0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18Hello, and welcome to The Best of Three at the Fringe.
0:00:18 > 0:00:20I'm Scott Mills, and you are about to see 30 minutes
0:00:20 > 0:00:24of fantastic live comedy from some of the biggest names
0:00:24 > 0:00:26and the freshest, most exciting new talent
0:00:26 > 0:00:28performing at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Remember, you can check out the BBC3 website,
0:00:30 > 0:00:33where you can access even more comedy performances
0:00:33 > 0:00:35direct from the BBC's Edinburgh venue,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38as well as a host of other exclusive interactive comedy.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Now, it's time to go over to the BBC Three main stage
0:00:40 > 0:00:44and meet your compere for tonight's show, it's Mr Chris Ramsey.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48You do loads of different of gigs. I gig all over the place, it's good.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52I did a gig last year in Cambridge University, right,
0:00:52 > 0:00:56and I don't know if anyone's been to Cambridge University,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00but just go and visit it, right, because it is Hogwarts, it's amazing.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04It's the poshest place I have ever been in my life.
0:01:04 > 0:01:05Some of the students are so posh
0:01:05 > 0:01:08that there's not even a word for how posh they are.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13It's just a noise, and the noise is, "Harararara!"
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Now, I'm not having a go at them properly, right,
0:01:15 > 0:01:16but so posh, so posh,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19it's almost a disability, and I mean that in the nicest...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22You know what I mean? I know it's a bit harsh.
0:01:22 > 0:01:26I did this gig, right, it was me and my mate, he's called Greg Davies,
0:01:26 > 0:01:29he plays the really tall headmaster from The Inbetweeners.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33We were standing on the riverbank, we'd done this gig for the students.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35We're quite drunk, and we're quite annoyed.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38And when I'm in a really posh situation, I don't know,
0:01:38 > 0:01:41the working-class side of us just wants to destroy it,
0:01:41 > 0:01:43do you know what I mean?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45I really want to ruin it. There's a little Geordie fairy,
0:01:45 > 0:01:49who lives on my shoulder and he gets annoyed, right?
0:01:49 > 0:01:52We walked into Cambridge and he went, "What are you doing here?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54"Steal everything.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56"Put it in the back of your car.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00"Do donuts on the lawn and put a scratch card on on the way home."
0:02:00 > 0:02:01He was trying to drag us back down.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04We were standing on the riverbank, me and Greg,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07had a few drinks, we'd done the gig. It was about six in the morning,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10the Cambridge students had been on a free bar all night.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14This is how posh they were - none of them were unconscious, eating kebabs
0:02:14 > 0:02:16or fingering each other. I was furious!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19You know what they were doing half six in the morning
0:02:19 > 0:02:20after a free bar all night?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23They were punting along the river!
0:02:25 > 0:02:28What are you doing?
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Some of them who weren't driving, or whatever it is,
0:02:30 > 0:02:33I don't know how to say it, like, propelling the punt,
0:02:33 > 0:02:35they were lying on blankets eating cheese, right?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37The Geordie was furious.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40He dropped his chips and there was garlic sauce all down my shirt.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42He was furious, right?
0:02:42 > 0:02:45We spotted this guy standing on the front of his punt.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He drew our attention because a punt doesn't move very fast,
0:02:48 > 0:02:50it probably moves about that fast,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54it's just propelled with a stick. But there was one lad on the front,
0:02:54 > 0:02:56posh-as-anything Cambridge lad, on the front of the punt...
0:02:58 > 0:03:02..staring into his nautical future. "I'm discovering new worlds, Father."
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Greg Davies went, "He looks like a bit of a bellend."
0:03:05 > 0:03:07I went, "Yes, he really does."
0:03:07 > 0:03:08It was confirmed he was a bellend
0:03:08 > 0:03:11because Bellend's mate came next to us and shouted at him.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12He wasn't called Bellend,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15that would've been the greatest night of my life.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19He was called Greg as well, but it was pronounced, "Gregory!"
0:03:19 > 0:03:22His mate went, "Gregory!
0:03:22 > 0:03:23"Gregory!"
0:03:23 > 0:03:27Oo-ooh! Foxhorn turned round straight away.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28"Gregory," he went,
0:03:28 > 0:03:32"Greg, are we going into the food tent for some breakfast?"
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Gregory went, "No, no bloody way!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38"Drinks tent all morning!
0:03:38 > 0:03:41"Bloody Marys all round!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42"Bloody Marys...
0:03:42 > 0:03:44"# Hi diddly dee, a sailor... #"
0:03:44 > 0:03:48It was unbelievable, it was ridiculous.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Greg went, "It's confirmed - he's a weapons-grade bellend."
0:03:51 > 0:03:52I went, "Yes."
0:03:52 > 0:03:54We followed this guy into the tent,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56and we're a bit drunk, I was a bit bad,
0:03:56 > 0:03:59I was a bit upset for what we did. We sort of bullied the lad a bit.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03But I'm only telling you about it because he was amazing, the kid.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05He was just bulletproof, right?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Greg stood one side of him, I stood the other.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09He went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?"
0:04:09 > 0:04:12He was already ordering loads of Bloody Marys, this kid.
0:04:12 > 0:04:16Greg went, "What do you want to drink, Chris?" I went...
0:04:16 > 0:04:19"I don't know, Greg, maybe a...Bloody Mary."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The lad wasn't really... He sort of moved a bit, a bit of interest.
0:04:24 > 0:04:29Greg went, "Yeah, but I don't even know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:32It's not the best bullying that I've ever been part of.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36We were warming up. "I don't even know what's IN a bloody Mary!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Six foot eight of Greg Davies leant over this kid
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and an inch from his face screamed,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42"I don't know what's IN a Bloody Mary!"
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Was he intimidated? No. He turned to Greg and went,
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"Vodka, tomato, Tabasco, pepper."
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Turned back round. I nearly exploded.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55Was he intimidated? No, he gave him a recipe, for God's sake!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58It was phenomenal. I was out with the game, I couldn't breathe.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02The best bit was because when he said "pepper", he enunciated his P
0:05:02 > 0:05:06so perfectly, that he did an involuntary arm spasm.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07"Pepper!," like that.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11And he punched one of his Bloody Marys over, and it covered the thing.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13I was going, "Ha-a-a-a-!"
0:05:13 > 0:05:14Greg hadn't had enough.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18It was amazing to watch, Greg went into that mode of the headmaster
0:05:18 > 0:05:21from that show, he went into the mode, he went, "You stupid boy!
0:05:21 > 0:05:25"Look at that, look at all that crap on there, look at what you've done.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"There's none of that shit in that glass, is there?
0:05:28 > 0:05:32"That's not a Bloody Mary anymore, is it?" Was the lad intimidated?
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Still not. He turned to Greg and went, "No, it's a bloody mess."
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- Morning.- Morning, morning, morning. - Clink. No rest of the wicked, eh?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Morning, morning, morning. - Oh.- Tea o'clock.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Banter ahoy.- Lovely. Lovely.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54Gentlemen, before we get the banter under way,
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- where's Craig?- What's with him?
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Have you guys not heard about Craig? - No.- You remember Craig's girlfriend?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- Lovely girl.- She broke up with him at the weekend.- Poor Craig.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Yeah. He's not taking it well.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- Taken it badly?- You know what he's like under pressure.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- Cracks like ice. - He does, he cracks just like ice.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15So listen, if you see Craig around and he's acting a bit weird,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18a bit peculiar, just be normal around him.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- Just act normal around Craig. - Just play it cool around Craig.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Whatever he does, just be normal about it.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- It's what he needs.- We are his support network.- We are, though.
0:06:27 > 0:06:31It's really nice that you say that, it's a really lovely thing.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33- Yeah.- Holidays this year.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- Yeah.- Any recommendations?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- I was thinking about going to Croatia.- OK.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- Hello.- What is there to do, though?
0:06:40 > 0:06:43I want somewhere where I can go on the beach for a few days.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44You want a busy holiday?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47I don't know if I want a busy holiday, but I want the option.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49You went Dubrovnik, it was lovely.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You strike me as kind of adventurous.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Hello!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Adventurous. It's been said before. - Rally biking?
0:06:57 > 0:07:02No. I don't want to do anything too...
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- Hello, shifty! - I want to relax as well.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09Maybe not a beach necessarily, but a nice city that you can unwind in.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12- Nice city, yes.- Yeah, city break. - Bruges, perhaps?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Or maybe I should go to a couple of places over the course of a month?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17- Yes.- You could InterRail.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21- I could InterRail. Could be fun.- Yes.
0:07:21 > 0:07:22Maybe I'll do that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Yeah?- Guys, guys, shh.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Hey, guys, did you hear about my girlfriend?
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Yeah. Sorry, Craig. Sorry.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Late-night gimp fight.
0:08:03 > 0:08:09# I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
0:08:11 > 0:08:14# Watch you smile while you are sleeping
0:08:14 > 0:08:19# While you're far away and dreaming
0:08:19 > 0:08:25# I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
0:08:26 > 0:08:30# I could stay lost in this moment
0:08:30 > 0:08:32# Forever
0:08:34 > 0:08:37# Every moment spent with you
0:08:37 > 0:08:44# Is a moment I treasure
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# Don't want to close my eyes
0:08:47 > 0:08:52# I don't want to fall asleep because I'd miss you, baby
0:08:52 > 0:08:55# And I don't want to miss a thing
0:08:55 > 0:08:59# Cos even when I dream of you
0:08:59 > 0:09:03# The sweetest dream would never do I'd still miss you, baby
0:09:03 > 0:09:07# And I don't want to miss a thing
0:09:14 > 0:09:16# Lying close to you
0:09:16 > 0:09:22# Feeling your heart beating
0:09:22 > 0:09:25# And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
0:09:25 > 0:09:30# Wondering if it's me you're seeing
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# Then I kiss your eyes
0:09:33 > 0:09:37# And thank God we're together
0:09:37 > 0:09:41# And I just want to stay with you
0:09:41 > 0:09:44# In this moment forever
0:09:44 > 0:09:47# Forever and ever
0:09:47 > 0:09:50# I don't want to close my eyes... #
0:09:50 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Zoe Lyons, everyone!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Hello!
0:10:07 > 0:10:10Hi. Oh, Edinburgh, I love you. I love you, Edinburgh.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Things happen here late at night in Edinburgh.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Last night, two o'clock in the morning, I was walking home.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21I got wolf whistled by a tramp, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, yes, I did.
0:10:21 > 0:10:24I did, and it's amazing how you can sort of turn things around
0:10:24 > 0:10:26to your way of thinking, can't you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30Because I looked at that man, sitting in a puddle of his own making,
0:10:30 > 0:10:34with one tooth rattling lonely in his head, with his life savings
0:10:34 > 0:10:35in a takeaway box on his lap,
0:10:35 > 0:10:40and I thought, "You might not have always made the right life choices,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43"but you've certainly got a keen eye when it comes to the ladies."
0:10:43 > 0:10:47And I like that in a man/tramp.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51I do. I do. It's a bit of a challenge here, being at the festival.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53The weather is often a bit of a challenge.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You can entertain yourselves, though, in the rain, can't you? You can.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I love watching women who insist on wearing Ugg boots despite the fact
0:11:00 > 0:11:03that it's raining biblically. Have you seen them?
0:11:03 > 0:11:04If you can stand beside them,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08you can actually hear them sucking up water like osmosis,
0:11:08 > 0:11:10and then they're forced to walk away
0:11:10 > 0:11:13like homeless astronauts with rickets,
0:11:13 > 0:11:16because there's no support in those puppies whatsoever, is there?
0:11:16 > 0:11:19You've got to look at them and go, "What are you doing, love?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"You're wearing sheepskin on your feet,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23"it's a highly-absorbent piece of material."
0:11:23 > 0:11:26It doesn't make any sense, it's like going out into the rain
0:11:26 > 0:11:28in a papier-mache anorak, for God's sakes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33I mean, sheep don't wear sheepskin on their feet, do they?
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Even they've had a little think to themselves, haven't they?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41They've taken the time to think it through and gone,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"Hang on, that's never going to work, is it?
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"I'm going to stop the sheepskin
0:11:46 > 0:11:48"at the knee
0:11:48 > 0:11:51"and grow a little hoof, that's what I'm going to do."
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I have friends who tell me they enjoy it when their boyfriends
0:11:54 > 0:11:57are in touch with their feminine side. Have you ever heard that?
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Ever heard that expression? Yeah, you have.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02My friend Maggie, she's like,
0:12:02 > 0:12:06"I love it when Richard's in touch with his feminine side, I love it.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11"Last week he came home, he brought me some flowers, some chocolates,
0:12:11 > 0:12:14"a DVD, we watched it together, he had a little cry.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15"I looked round, I thought,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18"'I love it when he's in touch with his feminine side.'"
0:12:18 > 0:12:21I've never heard Richard saying the opposite.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24I've never gone round and gone, "Where's Maggie?"
0:12:24 > 0:12:27"She's playing Mortal Kombat, drinking lager and cracking one off.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33"She came home drunk last night. I found her peeing on the DVD player.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37"She's very much in touch with her masculine side."
0:12:40 > 0:12:44I tell you what I noticed watching the lootings and riotings in London.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It was disgusting, abhorrent, horrible, mindless violence,
0:12:47 > 0:12:51but I also noticed there weren't many women my age taking part.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I thought, "I know why that is, our expectations are through the roof -
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"but what we want out of life now has changed.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"I want an Aga, that's what I want."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I'd be the idiot trying to leave John Lewis with a Smeg fridge.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09They'd just find me under a ton of Smeg outside the shop.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Let me tell you that would be the first and last time I'd be found
0:13:12 > 0:13:15under a ton of Smeg, ladies and gentlemen,
0:13:15 > 0:13:17the first and last time.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20It's crazy stuff. People are rioting
0:13:20 > 0:13:24because they want stuff they don't need. We're surrounded by that.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27You just have to look in shops.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31Do you know what I found in a shop the other day? Organic cat food.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Organic.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Cat food. Cat food...
0:13:36 > 0:13:38that is organic.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42Are you telling me I now live on a planet where cats are demanding
0:13:42 > 0:13:45organic cat food? Is that the level?
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Cats are just wandering in, looking at their dinners going,
0:13:48 > 0:13:50"Oh...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52"no.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55"No, I'm sorry I can't possibly eat that, I'm sorry.
0:13:55 > 0:13:56"Don't be embarrassed,
0:13:56 > 0:14:00"I should have said something prior to the dining experience,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04"but I'm on a strictly organic diet. I don't even lick the mice here,
0:14:04 > 0:14:05"they're full of toxins.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08"I get them shipped in from a small farmer in Somerset.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11"They're very small, but they're exploding with flavour.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16"Is that milk? This is doubly awkward.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20"I'm so sorry, I am lactose intolerant, this isn't good."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23That never happens, does it? You put food in front of a cat,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27the cat will just look at it and go, "Food, ta. Oh, that is delicious.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30"I've been licking my own arsehole all day."
0:14:30 > 0:14:31Thank you so much for listening.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34I've been Zoe Lyons, you've been gorgeous. Take care!
0:14:40 > 0:14:42Hello.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Hello, I'm John Luke Roberts, or you can call me by my rap name,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49N-O-T-O-R-I-O-U-S
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Big.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53I think I said that right.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57So, what I like to do generally at a comedy gig is just insult you all
0:14:57 > 0:14:58to your faces, individually.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01It's just to lower the self-confidence of the room,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03make you more nervous and giggly. Exactly right, sir.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06So I don't want to hurt anyone, though,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09so I'm just going to do it in order, off these cards.
0:15:09 > 0:15:10So, it's nothing to do with you,
0:15:10 > 0:15:13it's just what happens to be on the card I'm looking at
0:15:13 > 0:15:15when I'm also looking at your face.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18And some of them do happen to be spookily accurate,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20but it's entirely coincidental.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25Oh, if you do end up crying, can you try and do that heave-y crying,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28which can easily be mistaken for laughter from behind?
0:15:28 > 0:15:30So when I point at you, shout your name at me,
0:15:30 > 0:15:33I'll insult you, and then we'll get on with our lives.
0:15:33 > 0:15:34- Harry.- Harry!
0:15:34 > 0:15:38I've just been to the top of Ben Nevis,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42and by comparison, you are a terrible view.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48So that's a sort of warning shot. I don't pull punches.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50How do you feel, Harry? OK, great.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55Kate, people say a lot of nice things about you, Kate,
0:15:55 > 0:15:58but they also do this a lot.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Mark, they broke the mould when they made you.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06No, just BEFORE they made you!
0:16:06 > 0:16:10I'm implying that Mark is defective.
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Caroline, it's like your face is in 3D
0:16:15 > 0:16:17but I haven't got the glasses on.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25Linda, if opposites attract, you must be going out with someone kind,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27attractive
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and continent.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Sarah, the one thing Israel and Palestine CAN agree on
0:16:35 > 0:16:38is that YOU are a douchebag.
0:16:40 > 0:16:45Keith, if you were a cow, sheep, chicken or any other form
0:16:45 > 0:16:49of livestock, even Morrissey would happily eat you.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55Susan, your filing system is inadequate.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Dawn, if you went through
0:16:59 > 0:17:02a high-profile divorce with Katie Price,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05the public sympathy would be with her.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11Alex, no-one has ever had a sex dream about you
0:17:11 > 0:17:15without waking up and feeling distinctly uneasy.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22Stewart, no-one can play the song What A Wonderful World near you
0:17:22 > 0:17:24without seeming terribly insincere.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26We'll skip back to the second row there.
0:17:26 > 0:17:30Ollie, everyone who has ever loved you
0:17:30 > 0:17:32has done so sarcastically.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38Danny, in a dystopian vision of the future,
0:17:38 > 0:17:41you would remain the same.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46Mike. Last one, Mike, think you can take it?
0:17:46 > 0:17:51All right, Mike, if Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive you,
0:17:51 > 0:17:55he wouldn't be Spiderman, he'd be Dickheadman.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I've been John Luke Roberts. No offence. Thanks very much!
0:17:58 > 0:18:00CHEERING
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Joe Lysett, everyone. Yes!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Lovely. Hello. Are you well?
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- AUDIENCE:- Yes.- Oh, I'm sure you can do better than that. Are you well?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23- AUDIENCE:- Yes!- Wonderful news. Hello. Nice to see you all.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26I'm really happy to be here, I love the Fringe.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I love the mental stuff that happens -
0:18:28 > 0:18:30there's always something ridiculous.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34This year - yesterday, actually, in fact - I was at the Udderbelly,
0:18:34 > 0:18:37the outdoor bar at the Udderbelly, and this girl came up next to me
0:18:37 > 0:18:40with a hotdog in one hand and her bag in the other, she ordered
0:18:40 > 0:18:44a white wine and the man behind the bar said, "Can I see some ID?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Now, what I think she meant to say was,
0:18:46 > 0:18:49"I haven't got a spare hand, so I can't get my ID out of my bag."
0:18:49 > 0:18:50But what actually came out was,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"I'm 24 and I'm holding a sausage!"
0:18:54 > 0:18:56That is proof, proof.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58It's delightful, isn't it? So sweet.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00But not all daft things are quite as fun as that.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Like, I'm a massive worrier.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05I worry about all of these things, because I think, "Who checked these?" Because if that falls on your head,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08you're fucked, aren't you? I'm a massive hypochondriac, too.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10Are there any hypochondriacs in?
0:19:10 > 0:19:13No, they don't generally leave the house, so that's perfectly acceptable.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15I get a bit of a cold and I immediately think,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"That'll be face cancer,"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19and start planning the funeral. Absolute nightmare!
0:19:19 > 0:19:23Perfect example of this - one evening I had a whole bottle of red wine
0:19:23 > 0:19:24and then a hot chocolate
0:19:24 > 0:19:27and I threw up and there were brown bits and I thought,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29"That's not right." So I went on Wikipedia,
0:19:29 > 0:19:31the finest of all diagnostic tools,
0:19:31 > 0:19:32and Wikipedia said,
0:19:32 > 0:19:36"You are shitting out of your mouth? Everything's going wrong!"
0:19:36 > 0:19:38So I called up NHS Direct and she said,
0:19:38 > 0:19:40"Have you had anything brown to eat or drink recently?"
0:19:40 > 0:19:44I said, "I've had a hot chocolate." She essentially told me to fuck off.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Not good at all.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Yes, some of you might have realised by now that I'm quite middle class.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Are there other middle-class people? Cheer if you're middle class.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55SOME CHEERING
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Oh, so there's three people here,
0:19:57 > 0:19:59a couple over there and the rest of you are poor?
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I see. Well, hello, poor people.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Give me a wave, middle-class people.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Oh, I see. This gentleman here, you're middle class, are you?
0:20:06 > 0:20:10What's your favourite cheese? Do you know what cheese is?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Camembert? Working class.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Why didn't you just say Dairylea?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I should also establish some of you might be thinking,
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"There's a homosexual on stage."
0:20:21 > 0:20:24I'm not gay, I should clear this up. I'm actually bisexual,
0:20:24 > 0:20:27which means you're all at risk.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Watch out. Yes!
0:20:30 > 0:20:32People get very confused by bisexuality,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35they think it doesn't exist. It definitely does.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39I try and use it to puncture serious situations, because I hate authority.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I recently did my driving test,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43which is a situation where you are definitely told what to do.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47I had an examiner called Richard who had this horrible voice and he said,
0:20:47 > 0:20:49"My name is Richard, what do you want me to call you?"
0:20:49 > 0:20:51I said, "You can call me whatever you like,"
0:20:51 > 0:20:54to see if he was up for some fun. He wasn't. We got...
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We got into the car and he went,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00"Right, Joe, I want you to pull off out of the test centre."
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Not like that! You're making your own jokes now.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05So I started to pull off and said,
0:21:05 > 0:21:07"Do you want me to turn left or right, Richard?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:10And he said, "I've not decided yet."
0:21:10 > 0:21:13To which I said, "You are such a tease, Richard!"
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Without missing a beat he went, "I am not a tease."
0:21:19 > 0:21:20All right, touched a nerve!
0:21:20 > 0:21:24In my defence, he did have his cock out, so what are you going to do?
0:21:24 > 0:21:28This has been a delight. I hope you have a wonderful Fringe. I've been Joe Lycett. Ta-ta.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44Hello, how are you doing? Some of you are struggling to recognise me.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I'm not Nick Grimshaw having a breakdown, this is me.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52No, this is me, I'm in the middle of a breakdown, which is why I look like the aborted triplet of Jedward.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I realise that's why... "Get rid of it, Mother, it's not one of ours."
0:21:56 > 0:21:59This is my weird career.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03I didn't ask for it. Do you know what I was doing the last time I was on the BBC?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Dressed as Beyonce, dancing.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09So desperate am I to be liked, right? And at the time, I was newly single.
0:22:09 > 0:22:13Very confusing for a man to be newly single,
0:22:13 > 0:22:16split up, and then dressed as a woman as a way of addressing those issues.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20"I'll become my own woman, I'll do it with myself." It doesn't work, we've all tried it.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23And I imagine what my ex must have thought if she'd switched
0:22:23 > 0:22:28on the TV and saw me as a woman - "He's coping really badly."
0:22:28 > 0:22:31And I thought afterwards that it wouldn't interfere,
0:22:31 > 0:22:33but a lot of straight women...
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I am straight by the way, I'll throw that in.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37There's this straight sexuality in London.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40I like Liza Minnelli and vag - I can't explain it, I like both.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Just throw that in. You looked uncomfortable!
0:22:45 > 0:22:47"I thought you were one of the other team, mate.
0:22:47 > 0:22:52"I'm so heterosexual, I'm a bit crippled from my heterosexuality."
0:22:52 > 0:22:55I got some weird e-mails from girls.
0:22:55 > 0:22:59"I don't understand what I felt when I saw you dressed as a woman,
0:22:59 > 0:23:00"and I don't want to analyse it.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"Please meet me for a Sloppy Giuseppe."
0:23:03 > 0:23:08As though the only woman I'm going to meet is a woman who finds me attractive as a woman?!
0:23:08 > 0:23:09My confidence was so low.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I was only dating girls with low self-esteem at that point.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16"I've got no confidence since my boyfriend left me." "Get in the van, you'll do!"
0:23:16 > 0:23:21So the hunt was on a for a girl that... I do like talking about my job when I'm out, but not too much.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23My career is speaking about myself,
0:23:23 > 0:23:25so you don't want to have pizza and then speak about yourself.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28I went out with this one girl. Bang up my street, my type,
0:23:28 > 0:23:30not overly confident,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33like Natalie Portman having a bad moment in Black Swan.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37Sort of like, "I'll never be the Black Swan." "Get in the van, you'll do."
0:23:38 > 0:23:42And we got on. We spoke about comedy a bit, but she wasn't too impressed.
0:23:42 > 0:23:45And I start to feel it not only in the pants, but in the heart as well.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47It's like, This is going so well,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49"it's time to invite her back to mine."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51And I'm always staying at hotels.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It's a creepy place to invite a girl back to.
0:23:53 > 0:23:58"Do you want to come back to my hotel and clean up with the tiny soaps?
0:23:58 > 0:23:59"And do you want a small whisky?"
0:24:01 > 0:24:04But it didn't matter, because it was all comfortable
0:24:04 > 0:24:06and ironic and fun, and we had so much in common,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09and I knew we were going to do it for the first time.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Because it took me ages to lose my virginity,
0:24:11 > 0:24:13I've not lost the excitement of doing it,
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I'm still a teenager in my head, "I can't believe I'm going to do it!"
0:24:17 > 0:24:21I have to still go for a victory dance in the bathroom.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24"I'm going to have sex, I'm going to stick my willy..." Don't come in!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"Willy going in!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:33And so we're kissing, this girl, she is bang up my street,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37you know, she's got the Japanese cartoon haircut, stick thin,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40rocking back and forth, "I don't know what I like,
0:24:40 > 0:24:43"I've got no confidence." I'm exaggerating.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46We're in the hotel room, snogging, the type of snogging where
0:24:46 > 0:24:49it's, "We're going to do it," and we're both in our underwear.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53I can't remember what underwear she had on, I was so blind with lust.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56I was in my H&M multipack, like these ones,
0:24:56 > 0:24:58the ones that look humiliating for a man.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01There's nothing good about being a man and being naked, is there?
0:25:01 > 0:25:02It's nice of you girls
0:25:02 > 0:25:05to pretend now that feminism has finished its journey,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08"We can look at men like we looked at women in the '60s.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11"Hooray for feminism, now we can consume male flesh, hoorah."
0:25:11 > 0:25:14But you don't mean a fully-naked man.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16You don't mean...
0:25:16 > 0:25:19You mean, there is something, and I know girls are thinking,
0:25:19 > 0:25:22"Nonsense, it's worse to have the body of a woman!
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"How dare you generalise, Third Russell of Comedy!
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"How dare you generalise!" Yeah?
0:25:27 > 0:25:29"Think of the changes our bodies go through
0:25:29 > 0:25:30"over our careers and pregnancy,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33"it's so hard to have the body of a woman." Right?
0:25:33 > 0:25:37But, girls, be honest, in this highly-educated festival audience,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40how many of you have actually ever stopped to think
0:25:40 > 0:25:43what it's like to have a humiliating rod of flesh
0:25:43 > 0:25:47jut out from your body the moment you find anyone vaguely attractive?
0:25:47 > 0:25:49"Do you like me or not?"
0:25:49 > 0:25:51"That would be telling."
0:25:51 > 0:25:54"Oh, my God, why am I being so random?"
0:25:56 > 0:25:59So that was the...
0:25:59 > 0:26:02It's so true and personal, I'm actually getting the weird lips.
0:26:02 > 0:26:06So, you know when it's definitely happening, there's no way it won't,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08we're connected on every level,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11philosophical, emotional, spiritual, the humour...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Then, stop. That horrible feeling when the hand goes on the chest.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16"Please wait, no." I'm like, "What is it?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18"Have you got a boyfriend? Has the spell worn off?
0:26:18 > 0:26:21"You've realised that, whilst amusing, I'm repulsive?"
0:26:21 > 0:26:23It will happen, as a comedian.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27It's like a spell wearing off in Harry Potter. "I'll run back to Gryffindor."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30It can happen when you stop being funny.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34I wish I was a good enough writer to invent what came out of this girl's mouth.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I would be less worried about writing next year's Edinburgh show
0:26:37 > 0:26:39if I could think up funny stuff like this.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Such is the weird world
0:26:40 > 0:26:43that I've gone into these are the genuine words that came from her.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46"Wait, please stop." Hand on the chest. "What is it, babe?"
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This is what she said, "Please do the Beyonce dance."
0:26:50 > 0:26:52I swear to God,
0:26:52 > 0:26:56I was so desperate to bang her, I did it! I did it, ladies and gentlemen!
0:26:56 > 0:26:59I plugged my little travel iPod speaker in.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01You know the creepy one you buy on an aeroplane?
0:27:01 > 0:27:07"I injured my shoulder doing it, I might have to have an arthroscopy in December, you evil bitch, shut up."
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I plugged it in. Do you have any idea what that dance looks like at a three-quarters canter?
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Right.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15# Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-na-na. #
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And it finishes - those of you that remember it -
0:27:21 > 0:27:24it finishes with a dramatic... like that.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26And I thought when I turned round she'd be...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29You know the sort of pre-sexual laughter that can exist
0:27:29 > 0:27:32between lovers where it's a bit ironic and then it resolves itself
0:27:32 > 0:27:34into mutually-splendid lovemaking?
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It wasn't that at all. As I did the "Boom",
0:27:37 > 0:27:42she was so aroused by my primal dance that she launched
0:27:42 > 0:27:46from the bed and went at me like a sewing machine in a power surge.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54So there's no punchlines. I'm post-modern. Relax.
0:27:56 > 0:28:01Ladies and gentlemen, I've been Russell Crane, you've been a fantastic audience. Goodnight!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09If you enjoyed all that, there is loads more great comedy
0:28:09 > 0:28:11right now on the BBC Three website.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Thanks for watching. OK, bye.
0:28:27 > 0:28:31Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:31 > 0:28:34E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk