0:00:03 > 0:00:07I'm Chris Ramsey and these are some comedians from this year's Edinburgh Festival!
0:00:07 > 0:00:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:16 > 0:00:26This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34So, give me a cheer if you've been to the Fringe before.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36CHEERING
0:00:36 > 0:00:39So, we've got another selection of absolutely fantastic comics
0:00:39 > 0:00:40and acts coming up.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Oh, oh, you're just coming back in there!
0:00:43 > 0:00:45All right, no-one saw you, mate! It's OK.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47You looked like you were violently and terrifiedly
0:00:47 > 0:00:49looking for some money you'd dropped!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHUCKLING
0:00:51 > 0:00:52LAUGHTER
0:00:52 > 0:00:55The almost-falling-over run.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Just a bit what? Pissed? Good, I'm glad you are.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- CHEERING - Good, yeah. People normally go, "I'm drunk, fuck you!"
0:01:02 > 0:01:05He went, "I'm just a bit drunk. I'm terribly sorry."
0:01:05 > 0:01:08- Don't you apologise, you enjoy yourself, mate! - CHEERING
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Well, you WERE apologising, don't go back on it! What's your name, pal?
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Hugo.- Hugo, of course it is. Hugo! Holy shit.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- LAUGHTER - Don't you dare tell me you're from Edinburgh.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- More or less.- More or less?!
0:01:20 > 0:01:22You sound like you're from Surrey - what the hell's going on?
0:01:22 > 0:01:27- Scottish people, I wouldn't be standing for that. I'd be furious! - LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:29What we're going to do, we are going to crack on now.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31Please, go crazy, go wild,
0:01:31 > 0:01:35go mental and raise the roof for the brilliant Jimeoin!
0:01:35 > 0:01:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:44 > 0:01:47IRISH ACCENT: Thank you. Hello, thank you. Thank you very much.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Thank you very much. How are we all? Good? Yes!
0:01:50 > 0:01:51CHEERING
0:01:51 > 0:01:54As if I care. No, I do. Erm...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I have a strong accent, I'm sorry about this. Ha!
0:01:58 > 0:02:02Bit shy at the start and I tend to mumble quite a bit too so...
0:02:02 > 0:02:06MUMBLES: Ha-ha, good luck with yous anyway, to even know the half of it would be good! Ha-ha!
0:02:06 > 0:02:08HE MUMBLES ..so I did!
0:02:08 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:14I am, I am a bit shy at the start.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Takes me a little bit of time just to get going, you know?
0:02:17 > 0:02:18Like, you know when you go and see a band
0:02:18 > 0:02:21and you want to cut loose, you want to really enjoy yourself
0:02:21 > 0:02:24but you're just aware of yourself and all you can do is this...
0:02:25 > 0:02:28LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:32..and you're talking to yourself. "Come on, go, you can do this!"
0:02:35 > 0:02:38And there's that girl that starts dancing before everybody else
0:02:38 > 0:02:41but she CAN'T dance. She's doing this...
0:02:45 > 0:02:46She even stuffed the band up.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49They can't even play in time any more. They're just...
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:02:59Oh...
0:02:59 > 0:03:00Good to be alive, isn't it?
0:03:02 > 0:03:03Tedious, though.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Gets to the point where it's just the same shit over and over again.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Certain jobs in life remind you of that, isn't it?
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Putting the bins out is very much one of those jobs.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19Standing in the street going, "I hate this. Putting the bins out."
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Sneaking rubbish into other people's bins...
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER ..I enjoy that...
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Bit of fun to be had there!
0:03:29 > 0:03:32I hate it when I'm in bed and then I realise I haven't put the bins out.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35"F...! Bin night!" Back out of bed, clothes back on.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43Or bin morning, when you're in a deep sleep
0:03:43 > 0:03:46and you can hear the bin truck and you haven't put the bins out. LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:48"Oh!"
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Running down the street, naked, with two bins behind you.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00That's no way to start the day, is it?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Job I hate the most in life - you know when you go to bed at night
0:04:04 > 0:04:06and you open the bedroom door...
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and there is no sheets on the bed.
0:04:08 > 0:04:09GROANING
0:04:09 > 0:04:12No pillow slip, no cover and you're like, "Oh, no!"
0:04:14 > 0:04:17"I only left enough strength to get to bed.
0:04:18 > 0:04:22"I wasn't picturing having to do this at this time of night!"
0:04:22 > 0:04:24You can't believe what you're looking at.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It's the bare mattress, is like a slab in a mortuary,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29it's the opposite of what you're expecting.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35You have to get everything off the bed, get everything off the bed...
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Fitted sheets first. Fitted sheet won't play the game.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42You can't unravel it, you don't know what corner's what -
0:04:42 > 0:04:45you could have a false start.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47And, you know, you have to walk around the bed -
0:04:47 > 0:04:50it's at that bad-back height.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Walking around the bed trying to put the fitted sheet on,
0:04:52 > 0:04:53talking to your partner going,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56"Fuck, we had the whole day to do this!"
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You have to lift the mattress up, get your knee in underneath.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09It's like a drum. The cat won't clear off it.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12CHUCKLING
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's cos he's underneath the sheet.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Pillow slips are next.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Yeah, I sit down and have a rest for those.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Sigh before I start.
0:05:27 > 0:05:28HE SIGHS
0:05:30 > 0:05:34Cos you're a long way from home...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37you got the cover to do next!
0:05:37 > 0:05:39How do you do the cover?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41You're not too sure what you're doing, are you?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44There's a woman with an option. What do you do, love?
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Inside out!- Inside out?
0:05:46 > 0:05:49CHEERING Turn inside out...
0:05:49 > 0:05:52grab the corners, grab the two corners, yes.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55But there's heavy wafting in that technique, isn't there?
0:06:00 > 0:06:01I like it.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04I know you're on your own. No-one to help you.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I climb inside the cover. LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Climb right inside it - who's with me?
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Pull the quilt in with me, grab the two corners and then go...
0:06:15 > 0:06:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:23 > 0:06:26I've slept inside the covers.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27Pissed.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30Pillow slip over my head.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32Ha!
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Dreamt I was in the Ku Klux Klan.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Paisley version.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44We were nice.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I like to go to bed before my partner,
0:06:46 > 0:06:48get her book - she's got a page folded back.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51I go back about ten pages, fold that page back.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Very funny.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Watch her reading with that look on her face.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07"This all seems very familiar." LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:13"Are you laughing?" "No, I'm having a wank."
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's the only joy I get out of life these days.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Winding my wife up.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Another time, she was in the bedroom,
0:07:28 > 0:07:31I went into the bathroom to freshen up...!
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Got me nuts into the sink.
0:07:33 > 0:07:34LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:07:37 > 0:07:39As you do.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40You always have to get up on your tiptoes
0:07:40 > 0:07:42to get your nuts in the sink.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Doesn't matter what sink it is, always up on your tiptoes.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51It's properly how the plumber measured the height of the sink.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07No - a plumber with a saw?
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It's ridiculous!
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Anyway, that's all from me. Thank you very much, enjoy the rest of your night.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:21 > 0:08:24Hello, everyone, how are we? Are we well?
0:08:24 > 0:08:25CHEERING
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Yes, it's good to have some people in here tonight.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30How many Scots have we got in? Give me a cheer if you're Scottish!
0:08:30 > 0:08:31CHEERING
0:08:31 > 0:08:33I could tell by the rumble of drunkenness in the room.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- I knew that. I'm from Glasgow, it's nice being in Edinburgh...- Woo!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40One "Woo!" That's my mum. Thank you.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43She didn't know I was her son, so that's surprising.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46I like being Scottish in Edinburgh when the Festival's on
0:08:46 > 0:08:49cos you see a lot of tourists, and the tourists hear the accent,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and you get American tourists on the Royal Mile.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54And I had two approach me going, "Are you from...? Are you from...?"
0:08:54 > 0:08:56I don't why I gave this woman a stroke now,
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"Are you from, are you from...? Can't feel my arm.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- "Are you... I smell toast." This woman's dead. - LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:05"Are you from...?" Thanks for the single applause there,
0:09:05 > 0:09:07that was a doctor trying to find a vein.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Erm, "Are you, are you from Scotland?"
0:09:09 > 0:09:11I'm like, "Yes! I'm from Scotland!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14She's deaf now, as well. And, erm, I said I'm from Gla...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Are you from Glasgow?" "Yes, I'm from Glasgow."
0:09:16 > 0:09:19And she said to me, she said, "Is Glasgow the same as Edinburgh?"
0:09:19 > 0:09:20I was like, "What do you mean?"
0:09:20 > 0:09:22She went, "Well, the tourists in Edinburgh,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"we go for a ghost walk at night, can you do that in Glasgow?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:29"Well, you can go for a walk at night in Glasgow -
0:09:29 > 0:09:32"you'll end up the ghost! Be my guest, love."
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- LAUGHTER - She never came through.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Do you know what I like as well?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I like the fact the Olympics were on and Scotland embraced that.
0:09:38 > 0:09:39I thought that was good.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42I think part of it was the fact that we had some events in Scotland.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45We had the Olympic football at Hampden Park -
0:09:45 > 0:09:47still managed to mess that up but, hey!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49If you're going to piss off certain countries in the world,
0:09:49 > 0:09:53try not to make it North Korea, is that all right?
0:09:53 > 0:09:55We had the North Korean ladies' football team
0:09:55 > 0:09:57walk out to the wrong flag.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00I mean, if you're going to get the wrong flag make it Estonia,
0:10:00 > 0:10:01Belgium, have a laugh!
0:10:01 > 0:10:03Don't put South Korea up there!
0:10:03 > 0:10:06There's a wee guy in charge of the flags going,
0:10:06 > 0:10:10"What, North Korea, South Korea, nae career, I'm finished, right!"
0:10:10 > 0:10:12It was at that moment the British Olympics
0:10:12 > 0:10:14became the Scottish Olympics - what a night, it was great!
0:10:14 > 0:10:16LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:10:16 > 0:10:19We loved it, and they came out, and they tried...
0:10:19 > 0:10:22It was like that, they were trying to compare it to how it would be,
0:10:22 > 0:10:25"It would be like the Scotland team walking out to the England flag."
0:10:25 > 0:10:27I know we have a bit of banter but it's hardly the same thing!
0:10:27 > 0:10:29By that comparison you're saying Scotland
0:10:29 > 0:10:31is some kind of backward nation,
0:10:31 > 0:10:33it is a cold, depressing place with a small leader
0:10:33 > 0:10:36that wants to take over the world, with access to nuclear weap...
0:10:36 > 0:10:39Actually, it is quite similar, to be fair.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42- Now I think about it. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:43 > 0:10:45It's got a lot going on there but I love it, I love Scotland.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47I love the fact that we're proud of who we are,
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I love the fact we watched the Olympic opening ceremony with pride
0:10:51 > 0:10:53and we loved it - apart from one small group of people.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54The small group of people in Glasgow
0:10:54 > 0:10:58who are tasked with organising the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony
0:10:58 > 0:11:02in two years. Watching how good that was, going, "Oh, shite!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:07"Gonnae cancel the Krankies! It's no' gonnae work, right?
0:11:07 > 0:11:08"Get the big guns -
0:11:08 > 0:11:12- "have you got the number for SuBo and Lorraine Kelly?" - LAUGHTER
0:11:12 > 0:11:13Yes, we have the Commonwealth Games.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15The next big sporting event in Britain,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17it two years' time, there, in Glasgow!
0:11:17 > 0:11:19We've no idea how we won the bid!
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Think the organisers turned up in Glasgow,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23saw all of us walking about in tracksuits
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and thought, "Oh, they must be sporty!"
0:11:26 > 0:11:27DES LAUGHS
0:11:27 > 0:11:31"Gie's yer wallet, there's 100 metres! Thanks, mate!"
0:11:31 > 0:11:32We love it.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34We watched the last Commonwealth Games from Delhi, in India.
0:11:34 > 0:11:39They came on TV and went, "These are the most violent and aggressive Commonwealth Games of all time."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Us in Glasgow went, "Aye, we'll see about that, big man!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44"We've all got our own javelins, get it up ye, right?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I love the little stories that come out of this.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50There's a little woman in the East End of Glasgow.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52They're trying to move her out of her house
0:11:52 > 0:11:54to build the stuff for the Commonwealth Games
0:11:54 > 0:11:58and she did this reaction that certain women of a certain age have when they want to prove a point.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00They move their head side to side when they're angry,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"Don't you talk to me!"
0:12:03 > 0:12:04"I'm not moving..."
0:12:04 > 0:12:07It's the opposite of guys trying to chat ladies up.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10They move their heads forward, like pigeon. "Oh, like to have sex?"
0:12:10 > 0:12:11Right? "Don't talk to me!"
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Between the two you've got all the compass points covered, it's great!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17This little woman's like that, "I'm not moving house!"
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I think good on that woman, she's lived there all her life.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22They should be forced to build the whole Commonwealth Games
0:12:22 > 0:12:24around that wee woman! I think that would be brilliant.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27She should live in the sandpit for the long jump, I'd love that!
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Come out every two minutes, "That was NEVER eight metres, you wank!"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33I'd love that!
0:12:33 > 0:12:37Listen, I need to go in a minute. I need the toilet but...
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It's been lovely to speak to you people tonight.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You will notice, the visitors that ever come
0:12:41 > 0:12:44and visit this great country, is that we're very lovable and friendly
0:12:44 > 0:12:47but we're accidentally aggressive to each other.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Don't mind that, that's nothing wrong.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51We're aggressive to each other even in couples.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53I had an ex-girlfriend argue with me one night, she hated me.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Half an hour she went on, she went, "Your eyelashes..."
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Sorry, "Your eyelashes are too long!"
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- "Gonnae have sex with me," right? - LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:05She's right, the eyelashes ARE too long.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07There's nothing I can do about that.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"Your eyelashes are too long, that's not fair,
0:13:09 > 0:13:10"they don't belong on a guy!"
0:13:10 > 0:13:13I'm like, "I say nothing about your moustache, what's the problem?"
0:13:15 > 0:13:18You've been amazing, Edinburgh. I'll see you again soon.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21- Thanks very much, good night! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:21 > 0:13:24We've got two guys, two fantastic guys coming to the stage now.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27They're called Totally Tom, they were also nominated last year,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29for Best Newcomer at the Edinburgh Fringe Awards
0:13:29 > 0:13:30so please go crazy, go wild,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33welcome to the stage the brilliant Totally Tom!
0:13:33 > 0:13:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:42 > 0:13:44Dead man walking!
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Convict, step forward!
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Now, we're going to walk you through this, kid, like we rehearsed.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- I'm nervous.- Course you are, kid. You're about to be killed.- Ha!
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Convict has had his last meal.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Doritos and cream cheese - heavy on the cream cheese.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05- Are you satisfied?- No. Made me all thirsty.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08I'm sorry, there's no such thing as a last drink.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10Well, I wish I'd ordered something different.
0:14:10 > 0:14:14Convict will now say his last words.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You know when...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20You know...
0:14:22 > 0:14:24You know that guy from...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27- Convict...- No, you wait!
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- SQUEAKS:- You know...?
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Nah.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40Convict will now be played his last song. Track three!
0:14:43 > 0:14:48Convict will now perform his last interpretive dance! As rehearsed.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56# And I'd give up for ever to touch you
0:14:57 > 0:15:01# Cos I know that you feel me somehow
0:15:01 > 0:15:04# You're the closest to heaven... #
0:15:04 > 0:15:08Prison guard will now involve himself in interpretive dance! As rehearsed.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Good luck, kid.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# All I could taste is this moment
0:15:16 > 0:15:21# And all I can breathe is your life
0:15:21 > 0:15:25# And sooner or later it's over
0:15:25 > 0:15:29# I just don't want to miss you tonight
0:15:29 > 0:15:34# And I don't want the world to see me
0:15:34 > 0:15:39# Cos I don't think that they'd understand
0:15:39 > 0:15:44# When everything's made to be broken
0:15:44 > 0:15:48# I just want you to know who I am... #
0:15:48 > 0:15:50MUSIC CONTINUES
0:16:00 > 0:16:03THEY MOVE IN TIME TO THE DRUMBEATS
0:16:37 > 0:16:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:40 > 0:16:43Now, er, may I just say what an honour that was
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- to dance with you, kid. - And may I just say...
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# And I don't want the world to see me... #
0:16:50 > 0:16:53We're Totally Tom! Thank you! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Totally Tom! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:00 > 0:17:04Hello, how are you? How's it going?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Hello, my name is Eleanor, I'm a comedian from Ireland.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11I present a television programme over there.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Yeah, it's where I take Irish celebrities
0:17:13 > 0:17:17and find out what the ancestors were doing during the famine.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22We call it Who Do You Think You Ate?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Give me a cheer if you drive a car.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29CHEERING Excellent, excellent.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31I have a little tip for you, people.
0:17:31 > 0:17:37Here's how anybody at all can park in the mother-and-baby spot, OK?
0:17:37 > 0:17:42What you do is you park there, you go in, you get your shopping,
0:17:42 > 0:17:46you come back out, and that's when somebody will strike.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49OK, somebody is going to come over to you at that point and they'll go,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51"Excuse me...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55"you're supposed to be a mother and a baby to park there."
0:17:56 > 0:18:00At this point your acting ability must kick in.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02What you have to do now is go...
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"Oh, no!"
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"I'm after losing her!"
0:18:13 > 0:18:15They get upset for you then.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18They'll be like, "You've lost your baby?!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:21And you can be like, "No, I've lost my mother."
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I think that I would have made an excellent supermodel
0:18:26 > 0:18:28if I'd been given the chance
0:18:28 > 0:18:30because there is a technique to supermodelling
0:18:30 > 0:18:34that supermodels must have to learn at some point in their careers
0:18:34 > 0:18:36but I figured it out all on my own.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39The technique is that when you're walking down the catwalk
0:18:39 > 0:18:41you must walk down the catwalk
0:18:41 > 0:18:44as if you have something very important to tell everyone
0:18:44 > 0:18:47but at the very last minute you decide that they wouldn't understand.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Here we go.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56- MAN:- Woo!
0:19:04 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Does anybody here know a television programme called America's Next Top Model?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17CHEERING It's brilliant. There's America's, Canada's, Britain's, Australia's -
0:19:17 > 0:19:21I am dying to see the Irish version of America's Next Top Model.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25Except for Ireland doesn't really have a top model
0:19:25 > 0:19:29so I think it would have to be called Ireland's First Half-Decent Model.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:33I think I would be a good hostess for that show.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36When the job comes up I'm going to go for it.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37I'd get up there and say things like,
0:19:37 > 0:19:42"Fiona...you came here...a shy,
0:19:42 > 0:19:47"nervous, impressionable girl from Waterford
0:19:47 > 0:19:49"and now you're full of shit..."
0:19:51 > 0:19:54"..but we're not seeing it in your photographs."
0:19:56 > 0:19:58"Claire, from Cork,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"we sent you to meet one of the world's top fashion designers.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05"You showed up hammered drunk, parked illegally
0:20:05 > 0:20:09"and put your head through the windscreen of a traffic warden's van.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12"You walked into that boardroom with bits of glass in your hair
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"and blood streaming from your left eye,
0:20:15 > 0:20:18"and you told John Paul Gaultier to go fuck himself..."
0:20:20 > 0:20:21"Fair play to you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23"You're still in with a shout of becoming
0:20:23 > 0:20:25"Ireland's First Half-Decent Model."
0:20:29 > 0:20:34Folks, I've been Eleanor Tiernan, thank you so much. Goodbye! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:38Next act coming to the stage - are we ready?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:40 > 0:20:41Oh, I love you people, I swear!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Next act coming to the stage is Big D. Go crazy, go wild for Big D!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE, MUSIC STARTS
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- RAPS:- What you say your name was? You know you're sexy right now?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53You and your girls
0:20:53 > 0:20:54You're a good girl
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Why don't you take off your jacket?
0:20:56 > 0:20:58What's your name, baby?
0:20:58 > 0:21:03Word. OK. Tell your friend...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I didn't ask them to play any music.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Easy, what's going on? Is everyone feeling so good?
0:21:11 > 0:21:12CHEERING
0:21:12 > 0:21:15It worked. Erm, er...
0:21:15 > 0:21:19None of yous lot could hear what was going on backstage, could you? No?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22See, I wasn't crying, anyways. Ha-ha-ha!
0:21:22 > 0:21:26And even if I was it's probably just cos I was thirsty, like.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30Sometimes you've just got to get high of your own supply, like.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32"High" as in hydrated!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Erm, I'm going to have to be, like,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37deadly serious with you lot for a second, though, yeah?
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Erm, well, I'm kind of pranging out
0:21:39 > 0:21:42and getting a bit panicky and shit but, erm...
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Well, for two reasons -
0:21:43 > 0:21:46number one, I didn't know that I was going to be surrounded by scaffolding
0:21:46 > 0:21:49when I came on stage like this. It's kind of egging me out, like.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I thought they would have built the stage by the time I came on stage.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55We're nearly at the end of the night, innit, and it's still there.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I keep expecting a builder to, like, fall on my head, innit?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02They should have given me a hard hat but instead they just put some Sellotape on my hat
0:22:02 > 0:22:05and that's not going to protect me from anything, like.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Erm, and the second thing is that I didn't know
0:22:09 > 0:22:14that this whole comedy thing tonight was going to be, like, a...
0:22:14 > 0:22:16comedy thing, tonight.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Erm, and not actually a comedian.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Ha-ha-ha!
0:22:20 > 0:22:25Erm, I'm actually, I'm a musician, like an MC, like, a beat maker,
0:22:25 > 0:22:27like, erm, a "rapsmith", if you will.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Smithing raps.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32Erm, so, yeah, I don't really know what to do.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Like, when I got to the front door the guy was like,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37"Oh, yeah, you know it's comedy?" And I was like...
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I said to him, I went, "What, man?!"
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Just cos I was so shocked at the situation, like,
0:22:43 > 0:22:44I swear, I just pranged out.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47I ran out the studio, like, just running around saying, like,
0:22:47 > 0:22:48"Oh, no!"
0:22:48 > 0:22:53Just cos I was so, like, confronted by the situation but, like, I did,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56like, although, I'm here now, so, I could just do a tune, innit?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Is everyone comfy of hearing a tune?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00CHEERING
0:23:00 > 0:23:04I ain't never had a response like that before, I'm telling you!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06This is, like, 20 times the size of the audience.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Wait, how many, how much is one into 100?
0:23:10 > 0:23:12Anyways, but yeah, so, I'll do a tune.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15OK, so... But I don't have my DJ.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Sir, could you come up on stage for one second? Is that cool?
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Yeah, yeah, come on up. Give him a round of applause, innit?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22I'll tell you what you're going to do in one second
0:23:22 > 0:23:25but I need you lot, you're not all off the hook!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27There's going to be some audience partici-cation -
0:23:27 > 0:23:30I don't know if you've heard of that. It's just really fun for you, innit?
0:23:30 > 0:23:32The tune is called Boys And Girls, yeah?
0:23:32 > 0:23:34CHEERING
0:23:34 > 0:23:36You know it? Shit.
0:23:36 > 0:23:41OK, so when I say "boys" I need all the boys in the house to say, "Yeah."
0:23:41 > 0:23:43Is that cool? Everyone got that? So I say boys.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44- ALL:- Yeah!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46You're not a boy! TITTERING
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Unless I'm mistaken, like! But that was... One more time, boys!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- BOYS:- Yeah! - Sick. You lot got it down, man.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56We should all meet up and just do that together one time.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Just say yeah, innit? Be really weird.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00I don't know, probably quite boring. Anyways...
0:24:00 > 0:24:02When I say "girls," I need the girls in the house to go...
0:24:02 > 0:24:04IN HIGH VOICE: "What is it?"
0:24:04 > 0:24:07And that's, "What is it?", and that's the thing, we don't know,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09that's why it's so intriguing.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11OK, so it's, "What is it?" So, I say, "Girls".
0:24:11 > 0:24:13- GIRLS:- What is it?
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Tingles, like!
0:24:15 > 0:24:17You lot said, "What is it?" before, like? Snap.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- OK, cool, OK, so, you lot done. So I say "boys". BOYS:- Yeah!
0:24:21 > 0:24:23- Girls! GIRLS:- What is it? - Snap! You got it!
0:24:23 > 0:24:27OK, so, what I need from you, sir, basically, I have no natural sense of rhythm,
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I need you to just do, like, a steady clap for me.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Just like a... Yeah, yet you got it. OK, just a bit better.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37Just a little. OK. All right. OK.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39OK, now, just slow it down.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40OK, just take it right down.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42No, ridiculously slow.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Take it down, man. Slow. Slow. Slow. Slow.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Now, we're getting somewhere.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Bruv, take it right down. You got it, man.
0:24:50 > 0:24:51You're the captain.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Bruv, sail the ship, man.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56We're going down to Cornwall, man, we're going south.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Let's go to the beach, man.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01I got some vinegar for our chips, innit?
0:25:02 > 0:25:04Oh, my God.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Bruv, that is savoury, bruv.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07Slower, take it down, man.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11You're in control, let's go to the core of the Earth, innit?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Bruv, you've got something there, Bruv. That is dirty, Bruv!
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Bruv, we should record this and release it, innit?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24Just you clapping and me complimenting your clapping, like.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28I don't know if there's a market for it but I'd buy, like, 100.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Sell it to my family, they'd be so proud.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Actually, you know, cut it. It's not working.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34But can you stay on stage anyway
0:25:34 > 0:25:36cos when I'm MCing I like it to look like I've got a crew.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40And what a crew - look at this guy, like!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41CHEERING
0:25:41 > 0:25:44What's that? Is that a Scottish thing? I don't know, man.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46But, like, yeah, man, what a crew, innit?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48This guy's so cool, like, innit?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Like, he's the kind of guy that even though he's standing like this
0:25:51 > 0:25:53he looks like standing like this, innit?
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Joker. Anyway, OK, we're going to do the tune!
0:25:55 > 0:25:59Everyone remember what they're doing? When I say "boys," what will they do?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- BOYS:- Yeah! - When I say "girls," what will they do?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02- GIRLS:- What is it?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Snap! OK, let's go, let's do this. OK, so, boys!- Yeah!- Girls!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Yeah!- Yeah, boys!- Yeah! - Girls, man!- What is it?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10- Yeah, boys! Yeah! Girls! - What is it?- Boys!
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Yeah!- Mix it up, say boys again, boys!
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- Yeah!- Girls!- What is it? - Yeah, boys, louder!- Yeah!
0:26:16 > 0:26:17- Girls!- What is it?- OK, let's go.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21QUIET GARBLED RAPPING I talked... Do...
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Never going to do a thing...
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Well I'll get fresh, get real,
0:26:24 > 0:26:25You know what I'm talking about, bruv!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Got to say it again We gotta get real and do it fresh
0:26:29 > 0:26:32You sound like you're going mad And I ain't gonna do a thing
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Get right, get fresh, get seen
0:26:34 > 0:26:38Get down, get down Get feel, get a f... Get seen...
0:26:38 > 0:26:42# Every time I turn around I see bad pain and bad suffering
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# So I look to the heavens and I say... #
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Oh, no!
0:26:48 > 0:26:52# And I just want to live my life and get a wife and do a smile
0:26:52 > 0:26:57# And I just want to raise my kids in a world where they never die
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# And everyone is acting crazy Like a maniac
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# And I don't know why
0:27:03 > 0:27:07# I look in the mirror and I see myself as a child
0:27:08 > 0:27:09# But I look closer
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# And he's holding a samosa
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# And I realise it's a window It's not a mirror
0:27:15 > 0:27:17# Who is this child?
0:27:17 > 0:27:18- Girls!- What is it?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Boys!- Yeah!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22Thank you very much, that's me, good night.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Give him a round of applause! Thank you. Live your lives! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Yes!
0:27:32 > 0:27:34Round of applause for this man here.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37He came to the early show, he's been here all night!
0:27:37 > 0:27:39You've been waiting for that all night, haven't you?
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Standing on stage, on telly, looking like a jaundiced hobbit!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- LAUGHTER - Good man! What a man!
0:27:45 > 0:27:49Yes, all that is left to say is thank you to all of tonight's acts.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52I've been Chris Ramsey and you've been watching Comedy At The Fringe.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- Good night! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd