0:00:02 > 0:00:05I'm Chris Ramsey. Welcome to Comedy At The Fringe on BBC Three!
0:00:05 > 0:00:08APPLAUSE
0:00:08 > 0:00:11This programme contains some strong language
0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Yes!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Edinburgh Festival!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Woo! Yes!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42It's been good, this. It's been quite sunny at the Fringe this year.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44It's been quite nice, hasn't it? I'm not used to it.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48All the gigs have been quite full, cos it's all just Scottish people
0:00:48 > 0:00:51running in cos they don't know what the sun is and they're terrified.
0:00:51 > 0:00:52"The hell is that?! Aagh!"
0:00:52 > 0:00:55There's guys standing outside pubs,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57going, "The moon's getting a bit uppity."
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I love Edinburgh. One of the funniest, maddest, weirdest,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02most awkward things that ever happened to me
0:01:02 > 0:01:03happened in Edinburgh.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06I was up here doing a run of gigs at the Stand Comedy Club.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09My first ever weekend away from home doing gigs, it was a weekend away,
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Christmas gigs, I was doing the Thursday, Friday, Saturday.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15On the Saturday before Christmas,
0:01:15 > 0:01:19- I went for a meal on my own on the Saturday before Chris...- Aw!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Thank you! One man - "Awww!"
0:01:23 > 0:01:26And yeah, so I went for a meal on my own in this restaurant
0:01:26 > 0:01:28and I don't know if you've been for a meal on your own,
0:01:28 > 0:01:31but that's what the weirdos do, isn't it?
0:01:31 > 0:01:32And I walked in... I didn't want to,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35I walked in and honestly, it was the most over the top...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37I love Scottish people, I think you're great,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40but when you're having a good time, you really aim it at other people.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42You know what I mean? "Wahey!"
0:01:42 > 0:01:44"All right, man, I'm on my own. Leave us alone, right?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:47You genuinely know how to have a good time. It's a fantastic thing.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50I walked into this place. No table smaller than a table of six, right?
0:01:50 > 0:01:53These tables were massive. "Wahey!" Paper crowns,
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Christmas decorations, singing, dancing, and I popped my foot in
0:01:57 > 0:01:59and thought, "I'm not going to sit in here.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01"This will be horrendous, eating a meal on my own in here,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04"Saturday before Christmas, like the saddest puppy in the window."
0:02:04 > 0:02:06So I thought, "I'll just leave." I went to turn round
0:02:06 > 0:02:09and the bloke came in and went, "No, no, sir. Can we help you?"
0:02:09 > 0:02:12I thought, "What can I do here?" And I thought of an amazing out.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I went, "Uh, yes. We were hoping to get a table,
0:02:15 > 0:02:18"but it's clearly far too busy. We'll check somewhere else."
0:02:18 > 0:02:20He went, "No, no, no! It's turnover quite fast.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23"We've got three tables leaving now. How many is it for?"
0:02:23 > 0:02:24"Shit."
0:02:24 > 0:02:26And I quickly... I totally panicked.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30I just went, "Um, it's just me. I lied. I'm sorry." I had nothing.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Now, in real life, until that day...
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I went, "It's just a table for one."
0:02:34 > 0:02:37In real life, until that day, I'd never heard a human go "Ooh?!"
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Ever! Outside Scooby Doo, I'd never heard that happen, right?
0:02:40 > 0:02:44So he went, "Ooh?!" And he went, "No, it's OK, sir."
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Nice guy. Scottish people are lovely. You're accommodating people.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50He went, "It's all right." We didn't expect anyone to come
0:02:50 > 0:02:53"on the Saturday before Christmas on their own."
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Thanks for repeating it, mate. It feels much better.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58He went, "But it's all right, we'll sort you out."
0:02:58 > 0:03:01He went to the back of the restaurant and he found me
0:03:01 > 0:03:04- my very own table for one. What a guy.- Aw!
0:03:04 > 0:03:06What a guy, man. Yeah, he found it.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08He held it aloft.
0:03:08 > 0:03:14He marched it through the entire restaurant,
0:03:14 > 0:03:17causing so much mayhem and pandemonium, everyone's looking over,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19he's going, "Yeah, we're making a table for the lonely man.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23"He might cry. Let's watch." He was buzzing. Everyone was looking.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26He put it - imagine he put in the window, how bad that would be.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29He put it in the middle of four tables of six.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32If you're looking from the roof, it went table of six, table of six,
0:03:32 > 0:03:34table of six, table of six, me. Right in the middle!
0:03:34 > 0:03:38They had to move their bags and shopping and shit! Right?
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I was standing, I was purple, I was mortified.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43He started setting the table. He made it worse.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Everyone's looking. He set the table - cloth, knife, fork,
0:03:46 > 0:03:50plate, cup. He put, in front of everyone on that table,
0:03:50 > 0:03:52a Christmas cracker.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56What the hell am I supposed to do with that?!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Do I try to find a new friend from my circumference of happiness?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02"Please! Please! Someone, please!
0:04:02 > 0:04:07"You can keep the hat, I just want the joke!"
0:04:07 > 0:04:10Or do I pull it on my own? How creepy would that be?
0:04:10 > 0:04:11I can't lose, so...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15Ha-ha-ha!
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I opted for option three, which was creepier in hindsight.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24I genuinely stood up and took it as I left.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Right, are you ready for your first fantastic act?
0:04:29 > 0:04:32CHEERING
0:04:32 > 0:04:34Go crazy, go wild, welcome to the stage
0:04:34 > 0:04:36the fantastic Hannibal Buress!
0:04:40 > 0:04:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:04:52 > 0:04:53Yeah, this was a bad idea.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58It's very late.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I'm visiting here in Edinburgh.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I was at my flat the other morning.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Somebody knocked on my door at nine in the morning.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I'm thinking, "Who's knocking on my door? I don't know anybody here.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Who knows that I live here?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18So I say, "Who is it?"
0:05:18 > 0:05:22And the guy says, "Scottish Power!"
0:05:26 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Good for you, man.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34That is good for you.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Early-morning patriotism is a great thing.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42I don't know why you knocking on my door about it...
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Sometimes, I get drunk and get into arguments with taxi drivers
0:05:52 > 0:05:56and I get out the cab and I slam the door.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02The way to win is, you get out the cab
0:06:02 > 0:06:03and you leave the door open.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08Then he has to step out, come around and close the door,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but while he's doing that, I'm on the other side,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13opening the other doors...
0:06:16 > 0:06:21..and we just keep going around and around and around and around,
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Life is great. Cue the music.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30# Bada-ba-ba-bada-bada-ba...
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# Ba...badum badum...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# Bowm... #
0:06:34 > 0:06:39So I was here in the Fringe last year, here in Scotland,
0:06:39 > 0:06:45and I had some Scottish money left over when I went to London in May.
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- CROWD:- Ooh!
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Yeah, I don't... Yeah, so I go into the place,
0:06:53 > 0:06:57I give them the Scottish 20 at this shop in London
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and the English guy just, "Literally, this is Scottish..."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04I don't know why English people are always, "Literally!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"Literally, I was there! It literally...!"
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Why you saying "literally"?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12"Literally, I was there, and..." Shut up with your literally!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16All your sentences will work without it, man!
0:07:16 > 0:07:17"Literally!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:19CHEERS AND CLAPPING
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"So, yeah, it's Scottish money, man, so take it.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26"Take the money. It's pounds."
0:07:26 > 0:07:29I don't know what the beef is between England and Scotland.
0:07:29 > 0:07:33I don't care, man. I'm not even going to research it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37Just know that I hate both of your countries equally.
0:07:37 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- Boo!- And...- Woo!
0:07:40 > 0:07:42I'm here for work only.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And I would never visit on my own.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Facts are facts.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Whenever I eat at a restaurant,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I never put the napkin in my lap.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00I never put the napkin in my lap,
0:08:00 > 0:08:02and people say, "Hannibal,
0:08:02 > 0:08:05"why don't you put the napkin in your lap?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Because I believe in myself.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I believe in my ability to not spill food on my pants
0:08:16 > 0:08:18cos I'm a goddamn adult,
0:08:18 > 0:08:20and I have mastered the art
0:08:20 > 0:08:24of getting food from my plate to my mouth without soiling my jeans.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27You can believe in yourself too and get your life together.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29That's for babies.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33Have some confidence in your hand-eye co-ordination
0:08:33 > 0:08:35and eating abilities.
0:08:36 > 0:08:40My favourite drink is a Flaming Dr Pepper. That's an amazing drink.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44I'll tell you how to make one. Take a glass of beer,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46a shot of Amaretto, a capful of Bacardi 150.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48You put the capful in the Amaretto,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52light it on fire, drop it in the beer, chug it
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and it tastes just like Dr Pepper.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- This drink is magical.- Yeah.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Three different liquors and it tastes like Dr Pepper.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03That shows you how dedicated the guy was that invented this drink,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05because he said, "I want to get messed up,
0:09:05 > 0:09:08"but only if it tastes like Dr Pepper."
0:09:08 > 0:09:10You know how many times he failed before that worked out?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13It didn't happen on the first try, that took patience and dedication.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16He was trying stuff in his basement for years.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18"Let's try vodka, let's try whiskey,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20"let's try Grenadine.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22"Dammit, that's not it!"
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Honey, come up for dinner!"
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"Not right now, I'm working on something!"
0:09:28 > 0:09:29"What are you working on?"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"I'm working on this magical drink that has three different liquors
0:09:32 > 0:09:34"and it tastes like Dr Pepper,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37"and it involves fire for no reason at all."
0:09:39 > 0:09:40"That'll never work!"
0:09:40 > 0:09:42"Yes, it will work, and guess what?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45"When I make all this Flaming Dr Pepper money,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48"I'm divorcing you, you unsupportive bitch!
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"You never backed up my dreams!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Hey, good night, y'all, thanks a lot.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Hannibal Buress, everyone.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03This next guy is awesome.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04You'll love him.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Please go crazy, go wild for a good friend of mine
0:10:06 > 0:10:09and a fantastic comic. Mr Carl Donnelly!
0:10:14 > 0:10:17Hurray! How you doing? All right?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Good. My name's Carl Donnelly.
0:10:19 > 0:10:23This is how I look. It's all right, innit?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- Ow!- Ow!
0:10:25 > 0:10:30This is a haircut that I recently got because I turned 30,
0:10:30 > 0:10:31and it's a weird thing.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I used to have long hair. I got it all cut off,
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and anyone here who ever undergoes a big image change,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38watch out for this,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40it takes a few weeks to get your self-confidence back
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and what you don't need, two weeks in, is to meet a friend for lunch
0:10:43 > 0:10:47and him to point out that you look exactly like a young Rolf Harris.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:50I wouldn't mind, spot-on, but I'm not even a lookalike,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53cos I've nicked Rolf Harris's younger head.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56I had a bit of a bad experience with a haircut.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I accidentally showed a hairdresser a picture of me having a shit.
0:10:59 > 0:11:00Yeah, I know it sounds weird.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03It wasn't even on the first haircut. It was on the second.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04After the first one, I went home
0:11:04 > 0:11:08and I went for a post-haircut poo - normal poo, I'd just had a new look.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11And this is a weird thing. Does anyone here remember
0:11:11 > 0:11:13what it was like to have a shit before mobile phones?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16There's a laugh from a few older guys who remember the dark days.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20Young people now, you've got all that entertainment in the shit.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22We used to have to sit there and cry and things,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24but with mobile broadband,
0:11:24 > 0:11:28now you can check your e-mails, Twitter, I've got a Scrabble app.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31So I went for my post-haircut poo and I'm doing my admin
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and I come up with an idea cos I like the haircut,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35that I didn't realise some women do.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37I thought I might take a photo of my head,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39so when I go back to the hairdresser, I can show him
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and say, "Can you make it look like that again?" Good idea,
0:11:42 > 0:11:43but I'm on the toilet at the time,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45so I think - I'll do it now.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47So I bring my camera phone up - cos I've got one of them -
0:11:47 > 0:11:50and I had about 45 minutes to kill, if I'm honest.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52So I bring up the camera, smile and go, "do-doot!"
0:11:52 > 0:11:55I look at it. I'm so obsessed with my new hair cut,
0:11:55 > 0:11:56I don't register the full photo.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I see the hair and I'm like, "That's what I want to save!"
0:11:59 > 0:12:02By not looking properly, I've missed the periphery of my head.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03It ain't the only thing in the photo.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05That is in the middle, smiling like that.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08There is a toilet roll right next to it.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10There's a flush sticking over my shoulder and a sink.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13This photo is of a man having a shit and smiling about it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I don't know that for two months,
0:12:15 > 0:12:17until I go back to the hairdressers and I sit down.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20They go, "What can I do for you?" I go, "Can you cut my hair short?"
0:12:20 > 0:12:22He goes, "How short?" I go, "I don't know. I'm new to this."
0:12:22 > 0:12:24I start panicking, then I remember the photo.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I went, "I took a photo 40 minutes after last time.
0:12:27 > 0:12:28"If I show you that, can you copy?"
0:12:28 > 0:12:30He goes, "Of course I can. Let's do this."
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So I bring up my phone, and I get to the little version.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35You know the little versions? They crop it.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Why don't they tell us that in the booklet?
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I just saw my head and I was like, "Yes, here it is."
0:12:39 > 0:12:41I go, "pop" to show him and enlarge.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45As I do that, my life went into slow motion.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Because I did this. I went vooom...
0:12:48 > 0:12:52We both realised it was me having a shit at the exact same moment,
0:12:52 > 0:12:56like split-second moment. Our reactions were very different.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59That poor guy froze like he'd just seen a T Rex come in
0:12:59 > 0:13:00and just went like, "Ack!"
0:13:00 > 0:13:03I made a noise I'd never made before. Have you done this,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05when you make a noise that even you go, "What the shit?!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:07It was like a primaeval scream,
0:13:07 > 0:13:11in that it didn't come from my vocal chords - you control them.
0:13:11 > 0:13:14It sounded like it came from the souls of my ancestors.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Imagine getting your hair cut and seeing what I did,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19which is exactly how it went down, right?
0:13:19 > 0:13:20I went, "Here it is, man.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23"Vooom... Eargh!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Screamed into a hairdresser's face!
0:13:25 > 0:13:28I'm not even a fan of normal haircut chit-chat.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30You don't know them, they're touching your head. It's awkward.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33Try it when you've shown them a picture of you having a shit.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34It's really awkward!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37It's quite embarrassing as well.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I managed to embarrass myself on my own. Get a load of this.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44I had one of the most embarrassing events of my life six weeks ago.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49I was alone in the kitchen and I almost died during this event.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I almost choked to death on my own in the kitchen
0:13:51 > 0:13:54because I tried eating a whole crumpet in one go.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I know it sounds dumb. It's a very male trait.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Getting competitive with food. I was doing it.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02I was at home alone, cooking some crumpets.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I was not cooking some crumpets. I was toasting them.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I wasn't putting them in a wok!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10I'd never have dreamed of attempting the crumpet
0:14:10 > 0:14:13when I first took it out of the pack, because they're massive.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15They're like sponges, yeah?
0:14:15 > 0:14:17When I toasted it, it got smaller,
0:14:17 > 0:14:20so I reckoned I had a chance.
0:14:20 > 0:14:22It was a deciding factor when I put butter on it
0:14:22 > 0:14:24and butter ran out of the bottom.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28I'm no scientist, but that means actually, it ain't getting bigger.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30If it's spitting stuff out, it ain't got nowhere to go,
0:14:30 > 0:14:32so I thought, "I'm going to go for it."
0:14:32 > 0:14:34So I rammed it into my mouth.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38When I finally got it in, the crumpet opened up
0:14:38 > 0:14:40its emergency air tanks.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43Where did this come from? It went, "Brrrah!"
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I couldn't get it out of my mouth and I couldn't breathe,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49which are two of my least favourite things.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52It was horrible. I was dying in my kitchen.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I don't know if anyone here has almost died - horrible feeling.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58But I learned there's something worse than dying, and that's dying
0:14:58 > 0:15:00in an embarrassing manner.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01Because it adds a narrative
0:15:01 > 0:15:04that shouldn't be there in your final moment.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Your final moment should be peaceful,
0:15:06 > 0:15:07with you going, "I'm dying!"
0:15:07 > 0:15:10But what it adds is your own voice in the background going,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13"What are they going to tell everyone, you prick?"
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I was running through the scene of them knocking
0:15:16 > 0:15:19to tell my mum and dad that I was dead.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Imagine that conversation with the police.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24"Mrs Donnelly, we think you should sit down." She sits down.
0:15:24 > 0:15:29"What's happened?" "We've got some terrible news.
0:15:29 > 0:15:33"We actually found Carl dead this morning." She's like, "What happened?"
0:15:33 > 0:15:37"Well, we're not 100% sure at the minute,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40"but early signs are that he tried to eat a whole crumpet...
0:15:40 > 0:15:44"in one go, which is actually incredibly difficult.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"You should be very proud."
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's been a pleasure. I'm Carl Donnelly.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Please go crazy, go wild
0:15:57 > 0:16:00for the brilliant Celia Pacquola!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:16:02 > 0:16:03WHISTLING
0:16:03 > 0:16:05Hello. Can I say...
0:16:05 > 0:16:06WHISTLING
0:16:06 > 0:16:10Wow! Thank you. You're only human. Really?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Can I just say, honestly, it's really nice to be on a bill with
0:16:12 > 0:16:16so many other women. Usually, it's just me and a bunch of dudes.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Usually, it's a bit of a sausage fest.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22You have that too? Tonight, there's a bunch of us.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26It's turning into some sort of clam jamboree here. It's beautiful.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28Too much, too soon? Come on!
0:16:28 > 0:16:30I'm from Australia, which I know isn't a big deal,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33but when I left, everyone was like, "My God, so brave what you're doing.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36"So brave, moving to another country." I was like, is it?
0:16:36 > 0:16:38It's not like I flew with Ryanair. What? I don't know.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42I've not flown with them. Our budget airline is called Tiger.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Tiger Airways, which is the dumbest name.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48If you had an airline, why would you name it after an animal
0:16:48 > 0:16:50that can't fly and kills people?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54I mean, I've done some brave stuff, like one day,
0:16:54 > 0:16:57I got a big pile of money and I just burnt it.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02Sorry, I joined a gym. I did that.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04It was weighing me down.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07I have had a win though. I had a pretty big win.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08I was drinking in a beer garden
0:17:08 > 0:17:10in the daytime with eight or nine friends.
0:17:10 > 0:17:14Drinking for a little while. Not drunk. Tipsy. Not drunk.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Flirt with the bouncer, wouldn't take him home. See?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Important distinction. Not as drunk as a girl can be.
0:17:20 > 0:17:24You know that a girl is drunk by, very simple, how hard
0:17:24 > 0:17:25she opens a toilet door.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Women are laughing. Guys are like, really? Yeah, really. Very simple.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Not drunk - boosh - drunk! I was putting my make-up on one night.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36This girl comes in - boosh - something must receive wee.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Move it!
0:17:38 > 0:17:42I mean, she didn't say that, but that was the vibe I got.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45I wasn't that drunk - not as drunk as when I start playing ugly dance moves,
0:17:45 > 0:17:48where you go to a public place and do the ugliest dance possible.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51A lot of people make the mistake of thinking for things to be ugly,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53they need to be big. Not true. This...
0:17:53 > 0:17:56LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58WHISTLING
0:17:58 > 0:18:03..is revolting, and if you couldn't see that up the back, you're welcome.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06I wasn't that drunk, but because I'd been drinking for a while,
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I went to reapply my lipstick. My friend sitting next to me
0:18:08 > 0:18:11goes, "Celia can you stop making yourself look prettier?
0:18:11 > 0:18:14"Make yourself look uglier." In a flash, I grabbed the half-full
0:18:14 > 0:18:17pint of beer in front of me and just went - splash.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22It's like my brain went, can I? Yeah. Heaps more.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25Really quickly. Make yourself look uglier. Bang. Half a pint.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29My eyes were open. I was soaked. The people behind me were soaked.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33My friends erupted in laughter. The greatest thing they'd ever seen.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"Oh, my God, we can't believe you went so far for a joke, Celia!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"You're a comedy legend." And I was like, "Yes, I live for the funny.
0:18:39 > 0:18:40"You may worship me now."
0:18:40 > 0:18:43It was great. I was great. The whole thing was great.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45The thing I didn't tell them, that I'm going to tell you, is that
0:18:45 > 0:18:48I thought the glass was empty.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I thought I was performing a hilarious mime.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54"Wouldn't it be funny...?!" Which is why my eyes were open.
0:18:54 > 0:18:59Got a bit of a shock and just pretended I nailed it.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01It was a very sudden emotional shift.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06You know like when you're patting a cat and it changes its mind?
0:19:06 > 0:19:11You know? When they're like, yeah, good patting. Really enjoying that!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Yeah, really good. GET OFF!
0:19:13 > 0:19:16It's always at the point when the person whose cat it is walks in
0:19:16 > 0:19:18and is like, "What the hell are you doing to my cat?!"
0:19:18 > 0:19:23"Nothing. It was liking it. I swear." The cat's like, "Yeah!"
0:19:23 > 0:19:26I think sometimes, I read into things in a different way to others.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29A friend of mine had an anniversary with her boyfriend.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32She goes, "As a surprise, I'm going to rent sexy costumes."
0:19:32 > 0:19:34I said "First, don't bloody rent them.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard."
0:19:38 > 0:19:43Can you imagine wearing a rented skimpy crotchless Cleopatra thing?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Bleurgh! This reeks of last resort. Gross. I said, "Don't rent them."
0:19:47 > 0:19:50She said, "All right, I won't." "What are you going to get?"
0:19:50 > 0:19:53She goes, "I read an article which says the sexiest occupation a man
0:19:53 > 0:19:55- "can have is..." Any guesses? Pretty obvious.- Fireman.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Fireman - bang! And for a woman is...?- Nurse.- Nurse.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I'm going to get a fireman outfit for him, nurse for me."
0:20:01 > 0:20:05I'm not a scientist, but even I... Shocking, I know! ..even I know
0:20:05 > 0:20:09that in terms of sexual role-play, a fireman and nurse will never work.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Why? Because they're both helpers. OK?
0:20:12 > 0:20:15Firemen and nurses don't work for the same reason that damsel in distress
0:20:15 > 0:20:20and wounded soldier wouldn't work, as they'd both be like, "You take care of me." "No, you take care of me."
0:20:20 > 0:20:24"I'm weak and vulnerable." "So am I." You see what I'm saying? It's not a gender thing, it's a status thing.
0:20:24 > 0:20:28It's simple maths. Fireman plus damsel in distress equals sexy.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Hot nurse plus wounded soldier equals sexy.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Fireman and nurse doesn't work
0:20:33 > 0:20:37for the same reason that policeman and schoolgirl is awkward and creepy.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41You know, I've heard. But I'm weird about sex stuff anyway.
0:20:41 > 0:20:46A friend of mine told me that she likes to masturbate by candlelight.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I was like, "Jeez, that must make birthdays awkward."
0:20:49 > 0:20:51# Happy birthday to... #
0:20:51 > 0:20:53What are you doing?!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Thank you for having me. Enjoy the rest of your night. See you later!
0:20:56 > 0:20:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:20:58 > 0:21:01Yes, Celia Pacquola!
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Next act coming to the stage
0:21:03 > 0:21:04is absolutely fantastic.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08You'll love this guy, you'll have seen him on stuff - Buzzcocks, etc.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11He's great, you'll love him. Go crazy, wild, raise the roof
0:21:11 > 0:21:13for the brilliant Paul Foot!
0:21:13 > 0:21:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Greetings. So, this is quite nice.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31What I thought I might do is, some of these jokes here
0:21:31 > 0:21:35that I read off the backs of these cards.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38They're all individually hand decorated.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43Actually, I say jokes, but that's perhaps slightly the wrong word.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48A bit misleading. They're kind of thoughts from my own mind, really.
0:21:48 > 0:21:54I think probably a better word for them would be disturbances.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Let's start with the first one.
0:22:00 > 0:22:06There are various levels of homophobia.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10The top level is when you attack someone just because
0:22:10 > 0:22:12they're not homophobic.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18When you think about it, that's the most homophobic it's possible
0:22:18 > 0:22:22to be, isn't it? Level-A homophobia.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24You don't think about it that much.
0:22:24 > 0:22:29The most common type of homophobia is people punching gay people.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31That's only really level B.
0:22:31 > 0:22:32LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:36In fact, those people would probably be quite angry
0:22:36 > 0:22:40if they were to find out they're not being as homophobic as they could be.
0:22:45 > 0:22:52Well, as you've probably all noticed by now, I come from the seaside.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:16Good, so you're getting the idea of the disturbances now.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19They are pointless.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24I quite like doing the disturbances. They're slightly audience-dividing.
0:23:24 > 0:23:28It's like, some people, they're really laughing about the seaside thing,
0:23:28 > 0:23:31and some people are looking slightly confused.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36If you're in that latter category, then the mistake you're making
0:23:36 > 0:23:40is searching for hidden meaning.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45Do not analyse the humour. Yield to it. Fact.
0:23:45 > 0:23:51This next disturbance is in the form of a fact. Fact.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55The deepest parts of the ocean are deeper
0:23:55 > 0:23:59than the tallest mountains are tall.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03To put it another way, if you took the Himalayan mountain range
0:24:03 > 0:24:06and turned it upside down into the sea,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09loads of sanctimonious charity climbers...
0:24:11 > 0:24:16..people pushing themselves to the limits of physical endurance
0:24:16 > 0:24:19to discover themselves,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23Tibetan wise-men and other losers would drown.
0:24:28 > 0:24:34I'm a top international businessman and, yes, I have a disability.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39I'm asthmatic. But I can still do deals like any other executive.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42I just have to remember my inhaler, that's all.
0:24:47 > 0:24:53Sometimes, I leave that disturbance there, but as a bonus, I'll do
0:24:53 > 0:24:56the final part, and that's the part where I become the businessman.
0:24:56 > 0:25:03So, the contracts for 450,000 - I'll get my PA to fax it through
0:25:03 > 0:25:07and we'll firm up the details the next time I'm in Zurich.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Tsss!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25As her body pulsates with orgasm,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28a lamp smashes
0:25:28 > 0:25:32and a clumsy young woman comes to a sinking realisation
0:25:32 > 0:25:38that she's never going to be the competent prostitute she'd envisaged.
0:25:43 > 0:25:48That, I think, brings us to the conclusion of these proceedings.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Thank you very much. Good evening.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:25:57Paul Foot! Paul Foot, everyone!
0:25:57 > 0:26:02Awesome stuff. It's all good.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05It's all good. I'm enjoying it.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Are you just going to leave it in the background just there? Yeah?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16Open the door... Can I do this door? The door's shut to the music room.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18CREAKING
0:26:18 > 0:26:20MAN BEATBOXES
0:26:20 > 0:26:23Keep that fucking racket down, will you?!
0:26:23 > 0:26:26LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:36I've got the door shut. Now...
0:26:36 > 0:26:40MAN BEATBOXES SOFTLY
0:26:40 > 0:26:44It felt like it was in my head!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47That's great, man. Pete Box, everyone! Come on!
0:26:47 > 0:26:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:55All that's left to say is thanks to all of tonight's acts.
0:26:55 > 0:26:57I'm Chris Ramsey. You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Good night!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:18 > 0:27:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd