0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16CHEERING
0:00:21 > 0:00:25Hello and welcome to Comedy At The Fringe!
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33I'm Andrew Maxwell. Are you ready for some comedy?
0:00:35 > 0:00:39Well, ladies and gentlemen, you have come to the right place, people.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Now before I even attempt to begin this show,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47I want to say to you, Scottish people, I love your country!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49- CHEERING - Yes!
0:00:49 > 0:00:53I don't care whether it sounds like crowd-pleasing, I love Scotland!
0:00:53 > 0:00:55I love this country.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Scotland makes me feel tall and classy.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- I'll take that as a compliment!
0:01:03 > 0:01:06What's that?
0:01:06 > 0:01:08You'll take that as a compliment?
0:01:08 > 0:01:10It was a compliment. But with a twist.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Known as a punchline.
0:01:19 > 0:01:22Who here is from the furthest away from here?
0:01:23 > 0:01:26People putting hands up.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Where are you from?
0:01:27 > 0:01:28Australia!
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- MIMICS ACCENT:- "Australia!"
0:01:31 > 0:01:35Welcome, my deeply educated friend.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Welcome, Australian.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Yeah? We like you.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41You're nice people.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Yeah? Simple. But sweet.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47But we also have a couple of bones to pick with you. Yeah?
0:01:47 > 0:01:52And I'm going to air those situations right now, Australian.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- It's called a flip-flop! - LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Right, people?
0:01:57 > 0:01:59APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's not called a THONG!
0:02:04 > 0:02:07It's an onomatopoeic word. Yeah?
0:02:07 > 0:02:10Flip, flop, flip, flop, flip, flop.
0:02:10 > 0:02:15It doesn't go THONG...THONG... THONG...THONG...
0:02:15 > 0:02:19# Thong, thong-thong, thong thong...#
0:02:19 > 0:02:21No.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25We reserve that word for a far more scanty, sexy garment.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Welcome, Aussie. Anybody else from anywhere else?
0:02:29 > 0:02:30INDISTINCT CALLS
0:02:30 > 0:02:33There's a man putting his hand up at the back.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I feel like Kilroy-Silk. Yes, sir!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- MAN SHOUTS - Where?
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- Syria!- "Syria!"
0:02:39 > 0:02:43You - a drunken, ginger, Scottish man...
0:02:43 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:50..are for some God-knows-what reason...
0:02:50 > 0:02:54live on television, claiming...
0:02:54 > 0:02:56that you're a Syrian.
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh, why not?
0:03:01 > 0:03:05That's full of sun-burned sectarian people too.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08This is...
0:03:08 > 0:03:12This is by far rowdiest thing
0:03:12 > 0:03:14that anybody's tried to record and broadcast.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Whooo!
0:03:17 > 0:03:20And then she ruined it with "Whooo!"
0:03:20 > 0:03:24There's a Ribena jumping in the air.
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Whooo!
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- LADY-LIKE:- "I'm quite rowdy.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31"If I've had too much lactose through the day."
0:03:33 > 0:03:34AUDIENCE MEMBER HECKLES
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- What's that?- Haggis, dude.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Haggis dude?- Yeah.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Is that a new superhero?
0:03:41 > 0:03:43# Haggis Dude!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46# Nobody knows what's inside him!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# Only tourists eat him!
0:03:50 > 0:03:53# It's Haggis Dude! #
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- WHOOPS - Oh, somebody knows Haggis Dude.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58CHEERING
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Mild-mannered Callum McGlinchie.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04By day, works in a Vodafone shop.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10By night, he transforms into a big horrible bag of horrible shite
0:04:10 > 0:04:12that failed to make it into sausages.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"You're lookin' at Haggis Dude!"
0:04:21 > 0:04:23"What are your super-powers?"
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"Ruinin' New Years."
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Has anybody here attempted actually to eat haggis?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33CHEERING
0:04:35 > 0:04:37Scottish people. Yeah, look at them!
0:04:37 > 0:04:40He actually raised his pint! "Yurrrgh!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43"Who wouldn't actually try and eat that bladder...
0:04:45 > 0:04:46"..filled with...
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"..the anuses of chickens...
0:04:50 > 0:04:53"and the tears of pigs?
0:04:53 > 0:04:58"No, that's the combination that makes it so tasty.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01"Mmm..! That pig died a tragic death.
0:05:01 > 0:05:03"Murrh!
0:05:03 > 0:05:04- "Beauty." - MAN CALLS OUT
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- What's that, fella? - It tastes like the rainbow.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It tastes like a rainbow?
0:05:12 > 0:05:14< Like Skittles!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Yes, my friend over here who has heckled you,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21and I don't know if that's ever happened in your life before...
0:05:21 > 0:05:25That's what we've descended into, people. Hecklers heckling hecklers.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28That's right.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33My honourable friend from the other side of the parliament...
0:05:33 > 0:05:36has pointed out that's in fact a Skittles logo, my friend.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39It's haggis. >
0:05:39 > 0:05:42No, not haggis. Haggis doesn't have a logo.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46Eh? It just sits in the window
0:05:46 > 0:05:50until some rather drunken Canadian gives it a go.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"Hey, I think I can eat that.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56"That looks like a moose's cock that's been blown up, eh?"
0:05:59 > 0:06:02Any of the Scottish people ever been to Canada?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03CHEERING
0:06:03 > 0:06:05If you haven't been there, you should go.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Canadians are essentially hydroponically grown Scotsmen.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13So that's it.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15We've got an Australian, a Syrian...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Where are you from in Syria?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21Damascus.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23He actually pointed to it!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26"Damascus!
0:06:26 > 0:06:28"Over that way!
0:06:28 > 0:06:31"I'm from the East Side of Damascus, we're largely Hibs fans."
0:06:34 > 0:06:39Good! Now, I have to ask, are you ready for your first act?
0:06:39 > 0:06:41CHEERING
0:06:41 > 0:06:43Let's do this thing, ladies and gentlemen.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Whether you're Australian, whether you're possibly Syrian,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51will you please give it up for Jimeoin?!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54CHEERING
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06How are you all, good? Good?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08As if I care. No, I do.
0:07:08 > 0:07:14Erm. I have a strong accent, I'm sorry about this...
0:07:14 > 0:07:18Bit shy at the start and I tend to mumble quite a bit too,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- so good luck... - BEGINS TO RAMBLE INCOHERENTLY
0:07:22 > 0:07:24..so I did.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I am a bit shy at the start.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32It takes me a bit of time just to get going, you know?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35You know when you go and see a band and you want to cut loose,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38you want to really enjoy yourself but you're aware of yourself
0:07:38 > 0:07:40and all you can do is this?
0:07:43 > 0:07:47And you're talking to yourself. "Come on, let go, you can do this."
0:07:50 > 0:07:55There's that girl that starts dancing before everybody else, but she can't dance. She's doing...
0:08:00 > 0:08:04She stuffed the band up, they can't play in time any more. They're...
0:08:12 > 0:08:13Hmmm...
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Good to be alive, isn't it?
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Tedious, though.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Gets to a point where it's just the same shit over and over again.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Certain jobs in life remind you of that.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Putting the bins out, that's very much one of those jobs.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34Standing in the street going, "I hate this.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"Putting the bins out."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins,
0:08:39 > 0:08:41I enjoy that.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Bit of fun to be had there.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I hate it when I'm in bed and then I realise I haven't put the bins out.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"Fuck, bin night!" Back out of bed, clothes back on.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Or bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep
0:08:58 > 0:09:02and you can hear the bin truck and you haven't put the bins out.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05HE GASPS
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Running down the street naked with two bins behind you.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16That's no way to start the day, is it?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19The job I hate the most in life, you know when you go to bed at night
0:09:19 > 0:09:23and you open the bedroom door, and there's no sheets on the bed?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28No pillowslip, no cover. You're like, "Oh, no...
0:09:29 > 0:09:33"I only allowed enough strength to get to bed.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"I wasn't picturing having to do this at this time of night."
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You can't believe what you're looking at,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42it's a bare mattress, it's like a slab in a mortuary,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45it's the opposite of what you were expecting.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50You get everything off the bed, get everything off.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Fitted sheets first. Fitted sheet won't play the game.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58You can't unravel it, you don't know what corner's what.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00You could have a false start.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04And you have to walk round, it's at that bad back height.
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Walking round the bed trying to put the fitted sheet on,
0:10:08 > 0:10:12talking to your partner, "Fuck, we had the whole day to do this."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Lift the mattress up, get your knee in underneath.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23It's like a drum.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25The cat won't clear off.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29That's cos he's underneath the sheet.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Pillowslips are next.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38Yeah. I sit down and have a rest for those.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Sigh before I start.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44HE SIGHS
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Cos you're a long way from home.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51You've got the cover to do next.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57How do you do the cover? You're not too sure what you're doing, are you?
0:10:57 > 0:11:00There's a woman, what do you do, love?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03- Inside out!- Inside out. Turn inside out.
0:11:04 > 0:11:08Grab the corners? Grab the two corners? Yes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:12But there's heavy wafting in that technique, isn't there?
0:11:16 > 0:11:20I like it. I know you're on your own. No-one to help you.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I climb inside the cover. Climb right inside it.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Who's with me?
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Pull the quilt in with me, grab the two corners and then go...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40I've slept inside the cover...
0:11:41 > 0:11:43..pissed.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45Pillowslip over my head.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Dreamt I was in the Ku Klux Klan.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Paisley version.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58We were nice.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I like to go to bed before my partner.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Get her book, she's got a page folded back, I go back about ten pages, fold that page back.
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Very funny.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14Watch her reading with that look on her face.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22"This all seems very familiar.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27"Are you laughing?" "No, I'm having a wank."
0:12:33 > 0:12:36That's the only joy I get out of life these days.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38Winding my wife up.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42Another time she was in the bedroom,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45I went into the bathroom to freshen up.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50Got my nuts into the sink.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54As you do.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58You always have to go up on your tiptoes to get your nuts in the sink.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03It doesn't matter what sink it is, always up on your tiptoes.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07It's probably how the plumber measured the height of the sink.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21HE CHUCKLES
0:13:21 > 0:13:24No. Plumber with a saw? It's ridiculous.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Enjoy the rest of your night.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30CHEERING
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Jimeoin!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41Eleanor Tiernan!
0:13:41 > 0:13:43CHEERING
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Hello, how are you?
0:13:49 > 0:13:50How's it going?
0:13:50 > 0:13:54Hello, my name is Eleanor, I'm a comedian from Ireland.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I present a television programme over there.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Yeah, it's where I take Irish celebrities
0:14:00 > 0:14:04and find out what their ancestors were doing during the famine.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06Potato! >
0:14:06 > 0:14:08We call it Who Do You Think You Ate?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14Give me a cheer if you drive a car!
0:14:14 > 0:14:16Excellent. Excellent.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18I have a little tip for you people.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Here's how anybody at all can park in the mother-and-baby spot, OK?
0:14:23 > 0:14:29What you do is you park there, you go in, you get your shopping,
0:14:29 > 0:14:32you come back out and that's when somebody will strike.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36OK? Somebody is going to come over to you at that point and go,
0:14:36 > 0:14:37"Excuse me.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41"You're supposed to be a mother and a baby to park there."
0:14:42 > 0:14:47At this point your acting ability must kick in.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48What you have to do now is go...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57.."Oh, no.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"I'm after losing her!"
0:15:00 > 0:15:02They get upset for you then.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05They'll be like, "You've lost your baby?"
0:15:05 > 0:15:06And you can be like, "No.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08"I've lost my mother."
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I think I would've made an excellent supermodel if given the chance,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17because there is a technique to supermodelling
0:15:17 > 0:15:21that supermodels must have to learn at some point in their careers.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23But I figured it out all on my own.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26The technique is that when you're walking down the catwalk,
0:15:26 > 0:15:31you must walk down as if you have something very important to tell everyone.
0:15:31 > 0:15:32But at the very last minute,
0:15:32 > 0:15:35you decide that they wouldn't understand.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Here we go.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43CHEERING
0:15:52 > 0:15:54CHEERING
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Does anybody here know a television programme
0:15:58 > 0:16:01called America's Next Top Model? CHEERING
0:16:01 > 0:16:04It's brilliant. There's America's, Canada's, Britain's, Australia's.
0:16:04 > 0:16:08I am dying to see the Irish version of America's Next Top Model.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Except for Ireland doesn't really have a top model,
0:16:11 > 0:16:16so I think I would have to be called Ireland's First Half Decent Model.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I think I would be a good hostess for that show.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23When the job comes up, I'm going to go for it.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I'd get up there and say things like, "Fiona...
0:16:26 > 0:16:30"you came here a shy, nervous,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"impressionable girl from Waterford.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35"And now you're full of shit.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41"But we're not seeing it in your photographs.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"Claire from Cork,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48"we sent you to meet one of the world's top fashion designers.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"You showed up hammered drunk,
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"parked illegally
0:16:52 > 0:16:56"and put your head through the windscreen of a traffic warden's van.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00"You walked into that boardroom with bits of glass in your hair
0:17:00 > 0:17:02"and blood streaming from your left eye
0:17:02 > 0:17:05"and you told Jean Paul Gaultier to go fuck himself.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08"Fair play to you!
0:17:08 > 0:17:12"You're still in with a shout of becoming Ireland's First Half Decent Model!"
0:17:16 > 0:17:19Folks, I've been Eleanor Tiernan. Thank you so much, goodbye!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Eleanor Tiernan!
0:17:34 > 0:17:35CHEERING
0:17:35 > 0:17:41Good. Now, I have to ask foreigners in the room,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43are you fans of Scottish football?
0:17:43 > 0:17:45MUTED RESPONSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:51Oh, man, you're missing out! Oh, God, I love the SPL.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Oh, I love the Scottish football league so much.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57It's so good for the self-esteem.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You can be on the terrace at a Scottish football game
0:18:02 > 0:18:06and be able to say to yourself, looking at the play on the pitch,
0:18:06 > 0:18:07"I could do that!"
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"If I had this season's strip, I could be out there."
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Granted, there's a little bit of sectarianism in Scottish football.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Do foreigners know this?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Well, I don't assume that you know everything about Scotland.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Let me break it down for you. Basically, there's two...
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Well, up till very recently...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40Two football teams in Glasgow.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Rangers, they're Protestant.
0:18:44 > 0:18:50Celtic and they're Catholic, and they hate each other!
0:18:50 > 0:18:55Traditionally, they play each other every four days.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03Do you know this stuff is in America now?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06The Rangers-Celtic stuff. Did you know that?
0:19:06 > 0:19:08It blew my mind when I found out.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11There's Boston Celtic and New York Rangers.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14But they rarely play each other
0:19:14 > 0:19:17because one of them's a basketball team
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and the other one's an ice hockey team.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22But when they do...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25..it's mayhem!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Some say it's too slippy, some say it's too bouncy.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33That's religion for you.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39CHEERING
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Yeah, this was a bad idea.
0:19:50 > 0:19:51It's very late.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57I'm visiting here in Edinburgh.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01I was at my flat the other morning.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Somebody knocked on my door at nine in the morning.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door?
0:20:06 > 0:20:09"I don't know anybody here. Who knows that I live here?"
0:20:09 > 0:20:11So I said, "Who is it?!"
0:20:11 > 0:20:15And a guy says, "Scottish Power!"
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:22 > 0:20:25"Oh, good for you, man.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"That is good for you.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30"Early-morning patriotism is a great thing.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35"I don't know why you're knocking on my door about it."
0:20:38 > 0:20:43So I was here in the Fringe last year in Scotland,
0:20:43 > 0:20:49and I had some Scottish money left over when I went to London in May.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51GROANING
0:20:53 > 0:21:00Yeah, so I go into the place, I give them a Scottish 20 at the shop
0:21:00 > 0:21:05in London and the English guy says, "Literally, this is Scottish mon..."
0:21:05 > 0:21:08I don't know why English people are always, "Literally!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11"Literally, I was there!"
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Why are you saying "literally"?
0:21:13 > 0:21:17"Literally, I was..." Shut up with your "literally"!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20All your sentences will work without it, man!
0:21:20 > 0:21:21"Literally!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:29So, yes, it's Scottish money, man, so take it. Take the money! It's pounds.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33I don't know what the beef is between England and Scotland,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37I don't care, man, I'm not even going to research it.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Just know that I hate both of your countries equally.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48And I'm here for work only and I would never visit on my own.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53A fact's a fact.
0:21:55 > 0:21:59Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the napkin in my lap.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04I never put the napkin in my lap
0:22:04 > 0:22:07and people say, "Hannibal...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09"why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Because I believe in myself.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants
0:22:19 > 0:22:23because I am a goddamn adult and I have mastered the art
0:22:23 > 0:22:27of getting food from my plate to my mouth without soiling my jeans.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31You need to believe in yourself too and get your life together.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33That's for babies.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36Have some confidence in your hand-eye coordination.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You need abilities.
0:22:41 > 0:22:45My favourite drink is a Flaming Dr Pepper, that's an amazing drink.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46I'll tell you how to make one.
0:22:46 > 0:22:50Take a glass of beer, a shot of Amaretto, a capful of Bacardi 151.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54You put a capful in the Amaretto, light it on fire,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58drop it in the beer, chug it, and it tastes just like Dr Pepper.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00This drink is magical.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03Three different liquors and it tastes like Dr Pepper.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07That shows you how dedicated the guy was that invented this drink
0:23:07 > 0:23:09because he said, "I want to get messed up
0:23:09 > 0:23:12"but only if it tastes like Dr Pepper."
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Do you know how many times he's failed before that worked out?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17It didn't happen on the first try. It took patience and dedication.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He was trying stuff in his basement.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24"Let's try vodka, let's try whisky, let's try grenadine.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26"Dammit, that's not it!"
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"Honey, come up for dinner."
0:23:28 > 0:23:32"No, not right now, I'm working on something."
0:23:32 > 0:23:33"What are you working on?"
0:23:33 > 0:23:36"I'm working on this magical drink that has three different liquors
0:23:36 > 0:23:43"and tastes like Dr Pepper and involves fire for no reason at all."
0:23:43 > 0:23:44"That will never work!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:47"Yes, it will work and guess what?
0:23:47 > 0:23:50"When I make all this Flaming Dr Pepper money I'm divorcing you,
0:23:50 > 0:23:54"you unsupportive bitch! You never backed up my dreams!"
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Good night, y'all. Thanks a lot.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58CHEERING
0:24:04 > 0:24:06Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08You're very, very welcome.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Come here.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17It's great to be here. Well, I was over there and I didn't like it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23I got the taxi tonight. He said, "That'll be six quid."
0:24:23 > 0:24:27I said, "I've only got a fiver, could you reverse back a bit?"
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Do you know, it's lovely to be here in Edinburgh.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I rang up the railway station, you know.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I said, "Railway station, come closer to the phone.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39"What time does the next train go to Edinburgh?"
0:24:39 > 0:24:42He said, "Look it up online." I mean, how dangerous is that?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Eh?!
0:24:45 > 0:24:48You're walking up and down the line, the trains are whizzing by.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52So I went to the ticket office personally.
0:24:52 > 0:24:53Come here.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55I said, "A return, please."
0:24:55 > 0:24:56He said, "Where to?"
0:24:56 > 0:24:57I said, "Back here."
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Well, where else am I going to go?
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I said, "I want to go to Edinburgh."
0:25:05 > 0:25:07He said, "Change at Newcastle."
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I said, "I want my change here."
0:25:14 > 0:25:18But I got my own back. I bought a return ticket and I never went back.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25What a dream I had the other night. Can I share this with you?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I'm walking through the desert
0:25:28 > 0:25:31and who should I see but Westlife.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33SCATTERED CHEERS
0:25:33 > 0:25:36I thought it was Westlife, it turned out to be Oasis.
0:25:40 > 0:25:45Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to do a few impressions now.
0:25:47 > 0:25:48CHEERING
0:25:48 > 0:25:50That was an impression...
0:25:50 > 0:25:52That was an impression
0:25:52 > 0:25:54of a comedian taking his coat off.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58And now, a man going upstairs.
0:26:01 > 0:26:02He's in a lift.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And now, my impression of Olympic bronze medallist Tom Daley
0:26:08 > 0:26:09going into a dive.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Hello, any chance of a late-night drink?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Oh! An impression in the future.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24But I'm going to do it now.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27A man having a cup of tea up in outer space.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42GIGGLING
0:26:44 > 0:26:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I'd like to leave you all with a thought.
0:26:59 > 0:27:00If you want to live longer,
0:27:00 > 0:27:03find out where you're going to die and stay away from there.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13CHEERING
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Ladies and gentlemen, that is all we have time for tonight.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20I've been Andrew Maxwell.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe. Good night!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24CHEERING
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd