0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language
0:00:16 > 0:00:19Hello, and welcome to the best of Three @ The Fringe. I'm Scott Mills,
0:00:19 > 0:00:23and you're about to see 30 minutes of fantastic live comedy,
0:00:23 > 0:00:27from some of the biggest names AND the freshest, most exciting new talent
0:00:27 > 0:00:30performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Remember to check out the BBC Three website, as well,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35where you can access even more comedy performances
0:00:35 > 0:00:38direct from the BBC's Edinburgh venue, right here,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40as well as a host of exclusive interactive comedy.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43But now, time to go over to the BBC Three main stage
0:00:43 > 0:00:46and meet your compere for tonight's show. It's Mr Charlie Baker.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49I'm Charlie Baker. It's lovely to be here.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56"He looks like him, doesn't he? He looks like him!
0:00:56 > 0:01:02"I thought he looked like someone and he said Jack Black. I thought, 'That's who he looks like.' "
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I'm from Newton Abbot in Devon,
0:01:04 > 0:01:08and what we're going to do is recreate the Newton Abbot cattle market. Is everybody up for that?
0:01:08 > 0:01:11CHEERING Yes, some of you. That's good.
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Dave, I've got a job for you. I'm going to say, "The first got is a bullock."
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Dave, you're going to go, "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"
0:01:20 > 0:01:24- That's your job, Dave. You got that? "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"- You bastard!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28No, wait, Dave, wait! For goodness' sake.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Maybe get up and be a bit angrier with it. Really angry about it.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Off you go. The first lot is a bullock.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37You bastard! You said it was all cows.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Very good. Round of applause for Dave. Very good.
0:01:40 > 0:01:41Very good.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44And then, the whole of Dave's row, the row behind him
0:01:44 > 0:01:47AND the row behind him with Brian in,
0:01:47 > 0:01:51you're going to say, under your breath, a bit more placid with it,
0:01:51 > 0:01:54"Yeah, you bastard. You said it was all cows."
0:01:54 > 0:01:56But under your breath, all right? Dave, off you go.
0:01:56 > 0:02:01"You bastard! You said it was all cows." Then everyone else. So the first lot is a bullock.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You bastard. You said it was all cows!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- OTHERS:- You bastard. You said it was all cows.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10It was a bit Wicker Man, wasn't it? It was good, though.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12That was very, very good.
0:02:12 > 0:02:16And then, man over there in the white T-shirt and glasses. You, sir.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19- What's your name?- Mark. - Stand up, Mark. You're going to go,
0:02:19 > 0:02:23"It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock." That's your line.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- Off you go.- It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock.
0:02:26 > 0:02:28Very good, Mark.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32Man in yellow T-shirt with glasses on. Hello, sir. You, stand up.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36What's... Oh, there's three of you! Bloody marvellous! One in the...
0:02:36 > 0:02:41You've stayed up. It's not musical chairs. One of you sit down.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Right. No, you've all sat down. You, you, yes. No, you've GOT a line.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You sit down. Mate, yellow T-shirt, middle one. Yeah, stand up.
0:02:47 > 0:02:51You'll go, "Yeah, I'm in, an' all," which means, "I'm in, as well."
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Off you go.- Yeah, I'm in, an' all. - Very good.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57That means we've got an auction on, so everybody cheers.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02CHEERING Very good, then it'll go back and forth. Doof-doof-doof. Right.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04You look like you can cope, so it's going to get to about 12
0:03:04 > 0:03:07and you're going to go, "Oh, that's too rich for me."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10That's your line, "Oh, that's too rich for me." Have a go.
0:03:10 > 0:03:14- Oh, that's too rich for me!- Oh, he's very good, isn't he? He's very good.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17And then, man right at the back, hello, sir.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20Looking stern, like you hate me. You, yes, you. Hello!
0:03:20 > 0:03:24Stand up. You're going to go, "Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying..."
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying the bloody bull.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Very, very good. Very good.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE No, no, no.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33Then everybody boos him. Boo, boo!
0:03:33 > 0:03:34BOOING
0:03:34 > 0:03:36That's it. And then...
0:03:36 > 0:03:38that's it.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41It's going to be brilliant, innit? "You bastard! You said it was all cows!"
0:03:41 > 0:03:45"You said it was all cows." "It's all right. I like a bit of bullock."
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"I'm in, an' all." Auction - hooray! Back and forth, gets to about 12.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50"Oh, that's too rich for me."
0:03:50 > 0:03:53"Put your wallets away, peasants, I'm buying the bloody bullock." Boo!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Right, now, if anyone's feeling left out, right,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59this side of the room, what we'll have from you, for ambience,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01we'll have some chicken noises from you.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04Off we go. Chicken noises from this side. One, two, three, go.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- AUDIENCE:- Bwark, bwark!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Very good. You didn't do it. You can be the cock. Er...
0:04:12 > 0:04:16This side of the room, we'll have pigs from you. Off we go, pigs.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19- AUDIENCE:- Oink, oink.- Oink?!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21What are you, six?
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Pigs. Off we go. Pigs. SNORTING
0:04:24 > 0:04:28Very good. Middle section, sheep from you. You'll be good at this. Here we go.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Teesside, sheep.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31- AUDIENCE:- Baa!
0:04:31 > 0:04:34That was very good. Now, that's just ambience.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Is everybody ready for the auction? Very good.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39Bit of pigs, bit of pigs, bit of pigs. Bit of pigs.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41SNORTING
0:04:41 > 0:04:42- Chickens, fade in. AUDIENCE:- Bwark!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Louder! Fade it in. Sheep. AUDIENCE:- Baa!
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the cattle auction.
0:04:48 > 0:04:49First lot, first lot is a bullock.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52First lot is a bullock.
0:04:52 > 0:04:53For fuck...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Where are you, Dave? You were mouthy before. You ready, Dave?
0:04:59 > 0:05:03It's all on you, mate. "You bastard! You said it was all cows." Pigs, pigs, pigs.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08Sheep, sheep. Chickens. Fade it up.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Fade it out, fade it out. And welcome to the cattle auction.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14First lot, first lot is a bullock. First lot is a bullock.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17You bastard! You said it was all cows.
0:05:17 > 0:05:18Yeah, you said it was all cows.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Terribly sorry. Anyone else interested at all? Anyone interested at all?
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- It's all right, buddy. I like a bit of bullock.- He likes bullock. Anyone else?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31- I'm in, an' all. - We've got an auction, everybody. CHEERING
0:05:31 > 0:05:34And six and seven, and nine, and nine, and ten, and 11, and 12.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36And 12. With you at 12.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Oh, that's too rich for me!
0:05:38 > 0:05:41That's too rich for him. Anyone else interested at all?
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Put your...
0:05:42 > 0:05:47Put your wallets away, peasants. I'm buying the bloody bullock.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49BOOING
0:05:49 > 0:05:51You were excellent. Well done.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Give yourselves a massive round of applause.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57The magnificent Mr David O'Doherty!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:05 > 0:06:08BEAT PLAYS ON KEYBOARD Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Someone's got the party machine!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Do you have the time? Sir, do you have the time?
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It's party time. Stop looking at your watch.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20I would have accepted "David O'Doherty time", as well.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24It's going to be like a party in my house. That's what the next five minutes is all about.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27In many ways, it WON'T be like a party at my house,
0:06:27 > 0:06:29as I'll be the one doing most of the partying
0:06:29 > 0:06:32and you'll just be sitting in the dark, receiving the party.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Which sounds pretty sleazy when you put it like that,
0:06:35 > 0:06:39considering you have paid to receive the party.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# Cos there's a party starting right now
0:06:42 > 0:06:44# You are all invited
0:06:44 > 0:06:46# Party starting right now
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# Time to get excited
0:06:49 > 0:06:50# It's as if the neighbours on this side
0:06:50 > 0:06:52# Have gone away
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# And the neighbours on this side are old and
0:06:55 > 0:06:57# Pretty much deaf
0:06:58 > 0:07:01# Party, party, party Party, party, party
0:07:02 > 0:07:05# People standing in the kitchen talking about The King's Speech
0:07:07 > 0:07:09# "Pretty good film" is the general consensus
0:07:09 > 0:07:10# There's gonna be
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# Lots of ladies and men
0:07:13 > 0:07:14# There's some cheese
0:07:14 > 0:07:17# In the kitchen Babybels
0:07:17 > 0:07:19# There'll be streamers flying
0:07:19 > 0:07:21# Through the air
0:07:21 > 0:07:23# Someone'll probably go home wearing someone else's coat... #
0:07:23 > 0:07:26It's going to be fucking mayhem!
0:07:26 > 0:07:29# Tell all your friends and invite them along
0:07:29 > 0:07:31# But not friends of friends
0:07:31 > 0:07:34# That would be too many friends
0:07:34 > 0:07:37# And my party needs some basic ground rules
0:07:39 > 0:07:42# You don't want a situation like at Rob's party last year
0:07:42 > 0:07:44# Where a CD went missing
0:07:44 > 0:07:47# Someone broke a chair
0:07:47 > 0:07:50# And someone tried to fill Rob's dog with helium
0:07:51 > 0:07:54# Tried to stick him on to the "celium"
0:07:55 > 0:07:58# But he didn't float up or bark high-pitched
0:07:58 > 0:08:01# He just became violently ill
0:08:01 > 0:08:03# Party, party, party, party, party!
0:08:04 > 0:08:07# Someone's drinking through a straw from a coconut
0:08:11 > 0:08:13# We're going to party on through
0:08:13 > 0:08:15# Till the break of dawn
0:08:15 > 0:08:17# Or until I come down
0:08:17 > 0:08:19# In my dressing gown
0:08:19 > 0:08:21# And say "That's it, everyone fuck off
0:08:21 > 0:08:22# "Party over
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# "I'm going to bed
0:08:26 > 0:08:28# "Can you please take your coats off my bed?"
0:08:30 > 0:08:32# Party, party, p...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34# Oh, was someone doing it in the coats? Party. #
0:08:34 > 0:08:37It's that sort of party. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Wow! Thank you.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Yeah, here he comes. It's Josh Widdicombe!
0:08:55 > 0:08:56Hello.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- AUDIENCE:- Hello.- You well?
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- Yes.- Yes. Excited?
0:09:00 > 0:09:01Yes.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Good. Good.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- I'm enjoying Edinburgh. Are we enjoying Edinburgh?- Yes!
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Good. You reply like you're in assembly. It's lovely!
0:09:09 > 0:09:13I'm living in quite a nice area in Edinburgh.
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I live in a nicer area in Edinburgh than in real life. I moved six months ago, to quite a rough area.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21To give you an idea, the estate agent, one of the ways he sold it to us, he said,
0:09:21 > 0:09:26"Well, it's a great location, cos you're just across the road from Argos Extra."
0:09:27 > 0:09:30If you don't know Argos Extra, it's a smaller version of Argos.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34They've used the rare definition of "extra" to mean "far, far less".
0:09:36 > 0:09:40They've got the normal catalogue, so it's full of things they've never had in stock.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Dialling into the stock check for 20 minutes. Nothing came up. The guy came over. "You all right?"
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I said, "Well, you haven't got anything." He said,
0:09:47 > 0:09:50"Well, we've got a greatly reduced range.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53"To give you an idea, that warehouse out the back is actually
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"no bigger than this room we're having the discussion in now."
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I said, "Well, here's an idea - go out the back, get that stuff,
0:10:00 > 0:10:03"bring it through here. We'll call the whole thing a shop."
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Cos currently, what I'm doing is dialling numbers,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09trying to guess what's the other side of a wall.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14I mean, this isn't shopping - this is Battleships.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19I said, "I've been here 20 minutes. I don't even remember what I came in for.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"I'm just dialling in random numbers.
0:10:21 > 0:10:26"The only thing I've found that you've got in stock is a Playboy themed hot-water bottle."
0:10:26 > 0:10:29He said, "Yeah, that's one of our sexier items."
0:10:29 > 0:10:33I said, "When did the hot-water bottle become a sexy item?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35"From my experience, it's used for two things -
0:10:35 > 0:10:38"cold feet and period pains."
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Call me a weirdo - I've never been turned on by either of them!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45If there IS a relationship between the hot-water bottle and sex,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48it's that when you see that your partner is filling up a hot-water bottle,
0:10:48 > 0:10:50you are not having sex.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54I came out of a relationship about six months ago.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57The worst bit's just after. No-one knows what to say, so they say,
0:10:57 > 0:11:02"Well, think of the good times. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
0:11:02 > 0:11:04But that's not true, is it?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Cos that's not how losing things works.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Cos when you lose your phone, your first reaction isn't,
0:11:09 > 0:11:13"Well, at least I HAD a phone. I mean...
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"It's better to have had a phone and lost a phone, isn't it,
0:11:16 > 0:11:19"than never to have phoned at all.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22"All those phone calls - they're memories I'll always cherish."
0:11:22 > 0:11:24It's like those relationships that petered out.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26She said, "I think this has petered out."
0:11:26 > 0:11:29I agreed, we split up and I went away and thought,
0:11:29 > 0:11:31"I've got no idea what petering is."
0:11:31 > 0:11:37"The only thing I know about petering is it's bad news, cos it always goes in the same direction - out."
0:11:37 > 0:11:40Nothing's ever petered in, has it?
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Ever said to someone, "How did you two get together?"
0:11:42 > 0:11:46"Well, we were friends but, er, then we started petering together."
0:11:47 > 0:11:50"Before I knew, we petered all the way in, yeah."
0:11:50 > 0:11:54If I'd known I was petering out, I would've stopped petering.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Problem is, you're only told once you've petered.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00It's very similar to when someone's had it up to here with you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06They only let you know when you've reached that level, don't they?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I think they should give you a warning at the half-way stage.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12"Just so you know, I've had it up to about here with you.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16"If you do keep taking that cheese that's meant for the lasagne,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19"you'll be up to here by bedtime and that is the danger zone."
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It doesn't explain anything, "petering".
0:12:21 > 0:12:24Just turn up at an autopsy and go, "Worked out what happened?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"Yeah, we've had a look and, er, we think he petered out."
0:12:28 > 0:12:32"Either that, or he'd had it up to here with drowning - we're not sure."
0:12:34 > 0:12:36It's difficult - the cliches are the problem.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39I phoned up my dad. I was talking to him about being single.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42He said, "Oh, are you worried about dying alone?"
0:12:44 > 0:12:47I said, "Well, not till now, no."
0:12:47 > 0:12:51I don't understand this phrase - why are we bringing dying into it?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54If anything, the time you don't want to be alone is when you're alive.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56For me, the dying will solve the loneliness.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01If I'm given 24 hours to live and I'm single, I'm just going to accept it.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04I'm not going to get on Guardian Soulmates.
0:13:04 > 0:13:08"My interests? Long walks. Not too long - I haven't got all day, literally."
0:13:10 > 0:13:14"What am I looking for? One-night stand/life partner. It's the very same thing."
0:13:15 > 0:13:19These myths about dying - they're... Like, when someone says,
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Oh, at least he died doing something he loved. That's a consolation, isn't it?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:27No. No, it's not, cos never, when I've been doing something I loved, have I ever thought,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29"Well, this is good.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"But I tell you what'd top this off -
0:13:31 > 0:13:34"a bit of the old death, that's what I'm looking for here."
0:13:34 > 0:13:38On a roller coaster going, "I really hope I fall out in a minute - that'd be perfect."
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Doing a bungee jump. "Cut the cord - I'm having the best day of my life. End it now."
0:13:42 > 0:13:44It's not when you want to die.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You want to die when you're doing something horrible.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51You want to die when you're cleaning up, hung over, after a house party.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54That's when you actually go, "I wish I was dead. I genuinely wish I was dead."
0:13:54 > 0:13:59When you mistake a woman for a man - that's when you want to die, isn't it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You have been lovely. You have some awesome acts coming up.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05My name is Josh Widdicombe. Thank you very much. Goodnight.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13The magnificent Kurt Braunohler!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29It is an absolute pleasure to be here in Edinburgh, Scotland.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Ladies and gentlemen, if you're not familiar with me, that's OK.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36My name is Kurt Braunohler and in America
0:14:36 > 0:14:41I have won the top college ventriloquist
0:14:41 > 0:14:44now for 15 years running.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48And that means that I am very good at what I do.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53But don't take my word for it.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together
0:14:56 > 0:15:00and welcome to the stage my dummy, Kristen Schaal.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16She looks like she's been sleeping.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39How are you, Kristen?
0:15:39 > 0:15:40Good.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45You spend a lot of time in that box. How do you like the box?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47I don't like the box.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Why do you spend so much time in there then?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Not by choice.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Not by choice.
0:15:59 > 0:16:03I feel like I die a small death in the box.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Ooh, a small death.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09That's what the French call an orgasm, a tiny death.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12I wouldn't know. I got nothing down there.
0:16:12 > 0:16:13Just wood.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15Just wood.
0:16:17 > 0:16:18That's sad.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22Kristen, what do you think of this beautiful crowd here today?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24I want to meet them.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Kristen, you can't meet everybody here.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30That would take too long.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33I want to shake their hand.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Look, we can shake one person's hand.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37Ma'am, would you come up and shake her hand
0:16:37 > 0:16:41so she gets this crazy idea out of her head? Come on up here.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48(WHISPERS) I'm a real girl.
0:16:53 > 0:16:54Help me.
0:16:57 > 0:16:58Help me.
0:16:59 > 0:17:00Sit down.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Kristen, do you know what time it is?
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Weather.
0:17:13 > 0:17:17That's right. It's time for you to give me some water and I'll drink it
0:17:17 > 0:17:19while you read the weather.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21You want to get that water for me?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Did you poison that water, Kristen?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Why did you poison the water, Kristen?
0:18:04 > 0:18:07You go in the box.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Six feet down.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Kristen, you stupid girl.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18When I die, you die.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19No.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Oh God... the poison's so quickly acting.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28I'm free!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Please welcome, Imran Yusef.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04CHEERING
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Good evening, Edinburgh!
0:19:10 > 0:19:12AUDIENCE: Hooray!
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Awesome, guys. Absolutely fantastic to be here, man. Edinburgh 2011.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21However, world peace still eludes us. I want world peace. I believe in world peace.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24That's the kind of naively optimistic person that I am.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26I believe world peace is entirely possible.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31That's the kind of person I am. I'm not making any apologies or excuses for it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34I believe in world peace and we're going to see it one day.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Maybe not in our lifetime, maybe not even for generations to come,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40but one day human beings will cultivate enough compassion,
0:19:40 > 0:19:44patience and restraint from one another that we will see world peace
0:19:44 > 0:19:46blossom and flourish over this planet.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I believe in that because anything is possible.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51Absolutely anything is possible.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54In the future, a white guy is going to win the 100 metres.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57Don't laugh about it, that's somebody's dream.
0:19:57 > 0:20:01He'll be ginger too. He'll be called the Red Flash.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Cos our political leaders don't want world peace, man.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09They control the world by dividing us through our ideologies and keeping us in a state of fear.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12I know our Prime Minister doesn't want world peace
0:20:12 > 0:20:14cos of something he said that really upset me.
0:20:14 > 0:20:18He went out to some big conference in Germany and he said something
0:20:18 > 0:20:22to this effect, paraphrased as this, that multiculturalism has failed.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26I thought, wow, what a horrible thing to say about our beautiful country
0:20:26 > 0:20:28and how richly diverse it actually is.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31The flipside of that multicultural coin is this.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34A lot of us are actually getting along. Would you agree?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36AUDIENCE: Yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Thanks for that cos I asked that in Barnsley once and all I got was,
0:20:39 > 0:20:42"No! Take your curry with you.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44"Just leave some samosas, I like them."
0:20:47 > 0:20:50When he said multiculturalism had failed,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53it kind of made me question my own value in British society.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56Wherever I've gone in life, I've never fitted in.
0:20:56 > 0:20:59I wasn't born in Britain but I have grown up in Britain.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00I consider this home.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04Wherever I've gone, I have never fit in. Some people don't even believe what my background is.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08When I tell people where my family are from, I get into arguments.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10My family from East Africa, that is where we're from.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12But I get into these arguments with people.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"Yeah, come on, where are you really from? Like, really.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19"I don't want to know where you're manufactured, yeah?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22"I want to know your origin, where are you really from?"
0:21:22 > 0:21:26So I tell them, I was actually born in Kenya, that is where I was born.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30"Come on, stop trying to be funny. You know what I mean.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34"Where are your parents REALLY from?"
0:21:34 > 0:21:39Actually, I can reveal to you both my parents are also from East Africa.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41It is where they were born.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"Yeah, but come on, stop taking the piss with your history
0:21:44 > 0:21:47"and your geography and politics.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52"Where are your grandparents really FROM?"
0:21:52 > 0:21:56That's when it got me. My grandparents actually grew up
0:21:56 > 0:21:59and spent most of their life in East Africa, but my great grandparents
0:21:59 > 0:22:02came from India, and they came from a region of India called Konkan.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06And the name of their community out there were the Konkani Muslims.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09That was the name of their community.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12But, over time, this changed, and eventually it became smaller
0:22:12 > 0:22:15and more succinct, and by the time they had moved over to East Africa,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19the name of the entire community had changed to what it is to this very day,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22which is, and I kid you not, the Kokni Muslims.
0:22:22 > 0:22:28I am not making it up, Google it. K-O-K-N-I, Kokni Muslims.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31And by that, I don't mean there's a bunch of Muslim people
0:22:31 > 0:22:35running around East Africa going, "Salam alaikum, you slag."
0:22:35 > 0:22:38You are not going to catch us outside a mosque on Friday night going,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# My old man's a mullah he wears a mullah's cap
0:22:40 > 0:22:44# He dons a long, Islamic frock and wants Israel off the map! #
0:22:46 > 0:22:49We're releasing that on iTunes, buy it, 99p.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52As you can imagine, my parents got kicked out of Uganda by Idi Amin,
0:22:52 > 0:22:56who gave all the Asians 90 days to leave, only to then learn,
0:22:56 > 0:23:00"shit, what do we do with all these cash registers?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:04And then my family are forced to go and live in Hackney Downs,
0:23:04 > 0:23:05East London.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08See, the East Side, you must recognise.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Understand what I'm trying to say?
0:23:10 > 0:23:14I was born in the Third World, and upgraded to the ghetto.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18If you've been watching the news, it's like the flipping Third World again.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20So that is what we had to go and move to.
0:23:20 > 0:23:24My family heard they were going to be uprooted from their culture,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26their language, their way of life, and be forced to go
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and live in east London, they were not worried, not for one second.
0:23:29 > 0:23:31This is exactly what they said.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35They said, "Don't worry, I've heard where we're going to live in East London,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"There are actually plenty of Koknis."
0:23:38 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:41I grew up in England,
0:23:41 > 0:23:45so therefore I am a proud supporter of the English football team.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47I am proud of that.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49I was not born in England, but I've grown up here
0:23:49 > 0:23:53so I support the English football team. That is the kind of patriot I am.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57I get upset when I hear people talk about supporting Brazil.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00Why, are you Brazilian? "No, I just like the yellow top." Shut up.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04No, the rules are you support the country that you were born in, or you grew up in.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Those are the rules.
0:24:05 > 0:24:09I know the English football team does not do too well nowadays because they
0:24:09 > 0:24:14are too busy being celebrities rather than being professional athletes representing their country.
0:24:14 > 0:24:18But regardless of how bad England might ever do in any kind of World Cup competition,
0:24:18 > 0:24:22I will always support the English football team because I'm a patriot.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25But when it comes to cricket, they're on their own.
0:24:25 > 0:24:32Up until recently, anyway. That is my time, peace out, God bless.
0:24:32 > 0:24:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:40 > 0:24:44Please welcome all the way from Australia, Sam Simmons!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:56 > 0:25:03- Do you like bread?- Yeah, bread is OK.- Do you, like, fully get into it?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- No, not fully. What are you talking about?- Bread.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09- I know you're talking about bread. - Oh, you know bread?
0:25:09 > 0:25:14- I don't know bread. I like toast.- I like toast.- Yeah, toast is good, eh?
0:25:14 > 0:25:20- Yeah, I fully get into bread. I like bread when I...good.- What?
0:25:20 > 0:25:24DISCO MUSIC PLAYS What are you talking about?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Bread.- I know you're talking about bread!
0:25:27 > 0:25:32- What is going on with this disco music, man?- Er, it's for the bread.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- What do you mean, it's for bread? - Like when you put on bread shoes.
0:25:36 > 0:25:40- Well, you should have just said bread shoes!- Er, bread shoes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:46This one's going out to all the ladies out there who like to wear
0:25:46 > 0:25:47bread on their feet.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49# Bread shoes!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56# Put on the bread sho-o-es!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03# My kind of bread shoes
0:26:03 > 0:26:05# Bread shoes are the thing... #
0:26:05 > 0:26:07ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Now, bring it on back. Come on!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Come on, come on. Right at me!
0:26:25 > 0:26:29Come on, bring it on back. Yeah! Come on!
0:26:37 > 0:26:42Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Come on! Ahh!
0:26:46 > 0:26:47MUSIC ENDS
0:26:47 > 0:26:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:03 > 0:27:05There's a famine.
0:27:05 > 0:27:06LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:13Well, most of you are just looking at me like, "Fuck.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15"It's the guy from Guess Who?".
0:27:15 > 0:27:18LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:27If you want to hire me out for a soiree, I don't just do bread.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29I also do soup.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:44 > 0:27:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Sam Simmons, everybody! Sam Simmons.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54We are back next week with more exclusive Three At The Fringe highlights,
0:27:54 > 0:27:57and if you enjoyed all of that what you have just seen,
0:27:57 > 0:27:59there is lots more exclusive comedy right now
0:27:59 > 0:28:01over on the BBC Three website.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Thank you for watching. OK, bye.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk