0:00:02 > 0:00:03Hello! I'm Chris Ramsey.
0:00:03 > 0:00:05Welcome to Comedy At The Fringe here on BBC3!
0:00:08 > 0:00:16This programme contains strong language.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:29 > 0:00:31Ye-e-es!
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Edinburgh Festival!
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Whoo!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Yes! Ooh!
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Excellent stuff. Give us a cheer if it's your first time.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48One guy!
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Mate, you look like it's the first time you've been out of the house!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53"Yeah!
0:00:53 > 0:00:56"The sky's blue!"
0:00:56 > 0:01:02Magic. We've got an amazing, amazing night. It's the maddest comedy night I've ever been part of.
0:01:02 > 0:01:07It's going to be good stuff. You've got your drink on the stage. Disrespectful. No, keep it there.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12We all built this today so you could use it as a table.
0:01:12 > 0:01:14He put it back! Fair play.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18- What's your name, pal?- Mark.- Mark? He just froze after that.
0:01:18 > 0:01:23"Mark. That's all you're getting." What have you been doing today?
0:01:23 > 0:01:28- Er...not much. - Mark's bottled it immediately.
0:01:28 > 0:01:34- What do you do? - I'm employed as of Monday.- Employed as of Monday? Congratulations!
0:01:34 > 0:01:37- CHEERING - That's amazing.
0:01:37 > 0:01:42- What did you do before?- Student. - Studying?- Geography.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46Geography. Fantastic. You found your way here. Well done.
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- What's the job? - Selling charity challenge holidays.
0:01:50 > 0:01:57Selling charity challenge holidays. Four years at university well spent there, mate.
0:01:57 > 0:02:03Right, we are going to crack on now. Please, give it up for Radio One's beatbox champion
0:02:03 > 0:02:07It's the fantastic PETEBOX!
0:02:07 > 0:02:09CHEERING
0:02:10 > 0:02:12THROBBING BASS
0:02:15 > 0:02:17DANCE BEAT BEGINS
0:02:23 > 0:02:25Ye-eah!
0:02:26 > 0:02:30So PETEBOX is going to be on and off introing acts on and stuff.
0:02:30 > 0:02:35Instead of a little CD player to get acts on, he'll do the intros.
0:02:35 > 0:02:40All good? Happy with that? You had no choice in the matter.
0:02:40 > 0:02:45But I made it look like you did. Nice if it was a democracy, but it's not.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49You're like, "If I haven't got a choice, I'm leaving."
0:02:49 > 0:02:53Are you? Good. We have got all kinds of acts tonight.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57It's stand up, it's sketch, it's musical. All kinds of acts.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03Crazy stuff, avant garde, everything. This is a slice of the Fringe for the people at home
0:03:03 > 0:03:08and for you people who just got drunk and came to something cos it said BBC.
0:03:08 > 0:03:12Are you ready for your first fantastic act?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Welcome on stage the brilliant Naz Osmanoglu!
0:03:21 > 0:03:25Hello! How are we doing? Are we well?
0:03:25 > 0:03:29Hello, Edinburgh. My name is Naz Osmanoglu. I'm half-English, half-Turkish.
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- It's very difficult being dual nationality.- Yeah!
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Hello, there. There's my dad, my mum.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36It's very difficult.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40My father is Turkish, my mother is English. They're both a bit racist,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43so I...hate myself.
0:03:43 > 0:03:47Yes, my dad is a very angry Turkish man. He's also very rude.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51He sort of makes up his own language. It's a patois.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55A combination between pidgin English and constant aggression.
0:03:55 > 0:04:02He makes up his own phrases, such as, "Shut up your face!" That means, "Please be quiet."
0:04:02 > 0:04:06"What the shit are you doing?" That means, "Lovely to meet you."
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Sometimes he just abbreviates phrases. "Fuck out!"
0:04:11 > 0:04:16My personal favourite, to be honest, is, "Fuck out, asshole!"
0:04:16 > 0:04:19Which means, "Naz, not now."
0:04:19 > 0:04:22He's very self-important, my father. Very self-important.
0:04:22 > 0:04:29He's never really used public transport. He doesn't understand how buses work.
0:04:29 > 0:04:35"No, keep going. I don't want to get off here. I have not yet reached my destination.
0:04:35 > 0:04:40"I do not want to fuck out here." Even when he hails a cab. "Please, take me home."
0:04:40 > 0:04:43He assumes people know where he lives.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48Sometimes communication totally breaks down. Especially with women.
0:04:48 > 0:04:55He was trying to compliment a lady on her perfume. It was innocent, but came out as, "I like your smell!"
0:04:55 > 0:05:00This is my father. We're similar in some ways, though.
0:05:00 > 0:05:05I'm awful with public transport. I hate it. I get overcharged by accident.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09The other day I was travelling from London Paddington to Bristol.
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I was trying to use my Young Person's Railcard, but it was void.
0:05:13 > 0:05:20They treated me like I was no longer young or a person! They charged me £169 for a return journey.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22£169!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26I want to buy a train ticket, not the fucking train!
0:05:26 > 0:05:32£169! The guy's there in the hi-vis jacket going, "No, no, no. Rules are rules. Don't shoot the messenger."
0:05:32 > 0:05:40How can I?! I can't afford a fucking gun! What kind of maniac charges £169?!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44For £169, I could fly to Greece and back...with Greece!
0:05:45 > 0:05:49For £169 I expect my own personal carriage,
0:05:49 > 0:05:54with a Jacuzzi on one end and the beach on the other!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I want a pedalo and I want a tan when I arrive!
0:05:57 > 0:06:02And for £169, do you know what else? Toilets that don't smell of pish and shit!
0:06:02 > 0:06:06Then, of course, came the inevitable delay.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11"We are sorry for the delay to this service due to all the money we have taken off you
0:06:11 > 0:06:14"weighing the train down!"
0:06:15 > 0:06:22You've been absolutely lovely. Thank you, unless you are from the train company, in which case fuck out!
0:06:22 > 0:06:26Thank you, good evening and good night. Bye bye!
0:06:27 > 0:06:32Naz Osmanoglu, everyone! What about Naz Osmanoglu?!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Are you ready for Romesh Ranganathan?
0:06:35 > 0:06:39Welcome, Romesh Ranganathan!
0:06:39 > 0:06:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Hello. I'm very excited to be here.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50WHOOPING
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- Are we enjoying the weather?- Yes! - I like the weather like this.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58I don't like extremes. Last summer where I lived, it was extremely hot.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02I was sitting in the barber's, complaining about how hot it was.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07This complete stranger turned to me and he says, "I can't believe you lot.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12"I can't believe you lot. You come over here, don't you, eh?
0:07:12 > 0:07:16"Come over here and complain about how bloody hot it is!"
0:07:16 > 0:07:22And I thought, "I am going to put this prick in his place." Assuming that I'm an immigrant!
0:07:22 > 0:07:28So I said to him, "Well, actually, sir, the climatic conditions in Crawley,
0:07:28 > 0:07:34"where I originate from are very similar to the ones that we're experiencing here.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"Just goes to show you."
0:07:40 > 0:07:46To which his genuine response was, "Bloody hell, mate! You're picking up the language brilliantly."
0:07:48 > 0:07:53So I complained about that, but in the winter one of my favourite pastimes
0:07:53 > 0:07:58is to pretend to passers-by that I've just arrived in the country
0:07:58 > 0:08:02and I'm seeing snow for the very first time.
0:08:06 > 0:08:11On a really good day, they take photographs, which is lovely.
0:08:11 > 0:08:17I'm quite an antisocial person. Life keeps telling me I shouldn't interact with anyone at all.
0:08:17 > 0:08:22I'll give you an example of this. I was on my way to a concert at the O2 -
0:08:22 > 0:08:28I'm not showing off, but things are going all right - and I was on the train
0:08:28 > 0:08:32and speaking to a mate I was meeting and I said as a bit of banter,
0:08:32 > 0:08:36"How will I know which one is the O2?"
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Not excellent, I admit, but I was oiling the wheels of conversation.
0:08:40 > 0:08:46This woman opposite me looks at me and goes, "It looks like a big tent."
0:08:46 > 0:08:50So a) she thought that I really didn't know what it looked like
0:08:50 > 0:08:55and b) she thought I wouldn't recognise it when I got there,
0:08:55 > 0:09:01like I might knock on the door of somebody's house and go, "Is Dizzee Rascal in here or what?"
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Then it occurred to me that this woman is actually trying to help me.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07I don't want to act like an idiot.
0:09:07 > 0:09:15So I thought, "How can I respond in a way that makes it look like that was the right thing for her to do?"
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So I just turned to her and said...
0:09:18 > 0:09:21COMEDY INDIAN ACCENT: Thank you very much.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25And then I remembered that she had heard the rest of the conversation.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So I just looked like a nutter.
0:09:28 > 0:09:33I, um, I used to be a teacher. You might not be able to tell. WHOOPING
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Are there teachers in?- Whoo!
0:09:35 > 0:09:39I definitely don't want to have a conversation with you.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42- I used to be a Maths teacher.- Whoo!
0:09:42 > 0:09:47Oh, my God. People are cheering Maths. I wasn't expecting that.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50The school that I taught at, they had uniform.
0:09:50 > 0:09:56They wanted us to clamp down on uniform, to make sure that shirts were tucked in et cetera.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00Don't worry about spelling and numeracy. Let's get this sorted out.
0:10:00 > 0:10:08And we had a Sixth Form at our school and telling Sixth Form lads to sort their uniform out
0:10:08 > 0:10:12is absolutely not a problem. I've got no issue with that.
0:10:12 > 0:10:18Telling Sixth Form girls to sort their uniform out is something I feel more uncomfortable about.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22I don't want to have that conversation. It's embarrassing.
0:10:22 > 0:10:28But I found if I just looked at them for long enough, they soon covered themselves up.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I mean the lazy eye helped. Just...
0:10:33 > 0:10:39And the thing is, right, the textbooks are multi-cultural.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43So every single question has got to have a black kid and a white kid.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Or a white kid and an Asian kid.
0:10:46 > 0:10:52I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to hang out with a kid of another colour
0:10:52 > 0:10:56if every time I met up with him he wanted to do bloody Maths!
0:10:56 > 0:11:02- I don't want to disappoint anybody, but I am actually married.- Awww!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Oh, piss off. I've got two children, right,
0:11:05 > 0:11:10and I've been very excited because I found a way to tell off other people's children.
0:11:10 > 0:11:17I love my children, but when you go out, you have to deal with other people's children. Very awkward.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21I don't want to tell them off, but I found a way.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25I was at the cinema recently. This kid was being a little prick.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Throwing popcorn about and stuff. His parents did nothing about it.
0:11:29 > 0:11:33So I just crouched down quietly and said, "Listen, you little shithead,
0:11:33 > 0:11:37"pull that again and I'm going to punch you in the face. Understand?"
0:11:37 > 0:11:41And then as his parents approached me and could hear, I went,
0:11:41 > 0:11:46"And that's why you shouldn't say that to brown people. OK? Sorry.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"Don't worry about it.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"Don't worry, it's fine."
0:11:51 > 0:11:55You should try it, but you'll have to brown up. It's worth it.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00I've been Romesh Ranganathan. Thank you very much! CHEERING
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Yes! Romesh Ranganathan, everyone!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05Give it up, give it up!
0:12:05 > 0:12:08We're going to do a song for you now.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11It's a love song and it's called Horse Outside.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17It's about being at a wedding and things go really well.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20# Oh
0:12:21 > 0:12:22# Oh
0:12:22 > 0:12:27# I'm fucking so in love with you
0:12:27 > 0:12:29# Ah
0:12:36 > 0:12:40# I'm at Amanda's wedding In the church on Thomas Street
0:12:40 > 0:12:45# I'm looking at a bridesmaid and she's looking back at me
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# And when the service ends I ask her if she wants a lift
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# Back to the hotel and if it goes well Finger and a shift
0:12:53 > 0:12:58# She says, "Fitzy drives a Mitzy And he offered me a spin
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# "And Enda has a Honda So I might just go with him
0:13:01 > 0:13:05# "And Derek said he'd bring me in his Subaru
0:13:05 > 0:13:09# "So what the fuck would make you think I'd wanna go with you?"
0:13:09 > 0:13:13# I said fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside
0:13:13 > 0:13:17# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside
0:13:17 > 0:13:22# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside
0:13:22 > 0:13:26# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside
0:13:26 > 0:13:30# She said, "I don't believe you" I said it's fucking true
0:13:30 > 0:13:35# I swapped him for a bag of yokes in 1992
0:13:35 > 0:13:39# I don't need insurance I don't need no parking space
0:13:39 > 0:13:43# And if you try to clamp my horse He'll kick you in the face
0:13:43 > 0:13:47# I don't pay no tax Fuck MOT
0:13:47 > 0:13:51# You'll arrive in style if you ride with me
0:13:51 > 0:13:56# And the boys are walking over Jingling their keys
0:13:56 > 0:14:00# I look the fuckers up and down And give them one of these
0:14:00 > 0:14:04# I said fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside
0:14:04 > 0:14:08# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside
0:14:08 > 0:14:13# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside
0:14:13 > 0:14:17# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside
0:14:17 > 0:14:21# Giddy up now, baby Bless my soul
0:14:21 > 0:14:25# I rode the fucker off the field Since he was a foal
0:14:25 > 0:14:29# He runs a bit like Shergar And he jumps like Tir na Nog
0:14:29 > 0:14:33# He looks like Billie Piper after half an ounce of coke
0:14:33 > 0:14:37# And the boys are looking jealous As I lead Joanne away
0:14:37 > 0:14:41# And just before I close the door I look at her and say
0:14:41 > 0:14:45# Would you be my girl She says, "I will, of course
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# "If you grab me by the ponytail and ride me like a horse"
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# Fuck your Honda Civic I've a horse outside
0:14:53 > 0:14:58# Fuck your Subaru I have a horse outside
0:14:58 > 0:15:02# And fuck your Mitsubishi I've a horse outside
0:15:02 > 0:15:06# If you're looking for a ride I've a horse outside
0:15:06 > 0:15:11# Giddy up now, baby Giddy up now, baby
0:15:11 > 0:15:15# Giddy up, giddy up Giddy up and get back, ow!
0:15:15 > 0:15:17# Giddy up
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# Giddy up, giddy up
0:15:20 > 0:15:24# Giddy up, giddy up My fucking horse, yeah. #
0:15:24 > 0:15:27Thank you very much!
0:15:27 > 0:15:31We're the Rubberbandits. You're lovely! Good night!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Let me hear you shout, "Janey!"
0:15:40 > 0:15:44How are we doing, people? CROWD CHEER
0:15:44 > 0:15:48My name is Janey. I am from the East End of Glasgow.
0:15:48 > 0:15:52I come from a place where an Oxo cube is a starter.
0:15:52 > 0:15:58I'm from a place where the Catholics hate the Protestants, the Protestants hate the Catholics,
0:15:58 > 0:16:02occasionally a brown person turned up and took the heat off everybody.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Good on you.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Also, just to let you know,
0:16:07 > 0:16:12that as a mother, I've got a child. I know you're thinking, "How did that happen?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:17- I'm 51 and I've reached an age... - Aww!- I know, this skin is beautiful.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- I love you, Janey! - You're scaring me, Mum! So...
0:16:22 > 0:16:26It's weird, cos my mum's dead. Anyway...
0:16:26 > 0:16:32I've reached a brilliant age at 51. Amazing. When I was 30, I was terrified people wouldn't like me.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36"Hello, look at me. Come to my house for dinner."
0:16:36 > 0:16:42At 40 I'd have you round for tea. Now at 51 I've realised I don't fecking like anybody.
0:16:42 > 0:16:48Get oot ma hoose. I only like five folk. One came oot me, one goes in me and the others are comedians.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50CHEERING
0:16:50 > 0:16:54And most of them have been here tonight, so, yeah,
0:16:54 > 0:17:01my daughter, Ashley, she's 26 and she went to a private school in Glasgow. I'm working class,
0:17:01 > 0:17:08she's middle class. She likes couscous. I thought it was a disease if you touched a Castlemilk boy.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10But...
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Ashley went to a private school. 75 grand's worth of private education.
0:17:15 > 0:17:21That's a lot of heroin to shift. I'm joking. I owned a pub. Same effect, different drug.
0:17:21 > 0:17:28Anyway, Ashley went to a posh school and, as you can tell, I'm not really one of those mothers
0:17:28 > 0:17:30that can bake.
0:17:30 > 0:17:35I'm no' a posh wummin. You know wummin with a scarf for every day?
0:17:35 > 0:17:42You know wummin who bake? I don't understand that. Buy a cake. They sell that shit in the shops.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47Seriously, just buy it. Who's blending flour into sugar? Are you mad?
0:17:47 > 0:17:53You know the kind of woman you and I know has never had sex up against a fridge?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Come on! We're Scottish!
0:17:55 > 0:18:01We can have sex up against a fridge and fry an omelette.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05"As soon as you've finished, mate, there's some fried goods."
0:18:05 > 0:18:10These women hated me. They used to look at me and go, "I know who you are.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14"You're that little girl's mum. The comedienne."
0:18:14 > 0:18:19I'd say, "Actually, I'm a hooker and your husband owes me a fiver."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21No, I'm not in with them.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27So I love...I love men. When you see females stand-ups, you always assume they hate men. I love men.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31I'll tell you why I love men. Men like five things.
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Their house, their kids, their job, they like sex and sausages.
0:18:35 > 0:18:39And see if you show them a picture of a shark, they're o'er the moon.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44There isnae a man here in this room if you said, "I'm gonnae gie you sex and a sausage
0:18:44 > 0:18:51"and then show you a shark," he'd be like, "I'm gonnae tile your bathroom, bitch!" Totally.
0:18:51 > 0:18:58Men love that stuff. I love the fact that men love sex and sausages and sharks.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02In fact, I think that would be the cue for world peace.
0:19:02 > 0:19:07And if Kofi Annan ever has time off, I will go to the Middle East, stand on a car,
0:19:07 > 0:19:14get a loudspeaker and go, "Everybody calm down! We've got sex and sausages.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Clearly not pork. That would be offensive.
0:19:17 > 0:19:24"And then we'll gie you a shark." I tell you, the al-Qaeda would be like that.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28"I'm done wi' this noo." Obviously no' with a Scottish accent.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34"I'm done wi' this. There's a woman gonnae gie us sex and sausages
0:19:34 > 0:19:38"and I'm gonnae find oot what a shark is." Brilliant.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Women are different. Women approach a relationship like this.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44CLICKING
0:19:44 > 0:19:48"I'm an emotional Rubik's cube. Can you work me out yet?"
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Poor men are like, "Eh, I'll feckin' gie it a go."
0:19:54 > 0:19:58"Are you pullin' the stickers off that?" "No!
0:19:58 > 0:20:04"I just cannae work that oot. Can I just have sex and a sausage, please?"
0:20:06 > 0:20:10I'm gonnae end on this. I'm 50. I thought last year I was pregnant.
0:20:10 > 0:20:17Absolutely terrifying. Nobody wants to be pregnant at 50. I said to Ashley, "I think I'm pregnant."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20She said, "It's no' mine."
0:20:20 > 0:20:23You're a weird child. That's why I love you.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28And then I ran to the chemist and, like every woman in this room,
0:20:28 > 0:20:33the minute you pay £25 for a pregnancy test, you're like, "I better be pregnant noo."
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Came hame, peed on it, gave it to Ashley,
0:20:37 > 0:20:41cos she has to watch it cos I have to have a fight with my man.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45"You! This is your fault." "It's no' ma fault!"
0:20:45 > 0:20:51My husband's got Asperger's. I have sex with a man who shouts, "Is that written in a black pen?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:53So horny.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54Ooh.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03And then...Ashley came out and said, "Mum! It's got two lines on it! You're pregnant!"
0:21:03 > 0:21:07I went, "Oh!" My husband made that noise that all men make.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10He went..."Yay." LAUGHTER
0:21:10 > 0:21:15And then Ashley went, "Ha ha! I'm joking! I drew a line on it."
0:21:15 > 0:21:19My husband went, "Is that in a black pen?"
0:21:20 > 0:21:22Guys...
0:21:24 > 0:21:29Thank you very much. You've been nice. I've been Janey. Yeah!
0:21:29 > 0:21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Please go crazy, go wild for this fantastic guy. An Australian man.
0:21:36 > 0:21:42He's brilliant, he's crazy. You're going to love him. Mr Sam Simmons, everyone!
0:21:42 > 0:21:43CHEERING
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Thank you.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Aw. Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56Welcome to me doing some things!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- CHEERING #- Things!- #
0:21:58 > 0:22:02No, you missed the sound cue. Welcome to me doing some things!
0:22:02 > 0:22:04- #- Things!- #
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Things. Don't clap that. It's not good.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Most of the stories you're about to hear right now are real. Only some of the names, contents, words
0:22:14 > 0:22:19- and actual stories have been changed to make them better. #- Make them better!- #
0:22:19 > 0:22:24- I may or may not say cupboard wank. #- Cupboard wank!- #
0:22:24 > 0:22:31- Before I actually get into it, I've got some rules. #- Rules!- #
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- May I please have some rules music? #- Rules music!- #
0:22:34 > 0:22:37RHYTHMIC BEAT
0:22:38 > 0:22:42CLAPPING ALONG Don't clap! It's not kindy!
0:22:46 > 0:22:53These are the rules for tonight. Rule Number One: no running with scissors at the gig!
0:22:57 > 0:23:01If you run with scissors, you're liable to snip a nipple.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03Snipple!
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Rule Number Two:
0:23:08 > 0:23:14If you're a horticulturalist and brought a rake along tonight, make sure you keep it horizontal.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19You don't want to obscure the gig for people sitting behind you.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24No? All right. Fair enough.
0:23:24 > 0:23:30Rule Number Three: no molesting people at the gig! Unless you know them, then molest away!
0:23:32 > 0:23:38Rule Number Four: if you brought a moth along tonight, make sure he's wearing little tiny shorts.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Safety first!
0:23:43 > 0:23:47Rule Number Five: there will be no Viennetta! NO VIENNETTA!
0:23:50 > 0:23:52Don't do that!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Hang on. Turn off the music, man.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01That's a Meximo.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05It's like a Meximo...
0:24:05 > 0:24:09Well, it's... Like an Eskimo/Mexican hybrid.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11It's not PC, a Meximo.
0:24:11 > 0:24:17It's like an Inuit Latino or an Inuino... That's more appropriate.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23That's Clayton. He can't find his backpack anywhere.
0:24:29 > 0:24:34And there's a mystical vortex in the egg compartment in the fridge.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39That's some hard-core toast.
0:24:42 > 0:24:48This is when I went to Sea World on the Gold Coast and accidentally touched a dolphin on the eyeball.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Then they made me go away from Sea World forever.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55OK.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Knock knock!- Who's there?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Come on! KNOCK KNOCK!- WHO'S THERE?
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Fridge!- Fridge who?- Fridge Cat!
0:25:08 > 0:25:12This is me showing off. It's just a really good picture.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14A starfish yelling at a hand.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18No? All right.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22AAAAAAARGH!
0:25:24 > 0:25:26AUDIENCE GROAN
0:25:29 > 0:25:32That's the wrong way to milk a cow.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36No! That would have been the first way! They didn't know to do that.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46That reminds me of... You've got those shops over here. Poundsaver.
0:25:46 > 0:25:49Poundland. Always got stupid names.
0:25:49 > 0:25:55One in Edinburgh's called Thistle Do Nicely. Terrible shop. They sell useless stuff, redundant items.
0:25:55 > 0:26:01Go into one of those shops. They've got crazy names in Australia. Crazy Clinton's Bargain Warehouse.
0:26:01 > 0:26:06Anyway, you go on in. This is fun. You look for the most redundant item you can find.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13I found this - a ceramic reindeer standing on a grassy mound with a thermometer out of the side.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17You know when you need a reindeer thermometer heaps quick? No?
0:26:17 > 0:26:23I wander back four days later and I say, "Excuse me, sir. I'm looking for something in a reindeer.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28"Doesn't have to be a reindeer. Any type of hooved animal.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"But it has to have some type of measurement of weather attached."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36He lost his mind! "Oh, my God! I've got exactly that item!"
0:26:37 > 0:26:43When he brings it back, just go, "It's kind of like what I was looking for..."
0:26:46 > 0:26:49That's where macaroons come from.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54A Shetland person.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00This is a fun game - wood, wood, not wood. We played when I was a kid.
0:27:00 > 0:27:05Two unrelatable items of wood and one that's not wood.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Wood!
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Wood!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Not wood!
0:27:10 > 0:27:15It's fun. Now what's going on here?
0:27:15 > 0:27:21This fella here, he's accidentally drunk an entire bottle of dishwashing detergent. OK?
0:27:21 > 0:27:26And then the natural progression of that is what happens after that.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29He shubbles, shubbles.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Shubbles.
0:27:35 > 0:27:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:45That's Sam Simmons, everyone!
0:27:48 > 0:27:54All that's left to say is thank you to all of tonight's acts. You've been watching Comedy At The Fringe!
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Good night!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd