:00:22. > :00:27.Hello and welcome to the best of Three at the Fringe. I am Scot
:00:27. > :00:31.Mills and you are about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy
:00:31. > :00:34.from some of the biggest names and freshest and exciting new talent
:00:34. > :00:39.performing at this year's Fringe. You can check out the website too
:00:39. > :00:45.where you can access even more performances direct from the BBC's
:00:45. > :00:50.Edinburgh venue as well as a host of other interactive comedy. Now to
:00:50. > :00:53.meet your compere for the show, Charlie Baker.
:00:53. > :00:57.Is everyone all right? Having a lovely time so far? APPLAUSE AND
:00:57. > :01:02.CHEERING. Very good. Here is sa lovely licence fee here for you all
:01:02. > :01:05.to see. Enjoying that? A couple of licence fees here to look at.
:01:05. > :01:13.Everyone enjoying the Fringe? Yes, you are the hardest man alive. Nice
:01:13. > :01:16.to see you. It's lovely to be here. I am waiting for Jack Black to die.
:01:17. > :01:22.He looks like him, doesn't he? I was thinking he looks like someone
:01:22. > :01:27.and then he said Jack Black, that's who he looks like. I said to you,
:01:27. > :01:31.didn't I? I said he he looks like Jack Black. I have never made money
:01:32. > :01:41.out of looking like him, I have been offered a few things, porn
:01:42. > :01:46.
:01:46. > :01:49.films, School of Cock, that was one. And Kung Fu Hand Job, that's the
:01:49. > :01:56.one I did. Nice to have my co-star in, good to see you again. With
:01:56. > :02:02.your mouth empty. Loves cock, ladies and gentlemen.
:02:02. > :02:09.Really does. Good evening. How are you doing?
:02:09. > :02:16.That's good. My name is Phil Wang and I am the answer to the question
:02:16. > :02:20.what would I look like if Gok Wan got fat and less infuturating.
:02:20. > :02:27.Don't get me wrong, I have nothing personally against him, it's just I
:02:27. > :02:37.am a homophobe. I am the answer to the question what would I look like
:02:37. > :02:40.
:02:40. > :02:44.if Michael McIntyre had a child with Gok Wan. Do we have any
:02:44. > :02:49.McIntyre fans? Good, some cheers there, the rest of you are correct.
:02:49. > :02:53.No, no, he is fun. I like him. I have one issue with McIntyre, and
:02:53. > :03:03.that is a while back in one of his shows he said that when he smiles
:03:03. > :03:10.
:03:10. > :03:15.he looks like a fat Chinese man. Now, following that logic, right, I,
:03:15. > :03:25.you know... APPLAUSE you know, following that logic I
:03:25. > :03:27.
:03:27. > :03:33.think he is a massive prick. What a weasel. What a silly man. I never
:03:33. > :03:39.actually wanted to be a comedian, my parents forced me into it. Very
:03:39. > :03:45.pushy. I always wanted to be a dentist. Or a prostitute. But they
:03:45. > :03:51.- apparently no money in that. You be comedian, boy - that's my dad,
:03:52. > :03:58.be a comedian. I should explain he is oriental. Not a stroke victim.
:03:58. > :04:02.As it may have sounded. Let's clear that up for you. My dad I guess was
:04:02. > :04:07.a main culprit really for me growing up a little tough. We
:04:07. > :04:11.butted heads on a lot of things. For example, he has rigid ideas
:04:11. > :04:18.about how men and women should behave and I am a modern man, in
:04:18. > :04:22.touch with my feminine side and also I have a bit of a monobrow
:04:22. > :04:27.problem. It's no big deal. Any hairy women in the audience will
:04:27. > :04:34.vouch for me, the way to deal with that get tweezers and pluck the
:04:34. > :04:39.bastards out. Now I was doing that one day in my room, and right,
:04:39. > :04:45.plucking in my room and my dad, right, he opens the door and he
:04:45. > :04:54.sees me plucking and he looks at me like I have just kicked the family
:04:54. > :04:58.cat into my mother's face on my sister's birthday again. And he
:04:58. > :05:02.looks at me and says what are you doing? That's for girls. Now, you
:05:02. > :05:07.don't know but that's a really good impression of my dad, that sounds
:05:07. > :05:11.just like him. I thought he was here, oh, no, it's just me. He said
:05:11. > :05:15.what are you doing? That is for girls. I explained to him, I said
:05:15. > :05:21.no, dad, society has changed and with it has the perception of
:05:21. > :05:25.masculinity and male beauty. Plucking one's eyebrows is simply a
:05:25. > :05:35.sign of cultivation, hygiene and a masculine care for one's personal
:05:35. > :05:45.appearance. Right. Then he said well, at least take the dress off.
:05:45. > :05:45.
:05:45. > :05:55.So, you know, I was like whatever! You are living in the past, dad.
:05:55. > :06:03.
:06:03. > :06:08.You are living in the past. You old High heels there. A nice pair, here
:06:08. > :06:18.you go, Madame. You have been lovely, guys. Have a good festival.
:06:18. > :06:19.
:06:19. > :06:23.I am Phil Wang. Good night. Hello. Are you well? Good! We don't
:06:23. > :06:26.have long together so I will do what I wanted to do in bullet
:06:26. > :06:32.points. I love bullet points, they really move things along. Sometimes
:06:32. > :06:40.I read over my old teenager diary and think this could have been
:06:40. > :06:43.passier. School. I am here with my baby so I am very tired. It's not
:06:43. > :06:47.my first baby, I have another one in the car. It's an interesting
:06:47. > :06:51.thing being pregnant because you learn lots of things, you expand,
:06:51. > :06:55.not only physically, emotionally. I learned some things about myself
:06:55. > :06:58.and I learned some new words. I learned some maths that I didn't
:06:58. > :07:03.know before. Like the maths bit, everyone knows it takes
:07:03. > :07:06.approximately nine months to cook a human. But when you do it I don't
:07:06. > :07:10.know why, but you have to talk about it in weeks and that used to
:07:10. > :07:14.bug me before I had kids. It's annoying when you say how pregnant
:07:14. > :07:18.are you and they go I am 28 weeks and you think do I look like
:07:18. > :07:23.Johnnie Ball, you round it up. That's what we invented months for.
:07:23. > :07:27.To contain and label weeks. That's where we keep weeks. It doesn't
:07:27. > :07:34.stop when the kid's born, then it's all about months and not years. You
:07:34. > :07:39.are like how old is flim-tphrapl? They go well he is 19 months, well
:07:39. > :07:45.he is about one and a half, this isn't a test. I am not that hung up
:07:45. > :07:50.on age accuracy. I don't go around saying I am 427 months old, round
:07:50. > :07:54.it up. It has been lovely. I have enjoyed having baby. Babies are
:07:54. > :07:59.lovely, they're magical and bewildering as well. Like why do
:07:59. > :08:09.baby clothes have pockets? Where are they going? That creates images
:08:09. > :08:10.
:08:10. > :08:14.of a ten-week-old baby going wallet, keys, phone. Let's go, mum. So, I
:08:14. > :08:17.am a bit nervous about when they get older, people say small
:08:17. > :08:21.children, small problems and then they get older and there's more
:08:21. > :08:25.parenting to go, I hear. You know, that could be tricky. When they
:08:25. > :08:34.start asking awkward questions like mummy, what is dogging? You have to
:08:34. > :08:43.have an answer ready. OK, darling, well, dogging is when three or four
:08:43. > :08:51.people that love each other very much go to a car park - go and ask
:08:51. > :08:53.your dad. It will be fine. I will wing it. I prepped for parenting by
:08:54. > :08:58.watching SuperNanny, I thought that would be preparation. I thought I
:08:58. > :09:02.am not going to end up one of those middle-class mothers. Megan, you
:09:02. > :09:10.are really upsetting mummy, don't cut, mummy. No, not the face,
:09:10. > :09:15.Megan! Classic episode there with Megan. It was like Cape Fear, I do
:09:15. > :09:21.exaggerate a lot in my show. I confess to that. I think all
:09:21. > :09:25.comedians exaggerate a little bit. Women are very good at it. We are
:09:25. > :09:28.good at exaggerating, we are much better than blokes. We are about 14
:09:28. > :09:31.billion times better than most blokes. Women are very good at
:09:31. > :09:34.slightly overreacting to arguably trivial things, that's something we
:09:35. > :09:39.have the edge on. When a woman puts her hand in her bag to find her
:09:39. > :09:45.purse, but doesn't immediately find her purse, she is like oh my God, I
:09:46. > :09:50.have lost my purse! Hang on, I found it, sorry. Just overreacted,
:09:50. > :09:54.sorry. Or if we park the car in a car park and we don't find it
:09:54. > :10:01.straightaway, we are like, someone's nicked the car! Call the
:10:01. > :10:07.police now! Oh, it's there, sorry. Someone must have moved it. We make
:10:07. > :10:12.that noise quite a lot, argh! I make that noise in the car with my
:10:12. > :10:16.husband and he is driving. He goes what? I said I have forgotten my
:10:16. > :10:23.lipstick. He said I thought I killed a bloody child! It's such a
:10:23. > :10:29.good noise, argh! Let's get a pizza. One thing women don't exaggerate
:10:29. > :10:32.about ever, ever, is a bargain. We are very excited about bargains. If
:10:32. > :10:38.you compliment a women on something she's wearing she will tell you how
:10:38. > :10:43.much it cost down to the penny. I like your top, yeah, �10.99, Top
:10:43. > :10:49.Shop. You don't want to know but you get told. I like your trousers,
:10:49. > :10:53.yeah, �24.99, I framed the receipt, it's above the fireplace, I only
:10:53. > :10:57.paid �4 for that. Everybody knows if you have paid next to nothing
:10:57. > :11:01.for a high street garment it is probably someone might have
:11:01. > :11:07.suffered somewhere along the line. But no one gives a shit when
:11:07. > :11:15.they're boosting about a bargain. Oh, I love your balltkpwaupb, yeah,
:11:15. > :11:25.a child sewed on every sequin. Can't beat a bargain. You have been
:11:25. > :12:02.
:12:02. > :12:10.# # My love there's only you in my life
:12:10. > :12:20.# The only thing that's bright #. # My first love
:12:20. > :12:21.
:12:21. > :12:31.# You're every breath that I take # You're every step I make
:12:31. > :12:35.
:12:35. > :12:45.#. # And I want to share all my love with you
:12:45. > :12:48.
:12:48. > :12:58.# No one else will do # And your eyes, they tell me how
:12:58. > :13:00.
:13:00. > :13:10.much you care # Oh, yes you will always be my
:13:10. > :13:10.
:13:10. > :14:21.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds
:14:21. > :14:31.endless love # Hey baby
:14:31. > :14:31.
:14:31. > :15:14.Apology for the loss of subtitles for 70 seconds
:15:14. > :15:21.# Tonight, tonight I'M DANIEL DAY LEWIS, TWO TIME
:15:21. > :15:27.OSCAR WINNER AND THREE TIMES AS LOUD AS ANYTHING ON THE PLANET.
:15:27. > :15:33.My career is in at theers. So much so, that I've started using young
:15:33. > :15:38.boys as armchairs! I have not won a major award in
:15:38. > :15:42.over four minutes. Apparently I lack rage, which is ridiculous. As
:15:42. > :15:47.everyone knows the only way to test an actor's range is to pick him up
:15:47. > :15:52.and throw him. So that's what we're going to do today. You, you and you,
:15:52. > :15:56.join me on stage. Come on! APPLAUSE
:15:56. > :16:01.Come on up here. Line up in a line for me, you fine fellows. Line up
:16:01. > :16:06.in a line and I want you to throw me as far as you can into the
:16:06. > :16:11.audience. OK? If you manage to hit these first couple of tables it
:16:11. > :16:17.probably means I could play a back ward king with a stutter. If I hit
:16:17. > :16:24.the red seats it means I could play a very loud Gandhi. If you manage
:16:24. > :16:33.to puncture the tent and send me out into the street, well you
:16:33. > :16:37.belong in a cage! So, let's have some Daniel Day Fun - shall we?
:16:37. > :16:46.Pick me up and throw me into the audience. Take a leg each, gents.
:16:46. > :16:56.This is not the ending of Brave Heart. On the count of three - lift
:16:56. > :17:00.
:17:00. > :17:08.up and, one, two, and three. APPLAUSE
:17:09. > :17:14.Oh, my God, you actually threw me! I'm worth like half a trillion
:17:14. > :17:21.dollars. I'm the most famous actor to appear in nobody's favourite
:17:21. > :17:24.film. Sit down, you plucky, sons of guns, all but you!
:17:25. > :17:29.The ringleader, if I'm not mistaken! You're going to learn a
:17:30. > :17:38.valuable lesson up here with me today, sony Jim. You are going to
:17:38. > :17:42.learn about acting a smoke machine, or smac ting. It is where I tie a
:17:42. > :17:51.smoke machine to a skateboard and shout until I pass out. I invented
:17:51. > :17:58.it on the set of the Last of the Mohicans. I used it as an excuse as
:17:58. > :18:04.to why I crashed my car. In future all actors will wear one of these
:18:04. > :18:12.and die of consumption at 30. Have you ever smacked it before? Give it
:18:12. > :18:17.a stroke. How's that? Beautiful! That's for fans of underwhelming
:18:17. > :18:23.comedy prop moments was a lesson learnt. So, stand there my friend,
:18:23. > :18:29.stand like an actor might. Now that's good. That's very good.
:18:29. > :18:38.I'm not sure of the hand gesture! We'll go with that. That's good.
:18:38. > :18:42.Fix a point, up in the stars there. Have you got a point? In your best
:18:42. > :18:48.Daniel Day-Lewis impression say my most famous line of "Stay where you
:18:48. > :18:53.are. I will find you." Wait! Stay where you are. I will find you.
:18:53. > :18:57.That's a good start. That's a good start. If I may be a little bit
:18:57. > :18:59.picky, it lacked a little bit of focus and motivation for me. An
:18:59. > :19:04.audience needs to understand where a character is coming from, in
:19:04. > :19:09.order to join it on its journey. For example, as the greatest screen
:19:09. > :19:15.actor of anyone's generation I need freedom to travel anywhere I wish
:19:15. > :19:25.with my performance. It is why on most film sets I am known as the
:19:25. > :19:30.Oyster card. Why? Because before each and every take I do this....
:19:30. > :19:34.You are not at that level yet. You need a co-star. I want you to look
:19:34. > :19:39.out into this sea of beautiful people here. In your opinion, pick
:19:39. > :19:44.me out the most beautiful, attractive female in your opinion.
:19:44. > :19:49.How old are you to be using that kind of language? Where else do you
:19:49. > :19:53.get to pick a woman. Pick one. Who do you like. She's not looking at
:19:53. > :20:01.you at all! They are always the people I picked. When I grabbed you,
:20:01. > :20:11.you were looking at the floor. Who would you like? Who's the most
:20:11. > :20:12.
:20:12. > :20:17.attractive woman in here. Bom-boom - that's both his testicles
:20:17. > :20:23.dropping. That fine young lady there. The what's wrong with the
:20:23. > :20:27.one here in red? Just kidding. I know exactly what's wrong with her!
:20:27. > :20:33.Come up here for me, my darling. You have it really eds here today.
:20:33. > :20:39.Come up here. That's very easy. A good choice. A good choice. Come on
:20:39. > :20:49.up. You have it easy. You have to stand there, to the side and look
:20:49. > :20:49.
:20:49. > :20:55.raidant for me. -- ray diant for me. Do you have a girlfriend? No.
:20:55. > :20:59.you have a boyfriend? Is he here tonight. Come on! This is it. Aim
:20:59. > :21:03.your performance right at her. Give her the pose.
:21:03. > :21:09.That's it! Now give her the look right down the barrel of her eyes N
:21:09. > :21:14.the best me impression, do the line. "Stay where you are. I will find
:21:14. > :21:21.you." Stay where you are. I will find you. How is that heart
:21:21. > :21:26.beating? Tell me. I can tell you my thumb is very rogue at the moment!
:21:26. > :21:33.This has nothing to do with what we're doing up here either! I'm
:21:33. > :21:37.just been a Daniel Day-Pervert. You have graduated. So the final part
:21:37. > :21:41.of your education here today - the smoke machine. You are about to
:21:41. > :21:48.embark on an epic journey and experience the epic exsilration
:21:48. > :21:53.that only two people have found in the world, that is me, Daniel Day-
:21:53. > :21:58.Lewis. Take the remote on coal. On my mark, look her in the eye, give
:21:58. > :22:03.her the pose, give her the line and pump that smoke machine and stride
:22:03. > :22:08.on over to her and kiss her in a way in which she would never wish
:22:08. > :22:15.to be kissed. OK? That's the bit I'm going to be watching very
:22:15. > :22:20.closely! Stay where you are. I will find you. You got it? He can do it,
:22:20. > :22:27.right? Come on Daniel, this is how we do it. So are you ready? Three,
:22:27. > :22:32.two, one. Smacked. Stay where you are. I will find you. Pump it. Now
:22:32. > :22:42.the kiss. Go on. Keep pumping. Go for the kiss.
:22:42. > :22:43.
:22:43. > :22:49.Go for the kiss. APPLAUSE
:22:49. > :22:55.What the hell was that meant to be? I spent �45 on that! This is how
:22:55. > :23:01.you do it. Stand here. Stand here. You have a close look.
:23:01. > :23:06.This is how you do it, my friend. You ned to get close. Closer. Good.
:23:06. > :23:11.Give her the look. Give her the pose and hit her with the pose
:23:11. > :23:21."Stay where you are. I will find her." Stride over and....
:23:21. > :23:28.
:23:28. > :23:34.Laughter. Oh, yeah. You can sit down now.
:23:34. > :23:42.We're done with you. Oh, yes, my friend! I gave you the
:23:42. > :23:46.Daniel Day-tongue there a little bit. Good for you! You've become
:23:46. > :23:53.Daniel Day-Lewis. So, you and you, let's pick him up and see how far
:23:53. > :24:03.we can throw him. Give him a round of applause. Stay where you are. I
:24:03. > :24:07.
:24:07. > :24:11.will find you! We are frisky and Mannish. We are
:24:11. > :24:15.pop educators and looking at the hidden alternatives in pop songs
:24:15. > :24:20.for you. Clarifying them. Actually, we thought you were the sort of
:24:20. > :24:26.audience that might find that silly. We thought we would take it back a
:24:26. > :24:33.notch and maybe sing something the way it was meant to be sung.
:24:33. > :24:41.Close your eyes # Give me your hand, darling
:24:41. > :24:50.# Do you feel my heart beating # Do you understand
:24:50. > :25:00.# Do you feel the same # Am I only dreaming
:25:00. > :25:05.
:25:05. > :25:11.# Is this burning an eternal flame # I believe we're meant to be,
:25:11. > :25:18.darling # I watch you when you are sleeping
:25:18. > :25:28.# You belong to me # Do you feel the same?
:25:28. > :25:29.
:25:29. > :25:33.# Am I only dreaming? # Or is this burning an eternal
:25:33. > :25:37.flame? # Say my name!
:25:37. > :25:43.# Sunshine to the rain # My whole life
:25:43. > :25:53.# So lonely # It couldn't ease the pain
:25:53. > :26:00.
:26:00. > :26:08.# I don't want to lose this feeling # You're just too good to be true
:26:08. > :26:15.# Can't take my eyes off of you # You've been like heaven to touch
:26:15. > :26:20.# I love you so much # At long last love has arrived
:26:20. > :26:30.# Oh, my God, I'm alive # You're just too good to be true
:26:30. > :26:43.
:26:43. > :26:50.So sorry! # I've never had a dream come true
:26:50. > :26:53.# Till the day that I found you # Even though I pretend that I've
:26:54. > :26:59.moved on # You'll always be my baby
:26:59. > :27:05.# Never found the words to say # You're the one I think about each
:27:05. > :27:15.# And I know no matter where love takes me to
:27:15. > :27:15.
:27:15. > :27:23.# A part of me will always be # With you
:27:23. > :27:29.# I just called to say HEAVY BREATHING
:27:29. > :27:39.# # I JUST CALLED TO SAY HOW MUCH I....
:27:39. > :27:44.
:27:44. > :27:54.# I JUST CALLED TO SAY # And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
:27:54. > :27:58.
:27:58. > :28:01.# You must love me # You must love me #
:28:01. > :28:05.APPLAUSE We are back next week with more