:24:48 > 0:24:53Oh God, your eyes have completely disappeared.
0:24:53 > 0:24:59- All right. How are you? - I'm loving this! She's gone away.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Come back here, now! We're going to have it all out tonight.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10I've gone all funny!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- You all right? - Yeah, the drugs are kicking in!
0:25:17 > 0:25:20I knew they would, round about now.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- Do you want to walk forward a little bit?- All the way to the altar!
0:25:27 > 0:25:34- Are you sure?- Hasn't she got sexy feet?- Yes, she's got lovely feet.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39- Thank you. I'll put them on your head later.- This is going wrong.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44- This is disgusting. - So you're not together?- Not yet, no.
0:25:44 > 0:25:49- I'm planning something later. - Really?- Oh, what is it?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- Marriage proposal? - Yes, indeed.- Is it really?
0:25:52 > 0:25:56- Are you sure?- Yes, I think that's what he's planning.- It is.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00- She read my mind.- I don't want you to be under any pressure.
0:26:00 > 0:26:05- No pressure felt. This has been building up.- You're not even dating! - No!
0:26:05 > 0:26:09I just said that because I'm not really with him.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- What do you mean?- I'm married to someone else. I shouldn't be here tonight.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I'm laughing through the truth.
0:26:18 > 0:26:24- I don't want to hurry things... - Yeah, but let's see if she'll kiss me.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Really? You want a kiss? - Yes, can't wait.- Are you sure?
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Yeah, let's just clap our faces together.
0:26:31 > 0:26:35- And let the magic continue from there.- All right,
0:26:35 > 0:26:41- I think this is about the end of the time I have on set...- Let's just get on with it then, shall we?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- You feeling all right? - Yeah, I'm very excited.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46You can sit down any time.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49- I'm not sitting down, not till I've had my kiss!- Here, I'm ready!
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- I'm ready.- Here I come.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I love insurance!
0:26:57 > 0:27:02- Come on, let's kiss.- Oh, please do, I'll never get offstage!- Thank you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04You're gorgeous.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Wow, well done, guys. You were awesome. Thank you so much.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12Give a huge round of applause.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23Ladies and gentlemen, the extraordinary Nina Conti!
0:27:25 > 0:27:27That's all we've got time for tonight.
0:27:27 > 0:27:31I'm Susan Calman and you have been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd