0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains adult humour and strong language.
0:00:16 > 0:00:17Hello, this is Comedy At The Fringe,
0:00:17 > 0:00:21with some of the funniest acts from this year's Fringe Festival!
0:00:21 > 0:00:23AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD
0:00:23 > 0:00:26I'm having fun. I really am enjoying
0:00:26 > 0:00:28the Festival hugely this year.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I haven't had a lot of food, but it's fine.
0:00:31 > 0:00:33I'm living on my own here.
0:00:33 > 0:00:38I love food. One of my favourite hobbies in the world is eating.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I try and eat as many Ferrero Rochers as I can in a minute.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45You know that world record you shouldn't beat yourself?
0:00:45 > 0:00:46I just do it myself.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50Sit in my pants, watching Loose Women, eating Ferrero Rochers.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I've got a law degree. Who cares?
0:00:52 > 0:00:57But one thing that confuses me, right? It confuses me.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Gentlemen, you may not know this.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03I read a survey recently, and it was shocking. Shocking!
0:01:03 > 0:01:08It said that eight out of ten women - EIGHT out of ten women -
0:01:08 > 0:01:10have hidden food
0:01:10 > 0:01:13from themselves!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Never in my life have I sat on a Saturday night
0:01:19 > 0:01:20with a tube of Jaffa Cakes
0:01:20 > 0:01:24and thought, "I'd better hide them."
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Then half an hour later thought,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29"Where are the Jaffa Cakes? They're in the washing machine!"
0:01:29 > 0:01:34Women never forget anything. That's the point of a woman!
0:01:34 > 0:01:38But it is strange. There were two women in a gig recently,
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I said, "Have you ever hidden food from yourselves?"
0:01:40 > 0:01:45They said, "Oh, no. We're flatmates. We hide food from each other."
0:01:45 > 0:01:48I said, "What a cracking Saturday night you two must have."
0:01:48 > 0:01:53"Take the chocolate cake, Morag." "I'm away, Shona, I'm away!"
0:01:53 > 0:01:57It must be lovely, Monday morning, you open your pants drawer
0:01:57 > 0:02:00and there's just a cake there.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05About a month and a half ago... You may not be interested, but anyway,
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- month and a half ago, I got married! - AUDIENCE CHEER
0:02:08 > 0:02:14Thanks very much. I didn't really get married,
0:02:14 > 0:02:15being as I am a gay.
0:02:15 > 0:02:20I got civil-partnered, that's the term. It's a term I don't like.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24It's quite aggressive. It sounds like an assault at a taxi rank.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29"What d'you do Friday?" "Had a kebab, got civil-partnered."
0:02:29 > 0:02:33There was only one condition when I got civil-partnered.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Ching, ching, check out the bling, I'm a Kardashian...
0:02:37 > 0:02:41Don't know what that is. I saw it on Twitter.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It was a diamond ring. I wanted a diamond ring.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46My wife said, "Why a diamond ring?
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"You're not materialistic. You're not into that."
0:02:49 > 0:02:54I said, "I'll tell you why I want a diamond ring. Hart To Hart."
0:02:54 > 0:02:58If you don't know Hart To Hart... Does anyone remember it?
0:02:58 > 0:03:02In the old days when we had three channels, it was that or Quincy.
0:03:02 > 0:03:07Hart To Hart was amazing. Jonathan and Jennifer Hart were millionaires.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09When they met, it was murder!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13They had a wee dog called Freeway and a butler called Max.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17And in this episode, that has stayed with me for 30 years -
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I watched it when I was eight years old and it stayed with me -
0:03:21 > 0:03:23in this episode of Hart To Hart,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Jennifer Hart was trapped in a giant glass box
0:03:27 > 0:03:31that was slowly filling with poison gas. Why?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33It's irrelevant.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Luckily, that very morning,
0:03:36 > 0:03:40Jonathan, her husband, gave her a giant diamond ring,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44and she cut her way out of the glass box.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48Now, I'm a worrier.
0:03:48 > 0:03:53And I have always been concerned that that might happen to me.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's not top of the list of what might happen in Glasgow,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58but you never know.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02Some of you here are thinking that's impossible. Wrong. Improbable.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And those of you thinking,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06"That's out of order, Susan, you go too far,"
0:04:06 > 0:04:08you'd better hope
0:04:08 > 0:04:13that if you're ever trapped in a glass box filling with poison gas,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15that I'm there.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You'll be like, "We're going to die!"
0:04:17 > 0:04:20I'll be like, "Calm down. Jesus Christ!
0:04:20 > 0:04:22"Off we pop. Come on, everybody!"
0:04:24 > 0:04:27We have an amazing show for you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Will you please give it up for Daniel Sloss!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32AUDIENCE CHEER & APPLAUD
0:04:35 > 0:04:40Seriously building this up so much more - it's going to be shit.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42Let me tell you about my year. Got a haircut.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43CROWD WHOOPS
0:04:43 > 0:04:47It's... Yeah. It's not that good, but thanks.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49I got my haircut for several reasons.
0:04:49 > 0:04:54First, I genuinely thought it would make me look older. THAT backfired.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I'd had this hair since I was 15, then Justin Bieber turned up
0:04:58 > 0:05:01and everybody said, "You look like Justin Bieber,"
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and I was like, "Well, I don't want that, cos I'm straight,"
0:05:04 > 0:05:06so I got it cut to this length
0:05:06 > 0:05:11and then found out Justin Bieber has also just had his hair cut.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15So next year, I'm going to fuckin' kill myself,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17and...
0:05:17 > 0:05:19You're welcome, society!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22AUDIENCE CHEERS AND WHOOPS
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Make my birthday a national holiday.
0:05:24 > 0:05:29Don't. It's September 11th. Er...
0:05:29 > 0:05:33Possibly shouldn't celebrate that just yet. Erm... Yep.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37That's my genuine birthday. That's the standard reaction.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40"When's your birthday?"
0:05:40 > 0:05:42"September 11th." HE GASPS
0:05:42 > 0:05:43I didn't do it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:49Jeez! It's not like my uncle said, "What d'you want for your birthday?,"
0:05:49 > 0:05:53and I went, "Oh, surprise me."
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Oh, he's got a crazy sense of humour, that Uncle Osama. No!
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Sitting there, watching the news, going, "Fuck!
0:06:04 > 0:06:07"A card would've done." Er...
0:06:09 > 0:06:13I moved out this year. That's a big step. It was very weird.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17It's hard on parents when a child moves out. One parent.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20One cares, the other one doesn't really give a crap.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24See if you can work out which of my parents was more upset.
0:06:24 > 0:06:28You've obviously got two choices, despite the fact I am from Fife.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30CROWD CHEERS
0:06:32 > 0:06:35You've got my loving, caring, friendly mum, or...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37or my stepdad.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41Now, I'll give you another clue. He's not actually my stepdad.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I just call him that to piss him off.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50"Call me Dad." "Shut up, Martin!"
0:06:51 > 0:06:56I am a proper Mummy's boy. I really am. I love my mum. She's amazing.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00She's had four kids, and she loves us all the same,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03but after the first two, she kind of stopped caring.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08She'll always say she was blessed with me and gifted with my sister,
0:07:08 > 0:07:10then she had my brother,
0:07:10 > 0:07:14and she'll always remember the day she was diagnosed with the other one.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19We were all intentional, though, which is good,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23cos my mum's got a very healthy outlook to contraception.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Her sister is Auntie Abortion, which is a cruel nickname,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29but she's had, like, five.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31SOME APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:37That was a tester joke.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Some of you passed.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Some of you should have been aborted.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I am a Mummy's boy. I do like my dad, though. He's great.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50He raised me an atheist, that's one of his big things.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53I'm not a hardcore atheist. I don't hate religious people.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56If you are religious, beautiful, fantastic, I wish I had that faith.
0:07:56 > 0:08:02I wish I could have that belief system, but I went to school, so...
0:08:02 > 0:08:06I'm genuinely not against religion. I've got an uncle who's a minister.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10He's 5' 2", so we call him a Mini-ster.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13He hates it, but what's he going to do about it, eh?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16"Oooh!"
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"Go talk to your imaginary friend, eh?"
0:08:20 > 0:08:22The thing that's quite annoying,
0:08:22 > 0:08:26he does that thing that a lot of religious people do,
0:08:26 > 0:08:28and he quotes the Bible at me.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31"Daniel, you will know the truth
0:08:31 > 0:08:34"and the truth will set you free - John 8:32."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38Can I do that? Can I randomly quote stuff at people?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40"To know what a man is truly like,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44"look at how he treats his inferiors, and not his equals -
0:08:44 > 0:08:46"Harry Potter, The Goblet Of Fire!"
0:08:46 > 0:08:50Exact same thing. Good quote, made-up source.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54Harry Potter fans are slightly less annoying than fans of the Bible,
0:08:54 > 0:08:57cos they've definitely started less wars.
0:08:57 > 0:09:01Not as annoying as fans of Twilight, though.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05I hate Twilight. Allow me to summarise all four films for you.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"JACOB!" "What?" PFF! Done.
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Very quickly,
0:09:09 > 0:09:15you've got three main characters - Jacob, who's a weird werewolf guy,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18you've got Robert Pattinson, who plays a vampire...
0:09:18 > 0:09:20If you don't know Robert Pattinson,
0:09:20 > 0:09:24he's got the emotional range of Keanu Reeves after a stroke.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28..and then you've got Bella Swan,
0:09:28 > 0:09:32the most miserable woman that ever existed in fact or fiction.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35It's like she's always on her period, which I imagine he fucking loves.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44That'll do. AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:09:44 > 0:09:48Please clap and cheer and welcome to the stage
0:09:48 > 0:09:51the wonderful Mr Iain Stirling!
0:09:51 > 0:09:53AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Yes, Edinburgh, how are we?
0:09:59 > 0:10:01AUDIENCE CHEER
0:10:01 > 0:10:05We are on-the-red-button men. We are living the dream.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07It's good, the red button.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11I'm quite young, but old enough to remember certain things.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15I'm old enough to remember when television was good.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18Do you remember when MasterChef was good? Remember that?
0:10:18 > 0:10:22Loyd Grossman, three kitchens, no messing about. It was amazing.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27Now, MasterChef is the most needlessly dramatic programme
0:10:27 > 0:10:28in the entire world.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32All MasterChef is now is cooking to a time limit.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37Do you know what else is cooking to a time limit? Cooking. Right?
0:10:37 > 0:10:40The start of MasterChef these days is this...
0:10:40 > 0:10:45IN DEEP VOICE: This is as tough as cooking gets.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I'm like, no, it's not.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Clearly, you've never got home at 4:00 in the morning,
0:10:52 > 0:10:55pissed out of your mind, and thought,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58"I am making a quiche. I am..."
0:10:59 > 0:11:04And then woke up four hours later in the oven. That is tough.
0:11:04 > 0:11:09Drunken MasterChef would be the greatest programme of all time.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Just going... "Oh, the Blue Kitchen is making a carbonara."
0:11:12 > 0:11:16The guy's knackered. He's like, "Aye, erm...
0:11:16 > 0:11:18"I'm cooking the bacon. Erm...
0:11:20 > 0:11:22"..in a wok,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24"in a microwave,
0:11:24 > 0:11:26"from my bath."
0:11:27 > 0:11:31"The Red Kitchen, you appear to be seasoning your dish."
0:11:31 > 0:11:34She's like, "Yeah, erm, I thought it was pepper,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38"it's actually chocolate sprinkles, so I'm, erm..."
0:11:38 > 0:11:41The voiceover lady would have her work cut out,
0:11:41 > 0:11:44she'd have no idea what's going on.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47"Mmm. It appears Kimberley has skipped her dessert
0:11:47 > 0:11:50"and instead put a traffic cone on the fridge."
0:11:53 > 0:11:56By the end, there's no cooking going on.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58The guy in the Blue Kitchen is knackered,
0:11:58 > 0:12:02he's just like, "So I'm cooking... Oh, God.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07"I shouldn't have done that Jager, missus.
0:12:07 > 0:12:13"I said to them, I can do sambuca but I can't do Jager.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15"It's too thick. It's too thick!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20"I was cooking the bacon,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25"and then instead, I just done a poo in the wok."
0:12:27 > 0:12:31Television's weird, though. Whole areas of the country can be ruined.
0:12:31 > 0:12:36I live in Manchester. Beside it is Chester, lovely part of the country.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40Chester's been ruined by a Channel 4 show called Hollyoaks.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Do we know Hollyoaks?
0:12:41 > 0:12:46Horribly vacuous show, teaches kids who have no talent to go on TV.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49For those who don't know Hollyoaks,
0:12:49 > 0:12:54it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00Four people clapping. The rest of you are wrong.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Honestly, it's a ridiculous show.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I was watching the Sunday omnibus of the Hollyoaks show...
0:13:06 > 0:13:10The only reason to watch the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks is
0:13:10 > 0:13:12if you are a 14-year-old boy
0:13:12 > 0:13:15that doesn't have an internet connection.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"I was wanking, right, but..."
0:13:17 > 0:13:20"I was furious, like..." HE GRUNTS
0:13:20 > 0:13:23There's no narrative structure. Come on!
0:13:25 > 0:13:29It's ambitious.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32They try and deal with the big issues in Hollyoaks.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36In the credits, a little guy comes up going,
0:13:36 > 0:13:38"If you are experiencing
0:13:38 > 0:13:40"any of the issues
0:13:40 > 0:13:44"experienced by the people in Hollyoaks,
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"call this number."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49So, I'm dead immature. I just went, "Hello!
0:13:49 > 0:13:51"I can't act. Erm...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53"Hello?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Hello?"
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I mean, I'm quite immature,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03but I think being immature is an important thing to have in life.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07I went to quite a rough working-class school,
0:14:07 > 0:14:11where the boys got in trouble and the girls got, like, pregnant.
0:14:11 > 0:14:16As we all know in this room, teenage pregnancy isn't funny.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18AUDIENCE LAUGH
0:14:18 > 0:14:22However, this is one of the funniest things in sex education.
0:14:22 > 0:14:26I once witnessed my Sexual Education teacher, Mr Walker,
0:14:26 > 0:14:32teach a heavily-pregnant 14-year-old girl how to put a condom
0:14:32 > 0:14:34on a banana.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37We were, like, "Mate, that ship has sailed."
0:14:37 > 0:14:41She's never seen a condom in her life, right?
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I mean, she's from Scotland, she's never seen a banana.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49But, erm... She's like that, she hasn't got a clue what's going on.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53Awkward tension falls over the class about this.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58But not me. A clown, a joker, if you will, emerges from the ashes
0:14:58 > 0:15:02and breaks the silence, goes, "Sir, you shouldnae be teaching her
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"how to put a condom on a banana -
0:15:04 > 0:15:07"you should be teaching her how to pull the banana out
0:15:07 > 0:15:08"and make it come on her tits!"
0:15:16 > 0:15:20Some of you are going, "That's dead funny, well done."
0:15:20 > 0:15:24Some of you are going, "He's not going to finish on that, is he?"
0:15:24 > 0:15:29To which I say, I've been Iain Stirling, goodnight, God bless.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31AUDIENCE WHOOP AND CHEER
0:15:33 > 0:15:37Ladies and gentlemen, Iain Stirling!
0:15:38 > 0:15:42Now, please give him a beautiful, beautiful welcome.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45He is one of the best acts we have in the United Kingdom.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for the wonderful Mr Mark Nelson!
0:15:50 > 0:15:52AUDIENCE CHEER AND APPLAUD
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Ah. Hello! AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03How are you?
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Give me a cheer, Scottish people. CROWD WHOOPS
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Cheer if you're not from Scotland. SMALLER CROWD CHEERS
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Are you enjoying it? It's good. It's good.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Got a lot to be proud of in this country.
0:16:15 > 0:16:19We've got the most violent teenagers in Europe.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22We also have the most obese teenagers in Europe. So...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25whenever I get chased by a gang,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I like to make sure I take them past a Greggs.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34I don't come from one of the big cities like Glasgow or Edinburgh.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38I was born in the south of Scotland, in a place called Dumfries.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42CROWD WHOOPS Dumfries Massive in the house.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46I was born there. I was born as the result of an accident.
0:16:47 > 0:16:52My dad fell off his shed and my mum fucked his chiropractor.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56So...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01That's my deal.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03If you're visiting here,
0:17:03 > 0:17:07the weather's not always like this. This is too hot.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I don't know if you remember our heat wave?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13We had a five-day heat wave in March.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15That was a lot, a lot.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Three days is fine, three days is more of a curiosity.
0:17:19 > 0:17:24People looking out the window going, "There's that thing back again.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27"Wonder how it works this year."
0:17:27 > 0:17:30Five days, people are losing their minds.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35Guys constructing a Wicker Man in their back gardens.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Burning a goat, trying to appease the yellow monster in the sky.
0:17:41 > 0:17:45What you won't know if you're visiting is that
0:17:45 > 0:17:50our five-day heat wave decimated our ginger population.
0:17:55 > 0:17:56So, this...
0:17:56 > 0:18:01In this country, we used to be 98% ginger people.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04We have two left.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08That's them, up there.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11But what... What we're going to do is,
0:18:11 > 0:18:15we're going to send them to a zoo in China...
0:18:19 > 0:18:22..going to try and get them to mate.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Ginger people don't mate naturally.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Even they are disgusted by their own appearance.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Obviously, you're enjoying the Fringe.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Not the only big thing happening in Britain this month.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44In the news, start of August, I saw people running around London
0:18:44 > 0:18:46in tracksuits with flaming torches,
0:18:46 > 0:18:50I thought, "Fuck, it's just like last summer!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:57- Did you enjoy the Olympics? AUDIENCE:- Yeah!
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I was quite cynical before it. But I really loved it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04They don't really make the Olympics accessible with people.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06They allowed Dwain Chambers in.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10But they said, "You're not allowed to take drugs."
0:19:10 > 0:19:14That's taking the fun away a bit, isn't it? Let the boy take drugs.
0:19:14 > 0:19:19In fact, just get normal people in and pump them full of drugs.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23No-one really wants to see an athlete who's dedicated their life
0:19:23 > 0:19:25doing really well at something.
0:19:25 > 0:19:31You want to see some big fat bastard run the 100 metres in three seconds.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36I don't want to see someone throw a javelin,
0:19:36 > 0:19:40I want to see someone CATCH a fucking javelin.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46I'm going to go in a minute. I'm driving home.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Can you drive? Big man in the front row, can you drive?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- How long have you been driving, sir? - 20 years.
0:19:51 > 0:19:5720 years? Good man. I've just passed my test. I'm 31.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Quite sad. Yeah. Thank you.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Quite glad I've left it this long to learn to drive.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07See, when you can drive, you become a dick.
0:20:07 > 0:20:12I never knew I was capable of the level of anger I'm now capable of.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16I honestly think you could burst into my house, burn it down,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19kill every single member of my family,
0:20:19 > 0:20:22destroy everything I love and cherish
0:20:22 > 0:20:24and I still wouldn't be half as angry at you
0:20:24 > 0:20:28as the fact that you went through a gap and didn't give me a wee wave.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Are you an angry driver? Do you get the road rage? Yeah?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39My wife was always getting the road rage.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44Somebody would do something to her, a car, and she chased them.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49I'd look at her and go, "What are you doing?" "We're going to chase 'em."
0:20:49 > 0:20:53Then she'd go up the side of them, doing that.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56"What now?" "I want to stop and get out."
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"No, you don't! Who do you think he's going to hit?"
0:21:00 > 0:21:03The guy'll get out of his car, raging,
0:21:03 > 0:21:05"I'm going to smack you one, mate."
0:21:05 > 0:21:09"Well, I'll stop you there, sir. It was actually my wife driving.
0:21:09 > 0:21:14"Feel free to get her, though, she was driving like a maniac."
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I get angry now. I get angry if you don't get angry.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21If you don't get road rage, I'll get raging at you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24I was in the car with my dad. He's a very calm driver.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28We were on a motorway and a guy cut him up and I said, "After him, Dad.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"I'll give him the finger through the window."
0:21:31 > 0:21:36My dad said one of the funniest things I've ever heard in my life.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39He said, "Look, if there's any fingering to be done in this car,
0:21:39 > 0:21:40"it'll be done by me."
0:21:44 > 0:21:48"Aye, just let me off at the next lay-by, Dad."
0:21:48 > 0:21:53Ladies and gentlemen, it's been lovely talking to you.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Enjoy the rest of your night. Thank you so, so much! Goodnight.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01- AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER - Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Nelson!
0:22:01 > 0:22:05Brilliant. Ladies and gentlemen, raise the roof for your next act.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07It's Stephen Carlin!
0:22:09 > 0:22:11AUDIENCE APPLAUD AND CHEER
0:22:15 > 0:22:18Woo. Thank you very much, folks.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Good morning.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22CROWD WHOOPS
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Yes, I'm Stephen Carlin.
0:22:24 > 0:22:30As you can see, I'm currently going for the whole Peter Sutcliffe,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Yorkshire Ripper look.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36A few of you enjoying that a bit too much.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40Yeah. I'm not him, OK? Just a comparison.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I've never killed any prostitutes...
0:22:43 > 0:22:45WOMEN CHEER
0:22:46 > 0:22:48..in the Yorkshire area.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Although, I do have a worse confession, and that is
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I don't drink alcohol anymore.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57CROWD BOOS
0:22:57 > 0:23:02Exactly. It's the wrong thing to say to a late-night Scottish audience.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Can you imagine how hard it is being Scottish
0:23:05 > 0:23:10and having to come out to your parents as a non-drinker?
0:23:10 > 0:23:15Yeah, I had to sit them down, break the news to them gently,
0:23:15 > 0:23:17get them a little bit pissed.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20My dad was trying to talk me out of it, saying,
0:23:20 > 0:23:25"Stephen, you've just not met the right drink yet."
0:23:25 > 0:23:29I used to drink. I drank for ages, I was really good at it.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32I don't want to say quit. I hate that.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36Quit sounds like those Americans who think they're alcoholic
0:23:36 > 0:23:40because they drink one bottle of wine a day.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44A bottle of wine a day? That is not an alcoholic.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48That is the mark of a gentleman.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51Or a schoolteacher.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53CROWD WHOOPS
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Quit sounds like I stormed out of alcohol in a huff,
0:23:58 > 0:24:00like I wasn't getting on with it,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03when I was getting on with it extremely well, thank you.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06I retired from drinking.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11I'm 36. I did a good 20 years in the business, man and boy,
0:24:11 > 0:24:14before walking away at the top of my game.
0:24:14 > 0:24:19Basically, one night, I was lying face-down in a pool of my own vomit,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I thought, "Do you know what? I've nailed this now.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"There's nowhere to go from here."
0:24:28 > 0:24:32I've had all the different kinds of hangovers, I had it all down.
0:24:32 > 0:24:37I nailed crossing the street by the most diagonal route possible,
0:24:37 > 0:24:43telling people they were great when I hated them, just cos I was drunk,
0:24:43 > 0:24:48I nailed getting home and forgetting how I'd got home.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50CROWD CHEERS I used to love that,
0:24:50 > 0:24:52get home and forget how you got home.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57That was the closest my life ever came to genuine magic.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You wake up, you don't know where you are,
0:25:01 > 0:25:04and you realise you're in your own room.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You're like, "Yes! I've done it again.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"100% record this week."
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Nailed standing at a bar at three in the morning with a total stranger,
0:25:16 > 0:25:21discussing how tomorrow we would set up a company together.
0:25:21 > 0:25:26But in Scotland, we don't need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:25:28 > 0:25:31We don't need alcohol for a good time.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34No. We need heroin to have a good time.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40Just a little bit. Just enough to be sociable.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Get you through those family occasions. Weddings and christenings.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49It gets a bad press, and yet it's doing such a great job in Scotland.
0:25:49 > 0:25:54Heroin's now the only thing standing between this country
0:25:54 > 0:25:58and a complete tidal wave of obesity.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01So, I don't drink alcohol. Um...
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I drink beer.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Beer doesn't count as alcohol!
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Beer's not proper alcohol.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13A bottle of beer is, like, 5% alcohol.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17That means 95% is not alcohol.
0:26:17 > 0:26:225%. That's nothing. I'm probably 5% gay.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27I wouldn't even hug another man.
0:26:27 > 0:26:31Adolf Hitler? 5% ambivalent about the Jews.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39Hey. Listen. According to the internet, so obviously it's true,
0:26:39 > 0:26:43bananas have got 10% of the DNA of humans.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47So that means everybody here tonight, everybody watching this,
0:26:47 > 0:26:52you're all more a banana than a bottle of beer is alcohol.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54That is science fact.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59So remember, the next time the police pull you over for drink-driving
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and they say, "Sir, madam, have you been drinking alcohol?,"
0:27:03 > 0:27:08you can say, "Well, officer, no more than that you are a piece of fruit."
0:27:08 > 0:27:10And they'll love that, too.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Ladies and gentlemen, that's all from me.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17I'm Stephen Carlin, thank you very much.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS - Edinburgh, you've been amazing.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25I've been Susan Calman. Goodnight!
0:27:42 > 0:27:46Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd