:00:33. > :00:37.This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
:00:37. > :00:41.Hello, you are about to see some of the strongest and freshest talent
:00:41. > :00:45.performing at the Edinburgh Festival. We have even more comedy
:00:45. > :00:50.performances as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.
:00:50. > :00:55.But it is time to go over to the main stage and make your host for
:00:55. > :01:00.tonight's show. Please welcome Jarred Christmas bus-stop welcome
:01:00. > :01:09.to Three @ The Fringe! Yeah. What I love about British audiences is
:01:09. > :01:14.cannot do it without a tinge of sarcasm! That was like genuine
:01:14. > :01:20.excitement bus-stop you were like, or woo! And it was as if you all
:01:20. > :01:27.went, here we go. It is the British thing. The British way. Because
:01:27. > :01:31.Americans, they hit do or whooping and cheering without anything
:01:32. > :01:36.except the sense of whooping and cheering. -- they do it. And I
:01:36. > :01:42.don't know if you know this, but the American's created a high five.
:01:42. > :01:48.It is such an optimistic gesture, isn't it? You can whet your pants
:01:48. > :01:55.and somebody will give you a high five. A good flow, but the! Who
:01:56. > :02:00.needs dry jeans? Not you, but the. But here, it is like, wanker. You
:02:00. > :02:04.have that heavy sense of criticism. I think it comes from owning most
:02:04. > :02:10.of the world and losing it all! I reckon the Moroccans were born
:02:10. > :02:15.whipping and cheering. If they just come out going, woo, yeah! Come on,
:02:15. > :02:23.come on! Whereas the English, the British, when you were born, you
:02:23. > :02:27.come out going,... I just want a pint. A great attitude. I am from
:02:27. > :02:33.New Zealand and when we are born, we don't even cut the umbilical
:02:33. > :02:37.cord because that is our first taste of the bungee-jump! A bit
:02:37. > :02:45.gross! I just wonder what demographics we have got in.
:02:45. > :02:52.Scottish? Should I say Scottish or Scots? Scottish. Scot's is wrong?
:02:52. > :03:01.There's just a group of people in called Scott. I am Scott and my
:03:01. > :03:08.made his Scott. So, Scottish people, healthy mix. English, make some
:03:08. > :03:12.noise. Woo! OK, this is not a rabble-rousing. Don't stop looting!
:03:12. > :03:16.It was full on, the looting, wasn't it? But none of it happened in
:03:16. > :03:21.Scotland and Wales. I think that is because you guys discovered Amazons.
:03:21. > :03:30.You thought, I am not going to leave. I will just do some online
:03:30. > :03:34.looting. My favourite thing was looting that happened in Clapham
:03:34. > :03:40.and the one shop that was not touched, Waterstone's, the
:03:40. > :03:46.bookstore. Oh, that makes me so happy! It just conjures up images
:03:46. > :03:53.of looters going up, going, what are they doing there? I don't know.
:03:53. > :03:58.It is just books. What is in books? Knowledge. What is that? I have no
:03:58. > :04:04.idea. Something about consequences of reactions... Harry Potter, but
:04:04. > :04:09.have seen the movie. Should we smash this? No. We should smash the
:04:10. > :04:19.shop up the road and we can hang off a plasma screen. We will look
:04:19. > :04:26.like Fokine idiots! Welsh? Just one. One solitary Welsh person going,
:04:26. > :04:31.ooh... I am married to a British girl, by the way. Yes! Passport!
:04:31. > :04:41.Pretty happy about that. And I say British because she is part English,
:04:41. > :04:43.
:04:43. > :04:53.part Welsh, so when I visit the Valley... I have to pay!
:04:53. > :04:57.
:04:57. > :05:05.Lady Hamilton... Hardy. I bring you grave news, Madam. Your beloved,
:05:05. > :05:14.Admiral Horatio Nelson, is dead. No! Yes! I wouldn't make that up.
:05:14. > :05:19.How did he die? He was shot, Madam. Through the spine. No! No! Yes.
:05:19. > :05:29.Again, you are making this quite difficult. No doubt he died an
:05:29. > :05:30.
:05:30. > :05:35.honourable death? Erm... This is bullshit! Never did a man die with
:05:35. > :05:45.such dignity. Hardy, you were there at the end. I must ask. What were
:05:45. > :05:47.
:05:47. > :05:54.his last words? Erm... Please... The Hardy, Hardy, I have been shot!
:05:54. > :06:01.Please, sir, tried to remain calm. Far the other men, I am the one who
:06:01. > :06:05.has been shot! Among so many men, I, possibly the most important man on
:06:05. > :06:11.the sea, have been hit by a stray bullet bus-stop well, to be fair,
:06:11. > :06:18.you are wearing an enormous hat. Yes was stopped by a bloody love
:06:18. > :06:23.this hat. It is enormous. What are you trying to say? Remember to take
:06:23. > :06:30.the videos back to Blockbuster. Are we will get a fine. We should have
:06:30. > :06:36.got an online subscription! Yes, sir. As I dive, will you listen and
:06:36. > :06:45.record my final words? Or of course. Come closer. Closer still...
:06:45. > :06:48.please, stop licking it ear. Will you grunt me my final wish?
:06:48. > :06:58.Anything for the great Admiral Horatio Nelson. What would you have
:06:58. > :07:01.
:07:01. > :07:11.me do? Bring me Hardy. I want you to ring me. I am about to die! Win
:07:11. > :07:17.
:07:17. > :07:27.me! Well? What were his final great words that the empire may echo of
:07:27. > :07:33.them? Reign at me, Hardy! It is the end of the Edinburgh Arts Festival!
:07:33. > :07:41.Come on, everyone! Everybody win each other! Get involved! Fuel is
:07:41. > :07:47.at home, press your Red Button! Let's instigate a nationwide
:07:47. > :07:55.session! -- view was at home. Come on, Madam. I will be power contours
:07:55. > :08:05.and you can be the other one. Come on! I will do the theme tune to
:08:05. > :08:17.
:08:17. > :08:25.ride Of the Valkyries. Ring me, Hardy! I think I am done now! I
:08:25. > :08:35.will settle for a back rub. Actually, no, I want the whole
:08:35. > :08:38.
:08:38. > :08:44.shebang! I am so tired... Well, Hardy? It was, kiss me, Hardy.
:08:44. > :08:54.it wasn't. Definitely kiss me, Hardy. It was indeed a noble death.
:08:54. > :09:01.
:09:01. > :09:06.Quiet and tender. Hardy? Yes? didn't ask you to...? And no.
:09:06. > :09:10.Hello. How are you doing? I am going to do a song in a minute. If
:09:10. > :09:15.my boyfriend is Welsh and it is his first language so I am learning how
:09:15. > :09:21.to speak hip and his grandma only speaks Welsh, so I have written a
:09:21. > :09:25.little song in Welsh bus-stop -- learning to speak it. We were
:09:26. > :09:28.staying in a B&B the other day and I had a shower at a temple stop the
:09:29. > :09:38.water was freezing. I had to sing The Sound Of Music to get through
:09:38. > :09:45.it bus-stop I was like, "the hills are alive..." and the man who owned
:09:45. > :09:51.the place asked me, are you having a nice stay? I said, yes, but I had
:09:51. > :09:56.a shower and the water was freezing. Chris said, it is unacceptable. He
:09:56. > :10:00.said, what room are you when? I said room number two. He said, the
:10:00. > :10:04.thing about room number two is sometimes the water does not know
:10:04. > :10:09.it is the morning. He said, it is temperamental, it is Welsh. You
:10:09. > :10:13.cannot harness it. It does like it pleases. It is not like your
:10:13. > :10:19.English border. I said, do you reckon the water would know if I
:10:19. > :10:24.left without paying? He said, I will change your room. Here is the
:10:24. > :10:28.song. He doesn't know I am learning Welsh. The any other language as
:10:28. > :10:33.Speaker is French and the only thing I can say is "je joue le
:10:33. > :10:43.ping-pong a La Rochelle", I can play table tennis in La Rochelle. I
:10:43. > :10:43.
:10:43. > :11:31.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
:11:31. > :11:39.am hoping my Welsh is a bit better. SINGS IN WELSH. SHE CONTINUES
:11:39. > :11:42.SINGING IN WELSH. I will just translated in case you don't know
:11:42. > :11:45.what it means. # I went, you went,
:11:45. > :11:55.# He, she went, # We went, you went (formal),
:11:55. > :12:03.
:12:03. > :12:08.# The-ey went. # Charis went to Bangor for lunch.
:12:08. > :12:18.# She had cheese. # It is hailing, raining, snowing.
:12:18. > :12:26.# Cold, hot, fog-gy. # I have one sister.
:12:26. > :12:36.# I like swimming, whoa! # I play table tennis.
:12:36. > :12:36.
:12:36. > :12:46.# Where, I can't remember. # SINGS IN WELSH.
:12:46. > :12:46.
:12:46. > :13:43.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
:13:43. > :13:53.# In La Rochelle. Thank you very FRENCH-STYLE ACCORDIAN MUSIC PLAYS.
:13:53. > :13:53.
:13:53. > :20:05.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 47 seconds
:20:05. > :20:11.SONG: DON'T BLAME IT ON THE I would like to talk to you a
:20:11. > :20:17.little bit about my testicles. I had a testicular cancer check a
:20:17. > :20:22.while back. They put some gel on your testicles so they can scan
:20:22. > :20:28.them. The nurse tried to comfort me by saying, it will just below it
:20:29. > :20:34.rubbing jelly all over your testicles. Where am I going to get
:20:34. > :20:41.that reference point from in my life? I am always rubbing jelly on
:20:41. > :20:47.my testicles. If you had said, I would have come prepared. I washed
:20:47. > :20:51.it off when I came out of the house! If your doctor has ever
:20:51. > :21:00.wasted your time and you want to get up own back, I had a great way
:21:00. > :21:05.to do this. I own a SodaStream. Does anyone here own one? If you do
:21:05. > :21:15.not know what one is, it carbonates still liquids and makes them fizzy.
:21:15. > :21:22.I have been carbon-dating anything I can. Milk, carbonated. Tea,
:21:22. > :21:32.carbonated. Blurred, carbonated. I left some physique on the
:21:32. > :21:36.
:21:36. > :21:43.windowsill to go stale, re- carbonate kid. -- it. I've tried to
:21:43. > :21:50.get a class full of semen. It was exhausting. I was getting my
:21:50. > :21:55.flatmates to help but they did not want to. We could do it as a room.
:21:55. > :22:00.At school I used to play a game called Knock-A-Door-Run. Some
:22:00. > :22:06.people call it knocked down ginger. This confuses me because knock down
:22:06. > :22:14.ginger was a more specific game I played in a car. You must remember
:22:14. > :22:20.the good of days in your car with your dad. There is one! OK. I have
:22:21. > :22:28.a few things to tell you. I saw an article that in America someone's
:22:28. > :22:33.pet cat was genuinely called up for jury service. Genuinely, it was an
:22:33. > :22:39.admin mistake. A pet cat was written to and called up for jury
:22:39. > :22:44.service. The owner wrote back and said, it is a cat, it cannot speak.
:22:44. > :22:51.They wrote back to her some kind of automated replies saying, that is
:22:51. > :22:57.OK, we have translators. They genuinely thought she was trying to
:22:57. > :23:04.skip jury service. That woman who through the cat in the bin, imagine
:23:04. > :23:10.when she was in court and looked at the jury?! What are the chances of
:23:10. > :23:17.that?! This is what used to scare me most about being in school. I
:23:17. > :23:23.used to be genuinely terrified of what is in his bag. Every single
:23:23. > :23:31.year at school, five number Macro years in a row, I would always
:23:31. > :23:37.close my eyes. -- five years in a row. My parents started to take a
:23:37. > :23:43.picture of my eyes separately so they could stick them on at a later
:23:43. > :23:48.date like a human Mr Potato Head. We would have to send these to her
:23:48. > :23:57.so she could see how her grandson was doing. Five years in a road she
:23:57. > :24:04.got these was that she thought I was mental. -- five years in a row
:24:05. > :24:11.she got these. I woke up again and she said, what is happening? What
:24:11. > :24:16.are the chances of this happening? Always blinking. What are the
:24:16. > :24:26.chances of that happening? If you had a picture taken with your
:24:26. > :24:26.
:24:26. > :24:36.brother, what is the chance you could both do it at the same time?
:24:36. > :24:51.
:24:51. > :25:01.Thank you. This has been lovely. She must be a lesbian. She turned
:25:01. > :25:01.
:25:01. > :25:07.me down. She must be a lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a
:25:07. > :25:15.lesbian. I am going to have sex with them all if you know what I
:25:15. > :25:24.mean. The girl is a team. I am going to go on them like a
:25:24. > :25:34.submarine. Submarines are fan. I hit a rape alarm. It is going off.
:25:34. > :25:40.I cannot work out why the girl is screaming. I bet she likes kissing
:25:40. > :25:50.girls. I think maybe if I let her, I cannot work out why the girls do
:25:50. > :25:52.
:25:52. > :26:02.not fancy me. It's a girl won't get him round, she must be a lesbian. -
:26:02. > :26:08.- went come round. She must be a lesbian. If a girl went kiss, she
:26:08. > :26:16.is taking the piss apples but if she does not fancy me, she must bat
:26:16. > :26:25.for the other team. I am having trouble finding a better girl to
:26:25. > :26:35.pursue. I am like a fire truck. That girl must be a lesbian. That
:26:35. > :26:35.
:26:35. > :26:45.girl must be a lesbian. That girl she must... It is your birthday.
:26:45. > :26:55.You go, girl. What is your name? I like your Dom shoes. He said he
:26:55. > :26:56.
:26:56. > :27:03.likes your... Shoes. OK. We are two Boys and we're looking for two
:27:03. > :27:12.girls. They are two girls. I tried to talk but I came in my pants. I
:27:12. > :27:19.am sad. She went come round, she must be a lesbian. She must be a
:27:19. > :27:27.lesbian. I let her down lightly. She must be a lesbian. Is that
:27:27. > :27:33.right? She must be a thespian. If she does not fancy me, she must
:27:33. > :27:43.back were the other team. That girl, she must be a lesbian. That girl,
:27:43. > :28:06.