0:00:02 > 0:00:04I'm Chris Ramsey, this is Comedy At The Fringe
0:00:04 > 0:00:07and these are some of the funniest comedians from this year's Edinburgh Festival!
0:00:08 > 0:00:15This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32So, give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I genuinely love Edinburgh. It's honestly lovely to be here.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41I'm from South Shields originally.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- Good. - LAUGHTER - Literally nothing.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Yeah, I live in Manchester now, though.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- CHEERING - Oh, you'll cheer that, will you?
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- I, erm... One guy just went... - LAUGHTER
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I live in Manchester. I get grief for my accent in Manchester.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00And they've got a nerve.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Sorry, like, but have you ever seen someone who's so Manc, it sounds like it hurts?
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Nnnnnooooooooo...
0:01:07 > 0:01:11- It sounds like someone fingering a sleeping cat. - LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Try it at home. Just use one, though.
0:01:13 > 0:01:17- You use two, it wakes up and goes mental. - LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Are you ready for your first fantastic act?
0:01:21 > 0:01:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Please go crazy, go wild, build it up, build it up,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31and welcome to the stage Joel Dommett!
0:01:31 > 0:01:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:40 > 0:01:44- CHEERING AND WHISTLING - Whoo indeed. All right? Good?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- ALL: Yeah!- Ohh. Come on, guys.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52I missed Hollyoaks for this. Jump on board. How's it going? You well?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56- CHEERING - Oh, the bottom of that is heavier than we all anticipated.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00It's good to be here. Edinburgh is proper mental.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04It's proper mental. My flatmate, right,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08this was this morning, he came out of his bedroom door and...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10This story might make me laugh more than you.
0:02:10 > 0:02:13But he came out of his bedroom door, we met in the hallway,
0:02:13 > 0:02:20and he went, "Joel, Joel, I had a mental time at a fancy dress party last night."
0:02:20 > 0:02:22I went, "All right, why, what happened?"
0:02:22 > 0:02:25He went, "Joel, seriously...
0:02:25 > 0:02:29"..this fancy dress party was off the hook."
0:02:29 > 0:02:32I went, "All right, why, what happened?"
0:02:32 > 0:02:35Honest to God, this is what came out of his mouth. He went,
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"Last night, I fucked a Smurf."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:42That is incredible!
0:02:42 > 0:02:46As if that isn't incredible enough, this little voice from his bedroom went,
0:02:46 > 0:02:49"Erm, I'm supposed to be from that film Avatar."
0:02:49 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:54That is unbelievable!
0:02:54 > 0:02:57That is brilliant! I bloody love him.
0:02:57 > 0:03:01My flatmate's amazing. We were having a conversation ages ago
0:03:01 > 0:03:03about what you'd do if you suddenly won £1 million.
0:03:03 > 0:03:08If you suddenly won £1 million, what would be the first thing you'd do? This is what he answered with.
0:03:08 > 0:03:14He went, "Erm, I would buy every seat on a Megabus."
0:03:14 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- That is £54, man. - LAUGHTER
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- You can actually just do that now. - LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30You need to dream a little further, please.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35And so it was his 30th birthday in June, so I did it, right?
0:03:35 > 0:03:39I did it. Honestly. I went ahead and I bought him every single seat
0:03:39 > 0:03:42on a Megabus back to Bristol from London to visit his parents,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46and honestly, you have never seen a man so happy in your entire life.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49It was incredible. And it cost a little more than I thought it would.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53It cost £97. Yeah, £97!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57But it was worth every single penny just to see him get on that bus by himself.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Me and my friend John went to see him off at the station.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08I have never laughed so hard in my life. It was incredible.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12He was just sat on this bus by himself like, "Bye."
0:04:12 > 0:04:16There's this long line of people waiting for the next bus like, "What the hell is going on?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:21"Sorry, sir, it's full." "It's not full!"
0:04:21 > 0:04:25The best thing about this, right, I didn't even know this,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28there's actually another stop before you get to Bristol.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31I didn't know this. So I called him when he got there,
0:04:31 > 0:04:34I was like, "Hey, man. How did you enjoy your birthday present?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:36He was like, "Joel, it was terrible!" I was like, "Why?"
0:04:36 > 0:04:40He went, "Erm, somebody else got on the bus, Joel, and ruined it for me!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- LAUGHTER - I was like, "Oh, come on, man, I'm sorry to hear that."
0:04:43 > 0:04:47"Two people on a massive bus is absolutely fine."
0:04:47 > 0:04:49He went, "Yeah, he fucking sat next to me!"
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- LAUGHTER - Horrible, horrible thing.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56But it's a genuine pleasure to be here in Edinburgh. It's amazing.
0:04:56 > 0:05:01It's nice to be back this year because last year I got mugged, so it's incredible to be back.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- WHOOPING - Yeah, it was horrible. It was him. Whoo!
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- That was the classic mugging sign. Whoo-ooh! - LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It was horrible, but I'll tell you what made it OK.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13His weapon of choice, this was in The Meadows,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16- his weapon of choice was a rounders bat. - LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:19That made it OK, right? Because I loved rounders in school,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- so instead of being scared, I was like, "This is fairly nostalgic." - LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:27Before I tell you about the mugging, did anyone else have that rule when you play rounders in school
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- that when you hit the ball, you had to drop the bat?- Yes!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, exactly! Doesn't make any sense at all!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37You've got to drop it before you run around otherwise it does not count.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40Doesn't make any sense. Apparently it's for health and safety reasons
0:05:40 > 0:05:43but nobody in their right mind would be like... Just pop that down.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Nobody would do that. Everyone would get so excited that they hit it,
0:05:46 > 0:05:50- they'd be like, "Fucking amazing!" - LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Doesn't make any sense at all!
0:05:51 > 0:05:54This was a beautiful moment in school I will remember forever.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57It was incredible. My friend, James Dawson, he hit the ball.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59He was so excited, he threw the bat behind him
0:05:59 > 0:06:04and the bat then flew towards Mr Saunders, our PE teacher's face.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It was incredible. It was like... towards his head.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- All the kids in the class were like, "Oh, this is happening!" - LAUGHTER
0:06:09 > 0:06:13But the best thing about it, Mr Saunders was not even looking.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15He was looking down at the floor like this.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- This classic PE teacher stance. - LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25You could tell that he was thinking,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27"Just don't fucking stare at the kids."
0:06:27 > 0:06:30LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- They're wearing singlets, it's weird. - LAUGHTER
0:06:36 > 0:06:38It's flying towards the back of his head.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42It's just about to hit him in the back of his skull. Just about to hit him.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45At that point, he then looks up, he catches the bat and goes,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48"Before I was a teacher, I was in the army."
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- LAUGHTER - He is a hero to me!
0:06:51 > 0:06:54This is honestly all I can think about while I'm being mugged
0:06:54 > 0:06:57by this mugger man in The Meadows.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00Mugger Man is a great name for a mugger.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03This is what he did. He lifted up his rounders bat
0:07:03 > 0:07:08and he went, "Oi! Give... me..."
0:07:09 > 0:07:13I'm praying that sentence is going to end with, "..a ruddy good game of rounders!"
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- LAUGHTER - It doesn't. He goes, "Give... me...
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- "..some change." - LAUGHTER
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I answer in the worst and most middle-class way possible.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25I go, "Erm, sorry, I've only got notes."
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- Is this supposed to happen? - LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:33- I don't know what's happening. - I've got 50p!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- You've got 50p? For the meter! - HE LAUGHS
0:07:37 > 0:07:40- I forgot that's how you people pay for electricity. - LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:45 > 0:07:47I love you so much!
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Never let go! Never give up!
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Oh, God.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Right, finish your set, mate, I'll see you later.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- Joel Dommett, everyone! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:03 > 0:08:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Yes! How you doing, everyone? How are we?
0:08:08 > 0:08:13- CHEERING - People, we are living the dream.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Cos I'm quite young, but I'm old enough to remember certain things.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19I'm old enough to remember when television was good.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Do you remember when MasterChef was good?
0:08:23 > 0:08:28Remember that? You had Loyd Grossman, three kitchens, no messing about. It was amazing.
0:08:28 > 0:08:34Nowadays, MasterChef is the most needlessly dramatic programme in the entire world.
0:08:34 > 0:08:38All MasterChef is nowadays is cooking to a time limit.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Do you know what else is cooking to a time limit? Cooking. Right.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45The start of MasterChef these days is this.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49This... is as tough... as cooking gets.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56No, it's not. Clearly you've never got home at four o'clock in the morning...
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- LAUGHTER - ..pissed out of your mind and thought,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03"I am making a quiche. Right, erm..."
0:09:03 > 0:09:05LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Then woken up four hours later in the oven.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- That is tough. - LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Drunken MasterChef would be the greatest programme of all time.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17"Oh, in the blue kitchen, you appear to be making a carbonara."
0:09:17 > 0:09:22The guy's knackered. He's like, "Aye, erm... I'm cooking the bacon..."
0:09:22 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER
0:09:25 > 0:09:30"..in a wok, in a microwave, from my bath."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33LAUGHTER
0:09:33 > 0:09:35"The red kitchen, you appear to be seasoning your dish."
0:09:35 > 0:09:39She's like, "Yeah, erm, I thought it was pepper.
0:09:39 > 0:09:44- "It's actually chocolate sprinkles. So I'm just..." - LAUGHTER
0:09:44 > 0:09:46The voiceover lady would properly have her work cut out.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48She'd have no idea what's going on, just going,
0:09:48 > 0:09:51"Hm, it appears Kimberley has skipped her dessert
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"and instead has put a traffic cone on the fridge."
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- "There we go." - LAUGHTER
0:09:58 > 0:10:01By the end of the programme, there's no cooking going on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04The guy in the blue kitchen's knackered.
0:10:04 > 0:10:06"So I'm kicking the...
0:10:06 > 0:10:09- "Oh, God." - LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- "I shouldn't have done that Jager." - LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:17I said to them, "I can do sambuca but I can't do Jager."
0:10:17 > 0:10:21- LAUGHTER - "It's too thick. It's too thick."
0:10:21 > 0:10:23LAUGHTER
0:10:23 > 0:10:26"So I was cooking the bacon
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- "and then instead I just done a poo in the wok." - LAUGHTER
0:10:32 > 0:10:36Television's weird, though. Whole areas of the country can be ruined by television.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40I live in Manchester now, and right beside it is a place called Chester.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Lovely part of the country. Chester's been ruined
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- by a show on Channel 4 known as Hollyoaks. Do we know Hollyoaks? - CHEERING
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Horribly vacuous show, teaches kids they need no talent to be on television.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56For those who don't know Hollyoaks, it's like a dyslexic person wrote a play for the cast of Babestation.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59LAUGHTER
0:10:59 > 0:11:01APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Four people clapping. The rest of you are gone. So...
0:11:06 > 0:11:11No, honest, it's a ridiculous show. I was watching the Sunday omnibus once of Hollyoaks.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14The only reason to be watching the Sunday omnibus of Hollyoaks
0:11:14 > 0:11:17is being a 14-year-old boy that doesn't have an internet connection.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- LAUGHTER - But, I mean, I was wanking, right,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24but, oh, I was furious!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28Like, "Grrrr! There's no narrative structure! Come on!"
0:11:28 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:36- That is a new mime and, ooh, it's ambitious. That's... - LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:40In Hollyoaks, they try and pretend they deal with the big issues.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43You get a little guy in the credits at the end going,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- "If you are experiencing..." - LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:48"..any of the issues
0:11:48 > 0:11:53"experienced by the people in Hollyoaks, call this number."
0:11:53 > 0:11:58So I'm dead immature. I went, "Hello? I can't act."
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - "Hello? Hello?"
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Hung up. Hung up.
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Erm, yeah. - WHISTLING
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Thank you, one lady whooping. Cheers, Mum.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14But, I mean, I'm quite immature, but I think that's an important thing to have in life.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17I think I'm quite immature cos I went to a rough, working-class school,
0:12:17 > 0:12:21the sort of school where the boys got in trouble and the girls got... pregnant.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- LAUGHTER - Now, as we all know in this room,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26teenage pregnancy isn't funny.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- However... - LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:34I once witnessed the funniest thing in sex education.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37I once witnessed my sexual education teacher, Mr Walker,
0:12:37 > 0:12:41teach a heavily pregnant 14-year-old girl
0:12:41 > 0:12:45how to put a condom on a banana.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49We're like, "Mate, that ship has sailed, do you know what I mean?"
0:12:49 > 0:12:53She's at the front of the class. She has never seen a condom in her life.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I mean, she's from Scotland, she's never seen a banana.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59- LAUGHTER - She's like that.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04She's not got a clue what's going on. An awkward tension falls. It's the most embarrassing thing ever.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08Then not me, a clown, a joker, if you will,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11just emerges out of the ashes and to break the silence goes,
0:13:11 > 0:13:14"Sir, you shouldn't be teaching her how to put a condom on a banana,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17"you should be teaching her how to pull the banana out
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"and make it cum on her tits."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22LAUGHTER
0:13:24 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Some of you are going, "That's dead funny, well done." - LAUGHTER
0:13:31 > 0:13:36- Some of you are going, "He's not going to finish on that, is he?" - LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:40To which I say, I've been Ian Stirling, good night, God bless. Thank you very much. Cheers.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:47Go crazy, raise the roof for Mr Tony Law!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:50 > 0:13:52Yeah!
0:13:52 > 0:13:55All right!
0:13:55 > 0:13:59Let's kick this thing in the ball bag!
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Good! Let's see who we've got in. What a magical night.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Who've we got in? What's your name, fella?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Pol Pot?- Yeah.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13It's Pol Pot, ladies and gentlemen. One of the greatest mass murderers of recent history.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17I say greatest, you did a shit-load of it, well done, fella.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Got to be honest with you, Pol, I thought you'd look more Oriental.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23I Googled it, it's OK to say that.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Pol Pot. What's your name, fella?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29The Archduke Franz Ferdinand?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32All the characters of history are in.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36Little tip for you, don't trust anyone called Gavrilo.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Historically accurate... banter!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44A lot of people have asked me lately, by that I mean, er, nobody,
0:14:44 > 0:14:50nobody's been asking me lately, "What's going on with your look? What are you trying to achieve?"
0:14:50 > 0:14:55And what I'm trying to achieve with my look, cos I think we all like to have a little story about our look,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57mainly ladies and fellas like myself,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00we like to have a little back story with our look.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Like you've got a look there, I can feel it,
0:15:02 > 0:15:05I'm breathing it, your look, it says to me,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08"One day I will be a wonderful husband and an excellent father."
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You've been dealt with, prick.
0:15:10 > 0:15:14Don't sit on my front row. I will fuck you up. LAUGHTER
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You've got a look there, your look says to me,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"I know lots about science but I don't bang on about it."
0:15:20 > 0:15:22Banter! LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:27My look, I'm trying to go for something that's part pirate,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30part pirate, part Viking.
0:15:30 > 0:15:34Or piking, if you will. Little joke there, a little joke.
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Piking, or you could call it vikrate, couldn't you?
0:15:37 > 0:15:41That'll just end up being pronounced Vik-ra-tay.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44And it will develop into a martial art.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46And you'll be on one of the urban streets one day,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50and one of the urban youths will approach you with a hoodie on and a concealed weapon.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54"How do you know he's got a concealed weapon?" My fear tells me so.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And he will approach you, like, "Yeah, like, like, like, like..."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I don't know what they sound like, I don't listen.
0:16:00 > 0:16:04One of them will approach you, and you'll be like, "You better stand down, boy!
0:16:04 > 0:16:07"You better stand down, you messed with the wrong guy tonight
0:16:07 > 0:16:09"cos I know vikrate!
0:16:09 > 0:16:13"And I will hack you down with my double-headed war axe!"
0:16:13 > 0:16:16And they're like, "Yeah, but the thing is, old man,
0:16:16 > 0:16:21"if you was from the Dark Ages, you'd be well dead, innit, cos life expectancy was low, innit bruv?"
0:16:21 > 0:16:24LAUGHTER Touche. Well done.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27You're better educated than I gave you credit for.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30Maybe Britain is not broken!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33And that is my final thing I have to say.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35What a positive way to end.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40Were you proud of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics? CHEERING
0:16:40 > 0:16:44Yeah? I was. I moved here 22 years ago, I moved to the UK,
0:16:44 > 0:16:47and thank you for adopting me. Thank you for having me.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50I was so proud of the music. Like, Beijing Olympics,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52do you remember the music they played in those?
0:16:52 > 0:16:55No. Sorry, that was shit. LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:58But the opening ceremonies was wonderful, wasn't it?
0:16:58 > 0:17:03It made us all proud with the magical creative genius of the United Kingdom.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05And then the closing ceremonies,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09they reminded us of how much shit music we can produce. CHEERING
0:17:09 > 0:17:16Opening ceremonies, art, closing ceremonies, Legends Nightclub.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19Anyway, folks, enjoy the rest of your night.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Have a wonderful festival.
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Tony Law!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Yes!
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Tony Law! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:29 > 0:17:33Go crazy for your next act, the fantastic Matt Rees!
0:17:33 > 0:17:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- Hello. - AUDIENCE SHOUT
0:17:43 > 0:17:47Thank you for staying up. I'm the Welsh one. It's nice to be here.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I come from a town called Maesteg in South Wales.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51I've been gigging quite a lot recently.
0:17:51 > 0:17:56I've been trying to think of the best way to describe Maesteg to my audience.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00- Here's what I've come up with. We have a local shop... - LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:05..where for £3 you can buy a multipack of crisps and a flagon of cider.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08And with no apparent irony, that's the meal deal.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- So... - LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14A friend of mine told me recently
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I'm a bit of a miserable bastard to be around.
0:18:16 > 0:18:21I don't know if you're getting that vibe yet. It does get stronger.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23It's because I've just left university
0:18:23 > 0:18:29and recently found out exactly how unemployable I am as a human being.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33I piss off members of the service industry without even trying any more.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37I was kicked out of a local Subway restaurant recently.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41I bought a sandwich. He said "Would you like a refillable cup with that?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:46- I said, "All cups are refillable." - LAUGHTER
0:18:46 > 0:18:49If you've got yourself a cup that isn't refillable,
0:18:49 > 0:18:52it's not a cup, is it?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- It's a tube, if anything. - LAUGHTER
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Then he asked me to leave. That's what happened there.
0:19:00 > 0:19:05I am a comedian. I played Latitude Festival comedy tent recently.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08It was a big deal for me, it was one of the biggest gigs I've even done,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11so I thought I'd buy the brochure.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13This cost me £10. I am in here.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17My paragraph has a small but quite potent error in it.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22I'm going to read it out cos usually one or two people spot it when it happens. Here we go.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Matt Rees, cabaret arena, Friday.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Matt Rees is an award-winning British crime novelist.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:37In 1996,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40- he moved to Jerusalem... - LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:44..for love, then got divorced.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46It was inevitable, I was five.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- Erm... - LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:53The city had charmed him, not for the violence and excitement that sometimes surrounds these areas,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56but because he saw people in extreme situations.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59For his next book, based on Caravaggio,
0:19:59 > 0:20:04he is learning to paint with oils and duel with a 17th century rapier.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Now, I think what might have happened here
0:20:11 > 0:20:15is that there's two people in the world with the same name
0:20:15 > 0:20:21and the research team at Latitude decided who was more likely to be playing a comedy tent...
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- LAUGHTER - ..in Suffolk.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30- In the industry, I think this is known as a Wikipedia cock-up. - LAUGHTER
0:20:30 > 0:20:34Everybody else's is right. Elbow, the band, they were headlining.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Their blurb is fine. It doesn't say, "Elbow, hinge joint..."
0:20:37 > 0:20:40LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"..connecting the upper and lower arm."
0:20:42 > 0:20:45That's not the most annoying book I've found recently.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47I live with my parents in Wales.
0:20:47 > 0:20:52I'm 22. I went into their bedroom to see if they had a Welsh-English dictionary.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56They didn't. I did find this, though. This is The Pocket Book Of Foreplay.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58LAUGHTER
0:20:58 > 0:21:01This is real. This was published in 2011.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05- "Why's he showing us this? Let's all go quiet." - LAUGHTER
0:21:05 > 0:21:10I think if you find The Pocket Book Of Foreplay in your parents' bedroom,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13- you have to tell somebody, don't you? - LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:17If you keep shit like this to yourself, something bad is going to happen later in life, isn't it?
0:21:17 > 0:21:21Like a tumour or some poetry. So I'm sharing this with you.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24LAUGHTER
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Pocket book. Can you see that? That's the bit I don't like.
0:21:27 > 0:21:32Tell you what, as a rule, you shouldn't have a pocket book for any activity
0:21:32 > 0:21:36in which trousers are considered an obstacle. That's rule one for me.
0:21:36 > 0:21:38LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:42This is how much of a coward I am. This isn't their copy.
0:21:42 > 0:21:46I've had to buy my own. For gigs.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49Otherwise they're going to notice it's missing, aren't they?
0:21:49 > 0:21:53That's one phone call I can do without, to be honest.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56"Hey, Matt, do you mind popping back to Wales, you've got something we need."
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01I've been taking this book to gigs with me and I will say one thing for it,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04it's a brilliant book to have on your person
0:22:04 > 0:22:07if you want two seats to yourself on public transport.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11That's why my dad bought it, definitely.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16I'm going to go now, back to Jerusalem, I suppose.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- These crime novels don't write themselves, do they? - LAUGHTER
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- Cheers. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Matt Rees!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36OK!
0:22:36 > 0:22:38Now we're safe.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43We just have to hope there's not a fire
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- at the school down the road. - LAUGHTER
0:22:46 > 0:22:49I went to school once. Twice seemed too much.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53The only thing I learnt, how to part a sea of children.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:59 > 0:23:04Simple and cost-effective. It's like magic.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- Pick a card, sir. This card. - LAUGHTER
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Now, is...
0:23:10 > 0:23:13..this your card? No?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Is this your card?
0:23:16 > 0:23:19No? Is this your card?
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- No? Picky. - LAUGHTER
0:23:25 > 0:23:28This your card? This your card?
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Is this your card? These your cards?
0:23:30 > 0:23:33Any of these? Pay close attention now.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Come on, keep your eyes peeled. We're going to get through this.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38I'm here all day. None of these your card?
0:23:38 > 0:23:43- OK. Let's try these. - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:47This your card? These your cards? These your cards? No?
0:23:47 > 0:23:51Guys, get involved. It's not just about him. We're a team here.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54People tend to say...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57..Ben...
0:23:58 > 0:24:00..you bring...
0:24:01 > 0:24:04..the energy... down.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09My solution, we're going to pretend it's this wonderful man's birthday.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Now, good sir, I have, of course,
0:24:12 > 0:24:17gone out of my way to fetch you the finest cake in the land.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- The Tunnock's Teacake. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Clearly some fans in.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It is, of course, rather small.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But that's because I spent all my money...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- AUDIENCE: Aww!- ..on the candle!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45LAUGHTER
0:24:45 > 0:24:48Now then, people,
0:24:48 > 0:24:51I thought we could end on some community bonding.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55It's very simple. If you're holding a glass or you have a drink,
0:24:55 > 0:24:57just put it underneath your chair.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59And now,
0:24:59 > 0:25:03on the count of three, everybody stand up.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07One, two, up you get.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15Could you please mimic the following hand actions.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20This is what I like to call
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- high-tenning God. - LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:26Keep them up. Now then,
0:25:26 > 0:25:30I'm going to read to you from a website entitled safeconcerts.com.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- Crowd surfers... - LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:43..may have personal items stolen.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47- Not today, my friends. - LAUGHTER
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Crowd surfers may be sexually abused by audience members.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Now, looking around, I can tell exactly what you're thinking.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02"Ben, this is totally inappropriate."
0:26:02 > 0:26:04But let me tell you something.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Yes, this...
0:26:06 > 0:26:09..is... happening!
0:26:10 > 0:26:15I weigh 65 kilograms, that's a third of a hay bale.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18I am merely going to lean onto you
0:26:18 > 0:26:21and you're going to pass me all the way to the back
0:26:21 > 0:26:24and then back around to the stage.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28But the most important thing is this,
0:26:28 > 0:26:32if you're not lucky enough to be touching my body
0:26:32 > 0:26:34as I pass,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36you'd better be clapping.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41- Otherwise... I'm coming back. - LAUGHTER
0:26:41 > 0:26:43Right!
0:26:45 > 0:26:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Let's do this!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Rock and roll! Come on!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54We're all in it together!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Keep it coming. Oh, you're going to have to take me to the left,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01take me to the right, come on, guys, yes! Good work!
0:27:01 > 0:27:04You obviously trained for this as hard as I did.
0:27:04 > 0:27:07Come on, guys. Come on, push your hands up.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11It's not just about you. It's about all of us.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Yep. Almost at the back. Can you feel your hearts pumping?
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Come on, over here! Over here!
0:27:17 > 0:27:21Come on, guys, come on. Get in there. Ah, yes!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Doesn't it feel good? Does it not feel good?
0:27:25 > 0:27:28Coming back around. Coming back around again.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32It's not rock and roll, but I have to admit
0:27:32 > 0:27:34I like it very much.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36You're all right. There we go.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42A bit of a drop. Some might call it air pressure but I just like to say...
0:27:42 > 0:27:45Oh, somebody's trying to rip it off!
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Keep it coming, guys. Onto the stage. Onto the stage.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52Oh, nearly there! Had my shoe stolen.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Come on! Oh, nearly there, guys.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Yes! Ben Target, everyone!
0:28:08 > 0:28:13- Yeah! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15All that's left to say is thank you to all the acts.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18I've been Chris Ramsey and you've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21- Good night! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:26 > 0:28:26.